Inside Job 1x5

1. Mmm! Mmm!

2. Rockin' meatloaf, Mom.

3. Why, Brett, it's just the recipe I always use.

4. Yeah, meat and loaf.

5. - Meat and loaf.

6. Oh, Deany.

7. So, how's the job, son?

8. Well, I'm not really supposed to talk about it,

9. but I have made some awesome friends.

10. And I hear there's a girl.

11. Aw, Mom, it's not like that.

12. Reagan and I are just BFFs,

13. business friends forever.

14. - Brett!

15. What kind of sick shit are you doing in here?

16. The holo-chamber is not a toy.

17. It's for training simulations and official government sex stuff.

18. Sorry, Reagan.

19. It's just, with work, I've missed a lot of family dinners lately,

20. so this lets me bond virtually.

21. Family dinners?

22. I thought those were a myth made up by greeting-card companies,

23. like Christmas or saying "I love you."

24. It's like no one ever really connects face-to-face, you know?

25. Brett, Reagan, get out of the Sex-Deck. We've got a mission.

26. You weren't looking through my Sex-Deck history, were you?

27. - Good Lord, no. - No, no, no, no.

28. Ah, good.

29. - Wanna look through his Sex-Deck history? - Yeah, we got five minutes.

30. What's a pay pig?

31. Say hello to today's mission.

32. Jolt Cola? Lawn darts? Slap bracelets?

33. Son of a bitch! - What kind of mission is this, J.R.?

34. Are we assassinating a 1980s sleepover?

35. - Not directly.

36. - Still Valley, Wyoming.

37. In 1984, we tested our first mind-erasing chemicals there.

38. Unfortunately, they worked too well.

39. They've been mentally stuck in 1984 ever since,

40. which makes it the perfect place for us

41. to sell all of corporate America's recalled, outdated and dangerous products.

42. - Ow! Goddamn, these things are sharp.

43. We're trapping a town in the '80s to sell them recalled crap?

44. That is radically unethical.

45. Yes. Radically unethical!

46. God, my eyes are killing me.

47. Huh. Ray-Banned.

48. Anyhoo, every few years, we give them a fresh spritz

49. of a chemtrail called Nostalgia Max

50. to keep them bodaciously brain-damaged. That's what you'll be doing this week.

51. Here's the keys to the jet.

52. Hey, J.R., how about on this mission

53. we all really immerse ourselves in the 1980s?

54. No phones, no social media,

55. just a group of six-way best friends really connecting face-to-face.

56. Ugh, come on!

57. Sometimes I don't like talking to people.

58. - Fucking bullshit. - Wait, guys.

59. Brett's got a point, for the first time ever.

60. If '80s town catches us on a modern device,

61. it'll totally blow our cover.

62. Then it's settled. Get ready to have a great time in the past.

63. Oh shit, I should've said "blast in the past."

64. Everyone, pretend I said "blast in the past."

65. All right, everyone, hand over your devices.

66. - No. No, no, no! Not my Instagram!

67. You son of a bitch. I'll fucking murder you!

68. I know where you sleep! In the walls!

69. Look at all this stuff, Reagan. Doesn't it just bring you back?

70. Koosh. Koosh. Koosh.

71. Oh, I don't know dick about '80s pop culture.

72. My dad threw out the TV to make me focus on science.

73. Weird Science?

74. Yeah. Wait, if that's a reference to something, I don't get it.

75. Aw, this stuff is making me nostalgic

76. for a time in my life when acid-wash wasn't just a way to get rid of a body.

77. Come on, guys, the '80s were a garbage decade.

78. We only idealize the past

79. because our brains distort our memory of it.

80. Hey, there is nothing wrong with my brain—

81. Oh my God, I had these exact scented markers!

82. Ooh!

83. Take me away, cosmic berry blast.

84. Why do you care about this stuff? Weren't you born in the '90s?

85. Yeah, but I always felt like a slightly older soul.

86. Also the '80s had the best TV show ever,

87. The Growing Years. That was my family's Sunday night ritual.

88. Didn't that little brother from that show become a drug addict?

89. Yes. Yes, he did.

90. But not until the '90s.

91. At least someone got in the spirit of this mission.

92. How about a game of Simon?

93. I'm not taking orders from some disco-ass hubcap.

94. Wait, Myc, did you smuggle modern-day technology

95. onto our 1980s group-bonding/mass-hypnosis mission?

96. Brett, I'd lie to you, but I just don't respect you enough.

97. Ah, sweet screen time.

98. You're my real friends, hate-filled strangers.

99. Approaching Still Valley!

100. - Chemtrails locked and loaded. - Lowering altitude, raising attitude.

101. Venting Nostalgia Max in T-minus three.

102. Guys, I wanna make a toast.

103. To us, 'cause when we all get together…

104. Whoa!

105. …good things happen.

106. It's okay. I have parachute pants.

107. Shit, these things are fucking worthless.

108. Myc! - Oh God, Myc!

109. Fuck, we have to go down there and get him.

110. If he's seen, he could blow a decades-long operation

111. and cost us a fortune.

112. Glenn, take us down outside of town.

113. Leave no mushroom behind.

114. I can feel it, guys. This is gonna be the best summer ever.

115. Whatever happens, we'll always be best friends.

116. - Did you hear that? - Yeah.

117. It sounds like Ashley's mom getting humped.

118. - It does not. - Guys, look.

119. Oh shit. Whoa.

120. Ah! What the fuck? My stem!

121. Where am I?

122. It's… it's…

123. An alien.

124. I'm Kevin. This is Earth.

125. Do you have a name?

126. I… I don't know.

127. All I remember is a gigantic sense of my own self-worth.

128. According to my junior pocket encyclopedia,

129. he has amnesia.

130. Guys, we gotta take him back to my house and help him get his memory back.

131. Yeah. It's the code of the summer friends.

132. Summer friends!

133. Yeah, I like what this asthmatic virgin has to say.

134. - What? Take me to a couch!

135. I don't get it. He should have landed right here.

136. Myc, you out here, buddy?

137. - Well, I guess we tried. - Look, bike tracks.

138. Small bikes.

139. Kids or possibly Vietcong.

140. Great, we're officially government agents

141. looking for a lost extraterrestrial kidnapped by children.

142. - Like that classic movie, Mac and Me.

143. This is bad, guys.

144. If Myc gets exposed, J.R. will make us exterminate the whole town.

145. No one wants that, except maybe Glenn.

146. Just keeping our options open.

147. We can't let a whole town get killed on our watch.

148. We'll get fired. Or promoted? I can never remember how evil we are.

149. I can't track Myc's smartwatch without my phone.

150. Quick, what's the most advanced computing technology we have?

151. Okay, fork it over.

152. Reagan says find Myc, and do not let anyone see you.

153. Goddamn it. Fucking '80s owl.

154. Global warming will take care of you.

155. Ah.

156. Still Valley, where Ronald Reagan is always president

157. and Me Too was just the answer to, "Who else wants to go to Bennigan's?"

158. Okay, split the town into quadrants and search on foot,

159. while I try to rig a tracker for the signal for Myc's watch.

160. Well, some pretty gnarly driving there, huh?

161. What are you guys, the A-Team?

162. - What's the A-Team?

163. - She don't know The A-Team? - Who wouldn't know The A-Team?

164. Of course she knows the most popular show on television,

165. which we all watch together as a family,

166. which we are.

167. - A family, Brett? It's the perfect plan.

168. We'll go undercover as an '80s family, earn the town's trust, and locate Myc.

169. That's convoluted and wacky. It'll never work.

170. Works for me. I hope you guys like the '80s,

171. 'cause that's what the temperature's gonna be all week.

172. Ah, I still can't believe we were able to buy a 1980s family home

173. with the cash in our wallets.

174. Why are baby boomers so mad all the time?

175. We don't know.

176. Look, we're just staying in this house as a cover while we hunt for Myc.

177. - Now, let's get this over with. - I have undercover roles for everyone.

178. Glenn, you'll be the dad,

179. a gruff yet lovable teacher at the high school.

180. You can grill your students for info.

181. A Guantanamo for teenagers? I love it.

182. Gigi, you'll be our mom/editor of the local paper.

183. Snoop that gossip.

184. A baby and a briefcase? I want it all.

185. Andre, you'll be a local Chinese restaurant owner.

186. I'm Korean.

187. And, Reagan, we're fraternal twins. I'll be the boy.

188. Fine. Let's just go investigate wherever normal kids hang out.

189. I wanna say welding-parts store.

190. Oh, sweet emotionally abused Reagan.

191. We're going to the mall.

192. '80s wipe!

193. - Okay, it's safe to come out now.

194. Ugh.

195. I'm Kevin, kind of a regular kid.

196. That's Charlie, a girl with a boy's name.

197. Ashley, a boy with a girl's name.

198. And that's Lamar.

199. But my friends call me O.J., after my hero.

200. Yeah, I can't remember why, but I'm not gonna do that.

201. - Do you have a name? I'm not sure.

202. The last thing I can remember is getting needled

203. by a bunch of inferior beings.

204. Needles?

205. The government must have been experimenting on him.

206. Myc, this is your reminder to renew your subscription to…

207. …MrSkin.com.

208. Whoa!

209. This must be a device to communicate with his home planet of… Bukkake?

210. Maybe some food will help him get his memory back.

211. Oh Jesus, what are you feeding me? Licorice rabbit turds?

212. You dickheads trying to poison me or something? Fucking shit!

213. I'm learning so many new alien words.

214. God, I'm bored!

215. Where'd that hot mom go? Is dad in the picture?

216. I'm getting a joint-custody vibe off of you. Am I right?

217. Oh, so this is where Cognito unloads

218. all the hazardous products they can't sell anymore.

219. Introducing new Tylenol eZ Cap,

220. with a cap so loose even a baby could swallow it.

221. This is the life, eh, Reag?

222. People shopping in actual stores.

223. And instead of smartphones, filthy pay phones.

224. Well, yeah, but we have same-day delivery, Wi-Fi,

225. and phones that we never have to actually talk on.

226. Where's Andre?

227. Oh my God, that accent.

228. I've never been with an Oriental guy.

229. Okay, I'm trying to decide

230. if you're hot enough to get away with saying that.

231. Bow. What's your name?

232. It's Doc—

233. Uh, I… I…

234. I mean Duck… Duck Peking.

235. Ah fuck!

236. - What the hell was that?

237. Sorry.

238. Oh, maybe I can turn these hoop earrings into weapons

239. and torture information out of someone.

240. No. We're doing this together.

241. Dude, what is your deal?

242. You have been super clingy ever since we got here.

243. Because in the '80s everyone has a clique.

244. Nerds, jocks…

245. …evil mayors who wanna tear down the rec center.

246. Hey, we need our own group name.

247. How about the Brett Pack?

248. When would we even use that?

249. Brett Pack never says die.

250. All right, I'm your new history teacher, Mr. Dolphman.

251. O Captain, my Captain!

252. Knock it off!

253. All right, jibber-jabber,

254. which one of you delinquents is secretly harboring a talking mushroom?

255. We're not answering any questions from adults,

256. not until this town lifts the ban on dancing.

257. Eh, not sure how or why an entire town could ban dancing,

258. but I don't like your attitude!

259. Eat my shorts.

260. You gunning for detention?

261. Mr. Dolphman, are you physically striking a student?

262. Uh, well, uh…

263. Let me give you my belt.

264. Beating lessons into kids is very socially acceptable these days.

265. God bless this decade!

266. All right, you ink-stained desk jockeys, let's break some news.

267. - I said wake the hell up!

268. We've got a missing persons case,

269. and it's the biggest thing to ever happen in this sleepy-ass town.

270. I don't know, we had a big story last year.

271. The hell? Are you kidding me with this crap?

272. Don't worry, boss. It'll run first thing Sunday

273. if there aren't too many coupons.

274. - Oh yeah, coupons are a big thing. - Everyone uses coupons.

275. How could '80s news be so slow? I thought you were all on cocaine.

276. On a reporter's salary?

277. Uh, not unless there's some cheap, new, smokable version

278. we don't know about yet.

279. Hook me up.

280. Listen, where I'm from,

281. the news is inflammatory opinions that even the reporters don't believe.

282. Grab your laptops. Write this down.

283. Opinion one. Blind people shouldn't be allowed to have dogs.

284. Opinion two. Only blind people should be allowed to have dogs.

285. Are you getting this down? 'Cause Gigi is on a roll, baby.

286. So how was everyone's day?

287. Exhausting.

288. I had to make up a whole 24-hour news cycle

289. out of thin air.

290. I had to jam their info with so much 'tainment.

291. I had to stay three hours late

292. to supervise the brats I sent to detention,

293. but then they kept coming of age!

294. Come on, it's not all bad. Right, Andre?

295. This town is racist as hell. Everyone keeps bowing at me.

296. A kid challenged me to a karate fight,

297. and every time I say anything, somebody rings a gong.

298. Who are you?

299. You know what I'm hearing?

300. A lot of feelings.

301. And we never open up like this at work. Right, Reagan?

302. - Huh?

303. Booyah. While the rest of you guys were playing house,

304. I MacGyvered together a homing device.

305. Just like the TV show.

306. - What TV show?

307. Lock on Myc!

308. Let's go grab him and get the fuck out of this one-decade town.

309. No, we were supposed to watch Growing Years as a family.

310. The season premiere's on tonight.

311. Brett, it aired 40 years ago. When we get home, you can stream it.

312. You can't stream me back to my childhood!

313. - Okay, I see what's going on.

314. This wasn't a plan to find Myc.

315. It was your weird plan to spend more time in fantasyland.

316. It's just everything is so much better here.

317. Listen, Brett, someone has to tell you this.

318. - Nostalgia is bullshit.

319. It is a brain-worm that makes adults regress into children

320. who argue about Ghostbusters while the world fucking burns.

321. Hey, don't say things about Ghostbusters you can't take back.

322. - Ghostbusters… - Don't.

323. - …is fucking… - Don't you dare.

324. - …stupid.

325. You never enjoyed anything as a kid,

326. so you can't understand how much this stuff means to me.

327. Brett, you can stay here in the past if you want,

328. but we're gonna find Myc with or without you.

329. I can't believe we came out of the same womb!

330. - We didn't.

331. Mmm, mmm, mmm. I thought I raised you better than this.

332. And that's how you smoke and drink at the same time.

333. - Is your memory back yet? Almost, yeah. Uh.

334. Why don't you grab another Bartles & Jaymes

335. and see if that does the trick?

336. Oh, and tell whoever decorated this room

337. that it looks like a TGI fucking Fridays.

338. Kevin, I don't think Myc is actually nice.

339. He keeps eating all your Zoobooks and punching holes in the walls.

340. I don't think he's punching.

341. Ooh.

342. And I don't wanna make a big thing of it, but he called me Leroy twice

343. and Tyrone once.

344. I don't know, guys. What if the government finds him?

345. Maybe President Reagan will give us a medal.

346. Reagan.

347. Reagan? Why does that name annoy the crap out of me?

348. Nah, lost it.

349. Main kid, go get your hot mom's car keys. We're going to the liquor store.

350. No. All you've done is take advantage of us.

351. According to my junior pocket encyclopedia,

352. you're a dick.

353. Fine, I was leaving anyway.

354. Put me back in your bike basket and bring me back where you found me.

355. - Well? - You can walk to the bikes.

356. Oh, your Earth atmosphere, it's like poison.

357. Carry me!

358. Yeah, that's right.

359. Carry me, you swine.

360. Okay, Brett, it's no big deal.

361. You just wanna stay here a little longer with your friends.

362. Just a couple spritzes of Nostalgia Max,

363. and they will love it here as much as you do.

364. Oh no. No, no.

365. Fuck!

366. Okay, a full tank of Nostalgia Max

367. mixed with banned '80s products full of dangerous chemicals.

368. What could go wrong?

369. Did I do that?

370. Yes! Yes, I did!

371. Okay, this is it.

372. Vietcong stronghold.

373. Damn it. This was Myc's last location.

374. He must have left tracks.

375. Man, maybe I was too harsh on Brett.

376. I just don't get why he's so obsessed with this decade.

377. He is clearly going through something.

378. He said he wanted to be streamed back to his childhood.

379. I've known POWs with a better grip on reality.

380. I thought it was another one of his weird '80s references.

381. - I mean, what the hell is a Koosh ball? - How would you know?

382. You've never watched anything from the '80s.

383. And it's not about what a Koosh is. It's what a Koosh means.

384. How do I make it up to him?

385. Like most white dudes,

386. the only way to bond with Brett is to watch '80s movies

387. then quote them instead of thinking of jokes yourself.

388. - Go. We'll keep looking.

389. And if I see one goddamn rewind fee…

390. - Thanks, Glenn. They grow up so fast.

391. Good evening, ma'am. It's Super Saver Night.

392. - What do you want to see? - Everything.

393. I wanna super save my friendship.

394. Listen, I don't need to know your whole deal.

395. Okay, I memorized your whole must-see list,

396. but I still don't get why Brett is so wrapped up in this stuff.

397. - I'm sorry I went in your room, Mitch.

398. I just wanted to be like my big brother.

399. You're my hero, Mitch.

400. Aw!

401. The hell? That family looks just like—

402. The Weavers. The heartwarming family from TV's The Growing Years.

403. Yeah, meat and loaf.

404. Oh my God. That family in the hologram wasn't his family.

405. It was this '80s sitcom family.

406. I'm not sure who we're talking about.

407. Yeah, welcome to my fucking world.

408. Don't you forget about me.

409. Where is my Brett Pack?

410. Faster.

411. I thought you kids were hopped up on milk hormones and grape juice.

412. I'm pedaling as fast as I can.

413. Seriously? No wonder your dad left.

414. - That's it!

415. - Fuck you, Myc!

416. You ruined the magic of childhood.

417. I hope you get mutilated by the government, asshole!

418. Oh, the signal's back. It's coming toward us really quickly.

419. It's like he's right on top of us.

420. Found him.

421. I remember everything.

422. It's you guys.

423. I hate you guys.

424. Wait, there's one missing.

425. - Oh my God. Brett!

426. Yeah, Brett.

427. That big, dumb pussy with all the Mormon energy.

428. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

429. Oh my God! Oh shit!

430. I am the mighty Nostalgia Max!

431. Bow before my totally tubular power!

432. - It's the chemtrails! - He must have gotten an overdose.

433. He's turned into some kind of nostalgia monster!

434. I'm Lester Majors live in Town Square.

435. - Ow!

436. Oh no, you don't, Lester. This is my scoop.

437. Pandemonium tonight as some kind of nostalgia monster attacks Town Square.

438. Are your children going to die?

439. If you change that channel, they just might.

440. Brett, float down here right this second.

441. Wha'choo talkin' 'bout, Glennis?

442. Where's the beef? Where's the beef?

443. - Where's the beef? - Don't let him spray you.

444. You'll become a stunted man-child like Chris Hardwick!

445. - Oh God. - We're staying in the '80s forever!

446. It will be radical!

447. Say hello to my little friends.

448. - Don't let them leave.

449. Holy shit!

450. The cow says die!

451. Pull me up, pull me up!

452. Oh God! It's Ready Player One all over again!

453. Brett, what's with your whole Firestarter, Slimer vibe?

454. It's a little derivative.

455. How much time did you spend at Blockbuster?

456. Enough to make this.

457. I didn't know violence could end badly.

458. Tragic, dead at 40.

459. Hey, fuck you.

460. Brett, listen. I know why you're doing this.

461. I get it now.

462. All this junk was important to you

463. because you were using a fake family to make up for your crappy one.

464. Am I right?

465. I… I…

466. Fight it, Brett. Think of your real family.

467. Family photo. Everybody crowd in, come on.

468. My kids, they're champions.

469. - Except for Brett. Which one's Brett?

470. Master Brett, your parents called.

471. They'll be extending their trip to Barbados one more week.

472. But tomorrow's my birthday.

473. Indeed.

474. Are my brothers coming?

475. They send their best from military school and rehab, respectively.

476. Will there be anything else?

477. No, I'm okay.

478. You're my hero, Mitch.

479. Aw!

480. I just want…

481. Wanted a… a loving family.

482. Hey, I get it, man. My family was dogshit too.

483. But you don't need a fake family when you've got real BFFs.

484. - My BFFs?

485. We're your business family forever.

486. Yeah, all right!

487. This just in, all the white people are hugging.

488. It really is the fucking '80s.

489. Whoa, I really got hit hard with nostalgia.

490. I'm so sorry, guys.

491. I guess I got carried away by this fake '80s town.

492. But I'm ready to go back to the 2020s.

493. Wait a minute. Fake '80s town?

494. - And what did you mean by 2020s?

495. Are you from the future?

496. Uh, yes, let's go with that.

497. - We'll see you guys in 30-something years. - Wait, can we use your time machine?

498. We want to go back to the one perfect decade, the 1950s.

499. - Huh. I guess everybody's nostalgic

500. for a simpler time that never really existed.

501. And the word "Chinese" just meant "generally Asian."

502. I really fucking hate this town.

503. - Goddamn it!

504. Oh hey, virgins.

505. Kevin, Charlie, fat kid, Tyrone.

506. Man, come on.

507. I guess you'll be going back to your home planet.

508. It's actually a brownstone in Alexandria.

509. But don't worry, Kevin.

510. That's for throwing me off a cliff, you little bastard.

511. You know, Brett, you weren't totally wrong.

512. This decade did bring us accidentally closer together.

513. Hey, I've got an idea for when we get back.

514. - Family dinner. What are we watching? - Boom.

515. Can you believe Goonies was only 6.99?

516. Thoroughly, yes.

517. Ah.

518. - Everything you remember?

519. Even better.

520. So is their disabled brother just straight up chained to a wall?

521. Huh. Wow, yeah, that's…

522. That hits different today.