1. Hi. I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thanks for tuning in to In Living Color.Copy !req
2. Check it out. How many times you been
sitting around with friends...Copy !req
3. trying to tell them
your favorite sketch from the show?Copy !req
4. Only they didn't see it. Well, check it out.
This is what I done for you.Copy !req
5. I put all the best into one show.Copy !req
6. So call your friends,
have them watch.Copy !req
7. I'll see you next week.
Peace.Copy !req
8. Next!Copy !req
9. Vrrooom.Copy !req
10. Is this the Army
Recrucification Office, sir?Copy !req
11. Now, you probably
want the Eternal Life Mission.Copy !req
12. It's down the street
and around the block.Copy !req
13. No, I've come to be
all I can be...Copy !req
14. 'cause I've been what I've been
and it ain't paying too well.Copy !req
15. - Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh?Copy !req
16. What do you think
you have to offer the army?Copy !req
17. Well, I'm glad you asked, sir.Copy !req
18. See, 'cause I'm
an entertainer, you know?Copy !req
19. If you gave me five dollars...Copy !req
20. I could go over
to Salty Armenia...Copy !req
21. and entertain the troops, see?Copy !req
22. 'Cause I'm a regular boogie-woogie bugle boy
of Company "B."Copy !req
23. I'm a boogie-woogie
bugle boy... Compan...Copy !req
24. Here. Camouflage that for me.Copy !req
25. Now, listen to me. I am in the business
of signing up real live soldiers, maggot!Copy !req
26. Maggot?
Hey, I ain't no maggot.Copy !req
27. Hey, I ain't never been
with another man before.Copy !req
28. Who told you that, Clarence?
He's lying. He's lying. I'm telling you.Copy !req
29. All right, once.
I was desperate.Copy !req
30. I needed the money. I was drunk and down out.
Don't hold it against me.Copy !req
31. I don't have time for this!
I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment!Copy !req
32. Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment,
so we got something in common.Copy !req
33. - You know, as much as I would
love to send you over to Iraq...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
34. I don't think you'd last 10 minutes.Copy !req
35. Okay, just for instance...Copy !req
36. what would you do if you had to engage
the enemy in hand-to-hand combat?Copy !req
37. That's no problem, see...Copy !req
38. 'cause I'm skilled
in the Martian arts.Copy !req
39. I know tai chi. Whaa!Copy !req
40. I know tae kwon do.Copy !req
41. And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.Copy !req
42. You know,
like how to take a rope.Copy !req
43. Just a simple rope...
anything becomes a weapon.Copy !req
44. You take that out and...Copy !req
45. Oh, that's
the secret weapon there.Copy !req
46. Ewww.Copy !req
47. Oh, my God.
What is that smell?Copy !req
48. Well, that was a sample
of my nerve gas.Copy !req
49. All right, all right. That does it.
Get out of here. Go on! Get out of here!Copy !req
50. Well, wait a second. Hold on.Copy !req
51. - Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
52. I want to serve my country.Copy !req
53. I'll give you five dollars if you get out of here
and forget you ever heard about the army.Copy !req
54. - Come on! Take it!
- Well, the guy down at the navy office gave me...Copy !req
55. - Ah, here's $10.
- Well, the guy at the coast guard...Copy !req
56. All right, here's $25. Just go!Copy !req
57. $25, get you $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55?Copy !req
58. - Sold! $55!
- Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
59. Carla, the coast is clear.Copy !req
60. Can I borrow, uh, you know,
a feminine product?Copy !req
61. - Oh, you mean a tampon?
- Shh. Yes. Hurry.Copy !req
62. Thanks.Copy !req
63. That time of the month, huh, Joyce?Copy !req
64. That's not cleavage. It's swelling.Copy !req
65. Suffering from P.M.S., Joyce?Copy !req
66. See? I told you she looked bloated.Copy !req
67. Can't seem to disguise the fact
that it's your time of the month?Copy !req
68. Well, now Femco brings you
Fashion Tampons.Copy !req
69. Stylish, comfortable and fun.Copy !req
70. They come in assorted colors
and go with any outfit.Copy !req
71. Ooh, Joyce,
I love those earrings!Copy !req
72. Thanks, Carla.
Actually, they're tampons...Copy !req
73. conveniently packaged
in boxes of 12, 24 and 186.Copy !req
74. And they're super absorbent.Copy !req
75. Something you just can't find
in other fashion wear.Copy !req
76. Fashion Tampons. Well, honey, I'm just
gonna go on down and get me some.Copy !req
77. Gee, Joyce, you look great today.Copy !req
78. I like a woman who can accessorize.
Really turns me on.Copy !req
79. Nice dress, Joyce.Copy !req
80. This old rag?Copy !req
81. Fashion Tampons. Because at that time
of the month, you want to look good.Copy !req
82. And there's also
Fashion Maxi and Mini Pads...Copy !req
83. for the woman on the go.Copy !req
84. Fashion Tampons from Femco.Copy !req
85. All right, all right. Thanks for coming in.
Come visit us again, all right?Copy !req
86. All right.Copy !req
87. Later.Copy !req
88. Yo, yo, fight the power.Copy !req
89. - Hey, Joy!
- What?Copy !req
90. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
91. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
92. - Joy!
- What?Copy !req
93. - Come here.
- What if I don't?Copy !req
94. I won't put you in my next movie.Copy !req
95. Look, Spike. How many times
do I have to tell you?Copy !req
96. It's notJoy. It's Joi.Copy !req
97. Joy, we're back in Brooklyn, all right?
All right?Copy !req
98. In Brooklyn,
it's Joy, notJoi, okay?Copy !req
99. It's notJackay, all right?
It's Jackie.Copy !req
100. It's not Sade, all right?
It's Sadie.Copy !req
101. - All right?
- All right.Copy !req
102. What you gonna call me next?
What you gonna call me, Spikay?Copy !req
103. Get outta here.
I wanna show you my new product.Copy !req
104. Check it out.
Ah, you likes, right?Copy !req
105. You likes, right? Ah, this is
the Mo' Better butter dispenser.Copy !req
106. Check it out.Copy !req
107. Ah.Copy !req
108. I've tasted butter,
but this is Mo' Better butter.Copy !req
109. Go stack that over there.
Stack it by the Malcolm Ex-lax.Copy !req
110. I got a customer.Copy !req
111. - Can I help you?
- Yeah, do you carry sneakers?Copy !req
112. - Sneakers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
113. - Like tennis shoes?
- Right.Copy !req
114. - Like basketball shoes?
- Yes.Copy !req
115. - Like just plain sneakers?
- Yes.Copy !req
116. - Got 'em.
- Oh, great.Copy !req
117. Check it out. My own line.Copy !req
118. - Oh.
- Spikes. You like?Copy !req
119. - No.
- Come on. You gotta like.Copy !req
120. - No, l...
- Come on, look. You gotta like.Copy !req
121. - I don't.
- Please, baby, baby, please.Copy !req
122. Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, please.Copy !req
123. Please, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.Copy !req
124. - Please, baby, baby, please.
- Okay, I'll take them.Copy !req
125. - All right. You sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
126. - You want 'em?
- Yes.Copy !req
127. - You buy 'em?
- Yes.Copy !req
128. - You sure?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
129. All right. You can pay for them
right over here.Copy !req
130. You get a copy
of School Daze with that.Copy !req
131. - Oh. That's okay.
- It's free.Copy !req
132. - Oh, it's free?
- Free.Copy !req
133. That's okay.Copy !req
134. - Get outta here!Copy !req
135. What do you want? What do you want?
I'm gonna go broke.!Copy !req
136. Here! Here!
You're gonna drive me crazy.Copy !req
137. - Mm-mm-mm. Thank you.
- You sound like a machine gun.Copy !req
138. Excuse me.
Can you turn the radio down, please?Copy !req
139. Can you turn your radio
down, please? Hey!Copy !req
140. Excuse me. I'd like to return
this free copy of School Daze.Copy !req
141. What's wrong?
It's defective?Copy !req
142. No. I didn't go to a black college.
I just didn't get it.Copy !req
143. Can you please turn your radio down?
Hey.Copy !req
144. - Can you please turn your radio down?Copy !req
145. Hello. Spike's Joint.Copy !req
146. Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Deliver pizzas to your house.Copy !req
147. - Yeah, right. For the 40th time, hell no!Copy !req
148. Can you turn
your radio down, please?Copy !req
149. Hey, Spike. Why doesn't Nike appoint
any black people to its board of directors, man?Copy !req
150. It's a very complicated issue, all right?
But you can read about it in my new book:Copy !req
151. The Making of Nike Commercials.Copy !req
152. All right? $9.95.Copy !req
153. - I need 20 triple "A" batteries for my radio.
- We don't have any batteries.Copy !req
154. - You're gonna have to turn your radio down.
- No batteries?Copy !req
155. - Twenty triple "A"?
- Turn your radio down.Copy !req
156. - Turn that down. We don't have any batteries.
- Excuse me.Copy !req
157. Excuse me. Mookie, when are you gonna
take care of your kids, all right?Copy !req
158. It's... It's not Mookie, all right?
It's Spike, all right?Copy !req
159. Turn the radio down.
What do you want?Copy !req
160. - Get outta here. Get outta here.Copy !req
161. - Get outta here!
- How come there's no white people
on the wall, man?Copy !req
162. This is Spike's Joint, all right?
When you get your own joint...Copy !req
163. You can put anybody
you want on the wall.Copy !req
164. - The guy who was in Gilligan, man.Copy !req
165. Huh? How come he's not...Copy !req
166. Now, I know what
you're thinking right now.Copy !req
167. You're thinking, " Hey, now's a great time
to throw a trash can through the window."Copy !req
168. Well, I couldn't agree
with you more.Copy !req
169. That's why I've got trash cans
in the back for $15.Copy !req
170. All right?
They're lightweight and riot size.Copy !req
171. What a discount.Copy !req
172. You'll also get a free copy
of School Daze.Copy !req
173. - Oh, forget it.
- Nah, never mind.Copy !req
174. Get outta here.!
What? What? What?Copy !req
175. M-M-M-M-Midget.Copy !req
176. Legally repressing my "ballsitude,"Copy !req
177. I've retracted my "godads"
with gigantic proportions.Copy !req
178. And the signing
of the prohibition, you see...Copy !req
179. defecates the fluids
of the tension...Copy !req
180. between the essence of
the Euro intercourse, you see.Copy !req
181. A. T. + T. Allows you
to reach out and touch someone...Copy !req
182. even when they
don't get out much.Copy !req
183. Right, exactly.
Okay, brother, okay.Copy !req
184. - See, all you're doing right now...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
185. - Is flatulating your liquids, okay,
- That's pretty good.Copy !req
186. - Because I believe it was Homo erectus...
- Right.Copy !req
187. - That said to expose
the hemorrhoidal ramification...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
188. - Would merely delineate the colonic orifice,
- Ooh!Copy !req
189. Thereby separating
the gluteus from the maximus.Copy !req
190. - Well, Homo was very deep,
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
191. - But you seem to masticate
the proclamation, my brother,
- Okay.Copy !req
192. Because the gastrointestinal phlebitis...Copy !req
193. - prostigates the "crustation" of the colostomy,
- Okay.Copy !req
194. - If that's your bag.
- Uh-huh. Preacher!Copy !req
195. Right. And further "hindrant"
the pyorrhea, which has...Copy !req
196. - Excuse me?
- Uh, you got me, brother.Copy !req
197. - The diarrhea.
- Okay.Copy !req
198. Moving toward the angina
or "bagina"...Copy !req
199. - depending on how much time you got.
- Man, you are Metamucil.Copy !req
200. I know, I know.Copy !req
201. Tired of making up lame excuses?Copy !req
202. Don't you wanna cuddle?
Baby needs a hug.Copy !req
203. I can't hug you right now.
I'm still sleeping.Copy !req
204. Is postcoital cuddling bringing you down?Copy !req
205. See, you don't understand. I got to be
somewhere at 6:00 tomorrow morning.Copy !req
206. Then I'll leave with you.Copy !req
207. No. But, uh,
you can't leave with me...Copy !req
208. 'cause my car was in an accident
and it only has one seat left.Copy !req
209. - Then I'll sit on your lap.
- Uh, listen.Copy !req
210. Now, I didn't wanna have to tell you this,
and it's top secret.Copy !req
211. I'm on a mission for the C.I.A.
I have to travel alone.Copy !req
212. It's a matter of life and death.Copy !req
213. But if you die, I don't wanna live.Copy !req
214. Geez, what do I have to do to get rid of her?Copy !req
215. Sounds like you need
the Ejector Bed from Rudeco.Copy !req
216. Yes, it's simple to operate and can eject
up to 2,000 pounds in a single thrust.Copy !req
217. Oh, wow. This never happened
to me before.Copy !req
218. I guess I must've been
under a lot of stress.Copy !req
219. Maybe some fresh air might help.Copy !req
220. Yes, the Ejector Bed.Copy !req
221. Your best friend
in a sticky situation.Copy !req
222. - Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
223. - It's my wife.
- Oh, no! Where will I hide?Copy !req
224. Don't get caught without one.Copy !req
225. The Ejector Bed from Rudeco.Copy !req
226. Ejector Desk and Ejector Chair
sold separately.Copy !req
227. Blood pressure stable
at 120 over 70.Copy !req
228. Doc, how's my partner?
Is he gonna pull through?Copy !req
229. He's in pretty bad shape.
Take a look for yourself.Copy !req
230. Oh, my God!Copy !req
231. Look, look, Doc. Do whatever you gotta do, man.
But please, make him whole again.Copy !req
232. We can rebuild him.
We have the technology, all right?Copy !req
233. It's gonna cost you
six million dollars.Copy !req
234. Six million dollars? The department
doesn't have that kind of money.Copy !req
235. - 15,000.
- Look.Copy !req
236. I got, um... Let's see. Twenty
Twenty-one, twenty-two.Copy !req
237. Another five. Twenty-eight.
Twenty-eight, um...Copy !req
238. Forty-five, all right?
There's $28.45.Copy !req
239. Well, I can't promise anything,
but we'll try.Copy !req
240. He'll be a lot shorter and a little slower.Copy !req
241. - But at least he'll be alive.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
242. We gotta get you outta here.Copy !req
243. Hang in there, partner.Copy !req
244. Coming this spring to a theater near you...Copy !req
245. The Head Detective.Copy !req
246. The Head always gets his man.Copy !req
247. Let's just forget it, man.
He's too far away. We'll never catch him.Copy !req
248. - Throw me at him.
- What?Copy !req
249. I said throw me at him.
I can do it, partner.Copy !req
250. - No way, man. Too dangerous!
- Just do it!Copy !req
251. Ah, watch my brain.Copy !req
252. - Way to go, man.!
- Freeze, slimeball.Copy !req
253. Don't make me chase you any further.Copy !req
254. And women find him irresistible.Copy !req
255. Yes! You've got incredible hands and feet,
you animal you.Copy !req
256. Oh, Detective Head...Copy !req
257. I never dreamed
it could be like this.Copy !req
258. You know what they say, baby. It's not what
a man's got, it's how he uses it that counts.Copy !req
259. Stop tickling my feet.Copy !req
260. The Head Detective.
Coming this spring to a theater near you.Copy !req
261. Cable access,
Channel 62, presents Men On Film.Copy !req
262. - Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.Copy !req
263. And welcome to Men On Films.Copy !req
264. - The show that looks at movies...
- From a male point of view.Copy !req
265. Tonight's show is sponsored by...Copy !req
266. Nuts & Honey.Copy !req
267. - What did you say?
- Nuttin', honey.Copy !req
268. I bet you can't eat just one.Copy !req
269. I bet I could.Copy !req
270. You're so crazy.Copy !req
271. Tonight we'll be wrapping up
the summer films.Copy !req
272. First up is the box-office smash
Total Recall.Copy !req
273. Yes, this is the movie
where muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger...Copy !req
274. goes in search of his past.Copy !req
275. Just a hint, Arnold,
try looking in the closet.Copy !req
276. Next we have Betsy's Wedding.Copy !req
277. Hated it.Copy !req
278. Then there's Ghost.Copy !req
279. You know, Patrick Swayze
was the real standout in this film.Copy !req
280. You know, I'd breathe life
into his spirit any day.Copy !req
281. Even if I did have to go
through Whoopi Goldberg.Copy !req
282. - Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.Copy !req
283. Now we come to Dick Tracy.Copy !req
284. You know, I love the title,
but the movie just left me limp.Copy !req
285. I know what you're saying.
This is... This is what I don't get.Copy !req
286. All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.Copy !req
287. Pruneface looked
just like a little prune.Copy !req
288. But I never got the chance to see...Copy !req
289. I know I wanted to.Copy !req
290. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
291. It's hot in here.Copy !req
292. Oh. Then there's
Pretty Woman.Copy !req
293. Hated it.Copy !req
294. - This one should have been called
A Fish Called Julia.
- Oooh.Copy !req
295. Next, Eddie Murphy was back
in Another 48 Hours.Copy !req
296. You know, I'm sorry. This movie
just got off on the wrong track.Copy !req
297. I feel that they should have spent
more time where the real story is.Copy !req
298. - Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.Copy !req
299. I'd like to see more about them old sweaty mens
all together in them tiny little cells...Copy !req
300. with no one to turn to
but each others.Copy !req
301. Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.Copy !req
302. Hush.Copy !req
303. - Really?
- You know I can wait.Copy !req
304. Then we come to Spike Lee's
Mo'Better Blues.Copy !req
305. I'm sorry. I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.Copy !req
306. I'm sorry,
but I liked this one.Copy !req
307. I mean, little Spike Lee
outdone himself this time.Copy !req
308. He really stretched out
in a dual role...Copy !req
309. as both the lead character's
manager and love interest.Copy !req
310. Oh, he was okay
as the manager...Copy !req
311. but, ooh, he just thrilled me to death
in those gripping love scenes...Copy !req
312. with big old handsome
Denzel Washington.Copy !req
313. What courage it must have taken
for little Spike Lee to take off them glasses...Copy !req
314. and let that little hair
get knotty and say...Copy !req
315. "Hey, this is me.
Here I am. See me, love me."Copy !req
316. Hello! Put the car in park.Copy !req
317. The love interest was played
by Spike Lee's little sister, Joi.Copy !req
318. Well, touch me in the morning
and then just walk away.Copy !req
319. I don't know. I think you should go see
this again, then you tell me who's who.Copy !req
320. - Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.Copy !req
321. Don't get mad.Copy !req
322. - 'Toine.
- Okay.Copy !req
323. Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go!Copy !req
324. Ninety minutes
with Mr. Bruce Willis.Copy !req
325. Oh, yes. Don't tempt my tummy
with the taste of Nuts & Honey.Copy !req
326. Crazy.Copy !req
327. You know, the only thing I didn't
understand was all the violence in the film...Copy !req
328. 'cause the title
suggested a love story.Copy !req
329. Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.Copy !req
330. I think this one still deserves
the new and improved...Copy !req
331. Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.Copy !req
332. Stop. Can't touch this.Copy !req
333. Well, that's our show.Copy !req
334. Next week, we'll be looking at Air America,
starring Mel Gibson...Copy !req
335. and little Robert DowneyJrs.Copy !req
336. - Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.Copy !req
337. Bye, now.Copy !req
338. We'll see you next week.
Good night.Copy !req