1. - Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. Thank you. Thank you,
and welcome to In Living Color.Copy !req
3. Tonight's a special night on the show.
We had a local radio contest...Copy !req
4. and the winner got a chance to come on
the show and meet their favorite performer.Copy !req
5. And, well, they chose me.Copy !req
6. So, let's give a big round of applause
to our winnerJamil Hassan.Copy !req
7. - Come on out, Jamil.Copy !req
8. Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
9. You know,
I love the way you do Anton.Copy !req
10. And you're so funny on "Men On Film."Copy !req
11. Well, Jamil, actually, um,
that's my brother Damon who does that stuff.Copy !req
12. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
13. You're the coolest deejay. I can't believe
that you get to hang with the Fly Girls.Copy !req
14. Well, see, uh, actually, that's, um...Copy !req
15. That's Shawn, um, who's the deejay.Copy !req
16. Right, right.
How could I be so stupid?Copy !req
17. - Oh, it's all right.
- You do an amazing Tracy Chapman.Copy !req
18. No. No, um, actually, that's, um...Copy !req
19. that's my sister Kim that does Tracy Chapman.Copy !req
20. Well, who the hell are you?Copy !req
21. - I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- Who?Copy !req
22. The guy... The guy who put the whole thing
together. The executive producer.Copy !req
23. - You're the man in charge.
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
24. That's right. That's me.
I'm the man in charge.Copy !req
25. - You're the boss.
- The boss. Now you got it, Jamil.Copy !req
26. There you go. That's what I do.
I'm the boss.Copy !req
27. Here's a pen and paper.Copy !req
28. Now, what would you like?Copy !req
29. Could you get me their autographs?Copy !req
30. Sure.Copy !req
31. Next!Copy !req
32. Vrrooom.Copy !req
33. Is this the Army Recrucification Office, sir?Copy !req
34. Now, you probably
want the Eternal Life Mission.Copy !req
35. It's down the street and around the block.Copy !req
36. No, I've come to be all I can be...Copy !req
37. 'cause I've been what I've been
and it ain't paying too well.Copy !req
38. - Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh?Copy !req
39. What do you think you have to offer the army?Copy !req
40. Well, I'm glad you ask, sir.Copy !req
41. See, 'cause I'm an entertainer, you know?Copy !req
42. If you gave me $5...Copy !req
43. I could go over to Salty Armenia...Copy !req
44. and entertain the troops, see?Copy !req
45. 'Cause I'm a regular
boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company "B."Copy !req
46. I'm a boogie-woogie bugle boy...
Compan...Copy !req
47. Here. Camouflage that for me.Copy !req
48. Now, listen to me. I am in the business
of signing up real live soldiers, maggot!Copy !req
49. Maggot?
Hey, I ain't no maggot.Copy !req
50. Hey, I ain't never been
with another man before.Copy !req
51. Who told you that, Clarence?
He's lying. He's lying. I'm telling you.Copy !req
52. All right, once. I was desperate.Copy !req
53. I needed the money. I was drunk
and down out. Don't hold it against me.Copy !req
54. I don't have time for this!
I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment!Copy !req
55. Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment,
so we got something in common.Copy !req
56. - You know, as much as I would
love to send you over to Iraq...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
57. I don't think you'd last 10 minutes.Copy !req
58. Okay, just for instance...Copy !req
59. what would you do if you had to engage
the enemy in hand-to-hand combat?Copy !req
60. That's no problem, see...Copy !req
61. 'cause I'm skilled in the Martian arts.Copy !req
62. I know tai chi. Whaa!Copy !req
63. I know tae kwon-do.Copy !req
64. And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.Copy !req
65. You know, like how to take a rope.Copy !req
66. Just a simple rope...
anything becomes a weapon.Copy !req
67. You take that out and...Copy !req
68. Oh, that's the secret weapon there.Copy !req
69. Ewww.Copy !req
70. Oh, my God. What is that smell?Copy !req
71. Well, that was a sample of my nerve gas.Copy !req
72. All right, all right. That does it.
Get out of here. Go on! Get out of here!Copy !req
73. Well, wait a second. Hold on.Copy !req
74. - Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
75. I want to serve my country.Copy !req
76. Look, I'll give you $5 if you just get out of here
and forget you ever heard about the army.Copy !req
77. - Come on! Take it!
- Well, the guy down at the navy office
gave me...Copy !req
78. - Ah, here's $10.
- Well, the guy at the coast guard...Copy !req
79. All right, here's $25. Just go!Copy !req
80. $25, get you $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55?Copy !req
81. - Sold! $55!
- Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
82. Hello. I'm Barbara Wodehouse.Copy !req
83. You know, men are like dogs.Copy !req
84. They scratch, they chase tail...Copy !req
85. and they're always doing things
like licking your face...Copy !req
86. when you wish they'd just curl up
and go to sleep at the foot of the bed.Copy !req
87. I've taken the lessons I've learned
from taming dogs and applied them to men...Copy !req
88. because, you know, if you train a man properly,
you can keep him for a lifetime.Copy !req
89. Tonight, we have three couples who have
volunteered to share their problems with us.Copy !req
90. - And your name, dear, is?
- Alison.Copy !req
91. Hello, Alison.
And your man's name is?Copy !req
92. - Tom.
- Tom. What a good boy.Copy !req
93. - Yes, you are. What a good boy.
- Guess so.Copy !req
94. You have to encourage them, you see, dear?
Now tell us what your problem is.Copy !req
95. - Well, the thing with Tom
is every time we go out...
- Yes?Copy !req
96. Tom will go through the door,
slam the door tightly behind him...Copy !req
97. and leave me standing out in the cold.Copy !req
98. Now, I've talked to him about it several times.Copy !req
99. - And it hasn't worked, has it?
- No, it hasn't.Copy !req
100. No, it seldom does. It seldom does work.Copy !req
101. - What sort of collar are you using, dear?
- Collar?Copy !req
102. Yes. Well, judging from Tom's size
and his temper...Copy !req
103. I would recommend
a number-seven Wilson adjustable spiked.Copy !req
104. What we're going to do
is keep the leash straight up in the air.Copy !req
105. We jerk them and we love them.
You see? We jerk them and we love them.Copy !req
106. Now, let's you and I go for a nice walk,
shall we, Tom?Copy !req
107. Come now. Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
108. That's right. There we go.
Right through the door.Copy !req
109. There we are, dear. Walkies.Copy !req
110. Tom, you're going through the door
with a lady.Copy !req
111. You see?
You're going through the door with a lady.Copy !req
112. Try it again, shall we?
Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
113. Tom!Copy !req
114. Tom! I said you're going through the door
with a lady.Copy !req
115. Yes? Try it again, shall we?Copy !req
116. Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
117. After you, ma'am?Copy !req
118. - Now, why don't you
hold the door open for me, Tom?
- Sure.Copy !req
119. Alison, see how simple it is?
Now, why don't you take Tom
for a nice walk in the park?Copy !req
120. There you are. Off you go, children.
Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
121. Next couple, please.Copy !req
122. Now, Rebecca has a common problem,
haven't you, dear?Copy !req
123. Yes. My man leaves the toilet seat up.Copy !req
124. Oh, my. You're a naughty boy, aren't you?
Yes, you are.Copy !req
125. Now, do you use a magazine or newspapers
to discipline your man?Copy !req
126. Well, nothing really. L... l...Copy !req
127. - You know, I find that magazines
have just a little more sting.
- Hey! Cut it out!Copy !req
128. A little more crispness.
Now, let's you and I walk over here, dear.Copy !req
129. Yes, we're going to touch the toilet bowl.Copy !req
130. - You ain't gonna hit me
with that magazine again, are you?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
131. - I was just having a little fun. Yes.
- Hey!Copy !req
132. - Now touch the bowl.
It's not going to bite you.
- It's cold.Copy !req
133. It certainly is. But we women have
found that out the hard way, haven't we?Copy !req
134. - Yes.
- We certainly have.Copy !req
135. All right, now close your eyes and sit down.Copy !req
136. - It's a piece of cake.
- That's right.Copy !req
137. There we go. And in we go.Copy !req
138. - What the hell's wrong with you?
- That's what happens to women...Copy !req
139. when naughty men leave the seat up.Copy !req
140. We fall in, don't we?
Now, in the future...Copy !req
141. you're going to put the toilet seat down,
aren't you?Copy !req
142. Aren't you? Yes, you are, dear.Copy !req
143. Yes, you are. Now off you go.Copy !req
144. - All cured, dear. There you are.
- Thank you.Copy !req
145. Now, Karen here
has the most difficult problem of all.Copy !req
146. Yeah, yeah.
Well, apparently, no matter what I do...Copy !req
147. Harold can't seem to
stop looking at other women.Copy !req
148. - Oh, my goodness.
- That's the problem.Copy !req
149. Let us judge the severity
of the problem thusly...Copy !req
150. Susan, would you walk through now, dear?Copy !req
151. Do you see what I mean?Copy !req
152. I most certainly do.
You're a little rascal, aren't you?Copy !req
153. Yes, you are. You're a little rascal.Copy !req
154. In a case like this, I normally prescribe...Copy !req
155. a prosthetic cone-shaped collar which
severely limits the movement of the neck.Copy !req
156. Say, say, say!
What the hell you doing?Copy !req
157. You be a good boy
and I'll give you a biscuit.Copy !req
158. - Would you get out of my face, you ugly heifer?
- Oh, my!Copy !req
159. - I'm leaving, baby.
- This won't do. This won't do.Copy !req
160. - What did you do?
- Well, now, don't be alarmed, dear.Copy !req
161. I simply stunned him. You see?Copy !req
162. But, you know, I would, in future,
consider putting him to sleep.Copy !req
163. - I believe he's got rabies. Yes.
- Really?Copy !req
164. Well, you know, Karen,
why don't you and I go down to the...Copy !req
165. How would you say?
Um, discotheque...Copy !req
166. and find you another man, shall we?Copy !req
167. Walkies. Walkies. That's right.Copy !req
168. This has been
Training Men the Wodehouse Way.Copy !req
169. Now hear
other patriotic tunes...Copy !req
170. butchered by your favorite slob,
Roseanne Barr, in her new video album.Copy !req
171. See Roseanne as she scratches
her crotch or hocks a big loogie.Copy !req
172. The way her singing stinks,Copy !req
173. you'd swear
she's done something worse.Copy !req
174. But nothing could be worse
than Roseanne Sings America.Copy !req
175. Hey, look.
That's just the way I sing.Copy !req
176. If you don't like it,
you can kiss "My Country 'Tis ofThee."Copy !req
177. Roseanne Sings America.Copy !req
178. It will leave a lump in your throat,
but not for very long.Copy !req
179. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up?Copy !req
180. - Yeah, hello, Luther?
- Yeah, what's up, Phil?
Phil, from the record company.Copy !req
181. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm just calling to see...Copy !req
182. how the 2 Live Crew song for the new
We Are The World album is coming.Copy !req
183. It's going pretty good, Phil. I'm putting
the finishing touches on the song right now.Copy !req
184. All right. That's good.Copy !req
185. Luther, I know we went over this before...Copy !req
186. but remember,
this is a charity album for world hunger.Copy !req
187. - No vulgarity.
- I know.Copy !req
188. I got a seven-year-old baby girl right here,
man. I'm going to write this song for her.Copy !req
189. Good. Good.
I'll see you in the studio tomorrow.Copy !req
190. Hey, that's a dollar bet.
Yeah. Later, man.Copy !req
191. All right, let me see what I got here.Copy !req
192. Now...Copy !req
193. It's winter in the city
and the streets are white with snow.Copy !req
194. There ain't a creature stirring,
except a mangy old stank ho...Copy !req
195. bo. Hobo.Copy !req
196. All right. Yeah.Copy !req
197. That's easier than I thought, Luther.
All right. Okay, okay. Now, here we go.Copy !req
198. Uh, he's living in the subway
and he's feeling kind of sick.Copy !req
199. He says, my God it's cold,
I'm going to freeze...Copy !req
200. off my trick elbow.Copy !req
201. No, I'll come back to that later.Copy !req
202. All right, I got homeless man.
He's in the snow.Copy !req
203. What's he do? What's he see?
Uh... Oh, I got it, I got it.Copy !req
204. He goes into a shelter.Copy !req
205. And he sees some cute little kitties.Copy !req
206. But the host says, " Don't you pet those.Copy !req
207. Come here..."Copy !req
208. Don't go there, Luther. Easy now.Copy !req
209. You can keep it clean.Copy !req
210. "Come pet my doggy...Copy !req
211. that was born in the Twin Cities."Copy !req
212. No, that don't work.
Let me back up. Let me back up.Copy !req
213. He looks around the shelter...Copy !req
214. and he smells a fresh-baked cookie batch.Copy !req
215. But the ho won't let him eat them.Copy !req
216. She says, " Here come eat the cake...Copy !req
217. I baked from scratch."Copy !req
218. That doesn't make sense, but it's clean. Okay.Copy !req
219. So, you need just one more line.
Let's keep going.Copy !req
220. The hobo falls asleep in bed.
His covers are all tucked.Copy !req
221. But the ho won't let him sleep...Copy !req
222. The conclusion of this sketch has
unfortunately been banned in the U.S.A.Copy !req
223. Next!Copy !req
224. Listen, do you mind if I go first?Copy !req
225. I've got to get back to the stock exchange
before 4:00.Copy !req
226. Oh, sure, let you go
embezzle your millions...Copy !req
227. while I struggle to get by
off of minimum wage.Copy !req
228. I don't think so.Copy !req
229. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
230. - Sit down.
- I don't feel like it.Copy !req
231. I said sit down!Copy !req
232. - Name.
- Homey D. Clown.Copy !req
233. Oh, yes. Herman Simpson.Copy !req
234. We know all about you.Copy !req
235. I'm Sally.
I'm your new parole officer.Copy !req
236. - What's that, Sally?
- It's your file.Copy !req
237. Let's see. " Abusive language,
failure to perform prescribed..."Copy !req
238. Save your breath.
That's just another long list of lies...Copy !req
239. perpetrated by the man
to keep a brother down.Copy !req
240. Clown, please.
Let's place the blame where it belongs.Copy !req
241. I believe your anti-social behavior
is the real problem.Copy !req
242. I'll tell you what the real problem is.Copy !req
243. - The real problem is you're
nothing but a tool of the man.
- You are living in a fantasy.Copy !req
244. - Another oppressor.
- You wanna blame everybody but yourself!Copy !req
245. - You want to break the rules
and stay out of jail!
- You don't care about me!Copy !req
246. I don't think so.Copy !req
247. - Yeah!
- It's Homey the clown!Copy !req
248. - Hey, Homey, does your nose squeak?
- Girl, don't touch my nose.Copy !req
249. - Hey, clowny, do a stupid clown trick.
- Yeah!Copy !req
250. - I'd love to.
- Herman!Copy !req
251. - Come on.!
- Yeah, come on.!Copy !req
252. Okay, children.
Just one stupid clown trick.Copy !req
253. - Yeah!
- Yea!Copy !req
254. Look at Homey's flower.
Smell Homey's flower.Copy !req
255. - Okay, run along, little children.Copy !req
256. See? He's a stupid weak clown.Copy !req
257. Now, that's more like
the Herman I want to see.Copy !req
258. He kicked me in my behind, honey.Copy !req
259. Oh, that's all right. Because you're
starting to act like a real person.Copy !req
260. By the way, Mama's coming over on Monday.Copy !req
261. And Wednesday you start your new job.Copy !req
262. But I got a job, honey bunch.Copy !req
263. I'm a clown, remember?Copy !req
264. You're not a clown. You're a buffoon.Copy !req
265. I'm talking about a real job, Herman.Copy !req
266. An entry level position at that
fancy new restaurant I told you about.Copy !req
267. - Not Chez Whitey.
- Yes.Copy !req
268. Look. It's high time
you stopped playing the fool.Copy !req
269. Get yourself out of that ridiculous outfit
and into a regular suit.Copy !req
270. You know, Herman, I can just picture it.Copy !req
271. You wearing one of those
nice little red valetjackets.Copy !req
272. If you're faithful and humble...Copy !req
273. and do exactly what the man tells you...Copy !req
274. that means no hostility...Copy !req
275. they might even
let you inside the restaurant.Copy !req
276. The time has come for you
to fit into society.Copy !req
277. Come on, Herman,
give it up and join the establishment.Copy !req
278. - The establishment, huh?
- Yes.Copy !req
279. You want me to put on a little monkey suit
and park cars for the man, huh?Copy !req
280. Maybe if I do real good,
I can move up to washing dishes.Copy !req
281. Then maybe waiting tables.
Who knows?Copy !req
282. Maybe five or six years later...Copy !req
283. I'll be able to seat Whitey himself.Copy !req
284. - You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Yes, Herman, I would.Copy !req
285. I don't think so.Copy !req
286. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
287. - I'm telling Daddy.
- Good. Give him this when you see him.Copy !req
288. Hmm. Now, I wonder where
those sweet little childrens went.Copy !req
289. There he is! I told you he'd still be here.Copy !req
290. Hey, uh... Hey, clown man,
do another trick for us, will ya?Copy !req
291. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
292. - Another clown trick, huh?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
293. So you can fall down laughing while I degrade
and shame myself for your amusement, huh?Copy !req
294. - Yeah!
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?Copy !req
295. - Yeah!
- Yeah! Homey! Homey!Copy !req
296. Homey! Homey! Homey!Copy !req
297. - Homey!
- Sit down!Copy !req
298. Gather round, little chickadees.Copy !req
299. Homey's got a little love story to tell you.Copy !req
300. - Ooh!
- Now, which one of you kicked me
in my behind earlier?Copy !req
301. - He did!
- Me!Copy !req
302. - Okay, you get up here and be my assistant.
- Yeah!Copy !req
303. Hey!Copy !req
304. Now, once upon a time...Copy !req
305. two lonely hearts came together.Copy !req
306. - Woo woo.
- Wow.
- Just like this.Copy !req
307. - Ooh.
- Ewww.Copy !req
308. Then love poured all out
from their hearts...Copy !req
309. nice and thick like.Copy !req
310. Until Homey realized...Copy !req
311. that it was just a trick
to whiten him up, like so.Copy !req
312. And it made his heart beat
over and over and over again.Copy !req
313. The end.Copy !req
314. So, what has our little lesson
taught us if nothing else, childrens?Copy !req
315. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
316. Very good.
Now, let's sing a little Homey love song.Copy !req
317. - You do backup for me, would you?
- Yeah.!Copy !req
318. - I said back me up.Copy !req
319. Hey, hey.! Hey.!Copy !req
320. The white girl is off beat.Copy !req
321. The end.Copy !req
322. We'll see you next week...
Sunday night, 8:00. Peace.Copy !req
323. - Later!Copy !req