In Living Color 1x8

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Anton gives home-remodeling tips; "President Jesse Jackson" holds a press conference; a domestic dispute at a salon takes its toll on a client; "Joan Embery" shows an endangered species to "Alan Thicke."

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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2. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KEEMY, UH, EBONY, UH, TOWNSEND.

4. UH, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, MAN?

5. WHO'S ASKIN'?

6. FOR ME, DADDY.

7. YOU GOT IT, BABY. DON'T SHAKE IT TOO HARD.

8. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, KEEMY.

9. FOR MY FLY GUY.

10. ALL RIGHT. HELLO. THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE PARTY.

11. I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS. THIS IS IN LIVING COLOR.

12. GOOD TO HAVE Y'ALL HERE TONIGHT. YEAH.

13. LINED UP AS USUAL, SO SIT BACK, RELAX.

14. BEFORE I GET STARTED, SAY HELLO TO MY D.J.-- S.W. ONE.

15.

16. YOU ALL NEED TO STOP THAT, 'CAUSE I GOTTA TAKE HIM HOME LATER...

17. AND HE'S GONNA BE SOUPED UP AND JUST NOT GOOD.

18. SAY HELLO TO THE FLY GIRLS, STARTING OVER HERE WITH DEE,

19. CARRIE ANN, LISA, MICHELLE AND CARI.

20. YEAH.

21. WE'LL BE BACK IN A FEW. YO, BIG HEAD, KICK IT.

22. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

23. JESSE JACKSON.

24. GOOD EVENIN' AND THANK YA,

25. OF THE PRESS,

26. MY FELLOW AMERICANS, BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

27. PRESS CONFERENCE OF MY PRESIDENCY.

28. NOW, FEW PEOPLE THOUGHT EIGHT YEARS AGO...

29. FROM THE CAROLINAS...

30. TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

31. FROM EATIN' IN CHEAP JOINTS TO TALKIN' TO JOINT CHIEFS.

32. FROM NIBBLIN' ON JALAPEÑOS, TO MEETIN' WITH THE FILIPINOS.

33. YEAH.

34. HIP-HOP, YOU DON'T STOP ROCKIN' TO THE BANG, BANG, BOOGIE, THE BEAT.

35. NOW...

36. HAVE DEADLINES, SO I WON'T KEEP YOU.

37. I'LL OPEN THE FLOOR TO QUESTIONS.

38. MR. PRESIDENT!

39. AS THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, DID YOU EVER FEAR AN ATTEMPT ON YOUR LIFE?

40. WELL, MY ADMINISTRATION DID FEAR ASSASSINATION...

41. EITHER BY STRANGULATION, DECAPITATION...

42. OR DRIVIN' THROUGH THE SOUTH WITHOUT IDENTIFICATION.

43. SO, I TOOK SEVERAL PRECAUTIONS TO ENSURE MY SAFETY.

44. OF THE SECURITY.

45. FOR LOANING ME BIG FRUITY AND RAY.

46. I ALSO, AS ALL OF MY PREDECESSORS HAVE,

47. AS A VICE PRESIDENT.

48. - NEXT. - UH, MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY...

49. IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF YOUR EIGHT YEARS IN OFFICE?

50. WELL, MY ADMINISTRATION...

51. FOR MUCH, MUCH LEGISLATION,

52. A LOT OF PERSPIRATION.

53. BUT THE ONE ACT THAT I FEEL MOST PROUD OF...

54. IS THE JACKSON LIMITATION ACT.

55. AS ALL OF YOU KNOW, THAT IS THE BILL THAT BANS ALL PERFORMANCES...

56. BY LATOYA OR TITO JACKSON.

57. MR. PRESIDENT.

58. BROTHER PRESIDENT. YES, CALL ME JESSE.

59. ALL OF YOUR PROMISES TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

60. WELL, I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE TRIED...

61. AND DO FEEL THAT I HAVE...

62. TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

63. WHICH IS TO KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

64. ON THAT, PLEASE?

65. YES, I CAN. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

66. AS YOU CAN SEE, AHH!

67. HAS BEEN FROZEN SOLID.

68. THAT HE CAN BE KEPT ALIVE...

69. FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 100 YEARS.

70. THAT IS ALL THE TIME I HAVE, SO I ASK THAT YOU WILL, PLEASE,

71. ONE LAST TIME, JOIN HANDS WITH ME AND SAY, "KEEP HOPE ALIVE."

72. KEEP HOPE ALIVE! KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

73. WITH MORE SCATS THAN ELLA, MORE RIFFS THAN LUTHER.

74. MORE VOCAL GIMMICKS THAN ANY OTHER SINGERS IN HISTORY.

75. THEY'RE THE KING AND QUEEN OF MAX STOP MUSIC— CEPHUS AND REESIE MAYWEATHER.

76. THAT'S A LITTLE BITTY WEASEL. ♪ LITTLE BITTY WEASEL ♪

77. AND WHAT THEY DONE DID? ♪ THAT WEASEL HE STOPPED HIS GRINNIN' ♪

78. HERE WE GO!

79. BEFORE THE CROWNED HEADS OF NEBRASKA,

80. ON THIS NEW K-PELL ALBUM "WE TIGHT."

81. ANY SONG AND GIVE IT THAT SPECIAL TOUCH.

82. LOOK UP IN THE SKY-RA, BABY.

83. AIN'T THAT A STAR-A?

84. THIS FOR YOU. OH, NO!

85. YOU'LL ALSO GET ALL OF CEPHUS AND REESIE'S GREATEST HIT,

86. IN THE TRISTATE AREA FOR ALMOST A WEEK AND A HALF—

87. "WE TIGHT."

88. ROBOT! IF YOU ACT NOW, YOU'LL ALSO RECEIVE THIS SPECIAL BONUS,

89. YOUR VERY OWN 10-CARAT GOLD-PLATED TOOTH CAP,

90. CEPHUS AND REESIE WEAR.

91. JUST SEND $11 IN CASH TO:

92. AND REESIE YOU CAN STAND.

93. ♪ WE TIGHT ♪

94. WELCOME BACK. I'M ALAN THICKE...

95. SITTIN' IN FOR JOHNNY CARSON.

96. AT THIS POINT ANOTHER CARSON IMPRESSION...

97. WOULD BE TOTALLY PASSÉ.

98. ED WON'T BE HERE TONIGHT EITHER. HE WOKE UP WITH THE HEAD OF A CLYDESDALE IN HIS BED.

99. I GUESS WHEN YOU'RE IN BETWEEN MARRIAGES, YOU'LL BRING HOME ANYTHING.

100.

101. ALL RIGHT.

102. FROM THE SAN DIEGO ANTHROPOLOGICAL INSTITUTE.

103. AS YOU KNOW, JOAN IS ALWAYS BRINGING WITH HER...

104. OF THE PLANET.

105. AND TONIGHT SHE'S BRINGING US AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

106. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME JOAN EMBRY.

107.

108. HI, JOAN. HI, ALAN.

109. - HE'S BEAUTIFUL. - YES, HE IS.

110. THIS IS CALVIN. HE'S A HOMEBOY-SAPIEN AFRICANUS,

111. OR "B-BOY" AS THEY'RE KNOWN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

112. IS HE ABLE TO WALK?

113. OH, YES, HE WALKS, BUT, YOU SEE, THESE ARE NEW SNEAKERS...

114. AND THEY DON'T LIKE TO CREASE THEM.

115. I SEE. AND WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?

116. "CHILLIN'," ALAN.

117. WELL, IT IS KIND OF COLD IN THE STUDIO TODAY.

118. OH, NO, NO, NOT THAT KIND OF CHILLIN'. HE'S JUST RELAXING...

119. HIS ENVIRONMENT. - I SEE.

120. YO, JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE LIVIN' LARGE WITH CRAZY BANK AND STUPID WHEELS...

121. AND I'M BUTT NAKED, DON'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DIS, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

122. POR QUOI?

123. WELL, UH, THEIRS IS A RAPIDLY CHANGING LANGUAGE, ALAN.

124. THERE'S NEW TERMINOLOGY ALMOST DAILY.

125. BUT AS OF LAST FRIDAY, WHAT HE SAID TO YOU WAS,

126. "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RICH AND HE'S POOR, DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DISRESPECT HIM."

127. - OH, BOY. - I WOULDN'T SAY THAT AROUND HIM, ALAN.

128. IT TENDS TO, UM, IT TENDS TO AGITATE HIM.

129. YO, YO, YO, CALVIN, MAN, COOL OUT. THE DUDE'S JUST BUGGIN'.

130. IS HE DANGEROUS?

131. WELL, ALAN, LIKE ANY OF GOD'S CREATIONS,

132. WITHOUT LOVE, A PROPER DIET, A DECENT EDUCATION AND EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES,

133. EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

134. DON'T HELP EITHER.

135. HE'S GOT A GUN!

136. NO, NO, ALAN, IT'S JUST CANDY.

137. YO, CHILL OUT. CANDY?

138. IT'S AN APPLE JOLLY RANCHER.

139. YEAH. IT SEEMS TO BE THE FOUNDATION OF THE HOMEBOY'S DIET.

140. AS OPPOSED TO GRAPE, WE'RE REALLY NOT QUITE SURE.

141. WELL, WHAT OTHER KIND OF THINGS CAN HE DO?

142. WELL, HE CAN DO ANYTHING ANYBODY ELSE CAN DO.

143. OH, YEAH? WELL, CAN HE HOST A TALK SHOW?

144. I'M SURE HE COULD, YES.

145. YO, THAT AIN'T NOTHIN', MAN. YO, CHECK THIS OUT, MAN.

146. IS THIS THING ON? YO, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?

147. [ Audience Replies, Indistinct ]

148. PEACE.

149. WE'LL BE BACK, BUT WE'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.

150. TITA! CHA-CHA! CONCHA! ¿QUÉ HACE?

151. ON THE FLOOR.

152. AFTER YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS.

153. YOUR SHOULDERS, HUH, HECTOR?

154. SWEEP THE FLOOR, CONCHA!

155. HEY, MIRA. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

156. CHA-CHA, LET ME TELL YOU, BABY. IT'S A BIG SITUATION.

157. WHAT HAPPENED?

158. YESTERDAY, SHE CAUGHT HECTOR IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

159. NO, AY MI HIJA. I BET SHE ALMOST HAD A CARDIAC ARREST. YOU SURE THAT HAPPENED?

160. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. LET ME TELL YOU.

161. LAST NIGHT, I STAYED OVER AT DAISY'S HOUSE, AND CONCHA TOLD MARISSA,

162. AND LUCY TOLD PABLO AND PABLO TOLD PEPE...

163. AND CUCA TOLD CRAZY LEGS AND CRAZY LEGS TOLD MAD DOG...

164. AND LEFTY TOLD SHORTY AND SHORTY TOLD PEPE...

165. AND SOL TOLD ME, BABY, SO YOU KNOW IT'S A FACT.

166. I KNOW. I KNOW IT'S A FACT.

167. CONCHA, I TOLD YOU TO SWEEP THE FLOOR.

168. WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE PENDEJA I CAUGHT YOU WITH TO SWEEP THE FLOOR, HUH?

169. CONCHA, MY LITTLE PONCE DE LEÓN, IT WAS NOTHING.

170. I— AY! MIRA, CONDENADA, YOU BIT MY LIP!

171. ¡VEN ACÁ! AY!

172.

173. THERE'S A CUSTOMER, ESTÚPIDO!

174. HOLA. I AM SENOR HECTOR,

175. CASA DE HAIR.

176. HI. I'M VISITIN' FROM OUT OF TOWN.

177. AT THE HOTEL DIRECTED ME TO THE VIDAL SASSOON NEXT DOOR,

178. BURNT DOWN.

179. MM-HMM.

180. TITA, CHECK THE APPOINTMENT BOOK, POR FAVOR.

181. - YOU DON'T HAVE NO APPOINTMENT BOOK. - ¡AYÚDAME!

182. PRONTO.

183. OH, MADONNA JUST CANCELED, HECTOR. YOU'RE FREE.

184. FOLLOW ME, SENORITA.

185.

186. SIÉNTATE, MI PRINCESA.

187. OH. OLÉ!

188. CONCHA, THE LADY WOULD LIKE A MANICURE.

189. SO, ARE YOU MARRIED, SENORITA?

190. OH, MY GOODNESS!

191. AREN'T YOU SOMETHING? AS A MATTER OF FACT I AM, SENOR HECTOR.

192. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. WHAT WOULD YOU DO...

193. YOUR WORTHLESS HUSBAND...

194. WITH A STRANGE WOMAN?

195. OH, I'M AFRAID I WOULD JUST KICK HIS LITTLE BEHIND. OW!

196. TRYING TO FIX THE PLUMBING?

197. WELL, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, I GUESS.

198. IS SO BAD...

199. THAT HE CAN'T EVEN SATISFY HIS OWN WIFE?

200. YOU KNOW, AS A WIFE, I WOULD FIND THAT EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING.

201. WELL, OF COURSE, MAYBE HE WASN'T DOING EVERYTHING HE COULD...

202. TO FEEL MORE LIKE A MAN.

203. I MEAN, MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HIS COLOGNE...

204. LIKE EMBALMING FLUID. OH, NO, BABY!

205. THAT COLOGNE, OKAY?

206. MY WIFE'S TASTE IN COLOGNE?

207. NO! YOU KNOW, I THINK I WOULD JUST HAVE TO KNOW...

208. ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION BEFORE RENDERING AN OPINION.

209. EXCUSE ME. I'M LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT. ¡ESPÉRATE!

210. AYE, LOOK AT THAT.

211. HAS LEFT MY ESTABLISHMENT, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

212. AH, KISS MY CHUTECA AND DIE, HECTOR.

213. I GOING TO KILL YOU!

214. I HOPE SHE DON'T TAKE OFF THAT SHOE AND THROW IT AT HIS HEAD AGAIN LIKE SHE DID LAST TIME.

215. IT'S OKAY BECAUSE HE'S SO HARD UP, HE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO FEEL IT.

216. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU...

217. ARE BULGING.

218. WHEN THAT LITTLE VEIN POPS OUTTA YOUR HEAD.

219. CHICAS, TAKE A BREAK.

220. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO GET A DIVORCE AFTER ALL.

221. HONEY, IF THAT'S THE CASE, LET ME GET ON THE PHONE, 'CAUSE I GOTTA TELL PACO...

222. AND PEPE CAN TELL PUCA.

223. AYE-AYE-AYE-AYE!

224. HEY, BROTHER, CAN WE TALK?

225.

226.

227. P.B.S.-- THE PAVEMENT BROADCAST SYSTEM...

228. PROUDLY PRESENTS...

229. HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOW.

230. MY NAME IS ANTON,

231. AND THIS IS MY HOUSE, SLASH BATHROOM,

232. SLASH KITCHEN, SLASH BACKYARD, SLASH LIBRARY.

233. OH, I FORGOT WE'RE ON TV. LET ME FIX MY MAKEUP.

234. NOW, LET'S—

235. WE'RE GONNA NEED A LITTLE BIT OF WORK LIGHT,

236. SO LET'S GO TO A CONVENIENT POWER SOURCE.

237.

238. REMEMBER, SAFETY LAST WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.

239. NOW, TODAY WE'RE GONNA ADD ON A NEW ROOM.

240. THAT I GOT THE PROPER TOOLS.

241. THIS IS THE DRILL.

242. MY HAMMER.

243. MY MEASURING TAPE.

244. OH, THAT'S THE EXTENSION CORD.

245. LET'S JUST USE THE ROPE FOR NOW.

246. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I NEED MY SCREWDRIVER.

247. AHH! OHH!

248. I NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THAT.

249. NOW LET'S GET STARTED, SHALL WE?

250. NOW, IN ORDER TO ADD ON THIS NEW ROOM,

251. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE A NEW DOORWAY.

252. SO WHAT DO WE DO? WE MARK IT.

253. WITH AN "X."

254. AND THEN WE CUT THE HOLE.

255. SMOOTH OUT THE ROUGH EDGES.

256. PICK UP OUR PANTS.

257. AND NOW LET'S ADD ON THE NEW ROOM.

258. NOW, IN ORDER TO BOND THIS,

259. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO USE AN ALL-NATURAL ADHESIVE.

260. Y'ALL CHILDREN, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

261. WE JUST PUT THAT THERE.

262. AND WHEN THIS DRIES, IT'LL BE CRAZY LIKE KRAZY GLUE.

263. NOW, OUR NEW GUEST WING IS ALMOST COMPLETE.

264. BUT NOT YET.

265. INSTALL THE PLUMBING.

266. I'LL GO GET THE BATHROOM.

267. SO, WE'LL JUST SET THAT THERE, RIGHT THERE. WAIT.

268. IN THERE.

269. SO, NOW WHEN COMPANY COME OVER, THEY DON'T HAVE TO STEAL YOUR BATHROOM.

270. WELL, THAT'S THE SHOW FOR TODAY.

271. WHEN I'LL BE SHOWING YOU...

272. OUT OF A GARBAGE CAN.

273. FOR THIS OL' BOX SAYING,

274. "HASTA LA— SOMETHING OTHER."

275. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

276. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. SAY HELLO TO OUR NEWEST CAST MEMBER.

277. TO EVERYBODY.

278. TELL 'EM, "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK." SAY GOOD NIGHT.

279. SAY SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK." SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! HA!

280. THAT'S WHY SHE'S NOT GETTING SCHEDULED. GOOD NIGHT.