1.  No. 
			  
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2.  Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30. 
			  
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3.  On fxx. 
			  
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4.  Fxx presents it's always
sunny in Philadelphia. 
			  
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5.  Okay, gather round,
everybody, gather round. 
			  
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6.  Gather round, please. 
			  
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7.  Yeah, i-i have
a, uh, a presentation. 
			  
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8.  Now, because of everyone's
a.D.D., I know I'm gonna 
			  
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9.  lose your attention in
about three minutes, 
			  
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10.  and, uh, frank's
gonna fall asleep.
No way. 
			  
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11.  I slept 26 hours last night. 
			  
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12.  You still seem very sleepy.
Can I start my presentation? 
			  
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13.  Where's the easel?
No, no, I'm not using an
easel... don't interrupt. 
			  
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14.  And I don't want the easel.
What are you gonna point with? 
			  
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15.  Don't want whatever the
hell you're gonna say. 
			  
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16.  'Cause it's all gonna be old
and outdated, all right? 
			  
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17.  Let me start my presentation,
which is actually about that. 
			  
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18.  It's about innovation. 
			  
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19.  Not taking questions.
Goddamn. 
			  
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20.  Let me do my thing, okay?
Stop interrupting. 
			  
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21.  Okay, so, um, as we all know,
um, tomorrow is St. paddy's day, 
			  
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22.  traditionally our
most profitable day. 
			  
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23.  However, recently, profits
have been declining. 
			  
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24.  Every year.
And we need to change. 
			  
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25.  We need innovation. 
			  
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26.  We need to move paddy's
from the past and into... 
			  
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27.  The future,
a mobile paddy wagon. 
			  
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28.  Now, these days, people like
to have things on demand. 
			  
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29.  So instead of having
to go to a bar, 
			  
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30.  we will bring the bar to you. 
			  
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31.  Ooh, is that, like, a car
service type of thing? 
			  
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32.  Where we pick people up and
take 'em around from bar to bar 
			  
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33.  and Jack up the prices? 
			  
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34.  That's actually
a really good idea.
Uh, no. 
			  
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35.  The paddy's wagon is the bar. 
			  
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36.  No, Dennis. 
			  
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37.  If we want to make money, 
			  
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38.  we need to honor ancient
Irish traditions, 
			  
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39.  like serving an irresponsible
amount of booze to people 
			  
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40.  who are genetically predisposed
to having alcohol problems. 
			  
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41.  Right.
You see, 
			  
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42.  St. Patrick started
that tradition, 
			  
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43.  and that's why we
celebrate him today. 
			  
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44.  Yeah... no, that's
not what he did. 
			  
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45.  No, he-he played
the flute for some kids, 
			  
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46.  and then he lured them
into a cave somewhere, 
			  
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47.  and he diddled them.
Nah. 
			  
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48.  You got him mixed up
with the pied Piper.
Right. 
			  
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49.  St. Patrick didn't
play the flute. 
			  
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50.  He drove the kids
out of Ireland. 
			  
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51.  And then he molested 'em. 
			  
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52.  No, no, if-if St. Patrick
molested kids, 
			  
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53.  he would be regarded
as a scoundrel.
No, no, no. 
			  
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54.  I feel like, in the olden days
of the catholic church, 
			  
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55.  pedophiles were
regarded as heroes. 
			  
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56.  All right, all right,
look, g-guys, uh, 
			  
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57.  St. Patrick didn't do
any of that shit, okay? 
			  
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58.  He drove the snakes
out of Ireland. 
			  
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59.  Uh, i-i don't know
about all this. 
			  
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60.  I kind of want to just do
the traditional thing 
			  
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61.  of, like, sticking
around the bar 
			  
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62.  and-and trying to catch
the leprechaun.
No, no! 
			  
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63.  No, we don't want to do
the leprechaun thing again. 
			  
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64.  Stop, stop, guys...
I'm gonna catch one. 
			  
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65.  I'm, like, this close.
You're not gonna catch him 
			  
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66.  because he doesn't exist.
Guys, please, just, plea... 
			  
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67.  Dude, you know what...
I don't even know 
			  
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68.  if I've set up
my glue traps for him yet. 
			  
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69.  Charlie, enough
with the leprechaun! 
			  
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70.  I mean, can you believe him?
Okay, wait. 
			  
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71.  Who cares?
Look, I'm trying to...
You know what, 
			  
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72.  actually... I might
want to get myself a flute. 
			  
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73.  I was thinking the same thing.
We've been talking... you were? 
			  
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74.  Yeah, because i-i feel like
it's a really fun... 
			  
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75.  I know we're
kind of old, but...
You're gonna go get a flute? 
			  
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76.  Go get a flute, yeah.
Go get... go get a flute! 
			  
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77.  Everybody go get a flute! 
			  
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78.  In the sixth grade,
i feel like it's kind of simple. 
			  
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79.  Frank, look... 
			  
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80.  All right, let me
explain it to you, at least. 
			  
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81.  No, he's gone. 
			  
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82.  Okay. 
			  
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83.  So, frank... here's the plan. 
			  
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84.  We're gonna fill the wagon
with hip, attractive clientele. 
			  
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85.  We're gonna use my streamlined
system to process drink orders. 
			  
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86.  We're gonna take photographs
with a retro filter 
			  
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87.  for the web site. 
			  
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88.  And that will entice
future end users 
			  
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89.  to comment
and spread brand awareness 
			  
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90.  over various
social media platforms. 
			  
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91.  That seems insanely complicated. 
			  
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92.  Why don't we just take cash? 
			  
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93.  No, no, no, no. What I'm talking
about's way simpler than cash. 
			  
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94.  It's-it's streamlined. 
			  
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95.  I'm lost.
It's... I'm trying
to explain it to you 
			  
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96.  and I feel like
you're not even listening.
I-i... 
			  
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97.  Top o' the morning,
you filthy lads. 
			  
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98.  I'm fixing to have a whale of
a time in this here mobile pub. 
			  
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99.  I'm so sorry... what is this? 
			  
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100.  Crazy paddy, you big, dumb arse. 
			  
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101.  Yeah. Why? 
			  
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102.  'Cause it's fun.
No. 
			  
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103.  I thought that's the thing
about St. Patrick's day... 
			  
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104.  People want clownery and-and
they want to embrace 
			  
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105.  the Irish stereotypes.
No, no, no.
This isn't innovative. 
			  
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106.  It's outdated and it's gonna
offend people. 
			  
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107.  Well, I brought my piece in case
anybody gets out of line.
Oh, I... 
			  
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108.  Okay, frank, frank,
look... no guns. 
			  
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109.  Let go.
No guns, no costumes. 
			  
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110.  Okay, trust me, i got this. 
			  
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111.  Frank, you're gonna drive.
Drive. 
			  
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112.  Okay, Dee, you're
gonna serve drinks. In the back. 
			  
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113.  As a human being.
A real one. 
			  
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114.  Mm.
Guys, 
			  
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115.  I'm gonna provide... 
			  
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116.  The experience. 
			  
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117.  Ooh. 
			  
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118.  Okay, yeah.
Yeah, right? 
			  
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119.  Yeah, i
like this.
Nice. 
			  
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120.  I... see, I told you.
I know what I'm doing. 
			  
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121.  Come on, let's go. 
			  
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122.  Frank, you're driving. 
			  
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123.  Okay. Here we go. 
			  
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124.  Ho! Check it out, Mac,
got some cool stuff. 
			  
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125.  I got some green paint
and I found a snake. 
			  
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126.  Great. Why? 
			  
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127.  You know, the snakes, 'cause,
like, we... I don't remember 
			  
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128.  where we landed on St. paddy,
but I remember snakes 
			  
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129.  were involved. And the green
paint's for the, uh, beer. 
			  
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130.  Okay, love the snake.
Great catch there. 
			  
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131.  But why not just use food
coloring for the beer? 
			  
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132.  Uh, 'cause beer's not a food. 
			  
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133.  When was the last time
you ate a beer? 
			  
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134.  When was the last time
you drank paint? 
			  
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135.  Have you been drinking paint? 
			  
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136.  No. 
			  
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137.  Let me see your tongue. 
			  
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138.  Oh, my god, dude! 
			  
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139.  Oh, that shit's
just disgusting!
It's not bad. 
			  
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140.  You... you can't drink paint.
I know. I hear you,
i hear you. 
			  
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141.  You say that, but I don't think
that you're gonna stop. 
			  
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142.  Yeah, I get it, though, man.
It's, uh... right. 
			  
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143.  I-i feel like you're saying you
get it, but you don't get it. 
			  
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144.  It's cool.
It's not cool. 
			  
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145.  It is what it is.
Oh, my god, 
			  
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146.  this is so frustrating!
Look, 
			  
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147.  I'm gonna go down
to the basement 
			  
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148.  and I'm gonna check
out my glue traps 
			  
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149.  and see if I, you know,
got a leprechaun in there.
Wait, no, no, no, no. 
			  
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150.  What... we said
no leprechaun this year. 
			  
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151.  You're not chasing leprechauns. 
			  
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152.  I know, and I kind of forgot
where we landed on that. 
			  
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153.  I got these great cookie sheets,
they're filled with glue, so... 
			  
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154.  But i-i hear you,
i hear you. 
			  
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155.  It's a frustrating thing.
It's like the guy doesn't 
			  
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156.  listen to us, man, when we're
trying to get through to him. 
			  
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157.  It's a bummer. 
			  
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158.  No, not you.
Keep moving, let's go, 
			  
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159.  come on.
You kidding me? 
			  
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160.  Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,
there, fellas. 
			  
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161.  What's going on?
Where you going? You know what? 
			  
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162.  Don't answer that.
Because I already know. 
			  
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163.  You're going for a ride
in the paddy's wagon. 
			  
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164.  Oh, cool. Is this,
like, a car service thing? 
			  
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165.  Hey, can you take us
to center city? 
			  
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166.  No, it's not a goddamn car
service. Why does everyone... 
			  
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167.  You get in that
wagon right now or I'm gonna 
			  
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168.  sock you a good one
right in the kisser! 
			  
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169.  Yeah, you dumb bi... 
			  
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170.  What the hell
are you doing?
Uh, just innovating. 
			  
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171.  I took the paddy's wig
and I cut it 
			  
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172.  into an awesome beard.
Great new character.
No. 
			  
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173.  Hilarious.
You've just created another 
			  
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174.  offensive Irish stereotype, Dee. 
			  
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175.  The fighting Irish...
I-it's true. 
			  
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176.  I mean, that's
what Irish people do.
That is not what... 
			  
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177.  They get drunk,
they fight people. 
			  
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178.  All right, I'm trying to give
these guys... look, guys, 
			  
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179.  don't pay attention to her. 
			  
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180.  I-i want to give you
an authentic, um, uh, 
			  
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181.  once-in-a-lifetime
experience here. 
			  
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182.  Oh. Oh, wait, so is
this, like, a bang bus? 
			  
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183.  No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a bang bus, okay? 
			  
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184.  Look... just get in the wagon, 
			  
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185.  I'll give you a ride
to center city. 
			  
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186.  Get in. 
			  
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187.  Gentlemen, 
			  
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188.  let me walk you through how
our simple business works. 
			  
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189.  God, take it easy, frank! 
			  
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190.  Don't tell me
how to drive, you bitch. 
			  
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191.  Let... let's keep it light for
the customers, all right, frank? 
			  
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192.  As I was saying, fellas,
uh, what you're gonna 
			  
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193.  need to do is you,
uh, you're gonna 
			  
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194.  take a picture of this qr code, 
			  
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195.  you're gonna download the app, 
			  
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196.  log in using Facebook,
and you're gonna watch 
			  
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197.  a-a brief, 30-second
advertisement. 
			  
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198.  And then once we receive
your online order, 
			  
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199.  you will promptly
be served a beer. 
			  
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200.  Can't I just pay you cash?
That's what I... yeah. 
			  
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201.  Well, no, cash is the way 
			  
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202.  that antiquated
companies do business. 
			  
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203.  Yeah, I just want a beer.
I don't really 
			  
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204.  want you to have
all my personal information. 
			  
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205.  "A beer.
Just want a beer. 
			  
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206.  Don't want you
to have my..." 
			  
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207.  Yeah. 
			  
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208.  Look, man, um, if i
just gave you a beer 
			  
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209.  and you just gave me cash, 
			  
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210.  then you wouldn't
be able to experience 
			  
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211.  everything that we've
got to offer here, okay? 
			  
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212.  Look, I'll show you. This...
Let me just pull up my... 
			  
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213.  I got a little presentation
here that I put together. 
			  
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214.  But, uh, can't get the goddamn
thing to... to go online. 
			  
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215.  I don't have a signal here.
Goddamn it. You know what? 
			  
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216.  Dee, uh, why don't you just
give 'em a couple free beers? 
			  
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217.  We'll-we'll call
'em "freemiums." 
			  
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218.  Don't know if you're
familiar with that term. 
			  
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219.  This is like all foam.
Dee, you goddamn bitch! 
			  
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220.  Hey! Oh, this thing's
bouncing around 
			  
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221.  like a pinball.
Don't blame me. 
			  
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222.  Keep it light,
you bitch! 
			  
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223.  All right.
Yeah, this is weird. 
			  
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224.  Can we just get out here? 
			  
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225.  Hey, it's locked.
Can you guys let us out? 
			  
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226.  Yeah, call the cops.
Why would you call the cops?
We're just hanging out, man! 
			  
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227.  All right, stop, stop, stop. 
			  
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228.  All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh. Push "end." End. 
			  
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229.  Give the phones
to the girl. 
			  
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230.  Let's go, guys. I don't want
to have to do this shit. 
			  
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231.  Frank, we got to
pivot the business. 
			  
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232.  Mm-hmm. 
			  
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233.  Come on, get the hell out.
Everybody out. 
			  
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234.  Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out. 
			  
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235.  All right. 
			  
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236.  Don't worry. We're gonna mail
your phones back to you, but 
			  
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237.  we're gonna need your addresses,
so fork over your I.D.S. 
			  
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238.  Let's go.
Come on.
And their money. 
			  
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239.  We can't have 'em
cabbing it back to the city 
			  
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240.  and going straight to the cops. 
			  
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241.  Goddamn it.
That's a good point. 
			  
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242.  Okay, you know what?
Dee, collect their wallets. 
			  
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243.  Don't worry, guys.
We're not thieves. 
			  
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244.  You'll get your
wallets back, too. 
			  
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245.  Yeah.
Don't be babies.
All right, uh, 
			  
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246.  come on, come on, guys,
let's go, let's go. 
			  
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247.  Let's go.
Shut the doors. 
			  
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248.  Did we just kidnap
and rob those guys? 
			  
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249.  We just drove the
snakes out of Philly, 
			  
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250.  the way St. Patrick did. 
			  
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251.  Oh! 
			  
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252.  So, what you're saying is, 
			  
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253.  technically, we gave those guys 
			  
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254.  a very authentic
St. paddy's day experience. 
			  
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255.  Oh.
Yeah. 
			  
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256.  Nice.
In a way. 
			  
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257.  Oh. All right. 
			  
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258.  That's good.
That's good.
Yeah. 
			  
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259.  Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here. 
			  
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260.  Jesus Christ, where's Charlie? 
			  
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261.  Hey, Mac, somebody
stole my damn wallet.
What? 
			  
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262.  Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!
I need to talk to Mac. 
			  
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263.  Charlie, where have
you been, dude? 
			  
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264.  I can't run the bar by myself
and do security. 
			  
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265.  People are getting
their wallets stolen. 
			  
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266.  Okay, uh, look, just come 
			  
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267.  to the basement with me,
like, really quick. 
			  
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268.  Goddamn it! All right. 
			  
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269.  Attention, everybody. 
			  
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270.  Irish honor system. 
			  
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271.  Please serve yourselves. 
			  
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272.  Put the money in the bucket.
Thank you. 
			  
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273.  Uh, I don't think the Irish
honor system's a thing, man. 
			  
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274.  Oh, it's a thing. 
			  
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275.  It's an ancient Irish tradition. 
			  
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276.  Know your history, bro. 
			  
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277.  What could possibly
be so important? 
			  
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278.  Charlie... 
			  
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279.  What the hell am I looking at? 
			  
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280.  I caught him. 
			  
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281.  I caught that son of a bitch. 
			  
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282.  Dude, I think you've
kidnapped a little person. 
			  
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283.  Huh? 
			  
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284.  Nah... nah, nah.
First of all, 
			  
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285.  I've captured
a leprechaun, okay? 
			  
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286.  You wouldn't say,
"i kidnapped bigfoot," right? 
			  
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287.  You'd say,
"i captured bigfoot." 
			  
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288.  Well, that may be true,
but leprechauns aren't real. 
			  
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289.  So what we're dealing with here 
			  
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290.  is a little person
in a glue trap. 
			  
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291.  Yeah, I thought about that,
ruled it out, okay? 
			  
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292.  'Cause the basement door
was locked, so unless 
			  
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293.  he's a being
who's unrestrained by the laws 
			  
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294.  of the physical world,
he's not getting down here, man. 
			  
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295.  Dude, if he is a human being, 
			  
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296.  he is going to sue
the shit out of us. 
			  
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297.  If he's a leprechaun,
he's got a pot of gold. 
			  
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298.  Yeah... 
			  
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299.  Well, yeah, that's... 
			  
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300.  Well, let's not rule
one out over the other. 
			  
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301.  I mean, it's very weird 
			  
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302.  that he's down here, right? 
			  
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303.  Okay. Let's ask him. 
			  
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304.  Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask
you a direct question. 
			  
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305.  Are you now or have you
ever been a leprechaun? 
			  
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306.  No, I'm not
a goddamn leprechaun! 
			  
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307.  Please...
It was pretty
convincing. 
			  
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308.  Are you kidding me? 
			  
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309.  If he's a leprechaun, that's
what he has to say, right? 
			  
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310.  Sir, why are you dressed
like a leprechaun? 
			  
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311.  'Cause it's St. paddy's day,
you idiots! 
			  
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312.  This guy's good.
He's good.
Yeah. 
			  
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313.  Nasty little son of a bitch,
isn't he? You think? 
			  
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314.  There's, like,
a real bite to him. 
			  
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315.  I know. You know what
i think we should do? 
			  
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316.  We just rough him
up a little bit. 
			  
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317.  You know, just get the truth
out of him, just a little bit. 
			  
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318.  It's a great idea. 
			  
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319.  We don't want
to bruise him up.
Yeah. 
			  
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320.  You know, so, I just
wish we had, like,
a hose or something. 
			  
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321.  Yeah.
You know, we could blast
the truth out of him. 
			  
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322.  Right?
That'd be good... 
			  
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323.  Oh, shit.
There's a hose right here. 
			  
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324.  I... I don't ever remember
a hose being down here, do you? 
			  
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325.  No. I don't know.
Dude... 
			  
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326.  Do you realize
what just happened? 
			  
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327.  You made a wish, which
the leprechaun clearly granted. 
			  
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328.  You know, everyone knows,
you capture a leprechaun, 
			  
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329.  you get three wishes, right? 
			  
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330.  So we got to think
very carefully what
our next two are here. 
			  
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331.  I wish I could
live forever?
What are you doing? 
			  
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332.  I wish you don't.
How about that?
No, no! Why did you do that? 
			  
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333.  Why did you do that?
Why didn't you say, 
			  
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334.  "i wish I could live forever"? 
			  
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335.  And live forever with you?
Well... 
			  
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336.  Look, I'm not a leprechaun! 
			  
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337.  Just let me out of here,
you dickheads! 
			  
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338.  Ah. Wish there was a way 
			  
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339.  we could just know
for sure, you know. 
			  
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340.  Charlie? 
			  
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341.  Get the snake. 
			  
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342.  You know what the problem was,
frank? 
			  
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343.  That last group of belligerent
hooligans just didn't understand 
			  
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344.  how to experience
our business properly, 
			  
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345.  but I think this new group
is gonna get it. 
			  
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346.  Plus, they're physically weaker, 
			  
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347.  in case anything goes wrong. 
			  
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348.  What's happening? 
			  
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349.  I'll tell ya what's happenin'. 
			  
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350.  One day you're young and pretty, 
			  
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351.  and the next, the years
of drinking and abuse 
			  
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352.  have robbed you of your youth. 
			  
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353.  Abuse? Did these
guys hurt you? 
			  
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354.  No! 
			  
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355.  Me husband did this to me. 
			  
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356.  Arr! 
			  
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357.  Dee...
Mm? 
			  
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358.  What the hell are you doing? 
			  
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359.  What are you...?
What, are you a pirate? 
			  
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360.  I can't tell if you're
doing a thing now, 
			  
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361.  or if this is just
who you've become. 
			  
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362.  I'm giving them 
			  
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363.  an authentic Irish experience, 
			  
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364.  like you were begging for
before... 
			  
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365.  You're giving them a
completely inauthentic, 
			  
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366.  frightening experience,
and you're scaring them. 
			  
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367.  Okay, listen, ladies,
nobody's gonna get hurt. 
			  
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368.  Will you just let us out,
please? 
			  
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369.  Well, no. 
			  
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370.  No, I'm not gonna let you out. 
			  
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371.  I need you to
experience everything 
			  
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372.  i-i have to offer,
okay, so you're... 
			  
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373.  Rahr!
So, experience... Dee! 
			  
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374.  Shut up! 
			  
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375.  All right, look, we're gonna
have a good time here, okay? 
			  
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376.  You're experiencing some
free beers right now 
			  
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377.  because I can't get the
goddamn Internet to work. 
			  
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378.  That's a problem for me.
Do you guys know how to use 
			  
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379.  tablet computers?
You're young.
No. 
			  
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380.  I just want to connect the
goddamn thing to the Internet. 
			  
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381.  They told me it'd be easy.
It's not, though. 
			  
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382.  Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what. 
			  
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383.  I'll let you out after I take
a couple photographs of you. 
			  
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384.  How's that sound? Yeah?
Take some photographs 
			  
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385.  for my... for my web site?
So, look happy. 
			  
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386.  Look like you're having fun.
No need to cover those up. 
			  
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387.  My customers like those.
They're like me. 
			  
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388.  They're gonna want to see that. 
			  
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389.  Yeah, okay, so smiling,
smiling, and... 
			  
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390.  You're not convincing me.
Smile! 
			  
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391.  Goddamn! 
			  
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392.  This is not
supposed to be scary. 
			  
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393.  This is supposed to be an
authentic, fun time for you. 
			  
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394.  (Camera shutter clicking,
women crying)
Yeah, all right, well, 
			  
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395.  I need to buy it, okay? 
			  
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396.  I'm...
Please let us out. 
			  
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397.  I don't want to be on
your weird web site.
Shh. 
			  
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398.  Well, if you don't comply
with me, then you're
gonna end up 
			  
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399.  on the weird one, okay?
So, smile. 
			  
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400.  Ugh! All right. 
			  
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401.  You know what?
This isn't gonna work. 
			  
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402.  All right, come on, come on. 
			  
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403.  Let's go. Come on. 
			  
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404.  All right, out you go, ladies.
Out you go. 
			  
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405.  I know you didn't
threaten to call the cops, 
			  
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406.  but you would have...
I'm certain of it... 
			  
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407.  So I'm gonna need
your wallets and your phones. 
			  
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408.  Give 'em to the girl. 
			  
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409.  Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna
pop on your Twitter accounts, 
			  
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410.  just so you know. Write us some,
uh, enthusiastic reviews, 
			  
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411.  which you would have done,
as well, 
			  
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412.  had you experienced
our business properly, 
			  
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413.  but you decided to be... 
			  
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414.  All right, well... 
			  
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415.  Talk, bitch!
I'm blasting you! Come on!
Talk! Come on, leprechaun! 
			  
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416.  Come on, leprechaun,
admit it!
Where's the gold? 
			  
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417.  Aw, what's the point, dude?
There's no water pressure. 
			  
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418.  I feel like I'm
giving him a baby bath.
Yeah, I know. 
			  
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419.  Snake's not working either, man. 
			  
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420.  Well, that's
because the snake is dead. 
			  
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421.  Because you put it in a plastic
bag and it couldn't breathe. 
			  
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422.  All right, doesn't matter.
He probably killed it 
			  
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423.  with his leprechaun
magic, anyway. 
			  
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424.  I'm not a leprechaun,
you goddamn assholes! 
			  
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425.  Yeah, yeah, guy.
How are we gonna get
his pot of gold 
			  
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426.  if he won't even admit to us
that he's a leprechaun? 
			  
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427.  I mean, if this guy would
just admit he was a leprechaun, 
			  
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428.  we could be done
with this whole mess.
Well, yeah. 
			  
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429.  Of course.
Okay, fine, you got me. 
			  
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430.  I'm a leprechaun.
I admit it. 
			  
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431.  What? 
			  
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432.  God... I am a... I'm a... 
			  
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433.  Damn... a... I'm a leprechaun. 
			  
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434.  Yeah, right, but you
don't have the accent,
that's... 
			  
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435.  And that's throwing
me off, right?
It's throwing me off. 
			  
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436.  I live in a faraway land, 
			  
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437.  and I was transported here
by a giant magical rainbow. 
			  
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438.  And you never got me
lucky charms. 
			  
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439.  Oh!
That's it! That's it! 
			  
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440.  You were right! Dude!
You caught a leprechaun!
I told you, man! I knew it! 
			  
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441.  Hey, can you let me go now? 
			  
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442.  No, you can't go. You know...
No. No. 
			  
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443.  We need your pot of gold.
Where is it?
Yeah. 
			  
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444.  It's at the bottom
of the rainbow. 
			  
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445.  Hmm.
Must be some sort
of leprechaun riddle, 
			  
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446.  'cause there's no
rainbows out today. 
			  
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447.  No, dude... I don't think
this guy's talking in metaphors. 
			  
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448.  I think he means
exactly what he's saying.
Yeah? 
			  
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449.  Dude, he's talking
about that gay bar 
			  
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450.  down on locust street...
The rainbow. 
			  
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451.  You know which one
I'm talking about, right?
No. 
			  
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452.  Right. I'm gonna go
check it out, alone. 
			  
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453.  Why? 
			  
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454.  Well, because you'll be here. 
			  
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455.  And if, uh, the gang comes back, 
			  
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456.  they'll also be here,
and I'll be there, alone. 
			  
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457.  Right. 
			  
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458.  But you'll be here. 
			  
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459.  Great.
Great. 
			  
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460.  All right, you go do that,
okay. Yeah. 
			  
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461.  And, uh, remember, you're there
to look for a pot of gold. 
			  
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462.  Okay. Alone. 
			  
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463.  Yeah. You'll be there, alone. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
464.  Okay!
Got it. 
			  
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465.  All right, well, that
just leaves you and me, and, uh, 
			  
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466.  we both know there's no pot
of gold at that gay bar. 
			  
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467.  So the question is... 
			  
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468.  What to do with the little liar. 
			  
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469.  We haven't made
a goddamn penny today. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
470.  We actually lost money, 
			  
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471.  with all the gas we burned
going back and forth. 
			  
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472.  Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
The business model's flawless. 
			  
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473.  If you knew how to drive
and you knew how to serve 
			  
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474.  a goddamn beer, we wouldn't
be in this mess. 
			  
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475.  Hmm. 
			  
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476.  All right.
Mmm. 
			  
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477.  Okay, everybody out.
Get out. Let's go. Come on. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
478.  Go, go, go, go, go. You guys
are in the wrong demographic. 
			  
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479.  Where have you taken us? 
			  
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480.  Right. Yeah, I guess, uh, 
			  
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481.  we got so used to our routine of
picking people up and dropping 
			  
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482.  'em off outside of town
that we never even tried 
			  
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483.  to sell you people beer,
did we?
They're too old, anyway. 
			  
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484.  Who's gonna watch
'em on a web site?
That's true. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
485.  Yeah, you guys are
a little too old for our, uh... 
			  
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486.  So...
Wallets and phones.
You know the drill. 
			  
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487.  I don't know why we don't
just do the car service thing. 
			  
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488.  People seem to be really needing
rides all over the town. 
			  
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489.  No, you know,
that idea may work.
You think so? 
			  
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490.  Thank you.
You're welcome. 
			  
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491.  Oh. B-but before we
pivot to that one, 
			  
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492.  um, Deandra,
you mind, uh, jumpin' out 
			  
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493.  to see about the gas cap?
I think I left it off. 
			  
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494.  Yeah.
Oop. 
			  
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495.  Oh! Hey! 
			  
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496.  Oh, goddamn! 
			  
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497.  Goddamn it...! 
			  
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498.  What you did there, frank,
that was... very funny.
Yeah. That bitch 
			  
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499.  was dragging us down.
Yeah. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
500.  She was
driving me crazy, man.
Oh. 
			  
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501.  Oh... shit.
What? 
			  
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502.  She didn't put the gas cap on. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
503.  Oh, is it open for real?
Big-time. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
504.  Oh, shit. Yeah, let me
grab that real quick. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
505.  I got it. 
			  
			Copy !req 
			
		
	
		
			
506.  No, no, no, no, n...
Aw, goddamn! 
			  
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507.  I can't believe uber
Jacks up their prices
just because it's a holiday. 
			  
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508.  That's unbelie... it's a scam. 
			  
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509.  We should have been doing
that the entire time. 
			  
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510.  Are you kidding me?
That was my whole idea. 
			  
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511.  Dee, stop trying to take
credit for everything. Wait, 
			  
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512.  what is going on in here?
Weren't Mac and Charlie 
			  
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513.  taking care of the bar?
Yeah, they were. 
			  
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514.  Why is the bar empty?
It ain't empty. 
			  
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515.  What are you doing back here,
you piece of shit? 
			  
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516.  It's a long story.
The business hit a wall, 
			  
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517.  went up in smoke,
and then went under. 
			  
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518.  Why are you speaking
in metaphors? 
			  
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519.  It ain't a metaphor.
I fell asleep, 
			  
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520.  crashed into a wall,
the engine burst into flames, 
			  
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521.  and I had to drive it
into a river.
Right. 
			  
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522.  What the hell is that? 
			  
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523.  well, you may be a man. 
			  
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524.  You may be a leprechaun. 
			  
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525.  But only one thing's for sure: 
			  
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526.  You're in the wrong basement. 
			  
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527.  Goddamn it! No! 
			  
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528.  I'm gonna see if
you bleed green.
No! No! No, no, no! 
			  
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529.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie,
Charlie, what the hell is...
Whoa, whoa. Hey! 
			  
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530.  What are you doing? 
			  
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531.  What does it look
like I'm doing? 
			  
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532.  It looks like you've tied
a little person to a chair 
			  
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533.  and you're gonna torture him. 
			  
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534.  No, I've tied
a leprechaun to a chair, 
			  
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535.  and, uh, yeah,
i was gonna cut him to pieces. 
			  
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536.  Charlie... 
			  
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537.  You been drinking
straight paint? 
			  
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538.  Yeah. 
			  
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539.  Charlie, he's
not a leprechaun! 
			  
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540.  Do not hurt him!
I repeat: 
			  
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541.  He is not a leprechaun!
Oh, hey. 
			  
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542.  What is this?
Why are you covered in glitter? 
			  
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543.  I would love to answer
all of your questions, 
			  
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544.  but there is no time. 
			  
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545.  You see, I went to the rainbow
to look for a pot of gold. 
			  
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546.  The gay bar?
Oh. 
			  
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547.  Again, no questions. 
			  
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548.  And when I got back, 
			  
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549.  I found this bag...
Full of wallets, 
			  
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550.  hidden where we keep the towels. 
			  
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551.  Why did you need towels? 
			  
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552.  Not answering questions, okay? 
			  
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553.  Because apparently this son
of a bitch is a pickpocket. 
			  
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554.  That's why he's been
lurking around paddy's. 
			  
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555.  Oh! Well, that makes a lot
of sense, 'cause he kept saying, 
			  
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556.  like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm
a pickpocket. Stop hurting me. 
			  
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557.  I'm not a leprechaun." And
i just thought that was, like, 
			  
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558.  a metaphor for, you know,
"i-i am a leprechaun." 
			  
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559.  This little son of a bitch
has been picking pockets 
			  
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560.  at our bar
every St. paddy's day 
			  
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561.  for years.
Well, we got a whole bag 
			  
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562.  full of wallets and phones, too. 
			  
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563.  You did? That's good. Because
the bar did not do so great.
Yeah. 
			  
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564.  Turns out the Irish honor
system, that's not a thing. 
			  
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565.  Yeah, we were gonna
actually return the wallets 
			  
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566.  that we got, but, uh, yeah. 
			  
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567.  Since no one seems to be... 
			  
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568.  Being honorable, uh,
maybe we keep our wallets 
			  
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569.  and those and, you know, yeah. 
			  
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570.  Chalk it up as a win. Yeah.
Oh, the luck of the Irish. 
			  
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571.  Let's not make it
a tradition, though. 
			  
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572.  Sure.
Yeah, probably better
not to. 
			  
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573.  All right, well, what do we do
with this piece of shit? 
			  
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574.  Oh, shit, that leprechaun
just flew up a rainbow! 
			  
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575.  Stop drinking paint, Charlie. 
			  
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576.  Huh. 
			  
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577.  Brown. 
			  
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578.  Captioned by
media access group at wgbh 
			  
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579.  Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30. 
			  
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580.  On fxx. 
			  
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581.  It's a kitty cat. 
			  
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582.  Baskets. All new,
Thursdays at 10:00. 
			  
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583.  Only on fx. 
			  
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584.  An fx original series. 
			  
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585.  The people v. O.J. Simpson. 
			  
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586.  All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx. 
			  
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587.  This spring... 
			  
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588.  How awesome is it
to be back doing
what we're best at? 
			  
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589.  Archer! 
			  
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590.  - Aaah!
- Mmm. 
			  
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591.  Why the hell are you naked? 
			  
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592.  It's after labor day. 
			  
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593.  Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer. 
			  
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594.  Boop. Sorry.
Had to take that. 
			  
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595.  Archer. 
			  
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596.  Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades? 
			  
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597.  'Cause they're
terrible people.
Whoo-hoo! 
			  
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598.  The all new season
starts Thursday, march 31. 
			  
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599.  Only on fx. 
			  
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