It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 10x1

1. ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

2. plays)

3. Oh, yeah.

4. These are going down real smooth

5. now.

6. Dee, slow down.

7. You're on pace to drink 130

8. beers.

9. Don't ruin this for

10. me, Deandra.

11. This could be the last chance I

12. got to do something great in my

13. life.

14. You jerks are just all mad

15. 'cause I'm gonna be the one to

16. shatter Boss Hogg's drinking

17. record.

18. Dee, Boss Hogg was a

19. big, fat redneck from The Dukes

20. of Hazzard.

21. Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame

22. third baseman.

23. Yeah, it's Wade

24. Boggs's drinking record, okay?

25. The man's a legend.

26. He drank 50 beers on a

27. cross-country flight and then

28. absolutely destroyed the Seattle

29. Mariners the next day, okay?

30. That's why we're doing this, to

31. honor his memory, okay?

32. May he rest in peace.

33. First off, Wade Boggs is very

34. much alive.

35. Secondly, the number of beers is

36. actually highly disputed.

37. Some say 50, some teammates said

38. 60, some said as many as 70

39. beers.

40. Which, to be honest, is an

41. absolutely insane amount of

42. beer.

43. Nobody can drink that much.

44. Not with an attitude

45. like that.

46. Perhaps we're taking this a

47. little bit too seriously?

48. Absolutely we're not, okay?

49. The man is a legend.

50. That's why we're doing this, all

51. right?

52. To honor his memory.

53. Rest in peace, Wade.

54. Again, he is still alive.

55. Always sticking me with the

56. nerds.

57. Yes, ma'am?

58. Uh, actually, I can, uh,

59. handle this one.

60. We'll be sharing the in-flight

61. call system today.

62. Excuse me?

63. Oh, sorry, let me explain.

64. We're doing a Wade Boggs-type

65. thing, and that makes me sort of

66. the Commissioner Bud Selig of

67. the group.

68. Oh, you're the commissioner

69. now?

70. Well, somebody's gotta keep

71. the game fair and everybody

72. invested, okay, Dee?

73. He didn't win the chugging

74. contest.

75. Two more beers, please.

76. Actually, ma'am, we're about

77. to take off, so we're gonna need

78. you to stow your tray table.

79. Yay.

80. Let me take that and throw it

81. out for you.

82. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

83. Yeah, but just give me a second.

84. Okay? Just give me a second?

85. There you go.

86. Great.

87. Hold on. Hold on.

88. Ugh!

89. Ouch!

90. It's... really cold.

91. Damn, Dee...

92. Oh, God.

93. You really have to slow down a

94. little bit.

95. ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

96. plays)

97. Can I get you something to

98. drink?

99. Yeah, I'll just get a beer,

100. please.

101. Hey, Frank.

102. I'm a little concerned about

103. this frat boy over here.

104. There's only so many beers on

105. the flight.

106. I'll take care of him.

107. For you, sir?

108. Excuse me, miss?

109. Mm-hmm.

110. Um, actually, yeah... how

111. many beers are we allowed to

112. order at once?

113. I'm not sure.

114. No one has ever asked that

115. before.

116. Okay, great, so there's no

117. rule on that.

118. Uh, why don't you give me six,

119. then, please?

120. How about you make it an even

121. dozen?

122. How about I start you with

123. two apiece and then we just take

124. it from there?

125. Sure, if you want to be

126. lugging beers back and forth the

127. entire flight.

128. I guess that's, uh, up to you.

129. I'll be taking care of

130. everybody on the Boggs account.

131. Oh, and by the way, do you sell

132. condoms?

133. No, I'm afraid we don't.

134. Aw...

135. Yeah.

136. I'll have to figure something

137. else out.

138. Got it.

139. Thank you so much.

140. Hey... Frank.

141. Mm?

142. What's with the condom thing?

143. You think the Boggs record is

144. the only one I'm going for?

145. I'm gonna become the first-ever

146. member of the Air Sex Society.

147. Okay.

148. What is that?

149. That means I'm gonna be

150. plowing somebody in the bathroom

151. before this plane lands.

152. Right, but do you think you

153. just made that up?

154. Because that's already a thing.

155. It's called the Mile High Club.

156. People have been doing it since

157. planes have been around.

158. That name sucks.

159. I'll tell you what, though.

160. I will make you a bet that I

161. plow somebody on this fight,

162. somewhere other than the

163. bathroom, before we hit the

164. Great Lakes.

165. I'll take that bet.

166. Yeah?

167. Whoa, whoa.

168. Did I hear you guys talking

169. about a bet?

170. There's no betting, okay?

171. That compromises the integrity

172. of the game.

173. It's got nothing to do

174. with the Wade Boggs thing.

175. It doesn't matter, okay,

176. guys?

177. That's a rule, and as

178. commissioner, you have to obey

179. me.

180. Right, Commissioner.

181. Go get me another beer.

182. Okay, I will, but... not

183. because you told me to, but

184. because I'm commissioner and

185. that's my job.

186. You're on.

187. Pathetic.

188. 29... beers.

189. How can I help you?

190. Hmm? Oh.

191. Hey-oh!

192. This is my guy.

193. Yeah.

194. Hey, I got a couple more for

195. you, bud, so just grab 'em.

196. Oh, great.

197. Actually, while you're here,

198. could I have a rum and Coke,

199. please?

200. Uh, oh, uh... hold on one

201. second.

202. It's a beer-drinking contest,

203. Charlie.

204. No, that's cool, I'm still

205. doing the Boggs thing, but you

206. know what?

207. A stiff cocktail would go good

208. with my chicken, so...

209. Why are you filling up with

210. chicken?

211. Do you know anything about

212. Wade Boggs?

213. The man ate a chicken before

214. every game, all right?

215. That's why they called him the

216. Chicken Man.

217. Man batted.328 lifetime.

218. I'm sure he ate some rum and

219. Cokes, too, all right?

220. You just said "ate rum and

221. Cokes."

222. You're getting a little buzzed.

223. You shouldn't be drinking hard

224. alcohol.

225. No, I said one rum and Coke.

226. Just one, please.

227. Make it a double, though.

228. Hey-oh!

229. Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop,

230. What are you doing?

231. Why are you dancing around like

232. a jackass?

233. Wade Boggs would roll in his

234. grave if he could see your

235. behavior.

236. Wade Boggs is alive.

237. Huh?

238. He lives in Tampa, Florida.

239. He's in his early 50s.

240. And you... where did you come

241. from?

242. You were just passed out two

243. minutes ago.

244. I know it, I was, and then I

245. popped a couple of these babies.

246. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

247. What the hell are those, Dee?

248. Greenies. Uppers.

249. Vtt! Feel like I got a rocket

250. up my ass.

251. These guys find out

252. that you're taking

253. performance-enhancing drugs,

254. the integrity of the game

255. is completely compromised,

256. all right?

257. Shit.

258. As the Bud Selig of the

259. group, it's my job to quietly

260. sweep this under the rug before

261. anybody finds out.

262. You know, Commissioner, you

263. just... you kind of just lost

264. the chugging contest...

265. Go.

266. ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

267. plays)

268. Hey!

269. You know, I actually went to

270. school at the same college, your

271. alma mater, in 1966.

272. Yeah?

273. Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?

274. It's like...

275. Oh, that's nice of you.

276. Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.

277. Drink up.

278. Frank?

279. Did you just buy frat boy a

280. beer?

281. Don't worry about it.

282. I laced it with sleeping pills.

283. He's gonna be out like a light

284. in two minutes.

285. That is some diabolical shit,

286. dude.

287. Ow...!

288. So what's going on with the sex

289. moves?

290. I've been laying chum up and

291. down this plane.

292. Yeah, I-I know.

293. I've noticed.

294. Yeah, I've got my prey picked

295. out.

296. I'm just waiting for the right

297. moment to pounce.

298. What are you talking about?

299. You haven't moved an inch.

300. You're just drinking.

301. Oh, is that what you think?

302. Mm-hmm.

303. Frank, of the 206 passengers

304. on this flight, 98 of them are

305. women, but only one of them is a

306. suitable candidate: 44G.

307. Notice how she glances forlornly

308. at the empty seat next to her.

309. It was meant for someone

310. special.

311. And the tan line on her ring

312. finger suggests the wound is

313. still fresh, leaving her

314. vulnerable.

315. Furthermore, when we hit

316. turbulence earlier, she giggled,

317. telling me she's a bit of a

318. thrill seeker.

319. You think she offed the guy

320. and went on the run?

321. Pretty tough to lay low in a

322. dress like that.

323. Granted, it's not a particularly

324. remarkable garment.

325. It's from the J. Crew Spring 2012

326. collection.

327. Although, it is a bit much for

328. an airplane.

329. Furthermore, if she were

330. standing, you'd notice she's got

331. no panty line, giving me about

332. five extra seconds to enter her

333. swiftly before she realizes I am

334. not the answer to her problems.

335. I'll tell you my tastes lie a

336. little bit more in 39F.

337. No.

338. No, thank you, Frank.

339. No, her blouse is covered in

340. cigarette burns.

341. And I imagine underneath that

342. blouse, you'll find copious

343. amounts of road rash, probably

344. sustained in some sort of

345. off-roading accident, which

346. would also explain her limp.

347. Although, something tells me the

348. two are unrelated.

349. Either way, she's North Dakota

350. trash through and through and

351. far beneath a gentleman such as

352. myself.

353. Uh, miss?

354. Six more beers.

355. Hey-oh!

356. Ah, there we go. Yeah.

357. Hey, listen, Charlie?

358. Yeah.

359. I need you to start a

360. McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with

361. Dee.

362. Look, I think you're getting,

363. like, too worked up about this

364. thing.

365. Can we just drink the beer and

366. hang out, you know?

367. Well, here-here's the thing.

368. The game seems to be getting a

369. little bit off the rails.

370. Frank and Dennis are super

371. distracted and Dee is kind of

372. just running away with it.

373. Boggsy didn't drink six

374. gallons of beer because he was

375. obsessed with, like, breaking

376. some record.

377. You know what I mean?

378. He did it 'cause he was just,

379. like, thirsty, you know?

380. And looking to pass the time.

381. Yeah, but I can sell a

382. rivalry, all right?

383. What I can't sell is... 27

384. beers.

385. What-what am I gonna do with 27

386. beers?

387. Who-who cares about 27 beers?

388. We're not selling anything.

389. Like, I think you're taking

390. the commissioner thing way...

391. Look, you lost the chugging

392. contest, man.

393. It's not a big deal.

394. Why did you make me Bud Selig

395. if you didn't...?

396. Nobody did.

397. You just started saying that.

398. Look, I got empties for you.

399. Just take those and don't, like,

400. put so much pressure on

401. yourself over...

402. Attention, passengers.

403. This is your captain, Boss Hogg,

404. speaking.

405. And this cold slice of heaven is

406. my 40th beer of the afternoon.

407. So any of you dicknips think you

408. can slug it down faster than me,

409. you're welcome to get your fat

410. asses up here to try. Uh-uh!

411. Yeah, no.

412. Uh-uh!

413. Put your...

414. Uh-uh!

415. Oh, I'm gonna need that.

416. Ah, you... ruining

417. everything.

418. Okay.

419. The Boggs group is cut off.

420. What? Aw, dude.

421. That's not good.

422. I can't stop drinking now.

423. Damn it!

424. I'll probably die, dude.

425. I'm running low, too. Shit.

426. Okay, luckily I came prepared.

427. Oh, yeah?

428. Yeah.

429. Charlie, we're not on a

430. wide-body DC-10 for nothing.

431. Right. We bought tickets.

432. Well, yes, but we chose a

433. wide-body DC-10 on purpose.

434. That's what I was...

435. To get up in the sky.

436. Let me walk you through it.

437. I got a hundred extra beers in a

438. checked bag, okay?

439. Now, according to movies like

440. Executive Decision and

441. Passenger 57, there is a secret

442. hatch on every plane that allows

443. me to travel freely throughout

444. the aircraft.

445. Well, everybody knows that.

446. Yeah, so I just got to find

447. my right time to get down there.

448. I think you can probably go,

449. like, anytime, yeah.

450. Or just do it... just

451. right now, right?

452. This stewardess is, like,

453. not on the ball.

454. Okay, yeah.

455. ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

456. plays)

457. Oh!

458. Hey-oh!

459. Geez. Why isn't the door

460. locked, Frank?

461. I'm posting up.

462. Half the battle is getting them

463. to follow you to the bathroom.

464. This way, I'm sitting here.

465. It's like lambs to the

466. slaughter.

467. Aah! What's happening to me?

468. Some-something is wrong.

469. Ladies and gentlemen, if

470. there's a doctor on board,

471. please press your call button.

472. Something is wrong with me.

473. Dude, how many sleeping pills

474. did you give that kid?

475. I don't know— seven? 12?

476. 12?

477. Yeah! What? You told me to

478. take care of him.

479. I didn't tell you to

480. kill him.

481. Well, you better go do

482. something; otherwise they're

483. gonna have to make an emergency

484. landing and this whole thing's

485. gonna be screwed!

486. Ah, shit!

487. Uh, what seems to be the

488. problem here?

489. Are you a doctor?

490. Mantis Toboggan, MD.

491. You want this young man to live,

492. you're gonna have to give me

493. some aspirin, a roll of duct

494. tape, a bag of peanuts and four

495. beers.

496. Jackpot.

497. Shh.

498. Nice.

499. All right, here we go.

500. Speed it up a little bit,

501. honey?

502. Okay.

503. Ooh. Wow!

504. Yeah!

505. Oh, you really know your way

506. around.

507. Well, if I've learned

508. anything from films like

509. Executive Decision or Passenger

510. 57, there's always a way into

511. the cargo hold.

512. You're weird.

513. You have no idea.

514. Oh...

515. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

516. Nothing with my lips, all right?

517. Okay.

518. I don't want to do that with

519. you.

520. Mind if I take a pill?

521. Yeah, sure, take a pill.

522. All right, well, that's

523. happening.

524. Now, just do that.

525. That's a boy!

526. Is it really necessary to

527. restrain him like this?

528. You can never be too careful

529. with altitude sickness.

530. One time, this broad chewed

531. through the fuselage of a 747!

532. Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.

533. I inverted the bird and landed

534. her safely in an open field.

535. Okay, I'm sorry.

536. I'm gonna need to see some

537. identification.

538. You don't think I'm a pilot?

539. I don't think you're a

540. doctor.

541. That is a serious accusation!

542. You've had 14 beers.

543. You don't know that.

544. It's written on your shirt.

545. How would you like to go to

546. the bathroom with me?

547. I got to go.

548. You and me?

549. Well, Frank, I have

550. singlehandedly pushed the limits

551. of high-altitude eroticism.

552. You banged her?

553. Yeah.

554. What happened to the classy

555. broad?

556. Oh, happily married. Yeah.

557. Turns out she takes her ring off

558. when she flies 'cause her

559. fingers swell. Yeah.

560. But it-it's all good, Frank.

561. You know, hey, turns out Boggs,

562. he didn't hit it out of the park

563. every single time at bat.

564. Mm-hmm.

565. He just tried to get the ball

566. in play and hope that he could

567. squeak it through the hole.

568. And I just, uh, squeaked it

569. through multiple holes if you

570. know what I'm saying.

571. Don't you!

572. Ladies and gentlemen, please

573. fasten your seat belts as we

574. begin our initial descent into

575. North Dakota.

576. Oh, shit. Well, you know, you

577. heard the captain.

578. On your bike.

579. I wish I could just sit with

580. you.

581. Yeah. Hmm.

582. But, you know, there's already a

583. guy in the seat, so...

584. Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,

585. would you mind switching seats

586. so I could sit with my

587. boyfriend?

588. Thank you.

589. ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

590. plays)

591. Hello, Charlie.

592. Oh, shit!

593. You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!

594. I'm not a ghost, Charlie.

595. You're just hallucinating.

596. You've had over 30 beers, dude!

597. Uh, you did? Nice, man.

598. You know, your friend Mac

599. is right.

600. Oh, yeah?

601. I didn't win five batting

602. titles because it was fun.

603. Right.

604. I won it because I wanted to

605. be the best.

606. You see what I'm saying?

607. Nah, not really, man.

608. There's nothing more fun than

609. winning.

610. So, come on, drink up.

611. All right.

612. I'll have one with you. Yeah.

613. Nice! All right!

614. Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink!

615. All right. Cheers!

616. Howdy, Dee.

617. Well, what do you say, Boss?

618. Now, I know you're not

619. quitting on me.

620. I need you to keep drinking

621. those beers, so you can help me

622. stop them Duke boys from

623. spoiling all my crooked Hazzard

624. County schemes!

625. You got it, Boss Hoss.

626. All right!

627. Well, here we are— beautiful

628. North Dakota.

629. Hope you brought a coat 'cause

630. it looks cold as shit out there.

631. I don't live in North Dakota.

632. You're going to L.A.?

633. About 200 miles inland— the

634. Salton Sea.

635. My family has a tilapia farm

636. there.

637. Goddamn.

638. Good. Good for them.

639. Will you excuse me for a minute?

640. Sure.

641. Dennis, Dennis?

642. Huh?

643. Where you going?

644. Oh, uh, I mistook that girl

645. for Great Plains trash.

646. She's actually desert trash.

647. I should've picked up on the

648. multiple gecko tattoos, so

649. this-this is kind of on me.

650. Either way, I'd rather stay in

651. this barren wasteland of a state

652. than spend one more minute with

653. that filth.

654. I'll see you back in Philly.

655. Wait, wait, Dennis.

656. Don't go.

657. Now you can go.

658. Come on! Drink! Drink!

659. You guys can do it!

660. You guys are gonna make it!

661. I can't believe what we are

662. witnessing here.

663. We are making history here,

664. people!

665. We're making history!

666. Beer me, baby.

667. You're 40 beers back, bitch!

668. Just sit back and enjoy the

669. show.

670. Well, I'm tired of people

671. telling me what I can't do.

672. They say I can't drink on a

673. plane.

674. They say I can't bang on a

675. plane.

676. They'll say I can't be a pilot.

677. I can't be a doctor.

678. I'm gonna do it.

679. I'm gonna do it right in front

680. of your face.

681. I'm gonna chug 15 beers right

682. now.

683. Oh, that's so cold.

684. Beer's cold.

685. There's a...

686. All right.

687. Instant rebuff.

688. Just leave me here.

689. Okay, guys, here we go.

690. Almost there! Almost there!

691. Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!

692. Guys, we're at 70 beers.

693. That means one more to break the

694. record.

695. Come on.

696. Come on, you can do it!

697. Go! Chug it! Chug it!

698. Come on, come on, you can do it.

699. You can do it!

700. I believe in you!

701. Yeah!

702. Yeah, Dee, go!

703. I did it!

704. 71 beers! Holy shit!

705. I'm the king.

706. I'm the king, Boss Hoss.

707. But you're not done yet.

708. Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just

709. drink enough beer to kill a

710. horse.

711. He also suited up the next day

712. and went three for five, so

713. you're gonna have to do that.

714. I can do it, but just give me

715. the bat. I got game.

716. Yeah, totally.

717. All right, uh... where's Dee?

718. She took a ride on the

719. carousel.

720. What?

721. Okay, here we go, Charlie.

722. You got to go at least three for

723. ten, all right?

724. You ready?

725. I got all numbers.

726. Okay, I'm gonna put a little

727. mustard on this one, all right?

728. Give me the hot dog, baby!

729. All right.

730. Holy shit, dude!

731. You roped that!

732. It's Wade Boggs style!

733. Wow!

734. All right, give me another

735. one.

736. You know, that's the only

737. ball I have, and I didn't expect

738. you to hit it that far.

739. I really don't feel like going

740. to get it.

741. So, I'm the commissioner.

742. I say you did it!

743. Game on!

744. Yeah!

745. Hey, one for one— that's

746. batting a thousand, dude.

747. That's baseball, baby!

748. Yeah!

749. Nice work!

750. Yeah!

751. Hey, man?

752. Yeah?

753. California, USA.

754. Kind of gloomy, huh?

755. Yeah.

756. What do now?

757. Well, if we hurry up, we can

758. get back to the airport and get

759. a red-eye back to Philly.

760. They have chicken in Philly?

761. They got chicken, yeah!

762. Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?

763. Kluszewski, Campanella

764. Talkin' baseball

765. The Scooter, the Barber

766. and the Newc

767. to Dubuque

768. Especially Willie,

769. Hank Aaron was beginning

770. One Robbie going out

771. Kiner and Midget Gaedel

772. The Thumper and Mel Parnell

773. Captioned by

774. Media Access Group at WGBH