1. A tragic ferry accident
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2. today— apparently a ferry
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3. rammed into the shoreline at
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4. full speed near a local power
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5. plant there.
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6. There are multiple fatalities
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7. and injuries reported at this
hour.
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8. That's really
depressing, and how do you lose
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9. control of a ferry?
They're slow as shit.
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10. Guy must've been drunk.
Yeah.
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11. Hey-yo! Check out my
new threads.
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12. Picked them up at the airport.
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13. What were you doing
at the airport?
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14. I don't know, just farting
around.
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15. I found this shop full of this
stuff.
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16. Look at that!
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17. I got some for everybody.
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18. "Life is happy"?
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19. What the hell is that?
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20. Well, it's-it's clothing that
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21. supports a positive message.
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22. I mean, you wear it and you
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23. celebrate that life is happy,
baby.
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24. In other news, a man is in
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25. custody for murder of a state
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26. witness who was brutally
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27. beheaded by an assailant
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28. wielding a stop sign.
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29. A man seeking justice is
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30. beheaded by a maniac with a stop
sign.
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31. You're right, Frank, life is
happy.
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32. The suspect in custody is a
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33. 59-year-old repeat felon by the
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34. name of Luther MacDonald.
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35. Holy shit— that's my dad!
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36. If convicted, MacDonald could
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37. face the death penalty.
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38. Can you believe what they're
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39. saying about my dad having
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40. killed that guy?
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41. Yeah.
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42. Yeah, why-why
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43. wouldn't I believe that?
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44. No way.
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45. This has got to be bullshit.
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46. He's innocent, and I'm not gonna
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47. let the State kill him.
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48. I'm gonna save my dad's life.
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49. Thanks for coming with me,
man.
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50. Well, you're forcing me to.
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51. Yeah, well...
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52. So I'm here.
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53. Of course, of course.
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54. We got to show support for my
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55. dad, right?
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56. We got to let him know that we
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57. know he didn't do it.
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58. I know, but I believe that he
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59. did, so...
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60. Well, are you gonna be cool?
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61. I'll be cool, you know, as
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62. long as he doesn't ask us to
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63. shove heroin up our ass again,
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64. I'll-I'll be cool.
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65. He might and I might do it.
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66. Well, you would enjoy it more
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67. than I would.
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68. Uh, here he comes.
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69. Oh, here he comes.
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70. Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh?
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71. Dad! Da-Dad! Hey! How are you?
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72. It's been so long! Look!
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73. I-I brought a picture of Mom
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74. here just to make you feel more
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75. at home.
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76. She looks good, right?
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77. And, uh, me— what about me?
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78. How do I look? Do I look cool?
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79. Give it a rest.
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80. Do I look cool?
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81. What do you want?
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82. Uh, we-we just wanted to come
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83. by and tell you that we believe
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84. that there is no way that you
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85. did this.
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86. You didn't do it, right, Dad?
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87. No.
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88. Right. I knew it! I knew it!
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89. Another innocent man being
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90. railroaded by the system!
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91. Besides, there's no way that you
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92. could've done this.
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93. You have a bad shoulder and
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94. that's why you could never have
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95. a catch with me, remember?
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96. Right.
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97. Yeah, yeah.
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98. Well, Charlie and I just want to
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99. let you know that we will not
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100. rest until you are proven
innocent.
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101. Look, I got a lawyer
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102. appointed to me.
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103. It'll be fine.
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104. No, uh, uh, sorry, uh, Mr.
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105. Mac, uh, you really don't want
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106. to put your life in the hands of
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107. a public defender.
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108. I mean, those guys are absolute
clowns.
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109. I tell you what— I'd be
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110. interested to take a look at
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111. your case, you know, if-if you
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112. want a little outside help.
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113. I specialize in bird law mostly,
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114. but I know my way...
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115. Stay out of this!
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116. Both of you!
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117. I do not want you stirring
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118. things up!
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119. You hear me?
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120. Yeah, I-I-I-I-I hear you,
Dad.
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121. Um, one last thing, though.
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122. I love you and I...
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123. Oh, I love you!
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124. I love you, Dad!
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125. I love you!
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126. He can't hear me because of
this...
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127. Uh, he definitely heard you.
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128. And the glass is too thick.
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129. I think there's something...
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130. something wrong with that.
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131. Yeah.
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132. Uh, all right.
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133. We're now being told the
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134. ferry captain was intentionally
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135. trying to steer the ferry into
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136. the nearby power plant.
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137. The captain has tested negative
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138. for alcohol and drugs.
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139. The guy wasn't even drunk!
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140. This was a sober man purposely
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141. steering a ship into a power
plant.
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142. Oh, God, the world is a very
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143. depressing place.
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144. You guys are depressing.
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145. I'm trying to enjoy my cone
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146. over here.
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147. Turn that crap off!
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148. Yeah, baby!
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149. There they are! The usual
suspects!
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150. Pondy! Just the man I want to
see!
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151. Now, this man loves life!
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152. I'd love to get into some
shots.
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153. Line them up, Frankie!
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154. Line them up!
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155. Now we got some positive
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156. vibes in here.
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157. You are his AA sponsor,
right?
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158. Never change, Dee.
I love it! Come on!
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159. Do a shot with me.
Come on— shot, shot, shot!
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160. I gotta say I feel like a
shot might make me feel better.
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161. I think I need to do a shot
at this point.
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162. All right, to the brim.
Let's go, Frank, all right.
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163. Yeah, you're looking pretty
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164. dapper there, Bill— you hittin'
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165. it hard, or what?
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166. I'm celebrating today, baby.
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167. What's the special occasion?
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168. I'm gonna kill myself.
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169. What?
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170. Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna drink
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171. myself to death.
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172. Yeah, I botched it.
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173. Life, you know?
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174. Old B.P. had a good run, though,
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175. you know?
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176. It's like there's this tiny
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177. little soul man in my body
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178. driving me around.
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179. That little soul man's ready to
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180. power old Bill down and move on
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181. to the next party monster.
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182. Aw, come on, you guys own a bar,
right?
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183. You watch people slowly kill
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184. themselves every day, am I
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185. right?
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186. Keep it open.
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187. Charlie, this is a huge waste
of time.
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188. No, no, no, no, this is
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189. standard procedure.
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190. They do this on every crime
show.
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191. You know, the murder police come
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192. down to the scene of the crime
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193. and they find some blue-collar
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194. guy and they talk to him while
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195. he's working.
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196. Let's just talk to this guy over
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197. here— he could know something,
right?
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198. Why would he know anything?
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199. He's moving crates from one
place to...
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200. Will you just listen to me?
All right?
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201. Excuse me, sir, uh, do you work
here?
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202. Yeah.
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203. Please, don't stop your work.
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204. They never do on TV.
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205. Go ahead and place that bag
down.
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206. Uh, now, are you familiar with
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207. the beheading that took place
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208. here last week?
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209. Are you a cop?
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210. No. But, uh, I do work on the
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211. behalf of the accused.
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212. I'm taking care of his interests
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213. and whatnot.
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214. This is his son, uh, Ronald.
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215. You're Luther's kid?
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216. Yeah. That's right, bozo.
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217. And I'm willing to do whatever
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218. it takes to make sure he doesn't
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219. get the death penalty, all
right?
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220. Is that a threat?
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221. Why don't you tell us what
you saw.
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222. I didn't see either of those
guys, okay?
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223. There was more than one guy?
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224. I said too much.
I don't want any trouble, okay?
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225. Well, then stop giving us
trouble, and tell us if there
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226. was another guy.
My lips are sealed, guys.
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227. Then unseal them, or I'll
unseal them for you!
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228. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell
are you doing?
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229. You can't threaten this guy.
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230. Threaten? I wasn't threatening
him.
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231. How do you not know what a
threat sounds like?
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232. Oh, you mean the "lips"
thing?
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233. Yes, the "lips" thing.
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234. Charlie, he's got words in
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235. his lips— I needed to get them
out.
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236. I know the words are in his
lips— I saw them in there.
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237. Just let me... you know, let me
coax them out.
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238. Otherwise, you're gonna freak
the guy out, all right?
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239. Just let me handle it, okay?
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240. Sir, your lips are fine. I...
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241. Great.
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242. That happens to us way too much.
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243. Yeah.
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244. I mean, I don't really care
that much about Bill, I just
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245. don't want him dying in the bar.
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246. We've had too many deaths in
there already.
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247. We should probably try not to
have another one.
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248. We got to show Pondy life is
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249. worth living.
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250. Right. I'm not real excited
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251. about Maureen being a part of
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252. this, but yeah, we'll do it.
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253. Ah.
W...
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254. Hello, Dennis.
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255. Oh, God. Maureen, what's
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256. going on with your face?
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257. What have you done?
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258. I've had a few surgical
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259. procedures to enhance my natural
beauty.
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260. You look like a cat.
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261. Yes, exactly.
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262. Cats are beautiful.
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263. Where are your breasts?
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264. Oh, they're in my face.
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265. Great. Um, I don't really
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266. have time for this shit, so,
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267. have you gathered Bill's family
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268. for us?
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269. Me-yes.
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270. You kids remember Uncle
Dennis?
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271. He came to talk to us about
something important.
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272. Go ahead, baby.
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273. Yeah. Uh... >> Are you two
getting back together?
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274. Oh, no.
I think so.
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275. Uh, no, never.
Uh, uh, okay.
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276. Um, listen, you guys, your dad—
he needs your help right now.
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277. He's in a pretty tough spot.
I don't call him "Dad."
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278. I call him Mr. ... Sucker,
'cause he sucks so many ...
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279. Weird.
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280. Uh, I'm not going to call him
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281. that, okay?
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282. I'll just refer to him as
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283. "Bill," I guess from now...
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284. Yeah.
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285. Okay, so, listen, here's the
thing.
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286. He is at our bar right now
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287. drinking himself to death.
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288. Oh, that's fantastic.
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289. What? No, that's not
fantastic.
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290. The man's trying to kill
himself.
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291. If he dies, we get money.
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292. When I get my money, I want
to buy a new cell phone.
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293. I'm gonna a gun, because I'm
the man of the house.
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294. Oh, shit, no.
This kid should not have a...
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295. No.
No, no. Please.
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296. We're trying to show Bill that
life is worth living.
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297. Your dad loves you.
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298. No, he doesn't.
Oh.
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299. Yeah.
Has he not said it? Because
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300. I'm telling you, he just...
He does.
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301. No. He told me. He said, "I
do not love you. You're a punk."
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302. He called me too fat to be a
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303. slut, and tried to serve me an
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304. omelet with cocaine in it.
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305. Listen, guys, this is about
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306. forgiving Bill, your dad, okay?
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307. It's not about blaming him.
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308. No.
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309. Oh, I blame you, too.
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310. You and the other hookers he
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311. slept with.
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312. Hold on a second. I'm not...
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313. I'm not a hooker.
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314. I never have been.
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315. Nah.
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316. You're a hooker.
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317. You're a fat slut!
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318. Oh, oh. Oh, okay, all...
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319. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
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320. And you... you ruined his
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321. sister with the divorce, and
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322. look at her face.
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323. She looks like a cat.
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324. Cats are magical.
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325. I kind of like...
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326. I mean, maybe you could get some
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327. fur. Yeah.
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328. Oh, I like that idea.
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329. What are you talking? No!
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330. Do you think you could do a
tail?
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331. I don't see why I couldn't do
a tail.
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332. Don't-don't... No.
Yeah. You could go full cat
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333. and start wearing humans on your
sweatshirt.
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334. No one is turning themselves
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335. into a goddamn cat with my
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336. money! Can we focus here?
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337. Let-Let's... let's get back to
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338. showing Bill that life is happy.
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339. Bill's a lying, cheating,
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340. drug-addict piece of garbage,
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341. and we all hope he dies.
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342. Yeah.
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343. Hey, Dad, hey, um, so, I-I
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344. know you told us to stay out of
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345. it, but, but we found out that
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346. there was another guy.
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347. Also, we got a stop sign and
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348. recreated the murder, and there
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349. was no way that you could have
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350. swung that.
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351. Actually, I kind of jacked my
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352. shoulder up a little bit, too.
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353. Do you realize what you've
done?
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354. No. Yeah. No. I told him, Mr.
Mac.
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355. I said, "Hey, stealing a stop
sign— that's a felony," and as
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356. your counsel, I did advise
against it.
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357. I'm talking about you going
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358. to the crime scene.
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359. Word's out my son is
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360. intimidating witnesses.
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361. Now, that makes me look like I'm
guilty.
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362. Oh.
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363. Oh, yeah.
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364. Your dad'd be a good lawyer.
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365. His idea.
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366. But, look, the point is, we
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367. found out that this other guy
exists.
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368. All we need to do is get his
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369. name, and then I can rat on him.
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370. Do not be a rat!
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371. Stop... trying... to handle it,
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372. or I... am going to have to
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373. handle you, okay?
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374. Okay, Daddy.
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375. Oh.
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376. I love you, Dad.
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377. Oh, let it go. Let it go.
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378. Oh... it's just I thought
maybe...
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379. Yeah.
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380. It's not broken.
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381. No. Yeah, it's working fine,
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382. isn't it?
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383. No, it works.
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384. He seemed a little... he seemed
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385. a little upset.
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386. All right... plan "B" here.
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387. I got an idea.
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388. Why don't we check the guest
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389. record, right, because maybe
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390. that guy came to visit my dad?
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391. Oh, the other guy signed in?
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392. Yes.
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393. And, uh, that's a good point.
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394. Luther MacDonald visited
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395. by... Bonnie Kelly?
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396. Holy shit!
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397. Well, that's the same name as
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398. my mom.
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399. It is your mom.
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400. Nah. I'm sure there's plenty
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401. of Bonnie Kellys.
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402. You know, they probably all sign
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403. their name with those weird,
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404. squiggly lines, and...
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405. Cursive? Are-are you talking
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406. about cursive, dude?
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407. Uh... cursing?
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408. Cursive. Everybody can
under...
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409. Okay, look, doesn't matter.
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410. We have to figure out why she
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411. came to visit my dad.
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412. And why is she signing my
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413. mom's name?
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414. Goddamn it, goddamn it.
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415. Hey!
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416. Bill, we want to talk to you.
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417. Hey, you guys see this?
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418. It was another ferry that ran
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419. into the power plant.
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420. Copycat crime.
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421. Hilarious, right?
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422. No!
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423. No. There are black and white
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424. areas in life, Bill, and that's
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425. a... that's a black area.
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426. Uh, look, turn it off.
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427. We want to focus on the positive
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428. in life now, Pondy.
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429. Yeah, yeah, which is why
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430. we're all wearing these
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431. ill-fitting T-shirts.
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432. Yeah.
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433. Right.
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434. Okay, we want to show you
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435. some reasons why life is worth
living.
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436. Yeah.
And, Dennis, you're up.
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437. Okay, so, uh, I like a good
mani-pedi.
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438. Uh.
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439. Yeah, I like... I like a
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440. good, healthy nail. I love one.
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441. You know, you get your... you
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442. get your nail beds clean, you
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443. get your cuticles pushed back,
right?
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444. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's great.
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445. You get your hangnails all
trimmed up... by one of those
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446. nice ladies over there.
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447. You know, a lot of those are
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448. sex workers.
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449. Yeah, the gals at the nail salon
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450. there— yeah, they're
prostitutes.
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451. They're trafficked in.
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452. Usually in shipping containers.
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453. I mean, they're, like, crammed
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454. in there, you know, like-like
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455. sardines, shipped with sardines
sometimes.
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456. Oh.
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457. It's ugly, but the point is,
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458. those ladies doing your nails
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459. probably tugged a guy off right
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460. before you.
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461. They ship 'em in in shipping
containers?
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462. That's depressing as hell.
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463. Uh, uh...
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464. Goddamn!
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465. All right, Dee?
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466. Me?
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467. You, you're up, yeah. Yeah.
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468. Yeah. Hey, Bill, you know,
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469. for me, uh, really it's just the
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470. simple things that I like in my
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471. life, like a moonlight walk or
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472. a-a cozy, warm nap.
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473. Or a delicious, ripe piece of
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474. fruit, you know?
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475. Oh.
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476. Mmm.
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477. The, uh, sex workers use
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478. fruit during the act.
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479. What?
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480. Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus
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481. masks the taste of a dirty
penis.
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482. In fact, 95% of fruit has
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483. usually been in someone's
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484. orifice before it even reaches
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485. the market.
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486. Okay. Okay, I'm done.
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487. He's ruined fruit for me, so I'm
done.
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488. You've made fruit depressing.
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489. All right, well, I got this.
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490. Okay, all right, what makes me
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491. happy is, like, you know, at
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492. night, a ride around town in a
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493. limousine, partying, having a
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494. good time.
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495. When I'm on my way home, I'll
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496. pass a bum.
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497. I take a balloon with some
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498. champagne in it, lob it out and
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499. bean him.
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500. He only gets a little bit in his
mouth.
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501. He doesn't get the whole thing.
Right.
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502. Not even a full sip of it.
And you say, "Hey, how do you
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503. like a taste of the good life,
you sack of shit?"
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504. Hey, that's a...
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505. God, that is awful!
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506. That is a horrible thing to do
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507. to another human being!
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508. Goddamn you!
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509. Hey, get over here, Frank.
Get over here.
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510. Well...
Okay, that's it, I'm done.
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511. All right, this is depressing
as shit.
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512. I'm not doing this anymore.
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513. In fact, I'm starting to think
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514. that his family was right.
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515. You guys, what if we took out a
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516. life insurance policy on the
guy?
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517. I mean, if he's gonna do it
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518. anyway, we might as well make a
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519. little money off of it.
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520. Hmm, that's dark.
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521. Yeah, I know.
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522. But can you take a life
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523. insurance policy out on anybody?
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524. Does it work that way?
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525. Mm, it's a gray area, but I
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526. think I got a guy, I could twist
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527. his arm, we could get one.
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528. Okay, I say we embrace the
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529. gray area of life, okay, because
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530. what we're doing is not working.
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531. What, the State can murder
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532. somebody without them even
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533. wanting to die but a grown man
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534. can't kill himself if he wants
to?
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535. A man should be able to end
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536. his life if he wants...
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537. He's a grown American man.
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538. We're American.
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539. Aw, to hell with him.
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540. We tried. I give up.
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541. Great, Frank.
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542. Glad you're on our side.
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543. You're a terrible sponsor, by
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544. the way.
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545. Yeah.
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546. Okay, so why were you
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547. visiting Luther, Mom?
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548. I went to go...
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549. She don't know nothin' about
nothin'.
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550. Look, we know there was
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551. another guy in on this, all
right?
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552. So, come on, anything you can
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553. give us.
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554. He was staying here for a few
months.
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555. He was here for a few months?
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556. Mom, why wouldn't you tell me
that?
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557. Mm.
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558. Okay, well-well, was he here
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559. on the night of the murder?
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560. Uh, no.
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561. Mom, don't lie, okay?
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562. Okay, yes.
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563. Quiet, Bonnie.
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564. No, no.
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565. Mom, if you know something,
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566. you got to tell me.
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567. I can't lie to my Charlie.
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568. Good! Tell me everything.
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569. Okay. They were both here.
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570. They were both inside me.
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571. Eduardo was in my mouth, and
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572. Luther was in my butt.
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573. Oh, my God, no, don't tell me
everything.
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574. What? No! What?
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575. Damn it, Bonnie.
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576. Eduardo who?
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577. Sanchez.
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578. Holy shit. Tell us more.
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579. Then Luther went in Eduardo's
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580. butt for a while.
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581. Tell us less. Tell us less.
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582. Then they both "completed" on
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583. each other.
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584. I-I was left out of the finale.
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585. And then Eduardo went out and
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586. then he killed somebody and
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587. then... th... Well, that's all I
know.
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588. Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom.
If you know that, just say that.
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589. Don't tell me the whole thing
about banging every single guy
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590. that comes in the house.
If you just know about-about the
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591. murder, just say the murder
part! Oh, my God!
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592. Oh, my God, this is crazy.
You guys know what this means?
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593. That my father was trying to
establish dominance, and that's
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594. the only reason he was in his
butt or...
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595. What are you tal... Why are
you focused on that?
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596. Well, it's about power.
We have our guy now.
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597. I feel like we should make
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598. that known, that it's
about power, okay?
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599. Let's not make any of it
known.
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600. We got to go to the police.
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601. Don't be a rat.
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602. All right, look, Mrs. Mac,
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603. we're not gonna rat, all right?
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604. We're gonna figure something
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605. else out.
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606. Good?
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607. Mm.
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608. Okay, you're off words again.
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609. Great. Uh, and, Mom, don't bang
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610. every guy that comes into the
house.
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611. How 'bout that?
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612. Okay, I won't, sweetie.
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613. Okay.
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614. It is my gift to you. >> This
is... this is great. Thank you.
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615. Guys, guys, guys, we've had a
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616. major break in my dad's case.
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617. What's Ponderosa doing here?
Oh, he's, uh, gonna drink
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618. himself to death, so we took out
a life insurance policy on him.
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619. Oh, cool, yeah.
Pretty dark, though, right?
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620. We've been over this.
We've justified this already.
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621. Don't worry about it. We're
okay with it. >> Fair enough.
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622. Uh, turns out that Mac's dad
didn't kill the guy.
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623. No, there was another man in on
this.
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624. Yeah, it's gonna look really
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625. bad if I rat on this man Eduardo
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626. Sanchez, so I can't say his
name.
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627. Uh... >> You just did.
You just ratted him out.
Copy !req
628. You said his name.
By the way, another guy being
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629. there doesn't mean that your dad
didn't do it.
Copy !req
630. He might've done it with the
other guy.
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631. Oh, no, uh, my dad
Copy !req
632. established dominance over this
man.
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633. All right, well, let's not...
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634. Oh, what-what does that mean?
What's this?
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635. Uh, there's some weird prison
sex going on.
Copy !req
636. He may or may not have been a
power bottom.
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637. The bottom line is he talked
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638. his lover into doing the murder
for him.
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639. Not his lover, his prison
bitch.
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640. Hey, what if I confess? Hmm?
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641. What?
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642. Yeah, I could take my own
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643. life while saving your dad's.
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644. Everybody wins.
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645. Well, yeah, except everyone
Copy !req
646. would think that you decapitated
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647. a man with a stop sign.
Copy !req
648. Ooh, even better.
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649. Oh, that'll really embarrass the
wife.
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650. Okay, I like where this is
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651. going, but I got to bring
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652. something up here.
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653. Um, if you were to do that— and
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654. I don't want to be crass or, you
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655. know— but how would that
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656. affect, uh, the...
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657. Oh, we still get the money.
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658. Yeah?
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659. I bought the most expensive
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660. policy I could.
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661. Great.
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662. Let's go confess, baby!
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663. Yeah.
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664. I can't... I'm sorry.
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665. I just... I don't get how it's
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666. dominant if they finished on
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667. each other.
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668. How is that dominant?
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669. It's dominant because he
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670. finished first.
Copy !req
671. Then he allowed Eduardo to
finish.
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672. No, you're making that up.
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673. You don't know that.
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674. Oh, oh, there's Bill.
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675. Oh, hey.
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676. Well, I did it. I confessed.
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677. Why aren't you in handcuffs
then?
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678. Weirdest thing, I'm sitting
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679. in the interrogation room, you
Copy !req
680. know, sobering up a little bit,
Copy !req
681. looking at myself in the two-way
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682. mirror and I kept reading this
shirt.
Copy !req
683. Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking,
Copy !req
684. "You know what, life is happy.
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685. I want to live!"
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686. Well, then what did you
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687. confess about?
Copy !req
688. Eduardo Sanchez.
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689. That guy you were talking about?
Copy !req
690. Turns out he's some big gang
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691. member that they've been after
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692. for years.
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693. Yeah, your dad's innocent.
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694. Holy shit, my dad's gonna get
off.
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695. That means I'm a hero!
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696. I did it!
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697. Dad, Dad, we did it.
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698. We did it.
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699. Yeah, we did it!
Copy !req
700. They're gonna nail this Eduardo
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701. Sanchez guy and you're gonna
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702. walk free.
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703. I saved you.
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704. Saved me?
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705. Yeah.
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706. You buried me.
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707. Now everyone in here thinks I'm
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708. a rat.
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709. They're gonna kill me in here.
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710. Because of you.
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711. I'm-I'm sorry.
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712. I still love you.
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713. I don't.
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714. He definitely heard you.
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715. You know, he can... he can hear
you.
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716. He didn't mean that, though.
He was just upset.
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