It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 10x10

1. My apartment is not a spa.

2. Dennis and I are gonna take a soak.

3. You and Dennis are going to bathe together?

4. It's that Turkish bath thing.

5. What are you worried about? I'm not worried about

6. anything, but my apartment is not a Turkish bath, okay?

7. Well, Dee, you know, this is Dennis's apartment now, too.

8. No. No, goddamn it, it's not,

9. all right?

10. Mac and Dennis do not live here.

11. Just... So sick of you guys

12. doing your stupid shit in

13. my place.

14. What the hell is this?

15. One more! Wah!

16. Stop!

17. Hey!

18. Oh!

19. Good set, boys!

20. What are you doing?

21. Oh, Dee, this is Jojo,

22. Tiny, Charlie you know.

23. I don't care.

24. Together, we are Ass Kickers United.

25. Oh, you guys, come on, please, I don't want you doing

26. your weird routines in here!

27. It's not a routine, Dee, and

28. there is nothing weird about

29. this, okay?

30. Ass Kickers United is a way of

31. life, based on the life

32. improvement teachings of the Master.

33. What kind of cult shit is that?

34. No, no, it's not a cult, Frank.

35. The Master is the only human to

36. ever achieve enlightenment

37. through the way of the warrior.

38. Stop, two, three.

39. One, two, three, four. Stop.

40. Come on! Goddamn it!

41. Frank, I can't get this Fight

42. Milk out of the goddamn couch!

43. Oh! Shit!

44. It burned a hole in the cushion!

45. That's probably the crotein.

46. Don't get that on your skin!

47. Oh! Frank, Frank,

48. sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,

49. good news.

50. I brought checkers.

51. Oh, what's up, Dee?

52. I got dominoes, and what the

53. hell is going on?

54. Your place looks like shit.

55. What happened?

56. Yeah, yeah, it does.

57. I'll tell you what happened.

58. Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters

59. Incorporated were in here

60. jerking around all day.

61. Mac, Charlie and a bunch of

62. goons started a queer club.

63. Hmm.

64. They got a newsletter.

65. Oh, shit.

66. Ass Kickers United.

67. Oh, my God.

68. What?

69. Dee, Mac didn't start this club.

70. I did.

71. What are you talking about?

72. Yeah. I, uh... I just made

73. this shit up about Ass Kickers

74. United to get Mac to stop eating

75. my Thin Mints.

76. Huh?

77. You know how Mac is all

78. irritating and shit?

79. Of course. The worst!

80. Right, well, he was doing all

81. this irritating shit, and he was driving me crazy.

82. Worst of all, he was eating all

83. my Thin Mint cookies, and, so, you know, playing on Mac's

84. physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little

85. bit, so I created this Master character, all right?

86. I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly

87. about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general,

88. just kind of speaking Mac's language.

89. But mostly, I was speaking of

90. the dangers of consuming too many Thin Mint cookies.

91. And I'll tell you, man, it worked like a charm, 'cause he

92. stopped eating Thin Mints almost immediately.

93. That is extremely impressive. Oh.

94. Dennis, I missed most of that last part.

95. Run it by me again.

96. Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes.

97. I'm not doing it again.

98. Dennis started a cult. No, I didn't start a cult.

99. Yeah, sure sounds like a cult.

100. Hey, I got a great idea.

101. Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his

102. dum-dum friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?

103. That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place.

104. Or maybe get some broads involved.

105. Cults are great for attracting New Age tail.

106. No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments

107. and getting young, New Age tail. You can't do that.

108. That takes years of brainwashing.

109. But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write

110. the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna

111. rat you out. No. Come on, Dee.

112. I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. You know why?

113. 'Cause I'm up to here.

114. All right, I've had a very bad day, all right?

115. I'm at the end of my rope, if I'm being honest.

116. Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.

117. All right, look, I'll test the

118. waters a little bit, okay, see

119. if we can get 'em there slowly.

120. Maybe you can get 'em to eat

121. a shit sandwich.

122. That would be fun.

123. Why the hell would I...?

124. What? No, this isn't about fun.

125. This is about... it's about Thin

126. Mints, goddamn it! Right?

127. And the reason I'm so good at

128. this is because I take it seriously.

129. Now, just watch and learn.

130. Listen up!

131. According to the Master, guys,

132. we're not getting enough vitamin

133. D, so these stickers harness

134. the power of the sun and deliver

135. it directly to our bodies, okay?

136. And, apparently, guys, there's

137. another exercise.

138. Yes, sensei!

139. Yeah!

140. All right, now, they're

141. called hammer jerks, and it's

142. sort of like a... hammer, then

143. you bend.

144. Mm-hmm.

145. Then you snap, then you jerk.

146. Ow.

147. Then a hammer.

148. Hammer.

149. Ow! Bend.

150. Bend, snap.

151. Damn it.

152. Jerk.

153. Oh, yeah.

154. Hammer, bend, snap, jerk.

155. Hammer...

156. I can't believe they went for

157. the sticker thing.

158. Thank you. Thank you.

159. Okay, so, time to dial it up a notch.

160. Let's put 'em to work and get 'em to your apartment.

161. Yeah, we can't just dive into that shit.

162. We talked about this. It's a slow burn.

163. They're wearing sticks on their heads. They're there.

164. Look, look, look, stop. You guys are going crazy.

165. You're gonna blow the Thin Mint thing.

166. Will you just trust me? I got this.

167. I am the Master. I'm gonna get you what you want.

168. You just got to let me do my thing.

169. That-that-that sounds good.

170. Mm, yeah, okay.

171. You gonna goddamn blow this for me?

172. No.

173. You gonna blow the Thin Mint thing?

174. No.

175. "The Master sayeth."

176. Mm-hmm.

177. "Kicking ass in life is all

178. about drywall."

179. And pussy. Put "pussy."

180. Goddamn, Frank, don't say "pussy."

181. It's disgusting.

182. I'm not putting it.

183. Hmm.

184. "To be a total badass, you

185. must learn carpentry."

186. Hmm.

187. "Fixing apartments is what

188. you must do."

189. And buy Wolf Cola.

190. Let's make some coin.

191. Okay.

192. "And buy Wolf Cola, the only

193. cola for true refreshment."

194. That's good.

195. "Splash into the beast."

196. Mm-hmm, that's great.

197. I know it is.

198. Cool it with the jerky, will you?

199. You're driving me nuts.

200. Now, put-put "bring pussy."

201. Goddamn it. All right.

202. Just put it in.

203. Fine. Hey, listen.

204. This is what I'll do.

205. "Ladies are now mandatory.

206. "Each of you dick bags must

207. recruit at least one woman."

208. Should we put anything else?

209. Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.

210. What is it with you and the

211. shit sandwich?

212. Do you really want to see

213. somebody take a roll and stick

214. doody in it, and then they put

215. it in their mouth?

216. God, you are so gross.

217. Eh...

218. Okay, so, how much for the

219. Wolf Colas?

220. Five bucks a piece.

221. Okay, great.

222. Ma, how many you want?

223. I'll take three.

224. Okay. And Mrs. Mac?

225. She'll have one.

226. Huh? One. Any more caffeine than

227. that, and she will not stop talking.

228. Really? Oh, kind of want to

229. see that.

230. Hey, Charlie, can I talk to

231. you for a second?

232. Yeah. What's up?

233. Um, does all this seem kind

234. of strange to you?

235. Huh? Uh, oh, you mean the

236. Wolf Cola thing?

237. Yeah. I was wondering.

238. Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?

239. Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages.

240. He's gonna know the finest of colas.

241. Oh, oh, you mean the

242. carpentry thing. Yeah.

243. No. Throughout history, uh,

244. Ass Kickers have always known

245. carpentry.

246. Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.

247. Right, okay.

248. What are you talking about?

249. The women. The women, dude.

250. Oh.

251. This is supposed to be a

252. men's club, you know?

253. Who wants that around?

254. Oh. Uh...

255. I don't know.

256. I'm kind of cool with it.

257. Also, I don't ever remember

258. anything in the newsletters

259. about no women.

260. It could not have been more

261. No women, no gays.

262. I don't ever remember you

263. reading anything about that.

264. It was implied, okay?

265. Look, in these kind of texts,

266. you need to be able to in-infer

267. what's be...

268. Look, I'll explain it to you later.

269. I think I'm just gonna...

270. I needed some time off.

271. Whoa. Hey, man, you can't

272. take a day off from kicking ass, okay?

273. Look, an Ass Kicker must be

274. present every day.

275. An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.

276. An Ass Kicker must avoid Thin Mints.

277. I know the rules, okay?

278. I don't need to...

279. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

280. I'm just gonna go.

281. You're just gonna go?

282. I mean...

283. I mean...

284. Okay, I'm taking the men with

285. me, and Frank's got the women.

286. Oh, cool. Are you an Ass Kicker now?

287. I'm an Ass Kicker now.

288. Sweet. All right. Who signed you up?

289. The dumb one. Oh, Tiny?

290. No, no, no. The one eating paint chips off the wall.

291. These taste like paint.

292. Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.

293. These are? Yeah.

294. Oh, they're delicious. Yeah, that's the good paint.

295. Let's go. All right, let's go.

296. Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing

297. some hammers.

298. Oh, you guys, it's so great

299. that you do construction.

300. I mean, this is just gonna be

301. easy— just slap a couple coats

302. of paint around, maybe a couple

303. of new doors.

304. You're gonna be in and out in a

305. few hours.

306. Yeah.

307. Oh!

308. Wow! Shit.

309. No wall!

310. That's... pretty awesome.

311. Okay, boys, let's get to work.

312. Yeah.

313. Look, I do construction for a living.

314. I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun

315. workout club— you know, like... CrossFit.

316. CrossFit.

317. Hey, man, you don't want to

318. take this seriously?

319. Hey, that's fine.

320. Why don't you give me those

321. stickers back, then?

322. Uh, no, I'm coming down with

323. a cold and I need mine.

324. Did you do, like, your

325. deer antler spray?

326. Some. But I'm running lower.

327. Have some of mine. Here.

328. All right, you know what, I

329. overreacted, boys.

330. I overreacted.

331. I snapped at you, and the Master

332. wouldn't like that.

333. And I'm sorry.

334. I think maybe this is my mission

335. and my calling, so why don't you

336. guys find some other mission and

337. I'll handle this one, okay?

338. Thanks, Charlie.

339. All right, cool. Good luck.

340. Thank you. Goddamn it, Charlie.

341. It's fine. You know, the guys

342. have been working their asses off.

343. I got this. Look.

344. Dee, the Master says fix it...

345. I'm gonna fix it.

346. Frank, is that you?

347. Missed you in there, pal.

348. Still pretty steamy, though, if

349. you want to hop in and...

350. What the hell's this?

351. Just watching a little TV.

352. Are those Thin Mints?

353. Oh, yeah, big-time, dude. I love these things.

354. I notice, uh... you're

355. looking a little out of shape there, bud.

356. I am?

357. Yeah. Yeah, and it's a shame, too,

358. because you've been looking so great lately.

359. So sexy. I was?

360. Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing.

361. To me, but, you know...

362. This disappoints you?

363. Yeah. What-what are you doing?

364. You taking a day off or something, is that okay?

365. I'm sure the Master allows for that, though, right?

366. Well, I'm not really sure about that.

367. Oh, you're not sure, yeah.

368. Did the Master not make that crystal goddamn clear?

369. In all those newsletters? Was that not clear?

370. I didn't... I didn't read into it like that.

371. Wow, wow.

372. I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you

373. guys have been telling me and...

374. Thin Mints, from what I

375. understand, that was a whole thing.

376. I think that was, like, rule number...

377. Oh, shit.

378. I... yeah.

379. I-I... I may have... I messed up

380. a little bit.

381. I hope he doesn't notice the

382. fat that I'm noticing sort of

383. accumulated all over.

384. But hey, maybe he won't notice.

385. I noticed, but maybe he won't.

386. Y-You don't think he would, or...

387. No, I think he will.

388. Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?

389. I'm just gonna grab this and

390. take it over here for a little

391. bit, okay?

392. Mmm.

393. and snap it back!

394. Bend and snap.

395. How's that neck, Cindy? Everything good?

396. How are the muscles? You feeling okay?

397. You may want to soak 'em a little bit.

398. Actually, I feel great. Oh, you feel great.

399. Frank, I'm in tremendous pain.

400. I'm not talking to you.

401. I'm talking to her.

402. I can't breathe.

403. Oh, she needs a cigarette break.

404. Could we stop, please?

405. I don't care what she needs.

406. I'm not talking to you.

407. Do whatever you want.

408. I'm trying to hurt her.

409. What?

410. Uh, well, it's... it... you

411. have to tear the fascial tissues

412. in order to tone the muscles properly.

413. According to the Master.

414. Oh. Okay.

415. So you bend and you snap.

416. But snap your head back.

417. Bend... you see it?

418. Frank... And snap!

419. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank. We need to talk.

420. Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep

421. working. Go ahead.

422. Yeah, okay, you got it.

423. Hey, listen.

424. We gotta make a bit of an adjustment.

425. Tiny and Jojo, they don't want

426. to do the construction, so I was

427. looking into what cults do to

428. force people into labor when the

429. mind tricks don't work, and one

430. of them was a personality test, right?

431. You basically just get a bunch

432. of dirt on people and you hold

433. it over their heads.

434. So, blackmail.

435. Yeah.

436. So this is a basic personality test.

437. It's really simple.

438. It just measures the amount of

439. guilt stressors that you're feeling.

440. You know, I took it, and I

441. just... it's changed my life.

442. Yeah, Dee, what... what are guilt stressors?

443. Oh, great question, great question.

444. Apparently, secrets and lies

445. lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys.

446. You know why? It impedes muscle development.

447. I have read that. Oh, really?

448. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's science.

449. Yeah, it's just basic science.

450. Oh, shit. Yeah. It does sound like good science.

451. So you guys just hang on to

452. that machine and talk about all

453. your regrets.

454. And what are regrets, again?

455. Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about.

456. Oh. Oh, okay. Uh, okay.

457. Do you want to... Yeah, I'll go.

458. Uh, Dee, where do my feet go?

459. Oh, it doesn't matter.

460. Okay, uh...

461. I ate a baby toad once. I'm not proud of it.

462. Uh, just kind of happened. It pains me to think about how

463. scared and confused it was and wondering, "Why am I not home,

464. and why am I in some sort of acid pond..."

465. Okay. "... that's burning my skin?"

466. And what if it was looking for its mother? It was just a baby.

467. Oh, yeah, I got an idea. How about we let one of these

468. guys, uh, give it a shot. Are you sure?

469. 'Cause I don't really feel better, but all right.

470. Oh, I'll go. Yeah. Where do my feet go, Dee?

471. Dee, his feet? >> It doesn't make a goddamn difference.

472. Okay. I ate a toad, too.

473. Oh, God. Really?

474. I did. Am I good, am I good?

475. Yeah, yeah. Do it again. Okay.

476. Go ahead.

477. Oh, I feel the burn.

478. Yeah, how's-how's the neck

479. feeling? How's the neck?

480. You know, it's not bad.

481. It's actually a little tight.

482. It's a little tight.

483. Well, how about if we hop in the healing pool...

484. Okay. and I'll give you some

485. touch therapy, so you don't seem

486. too weak for the Master.

487. Yeah. Yeah.

488. I don't suppose that could hurt.

489. No, that won't hurt.

490. Oh, shit.

491. Oh, hi.

492. The water's wonderful.

493. When did you get in here?

494. Oh, you don't mind that we

495. came in first, do you?

496. There's plenty of room.

497. No, how long are you gonna be?

498. Well...

499. Oh, man...

500. She thinks she has a tear

501. in her uterine wall, so it

502. might be a while. All right.

503. Let's-let's go...

504. I'm gonna go do a few more sets of KettlePops while, uh,

505. running the block a few times. Yeah, nice.

506. Don't want to disappoint the Master. >> Mm-hmm.

507. You want to come? Go, you go get yourself good

508. and banged up. Okay.

509. Oh, yeah... Guys, guys, guys, there's

510. been a mistake, a terrible mistake.

511. I got a new newsletter from the Master.

512. There's gonna be no more women,

513. no more Wolf Cola and no more

514. carpentry in Ass Kickers United.

515. This has all been a test

516. designed by the Master to figure

517. out who the true believers are.

518. I passed, you failed and that's

519. why I'm going to level two.

520. Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be

521. level two as well, but he'll be directly under me.

522. Wh-What? Where'd you get that from?

523. Uh, it was implied in the newsletter.

524. No. >> Well, how is Dennis in level two?

525. Or an Ass Kicker, for that matter?

526. Oh, he bought in.

527. He... bought in?

528. Come on, Ass Kickers, let's

529. get out of here before we're

530. tainted by these disgusting women.

531. All right. Crazy.

532. Cool!

533. Failed that test.

534. Go kick some ass, huh?

535. Go kick some ass!

536. Thought you could outmaster the

537. Master, idiots?

538. So you swayed 'em back.

539. Uh, whatever.

540. We can do that, too.

541. Dee, you think this is easy?

542. You need years of practice to

543. even sniff my talent for manipulation.

544. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

545. a cult that needs a charismatic leader.

546. Yeah.

547. Goddamn it, Frank.

548. Goddamn it! No.

549. No, we cannot let him get away

550. with this.

551. No, this is about something

552. different now, something much

553. more important.

554. Shit sandwich?

555. What? Why? What is that?

556. No. God.

557. No, this is about control now.

558. This is about control and it's

559. about beating Dennis.

560. I know exactly what we need to do.

561. Deandra, we're all set.

562. Yeah?

563. Yeah.

564. He's out?

565. He's lit.

566. I have so much alcohol, and I

567. gave him three bottles of Fight Milk.

568. Whoa. That's a lot.

569. Okay, you ready? Got your cards?

570. Okay.

571. Okay. Here we go.

572. Charlie.

573. Charlie.

574. Say it louder.

575. Charlie, wake up!

576. Huh?

577. What's... what's...

578. What's happening?

579. It is I... the Master!

580. Am I dreaming?

581. You're having a vision.

582. Am I peeing?

583. Uh... Is he peeing?

584. Just read the card.

585. You and the other Ass Kickers

586. must con... con...

587. What's that word? Congregate.

588. Congregate? What does that mean?

589. It doesn't matter. Just say it.

590. Congregate.

591. What does that mean?

592. Oh, God.

593. You know what? Just...

594. Hey, Charlie, hey.

595. Get all the Ass Kickers together

596. and meet at Mac and Dennis's

597. apartment, okay?

598. Lord Zolo is gonna get you on

599. the mother ship.

600. Lord Zolo?

601. Charlie... you've graduated

602. to the next level.

603. Congratulations.

604. And your reward is to get to

605. know all the secrets of the universe.

606. Yeah, there's just a few

607. things you have to do.

608. Okay.

609. I'll do them.

610. I'm peeing. Uh-oh.

611. Oh...

612. Okay, you guys, ready...

613. Holy shit!

614. Whoa! What the hell happened in here?

615. Hey, do you like it? Yeah, well, before Master Rex

616. said that we weren't supposed to do carpentry, I talked to Tiny

617. and Jojo and they got their construction crew in here.

618. There's a wall.

619. Oh, you're goddamn right there's a wall.

620. I'm good. Dennis is gonna shit his pants.

621. Yeah... why? What are you good at?

622. Good at my... I'm a good

623. person, and you know what?

624. It's time to... to do the plan

625. that the Master laid out, right?

626. I'm gonna take Tiny in the

627. other room and make the pods ready. Come on, Tiny.

628. You're so lucky. Oh, we got pods?

629. Yeah. Of course we got pods.

630. Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys

631. on that mother ship with him,

632. you need pods.

633. Am I right, Master?

634. Do-Do I get a pod?

635. Okay, guys, guys, guys...

636. We got a... wow. Holy shit.

637. That's a wall.

638. Yeah. This place looks great.

639. You're goddamn right this place looks great.

640. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty

641. impressive stuff, Dee, but,

642. uh... it doesn't seal the deal.

643. Guys, I've got an announcement to make.

644. Yeah, we've got some big news here.

645. The Master texted me while we

646. were on our way over here.

647. Oh, interesting.

648. Uh, I wonder how it's possible

649. that the Master could've texted

650. you when he's been here with us

651. the whole time.

652. Rex is the Master?

653. That makes so much sense.

654. Yep. Yes.

655. Oh, my...

656. Of course I know that Rex is

657. the Master, and of course I

658. would never question the word of

659. someone so... wise.

660. But I actually got a text from

661. the Supreme Overlord Master.

662. And that's Rex's master.

663. Oh, shit.

664. "Oh, shit," is right, you guys.

665. That's the... he's the big guy.

666. He sits right at the

667. tippy-tippy-top, and he made it

668. very, very clear to me that all

669. of you are going to need to...

670. commit suicide.

671. Tits! I knew it! The final circle.

672. Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on a second.

673. Can I please talk to you for just a quick second?

674. Sure, sure, sure. Now, why don't you guys get

675. yourselves all lathered up in lighter fluid and, uh, you're

676. gonna get ready to light yourselves ablaze.

677. Thank you, thank you! All right.

678. Thanks for trusting me. Yeah, of course.

679. I did it. I won.

680. I am the most charismatic leader.

681. I got Tiny to eat a shit sandwich.

682. Ugh!

683. Oh! Goddamn it!

684. I got him to eat a poopy.

685. You idiot!

686. I got these guys to think they

687. were going to another dimension.

688. I'm the winner.

689. Are you kidding me?

690. They were gonna light themselves

691. on fire for me.

692. I'm the winner. Oh...

693. Guys, guys, hang on a second.

694. The winner of what?

695. The... the Ass Kickers, okay?

696. The winner of the Ass Kickers.

697. It-it's mine, it's not theirs.

698. What?

699. It's mine, it's... the whole

700. thing's made up, I made it up.

701. Master Rex, is this true?

702. Oh, don't ask Rex. What...?

703. The fire is started.

704. Thank you so much for trusting me with this.

705. This is good-bye! No... goddamn it, no!

706. No, man, don't do it! Oh!

707. Run!

708. Hey! We'll get you some help, okay?

709. We'll call the fire department. Yeah.

710. Oh, God. Yeah.

711. And then we'll go to Dee's. Yeah, right?

712. No, no, can't we go anywhere else? >> No, Dee.

713. What if the Supreme Overlord tries to contact us?

714. He has to know where we are. Yeah, exact-exactly.

715. All right, well, at least he's on the mother ship now.

716. Yeah. >> Oh, my God! Unbelievable! Come on, let's go.

717. Good luck, Jojo!

718. Thank you!