It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 12x4

1. Go for it, go for it.

2. Well, somebody's chipper this morning.

3. Oh... you guys were there all this time?

4. I didn't see you.

5. Yeah, we just didn't want to interrupt

6. your morning routine.

7. Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank?

8. - Yeah. - Hey, Frank,

9. how's Wolf Cola doing?

10. Funny you should ask.

11. I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton.

12. They're slurping it up

13. like candy. They're...

14. I'm telling you, they're addicted.

15. If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be, like,

16. a money laundering front.

17. Well, it was, but I'm selling it now by the truckload.

18. I mean, they can't get enough of it.

19. It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.

20. Why do you ask?

21. Well, just 'cause of this.

22. The group released

23. another video today.

24. Preliminary investigations

25. have revealed that Wolf Cola may in fact be

26. an American soda company, although how and why Boko Haram

27. has adopted it as their official soft drink

28. is unknown at this time.

29. We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.

30. Boca Raton, Frank?

31. Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?

32. Whoops.

33. How do you confuse a city in Florida

34. with a terrorist organization in Africa?

35. It's an easy misunderstanding.

36. It is if you're an elderly cokehead,

37. trying to launder money through a dummy

38. - (laughing): soda corporation. - (laughs)

39. This is bigger than cola, Dee.

40. This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.

41. My God, there are other fluids?

42. Yeah, Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink...

43. Fight Milk.

44. - Fight Milk? - Fight Milk?

45. - Yeah. - Wait, wait, dude, that's our drink.

46. You've been selling that?

47. It's selling like crazy

48. with the UFC guys.

49. - UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?

50. Buying it like crazy.

51. Oh, my God, Charlie, this is huge.

52. - Yeah! - Remember, we designed that

53. for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

54. And it makes total sense because the-the best bodyguards

55. - are former UFC fighters. - Well, of course.

56. And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards,

57. so bodyguards, UFC fighters,

58. - that's like... - It's a revolving door.

59. - Absolutely. - Of course.

60. We got to take control of the product.

61. L-let's get out there.

62. Let's-let's-let's mingle with these dudes.

63. - Let's expand the brand, baby. - (caws)

64. - Fight Milk's back. - (both cawing)

65. - Fight Milk! - Yeah! Yeah!

66. Found my go bag.

67. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

68. - Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?

69. - (laughs) - Yeah.

70. This is not funny.

71. Oh, no, it's very funny to me, actually,

72. 'cause your life's falling apart.

73. Yeah, you really screwed yourself this time, Frank.

74. Hey, do you mind?

75. Yeah, go ahead. I'm screwed?

76. You're going down, too, buddy.

77. (sniffs) What?

78. Remember when you wanted all the power

79. so you could get the puss?

80. I made you executive

81. vice president of worldwide distribution.

82. - Shit, but nobody knows that, right? - (laughs)

83. I mean, dude, I only wanted the illusion of power.

84. The-the illusion.

85. I never saw an ounce of puss.

86. Oh, this is a good day for me.

87. - You're going down, too? This is great. - You're laughing?

88. You're executive vice president of operations.

89. - Oh. - What?

90. Yes.

91. Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?

92. It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

93. - Okay, a-all right, all right. - Oh, no.

94. - Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. - Oh, no.

95. I got this, I got this.

96. We-we just need to face this thing head-on.

97. And we need to do it right away, okay?

98. Because we only have...

99. 24 hours.

100. This is why we had to wait

101. for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

102. Yes, bitch. Now, listen,

103. we live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,

104. which means we only have

105. 24 hours to respond to this, okay?

106. If we don't, then Internet trolls

107. are gonna control the narrative.

108. I don't know how we're gonna come back

109. from dealing with terrorists.

110. Christ, Mercedes built Nazi tanks, okay?

111. And the Jews are still driving their cars around.

112. Floyd Mayweather beat the shit

113. out of multiple women and he's the highest paid

114. athlete of all time.

115. All right? There's only one thing

116. you can't come back from... banging kids.

117. Well, what about the Catholic Church?

118. Hmm. That's a good point.

119. Yeah, no, they did sidestep

120. banging kids pretty masterfully,

121. but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal

122. - and we do not, so... - No.

123. here we go.

124. - Fight Milk! - Fight Milk's in the house.

125. Fight Milk's in the house.

126. Who needs some Fight Milk? Fight! Fight!

127. - Fight Milk's in the house. - That's right.

128. Time to stop eating your crow

129. and start drinking your crow, everybody.

130. Hey, guys.

131. Turn off that Cancun,

132. pussy ass, techno bullshit.

133. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's what I said.

134. - I said turn off the... - That's what I was saying is...

135. Don't play the c... the...

136. the Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

137. - and he said... - I said the same thing, yeah.

138. Got to go spring break. Well, anyway,

139. - let's tell you about ourselves. - Yeah.

140. We're the founders and creators of Fight Milk.

141. - Yeah. - We wanted to come by and tell you

142. a little bit about what we do.

143. - Yeah. - Now, I've always been very passionate

144. - about dominating other men. - Uh-oh.

145. There's nothing like the feeling

146. of another man submitting to your will.

147. Now that's power.

148. - Yeah. - In a lot of ways, that's love.

149. What are you talking about?

150. Okay, he's a bodyguard, though.

151. - Yeah. - I feel like you were being unclear.

152. - Did-did I not say that? - Yeah, you should say...

153. - you should lead with that. - I'm screwing up the pitch.

154. You know what, I'm gonna jump in here.

155. We're-we're a couple of crow enthusiasts

156. who wanted to take the power

157. - and essence of a crow - (caws)

158. and-and we packed that into a delicious milk drink

159. - that we invented, thus Fight Milk. - Yeah.

160. I don't know what you guys are talking about right now,

161. but I have heard of your stuff

162. and Cerrone and Felder, they actually love it.

163. - Are you kidding me, dude? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

164. Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drink Fight Milk?

165. Oh, they love it. They crush it.

166. - They crush it. - They're crushing...

167. - That's... - Fight Milk

168. is supposed to be crushed.

169. Uh, this is for wiping yourself down.

170. - Yeah, yeah, thanks, bro. - Okay, man.

171. - All right, yeah, my man. - All right, thanks, bro.

172. Yeah, thanks, guys.

173. - Hey, good luck with that. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

174. - Hello? - Hello?

175. - Uh, Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder. - (chuckles)

176. - Oh, Cowboy! - Hey!

177. - Oh! - Oh!

178. - It's us, the Fight Milk guys. - Hey.

179. Oh, man, we love your drink.

180. We just had some.

181. Yeah, man, I'd get up and shake your hands

182. if I wasn't shitting my brains out right now.

183. - Oh, no. - No, no, that's fine, yeah.

184. So, Fight Milk makes you sick?

185. Makes you expel all body fluids.

186. Sweat, piss,

187. and shit; we got these weigh-ins coming up.

188. Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

189. Oh, you're using it to cut weight, huh?

190. Yeah, they should give you guys a Nobel...

191. Oh, I just puked on my dick!

192. Rock and roll.

193. All right, cool.

194. - Well, uh... - Rock and roll, yeah.

195. - Yeah. - We just got you some merch.

196. Um...

197. Yeah, water bottle.

198. - (coughing, retching, farting) - For when you feel better, and...

199. - Um... yeah, - We should, uh...

200. well, keep drinking the-the drinks

201. that makes you guys throw up and...

202. - Oh! Oh! - Oh, God!

203. All right, you guys ready? This is our opportunity

204. to control our message to the public.

205. And I think how we do that is soften their brand.

206. - Whose brand? - Boko Haram.

207. - What? - Wait, stop,

208. Fr-Frank, you want to change...

209. the perception of a global terrorist organization?

210. - Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it. - No. No, no, no, no.

211. Put your facts away. We're just here to apologize, bozo.

212. No, hold on a second, Dee, no. We're not here

213. to apologize, either, okay? You never apologize.

214. We're just here to take responsibility,

215. but for nothing specific.

216. All that matters is that consumers feel

217. - their voices are being heard. - No.

218. You say you're sorry, and then you just move on.

219. No, Dee, actually, you don't say anything.

220. But you do have a very important job...

221. to say nothing and stand behind me.

222. You see, audiences are gonna trust me

223. over you because you're a woman,

224. and, by definition, shrill.

225. No. Women identify with women in power.

226. Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power.

227. - I'm threatened by 'em. - Everyone is.

228. Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

229. Hmm.

230. And here to tell their side of the story

231. is the team from Wolf Cola.

232. Guys, thanks for coming in.

233. Oh, well, thank you for having us, Chet.

234. We at Wolf Cola were as shocked and saddened

235. by this news as everyone else.

236. Uh, this by no means reflects our ideals

237. as a premium soda company.

238. We're a family-run business,

239. and we really care about people's concerns.

240. Listen, the point is,

241. we have heard you all,

242. and we are working tirelessly to remedy this situation.

243. Well, not an easy situation,

244. indeed, but handled with grace and aplomb.

245. Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. And it looks like

246. you're already getting good feedback.

247. Oh, that's-that's great. Well, uh, thank you, Chet.

248. And I want to say thank you to America...

249. And also, we're sorry.

250. We accept full responsibility

251. for this heinous mistake, and please know

252. that I am actively firing people as we speak,

253. because I am the boss.

254. (whispers): Bitch.

255. That's good to know.

256. Yes.

257. Next up, a heroic tale...

258. You know what, Chet,

259. can I say something?

260. I think we've said enough.

261. I think... you got to understand

262. that Boko Haram did not do 9/11.

263. - Yeah. - That was... al-Qaeda.

264. Paris, that was done

265. by ISIS.

266. Boko Haram is just concentrating,

267. they're doing Africa. I mean...

268. - (groans) - I mean, there's mosquitos down there

269. that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

270. - (theme music plays) - We're gonna take a break.

271. And the 24-hour news cycle starts again.

272. Way to go, assholes.

273. - I made good points. - Jesus Christ,

274. I am just getting eviscerated online.

275. People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch,

276. pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

277. You opened that door the second you apologized, Dee.

278. You don't see this? People need an outlet

279. to unleash their rage. Now social media

280. will come down on you

281. with the fury of a middle-aged man

282. who's accomplished nothing.

283. - Hi-yo! - What's up, bitches?

284. What's that? What do you got?

285. Huh? Crow traps, baby. Look.

286. Fight Milk is boomin'. Apparently,

287. people are using it to lose weight.

288. Yeah. Now, we're gonna lean into that new market

289. - and rebrand the product. - Mm-hmm.

290. I like this rebranding idea.

291. That's what I got to do... I got to rebrand my product.

292. You guys, the problem is, I just ooze sexuality.

293. Well, you ooze.

294. A real woman of power,

295. she exudes no sexuality at all.

296. That's true.

297. I think we got to focus on not losing Boko Haram.

298. That's a good business. The fastest-growing marketplace

299. is Muslim extremists.

300. Frank, we're not going into business with terrorists.

301. Are you crazy?

302. Look, we need to get back on TV immediately

303. and control the goddamn narrative.

304. Yeah, speaking of TV, we're gonna be doing a little controlling

305. of our narrative, so you guys mind clearing out?

306. Yeah, this is now our set.

307. All right, come on, we got work to do, guys. Let's go.

308. Let's go. Don't forget your phone,

309. - stupid idiot. - Yep.

310. - (caws) - (caws)

311. - Three, two, one! What up! - What up!

312. - Are you fat? - You probably are, 'cause you're watching TV!

313. Or Internet.

314. Fight Milk! Rebrand!

315. Let's talk about women's bodies.

316. I like women.

317. It's easy for us men... we have four

318. acceptable body types.

319. Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod,

320. and fat... if you're funny.

321. It's a landslide!

322. As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type.

323. Skinny, big tits!

324. New evidence is suggesting that all this science

325. inside one crow's egg

326. can scientifically make your breasts larger.

327. Watch the enzymes enlargify your breasts.

328. Want to hear more about it? The sci...

329. - (cawing) - Aah!

330. No nerds! Fight Milk!

331. Finally there's a crow-based

332. protein alcoholic drink for you.

333. Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

334. - Well, what do you guys think? - I don't get it.

335. That's 'cause you're a stupid ring girl.

336. - It couldn't be any simpler. - Yeah, look,

337. take it easy. Basically, we're trying

338. to expand our product to the world of UFC women,

339. and look, uh, ring girls are the perfect combo.

340. - Really. - Yeah. I mean, honestly, ladies,

341. you could afford to lose a few pounds,

342. maybe in this area...

343. - Well... - or here.

344. Really, I mean, between the three of you, we could be opening up

345. a bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

346. - Yes. - Now, Fight Milk will help you

347. lose those unwanted pounds

348. so you don't have to resort to surgery,

349. which could cause scarring and make you even less attractive

350. - to men than you already are, okay? - All right.

351. - Now, I feel like... - No, no, look, I'm sorry,

352. my friend has really weird women issues.

353. I didn't realize he brought a laser pointer.

354. But the point is, you guys could look even better

355. if you drank Fight Milk.

356. We're not into your weird diarrhea drink.

357. Right. Okay, it's not a diarrhea drink.

358. - It's... - You know what, Charlie?

359. This isn't the dream that I had for Fight Milk.

360. No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

361. - No! - That's not what I want to be.

362. It's not for women! It was never made for women!

363. But it'd be great if women also drank it.

364. The dream was to create a muscle-up energy drink

365. - Yeah. - that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

366. - Yes! - Men!

367. Or women. But yes. But definitely

368. - crow-power fighting skills. - Either way,

369. - Absolutely. - I think, dude, we got to get back to the lab.

370. I think we got to get some more crows.

371. From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

372. (chuckles): Amazing.

373. Now, who wouldn't want to adopt a little guy like this?

374. (chuckling): Well said, Mike.

375. Great story.

376. Now a local soda company is back in hot water

377. with controversial remarks.

378. Returning to talk about it today is the team from Wolf Cola.

379. Thank you so much for having us back, Chet. Um,

380. we at Wolf Cola are not just about making a satisfying soda.

381. We are about making satisfied customers.

382. We do acknowledge consumers' concerns.

383. Yes, but we are not apologizing.

384. - Right. Oh. - Sorry.

385. I'm just here to humanize him.

386. - To support me. - To-to support him.

387. Support me.

388. Uh, Chet, we would also like to announce

389. that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

390. a portion of the proceeds will be going to a charity

391. that supports African people.

392. All Africans,

393. even the... our friends at Boko Haram,

394. because they are people, too.

395. - We don't discriminate. - Okay, right.

396. Uh, yeah, look, Chet, if I may

397. address the public directly?

398. - By all means. - Okay.

399. Um, I assure you

400. that we have righted this ship,

401. and we are taking every step necessary

402. to address all of your concerns.

403. We at Wolf Cola hope to be a part

404. of your family's daily refreshment for years to come.

405. And we can say that without saying I'm sorry.

406. Well, Mr. Reynolds,

407. it sounds like Wolf Cola has the right man in charge.

408. - (sniffing, grunts) - Yeah. Well, I appreciate that.

409. - (laughing): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Whoa.

410. I thought we were done with the dog segment.

411. - What the hell's this? - Oh. Looks like we got

412. a lovable little guy loose in the studio here.

413. Yeah. Can we get him out of here?

414. - Great. Thanks. - Not a dog

415. - lover, Mr. Reynolds? - Yeah.

416. Well, if you're asking me

417. if I like wild animals slobbering all over me,

418. then, yeah, I guess I'm not really a...

419. - not really a dog lover then. - Wow. I have

420. never met a person who does not like dogs before.

421. - (laughing): Yeah. Yeah. - (laughs)

422. There are plenty of us out there,

423. uh, Chet. Okay, trust me. We're just afraid to admit it

424. because we feel like we're gonna be judged by people like you.

425. - Well, let's take a break. - You know what? Actually, I'm not done.

426. - Uh, Chet, are you a vegetarian by any chance? - No.

427. Oh, so you're a hypocrite. Yeah.

428. See, I find that most people that are whining

429. about dog fights are actually the same people

430. going to football games and UFC fights,

431. watching human beings beat the ever-loving shit

432. out of each other while eating, uh, fried chicken.

433. So, wait. Are you saying you're an animal rights activist?

434. No, I'm actually the opposite, pal.

435. I can't imagine a bigger waste of peoples' time and energy.

436. I mean, Chet, if you can eat fried chicken, then

437. I should be able to eat me some fried dog.

438. Know what I'm saying? I should be able to eat a bucket

439. of fried dog at a chicken fight. (laughs)

440. Yeah. All I'm saying is,

441. look, let's just, you know, let's be consistent.

442. How you feeling, boys? You've been pounding

443. - that new formula? - Yeah, I see you doing it.

444. Yeah, and we're not doing so good, asshole,

445. 'cause nothing's coming out of me.

446. My trash can's empty.

447. Yeah, we're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.

448. Oh, guys. - Guys, just don't worry.

449. - Yeah, yeah, don't worry. - No, guys, guys, guys.

450. Don't worry. Okay, look, this is all a part

451. of our two-step process, all right?

452. See, right now, you're crow loading...

453. Yeah, you drank about, like,

454. four or five entire crows

455. 'cause I'm grinding one up for every bottle at this point.

456. Yes, and it is that crow enzyme that's jacking you up,

457. and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.

458. And... All right, but then what's gonna happen is, you start drinking

459. the Fight Milk Classic, right,

460. and-and that's gonna make you really sick,

461. 'cause that's just the crow eggs

462. and some of the crow's fecal matter.

463. So you start to puke everything out,

464. and then you'll be fine for the weigh-in.

465. You're gonna be puking on your dick in no time.

466. Yeah, yeah, that one's real nasty. Don't worry about it.

467. - Yeah. - You're gonna make weight at the weigh-in.

468. Yeah, all I know is, we don't make weight,

469. I'm killing you both.

470. Yeah.

471. - All right. Uh, that's fine.

472. We're gonna be... We're good.

473. - Yeah. Yeah. - All right, guys, hey, go... go kick ass.

474. Remember, that's the nasty one. Drink that one.

475. That one's got a real...

476. All right,

477. let's bring out the first fighter, Cub Swanson.

478. - We got to get him on Fight Milk, man. - Oh, yeah, we got to get him.

479. We got to get him. We got to get him drinking it.

480. Up next, the challenger, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.

481. - Come on! - (cheering)

482. - Yes! - (whooping)

483. This is it. If he makes weight,

484. this is gonna change Fight Milk and our lives forever.

485. I know, but if he doesn't, we're bolting, right?

486. Oh, yeah. I've already scoped out every single exit.

487. - (crowd chanting) - 155.

488. Yes!

489. Yeah. We did it!

490. - We're gonna be rich! - We did it! We're gonna be rich!

491. - We're gonna be rich. - Let's go.

492. All right, Cowboy, how you feeling right now?

493. I'm feeling good. Ready to put on a show for all these guys.

494. What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?

495. Uh, just like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.

496. Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.

497. We'd also like to take this opportunity

498. to announce that Fight Milk is now

499. - the official drink of the UFC. - Official drink.

500. Now if you're in...

501. - (microphone feedback) - No, no.

502. This is not the official drink of the UFC.

503. And I don't know who these guys are.

504. - Security, get these assholes out of here! - Fight Milk!

505. Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

506. Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

507. Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

508. The nationwide hatred for Wolf Cola

509. continues to intensify on an hourly basis...

510. Holy shit. We're getting hammered worse than before.

511. Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.

512. Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven...

513. raping children and disliking dogs.

514. Well, what am I gonna do with all the merchandise, man?

515. Throw it in the garbage, burn it. Who gives a shit.

516. Yeah, we're done. Fight Milk shit the bed.

517. - What happened? Breaking news

518. from the sports world.

519. Fighters at a UFC

520. event in Philly tested positive

521. for several banned substances,

522. stemming from an energy drink called Fight Milk.

523. We pumped it full of human growth hormone, you know.

524. Yeah.

525. I mean, just nothing else was working.

526. It just... it was just giving people diarrhea.

527. - Mm. - Ugh.

528. Starting to become known

529. as the official drink of the UFC,

530. this Fight Milk is a serious smudge for the group,

531. and a potential public relations nightmare.

532. - Ooh. - Holy shit. Holy shit.

533. - What? - You guys, this is good.

534. This is good. We're freed, and they are screwed.

535. See, this is actually the one good thing

536. about the 24-hour news cycle.

537. If you give it enough time, something new will come along

538. to replace peoples' old outrage with new outrage.

539. Not much is known about Fight Milk,

540. except that it's made right here in Philadelphia

541. by a parent company known as Frank's Fluids.

542. Goddamn it!

543. Start the clock.

544. Yeah.