1. SW1, kick it.Copy !req
2. Now, Lil Magic, now, listen to me.
Don't you forget what Mama told you.Copy !req
3. You got to get this part
'cause rent is due...Copy !req
4. and we done cashed in our last food stamp
on bus fare down here.Copy !req
5. Don't worry, Mama. I'm gonna get the job
this time. And I'm gonna make lots of money.Copy !req
6. - I'm gonna buy you gold caps for your teeth...
- Lil Magic...Copy !req
7. - and I'm gonna get aluminum foil
for the TV antenna...
- Lil Magic...Copy !req
8. - and I'm gonna get Peanut's corrective shoe
outta the pawn shop...
- Now, hush up!Copy !req
9. - Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's my baby.Copy !req
10. - Oh. Now, give me your foot.
You done forgot your tap shoes.
- Oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
11. Now, hold still.Copy !req
12. - Ouch!
- Oh, hush up.Copy !req
13. These shoes was good enough for Lashawn
and Pookie. They's good enough for you.Copy !req
14. - Besides, them soles only got
but a few holes in 'em.
- Ooouch!Copy !req
15. - Be quiet. Now, put that toe back in.
- Yes, Mama.Copy !req
16. Um, female, "Pajama Johnson"?Copy !req
17. No. That's Fuhmahlay Pajuhmay.
That's "Acrifan."Copy !req
18. But my friends call me
"Lil Magic." See?Copy !req
19. - What is that? You have a résumé?
- A what?Copy !req
20. - A résumé. You know, credit.
- Oh, credit. I keep me some credit.Copy !req
21. I got me a LeRon's
Hair Weave Emporium card.Copy !req
22. And you know Mr. Kwon Lee,
down at the corner store?Copy !req
23. He give me credit whenever I need it.Copy !req
24. I mean, what has she done?
What shows has she starred in?Copy !req
25. Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Lil Magic had the lead role...Copy !req
26. in the Fulton Project Community Center
production of Please, Mama, Don't Use Crack.Copy !req
27. And I'm Right On magazine's
Miss Smile-Brite 1987. See?Copy !req
28. My baby's gonna get this job.Copy !req
29. I'm sorry, ma'am. We're looking
for professional actors only.Copy !req
30. You gonna be lookin' for a doctor
if you don't get the hell out my way.Copy !req
31. You can't go in there.Copy !req
32. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
33. What...
What's this?Copy !req
34. This here is Lil Magic. She only the most
beautific, wondalicious girl in the whole galaxy.Copy !req
35. Plus I'm Right On magazine's
Miss Smile-Brite 1987. See?Copy !req
36. - Uh, we don't have time to see people right now.
- Oh, hush up, honey.Copy !req
37. Show the director a lil' magic.
Get it?Copy !req
38. - Mama, Mama, my baton!
- Oh! Here you go, honey.Copy !req
39. - Okay, let's see ya.Copy !req
40. Shuffle off to Buffalo!Copy !req
41. - Okay. Thank you, Magic.
Thank you very much.
- Ow!Copy !req
42. - Play the drums, honey.
Get on the good foot.
- We don't have to see any more.Copy !req
43. - This is funky here.Copy !req
44. - We really should move on.
- ♪♪ Lil Magic, play the horn!Copy !req
45. - We've gotta move on.Copy !req
46. Lil Magic, do the nunchuks, honey,
the nunchuks!Copy !req
47. - I can't believe...
- Hai Karate.!Copy !req
48. You just like Bruce Lee.Copy !req
49. See? Oh, Lil Magic, swallow the baton.
This is the big finish.Copy !req
50. There you go.
My little darling.Copy !req
51. That's it. Get them outta here.
Out. Get them out!Copy !req
52. - You better get your hands off my little girl.Copy !req
53. Mama, Mama, I got the job.
I know I got it!Copy !req
54. And the producer's gonna
fly me to Hollywood...Copy !req
55. - Uh, Lil Magic...
- on a big plane that says, "Lil Magic."Copy !req
56. - Uh, Lil Magic...
- When I get there,
everybody be gathered around the airport...Copy !req
57. - and they'll say, "Lil Magic..."
- Oh, hush up!Copy !req
58. - Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's my baby.Copy !req
59. - Mama, can I take my tap shoes off?
My feet hurt.
- No!Copy !req
60. We got two more auditions crosstown,
and you never know who may be on that city bus.Copy !req
61. - Now, you got your transfer?
- Yes, Mama.Copy !req
62. Come on. Let's go.Copy !req
63. I've heard the food here
is quite excellent.Copy !req
64. Well, if anybody knows
about food, it's Oprah.Copy !req
65. - Hello-o-o!
- Oh!Copy !req
66. Hi. Welcome.Copy !req
67. - Thank you.
- I see you have a bottle of my best champagne.Copy !req
68. You must be celebrating
something special tonight.Copy !req
69. - Well, we sure are. We've just become engaged.
- Ooh, girlfriend. Engaged?Copy !req
70. - Yes.Copy !req
71. - Ooh. So, you set a date?
- Well, no, not yet, but...Copy !req
72. - But sometime soon.
- Right.Copy !req
73. Mm-hmm. Girlfriend, let Oprah school you.
That is the oldest trick in the book.Copy !req
74. - Really?
- Honey, a man will use you up.Copy !req
75. He will lay up in your house,
spend up your money.Copy !req
76. He'll live in your condo, and you will never,
ever see that gold band on your finger.Copy !req
77. But wait a minute.
What are you talking about?Copy !req
78. - It's just a couple of years until I finish school.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
79. Till he finishes school.
Oh, girl.Copy !req
80. Oh, girl, do you know what you're in for?
I've been down this road, honey.Copy !req
81. - So many things happen in two years:Copy !req
82. You get stretch marks,
you get wrinkles.Copy !req
83. - Girl, he ain't gonna want you in two years.Copy !req
84. - Um, No, it's not...
- How could you do this to me?Copy !req
85. - Hey, listen...
- Men Who Fear Commitment.Copy !req
86. Tonight at Oprah's.Copy !req
87. - I hate you.
- You want to say what?Copy !req
88. Uh, nothing.
I was just going to the ladies' room.Copy !req
89. Oh? And leaving these two adorable children
by themselves?Copy !req
90. - No, I'm coming right back.
- Women Who Abandon Their Children.Copy !req
91. Tonight at Oprah's.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
92. You want to say what?
Mm-hmm. Get up.Copy !req
93. Why did she have kids
if she's gonna abandon them?Copy !req
94. - Mm-hmm. Oh, you have a point?Copy !req
95. - Um, well...
- Make your point. Make your point.Copy !req
96. L-l-I just wanted some butter for...
the bread.Copy !req
97. This bread... Get the girl some butter
over here. This bread is bland.Copy !req
98. - Mm-hmm. You say what?
- Take her kids away from her!Copy !req
99. - Shame on you.
- Somebody come get these kids.Copy !req
100. This is ridiculous.
Nobody's taking my kids away from me.Copy !req
101. These are my babies.
Ain't nobody takin' my...Copy !req
102. Wait a minute.
What? Who are you? What? What?Copy !req
103. Listen!
Hey, wait a minute. Let go.Copy !req
104. - Yo, mom! Mama! Mama!Copy !req
105. - Damn right.
- Women Torn from Their Children.Copy !req
106. Tomorrow night's dinner conversation
at Oprah's.Copy !req
107. - I guess I'll just have the salad.
- Good.Copy !req
108. Well, you know, that sounds real good.
I'm gonna have just what she's having.Copy !req
109. Men Who Want to Be Women.
Tonight at Oprah's.Copy !req
110. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I'm perfectly happy.Copy !req
111. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You have something to say?Copy !req
112. - You say it. Stand up.
- Yes, Oprah. My name is Cindy...Copy !req
113. but just a few short years ago,
I was a man named Hank.Copy !req
114. - I think I understand some of your pain, sir.
- Wait a minute. Please. Stop!Copy !req
115. - Get rid of the pain.
- You say what?Copy !req
116. - Get rid of the secrets.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
117. We love you just the way you...
are.Copy !req
118. - Thank you for that.
- Oprah? I'm free.Copy !req
119. I've decided to have
a sex change operation tomorrow.Copy !req
120. - From here on out I'll be known as "Taniqua."Copy !req
121. Oprah?Copy !req
122. - I'm my own father.
- Yes!Copy !req
123. Over here, Oprah. Oprah?
I know this isn't anything great...Copy !req
124. - but my feet stink.Copy !req
125. Yes.Copy !req
126. - I channel Moms Mabley.
- Make your point.Copy !req
127. And child, these french fries are terrific.
What is your secret?Copy !req
128. Well, thank you all.
Now I have a confession that I have to make.Copy !req
129. You know, over the years
I've dropped 300 pounds of fat?Copy !req
130. - Yes.
- Well, guess what?Copy !req
131. - I've been frying your food in it.
- Oh, wonderful.Copy !req
132. - That's great.
- Ugh.! Ugh.!Copy !req
133. You left your top open.
Now get the hell outta here.Copy !req
134. Come on.
Mime your ass on down the street.Copy !req
135. - Okay. Gather 'round, children.Copy !req
136. Homey! Homey! Homey!Copy !req
137. A'ight, now.Copy !req
138. Y'all want your pictures drawn,
it'll be one dollar apiece.Copy !req
139. Homey, Homey,
draw me first.Copy !req
140. Oh, yeah. You want me to draw you first
'cause you so cute and sweet and adorable, huh?Copy !req
141. - Yes.
- Take off your glasses.Copy !req
142. I don't think so.Copy !req
143. I'll draw you all
at the same time.Copy !req
144. - Okay.
- Ooh...Copy !req
145. Sorry, Homey.Copy !req
146. There you go.
Three dollars.Copy !req
147. Hey, wait a minute,
Homey. I can't tell which one's me.Copy !req
148. Easy. You the big, dumb one.
Now gimme my money.Copy !req
149. - You see what I'm talking about?
- A black circus clown.Copy !req
150. He'd make the perfect spokesman
for our product. Let's make him an offer.Copy !req
151. - Y'all better get my damn money.
- Okay.Copy !req
152. - Well, well, well, if it ain't Bobo and Mr. Charlie.Copy !req
153. - Ha, ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
154. I hope you got your passports.
You be in Homey country now.Copy !req
155. Homey, my company is producing
a new sugar-coated kids' cereal...Copy !req
156. and I want you to be
the company spokesman.Copy !req
157. Oh, yeah. Right. You want me to help you
further oppress my people...Copy !req
158. by gettin' them to eat stuff that'll make
their teeth rot and fall out their mouth?Copy !req
159. - I don't think so.
- Did I mention the job pays...Copy !req
160. a million dollars a year?Copy !req
161. - I don't think I have a problem with that.Copy !req
162. Homey plays that.Copy !req
163. - Where do Homey sign?
- Right there, Homey.Copy !req
164. - How do you spell "D. Clown"?Copy !req
165. Homey Wheats. Take five.Copy !req
166. Hi. I'm Homey the Clown.
Kids love me.Copy !req
167. Tell me, though, childrens,
why do you love Homey so?Copy !req
168. - Because you're so dumb!Copy !req
169. I may be just a dumb ol' clown...Copy !req
170. but I'm smart enough to love the sugary taste
of Homey Wheats.Copy !req
171. Now, if I could just
get my hands on some.Copy !req
172. - Hey! Ouch!Copy !req
173. Stupid clown.
Homey Wheats are for kids.Copy !req
174. Outsmarted again.Copy !req
175. Looks like I'll be denied the hundred percent
sugary taste of Homey Wheats...Copy !req
176. the cereal that goes,
"Bop, bop, bop."Copy !req
177. Not me, childrens...
the cereal!Copy !req
178. So remember, little childrens...Copy !req
179. do what the man says... go out and buy yourself
a box of new Homey Wheats...Copy !req
180. the only cereal made from cookies,
marshmallows, sugar cubes...Copy !req
181. and other nutritional
pieces of candy.Copy !req
182. Now this is a cereal
Homey can play.Copy !req
183. - Welcome to Chez Whitey.
- Thank you, Julio.Copy !req
184. Always havin' trouble with them clown shoes.Copy !req
185. Here you go. It's a dollar.
Don't spend it all in one place.Copy !req
186. Watch the car.Copy !req
187. - Homey!
- Homester!Copy !req
188. - Homester, come on in. Got your favorite table.
- Oh, great. Bobo and Mr. Charlie.Copy !req
189. - My friends.
- Where you been? You're a half an hour late.Copy !req
190. - You know me. I'm on C.P. Time.Copy !req
191. Homey! Homey?Copy !req
192. Everyone's saying you sold out
to the establishment.Copy !req
193. - Say it ain't so, Homey.
- Of course not.Copy !req
194. Here, here. Here's your old sock.
Bop me one.Copy !req
195. - Homey! Homey!
- Oh, great. My old sock.Copy !req
196. Look. I can get, like, a good tax write-off
with this, couldn't I?Copy !req
197. - Oh, no! No, Homey. Come on.Copy !req
198. - Come on, Homey. Dis me. Remember this?Copy !req
199. Come on. Here.
Come on. Dis me, Homey.Copy !req
200. - Come on, Homey.
- Ah, no, no. Hey, I don't think so.Copy !req
201. Homey don't play that
for free anymore.Copy !req
202. He gets a hundred thousand bucks to bop now,
and I'm afraid you just can't afford it.Copy !req
203. - So beat it, kid. Come on, Homey.
- Sorry, Charlie.Copy !req
204. Catch me next time.Copy !req
205. You go ahead.Copy !req
206. You're not Homey the Clown.Copy !req
207. You're Homey the Man.Copy !req
208. You're a sucker.Copy !req
209. - proudly presents Men on Television.Copy !req
210. - Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.Copy !req
211. And welcome to Men on Television...Copy !req
212. - the show that looks at TV...
- from a male point of view.Copy !req
213. Mm-hmm. We've taken a look at examples
of shows from all four networks.Copy !req
214. First there was NBC.Copy !req
215. It used to stand for
"Nothing But Cosby."Copy !req
216. Now, you know, they have that new show,
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.Copy !req
217. Well, listen.
There's nothin' fresh about this prince.Copy !req
218. And it's definitely not
the Prince I was lookin' for.Copy !req
219. - I was lookin' for a purple
G-string and some high heels.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
220. Ditto.
Then there was Golden Girls.Copy !req
221. Hated it.Copy !req
222. Would you tell me, who cares about
three old, white heifers in a house?Copy !req
223. - I don't.
- Next we go to CBS.Copy !req
224. The first show we took a look at
was Designing Women.Copy !req
225. Hated it.Copy !req
226. Now, you know, I don't know
who designed these women...Copy !req
227. but they need to go back
to the drawing board.Copy !req
228. That's right. If that Delta 747
gets any bigger...Copy !req
229. they gonna have to widen
the runway, child.Copy !req
230. I guess that's why
they call it CBS...Copy !req
231. 'Cause that's all you see:Copy !req
232. - B.S.
- Ooh!Copy !req
233. Then we have
Murder She Wrote.Copy !req
234. Now this show is always about some old lady
runnin' around tryin' to find out "whodunit,"Copy !req
235. when it's obvious she ain't done it
in a long time.Copy !req
236. Oh, stop.Copy !req
237. Then we come to ABC, which must stand for
"Ass-Backwards and Country."Copy !req
238. - Now, first we had Perfect Strangers.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
239. This is the story
about two mens...Copy !req
240. - one a little Greek boy...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
241. Distantly related, but thrown together
in a big, evil city...Copy !req
242. livin' in a cramped apartment...Copy !req
243. sharin' the same house shoes
and toothpaste.Copy !req
244. I gotta shift my seat.Copy !req
245. I tell you, if you asked me,
I think that little Balki...Copy !req
246. - would be much happier
back home with all them sheep.
- Ooh!Copy !req
247. - You see...Copy !req
248. - What?
- I just thought I heard a chicken.Copy !req
249. Um, next we come to Roseanne.Copy !req
250. Hated it.Copy !req
251. - Now, that's the kind of woman,
made me switch in the first place.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
252. - Let me ask you something.
- What?Copy !req
253. Let me ask you something.
Doesn't Roseanne remind you...Copy !req
254. of Gerald, you know, from La Cage?Copy !req
255. Mm-hmm. And isn't her husband kin
to that Arnold on Green Acres?Copy !req
256. I don't know.Copy !req
257. You know, it seems like they don't know
how to make good TV anymore.Copy !req
258. - I agree.
- That's why we decided to review...Copy !req
259. - our favorite series from the past...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
260. - The Six Million Dollar Man.
- Mm.Copy !req
261. Lee Majors rebuilt from scratch
into a bionic hunk o' man...Copy !req
262. with a budget of $6 million.Copy !req
263. Well, if it was my money, you can guess
where 5,999,000 would've went.Copy !req
264. Stop.Copy !req
265. That's why we're gonna
give this one...Copy !req
266. the one time only
patty-cake snap.Copy !req
267. - Tell a friend.Copy !req
268. - That's it.
- Tell a friend, child.Copy !req
269. Oh, my Lord.Copy !req
270. Blayne! Blayne!Copy !req
271. Blayne! Call a doctor...Copy !req
272. 'cause I think he needs
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Copy !req
273. Hey, hey, hey, man.
Hey!Copy !req
274. Man, what you doin', man?Copy !req
275. - Blayne? Blayne, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.Copy !req
276. What's up with you? What's...
What's these funny clothes about, man?Copy !req
277. Blayne, your hat.Copy !req
278. This ain't my hat, man.
Get that little thing outta here.Copy !req
279. - Yo, let's finish this show, Tony.
- Well, l-I don't know...Copy !req
280. What's wrong with you, man?Copy !req
281. - Blayne, are you...
- Yeah, I'm all right, man. What's up with you?Copy !req
282. - Let's finish the show. Finish the show.
- Okay.Copy !req
283. Finally...Copy !req
284. we come to that
sly Fox of a network...Copy !req
285. and their show
Married with Children.Copy !req
286. - Loved it.
- Hated it.Copy !req
287. What you talkin' about, "Hated it," man?
That girl is fine. The blonde one?Copy !req
288. With the... the blonde?
Look like she hidin' two midgets, man.Copy !req
289. Blonde? Midget?Copy !req
290. - Yay! All right.
- This is... This is my oldest...Copy !req
291. This is my oldest brother, Dwayne.Copy !req
292. Many of you've seen him...
You've seen him in many sketches.Copy !req
293. - Boo!
- What's your favorite part? The guard.Copy !req
294. - Uh, the dead man.
- He's the dead man.Copy !req
295. That's right. He's the dead man, the guard.
There's all those...Copy !req
296. all those roles
that you folks think are so unimportant.Copy !req
297. - This is the guy who volunteers for them.Copy !req
298. I just wanted to say...Copy !req
299. I just wanted to say...
we had a fun year...Copy !req
300. and, uh, we hope that you guys will definitely
have a safe and prosperous summer...Copy !req
301. and you'll join us next season along with
the Rainbow Coalition behind me.Copy !req
302. These are all the people...Copy !req
303. that help to make
the show a success.Copy !req
304. - Remember: Keep the livin' color alive!Copy !req