1. Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenan Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. Thank you.Copy !req
3. See...Copy !req
4. That's what happens when you
bring your family to the show.Copy !req
5. So that's my trick. Just load 'em up
with Wayans, I get the applause of life.Copy !req
6. Uh, welcome to another
edition of the show.Copy !req
7. You know, we poke fun at a lot
of groups here on In Living Color.Copy !req
8. We always get letters, people
wondering, " How do you decide
which groups you're gonna make fun of?"Copy !req
9. So what I decided to do
is show you what the process is.Copy !req
10. With the help of the Fly Girls,
we'll show you how we pick.Copy !req
11. Come on, ladies. Help me out.
Bring in our wheel.Copy !req
12. See, by spinning our little
comedy wheel of race right here...Copy !req
13. it lets us see who we're
gonna make fun of each week.Copy !req
14. So, Dee,
let's give it a spin, huh?Copy !req
15. You know,
it's pretty unbelievable.Copy !req
16. This seems to come up
every week.Copy !req
17. Anyway...Copy !req
18. Let's get on with the show.
Kick it!Copy !req
19. And now another episode
of The Head Detective.Copy !req
20. All right. All right.
Shh. Wait. All right. Look.Copy !req
21. Remember, we're supposed
to be undercover.Copy !req
22. Here. Sit right there.
I'm gonna put your disguise on.Copy !req
23. Wouldn't want anybody to recognize you.
It could blow the whole operation.Copy !req
24. Ahem. Barkeep, let me have a scotch
and soda... shaken, not stirred.Copy !req
25. Comin' right up.Copy !req
26. Oh!Copy !req
27. Hey, partner,
check out the chick.Copy !req
28. Whew. Put me on the ground
for a second, will ya?Copy !req
29. Go easy on her, Head.Copy !req
30. Say, luscious,
can I buy you a drink?Copy !req
31. - Who said that?
- Uh, down here.Copy !req
32. Hi, angel.Copy !req
33. You know, it's moments like this
when bein' short has its advantages.Copy !req
34. - Bug off, Head.Copy !req
35. I don't date cops.Copy !req
36. And let me
tell you something.Copy !req
37. Don't you ever, ever, ever...Copy !req
38. look up a lady's dress again
unless she asks you to.Copy !req
39. Understand?Copy !req
40. She wants me.Copy !req
41. All right. Forget about her.
Remember, we're on a case.Copy !req
42. Come on. Let's go check out
that bowling alley.Copy !req
43. - Leave a little crack so I can breathe.
- Will you shut up!Copy !req
44. Damn! That's
the fourth split tonight!Copy !req
45. Hey, that's the way
the ball bounces.Copy !req
46. Hey, hey! That's my partner
you're bowling with!Copy !req
47. Head!Copy !req
48. I think I know why
you're getting so many splits.Copy !req
49. These pins are loaded
with cocaine.Copy !req
50. Hey.! Hey, get that guy.!Copy !req
51. Don't anybody follow me,
or I swear I'll put her away.Copy !req
52. Stop it!Copy !req
53. I think I better go
for backup, Head.Copy !req
54. He's gettin' too far away.
They're goin' for the roof.Copy !req
55. No. Remember when we played
high school football?Copy !req
56. The big game?
Fourth quarter? Last play?Copy !req
57. Little Nuggets down by two?Copy !req
58. Head, you're not sayin'
what I think you're sayin'.Copy !req
59. Kick me at him.Copy !req
60. - Head!
- Just do it, damn it!Copy !req
61. Hey, Head. I think you forgot
to put your shorts on, man.Copy !req
62. I knew I felt a draft.Copy !req
63. - Freeze, maggot!
- All right, Head.Copy !req
64. - Just don't hit me.
- Shut up!Copy !req
65. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
All right, Head!Copy !req
66. This has been another episode
of The Head Detective.Copy !req
67. And now,
The Adventures of Handi-Man!Copy !req
68. Handi-Man.
Always saving the day.Copy !req
69. Always helping the handicapped.Copy !req
70. How I hate the handicapped!Copy !req
71. Those phy... phy...Copy !req
72. physically challenged.Copy !req
73. Well, I shall challenge them all.Copy !req
74. I, Dr. Naughty...Copy !req
75. shall destroy Handi-Man
and his entire disabled army...Copy !req
76. with my newest invention...Copy !req
77. the handi-droid.Copy !req
78. Stand up, my pet.Copy !req
79. Yes, master.Copy !req
80. Let's test your strength.Copy !req
81. Excellent.
Excellent!Copy !req
82. You are ready.Copy !req
83. Now, what are you
going to do?Copy !req
84. Ruin Handi-Man.Copy !req
85. Good. Good.Copy !req
86. And how are you
going to do it?Copy !req
87. Wreak havoc on the city.Copy !req
88. Yes. Yes!Copy !req
89. Now, go! Go.Copy !req
90. Hiya, Handi-Man.
Checkin' out the vault?Copy !req
91. Lots of dimes in there,
thanks to you.Copy !req
92. I've come to make
a withdrawal.Copy !req
93. Oh, you can't go... Wait.
You can't go in there.Copy !req
94. Not now, Jim!Copy !req
95. Excuse me.Copy !req
96. - Here's your mail, Mrs. Dane.
- Thank you, Mr. Bent.Copy !req
97. - Please, call me Clark.
- All right.Copy !req
98. Say, Lois, you think maybe you and I
could go out to dinner tonight?Copy !req
99. Oh, I'd love to, Clark,
but I can't tonight.Copy !req
100. Perhaps you haven't heard.
Handi-Man's turned to a life of crime.Copy !req
101. - I've got to go.
- What about a cup of water by the cooler?Copy !req
102. Well, this can only be the work
of the evil Dr. Naughty.Copy !req
103. Looks like a job
for Handi-Man.Copy !req
104. Up, up and away!Copy !req
105. $173,999.10.Copy !req
106. - $173,999.20...
- Okay, Dr. Naughty. The gig is up.Copy !req
107. Why are you trying
to destroy my name?Copy !req
108. A long time ago, I got a ticket
for parking in a handicapped zone.Copy !req
109. I have committed my life
to destroying the phy...Copy !req
110. phy... physically challenged.Copy !req
111. Well, now it's time
someone stopped you.Copy !req
112. Handi-Man,
let me introduce you...Copy !req
113. to your death!Copy !req
114. - Seize him!
- Yes, master.Copy !req
115. Let's get busy.Copy !req
116. Stick and jab.
Stick and jab.Copy !req
117. You have ruined my creation!Copy !req
118. I'll get you, Handi-Man!Copy !req
119. Tell it to the judge.
Take him away, fellas.Copy !req
120. - Okay, Handi-Man.
- It's great to have you back.Copy !req
121. Yeah. We thought
you were gone for good.Copy !req
122. Never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.Copy !req
123. - We won't.Copy !req
124. Up, up and away!Copy !req
125. - Oh, hi, Clark.
- Hi, Lois.Copy !req
126. "Handi-Man Redeemed."
What a great story.Copy !req
127. Too bad you couldn't
have been there.Copy !req
128. - Well, I must've overslept.
- Handi-Man!Copy !req
129. Oh, I mean... Clark.Copy !req
130. Come to think of it...Copy !req
131. why is it that whenever Handi-Man's
around, you seem to disappear?Copy !req
132. Could it be that...Copy !req
133. No.Copy !req
134. The Adventures of Handi-Man!Copy !req
135. So in conclusion, before the ladies and
gentlemen of the jury pass judgment...Copy !req
136. consider this.Copy !req
137. My client was sleepwalking.Copy !req
138. Yes, sleepwalking.Copy !req
139. The defense rests.Copy !req
140. Is the prosecution ready
to cross-examine?Copy !req
141. Who is the prosecutor
in this case?Copy !req
142. Uh, Your Honor, that would be...Copy !req
143. Arsenio-o-o-o...Copy !req
144. Hall.!Copy !req
145. - Yeah! My bailiff.Copy !req
146. Give it up. Yes.Copy !req
147. And these... these are people
too stupid to get out of jury duty.Copy !req
148. - Give it up. Yeah.Copy !req
149. They know they're dumb.
They know they're dumb. Yeah.Copy !req
150. Mr. Hall, proceed
with your prosecution.Copy !req
151. Oh, yes, Your Honor.
That's what I'm gonna do.Copy !req
152. I'm gonna get
to the bottom of things.Copy !req
153. Did you see what I did
to Vanilla Ice? That's what I do.Copy !req
154. - I get to the bottom of things.Copy !req
155. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
156. Now, with no further ado,
I'd like to bring on my first witness.Copy !req
157. He's a very talented man.
He's assaulted 57 women...Copy !req
158. and then showed an indifference
for human life and property.Copy !req
159. So please give a big round
of applause to Mr. Rooow-land Biggs!Copy !req
160. Give it up.Copy !req
161. Have a seat, Rowland.Copy !req
162. Give it up. Yeah.Copy !req
163. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
164. Let's get right into it,
Rowland.Copy !req
165. Now, your picture is up
all over the post office.Copy !req
166. You're on the F.B.I.'s
Top Ten list...Copy !req
167. two years in a row.Copy !req
168. What the court
would like to know is...Copy !req
169. has celebrity life changed you?Copy !req
170. What?Copy !req
171. What was it like
before all the fame?Copy !req
172. I was locked in the closet
most of my life.Copy !req
173. - I was abused as a child.Copy !req
174. One time, my mother held me underwater
for about four and a half minutes.Copy !req
175. - My father used to use me as an ashtray!Copy !req
176. Mr. Hall, what
do you find so amusing?Copy !req
177. Oh, nothing. Just a little joke me and
Whitney shared about Eddie Murphy.Copy !req
178. Objection!
What is this, Your Honor?Copy !req
179. Sustained. Mr. Hall!Copy !req
180. Now, I haven't read
the deposition...Copy !req
181. but my people tell me
that you used exhibit "A"...Copy !req
182. to assault all 57 of your victims.Copy !req
183. Will the jury please note, exhibit "A"
is a heavy, blunt instrument.Copy !req
184. Do you work out, man?Copy !req
185. 'Cause this ain't
no sissy murder weapon.Copy !req
186. There here is one bad
mama jama.Copy !req
187. Look like one of them brontosaurus ribs
from The Flintstones.Copy !req
188. Now, why did Fred always put the ribs
in the back of the car...Copy !req
189. when he knew
it was gonna tip over?Copy !req
190. Wilma! Wilma!Copy !req
191. Your Honor,
that is immaterial!Copy !req
192. Mr. Hall, unless there is someone else
you would like to call to the stand...Copy !req
193. I suggest you wrap this up.Copy !req
194. Very well, Your Honor.
Fair enough.Copy !req
195. A surprise guest tonight:
Mr. Eddie Murphy!Copy !req
196. - Come on down, Eddie!Copy !req
197. I fail to see how this relates.Copy !req
198. Oh, it doesn't, Your Honor.Copy !req
199. It's just that it's sweeps week, and it
would be nice to have Eddie in the court.Copy !req
200. Now, you know, me and Eddie
are best friends...Copy !req
201. and we made a pact
before we got famous:Copy !req
202. Never let a woman
come between us.Copy !req
203. And you are one fine,
bad mama jama.Copy !req
204. - Mr. Prosecutor...
- Oh, I'd pour barbecue sauce all over you...Copy !req
205. - and work you like a rib.
- Mr. Prosecutor!Copy !req
206. - Yes!
- Make your closing statements
before I find you in contempt.Copy !req
207. Very well.
Will the jury please note...Copy !req
208. she is fine.Copy !req
209. Yes, if Eddie was here,
he'd steal her for himself.Copy !req
210. Yes.Copy !req
211. Now, you've heard some very compelling
arguments tonight on both sides of the issue.Copy !req
212. "Compelling."
That's a very big word.Copy !req
213. I know a lot of brothers are sittin' there
goin', "What's he talkin' about, man?"Copy !req
214. Anyway, a man's life
hangs in the balance.Copy !req
215. With that in mind, have you ever noticed
how white people sit in a jury...Copy !req
216. very attentive, sittin' there goin'...Copy !req
217. "I wonder if he's guilty or innocent.
I wish they'd hurry. I have a job to go to."Copy !req
218. Brothers be sittin' there
goin', " Say, man.Copy !req
219. "They payin' me $12.85 plus gas.Copy !req
220. I'm stayin' all day.
Maybe he is; maybe he ain't."Copy !req
221. They're not jokes, folks.Copy !req
222. - Just a little somethin'
to make you say "hmm."
- Hmm.Copy !req
223. And on that,
the prosecution rests.Copy !req
224. This has been a total
travesty ofjustice.Copy !req
225. Oh, she is fine.Copy !req
226. Let's not forget to give
a big round of applause...Copy !req
227. to the main man
of the night himself.Copy !req
228. I want you to give it up like
you got a boiled egg and a glass
of water in your stomach loud.Copy !req
229. Mr. Rowland Biggs. Come on.
Give it up for Rowland.Copy !req
230. - Ah, Rowland!Copy !req
231. - Come back anytime, Rowland.Copy !req
232. Has the jury reached a decision?Copy !req
233. Yes, we have, Your Honor.Copy !req
234. And although we personally
find Mr. Biggs here...Copy !req
235. guilty beyond
any shadow of a doubt...Copy !req
236. there was no evidence presented
in this courtroom of that nature.Copy !req
237. So therefore we, the jury,
find the defendant not guilty.Copy !req
238. - Rowland!Copy !req
239. But you just set free the
second-most-wanted criminal in America!Copy !req
240. Strive to be number one,
Rowland. Yes!Copy !req
241. And on that, I want my man,
the king of funk...Copy !req
242. to take us home with some
of that nasty, old left-over...Copy !req
243. lint-in-your-belly-button,
didn't-check-between-your-toes
funk! Kick it!Copy !req
244. Well, tonight we have
a very special guest...Copy !req
245. well, two very special guests... that
I'm really honored to have on the show.Copy !req
246. Many things have been said
about them...Copy !req
247. but what I'd like to say is that
they are the premiere group of rap...Copy !req
248. that the boldness in their lyrics...Copy !req
249. the level of consciousness
that they have brought to their music...Copy !req
250. has totally redefined
the level of excellence of rap.Copy !req
251. So with no further adieu,
I'd like to bring to you...Copy !req
252. Off the label DefJam Records...Copy !req
253. here's Public Enemy and Ice Cube!Copy !req
254. Oh, yeah, in the house.
You know we got Ice Cube.Copy !req
255. And you know that
I'm down with the P.E.Copy !req
256. Hey, yo, Chuck, why don't you
kick it to 'em one time, G.Copy !req