In Living Color 2x8

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Sketches include: ""Magenta's Acting School"" ""Foundation for Golf Heritage"" ""Evelyn Smith"" ""Laquita Sings the Blues""

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

2. Thank you.

3. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

4. - Somebody call that man a doctor.

5. We appreciate y'all comin'. We're gonna have a good time tonight.

6. Got a lot of surprises, so sit tight.

7. We'll be back in a few. Kick it.

8. Jason Robards once said to me...

9. Or was it Harvey Korman?

10. Well, whoever.

11. He said, " Some people were born to act...

12. "some people learn to act...

13. and then there are people like you."

14. God, I was touched by that.

15. The point is, I took those words to heart.

16. And it wasn't long after that that I landed my breakthrough role in Friday the 13th.

17. Let's take a look at my performance, shall we?

18. - Out of my way, bitch!

19. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

20. But, you know, that took more than talent.

21. That's a little something called skill.

22. That's technique.

23. You're down on your knee, a throw back of a shoulder and you're looking.

24. And it's a single tear, and we're out.

25. Okay. Let's try some simple exercises, shall we?

26. Up on your feet. Come on. Line up.

27. Okay. We're hailing a cab.

28. Come on, people. You want that taxi.

29. It's raining out. Yes.!

30. All right. Dialing a phone.

31. Rotary.

32. Yeah, okay. Push-button.

33. All right, all right. Calling the elevator.

34. I didn't say up or down, did I?

35. Let's be specific people. That is the key.

36. - Uh, spray and wipe.

37. Yeah?

38. What? Bernie swore to me I'd get that role.

39. The only thing in the shot was my hand.

40. What do you mean I looked bitter?

41. Look, how many ways are there to stir dog food?

42. I... I wanna talk to Bernie.

43. Are you gonna be off the phone soon, 'cause we...

44. Look, you're gonna get your 15 dollars' worth.

45. Why don't you show 'em that clip of me in the movie of the week.

46. - The, uh, the love scene. - Okay.

47. Yeah. He's in a meeting with who?

48. Jo Anne Worley. Oh, my.

49. I bet she's a hot property now, huh?

50. Out of my way, bitch!

51. Look, I'm callin' back in 20 minutes, and Bernie better take my call.

52. Hello? Hello?

53. This isn't a coffee break, people. Up on your feet.

54. We're gonna drill these brushbacks.

55. Now, let's go. Concentrate! Concentrate!

56. Get out my way!

57. - Get out my way. - Get outta my way.

58. No, no, no! You people are pathetic!

59. Let's do it one couple at a time... you and you. The rest of you sit down.

60. - Focus. - Out my way, bitch!

61. You call that a fall, princess?

62. You better stay right there on the floor...

63. 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get a role.

64. Let's do our homework, shall we?

65. - Who is this woman? - Uh...

66. Uh, she's somebody I just got out my way?

67. Yes, of course, on the surface.

68. But who is she really? What's her moment before?

69. What makes her tick?

70. How does she feel about being pushed out of the way by this guy...

71. about being treated like something he stepped in...

72. after she took him into her apartment, into her bed?

73. And what did he leave her... nothing but that cold sore...

74. that took me two weeks at the free clinic just to get rid of.

75. Look, obviously we're just not ready for this sort of intensive work right now.

76. Let's move on to something simpler, shall we?

77. - I'm sorry, Magenta, but I have to go now. - You have to go now?

78. - Mm-hmm. - This is only the most important class of your career.

79. - What have you got, a hot date? - No. Actually, I have an actin'job.

80. Oh, she's got an acting job.

81. Tina Louise has an acting job. What sort of job could you get?

82. It's not much. All I have to do is stir a bowl of dog food.

83. Wait a second. You're not going anywhere.

84. How did you get that part? You must have put out for the director.

85. Get outta my way, bitch!

86. See? Now, see?

87. I'm just acting. That's what I was talking about... the technique.

88. That's what Harvey Korman was talking about.

89. Or was it, uh, Chad Everett?

90. Well... Oh... Who... Who played Mannix?

91. Uh, Calvin Lockhart?

92. No. Uh... Uh, class dismissed.

93. The following is a paid announcement...

94. by the Foundation for Golf Heritage.

95. The views presented are not those of this station.

96. - Hi. I'm G.D. "Bud" Simmons...

97. membership chairman of the Shoal Creek Country Club...

98. here in Birmingham, Alabama.

99. In recent weeks, we have received some...

100. negative publicity.

101. The P.G.A. Refused to let us host a major tournament...

102. because we have no black members.

103. Now, what we have here...

104. is a failure to communicate.

105. As you can see...

106. there has always been a place for blacks at our club...

107. as long as they're not holdin' one.

108. Golf has always been a white game.

109. It was invented by a white man in Scotland 200 years ago.

110. If God had meant for blacks to play golf...

111. he wouldn't have made it so expensive.

112. Let us have our game.

113. After all, we didn't complain...

114. when the Negroes took over basketball.

115. Some other clubs have admitted black members...

116. and the results have been a mite disturbing.

117. Here is some film we shot in a recent trip...

118. to a formerly all-white club near Atlanta.

119. If you agree with us...

120. that the heritage of the great game of golf should be preserved...

121. write to us at the Foundation for Golf Heritage.

122. We'll send you one of our bumper stickers.

123. We don't eat our greens. We play on them.

124. Thank you.

125. - Excuse us.

126. You know, I don't usually go on blind dates...

127. but I'm really glad Susan fixed us up.

128. - You think this is a good idea? - Yeah. I'm gonna have a great time.

129. - You didn't think you would? - No, I thought I'd have a great time.

130. - Okay. - You're a lot prettier than Susan said you would be.

131. Oh. What do you mean? Did she say I was ugly?

132. She didn't say you were ugly. She said you had beautiful eyes.

133. - I agree with her. - Oh.

134. Well, what else did she say? She said I was fat, didn't she?

135. She didn't say you were fat. She said you were a court stenographer.

136. - Yeah, yeah. - Which I think is kind of an odd career.

137. - I mean, I've never heard of anybody... - What? Do you think I'm stupid?

138. I don't think you're stupid. I just think that that's an interesting career...

139. for someone as beautiful and as intelligent as yourself.

140. - Oh-Oh-Oh. You think I'm too brainy. - No, I don't think...

141. You think I'm a nerd like Urkel on Family Matters.

142. - I know you didn't say it, but you were thinking that. - I wasn't thinking that at all.

143. I'm just sayin' it's not... Popcorn?

144. - No, thanks. No, but thanks. - Okay.

145. - So, let me tell you a little bit about myself. - Okay.

146. I work for Jet magazine. I just got the cover.

147. - It took me about two months... - You weren't gonna offer me that one more time... the popcorn?

148. - What? You want... - You think I have a weight problem, don't you?

149. - I don't think... - It's these pants. I look really fat in these pants, don't I?

150. - No, you look great. You look skinny. - I know.

151. I mean, not "skinny" skinny. I mean slim, you know?

152. Nice body. Not like I'm into that or anything.

153. You know, but... Popcorn?

154. If you insist.

155. You think I have a really big face, don't you?

156. I don't think you have a big face. You have a beautiful face.

157. Your nose... like a button. Look at that.

158. Your feet... nice and small. Perfect, like a concubine's.

159. Look at your arm. Perfect. Look at that balance. Look at the balance.

160. Look at that. You're perfect. Look at you.

161. Torso... perfect, girl. You are perfect.

162. - You didn't say anything about my neck. - Your neck...

163. and clavicle are perfect.

164. Okay.

165. I'm really glad we chose this movie. I love Meryl Streep.

166. You think she's prettier than I am, don't you?

167. - You think she's a lot, lot prettier. - I don't think she's prettier.

168. No. You the prettiest... Look in the theater.

169. You are the prettiest one here. Look around you. You're pretty.

170. I'm tellin' you. Girl, you the one.

171. Can we watch the movie? Are you all right?

172. - Yeah. - Okay.

173. - Why do you like her so much better than me? - I don't like her better...

174. - Because she has a big chest? Is that it? - I don't even know her.

175. I don't even know you. Not that I don't want to get to know you.

176. You got a nice chest. I like your chest. You got a nice chest.

177. You got big, bodacious ta-tas, all right!

178. - Okay? - Okay.

179. - Carl, why do you hate me? - Damn!

180. Look. Here's a quarter.

181. Call a cab, find some help.

182. Have some popcorn. I'm outta here.

183. Can you believe that guy dumped me just because I have a little weight problem?

184. God, can you...

185. Do you think I look fat in these jeans?

186. I know you didn't say anything, but...

187. - Shoot. - Hiya, Rick! - Hi, Ethel.

188. Mornin', Laquita. I just came over to borrow a cup of Slim-Fast.

189. Aw, now, Laquita, what's the matter this time?

190. Ethel, Ricky forgot my birthday.

191. Aw, now, honey, you know he always surprises you.

192. - Maybe he left your present in the kitchen like last year. - You think so?

193. - Well, sure. - Let's go peep it out.

194. We interrupt this program to bring you a special report.

195. The Billy Dee Williams look-alike bandit has escaped.

196. Do not... repeat... do not let anyone into your home who looks like Billy Dee Williams.

197. - We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

198. - I can't believe it...

199. totally dissed on my birthday.

200. Aw, now, honey.

201. - That's one cheap, penny-pinching Cuban tightwad.

202. Hello, beautiful.

203. - Billy Dee Williams! - Oh, my.!

204. Well, do you want my arm to fall off?

205. - Oh, my goodness. - How do you do? I'm Ethel Mertz.

206. - Charmed to meet you. - Well, Ethel, I wish you could stay...

207. but sorry you gotta go see that doctor.

208. - I don't have to go to a doctor. - You do now.

209. So, Ricky send you to surprise me?

210. Uh, yeah, that's right. Richie sent me here to surprise you.

211. Ooh, ooh. Billy, you gotta see my Diana Ross act.

212. I do all the great scenes from Mahogany and stuff. All of them!

213. Well, I'd be honored, Fajita.

214. That's Laquita.

215. All right, so you sit back, take a chill pill, kick off your shoes, relax.

216. - I'm-a go get ready, okay? - All right.

217. Take your time, Laguna.

218. Just take your coat off and relax, okay?

219. All right. Thank you.

220. I'm a winner! I'm a winner!

221. And everybody loves me... Mahogany!

222. And you can't stand it. Do you know why?

223. Because you're a loser!

224. - Laquita! - Ricky!

225. If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...

226. Oh, that's okay, Ricky. I thought she was very good.

227. - My pleasure meeting you, Laquita. - But we already met.

228. I would've remembered meeting someone like you, someone as charming as you.

229. That's true.

230. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to, uh, clean up a little bit.

231. - Oh, right through here, Billy. - Yeah.

232. - Just use anything you like. - Thank you.

233. Billy.! Billy.!

234. - How'd you get there? - Uh...

235. Lobotomy let me in.

236. - I thought I told you to relax. - Right.

237. - Here, take your coat off. - Sure, sure.

238. - Okay? - Yeah, good.

239. Laquita?

240. Can I talk to you in the kitchen?

241. Now.

242. - Shoot!

243. Hello?

244. What happened to everybody?

245. Have we met?

246. You look familiar.

247. Who are you?

248. I'm Billy Dee Williams.

249. - ¡A yayay.!

250. I am confused.

251. Uh, that's him! That's him!

252. That's the clown that's been impersonating me and rippin' people off.

253. Are you gonna believe this clown? Look at him. He doesn't have any class.

254. "Class"? Buddy, you wouldn't know "class"...

255. if it walked up and bit you on the behind.

256. - Freeze! Everybody! - All right! We got the bandit cornered.

257. - Yeah, Sarge, but which one's the impostor? - Wait a minute.!

258. I know who the impostor is.

259. - How? - How?

260. 'Cause if anybody know Billy Dee, it's me.

261. All right, you, step up.

262. Step up. I'm callin' you out.

263. All right, now. This is the scene from Mahogany.

264. It's snowin', you makin' a speech...

265. and Diana Ross is hidin' in the crowd.

266. Now go.

267. Madam, would you be willing to put your imagination to work...

268. on behalf of the cause that your man's fighting for?

269. - Yes! - Madam...

270. will you love and cherish him for the rest of his life?

271. Yes!

272. If you're willing to do all of that...

273. then I guarantee that you'll get your man back.

274. Officer?

275. I know just who your criminal is.

276. - This is him. - All right, buster, you're goin' with us.

277. Wait! Hold your horses, gentlemen.

278. Laquita's forgetting the end of that scene.

279. Is that so?

280. That's the impostor! That's the impostor!

281. - Hey, hey! Wait a minute! - This is definitely Billy Dee!

282. Wait a minute, Dorito.

283. Aren't you gonna kiss me too?

284. Kiss you?

285. I'd sooner kiss my own brother.

286. Laquita!

287. - All right.

288. As usual, I'd like to thank my Fly Girls and SW1...

289. and everybody else for doing this show.

290. Hey, Keenen, here's a taste of your own medicine.

291. I hope you liked it, and don't forget to tune in again next week.

292. You know the time, you know the place.