1. Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
3. Um, they left again.Copy !req
4. Get back here.
Come here.Copy !req
5. The Fly Girls,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
6. How about a hand
for my deejay, SW1?Copy !req
7. All right. Well, once again,
it's our turn to make you laugh...Copy !req
8. so sit back
for about a half.Copy !req
9. We'll get into trouble.
See ya.Copy !req
10. Commissioner, why did Arizona say no
to the Martin Luther King holiday?Copy !req
11. Well, uh, as you know...Copy !req
12. we put it to the voters...Copy !req
13. and they voted it down, uh,
50% to 49%.Copy !req
14. - Will the Super Bowl be held here?
- And what about the Fiesta Bowl?Copy !req
15. Isn't it true Arizona faces a total boycott
of black athletes and celebrities?Copy !req
16. Why, no, that's not true at all.
As a matter of fact...Copy !req
17. we have two well-known black celebrities
who have agreed to be our spokesmen...Copy !req
18. men who have their finger on the pulse
of the black community.Copy !req
19. I'd like to introduce them now. Here are
Tom and Tom, the Brothers brothers.Copy !req
20. - Yee-haw!
- Yippie-ki-yay!Copy !req
21. - Hey, bro, give me five!
- Uh, that's all I've got.Copy !req
22. I hope you return it!Copy !req
23. Oh, how about
our instruments, eh?Copy !req
24. Thank you, gents.Copy !req
25. - Kick it off, Tom.Copy !req
26. Excuse me. We didn't come here
to see a nightclub act.Copy !req
27. I still wanna know why Arizona
doesn't have a King holiday.Copy !req
28. Well, why should we give
Don King a holiday?Copy !req
29. I mean, he can't even
comb his hair straight!Copy !req
30. That's right. I mean, he's made some great
advancements in the world of boxing, but...Copy !req
31. We're talking about
Martin Luther King.Copy !req
32. - Who?
- Is... Is he any relation...Copy !req
33. to Alan King or Stephen King
or BillieJean King?Copy !req
34. The civil rights leader!Copy !req
35. - Martin...
- King.Copy !req
36. - Ah! Abernathy's friend! Sure, sure!
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
37. Well, he was certainly
a nice gentlemen, but, um...Copy !req
38. I guess just another holiday
would be so inconvenient.Copy !req
39. I mean, the banks would be closed,
you couldn't get your mail. You know.Copy !req
40. Exactly. And I don't think
that's how he would have wanted it.Copy !req
41. - No.
- I mean, l... I've got it.Copy !req
42. I say we celebrate
from midnight to 8:00 a.m.Copy !req
43. I mean, after all, isn't that what
he's famous for... having a dream?Copy !req
44. That's right.
He had a dream.Copy !req
45. Or we could just have a...
a white sale or something.Copy !req
46. - That's a great idea. I'd be there.
- I'm sure you would.Copy !req
47. But don't you think the Arizona voters
were insensitive?Copy !req
48. - Insensitive, my left boot.
- Come on.Copy !req
49. I mean, Arizonians are always looking
for a way to help you out.Copy !req
50. Why, the police pulled us over three times just
to make sure we knew where we were going.Copy !req
51. - That's right.
- They even gave us this
great, big hug around the neck.Copy !req
52. Wouldn't let go.Copy !req
53. I mean, we thought we were gonna die
from all the affection!Copy !req
54. Yeah. You've still got some burns
around your neck from all that affection.Copy !req
55. - So don't give me any of that
doohickey nonsense!
- Tom, watch your mouth.Copy !req
56. - No, I'm tired of this frankenturtle bull dookey.
- Ow!Copy !req
57. I've never heard him talk
like this before.Copy !req
58. - You talk about hospitality.
I'm gonna tell 'em about last night.
- Tell 'em about last night.Copy !req
59. We get home late last night,
and I'll be gosh darned if the Arizonians...Copy !req
60. didn't light a nice, big fire on our lawn
so we could find our keys.Copy !req
61. Yes, they did.Copy !req
62. - Good white!
- Good white, everybody!Copy !req
63. Yee-haw!Copy !req
64. K- Tel presents the man of the Middle East...Copy !req
65. the Elvis of Akaba,
Johnny Abdul.!Copy !req
66. Every amazing hit he's ever sung is now
included in this new dual-album set.Copy !req
67. Unforgettable hits like
"You Ain't Nothin'But A Hostage."Copy !req
68. And if you act now, you'll get
"Kuwait a Minute, Mr. Postman,"Copy !req
69. "Stairway to Mecca,"Beirut Suede Shoes,"
"Heartbreak Hussein,"Copy !req
70. "Papa's Got a Brand New Baghdad,"
"I Left My Hand in San Francisco."Copy !req
71. And who could forget
his beautiful love ballad...Copy !req
72. "Love Me Tender
Or Die Slowly"?Copy !req
73. And, of course,
his biggest hit ever...Copy !req
74. the show-stopping
"Iraq Around the Clock."Copy !req
75. All these hits
and many, many more.Copy !req
76. Send $ 13.95 to...Copy !req
77. Are you ready to rock?Copy !req
78. Except for Vincent Van Gogh.
Isn't that amazing?Copy !req
79. Oh, there are the children
I told you about.Copy !req
80. They are so cute.Copy !req
81. It's gonna be very difficult to decide
which one to adopt, honey.Copy !req
82. - Isn't it, though?
- Come on, Mom and Dad. Let's go.Copy !req
83. Come on, man, I already got my stuff packed.
The car's running. Let's go! Chop, chop.Copy !req
84. Or is it more like a European thing,
you guys... uh, Mama and Papa?Copy !req
85. Or do we have one of those postmodern
child-parent relationships, huh, Ted, Anne?Copy !req
86. - Who are you?
- George is one of our older children.Copy !req
87. - How old is George?
- He's 35.Copy !req
88. - And he'd better start acting his age!
- Yes, Miss Claw.Copy !req
89. You mean he's been waiting
35 years to get adopted?Copy !req
90. You know, some children
are just slower to adopt than others.Copy !req
91. Well, you know, I've been waiting
for the right parents... you.Copy !req
92. Look, I'm gonna leave you two here to get
acquainted with the other children, okay?Copy !req
93. - Yeah.
- George, leave the Gleasons alone.Copy !req
94. - Yes, Miss Claw.
- Hey.Copy !req
95. Look at this little guy.
I think he's gonna be a basketball star.Copy !req
96. Slam-dunkin' it!Copy !req
97. Where's your five year old now, man?
You're eaten up, that's where.Copy !req
98. All right. Who's next?
Come on, Pop. One-to-one. Let's go.Copy !req
99. - Uh, George...
- Come on, man.!Copy !req
100. I think we're just gonna take
a little look around, all right?Copy !req
101. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- See... S-See Spot...Copy !req
102. - Here's a smart little guy.
He's already learning to read.
- Yeah.Copy !req
103. "He slowly moved his hand
down her thigh.Copy !req
104. She quivered in ecstasy."Copy !req
105. S-See Spot r-r...Copy !req
106. I think the word that the little genius
is looking for is "run"!Copy !req
107. - Honey, think of how much we could teach him.
- Yeah.Copy !req
108. Man, you can teach me.
Come on.Copy !req
109. "A,"B," uh, "D"...Copy !req
110. - Come on, man, help me out.
I don't know what's next.
- George, George...Copy !req
111. it's obvious that you're
a very talented man.Copy !req
112. - Gifted, even.
- Thank you.Copy !req
113. But, you see,
we want to adopt a child...Copy !req
114. - someone who will do all the
little things a child can do.Copy !req
115. Oh, honey.
Let's adopt a baby.Copy !req
116. Look, she's drooling.
That's so adorable.Copy !req
117. Adorable?
What, you think drooling is adorable?Copy !req
118. - You're gonna love this.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
119. Uh-oh, I think someone
just had a little accident.Copy !req
120. - Dad, I think I'm gonna have to...
- Don't even think about it!Copy !req
121. Stand up.Copy !req
122. What do you want from us?Copy !req
123. I... I just wanna...Copy !req
124. have what
everybody else had...Copy !req
125. a mommy and a daddy
who'll love them.Copy !req
126. And just a small chance...Copy !req
127. for the happiness
I never knew.Copy !req
128. Yale School of Drama, 1978.Copy !req
129. - You're a lunatic.
- You know, it's funny.
My ex-wife once said that too.Copy !req
130. - Your ex-wife?
- That's it! We're taking this one.Copy !req
131. - Let's go.
- Don't try to follow us, George.Copy !req
132. There they are.Copy !req
133. - George, stay away from the Ericksons.
- Yes, Miss Claw.Copy !req
134. Mom! Dad!
Or is it kind of like a street thing?Copy !req
135. Yo, Mom! Yo, Pop!
What's up?Copy !req
136. Boy-ee!Copy !req
137. Love ya.Copy !req
138. Hi. You must be
Velma Mulholland.Copy !req
139. That's right, kid.
Got a cigarette, Johnny?Copy !req
140. No, I don't smoke.
Sorry.Copy !req
141. Stick around, bright boy.
I'll teach ya a few things.Copy !req
142. Oh, really? Well, uh, listen,
my name is actually Eddie.Copy !req
143. Eddie, Johnny,
kid, bright boy...Copy !req
144. It's a big world out there.
What's in a name?Copy !req
145. That's hip.
Um...Copy !req
146. Listen, my man Steve
told me a lot about you.Copy !req
147. Said you're a party girl
and you're kind of old-fashioned.Copy !req
148. Lies, all lies,
I tell you.Copy !req
149. Sure, maybe I hung with the wrong crowd and
skipped Sunday school, but I'm not all bad.Copy !req
150. No. He said good things
about you. He said that...Copy !req
151. you know, besides you lookin' good,
he said that, you know...Copy !req
152. you worked at the five and 10, got a jobsky
and, you know, you like old movies.Copy !req
153. Sure, I see a picture show
now and again.Copy !req
154. It helps to pass the time when your heart's
been broken in so many pieces...Copy !req
155. it feels as though you'll never
see the light of day.Copy !req
156. Hey, uh, why don't we just
talk all this over over dinner...Copy !req
157. and some movies
or something?Copy !req
158. - Aw, Johnny, you're a sweet kid.
- I am?Copy !req
159. But don't you see?
It'd never work.Copy !req
160. I'm no good for ya, Johnny. I'd be trouble from
the word go. Hell, my middle name is trouble.Copy !req
161. But not you, Johnny.
You've got a shot at something really big.Copy !req
162. You're gonna make
something of yourself.Copy !req
163. I'm gonna be somebody?Copy !req
164. Johnny, don't you see?
We're from two different worlds.Copy !req
165. You're real top-drawer,
head of the list, cream of the crop.Copy !req
166. I'm nothing but a washed-up has-been
workin' in a dime-a-dance saloon.Copy !req
167. Steve said you worked
at the five and 10.Copy !req
168. Five and 10,
dime-a-dance.Copy !req
169. Can't ya see, Johnny, I'm trying to knock
some sense into that lunkhead of yours.Copy !req
170. I'm no good for you.
No good, I tell you.Copy !req
171. Oh, Johnny, you deserve that stone cottage
with the picket fence and the shady oak tree.Copy !req
172. If you stick around with me, kid, they'll
ruin your life just like they've ruined mine.Copy !req
173. Hey, look, is it
the black-and-white thing?Copy !req
174. - Because you should've said that up front.
- All right, Johnny.Copy !req
175. You've forced me to say it.Copy !req
176. I hate you.Copy !req
177. You hear me? I hate you.
I hate you! I despise you!Copy !req
178. If I never see that puppy dog face
around here again, it'll be too soon.Copy !req
179. Now beat it.
Scram!Copy !req
180. I'd better get out of here, 'cause you can't
be hittin' a brother like that.Copy !req
181. Johnny!Copy !req
182. Johnny!Copy !req
183. That's right, Johnny.Copy !req
184. Save yourself.Copy !req
185. Run just as fast
as your legs will carry you.Copy !req
186. Run to the ends of the earth if you have to,
only don't look back...Copy !req
187. because I won't be here.Copy !req
188. But I love you,
ya big palooka!Copy !req
189. Here we are.
Funky Finger Productions.Copy !req
190. We are now in business.Copy !req
191. - Hello.
- Oh. L-Look busy.Copy !req
192. - Okay.
- Conference call.Copy !req
193. Now, don't
get me wrong, now.Copy !req
194. Nell Carter is a gigantic talent.
Humongous.Copy !req
195. But look here.
What we're looking for, home skillet...Copy !req
196. is somebody who looks
like Cicely Tyson...Copy !req
197. and sings like Peabo Bryson,
ya know?Copy !req
198. Quincy, Stop playin'.
Fresh Prince is gonna be all right.Copy !req
199. This here's long-distance.Copy !req
200. I'm here
to hook up your phones.Copy !req
201. Now, ain't that a blip?Copy !req
202. Excuse me. I thought
we had a bad connection.Copy !req
203. Finally, I found you!Copy !req
204. Ah, Mr. Iritani.
Look here.Copy !req
205. I'm Clavell,
and this here's my partner.Copy !req
206. Howard Tibbs III.
How you feelin'?Copy !req
207. - Look just like Al Green.
- Don't he?Copy !req
208. And we are Funky Finger Productions!Copy !req
209. Now look here. Let me give you
one of my business cards.Copy !req
210. You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard?Copy !req
211. Bam!Copy !req
212. Look here.
Pay no attention to this...Copy !req
213. because that's my mother's
recipe for succotash, all right?Copy !req
214. This is my sister Clorine's number
on the back in pink crayon.Copy !req
215. Okay? Give her a call anytime.
She down with it.Copy !req
216. But look here, if her boyfriend Beaudrow
answers, you just better hang up.Copy !req
217. Listen, guys.
I want my car.Copy !req
218. Now, look here. You seemed a little
attitudinal with our unctuous behavior...Copy !req
219. when you met us
outside of Spago's last night.Copy !req
220. Now, dig that. But that valet gig
is just a way for us to spot new talent.Copy !req
221. That's right. You know,
I didn't want to bring this up, chief...Copy !req
222. but you forgot to tip me,
ya know?Copy !req
223. A tip? You gave me the keys
to the wrong car.Copy !req
224. Look, I just came here to get my Mercedes,
and I want it now.Copy !req
225. Now, we know you Japanese
bought up Columbia and Universal...Copy !req
226. And it's not that we ain't down with
the Asians. "Arigate."Copy !req
227. But we figured it was only a matter of time
before y'all came after Funky Finger.Copy !req
228. - Dig that.
- I thought I explained to you last night...Copy !req
229. that I'm not
in show business.Copy !req
230. Well, that ain't nothing but a meatball.
Excuse me.Copy !req
231. 'Cause we got a sweet deal for you.
You won't believe this.Copy !req
232. Sit down, brother. Howard, it's time
to unveil our marketing plan.Copy !req
233. Bam!Copy !req
234. All right, now.
Now, say we sign a major artist...Copy !req
235. like a, uh,
Freddy Fender.Copy !req
236. Okay?
Sign him for a record deal.Copy !req
237. - For how much?
- A ducat.Copy !req
238. Sell every record
for how much?Copy !req
239. A million records,
that makes a million ducats.Copy !req
240. Say what?Copy !req
241. Freddy Fender's right on top with
David Cassidy. You hear what I'm saying?Copy !req
242. - Look, I'm not interested in record deals.
- Movie deal!Copy !req
243. - I just want my car!
- Movies. See?Copy !req
244. Now, look here, homey.
What we got here...Copy !req
245. is a sure-fire
box office smash-ola.Copy !req
246. Now, see, it's a cross between
The Poseidon Adventure and Dirty Dancing.Copy !req
247. See, we think the time is right
for a, uh, water ballet disaster film.Copy !req
248. Clavey, give him the goods,
could ya?Copy !req
249. I'm just gonna give him a taste.
Gotta pay for the rest.Copy !req
250. Oh, you're gonna
leave me hangin'.Copy !req
251. Ain't that right?Copy !req
252. Okay. We're rollin', homey.
Oh, no! It's a tidal wave!Copy !req
253. Come on, now. Pull back.
See? There it goes!Copy !req
254. There it goes. See?Copy !req
255. I'm drowning, but I'm dancing. Look here.
I'm drowning, but I'm dancing.Copy !req
256. Look at this here.Copy !req
257. I'm drownin', but I'm dancin'.
I'm drownin'.Copy !req
258. - He's sellin'this one, chief.
- I'm dancin'!Copy !req
259. And Godzilla can be
implemented quite easily...Copy !req
260. - as you can see.
- I knew you'd love that.Copy !req
261. Your five minutes is up.Copy !req
262. I just want my car,
or I'll call the police.Copy !req
263. - Hey, you ain't gotta do that!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Look here!Copy !req
264. We got the contracts in our Pinto,
right next to the Cheez Doodles.Copy !req
265. Look here. Shall we give Bruce Lee
a little taste on the sound track?Copy !req
266. Just a little tiny bit.Copy !req
267. Temptations walk.Copy !req
268. Get it.
Drop down in the pocket.Copy !req
269. And this one's
for free, homey.Copy !req
270. Blood pressure's stable
at 120 over 70.Copy !req
271. Doc! How's my partner?
Is he gonna pull through?Copy !req
272. He's in pretty bad shape.
Take a look for yourself.Copy !req
273. Oh, my God!Copy !req
274. Look... Look, Doc...Copy !req
275. do whatever you gotta do, man,
but please make him whole again!Copy !req
276. - We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
- Thank God.Copy !req
277. It's gonna cost you
six million dollars.Copy !req
278. Six million dollars? The department
doesn't have that kind of money!Copy !req
279. - Fifteen thousand.
- Look.Copy !req
280. I got um,
19, 20, 21, 22...Copy !req
281. 25, 28, um, 45.Copy !req
282. All right?
That's 28.45.Copy !req
283. I can't promise anything,
but we'll try.Copy !req
284. He'll be a lot shorter
and a little slower...Copy !req
285. - but at least he'll be alive.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
286. We gotta get you
out of here.Copy !req
287. Hang in there, partner.Copy !req
288. Coming this spring
to a theater near you...Copy !req
289. The Head
always gets his man.!Copy !req
290. Let's just forget it, man.
He's too far away. We'll never catch him.Copy !req
291. - Throw me at him.
- What?Copy !req
292. Just throw me at him.
I can do it.Copy !req
293. - No way, man. Too dangerous.
- Just do it!Copy !req
294. Aah!
Watch my brain!Copy !req
295. - Way to go, Head.!
- Freeze, slimeball!Copy !req
296. Don't make me chase you
any further.Copy !req
297. And women find him irresistible.Copy !req
298. Yes! You've got incredible hands
and feet, you animal, you.Copy !req
299. Oh, Detective Head...Copy !req
300. I never dreamed
it could be like this.Copy !req
301. Well, you know what they say, baby...
It's not what a man's got...Copy !req
302. it's how he uses it
that counts.Copy !req
303. - Stop tickling my feet.Copy !req
304. The Head Detective.Copy !req
305. Coming this spring
to a theater near you.Copy !req
306. Thank you for hanging out
one more time.Copy !req
307. Taking us home tonight,
Motown recording artist Rich Nice.Copy !req
308. Oh, yeah.
Here we go. Come on.Copy !req
309. Clap your hands. Everybody.
Come on, clap.Copy !req
310. Clap your hands like this.
All the ladies check it out.Copy !req
311. You know what?Copy !req
312. All the ladies in the house tonight,
check this out. Come on.Copy !req
313. - All the ladies say, "Ow."
- Ow!Copy !req
314. Say, "Ow, ow."Copy !req
315. - Everybody say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!Copy !req
316. - Say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!Copy !req
317. - Say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!Copy !req
318. - Now, scream!Copy !req
319. Just wave them hands like this. Everybody.
Come on. Wave them hands.Copy !req
320. That's right. Come on.
Just wave them hands.Copy !req
321. Everybody, let me hear you say,
"We came to the party."Copy !req
322. - We came to the party.
- Check it out.Copy !req
323. For In Living Color,
we gonna break it down like this.Copy !req
324. We go one, you go two.
Check it out.Copy !req
325. One, two, three...
Break it down.Copy !req
326. Oh, yeah. Check it out.
Everybody in the house...Copy !req
327. let me hear you say,
"In Living Color."Copy !req
328. In Living Color.Copy !req
329. Everybody say,
"In Living Color." Come on!Copy !req
330. In Living Color.Copy !req
331. Come on, clap.
Clap your hands. Come on.Copy !req
332. Come on, clap. Clap your hands.
Everybody say...Copy !req