It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 10x4

1. Frank, pick up!

2. Pick up, buddy, pick up, pick

3. up, pick up, pick up, pick up!

4. Hello!

5. I got a Code Red, here, pal.

6. I got a Code Red.

7. I just got tipped off that the

8. health inspector's coming today!

9. The guy's gonna be here in,

10. like, 15 minutes.

11. They're pulling a fast one on

12. us!

13. Okay, I got the place looking

14. pretty good already, 'cause I

15. was anticipating something like

16. this, but do me a favor.

17. Make sure no one is in the bar

18. today, okay?

19. I cannot have those guys in here

20. making a mess, you got it?

21. Oh, shit.

22. What the hell is this?

23. Why are there chickens

24. everywhere?

25. No time to explain it

26. to you, you wouldn't get it

27. anyway.

28. What are you painting?

29. It's a new sign.

30. Okay? Look.

31. "A Place for Steaks."

32. What? No, I can't have you

33. put that sign up.

34. The health inspector's coming,

35. like, any minute!

36. So what?

37. So what? So we're not

38. Carmine's.

39. Look, I can't have them see the

40. sign.

41. Who gives a shit?

42. We always get a passing grade.

43. Yeah, we get a passing grade

44. because I bust my ass to make

45. sure that happens, okay?

46. And we don't pretend that we're

47. a restaurant!

48. Look, this is crazy!

49. No sign!

50. No, we're using the sign,

51. because the sign's a big part of

52. the plan.

53. What is the plan?

54. What is happening?

55. Charlie, we found a loophole

56. in the system.

57. Yeah, it's a closing

58. loophole; it involves airline

59. miles and points.

60. You're doing a chicken and

61. airline miles scam today?

62. Look, it is a great plan,

63. okay?

64. We do not have a ton of time to

65. explain it to you, we're busy...

66. Okay, fine, whatever, I get

67. it, I get it.

68. No, you don't.

69. It's a good plan, Charlie.

70. Frank, Jesus Christ, man,

71. where are your shoes?

72. I lost 'em in the bathroom.

73. All right, goddamn it.

74. I gotta think here.

75. Okay, here's what we're gonna

76. do.

77. We gotta get all these chickens

78. and coops and feathers and

79. everything in the back office.

80. Now! Go!

81. Why the hell would we do

82. that?

83. Well, I assume you don't want

84. a health inspector seeing

85. anything about a chicken "scam"

86. you're trying to pull off.

87. That's a good point.

88. All right, yeah, fine.

89. But don't pretend like you

90. understand the plan, 'cause

91. that's gonna piss me off.

92. Okay. Dee, get the joke stool

93. in the basement, all right?

94. Can't have it out.

95. What? No way.

96. It's hilarious.

97. It's not hilarious, it's just

98. a stool with a nail sticking out

99. of it.

100. Yeah, and when it pokes their

101. butts, they scream, 'cause they

102. just got a nail right in the

103. butt.

104. I... you don't understand

105. comedy at all.

106. You don't understand comedy.

107. That's not a joke, it's a

108. lawsuit.

109. Just put it in the basement.

110. Fine, all right, fine.

111. Can't have the guy sitting

112. on that...

113. Okay! Relax!

114. All right, Frank, let's go.

115. Bathroom! Come on!

116. I gotta find your shoes!

117. All right, all right...

118. Let's go, let's go.

119. And then help with the chickens

120. if you can, please.

121. Move, move, move, move.

122. How could you have possibly lost

123. your shoes in...

124. Oh, my God. No!

125. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

126. What's wrong with the toilet?

127. Looks clogged.

128. What the hell?

129. I just had these all in, like,

130. perfect working condition.

131. Must be my shoes.

132. Your shoes?

133. What are you talking about?

134. Well, when I said I lost my

135. shoes, I didn't mean I didn't

136. know where they were.

137. It's just that they were gone.

138. You flushed your shoes down

139. the toilet?

140. Why would you do that?

141. It's an anxiety thing,

142. Charlie.

143. Everybody's moving so fast all

144. of a sudden, it freaks me out.

145. Flushing things gives me

146. control.

147. It's a thing.

148. That's not a thing.

149. It's a thing.

150. That's not a thing.

151. I've never heard of that thing.

152. All right, I gotta dig 'em out.

153. Want me to get a snake tool?

154. No, I'm just gonna...

155. Look, just go help with the

156. chickens, okay?

157. Help with the chickens, please?

158. Get 'em in the back office, do

159. whatever you can!

160. Charlie, I need you for

161. something.

162. Goddamn, this thing's broken.

163. Look, can you give me that fix

164. bag right there?

165. Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.

166. Hey, listen, um... we've got a

167. huge problem out there, dude.

168. Oh.

169. Earlier, when Dennis said,

170. "We've got a really good idea

171. with this plan," that wasn't

172. entirely accurate, 'cause it was

173. actually my idea and I think the

174. usage of the word "we" in there

175. is really confusing, because,

176. like, how can a whole group of

177. people have the same idea at the

178. same time?

179. What, do they just say it all at

180. once? It's ludicrous.

181. I don't understand why you're

182. angling for credit right now.

183. We'll go through the normal

184. arbitration process at the end

185. of all of this.

186. Right. Well, I've just been

187. screwed at the last three

188. arbitration processes, and I

189. just want you to be on my side,

190. you know?

191. 'Cause I really need you.

192. Whatever, dude. I don't care.

193. Wait.

194. What happened to the glory hole

195. cover?

196. I took it off.

197. I-I thought you... you put it on

198. there by accident.

199. No, I put it up there because

200. I don't want the health

201. inspector seeing that we have a

202. place for a person to get their

203. dick sucked by a stranger.

204. Dude, you are taking this

205. whole inspection thing way too

206. seriously, okay?

207. Back to the credit issue— you

208. just don't know what it's like

209. to be overlooked.

210. Oh, my God, that's exactly

211. what's happening to me right

212. now.

213. Okay. You know what?

214. Maybe I'll just casually bring

215. it up to him and then he won't

216. even know what we're

217. talking about.

218. Ha! I got a fix!

219. I got a fix right here— all

220. right, we'll just put this up

221. and boom, that's pretty good.

222. What was that?

223. Why did the lights go out?

224. Uh, that could be the vacuum

225. sealer.

226. That thing probably pulls a lot

227. of power.

228. Vacuum sealer? What the hell?

229. Yeah.

230. All right, where's this

231. packaging machine thing?

232. Keg room.

233. Keg room?

234. Okay, good, they're back on.

235. Frank, Frank, Frank, don't go

236. away!

237. Okay, keep moving chickens, yes,

238. but I need you to take the "Talk

239. American" sign down.

240. Are you sure?

241. Maybe he's a racist, too.

242. The health inspector's not a

243. racist, Frank.

244. Take it down, please, okay?

245. And shoes— shoes, please?

246. Find some shoes?

247. I got this.

248. Oh, shit!

249. This thing's tits!

250. No, no, no, you can't use

251. this machine, okay?

252. It blew the surge protector.

253. Well, we can't do the plan

254. without the packaging machine.

255. How else are we supposed to

256. vacuum-seal the steaks?

257. Steaks?

258. This is a chicken and air mile

259. and steak scam, now?

260. Yeah.

261. All right, fine.

262. I can work with it, I can work

263. with it.

264. Just do me a favor, start

265. packaging lemons and limes and

266. things, make it seem like we

267. package shit at the bar.

268. Fun.

269. Dee, I need you down in the

270. basement, I need your reach.

271. Me?

272. Yeah, real quick, come on.

273. Okay.

274. Hey, Dennis.

275. Could I talk to you for

276. a second?

277. Do me a favor.

278. I got a battery here.

279. Reach up in the carbon monoxide

280. detector, just pop it in real

281. quick?

282. Yeah, you got it.

283. Hey, Charlie, while we're down

284. here, I just wanted to talk to

285. you about ideas...

286. and how funny it is that they

287. can come from all kinds of

288. different places, you know?

289. Somebody could say something

290. really funny and it might spark

291. an idea...

292. Shh, shh, shh— Dee, zip up

293. the mouth...

294. No, I know, but before the

295. arbitration, I need to know...

296. Dee, shut up, shut up,

297. shut up!

298. That's, uh, G-sharp.

299. Okay, I got it, I got it.

300. Yeah, yeah.

301. Is it broken?

302. It won't shut the hell up.

303. No, it's doing exactly what

304. it's supposed to do and that's

305. the problem.

306. There's, like, a ton of carbon

307. monoxide down here, so I don't

308. want it doing that.

309. What? Why?

310. Uh, well, I... actually, what

311. I do is I block the vents to the

312. furnace and that fills the

313. basement with dangerous gases.

314. Drives the rodents away.

315. I always do it leading up to an

316. inspection.

317. Is that safe?

318. No, no.

319. It's incredibly unsafe.

320. We can't be down here too long,

321. so get the battery and we

322. gotta roll.

323. Oh, my God.

324. Yeah, get it out.

325. And then just make it look

326. like...

327. Goddamn you, Charlie.

328. Goddamn it, go.

329. All right, go, go, go.

330. You getting light-headed?

331. Yes!

332. Why'd I hear a squeal?

333. Oh, no, dude, why are you

334. bleeding?

335. Dennis scratched me.

336. Mac was doing that thing

337. where he tries to casually bring

338. something up to me, like I don't

339. notice.

340. Come to me like a man!

341. Talk about being tough all the

342. time; can't even look me in the

343. eyes.

344. Okay.

345. How's this for shoes,

346. Charlie?

347. Aw, no, Frank, come on, man!

348. You're gonna get black paint

349. everywhere!

350. I changed my mind about the

351. stool.

352. No, no stool. Stool's out.

353. No way!

354. It's just that it was my

355. idea, Dennis.

356. It's sort of like the jean

357. shorts, you know, where you...

358. Look at me when you're

359. talking to me!

360. Oh, shit.

361. The steaks are here.

362. Nice.

363. Whoa.

364. That's a big truck.

365. Shit. No, no, no, no, no.

366. I can't have this truck out

367. here!

368. Hey, uh, is this Carmine's

369. Steak House?

370. You're looking at the sign,

371. pal.

372. Oh.

373. Hey, you guys mind if I get a

374. quick bite here before we begin?

375. You want to eat here?

376. Uh, yeah, you know, it's a

377. long drive back to Ohio and I

378. figured I was gonna be here a

379. while, unloading all these

380. steaks.

381. Well, you won't be here that

382. long, right?

383. I mean, it's only 400 steaks.

384. Four hundred?

385. You ordered 4,000.

386. Excuse me, I gotta use the

387. toilet.

388. Oh, shit.

389. Oh, gosh, you know what?

390. The thing is, our kitchen's not

391. open...

392. Okay, you know what? Yeah.

393. Go ahead, uh, leave the keys in

394. it, maybe pop the back, we'll

395. help you get started.

396. I'm gonna fire up the grill and

397. all set.

398. Okay.

399. We got you covered.

400. Oh, son of a bitch.

401. Did you flush your shirt?

402. Yep.

403. Okay, uh, I don't want to

404. interrupt here, Charlie, but we

405. got a major problem on our

406. hands.

407. A) We are not a restaurant that

408. serves food, and B) How are we

409. gonna package 4,000 steaks?

410. We can handle it, okay?

411. Dee, we should've never done

412. your stupid plan!

413. My plan?

414. No way, this was Frank's idea.

415. Wasn't my idea.

416. Dennis was all over it.

417. Me? No, this was Mac's stupid

418. plan.

419. Then why'd you scratch me?

420. 'Cause I was irritated with

421. you.

422. Look, we can handle all of

423. this, all right?

424. Excuse me, with all due

425. respect, Charlie, you don't even

426. know what the goddamn plan is.

427. Okay, okay, with all due

428. respect to you, I think I

429. understand it fully, okay?

430. You guys used Frank's credit

431. card, you bought a bunch of

432. airline miles.

433. You used those airline miles to

434. purchase 400 steaks.

435. Knowing that this delivery

436. company delivered all variety of

437. animal products, your plan was

438. to contaminate the steaks with

439. chicken feathers, by rubbing

440. live chickens all over them.

441. Then you were gonna repackage

442. the steaks, at which point,

443. you were gonna return the

444. contaminated steaks for actual

445. cash, taking advantage of a

446. loophole in the current airline

447. miles system, correct?

448. Very good, Charlie.

449. That is it, that is it.

450. That was the plan, but I

451. mean... you know, we basically

452. had already explained it to you,

453. so...

454. Right.

455. But what you didn't plan for was

456. a hungry delivery guy who'd

457. driven here all the way from

458. Ohio.

459. Or that Dee's oversized fingers

460. could've accidentally pressed

461. "zero" again when she ordered

462. the steaks online.

463. I'm assuming you did the typing,

464. Dee, yes?

465. Goddamn it.

466. Dee, you bitch.

467. But none of this matters to

468. me, okay?

469. Because today is inspection day.

470. A day that I pride myself on, a

471. day that I've never failed on,

472. and I don't plan to begin

473. failing now, so listen to me and

474. listen close, like you've never

475. done before.

476. We are going to pull this thing

477. off, so help me God.

478. Son of a bitch.

479. Okay, here we go.

480. Here's the plan:

481. Dee, Frank, come with me.

482. I want you guys to set up a

483. table and chair in the alleyway,

484. all right?

485. This guy's gonna be dining in

486. our patio area.

487. Dee, take his order, make him

488. think it's a real restaurant.

489. Frank, as soon as you're done,

490. haul ass down the alleyway, move

491. the guy's truck, all right?

492. All right, I need you guys to

493. take down the Carmine sign.

494. I can't have it up when the

495. inspector gets here, all right?

496. And get me a steak off the

497. truck, okay?

498. Gladly.

499. All right, I'm gonna show

500. this guy to his table.

501. Here we go.

502. Oh, hey, right on time!

503. Here's my guy. You know what?

504. Don't even bother unloading,

505. 'cause I'm gonna have my guys

506. handle it, okay?

507. You sure?

508. Oh, absolutely.

509. The keys are in the truck,

510. right?

511. Yeah, they're...

512. All right, come on in.

513. Let's go have a bite to eat.

514. I know you're a hungry guy.

515. Oh, it's-it's a nice spot.

516. Yeah, it's a nice spot.

517. We can't complain.

518. We can't complain.

519. See all these booths over here?

520. They're nice.

521. And we got a patio area.

522. I think you're gonna enjoy

523. sitting there.

524. You know what?

525. A booth is-is fine.

526. Oh, no, see, look, we got

527. these old stools and old booths,

528. but the patio area is really

529. something special.

530. You know, you're a top-shelf

531. customer, right?

532. Right.

533. You want to be having the

534. top-shelf experience.

535. And here we go.

536. Welcome!

537. Please, make yourself

538. comfortable.

539. Yeah, have a seat and, uh,

540. enjoy the patio.

541. Uh, this is an alley.

542. I think I'd rather just sit

543. inside.

544. Spends all day in a truck and

545. he wants to eat indoors!

546. Hey, the man needs fresh air!

547. Dee, take his order, okay?

548. Yes, yes.

549. Uh, what can I get you?

550. Okay, here we go.

551. Okay, here we go.

552. Okay.

553. Here we go.

554. Mac! Steaks! Steaks!

555. All right, back on this!

556. Dennis, I need you to be the

557. face in the bar, okay?

558. I accept that responsibility.

559. Frank, go, go, go!

560. Okay, here's my guy, right

561. on time.

562. Come on, now, buddy, here we go.

563. Wait— wait, wait, whoa, whoa,

564. whoa— who's this?

565. No, no, no, ma'am, ma'am, I'm

566. sorry, you can't park here.

567. Are you the owner?

568. Uh, yeah, Charlie Kelly.

569. Who's asking?

570. I'm, uh, Sandy Lawler.

571. I'm with the City Board of

572. Health.

573. I'll be conducting an impromptu

574. inspection of your bar.

575. Okay, yeah, uh, what happened

576. to Alan?

577. Alan was let go on account of

578. his leniency.

579. Shall we begin?

580. Okay. Uh... sure.

581. All right, let's get going.

582. Right in here.

583. This is our, uh, bartender over

584. here.

585. All right, all right,

586. all right.

587. Okay. He's a bit of a

588. character.

589. Where would you like to begin?

590. Let's, uh, begin with the

591. bathrooms.

592. Okay, that's fine.

593. Come on in this way.

594. I assume all the toilets are

595. in working order.

596. Oh, absolutely.

597. Yeah, I wouldn't bother checking

598. if I were you.

599. I think I will.

600. You're standing awfully close

601. to me.

602. Sorry about that.

603. Yeah.

604. Do I smell cheese?

605. I'm gonna leave you to it.

606. You do your thing, okay?

607. Dennis, heads up.

608. What are these?

609. They're car keys, okay?

610. Just picked her pocket.

611. Go move her car, so Frank can

612. pull the truck up.

613. Okay, okay.

614. Hey, Dee, hold up.

615. Okay, put this on the furnace,

616. all right? Cook it up good.

617. Oh, no, he wants a turkey

618. burger.

619. What? Why?

620. I don't know.

621. I offered it to him.

622. Why would you do that?

623. You said pretend we're a

624. restaurant— he looked like a

625. turkey burger kind of guy.

626. He looks like a turkey burger

627. kind of guy? Oh, my God, Dee,

628. just put it on the furnace,

629. okay, cook it up.

630. Tell him you got the order

631. wrong, just tell him you got the

632. thing wrong.

633. Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch.

634. What a stupid bitch she is.

635. Okay.

636. Dude, what's the plan with

637. the chickens?

638. Okay, everything's going in

639. the vent, all right?

640. Chickens, cages, they're all

641. going in the vent.

642. But first, count to, like, 30,

643. and then start moaning into it.

644. Why?

645. Dude, just do it, okay?

646. Don't ask questions, just moan

647. in the vent; after a couple of

648. moans say, "I'm sorry."

649. You got it?

650. Okay, sure, yeah.

651. Okay? Okay?

652. 26, 25...

653. 24, 23, 22, 21, 20...

654. 19, 18, 17,

655. 16, 15, 14, 13,

656. 12, 11, ten, nine...

657. And how are we looking in here?

658. It's acceptable so far.

659. Okay.

660. Oh, you hear that?

661. Oh, I guess there's somebody

662. in there.

663. It sounds like there's

664. somebody in there, yeah.

665. Let's take a little peek.

666. Hey, buddy, how about a courtesy

667. cough or something next time?

668. I'm sorry.

669. Don't be sorry, you know?

670. Just, uh, give us all a heads-up

671. you're in here, save us all the

672. embarrassment, you know?

673. Some people, they got, like, no

674. sort of social boundaries or

675. anything like that.

676. It's really kind of an awkward

677. thing.

678. Did you meet our bartender?

679. Hey! All right, all right,

680. all right.

681. That's right, I think I

682. introduced you to him.

683. You want to check out the

684. women's bathroom?

685. Yeah.

686. Women's bathroom, I assure

687. you, is spotless.

688. Well, we'll see.

689. No, we actually hardly ever

690. have women in here, so...

691. But we're not being graded on

692. that.

693. All right, in you go, in you go.

694. Go ahead and take a... move your

695. bowels if you have to.

696. All right, okay, back office,

697. okay?

698. Chickens, vents— everything's

699. going in the vents, so get

700. in the back. Go, go, go!

701. The furnace cooked it way too

702. fast— it's charred to shit.

703. It doesn't matter.

704. It doesn't matter?

705. I'm gonna give him the wrong

706. order and just hand him a

707. burned-up steak?

708. He's gonna be pissed.

709. Dee, this guy's not grading

710. our bar— I don't care if he has

711. the worst dining experience of

712. his life.

713. Go give him the burned steak.

714. Okay, how's this...?

715. How am I gonna get all these

716. steaks off the truck?

717. You don't have to get 'em

718. all, okay? We're just gonna

719. contaminate a couple, then we're

720. gonna put the chickens onto the

721. truck.

722. Why?

723. Frank, we're gonna

724. contaminate the truck, we're

725. gonna contaminate the whole

726. truck, all right?

727. That goes to the keg room, and

728. for the love of God, find a

729. shirt!

730. Find a shirt, Frank!

731. All right, okay, okay.

732. Ah, okay.

733. Come on, come on, come on.

734. Okay. Nice.

735. Done.

736. Well done! Okay!

737. Up top! All right, okay,

738. here's the plan— got to go to

739. the third stall vents in the

740. bathroom.

741. Chickens are coming out there.

742. Everything goes to the keg room,

743. right?

744. Start rubbing chickens on

745. steaks, seal them up good.

746. And then put everything on the

747. truck— chickens, steaks,

748. everything on the truck!

749. Got it, got it, got it.

750. We're contaminating the

751. truck, guys, let's go!

752. What is this?

753. What are you doing?

754. I'm painting a shirt!

755. No! All right, look,

756. just, uh, get out of sight!

757. Or go to the keg room, hide out.

758. I'm gonna send Dee to you in a

759. minute, all right?

760. In fact, just keep painting,

761. that's fine, but go in the keg

762. room.

763. Oh, my God, what an idiot.

764. Hi. Oh, hi, hello.

765. I'm sorry, is there a-a problem

766. out here?

767. He's making a big

768. stink about the steak.

769. The steak is burnt to shit.

770. It's not even what I ordered.

771. Would you look at that?

772. Aw, man, I'll tell you what.

773. I'm gonna give you a beer on the

774. house— come on inside.

775. Oh, how nice!

776. No, I'll just take it here.

777. No, actually we don't have

778. our outdoor liquor license, so I

779. so I got to have you drink

780. it inside. In you go!

781. You know what, this is the

782. worst restaurant I've

783. ever been to.

784. So sorry, terribly sorry,

785. sir, terribly sorry.

786. Aw, Charlie, that's not good!

787. What are you talking about?

788. It's great! Thinks we're

789. a real restaurant.

790. Okay, Dee, table, chairs—

791. everything's going in the

792. Dumpster, all right?

793. And then please push it, like,

794. you know, another couple inches

795. from the door, it doesn't look

796. like six feet to me.

797. What? Of course it does.

798. No, no, Dee. It looks like

799. five and a half, okay?

800. You think she's gonna notice

801. six inches?

802. You move the goddamn

803. Dumpster, you bitch, okay?

804. Then haul ass down the alleyway.

805. Okay. Hi!

806. Hi! How'd it go in there?

807. Uh, fine, I suppose.

808. Everything checks out.

809. Hello.

810. Hello.

811. Yeah, lots of customers.

812. We're a bustling business, so

813. why don't you head on out to the

814. alleyway and see if there's

815. anything there that needs, uh,

816. inspecting.

817. And, ooh, sir, whoa, whoa, whoa!

818. Sorry.

819. No, no, no!

820. I'm gonna need you to drink

821. that in our VIP lounge area.

822. I just want to drink it here.

823. Oh, come on! A very important

824. customer like yourself sitting

825. on a bar with the regulars?

826. I think you're gonna enjoy the

827. exclusivity of the lounge area,

828. so just enjoy that.

829. It's not a lounge area...

830. Hey, all right, all right,

831. all right!

832. Why are you doing that to me?

833. I don't know.

834. Okay, I don't need you to do

835. that to me, all right?

836. Just go, go— yeah, you gotta

837. finish the job!

838. How'd it go with the Dumpster?

839. You move it?

840. Huh? Yes.

841. Okay, here's the plan.

842. Give this to Frank.

843. Tell him G-sharp.

844. Then you got to paint him head

845. to toe in black.

846. Why would I do any of that?

847. Dee, just do it, okay?

848. Just do it, you goddamn bitch.

849. Oh, you bitch!

850. Stop questioning everything!

851. Oh, that goddamn bitch.

852. Oh, that goddamn bitch!

853. Oh, my God, she's gonna ruin it

854. all.

855. And how are we out here?

856. Everything will be in the

857. report.

858. Yeah, sure.

859. Mind if I head behind the

860. bar?

861. No! Sure! That's not an

862. issue.

863. Yeah, come check out the bar.

864. You know, the bar is sort of the

865. lifeblood of a bar.

866. I said bar, bar twice!

867. And, oh, you know what?

868. There's drainage pipes down

869. there that I don't want you to

870. check.

871. "Drainage pipes"?

872. I'm sorry, Mr. Kelly.

873. I have to check it out.

874. Well, if you gotta do it,

875. you gotta do it.

876. Now... you know, but...

877. I mean, I know that they're a

878. little wet, they get damp and,

879. uh...

880. Actually, they look pretty

881. good.

882. Oh, all right, well, that's

883. great.

884. Uh, so one last thing.

885. I suppose I want to show the

886. blender here, for our mixing up

887. frozen drinks or...

888. I really don't need to see

889. that.

890. Turn it up higher?

891. I don't really need to...

892. No, that's not a good idea,

893. but here we go... See?

894. Yeah, we blew the power.

895. It's not really environmentally

896. safe to turn it up that high;

897. that's why never really do it.

898. I should dock you for that one.

899. I'm not gonna.

900. That's a joke.

901. I'd love to show you our

902. packaging machine I keep in the

903. keg room.

904. Here, come take a peek here.

905. Look at all this.

906. Look at all of this!

907. Oh, my! This is...

908. A bit excessive?

909. Yes, I know, but I'm a little

910. anal when it comes to securing

911. the perishables.

912. You know, I just don't want

913. anything to get rotten, and

914. that's about as-as good

915. as it gets.

916. You're not the only one with

917. standards around here.

918. So come on down to the

919. basement and you can check

920. this out.

921. Okay, so, uh, watch your step on

922. the stairs here.

923. Wouldn't want you to trip on any

924. old paint cans or anything like

925. that, but hopefully everything

926. down here, you know, has been

927. properly painted and put where

928. it's supposed to be.

929. So you know what I'm saying?

930. No, I don't.

931. Where's the carbon monoxide

932. detector?

933. Carbon monoxide detector!

934. All right, so you reach up there

935. and you give that a poke and

936. everything should...

937. Great and... oh!

938. Twice, okay.

939. Excellent.

940. All right, that was

941. excellent.

942. Uh, I'm feeling a little

943. light-headed.

944. Yeah, could it be the stairs?

945. Or, you know, maybe you're just

946. dizzy by the cleanliness.

947. So let's get you out of here.

948. What?

949. No sense in lingering around.

950. You checked the carbon monoxide

951. and that-that's all you got to

952. do there— okay, let's see.

953. Uh, I think we covered

954. everything.

955. I mean, uh, doorknob?

956. That works.

957. Showed you all the packaged

958. produce.

959. Hey, did you meet our bartender?

960. All right, all right.

961. We're not paying for

962. contaminated steaks!

963. You're entire truck is filled

964. with chickens!

965. You want me to return 4,000

966. steaks?

967. This restaurant is insane.

968. "Restaurant"?

969. Uh, well, yeah, if you count

970. a bowl of peanuts, you know?

971. We get the drunks in here, they

972. get all ornery and confused.

973. What are you gonna do?

974. It comes with the territory.

975. Well, I'd love to spend a little

976. bit more time in here...

977. Ah, that's about it,

978. Mr. Kelly.

979. That's it?

980. Yeah.

981. Oh...

982. Hey!

983. Yes? Are you talking to me?

984. Yeah.

985. What is it?

986. All right, all right,

987. all right.

988. Yes. Okay.

989. You know, all right,

990. all right, all right.

991. Kind of says it all.

992. So, here we go.

993. Uh, last thing, Sandy.

994. Is this concrete regulation?

995. You know, I know there's some

996. cracks and...

997. It looks fine.

998. But I'll tell you what's not

999. fine, Mr. Kelly, and that's the

1000. Dumpster.

1001. The regulation is exactly six

1002. feet, and you were at five and

1003. a half.

1004. Oh, that goddamn bitch.

1005. I know Alan would let this

1006. slide, but I'm not Alan.

1007. I'll have to dock you for that.

1008. Okay, well, I understand, and

1009. I assure you that those

1010. responsible, they'll be dealt

1011. with.

1012. However, you do have an

1013. amazingly clean bar, and

1014. therefore I'm giving Paddy's Pub

1015. the highest possible grade.

1016. You are?

1017. Congratulations.

1018. Oh, my... You got me

1019. with the whole Dumpster thing!

1020. Oh, man, that's really, really

1021. exciting stuff!

1022. Oh, well...

1023. It's just really fantastic.

1024. That was nice.

1025. Have a wonderful day.

1026. Okay.

1027. Okay.

1028. Guys, we got the highest

1029. grade!

1030. I didn't think we were gonna do

1031. it 'cause of the Dumpster, but,

1032. man, she got us the highest

1033. grade!

1034. The highest grade of...?

1035. The health inspection!

1036. We passed the health inspection!

1037. Boo!

1038. Oh, yeah, we don't, we don't

1039. give a shit about that.

1040. Yeah, we were excited about

1041. the airline miles thing.

1042. Well, yeah, that's cool, too,

1043. but the health inspection was

1044. the whole thing, man!

1045. I pulled it off!

1046. It was like, "Here goes there!"

1047. I did the whole thing.

1048. Uh, Charlie, come on.

1049. We always pass, okay?

1050. We never have a hard time

1051. passing. It's not a big deal.

1052. Nobody gives a shit.

1053. You didn't do anything that

1054. special.

1055. That's how you make a joke

1056. stool right there! That's...

1057. Ow, Charlie!

1058. Did you do that?

1059. Yeah, you know what?

1060. I think I did.

1061. You did it?

1062. Oh, that's so funny!

1063. Are you kidding me?

1064. I thought I saw you!

1065. Are you kidding?

1066. Unbelievable.