1. Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. Thank you.Copy !req
3. Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
4. We got a great...Copy !req
5. We got, uh...
We got a great show tonight.Copy !req
6. Some great comedy,
some music. Um...Copy !req
7. And as always, we got...
the Fly Girls. Uh...Copy !req
8. You know, I'm a guy who really
believes in hiring his family.Copy !req
9. You know I have my brothers
and sisters on this show.Copy !req
10. But, um, no matter how much
you love your grandparents...Copy !req
11. never hire 'em as a boom operator.Copy !req
12. - Are you okay, Keenen?
- I'm just fine, Grandma.Copy !req
13. Just fine. We'll just let this be
the last week, okay?Copy !req
14. Up yours. I'm in the union now.Copy !req
15. SW1, kick it!Copy !req
16. Oh, girl, you almost
gave me a heart attack...Copy !req
17. sneaking up on me like that.Copy !req
18. I ain't never seen you here before.Copy !req
19. Oh, hi, girl.
My name is Benita Butrell, mm-hmm.Copy !req
20. Been here in these
Hopkins projects over 18 years.Copy !req
21. You know, we've been having
a rash of robberies going on around here...Copy !req
22. so us concerned tenants decided
to organize this here tenant patrol.Copy !req
23. Oh, look!
There goes Easterly.Copy !req
24. She the one that suggested
I be the block captain.Copy !req
25. She like a sister to me.Copy !req
26. Easterly! Hey, Easterly!Copy !req
27. It's me... Beebee!Copy !req
28. Girl, I see why your mama
call you Easterly.Copy !req
29. With that perfume you're wearing,
smell like a basket of fresh Easter flowers.Copy !req
30. A basket of rotten Easter eggs
is more like it, mm-hmm.Copy !req
31. Girl think all she got to do is throw some
perfume on top of stank and everything's okay.Copy !req
32. Smells so funky,
you can smell her over the telephone.Copy !req
33. But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard it from me.Copy !req
34. No, you haven't. Mm-mm.Copy !req
35. No, you haven't.Copy !req
36. Oh, lookee there!
There go little Russell Thomas.Copy !req
37. I used to babysit him when he was
just a little, itty-bitty baby.Copy !req
38. Russell! Russell!Copy !req
39. Boy, your mama must be so proud of you.Copy !req
40. Give her my love. Hmm!Copy !req
41. If Miss Benita was just 15 years younger
and had all my strength...Copy !req
42. Lord knows what I'd do.Copy !req
43. I'd beat the crap out of that little hustler.
That's what I'd do.Copy !req
44. I notice you shook his hand.
You better count your fingers
and make sure they still there.Copy !req
45. That little addict's
so desperate for a fix...Copy !req
46. he'd steal the crack from your behind.Copy !req
47. But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.Copy !req
48. No, you haven't, mm-mm.Copy !req
49. Yeah, honey, the whole
neighborhood running scared.Copy !req
50. Woman over in Building 27
had a gold watch stolen last week.Copy !req
51. That's why you got to wear
your valuables on you, girl.Copy !req
52. You see this here?Copy !req
53. That's a real diamond there.Copy !req
54. Yeah, you know I got royalty in my blood.Copy !req
55. This diamond was passed down
from generation to generation.Copy !req
56. Used to be the size
of an ice cube, mm-hmm.Copy !req
57. Friends would call me Zsa Zsa Butrell.Copy !req
58. Then one day I was
heating up some neck bones...Copy !req
59. my diamond caught on fire,
and this was all I could save.Copy !req
60. But that's all right, honey,
'cause unlike these other project bunnies...Copy !req
61. I'm gonna have me something.Copy !req
62. That's right, 'cause I'm enrolled in
the Parker School of Rodent Extermination...Copy !req
63. and the Helicopter Pilots Academy.Copy !req
64. So Miss Benita's gonna have.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
65. Oh, lookee there.
There go Peabody Scott.Copy !req
66. Yeah, Peabody Scott
from Building 92.Copy !req
67. See he got the whole brood
with him tonight.Copy !req
68. Peabody! P-P-Peabody!Copy !req
69. Boy, somebody ought to give you
the Father of the Year Award.Copy !req
70. Mm-hmm. We need more men
like you in these projects.Copy !req
71. Always got them kids out with you.Copy !req
72. That little one over there
got your personality.Copy !req
73. His personality and
the maintenance man's eyes.Copy !req
74. Damn fool.
Ain't one of them kids his.Copy !req
75. That last one came out looking
so much like the mailman...Copy !req
76. people were sticking
letters in his diapers.Copy !req
77. But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.Copy !req
78. No, you haven't.
So who are you here to see?Copy !req
79. Mrs. Jenkins? Oh, Lord!Copy !req
80. How come you didn't tell me
you were here to see Mrs. Jenkins?Copy !req
81. She like a mother to me.Copy !req
82. I love me some Mrs. Jenkins, honey.Copy !req
83. Don't nobody better say nothing bad
about Mrs. Jenkins...Copy !req
84. 'cause that's when Benita lose it.Copy !req
85. That's when Benita goes off.Copy !req
86. That's a fine woman.
Fine woman.Copy !req
87. Mm-hmm.
Just don't let her take her wig off.Copy !req
88. Head so bald, you can see her thoughts.Copy !req
89. But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me!Copy !req
90. - No, you haven't.Copy !req
91. Miss Benita, Miss Benita.
Excuse me.Copy !req
92. Miss Benita,
cops are all outside your building.Copy !req
93. Someone broke in your apartment.Copy !req
94. I knew that old beady-eyed
Russell Thomas was up to no good!Copy !req
95. Girl, I gots to go.
The china the queen gave me is in there.Copy !req
96. Ooh, let me get my chair.Copy !req
97. - All right, people!Copy !req
98. All right, people, freeze!Copy !req
99. Everybody, listen up!
Al Macafee's on the scene.Copy !req
100. Now, that means no fondling,
holding, hugging, caressing...Copy !req
101. cuddling, embracing,
dancing too close.Copy !req
102. We're gonna have a clean prom
this year, people.Copy !req
103. Consider yourselves warned.
Carry on.Copy !req
104. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Ruthy.
- Hi, Al.Copy !req
105. Ruthy, I think it's time you heard
Mr. Macafee's speech on love.Copy !req
106. If you were food,
you'd be my muffin...Copy !req
107. and if you were a turkey,
I'd give you my stuffin'.Copy !req
108. You're making me queasy, Al.Copy !req
109. - Here you go, Ruth.
- Oh, hey, baby.Copy !req
110. Excuse me, son. I don't know
what home room you're in...Copy !req
111. but I'm sure you know the rules
about fraternizing with the teachers.Copy !req
112. Al, I'd like for you to meet
my fiancé, John Tyler.Copy !req
113. - Heard a lot about you, Al.
- Fiancé?Copy !req
114. Ruthy, you're makin'
the biggest mistake of your life!Copy !req
115. Give me your love, honey!Copy !req
116. - Al!
- Hey, that'll be enough, pal.Copy !req
117. All right, you little stud, come on!Copy !req
118. Shoot your best shot, mister!
Five years of tae kwon do, baby! Come on!Copy !req
119. - Let's get out of here.Copy !req
120. Yeah, you can run,
but you can't hide, you little runt!Copy !req
121. Hey, hey, hey!
What the Sam Hill's goin' on here?Copy !req
122. - I'm getting a glass of punch.
- Yeah, right, right, right.Copy !req
123. Let me tell you something.
I think it's time you heard
Mr. Macafee's speech on booze.Copy !req
124. Don't spike the punch bowl
'cause it makes you punchy!Copy !req
125. - Let me go!
- Back talk, huh, little missy?Copy !req
126. - All right, you're out of here!
- But it's my prom.Copy !req
127. Yeah, tell it to an A.A. Meeting,
you little lush! Get out!Copy !req
128. Boy, that's good punch.Copy !req
129. What are you looking at?Copy !req
130. Hey, hey, hey! Hardison?
Where's the fire, son?Copy !req
131. Mr. Macafee,
I got a stain on my father's tux.Copy !req
132. And quite a nice little outfit it is, my boy.Copy !req
133. It's my father's tux,
and his father wore it to his prom too.Copy !req
134. It's very expensive.
If anything happened to it,
I'd be in so much trouble!Copy !req
135. Well, just cool your jets, little mister.Copy !req
136. - Looks like you just got a little thread loose.
- There's nothing on it...Copy !req
137. - Mr. Macafee, what have you done?
- You just broke the dress code!Copy !req
138. - Get out of here! Take it to the parking lot!
- That's not fair!Copy !req
139. Life's not fair. Go ahead.Copy !req
140. Hey, Macafee.
You're looking pretty sharp there, big guy.Copy !req
141. - Thanks a lot, bucko.
- Hey, Ma-ca-fee!Copy !req
142. - It's Macafee, son.
- You are doin' a good job.Copy !req
143. Hey, gimme some skin.
Take a hike.Copy !req
144. No gang signals on the dance floor.
Go ahead, get out of here.Copy !req
145. All right, all right.
The show's over. Come on.Copy !req
146. Somebody do something!
Marcy's choking!Copy !req
147. - I know the Heimlich maneuver!
- Hey, hey, hey.!Copy !req
148. - All right, break it up, you two!Copy !req
149. Come on, come on,
let her go, let her go!Copy !req
150. You know, I think it's time you two heard
Macafee's speech on teenage sex.Copy !req
151. You two, you're only 16.
You're both still young'uns.Copy !req
152. Way too soon to start your tonguin'.Copy !req
153. - But she can't breathe!
- Just let her rest a little bit.Copy !req
154. Ah, that's it, honey. That's it.
Just take a little rest.Copy !req
155. Once those loins cool down,
you'll be all right.Copy !req
156. Hey, Mr. Macafee,
somebody's smoking in the bathroom!Copy !req
157. Out of my way,
the Mac-man's coming.Copy !req
158. All right, boys, come on.
What's going on in here?Copy !req
159. - Hey.
- Okay, everybody! The coast is clear!Copy !req
160. Let's party!Copy !req
161. Before we vote on
your request for parole...Copy !req
162. we do have some questions.Copy !req
163. Do you think you'll be able to
adjust to life on the outside?Copy !req
164. Allow me to "proctologize" myself.Copy !req
165. "Suppositorily" speaking...Copy !req
166. my incarceration has forced,
you understand...Copy !req
167. the ventilation of,
shall I say, my derriere...Copy !req
168. and upon my discharge,
I will evacuate...Copy !req
169. Excuse me. "Ejacutate"...Copy !req
170. my mind to the prophylactic
of the bowels of society.Copy !req
171. But how would you
support yourself, Mr. Bates...Copy !req
172. considering that
your reading comprehension...Copy !req
173. has gone down every year
since you've been in prison?Copy !req
174. A very "vaginative" proposition, my man.Copy !req
175. That is to say, prostitution...Copy !req
176. pertaining to the Kotex,
you understand, of the argument.Copy !req
177. I myself have "enemapatized"
my "illiquidation,"Copy !req
178. therefore, ergo, i.e.,
that is the instigation...Copy !req
179. which is excessive cleavage,
shall we say.Copy !req
180. So let me "clarifly" or...Copy !req
181. excuse me..."clitify."Copy !req
182. In other words, I'd probably teach.Copy !req
183. All right, if there are no further questions,
let us put this to a vote.Copy !req
184. All those in favor of parole, vote aye.Copy !req
185. Aye.Copy !req
186. All those opposed, vote nay.Copy !req
187. Nay!Copy !req
188. I'm sorry, Mr. Bates.Copy !req
189. Is there anything further
you'd like to say?Copy !req
190. Let me be venereal...Copy !req
191. in my requisition for
this body of congregation...Copy !req
192. see, for the personal
gratification of my urethra.Copy !req
193. As the Greek philosopher,
uh, Massengill once dictated...Copy !req
194. "Lickus my probiscis!"Copy !req
195. "Undouche" me!Copy !req
196. I can find my own damnation
in tardy completion.Copy !req
197. Just like the films
Cry Freedom and A World Apart...Copy !req
198. this is a story about the anguish
and upheaval ofblack South Africa.Copy !req
199. I can remember it
as if it happened yesterday...Copy !req
200. the day they bulldozed down
my maidservant's shack...Copy !req
201. destroyed all ofher property...Copy !req
202. and separated her from her children.Copy !req
203. And all of this on a night that I had
planned a formal dinner for 30.Copy !req
204. Oh, how I cried.Copy !req
205. How many girls would I have to interview
before I'd find anotherJacinta?Copy !req
206. And as they took Jacinta away
kicking and struggling...Copy !req
207. I felt as if the police were pulling me away
kicking and struggling.Copy !req
208. - I haven't done anything.
- I had to do something.Copy !req
209. So I cried, and I took a picture
for my little scrapbook of anguish.Copy !req
210. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
211. After the police had gone...Copy !req
212. I noticed that they had trampled
over a bed of geraniums...Copy !req
213. that I had been pruning
since I was a child.Copy !req
214. I looked down at those flowers...Copy !req
215. and I saw the pain
ofblack South Africa...Copy !req
216. in all of those broken stems
and wounded petals.Copy !req
217. I wept... until I realized
they were perennials...Copy !req
218. and would be back again
next summer.Copy !req
219. Yes, with Jacinta gone,
life just wasn't the same in Johannesburg.Copy !req
220. Oh, did I mention that I wept?Copy !req
221. And as the condition of my house
so deteriorated withoutJacinta...Copy !req
222. I began to understand
what it must be like...Copy !req
223. to live in a black South African
relocation camp.Copy !req
224. Next, as I attempted
to polish my own silver...Copy !req
225. my arms began to ache,
and I could feel what it must be like...Copy !req
226. to toil long, arduous hours...Copy !req
227. in the white South African
diamond mines.Copy !req
228. It was at this point that I decided
thatJacinta simply had to be liberated...Copy !req
229. before my entire household
rotted from within...Copy !req
230. the same way minority rule
was rotting my continent.Copy !req
231. No one could stop me now.Copy !req
232. I would write a letter
to President de Klerk.Copy !req
233. So I wrote and I cried.Copy !req
234. And I cried and I wrote.Copy !req
235. And I wrote and I cried.Copy !req
236. Who knows?
One day I may even mail it.Copy !req
237. My Dark Conscience.Copy !req
238. A true story about the pain
of watching somebody else suffer...Copy !req
239. and wanting to do something about it...Copy !req
240. but not really wanting to get involved...Copy !req
241. and then feeling
a little guilty about it, sort of.Copy !req
242. My Dark Conscience.Copy !req
243. A film that could well be
coming to a theater near you.Copy !req
244. Three famous boxers
for Fruit O' The Loom boxers.Copy !req
245. Hi, Bob.Copy !req
246. Hey, what are you guys doing
in my underwear drawer?Copy !req
247. Who are you guys?Copy !req
248. We're the Fruit O' The Loom boxers,
and we're ecstatic to be here. I'm Mike.Copy !req
249. I'm Sugar Ray.Copy !req
250. And my name is, uh...Copy !req
251. Concentrate.Copy !req
252. No, no, it's shorter than that.Copy !req
253. Ali! My name is Ali!Copy !req
254. I'm an apple because
I was so polished in the ring.Copy !req
255. And I'm a banana because
I was good to a ripe old age.Copy !req
256. Why are you a bunch of grapes?Copy !req
257. Because some bitch
stomped all over me.Copy !req
258. What's so good about
Fruit O' The Loom boxer shorts?Copy !req
259. For one thing, they're made
of double-stitched cotton.Copy !req
260. That way you never have to worry
about bobbing and weaving.Copy !req
261. - Bobbing and weaving?Copy !req
262. Cut it out, Ali.
Stop being ludicrous.Copy !req
263. You're gonna make me forget my lines.Copy !req
264. What are these boxers made of?Copy !req
265. Well, these are
the new Don King brand.Copy !req
266. They're 10 percent cotton,
90 percent commission.Copy !req
267. And they come in several sizes:Copy !req
268. Middleweight, heavyweight,
super heavyweight...Copy !req
269. and George Foreman.Copy !req
270. This is the latest thing:
Disposable shorts.Copy !req
271. We like to call this
our Buster Douglas line.Copy !req
272. They're good only once,
but if you wear them again...Copy !req
273. they fall down after 10 seconds.Copy !req
274. Okay. I'll try these boxer shorts.Copy !req
275. Bye, Bob!Copy !req
276. Hey, guys...Copy !req
277. will the ladies like me better
in my Fruit O' The Loom?Copy !req
278. The ladies will think
you're sweet as sugar.Copy !req
279. The girls will think you're
the greatest of all times.Copy !req
280. Oh, sure,
they'll love you, Bob.Copy !req
281. They'll love you till you
get a ring on their finger.Copy !req
282. And then, then...Copy !req
283. Then they'll bring their mothers around
and try to take all your money from you.Copy !req
284. And they get madjust because you throw
a few chairs and break some dishes.Copy !req
285. Hey, wait a minute!
I'm not finished, Bob!Copy !req
286. Then they'll divorce you, and then
you'll have the worst fight of your life.Copy !req
287. You know, I won that fight.
I hit him with an uppercut...Copy !req
288. Fruit O' The Loom boxers.Copy !req
289. Get some today
and stop being ludicrous.Copy !req
290. All right. Thank you
for hanging out with us.Copy !req
291. - Tell 'em what to do, man.
- See you next week!Copy !req
292. See you next week.Copy !req