It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 10x6

1. Turn this up. This is my jam right here.

2. Oh, yeah... Oh, shit! Did I just miss the turn?

3. Oh, yeah, dude. I think it was back there.

4. Aw, man! You better hurry up. We're gonna miss that boat!

5. Well, don't blame me.

6. It took Dee a goddamn hour to get dressed like a man.

7. Nah. Captain Barnacle.

8. It's a great new character I'm working on. Argh!

9. Give me another worm, Charlie.

10. All right, coming up.

11. You want rum or julep? That's a rum one...

12. I'll take the rum one.

13. You guys brought worms in here?

14. Well, we kind of soaked them

15. in alcohol and you suck the alcohol off of them.

16. Ah! I ate mine.

17. You're gonna ruin this! How often do boat parties come

18. around and with hot mainline women? This is a classy event.

19. It took me hours to get us invited to this.

20. Oh-oh! There's the boat.

21. Goddamn it! We missed it. Aw!

22. This is great! This is exactly

23. what I was worried about!

24. Great, guys. Way to go.

25. You know what? Screw it.

26. I'm going in.

27. What-what are you talking

28. talking about?

29. We're going in.

30. Not in the water?

31. Yes, we're going in the wa...

32. Look, guys, this car was built

33. for this, okay?

34. It's got air intake valves.

35. This is precision British land-

36. to-sea craftsmanship at work.

37. We're going in.

38. We're not missing that boat.

39. What have we become?

40. I mean, we have literally and

41. figuratively missed the boat.

42. I used to be a cool guy, right?

43. With a cool car hanging out all

44. the time.

45. And now I'm a... what am I?

46. I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of

47. worm-sucking idiots!

48. You? What about me?

49. I used to be a party boy who

50. banged chicks all the time.

51. You guys remember?

52. But no one was ever good enough

53. for you, dude.

54. So, I got self-conscious and

55. I stopped— because of you, I

56. changed who I am at my core!

57. Mac, Mac, that is not what

58. happened, okay?

59. You are completely delusional.

60. I mean, and by the way, all of

61. us have become so goddamn weird.

62. I think we're just hitting our stride.

63. Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank, really?

64. Yeah!

65. 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn

66. costume every other day.

67. As a matter of fact, we all are.

68. I think we have more costumes in

69. the bar than we do kegs.

70. I mean, what, what if I said I

71. wanted to become a man cheetah

72. right now, what would you do?

73. I'd go get the spots.

74. He's got spots!

75. Why do you have spots?

76. You shouldn't have spots.

77. That's absurd, man.

78. That's absurd. You know what?

79. I actually, I blame you for most of this.

80. Me?

81. Yeah, because you came in

82. here with your endless goddamn

83. supply of money and financed all

84. this bizarre behavior!

85. You were plenty weird before me.

86. What about the underage

87. drinking scheme?

88. I wasn't even here for that.

89. But that made sense, Frank.

90. It worked.

91. You know what? I got to get

92. away from you people.

93. That's what it is.

94. I-I-I-I fly off the handle every

95. five seconds now.

96. You know what?

97. I got to get away from you

98. people— you're all insane.

99. I'm storming out!

100. What? Don't copy me!

101. I'm the one who's angry. Goddamn it!

102. You don't storm out on me. I storm out on you.

103. I'm the one who storms out! I'm the one who... Oh, oh, oh!

104. Yeah, no, no. Okay. You know what? Yeah.

105. That's fine. Storm out. Get angry.

106. You guys be that guy 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore.

107. I'm not gonna get angry and shit.

108. I'm gonna cool off.

109. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before.

110. A cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car.

111. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave.

112. I'm gonna... leave casually.

113. You want to get lunch?

114. Sure.

115. Yeah?

116. When was the last time, like, just you and me went out to eat?

117. It's been a while, right? By ourselves?

118. Yeah. I don't even know.

119. It's nice to go to a diner, too, you know?

120. Like, I like diners. Yes.

121. I appreciate a menu with pictures.

122. It makes it easier. It's like sometimes those

123. guys make me do things that aren't really me, you know?

124. Yeah. Like, okay, like, I kind of

125. feel compelled to call you a bird right now and throw my

126. glass of water in your face. Right.

127. But, uh, you know, I'm realizing that I only do that

128. stuff 'cause I don't want the

129. guys to do it to me first, you

130. know what I mean?

131. Of course I do.

132. You know what I was about to do?

133. Pretend that I had to go to the

134. bathroom and then I was gonna

135. sneak out the window and just

136. get out of here 'cause I was

137. afraid you were gonna do that to

138. me first.

139. Oh, right, right, right.

140. Isn't that weird?

141. I was, though. Oh.

142. Yeah, yeah. But again, I

143. think it was... 'cause, like,

144. that's what the guys would've

145. done and...

146. It's the peer pressure thing

147. from those guys.

148. Right. Okay. Well, forget the

149. the guys today, right?

150. They're not here. So, um...

151. Yeah.

152. Like, what do you want to do?

153. Uh, let's see.

154. I'd like to order my food in a

155. German accent.

156. Right, right. Okay, cool.

157. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

158. Why?

159. I guess that's just... I put

160. all these expectations on myself

161. to be funny all the time.

162. You know? Because that's what

163. people have come to expect

164. from me.

165. But that's not fair.

166. It's too much pressure for me.

167. Yeah, right.

168. No, I don't think anyone

169. expects that at all.

170. Wait, what about you?

171. What do you want to do?

172. Okay, uh, well, I would like

173. to get a chicken sandwich, but,

174. uh, but I think I want to get

175. the beak on the side?

176. Mm.

177. Frank's always making me eat

178. it first and frankly I'd rather

179. it last if I'm gonna have to eat

180. it all...

181. Ooh, I can help you here.

182. Instead of eating it last, you

183. don't have to eat beak at all.

184. Oh!

185. Ready to order?

186. Ooh!

187. Yeah.

188. Ja, vell,

189. uh, I vould like ze...

190. I'm sorry.

191. I would like a chicken sandwich,

192. please.

193. Okay. And you?

194. Beak!

195. No!

196. No.

197. No.

198. Regular chicken sandwich.

199. That's it?

200. That's it for him.

201. Okay.

202. You did it! You did it.

203. God, I really wanted to

204. say it!

205. I saw that you wanted to say

206. it badly.

207. Yeah, all right, well, this

208. is good.

209. This is great. This...

210. I'm very proud of you.

211. This is very good. All right.

212. Look at us! Cheers!

213. Yeah.

214. No beak.

215. Bob, I want to thank you for

216. answering my ad so quickly.

217. Well, I really needed a car

218. and I always wanted a Range Rover.

219. Yeah, well...

220. Hey, I got to tell you, though.

221. This is not just a car.

222. This is a lifestyle.

223. This is an Eddie Bauer edition.

224. Tortoise-shell interior,

225. super-charged twin cam, European

226. luxury sports utility vehicle,

227. my friend.

228. Wow!

229. Yeah! It's a classic, okay?

230. The only reason I'm giving her

231. up is 'cause I'm ready

232. to turn a page.

233. Yeah.

234. I'm thinking about getting an

235. Alfa Romeo, what do you think?

236. Two seats— me and a babe.

237. You like babes, Bob?

238. Oh, yeah, sure!

239. Yeah! Who doesn't like babes?

240. Yeah, yeah. It's a wonderful machine.

241. I used it to traverse the plains

242. the Serengeti of my life.

243. Now, I want that for you, Bob.

244. There she is.

245. I'm sorry.

246. Are you talking about the car in

247. the river?

248. Yeah. Well, it's an

249. amphibious exploring vehicle, so...

250. You-you think you can pull it out of the river?

251. No, no! What fun would that be, right?

252. That's not my job. That's your job.

253. I don't want to take that from you.

254. You're gonna love it. Yeah, right, but I just, I

255. didn't bring a change of clothes or anything.

256. That's not really my fault, is it?

257. Yeah, I got to say, uh, your

258. line of questioning's starting to, it's starting to annoy me.

259. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I thought I

260. was gonna see a car on land. You being cute right now?

261. No. Is that what's happening?

262. I'm not being cute. And no sale! How about that?

263. 'Cause you don't deserve the car.

264. The car has spoken, I have spoken.

265. You obviously don't get what's

266. happening here.

267. So, be gone with you!

268. All right.

269. There's that anger coming up again.

270. I'm getting weird and arch.

271. But that's the gang's fault.

272. That-that's not me.

273. I'm fine, see? I'm...

274. I'm calm, man.

275. I'm cool as a cucumber.

276. It's all good. It's all good.

277. Talking to myself, but that's

278. just 'cause I, you know, I've

279. got shit to say, you know?

280. Hey!

281. Hey, I'm Mac, former party boy.

282. Looking to get back into the

283. party-boy scene.

284. You want me to milk your

285. adrenal gland?

286. You'll go berserk.

287. Heh? No?

288. That's all right.

289. Ugly anyway.

290. You're gonna find that ass to crush.

291. Forget it, Frank.

292. You're acting like it's 2006.

293. Hey, listen, the hell with Dennis.

294. Don't let him screw up a good

295. thing that we got.

296. Come on, we'll start our own crew.

297. Beat it, jabroni.

298. Hey, look at that.

299. What?

300. Oh, that?

301. Is that what you want?

302. I can get you all that you want.

303. Maybe I've been thinking

304. about this all wrong.

305. You know, man?

306. Maybe I've been lying to myself

307. all these years.

308. Maybe that's what I need.

309. Well, we've always known that.

310. Party boy coming your way.

311. Guys, we did it.

312. We did it.

313. Opened a bar.

314. Hey, gang.

315. Frank.

316. Oh, hello.

317. I just parted ways with my

318. old crew, and I'm looking for

319. a new one.

320. I'm a financier... of fun things

321. like schemes and pranks and such.

322. You got anything?

323. You interested?

324. What?

325. Uh, what are you celebrating?

326. Uh, we-we just bought a bar together.

327. You just bought a bar?

328. That is fantastic.

329. That's perfect.

330. Next round's on me.

331. Uh, thank you.

332. Awesome.

333. Cheers!

334. You know, Mac and Dennis aren't here— they're not gonna

335. ridicule us— we get to just pick whatever we want to do.

336. Well, you know I like making music.

337. Yeah, and I like listening to

338. it, but it hasn't really ever

339. gotten us anywhere in the past,

340. so, well, what about poetry?

341. I like poetry, but only if

342. it's def.

343. Def Poetry.

344. Yeah, like Def Poetry slams.

345. Those are awesome. Yeah.

346. I love that. What happened to that?

347. I don't know. Did people just stop thinking they were cool?

348. That's crazy. Black people don't do stuff that's not cool.

349. Yeah, so... He doesn't deserve the car,

350. and that's the plain and simple of it.

351. Are you crying? No, I wasn't...

352. It's humid outside, all right? That-that's why they're moist...

353. I don't have to explain myself to a worm-sucking idiot.

354. Dee, where's the computer?

355. I thought you were gonna try and control your rage.

356. This is irritation, okay?

357. There's a difference. And why are you irritated?

358. I'm irritated because I'm having trouble finding a proper

359. buyer for the Range Rover. I need to create a new ad to

360. attract an appropriate buyer, all right?

361. Not some asshole who's got a problem with the car

362. being in a river.

363. It's awesome that the car is in

364. a river.

365. I need someone who can see that.

366. Arrogance, vanity— all over.

367. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.

368. I'm sorry, what is this?

369. What are you doing?

370. Def Poetry.

371. Don't do that.

372. Makeup... smearin'.

373. No power steerin'.

374. He be talkin', but we don't

375. be hearin'.

376. I command you to stop.

377. Speaks like Zeus.

378. Smells like poops.

379. Rage all over from his head

380. down to his shoes.

381. Zeus, poops and shoes?

382. Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.

383. You know what?

384. Announcement— I have an

385. announcement to make, all right?

386. Thank you for gathering for me.

387. I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and

388. it's totally sweet.

389. You guys probably want me to

390. burn it, but I won't, all right?

391. Now, I like this choice.

392. I like the choices I've made.

393. I like who I am, all right?

394. But I realize I've been lying to

395. myself over the past few years.

396. And I'm done lying, okay?

397. And I found someone who's gonna

398. allow me to be me.

399. Okay, good.

400. Oh, good, all right, yeah.

401. Great. Finally. Yes.

402. Let's do this.

403. That all makes sense.

404. Let's get this over with.

405. We're ready.

406. Let's talk about this.

407. Yeah. Yes! Guys, I'd like you

408. to meet the love of my life, Dusty.

409. Come on in, Dusty.

410. Why did I have to wait in

411. the hall?

412. Oh, I was doing a thing for

413. my friends.

414. No, no, no, Dusty's a man.

415. Where is Dusty?

416. No, Dusty is a... woman.

417. Why would you think...?

418. Oh, because of the name.

419. No, no, she's called Dusty

420. because she's really into angel dust.

421. I am super into angel dust.

422. Does she have a dick?

423. Why would you think she has

424. a dick?

425. Come on, what-what was that

426. whole speech about, then?

427. Oh, well, the last few years,

428. I've been settling for fives,

429. you know, and I've been giving

430. you the tens, okay?

431. But then I realized, you know

432. what, I can be a ten guy, too.

433. I saw a ten, I went after a ten,

434. and I got a ten.

435. Let's go, Dusty.

436. We don't need these turkeys.

437. I'm gonna go slam ass.

438. I'm gonna go bang this chick.

439. What the hell is this?

440. Anger... bubbling like a pot.

441. Gettin' hot.

442. Gonna explode like a bomb

443. in a toad.

444. You mark my words.

445. If you decide to get into Def

446. Poetry, you are going to fail

447. and bomb and gag and fail and bomb.

448. It's... that's just... you know,

449. but I don't care, man.

450. That's cool.

451. Do whatever you want, man.

452. I-I'm a cool guy now, so... I'm

453. gonna grab this laptop, I'm

454. gonna go make a new ad for my

455. awesome Range Rover, which I'm

456. gonna sell, and then I'm gonna

457. get myself an Alfa Romeo.

458. You know?

459. Just me and a babe.

460. Just me and a babe.

461. So, you guys do whatever you want.

462. Do you like it?

463. Why would you say that?

464. I'm just kidding.

465. Guys, guys, guys, I got news.

466. I got terrible news.

467. Wait, dude, do I...?

468. Oh, oh, yeah. Hey.

469. You're the... you're that guy

470. from the other night.

471. I didn't... I didn't recognize

472. you without the hairpiece.

473. This is awful.

474. There's a Jew trying to buy us

475. out of everything.

476. You want to get him back?

477. What are you... what are you

478. talking about?

479. I don't know.

480. W-Well, I'm not usually the idea

481. man; I'm the money man.

482. Okay, don't worry about it.

483. What we'll do is we'll have a

484. beer, and then we'll come up

485. with something.

486. Okay. You know, we really

487. appreciated the drinks the other

488. night, but we... we've got to

489. get to work.

490. You got to get a ferret down

491. in the basement, because Charlie

492. says ferrets scare the shit out

493. of rats.

494. What are you talking about?

495. What is... what is... who...

496. who is Charlie?

497. You're Charlie.

498. No, you're too tall.

499. By any chance, do you have

500. homosexual tendencies?

501. You... you could be Dee, but

502. you're smaller.

503. You got a better body, I think.

504. You— I don't know... I don't

505. know who the hell you are,

506. 'cause we didn't have a black.

507. Sir, you got to get out of

508. here.

509. Oh. Oh, I get it.

510. I get it.

511. I got to prove myself, right?

512. Okay, I get it.

513. I'm gonna get to work, and I'll

514. make it really happen, and this

515. is so exciting.

516. You guys, this is gonna be

517. great.

518. Our thinking: clear.

519. Our rhymes: no fear.

520. Our words, our passion that

521. flows like beer.

522. Misery!

523. Chains.

524. Thunder.

525. Rain.

526. We're chasing the dragon.

527. We're chasing our pain.

528. Now, stop, breathe.

529. Unbroken.

530. You're free.

531. Shit, that's def. That's super def right there.

532. Oh, shit, that was the deffest.

533. Hey, here's a crazy idea.

534. Hmm? Why don't we run out, go to

535. an open-mic night, like, right now? >> Right now?

536. Yeah, Dee. I'm scared.

537. No, I know, but look, without Mac and Dennis, like, constantly

538. coming down on us, you're not gonna bomb.

539. You're gonna do great.

540. You know, I-I just feel like I'm feeling something.

541. I'm totally feeling it.

542. Something, like, crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

543. I guess we make a really good... make a really good team.

544. We do make a really good team.

545. You're calming me down, and

546. we're good at this together.

547. Cool, cool. All right.

548. Let's do it. That's great.

549. Let's go to it.

550. Oh, shit. Whoops!

551. Just kidding. Oh, yeah.

552. Yeah.

553. Great crowd, huh?

554. Yeah, big night!

555. Hey-o!

556. Beer me.

557. What a crowd, huh?

558. Oh. Hi.

559. Uh, yeah.

560. It's-it's good.

561. It's busy.

562. You're welcome.

563. Wait, you brought all these people here?

564. I bought them all fake I.D.s. Huh?

565. Yeah. These are all underage

566. kids— tweens and such.

567. I never got to do that scheme.

568. Why? Why-why would you do this?

569. I don't know why they did it.

570. They must've had a good reason.

571. Oh, also, I let a ferret loose

572. in here and called the health inspector.

573. What? Why?

574. So you could do the thing,

575. you know... snap to.

576. You better do it quick, too.

577. That kid looks sick as hell.

578. Excuse me.

579. Hi.

580. You guys selling the car?

581. Uh, yeah. Yes. Hi.

582. Hi. Yeah, I, uh, might like to buy it.

583. What do you want for it?

584. Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark of the

585. original price, but, uh...

586. considering the circumstances,

587. I'm open to a reasonable discussion.

588. All right.

589. I mean, it is an amphibious

590. exploring vehicle, so it should

591. be fine, right?

592. Yes.

593. Yes, absolutely.

594. It's nice to talk to a reasonable man.

595. Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit.

596. Oh, I ski. You ski?

597. Oh, excellent.

598. Love skiing.

599. Yeah. Do you travel a lot?

600. For work, yeah.

601. Europe? Eastern Europe?

602. Ah, all over, really.

603. And I assume you'll be taking

604. the car with you on these trips?

605. Me? Oh, no. No, no, no.

606. I'm-I'm looking for something

607. for my daughter.

608. Your daughter? Yeah.

609. You know, safe, slow vehicle.

610. Good starter car.

611. Starter car. That's right.

612. Mm.

613. I have contained my rage for

614. as long as possible, but I shall

615. unleash my fury upon you like

616. the crossing of a thousand waves!

617. Begone, vile man!

618. Begone from me!

619. A starter car?

620. This car is a finisher car!

621. A transporter of gods!

622. The golden god!

623. I am untethered and my rage

624. knows no bounds!

625. Well, we're gonna figure this out.

626. I know.

627. We're gonna, we're gonna...

628. Hey! What's up, bitches?

629. I'm a man cheetah.

630. You want to do something with this?

631. We lost it.

632. We lost our bar.

633. Huh?

634. Yeah. The health inspector

635. called the police, man.

636. The control board pulled our

637. liquor license.

638. And we got a $75,000 fine for

639. serving minors.

640. Well, uh, the other crew

641. always had something up their sleeve.

642. I got an idea.

643. We don't want to hear your ideas.

644. This is all your fault.

645. No... well, wait, Kelly.

646. Maybe he can help us.

647. It sounds like he's used to this

648. kind of thing.

649. Really?

650. Yeah, that-that's true.

651. He got us into this mess.

652. Maybe he can get us out of it.

653. Okay, old man.

654. What's your plan?

655. What?

656. Can I, um...?

657. What? No.

658. There's a beer I want to... Oh.

659. So, you know, just... all right? >> Yeah, I'm s... sorry.

660. Okay. Do you want one, or...? No. I... don't.

661. All right. Good. No.

662. Is it cold in here?

663. I'm not a thermostat, so...

664. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay, all right, all right,

665. listen— I want things to go back to normal, okay?

666. I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go

667. back to the way they were.

668. Listen up. I want things to go back to normal.

669. I don't like the way things are going.

670. I want 'em to go back to normal.

671. What the hell are you doing, man?

672. I'm storming in. I was storming in...

673. What, are you a man cheetah? Yeah.

674. Cool. You like it?

675. Yes. All right. Good.

676. All right, come on, let's... I can't do this anymore.

677. That last crew sucked on ice.

678. Okay, look, I like the man cheetah thing.

679. I want to go back to doing shit like this.

680. Are you guys on board?

681. I want to go back to the way things were.

682. Oh, yeah, I mean, we definitely...

683. Definitely want things to be normal again.

684. We should go back in time. Can we go way back in time?

685. Can we go back a lot? Okay, did you bomb and fail

686. and bomb, just like I knew you would?

687. He did. He did. Oh, yes, yeah, that's all

688. that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.

689. There was a poetry thing. It was bad.

690. It was really bad poetry, and... shut up, bird!

691. You shut up! You can't read!

692. Okay, this is good, all

693. right. Yeah, yeah.

694. Yeah, hey.

695. Okay, this is good, this is

696. good. So we're all in agreement?

697. Frank, pay to get my car out of the river.

698. Yes. Done. All right.

699. Aah, shit, that's starting again.

700. Right, yeah, you know what?

701. Mac's not gonna want to go back to normal.

702. He's been banging that hot chick in the back office all day.

703. No, I don't like this, okay?

704. It's unnatural, and I won't have it.

705. I'm putting an end to this right

706. now— we're going back to normal, yeah?

707. Yeah, you like it?

708. You know what...?

709. What the hell's going on in here? What is this?

710. Oh, we totally just banged or whatever.

711. You're fully clothed, Mac.

712. Have you been pretending to bang

713. this chick the entire time?

714. No.

715. He can't even get it up with me.

716. Well, that's because she's not even that hot. Like...

717. She's very hot. What?

718. Huh? She's beautiful. She's hot.

719. I don't know. I'm, like, not even feeling that, you know?

720. Can I get my angel dust now?

721. Oh.

722. Hmm.

723. Yeah.

724. Oh.

725. Okay.

726. Jesus Christ, dude. Come on.

727. Come on, buddy. You don't have to... >> No.

728. Wow. All right, you know what, guys?

729. Listen, it's fine, it's all good, Mac, okay?

730. Do you want to go back to the way things where, where we don't

731. ask questions, you just go about

732. your business?

733. Yeah. Done.

734. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

735. Ah! I was hoping this day would come.

736. I saved a special surprise for us.

737. Is he a man cheetah?

738. Yeah. Awesome. It's really cool.

739. Who wants rum ham? Rum ham...