1. No.
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2. Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
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3. On fxx.
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4. Fxx presents it's always
sunny in Philadelphia.
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5. Okay, gather round,
everybody, gather round.
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6. Gather round, please.
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7. Yeah, i-i have
a, uh, a presentation.
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8. Now, because of everyone's
a.D.D., I know I'm gonna
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9. lose your attention in
about three minutes,
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10. and, uh, frank's
gonna fall asleep.
No way.
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11. I slept 26 hours last night.
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12. You still seem very sleepy.
Can I start my presentation?
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13. Where's the easel?
No, no, I'm not using an
easel... don't interrupt.
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14. And I don't want the easel.
What are you gonna point with?
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15. Don't want whatever the
hell you're gonna say.
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16. 'Cause it's all gonna be old
and outdated, all right?
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17. Let me start my presentation,
which is actually about that.
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18. It's about innovation.
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19. Not taking questions.
Goddamn.
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20. Let me do my thing, okay?
Stop interrupting.
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21. Okay, so, um, as we all know,
um, tomorrow is St. paddy's day,
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22. traditionally our
most profitable day.
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23. However, recently, profits
have been declining.
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24. Every year.
And we need to change.
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25. We need innovation.
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26. We need to move paddy's
from the past and into...
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27. The future,
a mobile paddy wagon.
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28. Now, these days, people like
to have things on demand.
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29. So instead of having
to go to a bar,
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30. we will bring the bar to you.
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31. Ooh, is that, like, a car
service type of thing?
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32. Where we pick people up and
take 'em around from bar to bar
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33. and Jack up the prices?
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34. That's actually
a really good idea.
Uh, no.
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35. The paddy's wagon is the bar.
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36. No, Dennis.
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37. If we want to make money,
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38. we need to honor ancient
Irish traditions,
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39. like serving an irresponsible
amount of booze to people
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40. who are genetically predisposed
to having alcohol problems.
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41. Right.
You see,
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42. St. Patrick started
that tradition,
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43. and that's why we
celebrate him today.
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44. Yeah... no, that's
not what he did.
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45. No, he-he played
the flute for some kids,
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46. and then he lured them
into a cave somewhere,
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47. and he diddled them.
Nah.
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48. You got him mixed up
with the pied Piper.
Right.
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49. St. Patrick didn't
play the flute.
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50. He drove the kids
out of Ireland.
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51. And then he molested 'em.
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52. No, no, if-if St. Patrick
molested kids,
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53. he would be regarded
as a scoundrel.
No, no, no.
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54. I feel like, in the olden days
of the catholic church,
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55. pedophiles were
regarded as heroes.
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56. All right, all right,
look, g-guys, uh,
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57. St. Patrick didn't do
any of that shit, okay?
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58. He drove the snakes
out of Ireland.
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59. Uh, i-i don't know
about all this.
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60. I kind of want to just do
the traditional thing
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61. of, like, sticking
around the bar
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62. and-and trying to catch
the leprechaun.
No, no!
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63. No, we don't want to do
the leprechaun thing again.
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64. Stop, stop, guys...
I'm gonna catch one.
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65. I'm, like, this close.
You're not gonna catch him
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66. because he doesn't exist.
Guys, please, just, plea...
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67. Dude, you know what...
I don't even know
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68. if I've set up
my glue traps for him yet.
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69. Charlie, enough
with the leprechaun!
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70. I mean, can you believe him?
Okay, wait.
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71. Who cares?
Look, I'm trying to...
You know what,
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72. actually... I might
want to get myself a flute.
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73. I was thinking the same thing.
We've been talking... you were?
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74. Yeah, because i-i feel like
it's a really fun...
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75. I know we're
kind of old, but...
You're gonna go get a flute?
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76. Go get a flute, yeah.
Go get... go get a flute!
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77. Everybody go get a flute!
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78. In the sixth grade,
i feel like it's kind of simple.
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79. Frank, look...
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80. All right, let me
explain it to you, at least.
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81. No, he's gone.
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82. Okay.
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83. So, frank... here's the plan.
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84. We're gonna fill the wagon
with hip, attractive clientele.
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85. We're gonna use my streamlined
system to process drink orders.
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86. We're gonna take photographs
with a retro filter
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87. for the web site.
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88. And that will entice
future end users
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89. to comment
and spread brand awareness
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90. over various
social media platforms.
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91. That seems insanely complicated.
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92. Why don't we just take cash?
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93. No, no, no, no. What I'm talking
about's way simpler than cash.
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94. It's-it's streamlined.
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95. I'm lost.
It's... I'm trying
to explain it to you
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96. and I feel like
you're not even listening.
I-i...
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97. Top o' the morning,
you filthy lads.
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98. I'm fixing to have a whale of
a time in this here mobile pub.
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99. I'm so sorry... what is this?
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100. Crazy paddy, you big, dumb arse.
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101. Yeah. Why?
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102. 'Cause it's fun.
No.
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103. I thought that's the thing
about St. Patrick's day...
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104. People want clownery and-and
they want to embrace
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105. the Irish stereotypes.
No, no, no.
This isn't innovative.
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106. It's outdated and it's gonna
offend people.
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107. Well, I brought my piece in case
anybody gets out of line.
Oh, I...
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108. Okay, frank, frank,
look... no guns.
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109. Let go.
No guns, no costumes.
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110. Okay, trust me, i got this.
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111. Frank, you're gonna drive.
Drive.
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112. Okay, Dee, you're
gonna serve drinks. In the back.
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113. As a human being.
A real one.
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114. Mm.
Guys,
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115. I'm gonna provide...
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116. The experience.
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117. Ooh.
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118. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, right?
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119. Yeah, i
like this.
Nice.
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120. I... see, I told you.
I know what I'm doing.
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121. Come on, let's go.
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122. Frank, you're driving.
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123. Okay. Here we go.
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124. Ho! Check it out, Mac,
got some cool stuff.
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125. I got some green paint
and I found a snake.
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126. Great. Why?
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127. You know, the snakes, 'cause,
like, we... I don't remember
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128. where we landed on St. paddy,
but I remember snakes
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129. were involved. And the green
paint's for the, uh, beer.
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130. Okay, love the snake.
Great catch there.
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131. But why not just use food
coloring for the beer?
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132. Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.
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133. When was the last time
you ate a beer?
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134. When was the last time
you drank paint?
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135. Have you been drinking paint?
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136. No.
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137. Let me see your tongue.
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138. Oh, my god, dude!
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139. Oh, that shit's
just disgusting!
It's not bad.
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140. You... you can't drink paint.
I know. I hear you,
i hear you.
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141. You say that, but I don't think
that you're gonna stop.
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142. Yeah, I get it, though, man.
It's, uh... right.
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143. I-i feel like you're saying you
get it, but you don't get it.
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144. It's cool.
It's not cool.
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145. It is what it is.
Oh, my god,
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146. this is so frustrating!
Look,
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147. I'm gonna go down
to the basement
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148. and I'm gonna check
out my glue traps
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149. and see if I, you know,
got a leprechaun in there.
Wait, no, no, no, no.
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150. What... we said
no leprechaun this year.
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151. You're not chasing leprechauns.
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152. I know, and I kind of forgot
where we landed on that.
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153. I got these great cookie sheets,
they're filled with glue, so...
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154. But i-i hear you,
i hear you.
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155. It's a frustrating thing.
It's like the guy doesn't
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156. listen to us, man, when we're
trying to get through to him.
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157. It's a bummer.
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158. No, not you.
Keep moving, let's go,
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159. come on.
You kidding me?
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160. Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,
there, fellas.
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161. What's going on?
Where you going? You know what?
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162. Don't answer that.
Because I already know.
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163. You're going for a ride
in the paddy's wagon.
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164. Oh, cool. Is this,
like, a car service thing?
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165. Hey, can you take us
to center city?
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166. No, it's not a goddamn car
service. Why does everyone...
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167. You get in that
wagon right now or I'm gonna
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168. sock you a good one
right in the kisser!
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169. Yeah, you dumb bi...
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170. What the hell
are you doing?
Uh, just innovating.
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171. I took the paddy's wig
and I cut it
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172. into an awesome beard.
Great new character.
No.
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173. Hilarious.
You've just created another
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174. offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.
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175. The fighting Irish...
I-it's true.
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176. I mean, that's
what Irish people do.
That is not what...
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177. They get drunk,
they fight people.
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178. All right, I'm trying to give
these guys... look, guys,
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179. don't pay attention to her.
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180. I-i want to give you
an authentic, um, uh,
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181. once-in-a-lifetime
experience here.
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182. Oh. Oh, wait, so is
this, like, a bang bus?
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183. No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a bang bus, okay?
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184. Look... just get in the wagon,
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185. I'll give you a ride
to center city.
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186. Get in.
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187. Gentlemen,
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188. let me walk you through how
our simple business works.
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189. God, take it easy, frank!
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190. Don't tell me
how to drive, you bitch.
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191. Let... let's keep it light for
the customers, all right, frank?
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192. As I was saying, fellas,
uh, what you're gonna
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193. need to do is you,
uh, you're gonna
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194. take a picture of this qr code,
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195. you're gonna download the app,
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196. log in using Facebook,
and you're gonna watch
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197. a-a brief, 30-second
advertisement.
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198. And then once we receive
your online order,
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199. you will promptly
be served a beer.
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200. Can't I just pay you cash?
That's what I... yeah.
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201. Well, no, cash is the way
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202. that antiquated
companies do business.
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203. Yeah, I just want a beer.
I don't really
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204. want you to have
all my personal information.
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205. "A beer.
Just want a beer.
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206. Don't want you
to have my..."
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207. Yeah.
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208. Look, man, um, if i
just gave you a beer
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209. and you just gave me cash,
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210. then you wouldn't
be able to experience
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211. everything that we've
got to offer here, okay?
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212. Look, I'll show you. This...
Let me just pull up my...
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213. I got a little presentation
here that I put together.
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214. But, uh, can't get the goddamn
thing to... to go online.
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215. I don't have a signal here.
Goddamn it. You know what?
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216. Dee, uh, why don't you just
give 'em a couple free beers?
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217. We'll-we'll call
'em "freemiums."
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218. Don't know if you're
familiar with that term.
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219. This is like all foam.
Dee, you goddamn bitch!
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220. Hey! Oh, this thing's
bouncing around
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221. like a pinball.
Don't blame me.
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222. Keep it light,
you bitch!
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223. All right.
Yeah, this is weird.
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224. Can we just get out here?
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225. Hey, it's locked.
Can you guys let us out?
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226. Yeah, call the cops.
Why would you call the cops?
We're just hanging out, man!
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227. All right, stop, stop, stop.
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228. All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh. Push "end." End.
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229. Give the phones
to the girl.
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230. Let's go, guys. I don't want
to have to do this shit.
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231. Frank, we got to
pivot the business.
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232. Mm-hmm.
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233. Come on, get the hell out.
Everybody out.
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234. Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out.
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235. All right.
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236. Don't worry. We're gonna mail
your phones back to you, but
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237. we're gonna need your addresses,
so fork over your I.D.S.
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238. Let's go.
Come on.
And their money.
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239. We can't have 'em
cabbing it back to the city
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240. and going straight to the cops.
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241. Goddamn it.
That's a good point.
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242. Okay, you know what?
Dee, collect their wallets.
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243. Don't worry, guys.
We're not thieves.
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244. You'll get your
wallets back, too.
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245. Yeah.
Don't be babies.
All right, uh,
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246. come on, come on, guys,
let's go, let's go.
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247. Let's go.
Shut the doors.
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248. Did we just kidnap
and rob those guys?
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249. We just drove the
snakes out of Philly,
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250. the way St. Patrick did.
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251. Oh!
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252. So, what you're saying is,
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253. technically, we gave those guys
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254. a very authentic
St. paddy's day experience.
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255. Oh.
Yeah.
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256. Nice.
In a way.
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257. Oh. All right.
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258. That's good.
That's good.
Yeah.
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259. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.
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260. Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?
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261. Hey, Mac, somebody
stole my damn wallet.
What?
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262. Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!
I need to talk to Mac.
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263. Charlie, where have
you been, dude?
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264. I can't run the bar by myself
and do security.
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265. People are getting
their wallets stolen.
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266. Okay, uh, look, just come
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267. to the basement with me,
like, really quick.
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268. Goddamn it! All right.
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269. Attention, everybody.
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270. Irish honor system.
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271. Please serve yourselves.
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272. Put the money in the bucket.
Thank you.
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273. Uh, I don't think the Irish
honor system's a thing, man.
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274. Oh, it's a thing.
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275. It's an ancient Irish tradition.
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276. Know your history, bro.
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277. What could possibly
be so important?
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278. Charlie...
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279. What the hell am I looking at?
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280. I caught him.
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281. I caught that son of a bitch.
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282. Dude, I think you've
kidnapped a little person.
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283. Huh?
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284. Nah... nah, nah.
First of all,
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285. I've captured
a leprechaun, okay?
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286. You wouldn't say,
"i kidnapped bigfoot," right?
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287. You'd say,
"i captured bigfoot."
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288. Well, that may be true,
but leprechauns aren't real.
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289. So what we're dealing with here
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290. is a little person
in a glue trap.
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291. Yeah, I thought about that,
ruled it out, okay?
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292. 'Cause the basement door
was locked, so unless
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293. he's a being
who's unrestrained by the laws
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294. of the physical world,
he's not getting down here, man.
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295. Dude, if he is a human being,
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296. he is going to sue
the shit out of us.
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297. If he's a leprechaun,
he's got a pot of gold.
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298. Yeah...
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299. Well, yeah, that's...
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300. Well, let's not rule
one out over the other.
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301. I mean, it's very weird
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302. that he's down here, right?
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303. Okay. Let's ask him.
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304. Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask
you a direct question.
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305. Are you now or have you
ever been a leprechaun?
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306. No, I'm not
a goddamn leprechaun!
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307. Please...
It was pretty
convincing.
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308. Are you kidding me?
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309. If he's a leprechaun, that's
what he has to say, right?
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310. Sir, why are you dressed
like a leprechaun?
Copy !req
311. 'Cause it's St. paddy's day,
you idiots!
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312. This guy's good.
He's good.
Yeah.
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313. Nasty little son of a bitch,
isn't he? You think?
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314. There's, like,
a real bite to him.
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315. I know. You know what
i think we should do?
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316. We just rough him
up a little bit.
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317. You know, just get the truth
out of him, just a little bit.
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318. It's a great idea.
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319. We don't want
to bruise him up.
Yeah.
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320. You know, so, I just
wish we had, like,
a hose or something.
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321. Yeah.
You know, we could blast
the truth out of him.
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322. Right?
That'd be good...
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323. Oh, shit.
There's a hose right here.
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324. I... I don't ever remember
a hose being down here, do you?
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325. No. I don't know.
Dude...
Copy !req
326. Do you realize
what just happened?
Copy !req
327. You made a wish, which
the leprechaun clearly granted.
Copy !req
328. You know, everyone knows,
you capture a leprechaun,
Copy !req
329. you get three wishes, right?
Copy !req
330. So we got to think
very carefully what
our next two are here.
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331. I wish I could
live forever?
What are you doing?
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332. I wish you don't.
How about that?
No, no! Why did you do that?
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333. Why did you do that?
Why didn't you say,
Copy !req
334. "i wish I could live forever"?
Copy !req
335. And live forever with you?
Well...
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336. Look, I'm not a leprechaun!
Copy !req
337. Just let me out of here,
you dickheads!
Copy !req
338. Ah. Wish there was a way
Copy !req
339. we could just know
for sure, you know.
Copy !req
340. Charlie?
Copy !req
341. Get the snake.
Copy !req
342. You know what the problem was,
frank?
Copy !req
343. That last group of belligerent
hooligans just didn't understand
Copy !req
344. how to experience
our business properly,
Copy !req
345. but I think this new group
is gonna get it.
Copy !req
346. Plus, they're physically weaker,
Copy !req
347. in case anything goes wrong.
Copy !req
348. What's happening?
Copy !req
349. I'll tell ya what's happenin'.
Copy !req
350. One day you're young and pretty,
Copy !req
351. and the next, the years
of drinking and abuse
Copy !req
352. have robbed you of your youth.
Copy !req
353. Abuse? Did these
guys hurt you?
Copy !req
354. No!
Copy !req
355. Me husband did this to me.
Copy !req
356. Arr!
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357. Dee...
Mm?
Copy !req
358. What the hell are you doing?
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359. What are you...?
What, are you a pirate?
Copy !req
360. I can't tell if you're
doing a thing now,
Copy !req
361. or if this is just
who you've become.
Copy !req
362. I'm giving them
Copy !req
363. an authentic Irish experience,
Copy !req
364. like you were begging for
before...
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365. You're giving them a
completely inauthentic,
Copy !req
366. frightening experience,
and you're scaring them.
Copy !req
367. Okay, listen, ladies,
nobody's gonna get hurt.
Copy !req
368. Will you just let us out,
please?
Copy !req
369. Well, no.
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370. No, I'm not gonna let you out.
Copy !req
371. I need you to
experience everything
Copy !req
372. i-i have to offer,
okay, so you're...
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373. Rahr!
So, experience... Dee!
Copy !req
374. Shut up!
Copy !req
375. All right, look, we're gonna
have a good time here, okay?
Copy !req
376. You're experiencing some
free beers right now
Copy !req
377. because I can't get the
goddamn Internet to work.
Copy !req
378. That's a problem for me.
Do you guys know how to use
Copy !req
379. tablet computers?
You're young.
No.
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380. I just want to connect the
goddamn thing to the Internet.
Copy !req
381. They told me it'd be easy.
It's not, though.
Copy !req
382. Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what.
Copy !req
383. I'll let you out after I take
a couple photographs of you.
Copy !req
384. How's that sound? Yeah?
Take some photographs
Copy !req
385. for my... for my web site?
So, look happy.
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386. Look like you're having fun.
No need to cover those up.
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387. My customers like those.
They're like me.
Copy !req
388. They're gonna want to see that.
Copy !req
389. Yeah, okay, so smiling,
smiling, and...
Copy !req
390. You're not convincing me.
Smile!
Copy !req
391. Goddamn!
Copy !req
392. This is not
supposed to be scary.
Copy !req
393. This is supposed to be an
authentic, fun time for you.
Copy !req
394. (Camera shutter clicking,
women crying)
Yeah, all right, well,
Copy !req
395. I need to buy it, okay?
Copy !req
396. I'm...
Please let us out.
Copy !req
397. I don't want to be on
your weird web site.
Shh.
Copy !req
398. Well, if you don't comply
with me, then you're
gonna end up
Copy !req
399. on the weird one, okay?
So, smile.
Copy !req
400. Ugh! All right.
Copy !req
401. You know what?
This isn't gonna work.
Copy !req
402. All right, come on, come on.
Copy !req
403. Let's go. Come on.
Copy !req
404. All right, out you go, ladies.
Out you go.
Copy !req
405. I know you didn't
threaten to call the cops,
Copy !req
406. but you would have...
I'm certain of it...
Copy !req
407. So I'm gonna need
your wallets and your phones.
Copy !req
408. Give 'em to the girl.
Copy !req
409. Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna
pop on your Twitter accounts,
Copy !req
410. just so you know. Write us some,
uh, enthusiastic reviews,
Copy !req
411. which you would have done,
as well,
Copy !req
412. had you experienced
our business properly,
Copy !req
413. but you decided to be...
Copy !req
414. All right, well...
Copy !req
415. Talk, bitch!
I'm blasting you! Come on!
Talk! Come on, leprechaun!
Copy !req
416. Come on, leprechaun,
admit it!
Where's the gold?
Copy !req
417. Aw, what's the point, dude?
There's no water pressure.
Copy !req
418. I feel like I'm
giving him a baby bath.
Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
419. Snake's not working either, man.
Copy !req
420. Well, that's
because the snake is dead.
Copy !req
421. Because you put it in a plastic
bag and it couldn't breathe.
Copy !req
422. All right, doesn't matter.
He probably killed it
Copy !req
423. with his leprechaun
magic, anyway.
Copy !req
424. I'm not a leprechaun,
you goddamn assholes!
Copy !req
425. Yeah, yeah, guy.
How are we gonna get
his pot of gold
Copy !req
426. if he won't even admit to us
that he's a leprechaun?
Copy !req
427. I mean, if this guy would
just admit he was a leprechaun,
Copy !req
428. we could be done
with this whole mess.
Well, yeah.
Copy !req
429. Of course.
Okay, fine, you got me.
Copy !req
430. I'm a leprechaun.
I admit it.
Copy !req
431. What?
Copy !req
432. God... I am a... I'm a...
Copy !req
433. Damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.
Copy !req
434. Yeah, right, but you
don't have the accent,
that's...
Copy !req
435. And that's throwing
me off, right?
It's throwing me off.
Copy !req
436. I live in a faraway land,
Copy !req
437. and I was transported here
by a giant magical rainbow.
Copy !req
438. And you never got me
lucky charms.
Copy !req
439. Oh!
That's it! That's it!
Copy !req
440. You were right! Dude!
You caught a leprechaun!
I told you, man! I knew it!
Copy !req
441. Hey, can you let me go now?
Copy !req
442. No, you can't go. You know...
No. No.
Copy !req
443. We need your pot of gold.
Where is it?
Yeah.
Copy !req
444. It's at the bottom
of the rainbow.
Copy !req
445. Hmm.
Must be some sort
of leprechaun riddle,
Copy !req
446. 'cause there's no
rainbows out today.
Copy !req
447. No, dude... I don't think
this guy's talking in metaphors.
Copy !req
448. I think he means
exactly what he's saying.
Yeah?
Copy !req
449. Dude, he's talking
about that gay bar
Copy !req
450. down on locust street...
The rainbow.
Copy !req
451. You know which one
I'm talking about, right?
No.
Copy !req
452. Right. I'm gonna go
check it out, alone.
Copy !req
453. Why?
Copy !req
454. Well, because you'll be here.
Copy !req
455. And if, uh, the gang comes back,
Copy !req
456. they'll also be here,
and I'll be there, alone.
Copy !req
457. Right.
Copy !req
458. But you'll be here.
Copy !req
459. Great.
Great.
Copy !req
460. All right, you go do that,
okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
461. And, uh, remember, you're there
to look for a pot of gold.
Copy !req
462. Okay. Alone.
Copy !req
463. Yeah. You'll be there, alone.
Copy !req
464. Okay!
Got it.
Copy !req
465. All right, well, that
just leaves you and me, and, uh,
Copy !req
466. we both know there's no pot
of gold at that gay bar.
Copy !req
467. So the question is...
Copy !req
468. What to do with the little liar.
Copy !req
469. We haven't made
a goddamn penny today.
Copy !req
470. We actually lost money,
Copy !req
471. with all the gas we burned
going back and forth.
Copy !req
472. Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
The business model's flawless.
Copy !req
473. If you knew how to drive
and you knew how to serve
Copy !req
474. a goddamn beer, we wouldn't
be in this mess.
Copy !req
475. Hmm.
Copy !req
476. All right.
Mmm.
Copy !req
477. Okay, everybody out.
Get out. Let's go. Come on.
Copy !req
478. Go, go, go, go, go. You guys
are in the wrong demographic.
Copy !req
479. Where have you taken us?
Copy !req
480. Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,
Copy !req
481. we got so used to our routine of
picking people up and dropping
Copy !req
482. 'em off outside of town
that we never even tried
Copy !req
483. to sell you people beer,
did we?
They're too old, anyway.
Copy !req
484. Who's gonna watch
'em on a web site?
That's true.
Copy !req
485. Yeah, you guys are
a little too old for our, uh...
Copy !req
486. So...
Wallets and phones.
You know the drill.
Copy !req
487. I don't know why we don't
just do the car service thing.
Copy !req
488. People seem to be really needing
rides all over the town.
Copy !req
489. No, you know,
that idea may work.
You think so?
Copy !req
490. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Copy !req
491. Oh. B-but before we
pivot to that one,
Copy !req
492. um, Deandra,
you mind, uh, jumpin' out
Copy !req
493. to see about the gas cap?
I think I left it off.
Copy !req
494. Yeah.
Oop.
Copy !req
495. Oh! Hey!
Copy !req
496. Oh, goddamn!
Copy !req
497. Goddamn it...!
Copy !req
498. What you did there, frank,
that was... very funny.
Yeah. That bitch
Copy !req
499. was dragging us down.
Yeah.
Copy !req
500. She was
driving me crazy, man.
Oh.
Copy !req
501. Oh... shit.
What?
Copy !req
502. She didn't put the gas cap on.
Copy !req
503. Oh, is it open for real?
Big-time.
Copy !req
504. Oh, shit. Yeah, let me
grab that real quick.
Copy !req
505. I got it.
Copy !req
506. No, no, no, no, n...
Aw, goddamn!
Copy !req
507. I can't believe uber
Jacks up their prices
just because it's a holiday.
Copy !req
508. That's unbelie... it's a scam.
Copy !req
509. We should have been doing
that the entire time.
Copy !req
510. Are you kidding me?
That was my whole idea.
Copy !req
511. Dee, stop trying to take
credit for everything. Wait,
Copy !req
512. what is going on in here?
Weren't Mac and Charlie
Copy !req
513. taking care of the bar?
Yeah, they were.
Copy !req
514. Why is the bar empty?
It ain't empty.
Copy !req
515. What are you doing back here,
you piece of shit?
Copy !req
516. It's a long story.
The business hit a wall,
Copy !req
517. went up in smoke,
and then went under.
Copy !req
518. Why are you speaking
in metaphors?
Copy !req
519. It ain't a metaphor.
I fell asleep,
Copy !req
520. crashed into a wall,
the engine burst into flames,
Copy !req
521. and I had to drive it
into a river.
Right.
Copy !req
522. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
523. well, you may be a man.
Copy !req
524. You may be a leprechaun.
Copy !req
525. But only one thing's for sure:
Copy !req
526. You're in the wrong basement.
Copy !req
527. Goddamn it! No!
Copy !req
528. I'm gonna see if
you bleed green.
No! No! No, no, no!
Copy !req
529. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie,
Charlie, what the hell is...
Whoa, whoa. Hey!
Copy !req
530. What are you doing?
Copy !req
531. What does it look
like I'm doing?
Copy !req
532. It looks like you've tied
a little person to a chair
Copy !req
533. and you're gonna torture him.
Copy !req
534. No, I've tied
a leprechaun to a chair,
Copy !req
535. and, uh, yeah,
i was gonna cut him to pieces.
Copy !req
536. Charlie...
Copy !req
537. You been drinking
straight paint?
Copy !req
538. Yeah.
Copy !req
539. Charlie, he's
not a leprechaun!
Copy !req
540. Do not hurt him!
I repeat:
Copy !req
541. He is not a leprechaun!
Oh, hey.
Copy !req
542. What is this?
Why are you covered in glitter?
Copy !req
543. I would love to answer
all of your questions,
Copy !req
544. but there is no time.
Copy !req
545. You see, I went to the rainbow
to look for a pot of gold.
Copy !req
546. The gay bar?
Oh.
Copy !req
547. Again, no questions.
Copy !req
548. And when I got back,
Copy !req
549. I found this bag...
Full of wallets,
Copy !req
550. hidden where we keep the towels.
Copy !req
551. Why did you need towels?
Copy !req
552. Not answering questions, okay?
Copy !req
553. Because apparently this son
of a bitch is a pickpocket.
Copy !req
554. That's why he's been
lurking around paddy's.
Copy !req
555. Oh! Well, that makes a lot
of sense, 'cause he kept saying,
Copy !req
556. like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm
a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.
Copy !req
557. I'm not a leprechaun." And
i just thought that was, like,
Copy !req
558. a metaphor for, you know,
"i-i am a leprechaun."
Copy !req
559. This little son of a bitch
has been picking pockets
Copy !req
560. at our bar
every St. paddy's day
Copy !req
561. for years.
Well, we got a whole bag
Copy !req
562. full of wallets and phones, too.
Copy !req
563. You did? That's good. Because
the bar did not do so great.
Yeah.
Copy !req
564. Turns out the Irish honor
system, that's not a thing.
Copy !req
565. Yeah, we were gonna
actually return the wallets
Copy !req
566. that we got, but, uh, yeah.
Copy !req
567. Since no one seems to be...
Copy !req
568. Being honorable, uh,
maybe we keep our wallets
Copy !req
569. and those and, you know, yeah.
Copy !req
570. Chalk it up as a win. Yeah.
Oh, the luck of the Irish.
Copy !req
571. Let's not make it
a tradition, though.
Copy !req
572. Sure.
Yeah, probably better
not to.
Copy !req
573. All right, well, what do we do
with this piece of shit?
Copy !req
574. Oh, shit, that leprechaun
just flew up a rainbow!
Copy !req
575. Stop drinking paint, Charlie.
Copy !req
576. Huh.
Copy !req
577. Brown.
Copy !req
578. Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
Copy !req
579. Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Copy !req
580. On fxx.
Copy !req
581. It's a kitty cat.
Copy !req
582. Baskets. All new,
Thursdays at 10:00.
Copy !req
583. Only on fx.
Copy !req
584. An fx original series.
Copy !req
585. The people v. O.J. Simpson.
Copy !req
586. All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.
Copy !req
587. This spring...
Copy !req
588. How awesome is it
to be back doing
what we're best at?
Copy !req
589. Archer!
Copy !req
590. - Aaah!
- Mmm.
Copy !req
591. Why the hell are you naked?
Copy !req
592. It's after labor day.
Copy !req
593. Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.
Copy !req
594. Boop. Sorry.
Had to take that.
Copy !req
595. Archer.
Copy !req
596. Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades?
Copy !req
597. 'Cause they're
terrible people.
Whoo-hoo!
Copy !req
598. The all new season
starts Thursday, march 31.
Copy !req
599. Only on fx.
Copy !req