1. Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.Copy !req
2. Thank you.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
3. Well, once again, me and my crew
come here to do our thing.Copy !req
4. Glad you could join us.
Sit back. Have some fun.Copy !req
5. Shawn, set it off.Copy !req
6. - All right, pal.
- Wow.Copy !req
7. - Great place.
- Food looks great too.Copy !req
8. Love the ambience.Copy !req
9. Man, they always give
this table to the brothers.Copy !req
10. - Great.
- How'd they know we were related?Copy !req
11. Oh, well, you know, Tom.
Everybody knows the Brothers Brothers.Copy !req
12. We're celebrities, gosh darn it.Copy !req
13. I mean, why do you think they always
put us in the back by the kitchen?Copy !req
14. - Oh.
- So people won't mob us.Copy !req
15. - Oh, is that it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
16. Wow. Those must be our dates.Copy !req
17. - Yes.
- One of'em's a great looker.Copy !req
18. I know, but look
at the other one. Eww.Copy !req
19. - Hi, I'm Theresa.
- Hi, I'm Pam.Copy !req
20. - Hi. How are you?
- Hi, Pam.Copy !req
21. - You must be the Toms.
- Yeah, that we are.Copy !req
22. - Toms. Have a seat.
- Have a seat.Copy !req
23. - Oh, thanks.
- Careful.Copy !req
24. - You okay? Watch your legs.Copy !req
25. So, what do you gals do
for a living?Copy !req
26. - Well, I'm a hand model.
- No!Copy !req
27. - Yeah!
- Oh, great.Copy !req
28. I'm in my third year
of medical school.Copy !req
29. When I graduate, I plan on
opening a clinic in the inner city.Copy !req
30. Wow. A hand model.Copy !req
31. - Yeah. Look at this.
- Wow.Copy !req
32. - Whoa-hoa! Boy.
- How do you do that?Copy !req
33. Well, it's pretty tricky,
but I studied.Copy !req
34. - Look like an "A" student to me, wouldn't you say?
- Thanks.Copy !req
35. Tom! "California Girls," man,
our favorite song!Copy !req
36. Hey, it's my favorite song too!Copy !req
37. - No.
- Yes!Copy !req
38. Let's go out there
and dance our boogie-woogie stuff...Copy !req
39. on the dance floor
with the get-down baby!Copy !req
40. - Watch yourself. Watch yourself.
- Oh! How can I watch myself?Copy !req
41. I'll watch you for you.Copy !req
42. He's so much hipper
than I am.Copy !req
43. Just look at him go.
Go, Tom.Copy !req
44. Tom, go under.Copy !req
45. Look at those moves.
Don't you just love this song?Copy !req
46. Huh, actually, I prefer rap.Copy !req
47. I like the political statement it makes.Copy !req
48. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you know, that,
I think, is very important.Copy !req
49. - Yeah.
- I mean, that's why I like "Don't Worry, Be Happy,"Copy !req
50. - because it has a very powerful message.
- Yeah.Copy !req
51. Well, I suppose.Copy !req
52. - Oh, you're so...
- Whoo!Copy !req
53. - That was great.
- Watch yourself.Copy !req
54. - Okay!
- That was great, Tom.Copy !req
55. - Hey, Tom, you'll never guess, man.
- What?Copy !req
56. - Marcia's her favorite Brady too!
- Get outta here!Copy !req
57. Remember this one?
"Oh, my nose!"Copy !req
58. - "Marcia Bumps Her Nose," 1972!
I remember that.
- Yes!Copy !req
59. - I got one.! I got one.!
- What?Copy !req
60. - I love Patty Duke!
- Okay. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
61. - How about this one?
- All right. Go.Copy !req
62. - Don't remember that?
- Would you like to order?Copy !req
63. What's that?Copy !req
64. Oh, it's the theme from TheJeffersons.
You don't remember that?Copy !req
65. - Thomas Jefferson had a series?
- No.Copy !req
66. No, it was about
a successful black businessman...Copy !req
67. who moved to
the East Side of New York.Copy !req
68. - That's not gonna last long at all.
- There goes the neighborhood.Copy !req
69. Hey, I've got a great idea.Copy !req
70. - What?
- Let's all dance!Copy !req
71. Wow! You're just so smart!Copy !req
72. - Come on.
- Wow!Copy !req
73. - Race ya.
- I know. Let's do the bunny hop.Copy !req
74. I love the bunny hop.!Copy !req
75. Hey, sister,
can I get you anything?Copy !req
76. Yeah, you can tell
those two Toms something from me.Copy !req
77. Oh! Hop! Hop! Hop!Copy !req
78. - Bump! Let's do the bump!
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
79. - Bumping.
- Oh, this is too much for me, Tom.Copy !req
80. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
81. - I feel dizzy.
- You are such a great dancer.Copy !req
82. Thanks.Copy !req
83. - Hey, wait a minute.
- What?Copy !req
84. - Where is Theresa?
- Oh!Copy !req
85. She left. And she said
to tell you two Toms...Copy !req
86. you make Bryant Gumbel
look like Flavor Flav.Copy !req
87. - Wow.
- Who's Flavor Flav?Copy !req
88. I know the guy, and Bryant better
get his teeth fixed, 'cause that's not attractive.Copy !req
89. I gotta tell ya.Copy !req
90. I wouldn't want to look like Flavor Flav,
or be named after him.Copy !req
91. What's he gonna name his kid,
Taste-o Taste-o?Copy !req
92. - You're so witty.
- You make us feel so great.Copy !req
93. - Oh, gosh.
- I don't even know how to say it in words.Copy !req
94. - Well, Tom, I got an idea.
- What is it, Tom?Copy !req
95. - How about we say it in a song?
- You're a smart Tom.Copy !req
96. - Hey, busboy, bring us our instruments.
- Busboy.Copy !req
97. - Wow. Just like an Elvis movie.
- Thanks, boy.Copy !req
98. Over 5,000 inmates are prisoners...Copy !req
99. not only of their cells,
but of illiteracy.Copy !req
100. That's why Barbara Bush
is tearing down those bars...Copy !req
101. with her "Read in Jail'campaign.Copy !req
102. Here's Buddy.
He just, uh, started your program.Copy !req
103. Thanks to your program,
I can read my sentence now.Copy !req
104. "Tri-ple life sen-sentence...Copy !req
105. "with n-n-no hope...Copy !req
106. for parole."Copy !req
107. - Congratulations.
- Well, now, let me introduce you toJohn here.Copy !req
108. You know,
he's a real success story.Copy !req
109. Thank you, Mrs. Bush.Copy !req
110. Before I could read, I was forced to rob
convenience stores for a living.Copy !req
111. But since joining
your literacy program...Copy !req
112. a whole new world has been
opened up to me...Copy !req
113. embezzlement.Copy !req
114. Yeah, we're so proud of him.
And finally here, there's, uh, Oswald.Copy !req
115. He's one of our, uh, most enthusiastic students.Copy !req
116. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
117. The pancreatic philosophy of your book,
you understand...Copy !req
118. has "syphillized" the shaft, you dig?Copy !req
119. And opened my "mucal" membranes,
you understand...Copy !req
120. to a world... oh, yes...Copy !req
121. a world of nocturnal commissions.Copy !req
122. - Warden, may I?
- Guard!Copy !req
123. Run a lockup.Copy !req
124. So, what you're saying
then, Oswald...Copy !req
125. is that the viscous "mammarian" glands...Copy !req
126. - Mm-hmm.
- Which "scrofulate" my work...Copy !req
127. - Right.
- Clearly disembowel the "placentitude"...Copy !req
128. of the very "recticitality"...Copy !req
129. - Uh-huh.
- Of my virtue.Copy !req
130. Ah, exactly. "Pubile."Copy !req
131. - It is the quasi-menstrual...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
132. - Excuse me, Quasimodo...
- Point taken.Copy !req
133. Phlebitis that makes
your book so, uh...Copy !req
134. Clitoric.Copy !req
135. - Oh, yes.
- And reminiscent of the Oedipus...Copy !req
136. or the "Pedipus," depending on
which end is up.Copy !req
137. Uh! I think I'm beginning
to see the light.Copy !req
138. The entire premise
of my book was wrong.Copy !req
139. - Way off.
- Well, I'd better start
on a new version immediately.Copy !req
140. Barbara Bush.
Doing her part in the fight against illiteracy.Copy !req
141. Hey, Evelyn Woods...Copy !req
142. purchase the product
or vacate the premises.Copy !req
143. What are you supposed to be,
a Guardian Angel?Copy !req
144. No, I'm not,
nor do I care to be...Copy !req
145. even if they reconsider
my application.Copy !req
146. - So, uh, who are you?
- My name is Dickie Peterson...Copy !req
147. Cherub ofJustice...Copy !req
148. here to protect and serve!Copy !req
149. So what?Copy !req
150. So get yourself a library card.Copy !req
151. Oh, brother.Copy !req
152. - Situation resolved.Copy !req
153. - Hey, Frank, how's it goin' tonight?
- Hey, Dickie, how you doin'?Copy !req
154. - Pretty good. Pretty good. Sorry I'm late though.
- Good.Copy !req
155. Uh, you don't really have to be
on time, Dickie. You don't really work here.Copy !req
156. Yeah, well, that's no excuse.Copy !req
157. I better put myself on report.Copy !req
158. - Excuse me.
- Dickie, I got a customer here, all right?Copy !req
159. - Come on.
- Okay, Frank. I better check into home base.Copy !req
160. - Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.Copy !req
161. - Come in Gray Squirrel.
- Dickie? Is that you, Dickie?Copy !req
162. Mom, the code name is Woodchuck.
You're supposed to use the code name.Copy !req
163. I don't care
what the code name is.Copy !req
164. It's 4:00 in the morning, and if you don't
get your butt home right now...Copy !req
165. - Maintain radio silence!Copy !req
166. - What's he, one of these Guardian Angels?
- Uh, no.Copy !req
167. No. No, I'm not,
nor do I care to be...Copy !req
168. even if they decide
to return my phone calls.Copy !req
169. Uh, how much
did you say this was?Copy !req
170. - I think it was 79 cents.
- Hmm, I thought it was 89.Copy !req
171. Hold it. I'll be right back.Copy !req
172. Dickie, man, you don't have to...Copy !req
173. Eighty-nine cents.!
Hold that guy.!Copy !req
174. Thanks, Dickie.Copy !req
175. That's what I'm here for, Frank.Copy !req
176. You got away with
your little scam this time.Copy !req
177. Next time you're goin' down.Copy !req
178. Get lost.Copy !req
179. Yo, man! What's up with that?Copy !req
180. - It's okay, Frank. It's okay.
- Yo, man.Copy !req
181. He can run, but he can't hide.Copy !req
182. Someday I'll see him in the street,
and then boom!Copy !req
183. Death touch.Copy !req
184. Hey, was it worth it,
Mr. 10-Cent Discrepancy?Copy !req
185. Dickie, calm down.
You're gonna get in trouble, man.Copy !req
186. - You're my best friend, Frank.
- I am?Copy !req
187. Possibly the closest friend
I've ever had.Copy !req
188. Really?Copy !req
189. You want to terminate
that friendship, Frank?Copy !req
190. Then don't tell me
how to do my job!Copy !req
191. The duties of this trademark yellow beret
must always come first.Copy !req
192. Now if you'll excuse me...Copy !req
193. I'd better give that parking lot
a once-over.Copy !req
194. Frank, you're not gonna believe...Copy !req
195. - what's goin' on on that bench outside!
- What? What?Copy !req
196. - What? What?
- Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.Copy !req
197. - We have a situation here.
- A guy and a girl makin' out, Dickie.Copy !req
198. - What?
- It's just a guy and a girl makin' out.Copy !req
199. - Hey, get your hands off her! And your tongue too!
- Di-Dickie!Copy !req
200. - Man, Dickie.Copy !req
201. - Why don't you just mind your...Copy !req
202. - Dickie, what is wrong with you, man?Copy !req
203. Hey, are you all right, man?Copy !req
204. Crazy chick.Copy !req
205. I had him down on the ground,
and she just started kicking me.Copy !req
206. That's appreciation for ya.Copy !req
207. Man.Copy !req
208. Let me see. It's pretty bad.
Why don't you just go ahead on home, okay?Copy !req
209. - You mean back to the base?
- Yeah, back to home base.Copy !req
210. W-Why don't you get Gray Squirrel
to put something on that.Copy !req
211. All right?Copy !req
212. Okay, Frank.
If that's your preference.Copy !req
213. Looks like everything here is pretty much
under control now anyway.Copy !req
214. Thanks to
the Cherubs ofJustice.Copy !req
215. Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.Copy !req
216. - Situation resolved. I'm comin' home.Copy !req
217. - See you tomorrow night, Frank.
- All right, Dickie. Take it easy, man.Copy !req
218. Uh-oh. Spoke too soon.Copy !req
219. Hey, where do you think you're going
with that shopping cart?Copy !req
220. Dickie, man! Dickie!Copy !req
221. Damn!Copy !req
222. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
223. as you know, we voted
at our September meeting...Copy !req
224. to invite one of the poor unfortunates
from our city streets...Copy !req
225. to join us at
our Thanksgiving luncheon.Copy !req
226. Thank you. It was felt
that his presence here...Copy !req
227. would make us appreciate
the things we have...Copy !req
228. as well as generally make us
feel good for feeding a poor person.Copy !req
229. So, without further ado...Copy !req
230. here now is Anton Jackson.Copy !req
231. Anton?Copy !req
232. I hope I'm not too late.Copy !req
233. The limo dropped me off too soon.Copy !req
234. It had one of them bumpers
you couldn't hang on to.Copy !req
235. That's quite all right, Mr. Jackson.Copy !req
236. We've reserved a place for you.Copy !req
237. Where, o-over there?Copy !req
238. Well, if you like.
Please feel free to pick your seat.Copy !req
239. Oh, thanks. I don't mind if I do.Copy !req
240. These drawers been crawlin' up
my behind all day.Copy !req
241. Oh!Copy !req
242. See here, old chap.Copy !req
243. Wouldn't you like to freshen up
before dinner?Copy !req
244. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, I say.Copy !req
245. Oh, thanks a lot.
I wouldn't want the Lord...Copy !req
246. to see me giving thanks
with this up my nose.Copy !req
247. Hey, could you put that
in your napkin for me?Copy !req
248. Uh, Mr. Jackson, as our guest...Copy !req
249. would you like to say a few words?Copy !req
250. Oh, certainly.
I'd love to impose a toast, if I may.Copy !req
251. There's wine. Drink up.Copy !req
252. May your liquor be cold...Copy !req
253. your women be hot...Copy !req
254. and all your problems
slide off like snot.Copy !req
255. Drink up, man.Copy !req
256. Everybody drink up.Copy !req
257. Mr. Jackson, l...
I wonder if you wouldn't be so kind...Copy !req
258. as to do the honors
with the turkey.Copy !req
259. Hey, I ain't never done nothin'
with no turkey before!Copy !req
260. Who told you that?
Clarence? He's lyin'.Copy !req
261. Okay. Once,
when I was desperate.Copy !req
262. And the turkey kept teasing me,
going, "Gobble, gobble, gobble."Copy !req
263. No, eh, uh... Mr. Jackson, I was simply asking
if you would like to cut the turkey.Copy !req
264. Oh, I might as well.Copy !req
265. I just cut the cheese.Copy !req
266. How about a wing?
Here's a wing for you.Copy !req
267. You can have a wing.Copy !req
268. I bet you like dark meat.Copy !req
269. How about a leg for you?Copy !req
270. Oh, look, the wishbone.Copy !req
271. You feel lucky?Copy !req
272. - Uh...
- Go ahead and take a pull.Copy !req
273. U-Uh, Mr. Jackson, if you'll just
be seated, then I'll serve the turkey.Copy !req
274. Oh, you'll serve the turkey. All right,
then I'll just serve the potatoes, the sweet p...Copy !req
275. Hey, this gravy is cold.Copy !req
276. Oh!Copy !req
277. Where you goin'?
Where you goin', man?Copy !req
278. To the restroom.
I don't...Copy !req
279. - Feel well.
- Where you going?Copy !req
280. No need to go.
I travel with my own facilities.Copy !req
281. - Hey!Copy !req
282. Just put the lid back on.Copy !req
283. What's wrong?Copy !req
284. Look, uh, Miss Mary?Copy !req
285. Hey, what about the honors?Copy !req
286. What about the rest of...Copy !req
287. Hey, I'll see you later, baby.
I got my eye on you.Copy !req
288. All right, fellas, it worked.
Come on in.Copy !req
289. Boo Boo! JoJo! Come on.
Get in here.Copy !req
290. Come on. Everybody, come on.
Come on in.Copy !req
291. Pick a seat. Pick your seat.Copy !req
292. All right. Before we eat,
let's bow our heads and say thanks.Copy !req
293. - Thanks.
- All right. Let's eat.Copy !req
294. I'd like to impose another toast.Copy !req
295. Yeah, this is B.Y.O.B. B...
Bring your own bag, baby.Copy !req
296. May we all be thankful
for what we got.Copy !req
297. And all our problems slide off like snot.Copy !req
298. - Drink up.
- Just like snot.Copy !req
299. All right.Copy !req
300. Thank you.Copy !req
301. We had a lot of fun tonight.Copy !req
302. Takin' us home tonight is a young man
I've had the pleasure of watching grow.Copy !req
303. He used to be a D.J. For B.D.P.,
and now he's now out on his own.Copy !req
304. Shawn, tell 'em who he is.Copy !req
305. Some of them... Some people
call him the TR808. I call him D Nice.Copy !req
306. - Yo, D, drop some funk.Copy !req
307. One, two... Check it out.Copy !req
308. For all of you who don't know
who I am, my name is D Nice.Copy !req
309. You know what I'm sayin'?
And I'm live on In Living Color.Copy !req
310. And I'm gonna
break it down like this.Copy !req