1. Hi. I'm Keenan Ivory Wayans,
and welcome to the show.Copy !req
2. You know, I've been trying to think of
different ways to open the show.Copy !req
3. And tonight,
I said to myself, okay.Copy !req
4. Now, what could I possibly do
to get it started large?Copy !req
5. I couldn't think of anything better
than my main man...Copy !req
6. from money-earnin'
Mount Vernon, Heavy D.Copy !req
7. All rise.
This court is now in session.Copy !req
8. The Honorable
Godfrey Headley presiding!Copy !req
9. Hey, mon!Copy !req
10. Hold on to your briefs,
it's time for another episode...Copy !req
11. of'Hey Mon,"starring that
hard-working judicial family...Copy !req
12. the Headleys.!Copy !req
13. Bring in the first defendant.Copy !req
14. Will the clerk of the court
read the charges?Copy !req
15. The People vs. Beverly Trapp,
soliciting for prostitution!Copy !req
16. Is the counsel for defense present?Copy !req
17. - I am here, Your Honor.
- Then is the prosecutor present?Copy !req
18. I am, Your Honor.Copy !req
19. Wait a minute. You're the judge
and the prosecutor?Copy !req
20. That's right. I'm also
the night court judge, the circuit judge...Copy !req
21. the tennis court judge,
the judge of Star Search...Copy !req
22. a good judge of character and
the understudy forJudge Reinhold.Copy !req
23. That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
24. I'll be the judge of that.Copy !req
25. Mr. Prosecutor,
call your first witness.Copy !req
26. I call my "semi-lazical,"Copy !req
27. hardly-got-six-jobs son
Byron to the stand.Copy !req
28. Hurry up, Rasta boy. You're slow
as the sap on a coconut tree.Copy !req
29. Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth?Copy !req
30. - I do.
- Then who was the girl
I seen you with the other night?Copy !req
31. - What's she talkin' about?
- Bailiff!Copy !req
32. I'll ask the questions 'ere.Copy !req
33. - Rambo Rasta Rambo boy.
- What you talkin' about?Copy !req
34. Who was the woman
you saw her with last night?Copy !req
35. - She was a prostitute!Copy !req
36. - I was workin'!Copy !req
37. And what do you do for a job?Copy !req
38. I'm an undercover officer,
a parole officer,Copy !req
39. a narcotics officer,
chief petty officer,Copy !req
40. a petty chief officer,
a officer and a gentleman,Copy !req
41. and I'm a makeup man
forJudge Reinhold.Copy !req
42. Now, boy. Tell the judge
what happen.!Copy !req
43. - I was workin' as an undercover
Japanese businessman.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
44. Then this woman, she come
whisperin' somethin' in my ear.Copy !req
45. Somethin' about
"givin' me a job" or somethin'!Copy !req
46. - Oh, so this involves jobs!
- It certainly does.Copy !req
47. And, how many jobs do you do?Copy !req
48. Uh, I been known to do, uh,
20 jobs in a night, give or take.Copy !req
49. Whoo! Twenty job in one night!Copy !req
50. You one hard-working heifer.Copy !req
51. Case dismissed. I want you
to meet me in my chamber.Copy !req
52. Next.!Copy !req
53. The People vs. Ryan Thomas,
armed robbery!Copy !req
54. Your Honor. My client says
he has an airtight alibi.Copy !req
55. Wait, this is the public defender?Copy !req
56. That's right. I'm not only the P.D.,
I'm also the D.A., a C.P.A., an E.M. T...Copy !req
57. an O.B. /G.Y.N., the M.V.P. Of
the L.P.G.A., and I am Judge Reinhold.Copy !req
58. I have a very good makeup man,
you know.Copy !req
59. Your Honor,
at the time of the crime...Copy !req
60. - my client was nowhere near the scene.
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
61. At least 50 people saw me. I was
standin' in line to get my unemployment.Copy !req
62. Unemployment!Copy !req
63. You collectin' money
for not even workin'?Copy !req
64. Ooh, that's a crime
if I ever heard of one!Copy !req
65. You lazy radish Yankee tub,
get out of my court!Copy !req
66. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!Copy !req
67. Next!Copy !req
68. The State vs. Reginald McCort.!Copy !req
69. McCort? What kinda dumb name
is that for a Rasta?Copy !req
70. Black Irish.Copy !req
71. And what have you gotta
say for yourself, leprechaun?Copy !req
72. Well, Your Honor, I admit, Your Honesty,
I'm a forger, an embezzler...Copy !req
73. a burglar, a pickpocket,
a jaywalker, a shoplifter...Copy !req
74. a numbers-runner, a con man.Copy !req
75. I tear the labels off of mattresses,
and I make illegal copies...Copy !req
76. ofJudge Reinhold movies.Copy !req
77. Court Stenographer,
how many t'ing were that...Copy !req
78. - "Mr. Lucky Charm" say?
- Ten t'ings!Copy !req
79. Ten t'ings?Copy !req
80. You one hard-working mon.Copy !req
81. I sentence you to
ten year at hard labor.Copy !req
82. Thank you, Your Honesty.Copy !req
83. Did you hear what I said?
I said, "hard labor"!Copy !req
84. Hey, mon!Copy !req
85. I sentence all the Headleys
to ten years' hard labor.Copy !req
86. - Hilda, you gonna make a license plate.Copy !req
87. Byron, you gonna do the laundry.
Matilda, you gonna get in the metal shop.Copy !req
88. And l... I gonna work
in the chain gang.Copy !req
89. - Hey!
- Okay, we share the chain gang.Copy !req
90. Hey, mon! Then we go to jail!Copy !req
91. Shahara Zah Ali.
You've seen her on Donahue.Copy !req
92. And it's every black man's right to slap
a black woman in the mouth.Copy !req
93. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
94. You've seen her on
SallyJessy Raphael.Copy !req
95. A black woman should not complain
about sharin' her black man.Copy !req
96. Don't deny it.
You're denyin' it! See...Copy !req
97. And, you've seen her on
Farm Report.Copy !req
98. Furthermore, if a black hog
wants to keep his sty together...Copy !req
99. he should slap his black sow in the mouth
when she needs it... don't deny it!Copy !req
100. She's Shahara Zah Ali, the author of...Copy !req
101. You've read her book.
Now, get her new, how-to video.Copy !req
102. This easy to follow,
step-by-step guide...Copy !req
103. will make you, once again,
the king of your domain.Copy !req
104. Find out if you have what it
takes with this simple quiz...Copy !req
105. from part one ofher video,
"Lines of Communication."Copy !req
106. - Hey, babe.
- Hi, baby!Copy !req
107. - Is it 6:00 already?
- You know it.Copy !req
108. Oh, you know LittleJake went and blew up
his Ninja Turtle in the microwave today.Copy !req
109. And then Aquanetta twisted and broke
her ankle tryin' to do that Vogue dance...Copy !req
110. - so, I mean, I had to rush her to the hospital.
- So I got no dinner?Copy !req
111. Mm-hmm. Now what
would you do in this situation:Copy !req
112. A., take her out to a nice restaurant...Copy !req
113. B., have dinner at your girlfriend's...Copy !req
114. or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
115. The answer, of course, is "C."Copy !req
116. A good slap in the mouth will
train your black woman...Copy !req
117. not to put her trivial
concerns over your needs.Copy !req
118. Situation number two. Your wife
finds out you're havin'an affair.Copy !req
119. With my own sister?Copy !req
120. Look, l...Copy !req
121. What do you give your wife:
A., a dozen long-stem roses...Copy !req
122. B., the necklace you were going
to give your girlfriend...Copy !req
123. or C., an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
124. Now, if you said "C", you're well
on your way to becoming king.Copy !req
125. Now here's a tough one.
Your wife does somethin'nice.Copy !req
126. I say it's tough, 'cause a black woman ain't
gonna never do nothin'nice for a black man.Copy !req
127. She's sneaky, and if she does
something nice, it's a trick... watch her.Copy !req
128. Hey, baby! I got you
two tickets to the Lakers game.Copy !req
129. Lemme see those...Copy !req
130. Do you, A., thank her and ask
her if she'd like to join you...Copy !req
131. B., thank her and take
your girlfriend...Copy !req
132. or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
133. The answer is "B" and "C."Copy !req
134. Before you take your girlfriend,
remember this:Copy !req
135. An unexpected slap never hurts.Copy !req
136. Now, if you answered any
of these questions correctly...Copy !req
137. you're ready to move on
to Part Two:Copy !req
138. "Puttin' the Man
Back in Manhandling."Copy !req
139. Featurin' actual demonstrations
by real experts...Copy !req
140. such as Mike Tyson
and Ike Turner.Copy !req
141. Order my video: A Blackman's Rights
Lefts & Uppercuts.Copy !req
142. Make your wife buy it today.
If she hesitates...Copy !req
143. you know what to do.Copy !req
144. - Hey, I was watchin' that.Copy !req
145. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah? Well, you're gonna be.Copy !req
146. Shahara Zah that!Copy !req
147. So is this place okay for you, or...Copy !req
148. Yeah, no. It's fine.
I think it looks fine.Copy !req
149. I figured you'd like it, you know.
Soul food and stuff.Copy !req
150. Hey, thanks Jake.Copy !req
151. It's our way of sayin' welcome to
the practice, man. Make you feel at home.Copy !req
152. - Uh, hello?
- Oh, just a second. I'll be right with ya.Copy !req
153. How are my two babies doin' today?Copy !req
154. - We're doin' good. How are you?
- Ohh...Copy !req
155. My rheumatism actin' up.
And my piles been painin' me.Copy !req
156. But I couldn't be better, now that
my two good-lookin' gentlemen friends...Copy !req
157. have come in to have a good old,
home-cooked meal from Mama.Copy !req
158. - Who said veal? Somebody want veal?
Pick it up.Copy !req
159. Oh, you the spittin' image
of my godson Jarvis.Copy !req
160. - Frances, don't he look likeJarvis?
- Mm-hmm. Look just likeJarvis.Copy !req
161. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
162. - You boys seems so fancy. What are ya?Copy !req
163. Well, we're both orthodontists.Copy !req
164. Oh, baby, that ain't nothin'
to be ashamed of.Copy !req
165. 'Course, I'm a Baptist myself.Copy !req
166. But I hear y'all got
a good service.Copy !req
167. Mm-hmm! Just likeJarvis.Copy !req
168. - I ain't say nothin' about noJarvis.
- You just said Jarvis.Copy !req
169. I said that three days ago.
Where you been?Copy !req
170. - Don't get my pressure up.
- Who said they want fruit cup?Copy !req
171. Pick it up!Copy !req
172. - Oh. Y'all gonna stand around like
my name is Ma Bell.Copy !req
173. Hmm. Every time the phone rings,
everybody goes deaf.Copy !req
174. - But me. Makes me sick.Copy !req
175. Hello? Snackin' Shack.Copy !req
176. They'll be a 45 minute wait.Copy !req
177. Johnny Carson? I don't care
if you Johnny Appleseed.Copy !req
178. There's still a 45 minute wait.Copy !req
179. - Excuse me?
- No need to excuse yourself. What you want?Copy !req
180. - I'd like to be seated.
- I'd like to have these corns off my feet...Copy !req
181. but we can't always
have what we want.Copy !req
182. - But the tables are empty.
- They empty, but they reserved.Copy !req
183. - You got a reservation?
- No, but...Copy !req
184. Then you just gonna have to wait till
I sit yo' big butt down there, won't you?Copy !req
185. Uh, excuse me?
Ma'am, could we get some water?Copy !req
186. Oh, sure, baby.Copy !req
187. Why don't you do the ordering?Copy !req
188. - Yeah, do the ordering.
- Here you go, drink up.Copy !req
189. - Oh, thanks.
- Do you have any Pellegrino?Copy !req
190. Oh, no, baby.
That's just a little bit of psoriasis.Copy !req
191. But boy, it sure do make
my skin flake.Copy !req
192. - Who say they want steak?
Pick it up! Steak!Copy !req
193. So, what you two boys gonna have?Copy !req
194. - Oh, don't pay no mind to this.
- Uh, well let me see.Copy !req
195. What about the, uh, meat loaf?Copy !req
196. - Meat loaf!
- Meat loaf!Copy !req
197. - Ain't no mo' meat loaf.
- Ain't no mo' meat loaf.Copy !req
198. - We ain't got no mo' meat loaf.
- All right.Copy !req
199. Uh, then what about
the fried chicken?Copy !req
200. - Fried chicken!
- Fried chicken!Copy !req
201. - Ain't no mo' fried chicken.
- No mo' fried chicken.Copy !req
202. - We ain't got no mo' fried chicken.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
203. - Um, uh, then give me the ribs.
- Ribs!Copy !req
204. - Ribs!
- Ain't no mo' ribs.Copy !req
205. - What do you have?
- We have chitlins.Copy !req
206. Oh, that sounds great.
How is it prepared?Copy !req
207. Only but one way
to prepare 'em.Copy !req
208. First, you cut 'em out the pig,
then you squeeze out the dookey...Copy !req
209. then you turn 'em inside out and let 'em
set in bleach for about two days.Copy !req
210. And just as the funk start risin' off
the top, that's when you boil 'em.Copy !req
211. Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, I think I'll have some soup.Copy !req
212. - Okay. Two soups.
- Two soups. Pick it up!Copy !req
213. - Excuse me?Copy !req
214. Now I said that I'd be with you. Now don't
you rush me. Mama gonna have to spank you.Copy !req
215. - I'll be with you when I finish.
- Who wants spinach? Pick it up!Copy !req
216. Excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me?
I think I'll need a spoon.Copy !req
217. - What you say, baby?
- Uh, spoon?Copy !req
218. Oh, did Mama forget
to give you the silverware?Copy !req
219. Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You want
a big spoon or a little spoon?Copy !req
220. - Uh, soup spoon.
- Oh, let Mama see what she got
down here for you.Copy !req
221. Oh, here you go, baby.
You want a napkin?Copy !req
222. Uh, no-no, no, no, no!Copy !req
223. - I'll, uh...
- Use up his sleeves.Copy !req
224. - Hey, you know what? This is really good.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
225. Excuse me? What's in this soup?Copy !req
226. Oh, let me see.Copy !req
227. Oh, feel like your earring, Frances.
And your hairnet too.Copy !req
228. Oh, oh, lucky day!Copy !req
229. Oh! Oh, look.
I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
230. - Who said they want Spam? Spam! Pick it up!Copy !req
231. Uh, I just can't eat here.
I hope you're not offended.Copy !req
232. Offended? No. Not really.Copy !req
233. I know this great place on
the west side. Want to check it out?Copy !req
234. - Sounds great.
- All right, let's go.Copy !req
235. - It's your night.
- Where you goin', babies?Copy !req
236. They didn't even touch their food.Copy !req
237. Excuse me. Can I please get
a seat now?Copy !req
238. Oh, baby, you can sit wherever you want.
But the kitchen's closed.Copy !req
239. So if you want to eat, you're gonna have to
take your chubby behind somewhere else.Copy !req
240. Somebody sayJarvis was out here?Copy !req
241. Benny! Hey, I just wanted to thank
you for inviting me here.Copy !req
242. You know, nothing makes me happier
than saving the dolphins.Copy !req
243. Except for workin' for you at Gemco,
maybe, huh?Copy !req
244. I'm sure everyone here would agree.Copy !req
245. - Oh, no! What is he doin' here?
- I'm sorry?Copy !req
246. Excuse me, sir.
This party is by invitation only.Copy !req
247. Well, the name is Frenchy.
And don't be so "Coupe de Ville."Copy !req
248. Of course I have an invitation.
I'm here with Benny.Copy !req
249. Hey, Benny!
High five! High five!Copy !req
250. High five! Better than me.
You see? I'm with him.Copy !req
251. Now, you know I got to be,
because I'm hip.Copy !req
252. I'm slick. And all the women
love... my clothes. Gotcha!Copy !req
253. Hey, Benny!
Mon soufflé, man!Copy !req
254. - What?Copy !req
255. Oh, man! What you got here, Benny?
Ain't nothin' but some frankfurters...Copy !req
256. wrapped in bread, man!Copy !req
257. I thought you told me it was a classy affair.
I'm glad I brought these hot wings.Copy !req
258. - What are you... Oh, my...
- Here, man.Copy !req
259. - How the hell did you find me?
- Oh, "très simplé."Copy !req
260. When you accidentally threw
my number in the trash can...Copy !req
261. I ran outside and took down
your license plate number.Copy !req
262. Then I called the D.M.V.
They give me your ex-wife's last name?Copy !req
263. I called her. I talked to her for
five minutes, and you know what she say?Copy !req
264. Here the address, here the telephone
number, just go on down there.Copy !req
265. She say me and you
deserve each other, Benny.Copy !req
266. Oh, yeah. I owe her one.
Can you excuse me a second?Copy !req
267. - I gotta get something over here.
- All right.Copy !req
268. Well, bonjour, "mon derrière."Copy !req
269. It's a pleasure
to make your "acquaint-ance."Copy !req
270. Uh, I'm a friend of Benny. My name is
Leonard, but everybody calls me Frenchy.Copy !req
271. - Oh, why is that?
- 'Cause I took French in 11 th grade.Copy !req
272. And I love to kiss that way.Copy !req
273. You certainly do!Copy !req
274. Hey, Bruce Lee!Copy !req
275. - A friend of Benny's.
- Man, I love your movies, man.Copy !req
276. - Hi!
- Yeah, hi!Copy !req
277. Say hello to Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar for me.Copy !req
278. Look, um, Frenchy, do you know that
this affair cost over $1,000 a head?Copy !req
279. - A thousand dollars a head?
- Yes!Copy !req
280. Oh, man, you gettin' ripped off.
I know these...Copy !req
281. No, no, no. That's not what I mean,
all right?Copy !req
282. This is to raise funds
for the dolphins.Copy !req
283. Oh, man! I don't tell you how
to spend your money, Benny.Copy !req
284. - But it's the Rams that's in trouble!
- Oh, you are a...Copy !req
285. Excuse me.
That is a gorgeous gown.Copy !req
286. - Well, thank you, Benny.
- Uh-huh. That look like
the one my mama got...Copy !req
287. on the Home Shopping Club.Copy !req
288. - Is that polyester?
- No, actually, it's 100% raw silk.Copy !req
289. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe one day you can
save up and put some on layaway.Copy !req
290. Oh! Hey, Bruce Lee!Copy !req
291. What's goin' on, man? How you doin'?
What's you drinkin', man?Copy !req
292. What they got there, champagne?
Oh, man.Copy !req
293. B.Y.O.B.B.
"Bring Your Own Brown Bag."Copy !req
294. That's right.
I got the good stuff here.Copy !req
295. "Cold Duck." That's right.Copy !req
296. Give ya half the taste and twice the gas.Copy !req
297. - You like that? But hey, I'm hip.Copy !req
298. I'm slick, and all the women
want my phone number.Copy !req
299. Hey, Benny.
Let's toast to Benny.Copy !req
300. - Benny! This is for you!
- Cheers!Copy !req
301. Whoo!
Hey, Benny man.Copy !req
302. I don't want you to think... I don't want you
to think I'm makin' friends over there...Copy !req
303. - and I done forgot about you...
have a little swig.Copy !req
304. - As I was saying, I received
my B.A. From S.M.U.,
- Yes.Copy !req
305. - And my Ph.D. From M.I.T.
- Uh-huh. Well, well! "Très impress me."Copy !req
306. I'll have you know that
I bought my B.L.T. From Mickey D's.Copy !req
307. Get all my ground beef from A&P...Copy !req
308. - and once got V.D. In D.C.
- Whoa!Copy !req
309. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
310. I guess it's time for me
to get this party started.Copy !req
311. Hey, man! "Excusa moi."Copy !req
312. Monsieur Massengill.Copy !req
313. - Now, do you know any RickJames?
- Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
314. Come on, man. Trust me.
That's what this party needs, man!Copy !req
315. I used to be the tambourine player with
Cephus and Reesie so I know music, man.Copy !req
316. Now, come on, let's count it off
on four, "Superfreak," right?Copy !req
317. One, two, three, four!Copy !req
318. Oh, watch me now.Copy !req
319. You ain't never seen nobody
funky penguin like this, huh?Copy !req
320. - Ah, shucks, now. Funky chicken.Copy !req
321. I can do all the birds, man.
Hey, everybody. "Soul Train."Copy !req
322. Let's line it up, now.
Come on, woman.Copy !req
323. That's right!
I want all the men on this side...Copy !req
324. all the ladies on that side.Copy !req
325. All right...
East Coast, West Coast...Copy !req
326. East Coast, West Coast...Copy !req
327. - Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What, man?Copy !req
328. You the owner of the red Pinto
out there? Go move it!Copy !req
329. Hey, man. I ain't drivin' a Pinto.Copy !req
330. I'm drivin' a Gremlin. Excuse me!Copy !req
331. You're turnin' my party into a fiasco!Copy !req
332. Oh, you ain't gotta thank me,
mon toupée.!Copy !req
333. It's what I do, man!
'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick...Copy !req
334. and all the women
love my cologne!Copy !req
335. Come on!Copy !req
336. We outta here!
See ya next week.Copy !req