1. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
2. d In living colordCopy !req
3. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
4. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
5. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
6. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
7. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
8. - d Take it from me It's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
9. d And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete dCopy !req
10. d And all mankind danced
to the exact beat dCopy !req
11. - d And at night it was safe
to walk down the street d
- d In living colordCopy !req
12. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
13. d In living colordCopy !req
14. d In living colordCopy !req
15. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
16. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
17. d Everybody here
is equally kind dCopy !req
18. d Everybody here
is equally kind dCopy !req
19. d Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody dCopy !req
20. - d Everybody here is equally kind d
- d In living colordCopy !req
21. d What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine dCopy !req
22. d In living c-c-c-olordCopy !req
23. d You can do what you wanna do
in living colordCopy !req
24. - d In living colord
- d You know what I'm sayin'dCopy !req
25. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
26. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon dCopy !req
27. - d Take it from me It's a'ight to be d
- d In living colordCopy !req
28. d You can do what you wanna do
in living colorddCopy !req
29. - Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
30. Thank you. Thank you,
and welcome to In Living Color.Copy !req
31. Tonight's a special night on the show.
We had a local radio contest...Copy !req
32. and the winner got a chance to come on
the show and meet their favorite performer.Copy !req
33. And, well, they chose me.Copy !req
34. So, let's give a big round of applause
to our winnerJamil Hassan.Copy !req
35. - Come on out, Jamil.Copy !req
36. Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
37. You know,
I love the way you do Anton.Copy !req
38. And you're so funny on "Men On Film."Copy !req
39. Well, Jamil, actually, um,
that's my brother Damon who does that stuff.Copy !req
40. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
41. You're the coolest deejay. I can't believe
that you get to hang with the Fly Girls.Copy !req
42. Well, see, uh, actually, that's, um...Copy !req
43. That's Shawn, um, who's the deejay.Copy !req
44. Right, right.
How could I be so stupid?Copy !req
45. - Oh, it's all right.
- You do an amazing Tracy Chapman.Copy !req
46. No. No, um, actually, that's, um...Copy !req
47. that's my sister Kim that does Tracy Chapman.Copy !req
48. Well, who the hell are you?Copy !req
49. - I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- Who?Copy !req
50. The guy... The guy who put the whole thing
together. The executive producer.Copy !req
51. - You're the man in charge.
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
52. That's right. That's me.
I'm the man in charge.Copy !req
53. - You're the boss.
- The boss. Now you got it, Jamil.Copy !req
54. There you go. That's what I do.
I'm the boss.Copy !req
55. Here's a pen and paper.Copy !req
56. Now, what would you like?Copy !req
57. Could you get me their autographs?Copy !req
58. Sure.Copy !req
59. ddCopy !req
60. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
61. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
62. d You can do what you wanna do dCopy !req
63. - d In living colord
- d In living colordCopy !req
64. d You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon dCopy !req
65. d You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ddCopy !req
66. Next!Copy !req
67. Vrrooom.Copy !req
68. Is this the Army Recrucification Office, sir?Copy !req
69. Now, you probably
want the Eternal Life Mission.Copy !req
70. It's down the street and around the block.Copy !req
71. No, I've come to be all I can be...Copy !req
72. 'cause I've been what I've been
and it ain't paying too well.Copy !req
73. - Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh?Copy !req
74. What do you think you have to offer the army?Copy !req
75. Well, I'm glad you ask, sir.Copy !req
76. See, 'cause I'm an entertainer, you know?Copy !req
77. If you gave me $5...Copy !req
78. I could go over to Salty Armenia...Copy !req
79. and entertain the troops, see?Copy !req
80. 'Cause I'm a regular
boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company "B."Copy !req
81. I'm a boogie-woogie bugle boy...
Compan...Copy !req
82. Here. Camouflage that for me.Copy !req
83. Now, listen to me. I am in the business
of signing up real live soldiers, maggot!Copy !req
84. Maggot?
Hey, I ain't no maggot.Copy !req
85. Hey, I ain't never been
with another man before.Copy !req
86. Who told you that, Clarence?
He's lying. He's lying. I'm telling you.Copy !req
87. All right, once. I was desperate.Copy !req
88. I needed the money. I was drunk
and down out. Don't hold it against me.Copy !req
89. I don't have time for this!
I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment!Copy !req
90. Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment,
so we got something in common.Copy !req
91. - You know, as much as I would
love to send you over to Iraq...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
92. I don't think you'd last 10 minutes.Copy !req
93. Okay, just for instance...Copy !req
94. what would you do if you had to engage
the enemy in hand-to-hand combat?Copy !req
95. That's no problem, see...Copy !req
96. 'cause I'm skilled in the Martian arts.Copy !req
97. I know tai chi. Whaa!Copy !req
98. I know tae kwon-do.Copy !req
99. And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.Copy !req
100. You know, like how to take a rope.Copy !req
101. Just a simple rope...
anything becomes a weapon.Copy !req
102. You take that out and...Copy !req
103. Oh, that's the secret weapon there.Copy !req
104. Ewww.Copy !req
105. Oh, my God. What is that smell?Copy !req
106. Well, that was a sample of my nerve gas.Copy !req
107. All right, all right. That does it.
Get out of here. Go on! Get out of here!Copy !req
108. Well, wait a second. Hold on.Copy !req
109. - Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
110. I want to serve my country.Copy !req
111. Look, I'll give you $5 if you just get out of here
and forget you ever heard about the army.Copy !req
112. - Come on! Take it!
- Well, the guy down at the navy office
gave me...Copy !req
113. - Ah, here's $10.
- Well, the guy at the coast guard...Copy !req
114. All right, here's $25. Just go!Copy !req
115. $25, get you $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55?Copy !req
116. - Sold! $55!
- Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
117. - dd
- It's time for Training Men
the Wodehouse Way.Copy !req
118. Hello. I'm Barbara Wodehouse.Copy !req
119. You know, men are like dogs.Copy !req
120. They scratch, they chase tail...Copy !req
121. and they're always doing things
like licking your face...Copy !req
122. when you wish they'd just curl up
and go to sleep at the foot of the bed.Copy !req
123. I've taken the lessons I've learned
from taming dogs and applied them to men...Copy !req
124. because, you know, if you train a man properly,
you can keep him for a lifetime.Copy !req
125. Tonight, we have three couples who have
volunteered to share their problems with us.Copy !req
126. - And your name, dear, is?
- Alison.Copy !req
127. Hello, Alison.
And your man's name is?Copy !req
128. - Tom.
- Tom. What a good boy.Copy !req
129. - Yes, you are. What a good boy.
- Guess so.Copy !req
130. You have to encourage them, you see, dear?
Now tell us what your problem is.Copy !req
131. - Well, the thing with Tom
is every time we go out...
- Yes?Copy !req
132. Tom will go through the door,
slam the door tightly behind him...Copy !req
133. and leave me standing out in the cold.Copy !req
134. Now, I've talked to him about it several times.Copy !req
135. - And it hasn't worked, has it?
- No, it hasn't.Copy !req
136. No, it seldom does. It seldom does work.Copy !req
137. - What sort of collar are you using, dear?
- Collar?Copy !req
138. Yes. Well, judging from Tom's size
and his temper...Copy !req
139. I would recommend
a number-seven Wilson adjustable spiked.Copy !req
140. What we're going to do
is keep the leash straight up in the air.Copy !req
141. We jerk them and we love them.
You see? We jerk them and we love them.Copy !req
142. Now, let's you and I go for a nice walk,
shall we, Tom?Copy !req
143. Come now. Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
144. That's right. There we go.
Right through the door.Copy !req
145. There we are, dear. Walkies.Copy !req
146. Tom, you're going through the door
with a lady.Copy !req
147. You see?
You're going through the door with a lady.Copy !req
148. Try it again, shall we?
Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
149. Tom!Copy !req
150. Tom! I said you're going through the door
with a lady.Copy !req
151. Yes? Try it again, shall we?Copy !req
152. Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
153. After you, ma'am?Copy !req
154. - Now, why don't you
hold the door open for me, Tom?
- Sure.Copy !req
155. Alison, see how simple it is?
Now, why don't you take Tom
for a nice walk in the park?Copy !req
156. There you are. Off you go, children.
Walkies. Walkies.Copy !req
157. Next couple, please.Copy !req
158. Now, Rebecca has a common problem,
haven't you, dear?Copy !req
159. Yes. My man leaves the toilet seat up.Copy !req
160. Oh, my. You're a naughty boy, aren't you?
Yes, you are.Copy !req
161. Now, do you use a magazine or newspapers
to discipline your man?Copy !req
162. Well, nothing really. L... l...Copy !req
163. - You know, I find that magazines
have just a little more sting.
- Hey! Cut it out!Copy !req
164. A little more crispness.
Now, let's you and I walk over here, dear.Copy !req
165. Yes, we're going to touch the toilet bowl.Copy !req
166. - You ain't gonna hit me
with that magazine again, are you?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
167. - I was just having a little fun. Yes.
- Hey!Copy !req
168. - Now touch the bowl.
It's not going to bite you.
- It's cold.Copy !req
169. It certainly is. But we women have
found that out the hard way, haven't we?Copy !req
170. - Yes.
- We certainly have.Copy !req
171. All right, now close your eyes and sit down.Copy !req
172. - It's a piece of cake.
- That's right.Copy !req
173. There we go. And in we go.Copy !req
174. - What the hell's wrong with you?
- That's what happens to women...Copy !req
175. when naughty men leave the seat up.Copy !req
176. We fall in, don't we?
Now, in the future...Copy !req
177. you're going to put the toilet seat down,
aren't you?Copy !req
178. Aren't you? Yes, you are, dear.Copy !req
179. Yes, you are. Now off you go.Copy !req
180. - All cured, dear. There you are.
- Thank you.Copy !req
181. Now, Karen here
has the most difficult problem of all.Copy !req
182. Yeah, yeah.
Well, apparently, no matter what I do...Copy !req
183. Harold can't seem to
stop looking at other women.Copy !req
184. - Oh, my goodness.
- That's the problem.Copy !req
185. Let us judge the severity
of the problem thusly...Copy !req
186. Susan, would you walk through now, dear?Copy !req
187. Do you see what I mean?Copy !req
188. I most certainly do.
You're a little rascal, aren't you?Copy !req
189. Yes, you are. You're a little rascal.Copy !req
190. In a case like this, I normally prescribe...Copy !req
191. a prosthetic cone-shaped collar which
severely limits the movement of the neck.Copy !req
192. Say, say, say!
What the hell you doing?Copy !req
193. You be a good boy
and I'll give you a biscuit.Copy !req
194. - Would you get out of my face, you ugly heifer?
- Oh, my!Copy !req
195. - I'm leaving, baby.
- This won't do. This won't do.Copy !req
196. - What did you do?
- Well, now, don't be alarmed, dear.Copy !req
197. I simply stunned him. You see?Copy !req
198. But, you know, I would, in future,
consider putting him to sleep.Copy !req
199. - I believe he's got rabies. Yes.
- Really?Copy !req
200. Well, you know, Karen,
why don't you and I go down to the...Copy !req
201. How would you say?
Um, discotheque...Copy !req
202. and find you another man, shall we?Copy !req
203. Walkies. Walkies. That's right.Copy !req
204. This has been
Training Men the Wodehouse Way.Copy !req
205. - d For the land of the brave d
- You've seen her special version
of the national anthem.Copy !req
206. Now hear
other patriotic tunes...Copy !req
207. butchered by your favorite slob,
Roseanne Barr, in her new video album.Copy !req
208. See Roseanne as she scratches
her crotch or hocks a big loogie.Copy !req
209. - She spits, she scratches, she belches.
- d Oh, beautiful dCopy !req
210. d For spacious skies dCopy !req
211. d For amber waves of grain... dCopy !req
212. The way her singing stinks,Copy !req
213. you'd swear
she's done something worse.Copy !req
214. But nothing could be worse
than Roseanne Sings America.Copy !req
215. d Above the fruited plain ddCopy !req
216. Hey, look.
That's just the way I sing.Copy !req
217. If you don't like it,
you can kiss "My Country 'Tis ofThee."Copy !req
218. Roseanne Sings America.Copy !req
219. It will leave a lump in your throat,
but not for very long.Copy !req
220. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up?Copy !req
221. - Yeah, hello, Luther?
- Yeah, what's up, Phil?
Phil, from the record company.Copy !req
222. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm just calling to see...Copy !req
223. how the 2 Live Crew song for the new
We Are The World album is coming.Copy !req
224. It's going pretty good, Phil. I'm putting
the finishing touches on the song right now.Copy !req
225. All right. That's good.Copy !req
226. Luther, I know we went over this before...Copy !req
227. but remember,
this is a charity album for world hunger.Copy !req
228. - No vulgarity.
- I know.Copy !req
229. I got a seven-year-old baby girl right here,
man. I'm going to write this song for her.Copy !req
230. Good. Good.
I'll see you in the studio tomorrow.Copy !req
231. Hey, that's a dollar bet.
Yeah. Later, man.Copy !req
232. All right, let me see what I got here.Copy !req
233. Now...Copy !req
234. It's winter in the city
and the streets are white with snow.Copy !req
235. There ain't a creature stirring,
except a mangy old stank ho...Copy !req
236. bo. Hobo.Copy !req
237. All right. Yeah.Copy !req
238. That's easier than I thought, Luther.
All right. Okay, okay. Now, here we go.Copy !req
239. Uh, he's living in the subway
and he's feeling kind of sick.Copy !req
240. He says, my God it's cold,
I'm going to freeze...Copy !req
241. off my trick elbow.Copy !req
242. No, I'll come back to that later.Copy !req
243. All right, I got homeless man.
He's in the snow.Copy !req
244. What's he do? What's he see?
Uh... Oh, I got it, I got it.Copy !req
245. He goes into a shelter.Copy !req
246. And he sees some cute little kitties.Copy !req
247. But the host says, " Don't you pet those.Copy !req
248. Come here..."Copy !req
249. Don't go there, Luther. Easy now.Copy !req
250. You can keep it clean.Copy !req
251. "Come pet my doggy...Copy !req
252. that was born in the Twin Cities."Copy !req
253. No, that don't work.
Let me back up. Let me back up.Copy !req
254. He looks around the shelter...Copy !req
255. and he smells a fresh-baked cookie batch.Copy !req
256. But the ho won't let him eat them.Copy !req
257. She says, " Here come eat the cake...Copy !req
258. I baked from scratch."Copy !req
259. That doesn't make sense, but it's clean. Okay.Copy !req
260. So, you need just one more line.
Let's keep going.Copy !req
261. The hobo falls asleep in bed.
His covers are all tucked.Copy !req
262. But the ho won't let him sleep...Copy !req
263. The conclusion of this sketch has
unfortunately been banned in the U.S.A.Copy !req
264. ddCopy !req
265. ddCopy !req
266. ddCopy !req
267. Next!Copy !req
268. Listen, do you mind if I go first?Copy !req
269. I've got to get back to the stock exchange
before 4:00.Copy !req
270. Oh, sure, let you go
embezzle your millions...Copy !req
271. while I struggle to get by
off of minimum wage.Copy !req
272. I don't think so.Copy !req
273. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
274. - Sit down.
- I don't feel like it.Copy !req
275. I said sit down!Copy !req
276. - Name.
- Homey D. Clown.Copy !req
277. Oh, yes. Herman Simpson.Copy !req
278. We know all about you.Copy !req
279. I'm Sally.
I'm your new parole officer.Copy !req
280. - What's that, Sally?
- It's your file.Copy !req
281. Let's see. " Abusive language,
failure to perform prescribed..."Copy !req
282. Save your breath.
That's just another long list of lies...Copy !req
283. perpetrated by the man
to keep a brother down.Copy !req
284. Clown, please.
Let's place the blame where it belongs.Copy !req
285. I believe your anti-social behavior
is the real problem.Copy !req
286. I'll tell you what the real problem is.Copy !req
287. - The real problem is you're
nothing but a tool of the man.
- You are living in a fantasy.Copy !req
288. - Another oppressor.
- You wanna blame everybody but yourself!Copy !req
289. - You want to break the rules
and stay out of jail!
- You don't care about me!Copy !req
290. I don't think so.Copy !req
291. ddCopy !req
292. - Yeah!
- It's Homey the clown!Copy !req
293. - Hey, Homey, does your nose squeak?
- Girl, don't touch my nose.Copy !req
294. - Hey, clowny, do a stupid clown trick.
- Yeah!Copy !req
295. - I'd love to.
- Herman!Copy !req
296. - Come on.!
- Yeah, come on.!Copy !req
297. Okay, children.
Just one stupid clown trick.Copy !req
298. - Yeah!
- Yea!Copy !req
299. Look at Homey's flower.
Smell Homey's flower.Copy !req
300. - Okay, run along, little children.Copy !req
301. See? He's a stupid weak clown.Copy !req
302. Now, that's more like
the Herman I want to see.Copy !req
303. He kicked me in my behind, honey.Copy !req
304. Oh, that's all right. Because you're
starting to act like a real person.Copy !req
305. By the way, Mama's coming over on Monday.Copy !req
306. And Wednesday you start your new job.Copy !req
307. But I got a job, honey bunch.Copy !req
308. I'm a clown, remember?Copy !req
309. You're not a clown. You're a buffoon.Copy !req
310. I'm talking about a real job, Herman.Copy !req
311. An entry level position at that
fancy new restaurant I told you about.Copy !req
312. - Not Chez Whitey.
- Yes.Copy !req
313. Look. It's high time
you stopped playing the fool.Copy !req
314. Get yourself out of that ridiculous outfit
and into a regular suit.Copy !req
315. You know, Herman, I can just picture it.Copy !req
316. You wearing one of those
nice little red valetjackets.Copy !req
317. If you're faithful and humble...Copy !req
318. and do exactly what the man tells you...Copy !req
319. that means no hostility...Copy !req
320. they might even
let you inside the restaurant.Copy !req
321. The time has come for you
to fit into society.Copy !req
322. Come on, Herman,
give it up and join the establishment.Copy !req
323. - The establishment, huh?
- Yes.Copy !req
324. You want me to put on a little monkey suit
and park cars for the man, huh?Copy !req
325. Maybe if I do real good,
I can move up to washing dishes.Copy !req
326. Then maybe waiting tables.
Who knows?Copy !req
327. Maybe five or six years later...Copy !req
328. I'll be able to seat Whitey himself.Copy !req
329. - You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Yes, Herman, I would.Copy !req
330. I don't think so.Copy !req
331. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
332. - I'm telling Daddy.
- Good. Give him this when you see him.Copy !req
333. Hmm. Now, I wonder where
those sweet little childrens went.Copy !req
334. There he is! I told you he'd still be here.Copy !req
335. Hey, uh... Hey, clown man,
do another trick for us, will ya?Copy !req
336. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
337. - Another clown trick, huh?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
338. So you can fall down laughing while I degrade
and shame myself for your amusement, huh?Copy !req
339. - Yeah!
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?Copy !req
340. - Yeah!
- Yeah! Homey! Homey!Copy !req
341. Homey! Homey! Homey!Copy !req
342. - Homey!
- Sit down!Copy !req
343. Gather round, little chickadees.Copy !req
344. Homey's got a little love story to tell you.Copy !req
345. - Ooh!
- Now, which one of you kicked me
in my behind earlier?Copy !req
346. - He did!
- Me!Copy !req
347. - Okay, you get up here and be my assistant.
- Yeah!Copy !req
348. Hey!Copy !req
349. Now, once upon a time...Copy !req
350. two lonely hearts came together.Copy !req
351. - Woo woo.
- Wow.
- Just like this.Copy !req
352. - Ooh.
- Ewww.Copy !req
353. Then love poured all out
from their hearts...Copy !req
354. nice and thick like.Copy !req
355. Until Homey realized...Copy !req
356. that it was just a trick
to whiten him up, like so.Copy !req
357. And it made his heart beat
over and over and over again.Copy !req
358. The end.Copy !req
359. So, what has our little lesson
taught us if nothing else, childrens?Copy !req
360. Homey don't play that.Copy !req
361. Very good.
Now, let's sing a little Homey love song.Copy !req
362. - You do backup for me, would you?
- Yeah.!Copy !req
363. - d Love is bad d
- d Bad dCopy !req
364. - d Love is sad d
- d Sad dCopy !req
365. - d Love ain't glad d
- d Glad dCopy !req
366. d Love is something you wish you never had dCopy !req
367. d 'Cause love takes your heart
and kicks it around the room dCopy !req
368. d Then it tries to set you up
and send you to jail dCopy !req
369. d It'll make you unhappy
for the rest of your life dCopy !req
370. - I said back me up.
- ddCopy !req
371. ddCopy !req
372. Hey, hey.! Hey.!Copy !req
373. The white girl is off beat.Copy !req
374. The end.Copy !req
375. We'll see you next week...
Sunday night, 8:00. Peace.Copy !req
376. - Later!
- ddCopy !req
377. d You can do what you wanna do ddCopy !req