1. Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. My new look. Huh?Copy !req
3. A little something.
A little something, new jacket there.Copy !req
4. How's everybody doing?
Good to have you all here.Copy !req
5. - Thank you.Copy !req
6. You know the rules.
You sit back, you laugh, we do the rest.Copy !req
7. We'll be back in a minute.
Shawn, get it going.Copy !req
8. All these guys are bums.Copy !req
9. He'll wanna feel you out,
see what you got.Copy !req
10. He's got just one thing on his mind.Copy !req
11. He's gonna wanna put you
on your back right away.Copy !req
12. That's right. So what I want you to do...Copy !req
13. is when you're both in close
and you're hot and sweaty...Copy !req
14. I want you to throw it in his third rib.Copy !req
15. You push that in there, it pushes all the bile
out of the body right onto the floor.Copy !req
16. But, Dads, it's just a date.
Do I have to wear these gloves?Copy !req
17. Oh, darlin', but it goes so nice
with the mouthpiece we got you.Copy !req
18. At first,
there was Three Champs and a Baby.Copy !req
19. Now, Touch-tone Pictures presents:Copy !req
20. Now, remember, no contact below the belt.Copy !req
21. That's right.
Let's get these up there.Copy !req
22. - Oh, Dad.
- Now, do you remember what I told ya?Copy !req
23. - No, Dad.
- Well, neither do I...Copy !req
24. but just in case...Copy !req
25. He may be pretty. He may have zits.Copy !req
26. Whatever you do, don't let him touch, uh...Copy !req
27. like a bee.Copy !req
28. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
29. You know, you look pretty ecstatic, darlin'.Copy !req
30. Thanks.
Oh, I think I might need some money, Dad.Copy !req
31. Oh, that's fine.
All pretty girls need money.Copy !req
32. How much you need, darlin'?
10, 20, 30,000?Copy !req
33. - Here. Take it all. Here. Take the watch.
- Oh.Copy !req
34. Take the deed to the house. Take it all.
Just get your baldheaded mother
away from me!Copy !req
35. - Mike! Mike!
- Michael! Michael!Copy !req
36. - It's over now.
- Ohhh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
37. I had a lithium flashback. I'm all right.Copy !req
38. - It's okay, Dad.
- No, darlin'. That was pretty ludicrous.Copy !req
39. Hey, "ludicrous."
That's a pretty big word.Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. I remember the first time I fell in love.Copy !req
42. It was right after a big fight.Copy !req
43. I looked down and saw one of
the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen,
and it winked at me.Copy !req
44. Then I picked it up
and put it back in its socket.Copy !req
45. Hey. You know, I remember my first date.Copy !req
46. - You do?
- No, I don't.Copy !req
47. Well, anyway, darlin', just remember...Copy !req
48. if you have any problems, just call the house.Copy !req
49. I'll hop in the Mercedes. I'll drive right...Copy !req
50. - No!
- No! No, no!Copy !req
51. - Dad! Doorbell.Copy !req
52. That's pretty funny, Ali.
Pretty funny.Copy !req
53. Dad, Dad, Dad...Copy !req
54. this is my date,
Gerry Cooney, Jr.Copy !req
55. Yeah. How you doing, kid?Copy !req
56. - Oh, geez!
- Like father, like son.Copy !req
57. - Gerry Cooney.
- Easy, easy, easy.Copy !req
58. Easy. Put your arm over here.
Put your arm around him.Copy !req
59. - There you go.
- All right.Copy !req
60. - Good-bye, young people. Have a good time.
- Good-bye, Dads.Copy !req
61. - You kids have fun.
- Okay.Copy !req
62. Have fun.
Say hello to your dad for me.Copy !req
63. Geez. Boy, her first date, guys.Copy !req
64. - Mm.
- I don't know if I'm ecstatic or ludicrous.Copy !req
65. Why don't we just fight another round,
Mike?Copy !req
66. - All right. I tell you what,
you guess who I am this time, all right?
- All right.Copy !req
67. All right. Check it out now.
We're in the second round, all right?Copy !req
68. Hit me with a right hand real soft.
Boom!Copy !req
69. I'm down.
"Hey! Where's my $22 million?"Copy !req
70. - Buster Douglas!
- That's right!Copy !req
71. Three Champs and a Little Lady.Copy !req
72. Coming to a theater near you.Copy !req
73. Hey! Welcome back to the Newlywed Game.Copy !req
74. Biff and Bunny, that last round was incredible.Copy !req
75. Now, it's time to see
how our husbands'answers...Copy !req
76. match up with what their wives have said.Copy !req
77. Couple number three, Phillip and Louise.Copy !req
78. If your wife was a dog, Phil...Copy !req
79. what kind of a dog would she be?Copy !req
80. Well, I'd have to say an Afghan...Copy !req
81. because it's tall, it's regal and it's elegant...Copy !req
82. everything that she is.Copy !req
83. Louise, wanna show us your card?Copy !req
84. She said she would not be a dog.Copy !req
85. Hey, Louise, it's just a game.Copy !req
86. I thought the whole point was to win.Copy !req
87. Well, uh, Phillip, you can play the game...Copy !req
88. but I'm not going to answer a question
that I find degrading.Copy !req
89. I know we've only been married a month,
but I don't think I like you.Copy !req
90. Well, are we having a verbal conflict,
Phillip?Copy !req
91. I know our therapist told us to avoid that.Copy !req
92. Maybe we should just end this marriage
right now.Copy !req
93. - Judges? Judges say, "End the marriage."Copy !req
94. Okay. On to couple number two.Copy !req
95. Biff, what kind of a dog is your wife?Copy !req
96. Well, Bob, I always tell Bunny...Copy !req
97. that's she's just a cute
little fluffy newborn pup...Copy !req
98. with a warm little belly...Copy !req
99. and a sharp, scratchy little tongue...Copy !req
100. and droopy little lovable puppy dog eyes.Copy !req
101. Bunny, show us your card.Copy !req
102. - Hey.! That's a doggone correct answer.Copy !req
103. Which brings us to couple number one,
Fred and Wilma.Copy !req
104. - Guys?
- Yeah.Copy !req
105. Well, Fred, what kind of a four-legged mutt
are you married to?Copy !req
106. Hey, hey, hey.
My wife ain't no mutt, all right?Copy !req
107. - She's more like a pit bull.
- A pit bull?Copy !req
108. Yeah, a pit bull.
Isn't that one of them dogs that, you know...Copy !req
109. clamps onto your behind
and will not let go no matter what?Copy !req
110. - Uh-huh.
- That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
111. - What?
- She said... She said, "The butt."Copy !req
112. - That's from when we...
- That's from before.Copy !req
113. - What kind of a dog is that?
- I said a poodle!Copy !req
114. - Oh.
- A poodle! Remember how you be
saying whenever we make love...Copy !req
115. my head be looking like
a poodle dangling from a dashboard?Copy !req
116. Yeah, but the pit bull clamp.Copy !req
117. - Oh, shut up! You so stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid!
- Bob! Bob!Copy !req
118. Okay, Bunny, what part of your body
reminds Biff of food?Copy !req
119. Well, Bob,
it's funny you should ask that.Copy !req
120. See, Biff puts on these chaps
and he tightens up the saddle...Copy !req
121. and he straps on those spurs...Copy !req
122. - Specifically, Bunny.
- Well, um...Copy !req
123. my face gets all flushed
and my cheeks are like cherries!Copy !req
124. - "Cheeks like cherries."Copy !req
125. Better put him out to stud.Copy !req
126. That's also another correct answer
and 10 big points...Copy !req
127. which brings us back to Fred and Wilma.Copy !req
128. Well, let me tell you something, Bob.Copy !req
129. Missy over here
ain't the only one with cherry cheeks...Copy !req
130. except mine ain't the ones that smilin'.Copy !req
131. Fred, could be your big chance
to get out of the doghouse.Copy !req
132. - "Cottage Cheese Thighs."
- Cottage cheese thighs!Copy !req
133. Cottage cheese thighs. You know,
Bob, she got those big lumps of fat
on the back of her legs.Copy !req
134. - They hunk over...
They overflow over her panty hose.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.Copy !req
135. - I even drew a picture. Check it out.
- That's a good one.Copy !req
136. - Oh, that's it.
- See? That's the fat right there.Copy !req
137. When she walks, it's like dead fish
slapping together. Come on now!Copy !req
138. Well, couple number two?Copy !req
139. Couple number two,
you're our grand prize winner.Copy !req
140. - This is Bob Eubanks...Copy !req
141. and the Newlywed Game.Copy !req
142. And now, live from Cell Block "B"
Prison Cable Network...Copy !req
143. the only TVproduced in prison for prisoners...Copy !req
144. presents the Good Behavior Variety Show!Copy !req
145. So let's give it up for your host...Copy !req
146. serving a life sentence for...Copy !req
147. You name it, he's done it.Copy !req
148. - Here's Angel.!Copy !req
149. Hey, hey!Copy !req
150. All right, all right. Let's give a hand
to the Prison Cable Network Band! Come on!Copy !req
151. All right, all right.Copy !req
152. I wanna tell everybody,
it's so good to be here, you know what I mean?Copy !req
153. Well, not good to be here,
but good to be here. You know what I'm saying!Copy !req
154. I know you guys are looking at me
and probably thinking...Copy !req
155. "Hey, this guy's a kidnapping, car-stealing,
gun-toting killer from Oakland, huh?"Copy !req
156. Well, I'm not, all right?
I'm from San Francisco, huh?Copy !req
157. Okay, okay.
Okay, for our first act tonight, all right...Copy !req
158. This guy is my home slice, man.Copy !req
159. I like to call him Poquito.
You can call him Tiny, man.Copy !req
160. He's gonna be doing a scene
from the Wizard of Oz, man. That's right.Copy !req
161. And performing with him
is Miss Debbie Walsh.Copy !req
162. Yeah, she's a volunteer in the infirmary.
Check it out. This is gonna be hot.Copy !req
163. It's gonna be cooking.Copy !req
164. Oil can. Oil can.Copy !req
165. Mm! Mm. Goodness.
I can talk again.Copy !req
166. Good, Tin Woodsman.Copy !req
167. Uh, look here.
Oil me some more, Dorothy.Copy !req
168. Did that hurt?Copy !req
169. Nah. That felt good.Copy !req
170. I ain't been able to move my mouth in ages.Copy !req
171. I just scared I ain't go no heart.Copy !req
172. Well, we were all wondering if you'd
like to come to the Emerald City with us...Copy !req
173. and see if the Wizard of Oz
would give you a heart.Copy !req
174. You look good, Dorothy.Copy !req
175. He's gonna give the scarecrow a brain.Copy !req
176. You smell good too, baby.Copy !req
177. Tiny, that's not in the script.Copy !req
178. Your breastesses look so nice and round.Copy !req
179. Look here! I got to have you, baby!Copy !req
180. Hey, hey!Copy !req
181. All right. I guess we all can identify
with that performance, huh?Copy !req
182. Now, you all are gonna dig this next act, okay?Copy !req
183. He killed at the Apollo.
He killed at the Comedy Store.Copy !req
184. He killed at the 7-11... that's why
they brought him down here to Death Row.Copy !req
185. - Let's give it up for the Death Row Comic.
Come on!Copy !req
186. Thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
187. Yeah. Really good to be here.Copy !req
188. So, is this thing on?Copy !req
189. Hey! Take my life, please.Copy !req
190. Yeah. I just stabbed a guard 57 times...Copy !req
191. and boy are my arms tired.Copy !req
192. Hey! What do you say, folks?Copy !req
193. You know,
I was always the cut up in the family.Copy !req
194. Matter of fact, I cut up my family!Copy !req
195. You know, my next appearance, the warden
guaranteed me the best seat in the house.Copy !req
196. I told him, hey,
I'll give an electrifying performance.Copy !req
197. Look, folks, I'm dying up here.Copy !req
198. Hey. Dig. I love making people laugh.Copy !req
199. But, see, the key to my jokes
is not in the delivery.Copy !req
200. It's in the execution.Copy !req
201. All right. It's time.Copy !req
202. Um, anybody heard from the governor?Copy !req
203. Just kidding, y'all.Copy !req
204. Good night.Copy !req
205. I know there's one guy
who hopes we blow a fuse tonight,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
206. All right.
This next act you gonna love, all right?Copy !req
207. His last assistant he sawed in half
and got 25-to-life, man.Copy !req
208. Eeeh.Copy !req
209. Let's give it up for the magic
of Charlie Magic. Come on!Copy !req
210. Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!Copy !req
211. Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!Copy !req
212. Good evening, gentlemen.
I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
213. Hell! I'm right inside your heads!Copy !req
214. Tonight I'm gonna do
a little disappearing act for you.Copy !req
215. Like to introduce you
to my beautiful assistant Frank.Copy !req
216. He's looking especially lovely tonight.Copy !req
217. Frank's gonna step inside this box now
and disappear.Copy !req
218. And don't think I won't miss him...Copy !req
219. 'cause he cost me a whole carton of smokes!Copy !req
220. Okay. Now we say the magic words...Copy !req
221. and tap the box twice with the magic wand.Copy !req
222. Guards to the left of me. Guards to the right.Copy !req
223. The guard in the tower is sleeping tonight.Copy !req
224. Helto-Skelto.Copy !req
225. Alakazam!Copy !req
226. Do the dance of doom and presto...Copy !req
227. Frank's gone, man!Copy !req
228. - Hee-hee-hee!Copy !req
229. Oh, man.Copy !req
230. Now I'm gonna make Bill here disappear.Copy !req
231. Thank you, Bill.Copy !req
232. - Now I'm gonna make Stu disappear.Copy !req
233. All right. And here comes Mike.
Nice knowing you, man.Copy !req
234. This is the warden.
Bring 'em back now, Charlie.Copy !req
235. Sorry, man.
I don't know how to do that!Copy !req
236. - Everyone back
in your cells immediately.Copy !req
237. This is a lockdown.Copy !req
238. Well, that looks like our show tonight.Copy !req
239. All right, everybody. I can't wait
to see you on the outside! Adios!Copy !req
240. Good evening...Copy !req
241. and welcome to
theJustice Legions of America.Copy !req
242. As you all know...Copy !req
243. theJustice Legion recently settled
an affirmative-action suit...Copy !req
244. brought against it by the United States.Copy !req
245. - Apparently...Copy !req
246. it was felt that the Legion's membership
has shown a discriminatory preference...Copy !req
247. for white men
and incredibly beautiful white women.Copy !req
248. As part of our settlement...Copy !req
249. without denying or admitting our guilt...Copy !req
250. I'd now like to present our newest members.Copy !req
251. Please welcome our firstJewish superhero...Copy !req
252. Beardman!Copy !req
253. Tchaiko the Human Computer...Copy !req
254. our first Oriental.Copy !req
255. And, of course, the woman
who originally brought the suit against us...Copy !req
256. Angrywoman, the world's only
black feminist lesbian superhero.Copy !req
257. And last but not least...Copy !req
258. let's give a warm Justice League welcome...Copy !req
259. for the newest handicapped superhero...Copy !req
260. Handi Man!Copy !req
261. Thank you.Copy !req
262. I'm a man of few words.Copy !req
263. And I'd like to say to all those...Copy !req
264. who never believed
in the power of the handicapped...Copy !req
265. "There's a new sheriff in town
and this is his badge."Copy !req
266. Look! Up in the sky!Copy !req
267. It's a bird! It's a plane!Copy !req
268. It's a giant handicapped sign.!Copy !req
269. Listen. I'd love to stay and chat...Copy !req
270. but there's someone who needs my help.Copy !req
271. I'll be back.Copy !req
272. Up, up and away!Copy !req
273. Thank God you heard my call!Copy !req
274. Have no fear, Handi Man is here.Copy !req
275. Good. I gotta go bad.Copy !req
276. This guy's been in the stall for over
an hour and a half. He's not even disabled!Copy !req
277. Say no more. Wheel back.Copy !req
278. Something tells me this ain't gonna be pretty.Copy !req
279. Hey! What the... Hey!Copy !req
280. Come on outta the stall before there's trouble.Copy !req
281. I ain't leaving.Copy !req
282. Uh-oh. Looks like someone's
about to join the ranks of the disabled.Copy !req
283. Let's get busy!Copy !req
284. A cool drink of water
oughta calm you down.Copy !req
285. - Now get out of here!Copy !req
286. I'm sorry, Handi Man! I'm sorry.Copy !req
287. Oh! Oh, no! I didn't do anything. I'm sorry.Copy !req
288. You saved the day!Copy !req
289. The physically challenged
have been needing a hero, and you're it!Copy !req
290. Thank you, Handi Man!Copy !req
291. That's okay, son. And remember...Copy !req
292. never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.Copy !req
293. Up, up and away!Copy !req
294. Thank God we have Handi Man to count on!Copy !req
295. The Adventures of Handi Man!Copy !req
296. - Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
297. We're gonna see you again
next Sunday... 8:00, Fox.Copy !req
298. Until then, we gonna go home tonight...Copy !req
299. Until then, we gonna go home tonight...Copy !req
300. with the first female
on the notorious DefJam label...Copy !req
301. give it up for Nikki D.Copy !req
302. That's what I'm talking about.
Come on, y'all.Copy !req
303. It's the end of the show.
You might as well have a good time.Copy !req
304. You know, they all worked it. You got
the Fly Girls, the whole In Living Color posse.Copy !req
305. And we're gonna take you home.
We're gonna take you out like this:Copy !req