1. Well, that's the last of Dad's stuff.Copy !req
2. It doesn't spark joy,
which is why I'm getting rid of it.Copy !req
3. It's the same reason
I got rid of your father.Copy !req
4. Jesus, Mom, harsh.Copy !req
5. - Are you talking about me?Copy !req
6. I'm not dealing with this!Copy !req
7. I'm filled with light and love.Copy !req
8. Light and love, asshole!Copy !req
9. Oh, the hell you are!Copy !req
10. Okay, I kind of get it.Copy !req
11. Luckily, divorcing your father this year
has finally given me timeCopy !req
12. to transform my pain into art.Copy !req
13. "Knight of Passion,
a sexventure by Tamiko Ridley."Copy !req
14. "One woman's erotic personal journeyCopy !req
15. divorcing her narcissist husbandCopy !req
16. and dealing with a daughter
with Asperger's."Copy !req
17. Wait, what the hell?
You think I have Asperger's?Copy !req
18. - No.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
19. See, you couldn't tell I was lying.Copy !req
20. You ought to look that condition up.
It gets worse over time.Copy !req
21. Ciao, darling!Copy !req
22. How was she? Did she look unhappy?Copy !req
23. How fulfilled did she look, physically?Copy !req
24. She's still Mom,Copy !req
25. undercutting my confidence
in ways I didn't know existed.Copy !req
26. Man, what is all this stuff?Copy !req
27. My old inventions.Copy !req
28. Remember that robot
teddy bear I invented for you?Copy !req
29. And here's
that pair of walkie-talkie headgear.Copy !req
30. Remember your third grade photo?Copy !req
31. Ugh! Dad, I can't keep track
of every traumatizing thing you invented.Copy !req
32. What's this?Copy !req
33. Eh. Probably a garage door opener.Copy !req
34. Three, two, one.Copy !req
35. Sorry I'm late.
I've dealt with nuclear standoffsCopy !req
36. less stressful than my parents' divorce.Copy !req
37. - Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken.Copy !req
38. You look like if Steve Buscemi
made it with Steve Buscemi. You okay?Copy !req
39. Guys, I'm honestly fine.Copy !req
40. I've been channeling my stress
into this scream bagCopy !req
41. and into my latest invention.Copy !req
42. Behold, the Productivitron.Copy !req
43. Oh God, robot arms!
- Christ Almighty!Copy !req
44. I'm still working out the kinks,Copy !req
45. but it's a set of bio-cranial robot arms
that will increase my productivity 600%!Copy !req
46. Now I can simultaneously finish paperwork,
ignore my dad's texts,Copy !req
47. and, you know,
strangle anyone who crosses me, I guess.Copy !req
48. Every day you edge closer
to becoming a supervillain.Copy !req
49. Oh God, what's that?Copy !req
50. Is it a nuclear disaster?Copy !req
51. No, it's even worse! It's a PR disaster!Copy !req
52. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is a 13-alarm crap fire.Copy !req
53. I accidentally hit "reply all"
to a company-wide emailCopy !req
54. where I made
a very un-PC joke about reptoids.Copy !req
55. - Question. What is reptoids?Copy !req
56. Oh, just your classic
shape-shifting lizard peopleCopy !req
57. that live in secret amongst humanity.Copy !req
58. Mm-hmm.
We're talking politicians, celebrities.Copy !req
59. Madonna's an iguana?Copy !req
60. Reptoids provide
a lot of our company's funding,Copy !req
61. and in exchange, we prevent the world
from doing anything about global warmingCopy !req
62. to keep them at their preferred body heat.Copy !req
63. The system works.Copy !req
64. If we wanna keep this year's funding,Copy !req
65. we need to kiss ass
at their annual Reptoid GalaCopy !req
66. to get them to sign this contract.Copy !req
67. It's being held
at their stronghold at Yale.Copy !req
68. Ah, I remember my days at Yale.Copy !req
69. I was the most popular guy in my frat.Copy !req
70. They hazed me every year.Copy !req
71. - Sounds like they hated you?Copy !req
72. Nice haze burn, Andre.
You must really like me.Copy !req
73. Do I have to go?Copy !req
74. Follow-up question.
Do I have to wear a dress?Copy !req
75. Follow-up to the follow-up.
Does it have to be a stain-free dress?Copy !req
76. No, you can't recycleCopy !req
77. your old Space Jam prom dress
yet again, Reagan.Copy !req
78. This is serious.Copy !req
79. What? That dress is awesome.Copy !req
80. And if you don't agree, you're a Mon—Copy !req
81. Monstar. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
82. Normal dress!Copy !req
83. And for the love of God, comb your hair.Copy !req
84. It's a sign of respect.Copy !req
85. Why should we give
those reptoid freaks respect?Copy !req
86. Half-man, half-animal. They're disgusting!Copy !req
87. Easy, big guy. Have a mackerel.Copy !req
88. Glenn, that's exactly the kind
of no-no talk that could end our funding,Copy !req
89. which is why I've signed you all up
for reptoid sensitivity training.Copy !req
90. Training? Hell yeah.Copy !req
91. Who's ready to get some reps in?Copy !req
92. Oh no.Copy !req
93. Is "reps" offensive to say?Copy !req
94. Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Inhuman Resources.Copy !req
95. I'm Mr. Mothman.Copy !req
96. I'm a Mothman.Copy !req
97. Let's talk about reptoids.Copy !req
98. Be sure to follow these dos and don'ts
to avoid a diplomatic incident.Copy !req
99. Do offer them a cricket,
mouse, or vole out of your pocket.Copy !req
100. Fun fact about voles,Copy !req
101. a vole ate my father.Copy !req
102. Don't use loaded phrases like "hissy fit,"Copy !req
103. or "see you later, alligator."Copy !req
104. Got it. Be respectful.
So when do we talk about the orgies?Copy !req
105. - Boo!
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
106. What? Everyone knows
reptoids have orgies.Copy !req
107. This is okay to say in here, right?Copy !req
108. This is an HR meeting!Copy !req
109. Andre, Myc, shut the hell up,
or I will castrate you.Copy !req
110. Ha! Good luck figuring out
which one of my tentacles is a dick.Copy !req
111. Trick question, it's all of them.Copy !req
112. As a final training step,Copy !req
113. we're gonna practice
the traditional reptoid greeting,Copy !req
114. a firm, nonsexual hug to transfer warmth.Copy !req
115. Hugs! This is my jam.Copy !req
116. Hug? Like, with… with our bodies
touching other people's bodies?Copy !req
117. Mmm. Oh that's nice.Copy !req
118. Mmm. Huh, back for seconds?Copy !req
119. - You okay, Reagan?
- Yeah, I'm… I'm just… I'm… I'm fine.Copy !req
120. I'm ju… I'm practicing a hug
that a normal person would do.Copy !req
121. What was that?Copy !req
122. I… I don't know.Copy !req
123. Elliot Mothman,
you need to finish your master'sCopy !req
124. and get the fuck out of this office.Copy !req
125. Brett, congratulations.Copy !req
126. As the one person
who didn't assault anyone,Copy !req
127. physically or sexually, in that meeting,Copy !req
128. I want you to give the ceremonial toast
at the gala tonight.Copy !req
129. Nice!Copy !req
130. And, Reagan,
whatever this problem is, fix it.Copy !req
131. We can't risk an episode like this
in front of the reptoids.Copy !req
132. I am so sorry about that.
I don't know what came over me.Copy !req
133. My body just auto-punched
when I felt that hug close in.Copy !req
134. I'm done listening now.
What the hell is wrong with me?Copy !req
135. Yeah, not gonna lie, even for you,
that's Reaganier than usual.Copy !req
136. Maybe you should tell J.R.
you're gonna sit this one out.Copy !req
137. Brett, I'm going to this goddamn party.
I'm gonna figure this out and proveCopy !req
138. that I am not the socially inept weirdo
that everyone thinks I am.Copy !req
139. Diggity denial. I love it.Copy !req
140. Bullshit, lies, slander!Copy !req
141. This novel is
all thinly veiled horny criticismCopy !req
142. of our lives.Copy !req
143. Oh, you found Mom's book.Copy !req
144. Listen to this.Copy !req
145. "Lord Randrew was a terrible husband
and an even worse father."Copy !req
146. Me? A bad dad?Copy !req
147. Would a bad dad make his little girl this?Copy !req
148. Ugh. Why are you putting
that horror show back together?Copy !req
149. To set the record straight.
I took care of your every need,Copy !req
150. and I have a whole box
of inventions to prove it.Copy !req
151. Look at this!
Boy-repelling pheromone spray, huh?Copy !req
152. Who needs birth control now?Copy !req
153. The Britney Spears perfume you gave me
was literal boy repellent?Copy !req
154. Yep. See? Any time you had a problem,
I invented something to fix it.Copy !req
155. "Invented something to fix it."Copy !req
156. This place smells like
Teslas and inbreeding.Copy !req
157. Ooh, boy.Copy !req
158. This fungi
is ready for fun, guys!Copy !req
159. What was that?Copy !req
160. Nothing.
Who's ready to partay?Copy !req
161. Now, remember, everyone,
we need that contract, so no slipups.Copy !req
162. Don't point and stare.
Don't touch their throat sacs.Copy !req
163. And if a lizard asks you your favorite
Hogwarts house, what do you say?Copy !req
164. Slytherin!
- Hufflepuff. I mean, Slytherin.Copy !req
165. Oh, honey, you ain't fooling anybody.Copy !req
166. Password.Copy !req
167. Oh hell, it's something in Latin, I think.Copy !req
168. Uh, dra… draconius pluribus… I don't know.Copy !req
169. Look, here's how much money's
in my bank account.Copy !req
170. Welcome.Copy !req
171. - Welcome to the other side.Copy !req
172. You wanna talk about connections?
These preptiles literally have blue blood.Copy !req
173. This is incredible.Copy !req
174. I can't believe who's secretly a reptoid.Copy !req
175. Anderson Cooper? Taylor Swift?Copy !req
176. So the song "Shake It Off" was about
how I shed my skin every thousand years,Copy !req
177. and the song "Bad Blood" was aboutCopy !req
178. how I drink blood
out of my Grammys.Copy !req
179. A toast to blood!Copy !req
180. Save some blood for Paul Rudd!Copy !req
181. So that's why Paul Rudd never ages.Copy !req
182. Oh, oh, look. Sex masks. It's happening.Copy !req
183. Reagan, did you take care
of your hug problem?Copy !req
184. - Let's just say I've got it in the bag.Copy !req
185. Unless you have 30 years of therapy
in there, I'm skeptical.Copy !req
186. I'm going to find the diplomats.
Brett, practice your speech.Copy !req
187. Glenn, don't say anything racist.Copy !req
188. Gigi, make sure Glenn
doesn't say anything racist.Copy !req
189. Just like Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special.Copy !req
190. - Got it.Copy !req
191. And Reagan…Copy !req
192. Reagan?Copy !req
193. Prepare to interact socially.Copy !req
194. Reaction hologram on.Copy !req
195. I am reacting appropriatelyCopy !req
196. to the thing you just said.
Small talk acknowledged.Copy !req
197. Eh, that's a bit much.
But these work!Copy !req
198. Ha ha! Who's an antisocial weirdo now?Copy !req
199. Not the girl who invented robot arms
to hug strangers.Copy !req
200. Oh my God, I sound insane.Copy !req
201. Ah, Yale. I've gone from public streaker
to public speaker.Copy !req
202. If only my frat brothers could see me now.Copy !req
203. Handjob?Copy !req
204. PJ? Skwoo?Copy !req
205. Up, down, roofie, roofie,Copy !req
206. become a Supreme Court justice.Copy !req
207. And nut punch!Copy !req
208. Oh man, I haven't been punched
in the nuts in years.Copy !req
209. What are you two doing here?Copy !req
210. Don't you know this event is for…Copy !req
211. …izard-lay eople-pay?Copy !req
212. So about that…Copy !req
213. What? You guys
were reptoids all this time?Copy !req
214. Why didn't you tell me?
I'm your frat brother.Copy !req
215. I gave you my kidney.Copy !req
216. And it was delicious.Copy !req
217. Honestly, we only revealed our secrets
to brothers who reached level six.Copy !req
218. - You never got that high.Copy !req
219. Guys, I'm Brett Hand, campus legend.Copy !req
220. Whatever it takes, I'm getting that ring.Copy !req
221. I don't know. I mean,
first you'd have to prove your loyaltyCopy !req
222. - by stripping down and—Copy !req
223. Wow, you just didn't even wait for me
to finish my sentence.Copy !req
224. Let the hazing begin!Copy !req
225. Reagan, there you are.Copy !req
226. Try not to look like
you're getting a colonoscopy.Copy !req
227. I need to find the reptoid honchos and—Copy !req
228. J.R.
- Ah!Copy !req
229. Oh!
There you are, you old rascals.Copy !req
230. Reagan,
meet my favorite reptoidsentatives,Copy !req
231. Barb Shrike and Zarthax Griswold Walton
of the Reptoid High Council.Copy !req
232. Good evening, Your, uh, Lizardness.Copy !req
233. Oh, we're not that important.Copy !req
234. It's not like we control the world… yet!Copy !req
235. You know, all this laughing
is putting me in a contract-signing mood.Copy !req
236. I've got next year's budget right hereCopy !req
237. if you wanna just
give her the old John Hancock.Copy !req
238. Not so fast, J.R.Copy !req
239. Don't think we missed
your hilarious email.Copy !req
240. If you want us to embrace your funding,Copy !req
241. we need to know
that your company takes us seriously.Copy !req
242. We absolutely do.Copy !req
243. Right, Reagan?Copy !req
244. Uh…Copy !req
245. Well, that was an impressively firm hug.Copy !req
246. I think you might have popped
a disc back into place.Copy !req
247. - Oh, my turn.Copy !req
248. Wow, can you be my chiropractor?Copy !req
249. Not for free, I can't.Copy !req
250. She gets it.
And I absolutely love your skin.Copy !req
251. How do you get it that scaly?Copy !req
252. Hey, fuck you… using moisturizer!Copy !req
253. The drier the better, right, baby?Copy !req
254. Mmm, I like this one.Copy !req
255. J.R., let's talk contracts
after the ceremony.Copy !req
256. And make sure you bring her.Copy !req
257. Ha! I did it! I think I just conquered
my weird mental hang-upCopy !req
258. without any self-examination.Copy !req
259. - Yeah!
- You're a hit!Copy !req
260. Ooh, let me introduce you to Al Gore.Copy !req
261. My real name is Alligator Gore.Copy !req
262. Huh?
- Oh. Come on, man. Where's the action?Copy !req
263. I'm peaking. I don't wanna miss this.Copy !req
264. One of these has gotta be
the secret door. Okay, what is it?Copy !req
265. Secret door, secret door…Copy !req
266. Ugh, these are just actual books.Copy !req
267. Books are like the opposite of sex!Copy !req
268. This place is such a croc tease.Copy !req
269. Harder, my bros!Copy !req
270. Whoo.
Yeah, you got it.Copy !req
271. Don't patronize me, Skwoo.
Make me earn it.Copy !req
272. Eh, you're right.
We've been holding back on you.Copy !req
273. Uh, it's time to take you
to the Chamber of Secrets.Copy !req
274. Reveal your secrets to the chamber.Copy !req
275. Here's one. Um, I stay awake at night…Copy !req
276. …because I don't even know
what my favorite color is,Copy !req
277. and I'm afraid I don't have
a real personality.Copy !req
278. Wow, that is dark.Copy !req
279. Speaking of dark,
catch you on the other side.Copy !req
280. Hiss, hiss. So lovely to meet you.Copy !req
281. Lovely.Copy !req
282. Reagan, you're the life of this party.Copy !req
283. That's the most natural smile
I've ever seen out of Mark Zuckerberg.Copy !req
284. Huh. You never should've doubted me, J.R.Copy !req
285. With this brain and these arms,
I can do literally anything.Copy !req
286. Everyone to the main stage.
The celebration is about to begin!Copy !req
287. Boo! Go back to your terrariums!Copy !req
288. All rise for the reptilian anthem!Copy !req
289. Let's get down to lizness.Copy !req
290. We reptoids have had a great decade.Copy !req
291. Thanks to propaganda in the media,Copy !req
292. we have made society
more tolerant of our kind,Copy !req
293. from the Geico Gecko
to The Shape of Water.Copy !req
294. We even got K. Rool in Smash!
We did it, everyone!Copy !req
295. The world temperature is rising.Copy !req
296. The time is coming, brethren.Copy !req
297. Soon we shall fulfill the prophecy,Copy !req
298. overthrow humanity,
and become the true rulers of the world!Copy !req
299. They say that every year,
but they're never gonna do it.Copy !req
300. And now, a look back
at the reptoids we lost this year.Copy !req
301. - It's almost time for the speech.Copy !req
302. Where's Brett?Copy !req
303. Oh man,
I can't wait till I get to level six.Copy !req
304. I bet that's when they let you
into the group text chat.Copy !req
305. Hey, my blindfold!Copy !req
306. Oh my God! Oh my God!Copy !req
307. He's just as pathetic
as he was in college.Copy !req
308. Hey, hey. Who am I? Who am I?Copy !req
309. Uh, I think I'm popular,
but nobody can stand me.Copy !req
310. Brett Hand.Copy !req
311. Ooh!Copy !req
312. [PJ] He got it! He got it!Copy !req
313. - Bros? But I thought I was a legend.Copy !req
314. Maybe you'll be my friends.Copy !req
315. Ah! Ah! Ah! Rats!Copy !req
316. Rats are biting my dick!Copy !req
317. …soon hear
from our human partner.Copy !req
318. This is a disaster. Brett's missing!Copy !req
319. And I can't give the speech,
because I spilled dip on my crotch,Copy !req
320. and I cannot stand up!Copy !req
321. Reagan, I need you to give the speech.Copy !req
322. What, me?Copy !req
323. You said it yourself.
You've conquered all your issues.Copy !req
324. - But—
- Go, go! You're going to crush it.Copy !req
325. And now, please give a warm welcome
to Cognito Inc.Copy !req
326. Ah! What is up, reptoids?Copy !req
327. Anybody here from a… a subterranean lair?Copy !req
328. But seriously,Copy !req
329. reptoids, humans, we're not so different.Copy !req
330. We all have hearts, minds, um,Copy !req
331. cloacas?Copy !req
332. I do have a cloaca.Copy !req
333. Sure, we may have messed up in the pastCopy !req
334. but not as bad as those idiot Atlantians.Copy !req
335. - Fuck Atlantis!Copy !req
336. Oh my God.Copy !req
337. I'm Reagan Ridley,Copy !req
338. and on behalf of Cognito Inc.,Copy !req
339. let us raise a glass
to our continued alliance.Copy !req
340. Oh, thank Christ.Copy !req
341. Reagan Ridley from Cognito Inc., everyone.Copy !req
342. Ha! Bring it in, buddy.Copy !req
343. - That's too tight. Help.Copy !req
344. - You're crushing me!
- Wait, sorry. Let me just— Reverse!Copy !req
345. Oh God, my arms! My arms!Copy !req
346. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
347. She's trying to run! Grab her!Copy !req
348. Sorry! I didn't mean that!Copy !req
349. - Hmm.Copy !req
350. Huh?Copy !req
351. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
352. - We're not friends at all!Copy !req
353. Go, go, go!Copy !req
354. Are you also being chased
by a horde of rats?Copy !req
355. What? No. Why are you naked?Copy !req
356. Tonight was complicated!Copy !req
357. Please don't cut our funding.
I have mistresses to feed.Copy !req
358. Funding?Copy !req
359. After what just happened, you're lucky
we don't launch war on humanity right now.Copy !req
360. There's gotta be a way out of this.
What about a human sacrifice, huh?Copy !req
361. I carry a saber of sacrifice at all times.Copy !req
362. This is a disaster. Where's Reagan?Copy !req
363. The heir
to the Griswold Walton fortuneCopy !req
364. was rushed to the hospital tonight
after having his arms brutally ripped off.Copy !req
365. He had this to say.Copy !req
366. The lizard army
will bathe in the blood of man!Copy !req
367. In other news,
global temperature raisedCopy !req
368. one degree today.Copy !req
369. Well, I'm definitely
a fugitive from the law now.Copy !req
370. I don't know why I can't hug anyone
without losing my fucking mind.Copy !req
371. You know, Reagan,
I get mad social anxiety too,Copy !req
372. but talking about it with my therapist
has cut my panic attacks in half!Copy !req
373. Brap, brap, brap!Copy !req
374. Are you saying that I should…Copy !req
375. …talk about my feelings?Copy !req
376. When's the last time
you were hugged? Hit me.Copy !req
377. The last time I was hugged was…Copy !req
378. Huh.Copy !req
379. Wow, I actually can't remember.Copy !req
380. That's really weird, right?Copy !req
381. You'll figure it out. You always do.Copy !req
382. Just like I'm gonna figure out
a way to impress PJ and SkwooCopy !req
383. and get to level six,Copy !req
384. because I need everyone to like me,
and I freak out if they don't.Copy !req
385. Brett, why do you care about those guys?Copy !req
386. They pushed you in a ventilation shaft
and covered you with rats.Copy !req
387. Yeah, but isn't that what friends do?Copy !req
388. No. Friends give each other rides
and good advice.Copy !req
389. Come out with your hands up,
you pink-fleshed motherfuckers!Copy !req
390. You tell 'em, Bill.Copy !req
391. - Thanks so much. Be kind to one another.Copy !req
392. Time to load up my Emmy cannon.Copy !req
393. I'll take my tea
in the panic room, thank you.Copy !req
394. - Anderson Cooper coming to you live from—Copy !req
395. Uh, sorry, one moment.Copy !req
396. Coming to you live
from the Reptoid Supreme Court.Copy !req
397. Well, Reagan, the bad news is,Copy !req
398. if you lose this trial, it may mean war.Copy !req
399. The good news is, I got you
the best lawyer who cost us nothing.Copy !req
400. Don't worry about it, honey.
I can convince anyone of anything.Copy !req
401. Just today,
I convinced myself I was a lawyer.Copy !req
402. Please welcome
our high justice of the Reptoid Court,Copy !req
403. the immortal queen of darkness herself,Copy !req
404. Judge Judy!Copy !req
405. Judge Judy!Copy !req
406. Thank you, bailiff.
I have a shoot in 20 minutes,Copy !req
407. so let's make this quick.
What are the charges?Copy !req
408. Your Honor,
Ms. Ridley ripped off our leader's armsCopy !req
409. in an act of hostile bigotry
towards reptoids.Copy !req
410. Boo!
Boo!Copy !req
411. This true? You rip his arms off?Copy !req
412. Yes, technically. But—Copy !req
413. All right, rip her arms off
and call it even. Thank you.Copy !req
414. Your Honor, please.Copy !req
415. I intend to prove that my client might be,
damn, weird as shit,Copy !req
416. but she doesn't discriminate.
She's like that to everybody.Copy !req
417. The defense calls Brett Hand!Copy !req
418. Oh yeah, Reagan can't hug anybody.Copy !req
419. See this bruise on my face?Copy !req
420. That's from one of her hugs,
and we're friends.Copy !req
421. I don't wanna diagnose,
but maybe Asperger's?Copy !req
422. Oh, come on!Copy !req
423. I plead the FifthCopy !req
424. and the Second!Copy !req
425. She's always had
the hots for me but won't admit it.Copy !req
426. I mean, can you believe that?Copy !req
427. She's on her 95th HR violation.Copy !req
428. But who's counting?Copy !req
429. Me, I'm counting. Mr. Mothman is counting.Copy !req
430. I think this is working.Copy !req
431. Yeah,
I love this. It feels great.Copy !req
432. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
433. A father should never miss
his daughter's first sentencing.Copy !req
434. On the bright side, I finally finished
reassembling Bear-o, so…Copy !req
435. …that's something.Copy !req
436. You brought that thing?Copy !req
437. Dad, this is serious.Copy !req
438. I could be going to jail for a long time,Copy !req
439. all because for some mysterious reason,Copy !req
440. I am unable to fucking hug.Copy !req
441. Hello, Reagan.
Would you like to give Bear-o a hug?Copy !req
442. A hug, a hug, a…Copy !req
443. Uh-oh. Someone needs a hug.Copy !req
444. There, there.
It's me, Bear-o. Initiating hug.Copy !req
445. No, Bear-o!Copy !req
446. Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!Copy !req
447. Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!Copy !req
448. Initiating hug.
- No, Bear-o!Copy !req
449. Holy shit. You never hugged me.Copy !req
450. You made a robot bear do it instead.Copy !req
451. And I was so traumatized
that I repressed the memory for years!Copy !req
452. That's why I can't hug anyone
without losing my shit!Copy !req
453. Order! Ms. Ridley.Copy !req
454. Your Honor, allow me to call
Rand Ridley to the stand.Copy !req
455. I swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,Copy !req
456. and nothing but the truth,
so help me Godzilla 2000.Copy !req
457. Would you call yourself a good father?Copy !req
458. I gave you a roof and stellar genetics,Copy !req
459. so despite what you may read
in any poorly written airport rags,Copy !req
460. yeah, I was a good father.Copy !req
461. I even created this amazing robotCopy !req
462. so it could hug you
whenever I wasn't around,Copy !req
463. which was always.Copy !req
464. What, people?
That touchy-feely crap makes you weak.Copy !req
465. My outside-the-box parentingCopy !req
466. raised a girl who's strong enough
to nearly murder a diplomat.Copy !req
467. Bear-o is proud of Reagan.Copy !req
468. Oh, shut the fuck up, Bear-o.Copy !req
469. Your shitty parenting
messed me up for life,Copy !req
470. and now I guess I'm broken forever.Copy !req
471. Hey, look, you know,
family is an experiment.Copy !req
472. And maybe not all my experiments
are perfect.Copy !req
473. I guess we could give this a try.Copy !req
474. All right. I mean,
is this doing anything for you?Copy !req
475. - No, not really.
- Yeah, it feels weird.Copy !req
476. - Right? That's what I'm saying.
- Super forced.Copy !req
477. - Why do people do this?Copy !req
478. - That helped.Copy !req
479. Well, I've seen enough.Copy !req
480. Ms. Ridley, you've clearly learned
some bad habits from this man.Copy !req
481. I'm surprised
you don't rip everyone's arms off.Copy !req
482. But I can't just let you off the hook,Copy !req
483. so I'm sentencing
you to court-ordered therapyCopy !req
484. in the form of…Copy !req
485. …the traditional reptoid group hug.Copy !req
486. Wait, what's this now?Copy !req
487. I'm deciding this is okay.Copy !req
488. Oh God, this is an orgy, isn't it?Copy !req
489. Oh yes. Yes, it is!Copy !req
490. Gavel. Give me the gavel.Copy !req
491. Give me the gavel!Copy !req
492. This is it. It's happening.Copy !req
493. Hello, HR.
Who's ready for some gross misconduct?Copy !req
494. Incoming!Copy !req
495. Hey, guys, wait for…Copy !req
496. You know what? No.Copy !req
497. I don't need to have sex
with 100 strangers just to fit in,Copy !req
498. 'cause I have a new frat now, Cognito Inc.Copy !req
499. I'm gonna watch though. I have questions.Copy !req
500. Zarthax, I hope
you'll accept these as an apology.Copy !req
501. They might be helpful
till your real ones grow back.Copy !req
502. Well, these will do nicely.Copy !req
503. What do you say, J.R.? Ready to re-up?Copy !req
504. Really? After all this?Copy !req
505. Business is business.Copy !req
506. We were hoping you'd found an upgrade
since Rand's departure,Copy !req
507. and as far as we can tell, you have.Copy !req
508. Maybe physical boundaries are good.
Maybe no one should touch each other ever.Copy !req
509. Want a ride, kiddo?Copy !req
510. Yeah, I'll take a ride.Copy !req
511. Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say…Copy !req
512. …I tolerate you.Copy !req
513. I tolerate you too, kiddo.Copy !req
514. - So, one question.
- Please don't ask me if you're a good dad.Copy !req
515. Eh? I was gonna ask
if you think I could pull off a goatee.Copy !req
516. Of course I'm a good dad.Copy !req
517. - I just saved your ass.
No, I saved my ass.Copy !req
518. Okay, well…
Is anyone taping this?Copy !req
519. Just kidding. I am.Copy !req
520. I'm sorry, sir,
but you tested positive for iguanarrhea.Copy !req
521. Motherfucker!
- I wasn't done.Copy !req
522. Iguanarrhea, clawmydia, sssyphilis,Copy !req
523. scalebies, explosive cloaca disease.Copy !req
524. Oh yeah, and mushroom herpes.Copy !req
525. Wait. What was that last one?Copy !req