1. A man wins an Emmy,
he becomes preeminent.Copy !req
2. He has his certain enthusiasms.Copy !req
3. Enthusiasms.Copy !req
4. Now, can anybody guess
what my enthusiasms are?Copy !req
5. What it is that
brings me great joy?Copy !req
6. Shirts with loud prints?Copy !req
7. - Giving jobs to people named Wayans?Copy !req
8. Baseball...
The great American pastime.Copy !req
9. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
10. You see, much like producing
an award-winning comedy-variety series...Copy !req
11. - it's a team effort.
- Yeah.Copy !req
12. A man writes his sketch
with setups...Copy !req
13. punch lines, follow-ups.Copy !req
14. The cast gets laughs,
we all get laughs.Copy !req
15. But what happens if a guy...Copy !req
16. writes a self-indulgence sketch?Copy !req
17. What do we get then, huh?Copy !req
18. - Uh, nothin'.
- Nothin'.Copy !req
19. You see, sometimes a man steps up
to a typewriter, thinking of themselves...Copy !req
20. trying to hit a home run.Copy !req
21. But the team gets nothin'.Copy !req
22. Now that was merely
a demonstration.Copy !req
23. You see, even though
we've won an Emmy...Copy !req
24. I don't want anybody
resting on their laurels.Copy !req
25. - You got that?
- Yeah.Copy !req
26. Good. Then let's get this show started
with some enthusiasm.Copy !req
27. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
28. d In living colordCopy !req
29. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
30. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
31. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
32. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
33. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
34. - d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
35. d And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete dCopy !req
36. d And all mankind danced
to the exact beat dCopy !req
37. - d And at night it was safe
to walk down the street d
- d In living colordCopy !req
38. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
39. d In living colordCopy !req
40. d In living colordCopy !req
41. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
42. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
43. d Everybody here is equally kind dCopy !req
44. d Everybody here is equally kind dCopy !req
45. d Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody dCopy !req
46. - d Everybody here is equally kind d
- d In living colordCopy !req
47. d What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine dCopy !req
48. d In living c-c-c-olordCopy !req
49. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
50. d In living colordCopy !req
51. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
52. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
53. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
54. - d Take it from me It's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
55. d You can do what you wanna do
in living colorddCopy !req
56. ddCopy !req
57. What's wrong, Marge?
You look worried.Copy !req
58. Well, it's just that that's Dave's
fifth helping of deviled eggs...Copy !req
59. and they give him such,
you know, gas.Copy !req
60. Don't tell me you haven't
heard about new Flatuscents.Copy !req
61. - Flatuscents?
- Yes.Copy !req
62. They're the new aromatic
suppositories from Pooco.Copy !req
63. It takes the worry
out of having gas.Copy !req
64. Yes, Flatuscents.Copy !req
65. The new easily inserted,
time-released personal aroma disks.Copy !req
66. Mm, lilac mist.Copy !req
67. My favorite is fresh herbal.
Mm.Copy !req
68. Dave!Copy !req
69. Relax.Copy !req
70. I have Flatuscents.Copy !req
71. Hey, do I smell fresh flowers?Copy !req
72. Flatuscents turn
a potentially embarrassing situation...Copy !req
73. into a burst of potpourri.Copy !req
74. Hold everything!Copy !req
75. Flatuscents now come in the most
exciting aroma yet... new car.Copy !req
76. ddCopy !req
77. Dave, is this a new car?Copy !req
78. Nope. Had a couple of chili dogs
at the game.Copy !req
79. - I don't get it.
- Make sure you do.Copy !req
80. Flatuscents.
Don't get gas without them.Copy !req
81. ddCopy !req
82. Mm, good morning and good night...Copy !req
83. to all you insomniacs
and early-risers.Copy !req
84. It's 4:00 a.m.,
and you know what that means.Copy !req
85. It's time for
The Magenta Thompson Show.Copy !req
86. She lit up the silver screen,
and now she's going to light up your morning.Copy !req
87. Please welcome Magenta Thompson.Copy !req
88. - Ow! Will you turn that music off, please?
- ddCopy !req
89. - We're on. We're on.
- What?Copy !req
90. - I said we're on.
- Don't point at me. That's so rude.Copy !req
91. Hi. Welcome to
The Magenta Thompson Show.Copy !req
92. Uh, you know,
I was gonna do this, uh...Copy !req
93. monologue,
this opening monologue for you...Copy !req
94. but I can't really
find it anywhere, so um...Copy !req
95. You know, I guess I'll just show you
a clip of my performance in Shaft.Copy !req
96. That was really the, uh...Copy !req
97. That was really the, uh, role
that launched my film career.Copy !req
98. Paul, do we still have that
cued up from last night?Copy !req
99. - Yeah, we sure do, Magenta.
- Roll it.Copy !req
100. Get outta my way, bitch!Copy !req
101. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
102. I was really something
in those days.Copy !req
103. You know, that blonde on Mod Squad
never took a fall like that.Copy !req
104. You know, but I guess if you want
a prime-time TV show, all you gotta do...Copy !req
105. is give a little something to Mr. Quincy
"Ooh, I produce MichaelJackson albums'Jones.Copy !req
106. You know, one... one white, one black
and one incompetent little slut...Copy !req
107. that's what the show's motto
shoulda been.Copy !req
108. - Go to the sponsor.
- What?Copy !req
109. - Yeah. Yes.Copy !req
110. It's the Mr. Drippy
Stop Smoking Kit.Copy !req
111. It's the only system
that uses carbonated spring water.Copy !req
112. Welcome, Mr. Drippy,
to the Magenta Thompson sponsor family.Copy !req
113. Now, uh, let's bring
on my first guest...Copy !req
114. another untalented blonde who, uh, managed
to land herself a prime-time TV show...Copy !req
115. for what reason, we can't really be sure...
Sarah Purcell.Copy !req
116. - We got to...
- You're spitting on me! What?Copy !req
117. - She won't?Copy !req
118. - We got Pam Grier.
- Oh. Who?Copy !req
119. - Pam Grier.
- Pam Grier.Copy !req
120. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Pam Grier.Copy !req
121. Well, uh, let's welcome
Pam Grier, shall we?Copy !req
122. - ddCopy !req
123. Hi, Pam. Sit down. Uh...Copy !req
124. You, uh, you want some coffee?Copy !req
125. No.Copy !req
126. I'm gonna have some.Copy !req
127. So, uh, Pam,
you, uh, you, uh...Copy !req
128. starred in a number of films
in the '70s, didn't you?Copy !req
129. Uh, Coffy and Foxy Brown.Copy !req
130. Uh, Big Doll House.
Uh, Black Mama, White Mama.Copy !req
131. I think that was the one
where you kept your shirt on, wasn't it?Copy !req
132. Well, anyway,
I guess the, uh...Copy !req
133. I guess the question
that I have for you tonight is, uh, um...Copy !req
134. Wh-Why wasn't I
in any of these films?Copy !req
135. - Excuse me?
- Look. Just don't bother.Copy !req
136. I guess I didn't sleep
with the right people.Copy !req
137. - I don't believe that l...
- You know, when I starred in Superfly...Copy !req
138. you know, I got that role
through my acting talent alone.Copy !req
139. - Th-There was no horizontal auditioning
for this, babe.
- You starred in Superfly?Copy !req
140. That's right. Here, let me show you what
I mean. Paul, do we still have that cued up?Copy !req
141. - Yeah, roll it, hon.Copy !req
142. Get outta my way, you bitch!Copy !req
143. A little something that we used to call
"star quality," Pam.Copy !req
144. - That's real acting.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
145. - Well, you know, if you wanna do that.
- Yeah, well, thanks.Copy !req
146. Pam, it's been, uh...Copy !req
147. What? What,
are we landing a plane?Copy !req
148. You know,
l-I played those games.Copy !req
149. I jumped on the casting couch once or twice.
You wanna know what it got me?Copy !req
150. - I never did that.
- It got me the greatest role of my career.Copy !req
151. That's right...
Mother, Jugs and Speed.Copy !req
152. Roll it, Paul.Copy !req
153. Somebody get this bitch
outta my way!Copy !req
154. Yes. Yes!Copy !req
155. You know, I can't believe that ended up
on the cutting room floor.Copy !req
156. It really could have changed
the whole course of my career.Copy !req
157. - Yeah, I see that.
- Well... All right.Copy !req
158. All right!Copy !req
159. I guess that does it
for The Magenta Thompson Show tonight.Copy !req
160. Thank you for joining us. Um, won't you,
uh, tune in tomorrow night...Copy !req
161. when our special guest is Ann B. Davis
from The Brady Bunch.Copy !req
162. - Thanks.
- ddCopy !req
163. Pam, that's the end of the show, all right?
Let's go here.Copy !req
164. Who... Who is she anyway?
I've never heard of her.Copy !req
165. You danced to their records,
you sat through their concerts...Copy !req
166. now the singing soul sensations Cephus and
Reesie Mayweather are coming to your town...Copy !req
167. in the new Broadway gospel musical written,
directed and choreographed...Copy !req
168. - dd
- By the Mayweathers themselves.Copy !req
169. d Get off the Lord's bus
if you ain't got correct change dCopy !req
170. d Don't sit on the devil's soul
if you're too hot to ride the range dCopy !req
171. dJust keep singing gospel
if you don't start feeling strange dCopy !req
172. d Then one day you'll find yourself
home on the range dCopy !req
173. d So gimme a home
where the buffalo roam dCopy !req
174. d Where the deer
and the antelope play dCopy !req
175. - d Hip-hip hoppin' on down dd
- Now wait a minute!Copy !req
176. - Now wait a minute!
- What?Copy !req
177. - That's a different song.
- Sure is.Copy !req
178. You'll think the next stop
is the very gates ofheaven...Copy !req
179. as Cephus sings
"Can I Get a Transfer?"Copy !req
180. d Get a transfer
Can I get a transfer dCopy !req
181. - dd
- d Can't go to school without a transfer dCopy !req
182. d Can't go home without a transfer dCopy !req
183. d Can't go to work without a transfer dCopy !req
184. d Can't go to school without a transfer dCopy !req
185. - d Transfer d
- d Aah ddCopy !req
186. Your heart will take
the express to that great station in the sky...Copy !req
187. when Cephus, Reesie and the entire ensemble
sing "Don't Talk to the Driver."Copy !req
188. - d Don't talk d
- d Don't talk dCopy !req
189. - d To the driver d
- d Driver dCopy !req
190. - d When the bus d
- d When the bus dCopy !req
191. - d Is in motion d
- d Motion dCopy !req
192. d Remain behind the white line dCopy !req
193. d The white line dCopy !req
194. - d Don't talk d
- d Don't talk dCopy !req
195. - d To the driver d
- d Driver dCopy !req
196. - d When the bus d
- d When the bus dCopy !req
197. - d Is in motion d
- d Motion dCopy !req
198. d Remain behind the white line dCopy !req
199. - d I'm driving d
- d I'm sorry, Mr. Driver. He won't listen to me dCopy !req
200. - d Hey, driver. He won't listen to me d
- d Beep, beep dCopy !req
201. - d Hey, driver, excuse me. Excuse me d
- d Get outta my way dCopy !req
202. d He gonna crash the bus
He gonna crash the bus dCopy !req
203. d Here we go
Here we go ddCopy !req
204. Cephus and Reesie sing with such soul...Copy !req
205. such heart, such conviction, you'll swear
they know what they're saying.Copy !req
206. Coming Saturday to the Coleville County
Livestock Show Arena.Copy !req
207. ddCopy !req
208. ddCopy !req
209. Oh, honey, I just love
dancing cheek to cheek.Copy !req
210. It's time for another episode
from the annals of those zany crack-ups...Copy !req
211. The Buttmans.Copy !req
212. Gosh, hon, look at this table.Copy !req
213. Boy, you must have really
worked your head off.Copy !req
214. Oh, I hope it's okay.
I just can't believe it.Copy !req
215. Our little girl
is having her first date.Copy !req
216. Yeah, I know what you mean. It seems like
only yesterday you were in the delivery room...Copy !req
217. and the doctor held her up
and slapped her pretty face.Copy !req
218. ddCopy !req
219. Hey, turn that off.Copy !req
220. Brenda's got a boyfriend.
Brenda's got a boyfriend.Copy !req
221. Stop that! Now this is
a very important night for your sister...Copy !req
222. and I won't have you
making an ass of yourself.Copy !req
223. That's right. Is she ready?
Richard will be here any minute.Copy !req
224. - Oh.!
- Here I am, Mom.Copy !req
225. She's so lovely, I could cry.Copy !req
226. That's a lovely hair band.Copy !req
227. Do you like it?
I got the idea from watching a Cher video.Copy !req
228. I love it.Copy !req
229. - That Richard's a lucky boy.Copy !req
230. Oh, there he is. I sure hope everybody
likes him as much as I do.Copy !req
231. I'm sure we will.Copy !req
232. Mom, Dad, Jimmy,
this is Richard Dickerson.Copy !req
233. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
234. Well, welcome, Richard.Copy !req
235. Everybody calls me Dick.Copy !req
236. I guess it's just
easier to remember.Copy !req
237. Boy, he sure does have a big...Copy !req
238. Dick plays football.Copy !req
239. Oh, shoot,
I'm just second-string.Copy !req
240. Well, sit down, Dick. Take a load off.
Dinner will be ready in a second.Copy !req
241. Thanks. I'm kind of bushed.Copy !req
242. Well, you know, our son Jimmy here
plays football too. Don't you?Copy !req
243. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. I play tight end.
What position do you play?Copy !req
244. A little nose tackle. They put me in
when they want better penetration.Copy !req
245. Mostly, I just hang out though.Copy !req
246. So, how did you two meet?Copy !req
247. We met in biology class.
When it comes to biology, Dick knows.Copy !req
248. Of course, I can't write
a term paper like Brenda.Copy !req
249. But when we put
our heads together...Copy !req
250. There's something else
that we'd like to do.Copy !req
251. Pork?Copy !req
252. Oh, no. Dick's allergic to pork.Copy !req
253. Makes my nose run like crazy.Copy !req
254. - Oh, no, don't.
- Well, we wouldn't want that now, would we?Copy !req
255. - Do we have anything else for Dick?
- Butt steak.Copy !req
256. My favorite. Put that between
a couple of buns, and I'm a happy guy.Copy !req
257. All right, well,
dive in, Dick.Copy !req
258. Buttmans, stuff your faces.Copy !req
259. I really had a great time
tonight, Brenda.Copy !req
260. I hope I didn't come off
as being stiff.Copy !req
261. Don't be a weenie.Copy !req
262. My parents may be watching.Copy !req
263. - Eskimo kiss?
- Okay.Copy !req
264. Oh, wow, honey. I'm really sorry
I seemed so distracted tonight.Copy !req
265. I mean, I didn't even know
my head from a hole in the ground.Copy !req
266. I know what you mean.
He's just so different.Copy !req
267. Yeah. Who would have
ever expected it?Copy !req
268. Our daughter
dating a white guy.Copy !req
269. All right, all right. Thanks for coming in.
Come visit us again, all right?Copy !req
270. All right.Copy !req
271. Later.Copy !req
272. Yo, yo, fight the power.Copy !req
273. - Hey, Joy!
- What?Copy !req
274. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
275. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
276. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
277. - Come here.
- What if I don't?Copy !req
278. I won't put you
in my next movie.Copy !req
279. Look, Spike. How many times
do I have to tell you?Copy !req
280. It's notJoy, it's Joi.Copy !req
281. Joy, we're back in Brooklyn, all right?
All right?Copy !req
282. In Brooklyn,
it's Joy, notJoi, okay?Copy !req
283. It's notJackay, all right?
It's Jackie.Copy !req
284. It's not Sade, all right?
It's Sadie.Copy !req
285. - All right?
- All right.Copy !req
286. What you gonna call me next?
What you gonna call me, Spikay?Copy !req
287. Get outta here.
I wanna show you my new product.Copy !req
288. Check it out.
Ah, you likes, right?Copy !req
289. You likes, right? Ah, this is
the Mo' Better butter dispenser.Copy !req
290. Check it out.Copy !req
291. Ah.Copy !req
292. I've tasted butter,
but this is Mo' Better butter.Copy !req
293. Go stack that over there.
Stack it by the Malcolm Ex-lax.Copy !req
294. I got a customer.Copy !req
295. - Can I help you?
- Yeah, do you carry sneakers?Copy !req
296. - Sneakers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
297. - Like tennis shoes?
- Right.Copy !req
298. - Like basketball shoes?
- Yes.Copy !req
299. - Like just plain sneakers?
- Yes.Copy !req
300. - Got 'em.
- Oh, great.Copy !req
301. Check it out.
My own line.Copy !req
302. - Oh.
- Spikes. You like?Copy !req
303. - No.
- Come on. You gotta like.Copy !req
304. - No, l...
- Come on, look. You gotta like.Copy !req
305. - I don't.
- Please, baby, baby, please.Copy !req
306. Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, please.Copy !req
307. Please, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.Copy !req
308. - Please, baby, baby, please.
- Okay, I'll take them.Copy !req
309. - All right. You sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
310. - You want 'em?
- Yes.Copy !req
311. - You buy 'em?
- Yes.Copy !req
312. - You sure?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
313. All right.
You can pay for them right over here.Copy !req
314. You get a copy
of School Daze with that.Copy !req
315. - Oh. That's okay.
- It's free.Copy !req
316. - Oh, it's free?
- Free.Copy !req
317. That's okay.Copy !req
318. - Get outta here!Copy !req
319. What do you want? What do you want?
I'm gonna go broke.!Copy !req
320. Here! Here!
You're gonna drive me crazy.Copy !req
321. - Mm-mm-mm. Thank you.
- You sound like a machine gun.Copy !req
322. ddCopy !req
323. Excuse me.
Can you turn the radio down, please?Copy !req
324. - dd
- Excuse me.Copy !req
325. Can you turn your radio
down, please? Hey!Copy !req
326. Excuse me. I'd like to return
this free copy of School Daze.Copy !req
327. What's wrong?
It's defective?Copy !req
328. No. I didn't go to a black college.
I just didn't get it.Copy !req
329. Can you please
turn your radio down? Hey.Copy !req
330. - Can you please turn your radio down?Copy !req
331. Hello. Spike's Joint.Copy !req
332. Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Deliver pizzas to your house.Copy !req
333. - Yeah, right. For the 40th time, hell no!
- ddCopy !req
334. Can you turn
your radio down, please?Copy !req
335. Hey, Spike. Why doesn't Nike appoint
any black people to its board of directors, man?Copy !req
336. It's a very complicated issue, all right?
But you can read about it in my new book:Copy !req
337. The Making of Nike Commercials.Copy !req
338. All right? $9.95.Copy !req
339. - I need 20 triple "A" batteries for my radio.
- We don't have any batteries.Copy !req
340. - You're gonna have to turn your radio down.
- No batteries?Copy !req
341. - Twenty triple "A"?
- Turn your radio down.Copy !req
342. - Turn that down. We don't have any batteries.
- Excuse me.Copy !req
343. Excuse me. Mookie, when are you gonna
take care of your kids, all right?Copy !req
344. It's... It's not Mookie, all right?
It's Spike, all right?Copy !req
345. Turn the radio down.
What do you want?Copy !req
346. - Get outta here. Get outta here.Copy !req
347. - Get outta here!
- How come there's no white people
on the wall, man?Copy !req
348. This is Spike's Joint, all right?
When you get your own joint...Copy !req
349. You can put anybody
you want on the wall.Copy !req
350. - The guy who was in Gilligan, man.Copy !req
351. Huh? How come he's not...Copy !req
352. Now, I know what
you're thinking right now.Copy !req
353. You're thinking, " Hey, now's a great time
to throw a trash can through the window."Copy !req
354. Well, I couldn't agree with you more.Copy !req
355. That's why I've got trash cans
in the back for $15.Copy !req
356. All right?
They're lightweight and riot size.Copy !req
357. What a discount.Copy !req
358. You'll also get a free copy
of School Daze.Copy !req
359. - Oh, forget it.
- Nah, never mind.Copy !req
360. Get outta here.!
What? What? What?Copy !req
361. M-M-M-M-Midget.Copy !req
362. Hope you enjoyed the show.
We had a good time, as well, with you.Copy !req
363. And we'll see you next week.Copy !req
364. d You can do what you wanna do
in living colorddCopy !req