1. Hi. I'm Keenan Ivory Wayans,
and welcome to the show.Copy !req
2. You know, I've been trying to think of
different ways to open the show.Copy !req
3. And tonight,
I said to myself, okay.Copy !req
4. Now, what could I possibly do
to get it started large?Copy !req
5. I couldn't think of anything better
than my main man...Copy !req
6. from money-earnin'
Mount Vernon, Heavy D.Copy !req
7. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
8. d In living colordCopy !req
9. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
10. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
11. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
12. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
13. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
14. - d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
15. d And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete dCopy !req
16. d And all mankind danced
to the exact beat dCopy !req
17. - d And at night it was safe
to walk down the street d
- d In living colordCopy !req
18. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
19. d In living colordCopy !req
20. d In living colordCopy !req
21. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
22. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
23. d Everybody here is equally kind dCopy !req
24. d Everybody here is equally kind dCopy !req
25. d Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody dCopy !req
26. - d Everybody here is equally kind d
- d In living colordCopy !req
27. d What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine dCopy !req
28. d In living c-c-c-olordCopy !req
29. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
30. d In living colordCopy !req
31. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
32. d You can do what you wanna do
in living colordCopy !req
33. - d In living colord
- d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
34. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
35. - d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
36. d And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete dCopy !req
37. d And all mankind danced
to the exact beat dCopy !req
38. - d And at night it was safe
to walk down the street d
- d In living colordCopy !req
39. d You can do what you
Do what you, do, do, do dCopy !req
40. d Do, do what you wanna do dCopy !req
41. d In living colordCopy !req
42. d In living colordCopy !req
43. - d Everybody here is equally kind d
- d In living colordCopy !req
44. d What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine dCopy !req
45. - d In living colord
- d How would you feel knowin'
everybody was your friend dCopy !req
46. d From thin to thick
And through thick and thin dCopy !req
47. d And egotistical trips
was put to an end dCopy !req
48. - d In living colord
- d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
49. - d In living colorddCopy !req
50. All rise.
This court is now in session.Copy !req
51. The Honorable
Godfrey Headley presiding!Copy !req
52. Hey, mon!Copy !req
53. Hold on to your briefs,
it's time for another episode...Copy !req
54. of'Hey Mon,"starring that
hard-working judicial family...Copy !req
55. the Headleys.!Copy !req
56. Bring in the first defendant.Copy !req
57. Will the clerk of the court
read the charges?Copy !req
58. The People vs. Beverly Trapp,
soliciting for prostitution!Copy !req
59. Is the counsel for defense present?Copy !req
60. - I am here, Your Honor.
- Then is the prosecutor present?Copy !req
61. I am, Your Honor.Copy !req
62. Wait a minute. You're the judge
and the prosecutor?Copy !req
63. That's right. I'm also
the night court judge, the circuit judge...Copy !req
64. the tennis court judge,
the judge of Star Search...Copy !req
65. a good judge of character and
the understudy forJudge Reinhold.Copy !req
66. That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
67. I'll be the judge of that.Copy !req
68. Mr. Prosecutor,
call your first witness.Copy !req
69. I call my "semi-lazical,"Copy !req
70. hardly-got-six-jobs son
Byron to the stand.Copy !req
71. Hurry up, Rasta boy. You're slow
as the sap on a coconut tree.Copy !req
72. Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth?Copy !req
73. - I do.
- Then who was the girl
I seen you with the other night?Copy !req
74. - What's she talkin' about?
- Bailiff!Copy !req
75. I'll ask the questions 'ere.Copy !req
76. - Rambo Rasta Rambo boy.
- What you talkin' about?Copy !req
77. Who was the woman
you saw her with last night?Copy !req
78. - She was a prostitute!Copy !req
79. - I was workin'!Copy !req
80. And what do you do for a job?Copy !req
81. I'm an undercover officer,
a parole officer,Copy !req
82. a narcotics officer,
chief petty officer,Copy !req
83. a petty chief officer,
a officer and a gentleman,Copy !req
84. and I'm a makeup man
forJudge Reinhold.Copy !req
85. Now, boy. Tell the judge
what happen.!Copy !req
86. - I was workin' as an undercover
Japanese businessman.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
87. Then this woman, she come
whisperin' somethin' in my ear.Copy !req
88. Somethin' about
"givin' me a job" or somethin'!Copy !req
89. - Oh, so this involves jobs!
- It certainly does.Copy !req
90. And, how many jobs do you do?Copy !req
91. Uh, I been known to do, uh,
20 jobs in a night, give or take.Copy !req
92. Whoo! Twenty job in one night!Copy !req
93. You one hard-working heifer.Copy !req
94. Case dismissed. I want you
to meet me in my chamber.Copy !req
95. Next.!Copy !req
96. The People vs. Ryan Thomas,
armed robbery!Copy !req
97. Your Honor. My client says
he has an airtight alibi.Copy !req
98. Wait, this is the public defender?Copy !req
99. That's right. I'm not only the P.D.,
I'm also the D.A., a C.P.A., an E.M. T...Copy !req
100. an O.B. /G.Y.N., the M.V.P. Of
the L.P.G.A., and I am Judge Reinhold.Copy !req
101. I have a very good makeup man,
you know.Copy !req
102. Your Honor,
at the time of the crime...Copy !req
103. - my client was nowhere near the scene.
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
104. At least 50 people saw me. I was
standin' in line to get my unemployment.Copy !req
105. Unemployment!Copy !req
106. You collectin' money
for not even workin'?Copy !req
107. Ooh, that's a crime
if I ever heard of one!Copy !req
108. You lazy radish Yankee tub,
get out of my court!Copy !req
109. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!Copy !req
110. Next!Copy !req
111. The State vs. Reginald McCort.!Copy !req
112. McCort? What kinda dumb name
is that for a Rasta?Copy !req
113. Black Irish.Copy !req
114. And what have you gotta
say for yourself, leprechaun?Copy !req
115. Well, Your Honor, I admit, Your Honesty,
I'm a forger, an embezzler...Copy !req
116. a burglar, a pickpocket,
a jaywalker, a shoplifter...Copy !req
117. a numbers-runner, a con man.Copy !req
118. I tear the labels off of mattresses,
and I make illegal copies...Copy !req
119. ofJudge Reinhold movies.Copy !req
120. Court Stenographer,
how many t'ing were that...Copy !req
121. - "Mr. Lucky Charm" say?
- Ten t'ings!Copy !req
122. Ten t'ings?Copy !req
123. You one hard-working mon.Copy !req
124. I sentence you to
ten year at hard labor.Copy !req
125. Thank you, Your Honesty.Copy !req
126. Did you hear what I said?
I said, "hard labor"!Copy !req
127. Hey, mon!Copy !req
128. I sentence all the Headleys
to ten years' hard labor.Copy !req
129. - Hilda, you gonna make a license plate.Copy !req
130. Byron, you gonna do the laundry.
Matilda, you gonna get in the metal shop.Copy !req
131. And l... I gonna work
in the chain gang.Copy !req
132. - Hey!
- Okay, we share the chain gang.Copy !req
133. Hey, mon! Then we go to jail!Copy !req
134. ddCopy !req
135. ddCopy !req
136. Shahara Zah Ali.
You've seen her on Donahue.Copy !req
137. And it's every black man's right to slap
a black woman in the mouth.Copy !req
138. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
139. You've seen her on
SallyJessy Raphael.Copy !req
140. A black woman should not complain
about sharin' her black man.Copy !req
141. Don't deny it.
You're denyin' it! See...Copy !req
142. And, you've seen her on
Farm Report.Copy !req
143. Furthermore, if a black hog
wants to keep his sty together...Copy !req
144. he should slap his black sow in the mouth
when she needs it... don't deny it!Copy !req
145. She's Shahara Zah Ali, the author of...Copy !req
146. You've read her book.
Now, get her new, how-to video.Copy !req
147. This easy to follow,
step-by-step guide...Copy !req
148. will make you, once again,
the king of your domain.Copy !req
149. Find out if you have what it
takes with this simple quiz...Copy !req
150. from part one ofher video,
"Lines of Communication."Copy !req
151. - Hey, babe.
- Hi, baby!Copy !req
152. - Is it 6:00 already?
- You know it.Copy !req
153. Oh, you know LittleJake went and blew up
his Ninja Turtle in the microwave today.Copy !req
154. And then Aquanetta twisted and broke
her ankle tryin' to do that Vogue dance...Copy !req
155. - so, I mean, I had to rush her to the hospital.
- So I got no dinner?Copy !req
156. Mm-hmm. Now what
would you do in this situation:Copy !req
157. A., take her out to a nice restaurant...Copy !req
158. B., have dinner at your girlfriend's...Copy !req
159. or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
160. The answer, of course, is "C."Copy !req
161. A good slap in the mouth will
train your black woman...Copy !req
162. not to put her trivial
concerns over your needs.Copy !req
163. Situation number two. Your wife
finds out you're havin'an affair.Copy !req
164. With my own sister?Copy !req
165. Look, l...Copy !req
166. What do you give your wife:
A., a dozen long-stem roses...Copy !req
167. B., the necklace you were going
to give your girlfriend...Copy !req
168. or C., an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
169. Now, if you said "C", you're well
on your way to becoming king.Copy !req
170. Now here's a tough one.
Your wife does somethin'nice.Copy !req
171. I say it's tough, 'cause a black woman ain't
gonna never do nothin'nice for a black man.Copy !req
172. She's sneaky, and if she does
something nice, it's a trick... watch her.Copy !req
173. Hey, baby! I got you
two tickets to the Lakers game.Copy !req
174. Lemme see those...Copy !req
175. Do you, A., thank her and ask
her if she'd like to join you...Copy !req
176. B., thank her and take
your girlfriend...Copy !req
177. or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?Copy !req
178. The answer is "B" and "C."Copy !req
179. Before you take your girlfriend,
remember this:Copy !req
180. An unexpected slap never hurts.Copy !req
181. Now, if you answered any
of these questions correctly...Copy !req
182. you're ready to move on
to Part Two:Copy !req
183. "Puttin' the Man
Back in Manhandling."Copy !req
184. Featurin' actual demonstrations
by real experts...Copy !req
185. such as Mike Tyson
and Ike Turner.Copy !req
186. Order my video: A Blackman's Rights
Lefts & Uppercuts.Copy !req
187. Make your wife buy it today.
If she hesitates...Copy !req
188. you know what to do.Copy !req
189. - Hey, I was watchin' that.Copy !req
190. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah? Well, you're gonna be.Copy !req
191. Shahara Zah that!Copy !req
192. So is this place okay for you, or...Copy !req
193. Yeah, no. It's fine.
I think it looks fine.Copy !req
194. I figured you'd like it, you know.
Soul food and stuff.Copy !req
195. Hey, thanks Jake.Copy !req
196. It's our way of sayin' welcome to
the practice, man. Make you feel at home.Copy !req
197. - Uh, hello?
- Oh, just a second. I'll be right with ya.Copy !req
198. How are my two babies doin' today?Copy !req
199. - We're doin' good. How are you?
- Ohh...Copy !req
200. My rheumatism actin' up.
And my piles been painin' me.Copy !req
201. But I couldn't be better, now that
my two good-lookin' gentlemen friends...Copy !req
202. have come in to have a good old,
home-cooked meal from Mama.Copy !req
203. - Who said veal? Somebody want veal?
Pick it up.Copy !req
204. Oh, you the spittin' image
of my godson Jarvis.Copy !req
205. - Frances, don't he look likeJarvis?
- Mm-hmm. Look just likeJarvis.Copy !req
206. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
207. - You boys seems so fancy. What are ya?Copy !req
208. Well, we're both orthodontists.Copy !req
209. Oh, baby, that ain't nothin'
to be ashamed of.Copy !req
210. 'Course, I'm a Baptist myself.Copy !req
211. But I hear y'all got
a good service.Copy !req
212. Mm-hmm! Just likeJarvis.Copy !req
213. - I ain't say nothin' about noJarvis.
- You just said Jarvis.Copy !req
214. I said that three days ago.
Where you been?Copy !req
215. - Don't get my pressure up.
- Who said they want fruit cup?Copy !req
216. Pick it up!Copy !req
217. - Oh. Y'all gonna stand around like
my name is Ma Bell.Copy !req
218. Hmm. Every time the phone rings,
everybody goes deaf.Copy !req
219. - But me. Makes me sick.Copy !req
220. Hello? Snackin' Shack.Copy !req
221. They'll be a 45 minute wait.Copy !req
222. Johnny Carson? I don't care
if you Johnny Appleseed.Copy !req
223. There's still a 45 minute wait.Copy !req
224. - Excuse me?
- No need to excuse yourself. What you want?Copy !req
225. - I'd like to be seated.
- I'd like to have these corns off my feet...Copy !req
226. but we can't always
have what we want.Copy !req
227. - But the tables are empty.
- They empty, but they reserved.Copy !req
228. - You got a reservation?
- No, but...Copy !req
229. Then you just gonna have to wait till
I sit yo' big butt down there, won't you?Copy !req
230. Uh, excuse me?
Ma'am, could we get some water?Copy !req
231. Oh, sure, baby.Copy !req
232. Why don't you do the ordering?Copy !req
233. - Yeah, do the ordering.
- Here you go, drink up.Copy !req
234. - Oh, thanks.
- Do you have any Pellegrino?Copy !req
235. Oh, no, baby.
That's just a little bit of psoriasis.Copy !req
236. But boy, it sure do make
my skin flake.Copy !req
237. - Who say they want steak?
Pick it up! Steak!Copy !req
238. So, what you two boys gonna have?Copy !req
239. - Oh, don't pay no mind to this.
- Uh, well let me see.Copy !req
240. What about the, uh, meat loaf?Copy !req
241. - Meat loaf!
- Meat loaf!Copy !req
242. - Ain't no mo' meat loaf.
- Ain't no mo' meat loaf.Copy !req
243. - We ain't got no mo' meat loaf.
- All right.Copy !req
244. Uh, then what about
the fried chicken?Copy !req
245. - Fried chicken!
- Fried chicken!Copy !req
246. - Ain't no mo' fried chicken.
- No mo' fried chicken.Copy !req
247. - We ain't got no mo' fried chicken.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
248. - Um, uh, then give me the ribs.
- Ribs!Copy !req
249. - Ribs!
- Ain't no mo' ribs.Copy !req
250. - What do you have?
- We have chitlins.Copy !req
251. Oh, that sounds great.
How is it prepared?Copy !req
252. Only but one way
to prepare 'em.Copy !req
253. First, you cut 'em out the pig,
then you squeeze out the dookey...Copy !req
254. then you turn 'em inside out and let 'em
set in bleach for about two days.Copy !req
255. And just as the funk start risin' off
the top, that's when you boil 'em.Copy !req
256. Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, I think I'll have some soup.Copy !req
257. - Okay. Two soups.
- Two soups. Pick it up!Copy !req
258. - Excuse me?Copy !req
259. Now I said that I'd be with you. Now don't
you rush me. Mama gonna have to spank you.Copy !req
260. - I'll be with you when I finish.
- Who wants spinach? Pick it up!Copy !req
261. Excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me?
I think I'll need a spoon.Copy !req
262. - What you say, baby?
- Uh, spoon?Copy !req
263. Oh, did Mama forget
to give you the silverware?Copy !req
264. Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You want
a big spoon or a little spoon?Copy !req
265. - Uh, soup spoon.
- Oh, let Mama see what she got
down here for you.Copy !req
266. Oh, here you go, baby.
You want a napkin?Copy !req
267. Uh, no-no, no, no, no!Copy !req
268. - I'll, uh...
- Use up his sleeves.Copy !req
269. - Hey, you know what? This is really good.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
270. Excuse me? What's in this soup?Copy !req
271. Oh, let me see.Copy !req
272. Oh, feel like your earring, Frances.
And your hairnet too.Copy !req
273. Oh, oh, lucky day!Copy !req
274. Oh! Oh, look.
I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
275. - Who said they want Spam? Spam! Pick it up!Copy !req
276. Uh, I just can't eat here.
I hope you're not offended.Copy !req
277. Offended? No. Not really.Copy !req
278. I know this great place on
the west side. Want to check it out?Copy !req
279. - Sounds great.
- All right, let's go.Copy !req
280. - It's your night.
- Where you goin', babies?Copy !req
281. They didn't even touch their food.Copy !req
282. Excuse me. Can I please get
a seat now?Copy !req
283. Oh, baby, you can sit wherever you want.
But the kitchen's closed.Copy !req
284. So if you want to eat, you're gonna have to
take your chubby behind somewhere else.Copy !req
285. Somebody sayJarvis was out here?Copy !req
286. Benny! Hey, I just wanted to thank
you for inviting me here.Copy !req
287. You know, nothing makes me happier
than saving the dolphins.Copy !req
288. Except for workin' for you at Gemco,
maybe, huh?Copy !req
289. I'm sure everyone here would agree.Copy !req
290. - Oh, no! What is he doin' here?
- I'm sorry?Copy !req
291. Excuse me, sir.
This party is by invitation only.Copy !req
292. Well, the name is Frenchy.
And don't be so "Coupe de Ville."Copy !req
293. Of course I have an invitation.
I'm here with Benny.Copy !req
294. Hey, Benny!
High five! High five!Copy !req
295. High five! Better than me.
You see? I'm with him.Copy !req
296. Now, you know I got to be,
because I'm hip.Copy !req
297. I'm slick. And all the women
love... my clothes. Gotcha!Copy !req
298. Hey, Benny!
Mon souffle, man!Copy !req
299. - What?Copy !req
300. Oh, man! What you got here, Benny?
Ain't nothin' but some frankfurters...Copy !req
301. wrapped in bread, man!Copy !req
302. I thought you told me it was a classy affair.
I'm glad I brought these hot wings.Copy !req
303. - What are you... Oh, my...
- Here, man.Copy !req
304. - How the hell did you find me?
- Oh, "tres simple."Copy !req
305. When you accidentally threw
my number in the trash can...Copy !req
306. I ran outside and took down
your license plate number.Copy !req
307. Then I called the D.M.V.
They give me your ex-wife's last name?Copy !req
308. I called her. I talked to her for
five minutes, and you know what she say?Copy !req
309. Here the address, here the telephone
number, just go on down there.Copy !req
310. She say me and you
deserve each other, Benny.Copy !req
311. Oh, yeah. I owe her one.
Can you excuse me a second?Copy !req
312. - I gotta get something over here.
- All right.Copy !req
313. Well, bonjour, "mon derriere."Copy !req
314. It's a pleasure
to make your "acquaint-ance."Copy !req
315. Uh, I'm a friend of Benny. My name is
Leonard, but everybody calls me Frenchy.Copy !req
316. - Oh, why is that?
- 'Cause I took French in 11 th grade.Copy !req
317. And I love to kiss that way.Copy !req
318. You certainly do!Copy !req
319. Hey, Bruce Lee!Copy !req
320. - A friend of Benny's.
- Man, I love your movies, man.Copy !req
321. - Hi!
- Yeah, hi!Copy !req
322. Say hello to Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar for me.Copy !req
323. Look, um, Frenchy, do you know that
this affair cost over $1,000 a head?Copy !req
324. - A thousand dollars a head?
- Yes!Copy !req
325. Oh, man, you gettin' ripped off.
I know these...Copy !req
326. No, no, no. That's not what I mean,
all right?Copy !req
327. This is to raise funds
for the dolphins.Copy !req
328. Oh, man! I don't tell you how
to spend your money, Benny.Copy !req
329. - But it's the Rams that's in trouble!
- Oh, you are a...Copy !req
330. Excuse me.
That is a gorgeous gown.Copy !req
331. - Well, thank you, Benny.
- Uh-huh. That look like
the one my mama got...Copy !req
332. on the Home Shopping Club.Copy !req
333. - Is that polyester?
- No, actually, it's 100% raw silk.Copy !req
334. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe one day you can
save up and put some on layaway.Copy !req
335. Oh! Hey, Bruce Lee!Copy !req
336. What's goin' on, man? How you doin'?
What's you drinkin', man?Copy !req
337. What they got there, champagne?
Oh, man.Copy !req
338. B.Y.O.B.B.
"Bring Your Own Brown Bag."Copy !req
339. That's right.
I got the good stuff here.Copy !req
340. "Cold Duck." That's right.Copy !req
341. Give ya half the taste and twice the gas.Copy !req
342. - You like that? But hey, I'm hip.Copy !req
343. I'm slick, and all the women
want my phone number.Copy !req
344. Hey, Benny.
Let's toast to Benny.Copy !req
345. - Benny! This is for you!
- Cheers!Copy !req
346. Whoo!
Hey, Benny man.Copy !req
347. I don't want you to think... I don't want you
to think I'm makin' friends over there...Copy !req
348. - and I done forgot about you...
have a little swig.Copy !req
349. - As I was saying, I received
my B.A. From S.M.U.,
- Yes.Copy !req
350. - And my Ph.D. From M.I.T.
- Uh-huh. Well, well! "Tres impress me."Copy !req
351. I'll have you know that
I bought my B.L.T. From Mickey D's.Copy !req
352. Get all my ground beef from A&P...Copy !req
353. - and once got V.D. In D.C.
- Whoa!Copy !req
354. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
355. I guess it's time for me
to get this party started.Copy !req
356. Hey, man! "Excusa moi."Copy !req
357. Monsieur Massengill.Copy !req
358. - Now, do you know any RickJames?
- Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
359. Come on, man. Trust me.
That's what this party needs, man!Copy !req
360. I used to be the tambourine player with
Cephus and Reesie so I know music, man.Copy !req
361. Now, come on, let's count it off
on four, "Superfreak," right?Copy !req
362. One, two, three, four!Copy !req
363. - dd
- ddCopy !req
364. Oh, watch me now.Copy !req
365. You ain't never seen nobody
funky penguin like this, huh?Copy !req
366. - Ah, shucks, now. Funky chicken.
- ddCopy !req
367. I can do all the birds, man.
Hey, everybody. "Soul Train."Copy !req
368. Let's line it up, now.
Come on, woman.Copy !req
369. That's right!
I want all the men on this side...Copy !req
370. all the ladies on that side.Copy !req
371. All right...
East Coast, West Coast...Copy !req
372. East Coast, West Coast...Copy !req
373. ddCopy !req
374. - Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What, man?Copy !req
375. You the owner of the red Pinto
out there? Go move it!Copy !req
376. Hey, man. I ain't drivin' a Pinto.Copy !req
377. I'm drivin' a Gremlin. Excuse me!Copy !req
378. - dd
- What are you...Copy !req
379. - dd
- You Jheri-Curl-juice-drippin' sharecropper!Copy !req
380. You're turnin' my party into a fiasco!Copy !req
381. Oh, you ain't gotta thank me,
mon toupee.!Copy !req
382. It's what I do, man!
'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick...Copy !req
383. and all the women
love my cologne!Copy !req
384. Come on!Copy !req
385. - dd
- I don't know this man. I don't know him.Copy !req
386. ddCopy !req
387. We outta here!
See ya next week.Copy !req
388. d You can do what you wanna do ddCopy !req