1. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KEENEN IVORY WAYANS.
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2. THANK YOU.
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3. ALL RIGHT.
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4. THANK YOU.
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5. THANK YOU.
I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
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6. LIKE I SAID, I ALWAYS LIKE
TO KEEP THIS SHORT AND SWEET.
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7. TO MY CREW, MY D.J. S.W. ONE.
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8.
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9. AND BEFORE WE GET TO THE LAUGHS,
WE GOTTA GET TO THE LADIES.
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10. STARTING OVER HERE WITH CARI,
CARRIE ANN, LISA,
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11. MICHELLE AND DEIDRE.
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12. - MY FLY GIRLS. GIVE IT UP.
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13. ALL RIGHT. SIT BACK, RELAX.
WE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
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14. SEE YA.
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15.
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16.
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17. LINE UP!
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18. WELCOME TO THE FIRST MEETING...
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19. FOR WOMEN.
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20. I'M BOB JACKSON.
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21. IN KARATE,
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22. AND I'VE STUDIED MARTIAL ARTS
FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
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23. I'M ALSO
A FORMER WORLD CHAMPION.
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24. NOW,
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25. MORE THAN OTHERS,
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26. BUT I GUARANTEE...
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27. YOU'LL NEVER BE AFRAID
OF VIOLENCE AGAIN.
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28. NOW, LET ME ASK.
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29. MOST CONCERNED ABOUT?
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30. YES, YOU!
OKAY. SAY YOU FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND,
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31. AND SOME KIDS.
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32. WELL, WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS,
HOW DO YOU KILL A MAN IN HIS SLEEP?
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33. WHAT?
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34. LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT ONE.
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35. WHY DON'T WE START, THOUGH,
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36. A KNIFE ATTACK.
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37. TO ATTACK ME? OOH, ME!
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38. - I GOT ONE IN MY PURSE.
- WHY DON'T YOU TRY?
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39. THIS IS A REAL KNIFE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, GRASSHOPPER.
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40. I DON'T KNOW.
I REALLY—
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41. I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
IT'S OKAY. COME ON!
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42. OH, MY GOD! I'M REALLY SORRY!
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43. I-I-I-I—
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44. I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
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45. I'M FINE.
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46. MY INTERNAL ORGANS...
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47. TO AVOID THE KNIFE.
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48. HOWEVER,
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49. OF BEGINNING STUDENTS,
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50. YOU ATTACKED ME WRONG.
OH!
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51. YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO COME AT ME LIKE THIS.
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52. ALL RIGHT.
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53. NOW, REMEMBER THAT
AND TRY IT AGAIN. OKAY.
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54. A DOWNWARD THING.
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55. ALL RIGHT-Y.
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56.
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57. I'M REALLY SORRY! UH—
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58. LOSING A LOT OF BLOOD. CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
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59. OH, MAN!
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60. OH!
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61. YOU SEE, YOU'RE STILL
BENDING YOUR ELBOWS.
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62. YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP...
YOUR ARM... COMPLETELY STRAIGHT.
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63. OH. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE WHOLE KEY.
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64. OH, GOD.
ALL RIGHT.
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65. TRY IT ONE MORE TIME.
STRAIGHT.
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66. OKAY.
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67. - OKAY, I GOT IT. ALL RIGHT.
- THAT'S IT.
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68. YEAH. YEAH.
JUST LIKE THAT. YEAH.
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69.
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70. WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
IT'S OUR FIRST DAY!
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71. HOW EASY IT CAN BE... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
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72. AFTER 20 YEARS.
THIS CLASS IS A RIP-OFF. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
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73. RIGHT. ME TOO.
AND I LOOKED IT UP. PARDON ME.
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74. IN 1976, CHUCK NORRIS
WAS THE WORLD CHAMPION. WHAT?
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75. I NEVER SAID I WAS THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION.
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76. THERE WERE LOTS OF THEM.
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77. I SPARRED WITH ELVIS!
WOW!
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78. OKAY. SAY YOU WAKE UP
FROM A DEEP SLEEP...
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79. IS DOING THIS. OW!
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80. WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
AND IKE TURNER DOES THIS.
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81. AND ELVIS DOES THIS.
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82. HMM?
THAT MIGHT'VE HURT IF I HADN'T SHIFTED MR. HAPPY.
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83. OH, GOD.
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84. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, TOM, ON YOUR NEW PROMOTION.
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85. TO YOUTH.
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86. THANK YOU, BOSS.
LATER, BABE. BYE-BYE.
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87. GEE, ANOTHER PROMOTION FOR TOM.
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88. WHAT IS IT? YOUTH?
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89. HEY, HE'S TWO YEARS OLDER
THAN I AM.
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90. MAYBE IT'S THIS GREY
THAT'S HOLDING ME BACK.
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91. GET RID OF THAT GREY,
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92. ADD SOME ZEST,
SOME COLOR TO YOUR LIFE...
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93. GRESHAN FORMULA.
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94. MAKES THE CHANGE SO GRADUAL THAT NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
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95. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
JIM, THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
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96. ARE YOU WEARING A NEW SUIT?
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97. YOU LOOK A LITTLE, UH,
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98. MORE MANLY.
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99. YOU KNOW, JIM,
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100. IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS,
SOMETHING SEEMS, UM,
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101. DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
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102. YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?
I KNOW. YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT.
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103. WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
KEEP IT UP.
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104. NEW AND IMPROVED GRESHAN FORMULA...
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105. ADDS ZEST AND COLOR.
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106. LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS, IT'S 21 HOURS AND COUNTING...
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107. THE JHERI'S KIDS TELETHON.
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108. HERE'S YOUR HOST,
JHERI LEWIS!
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109. OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!
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110. THIS IS LOVE,
AND LOVE IS THIS.
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111. IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US,
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112. IT'S THE 21st HOUR...
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113. OF THE JHERI KIDS TELETHON.
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114. WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT
A DEADLY AFFLICTION,
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115. MILLIONS OF INNER-CITY YOUTHS...
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116. OF OURS.
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117. ALSO, MANY PUBLIC FIGURES
SUCH AS...
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118. FULL FORCE.
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119. GET BUSY.
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120. TO ONE OF JHERI'S KIDS.
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121. FROM COMPTON, CALIFORNIA.
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122. THE DREADED ACTIVATOR...
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123. SO VERY DESPERATELY.
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124. HEY!
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125. RODNEY, TELL THE PEOPLE
OUT THERE...
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126. AS A RESULT OF YOUR JHERI CURL.
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127. WELL, YOU KNOW—
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128. YOU KNOW, FIRST IT WAS
THE "IN THING" TO DO, MAN.
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129. EVERYBODY HAD ONE, YOU KNOW?
MM-HMM.
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130. GOIN' BAD, MAN.
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131. MY WOMAN LEFT ME, MAN,
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132. 'CAUSE SHE GOT TIRED OF WASHING
THEM PILLOW COVERS, MAN.
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133. MAN, I WAS LIKE
A WALKING FIRE HAZARD.
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134. AT MY JOB AT McDONALD'S,
MAN, I COULDN'T EVEN GO NEAR THE HEAT LAMPS, OR WHOOF!
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135. IT'S OKAY.
IT AIN'T OKAY.
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136. IT'S OKAY.
LET IT GO.
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137. WITH THE KLEENEX HERE?
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138. OKAY, RODNEY,
GIVE ME THE GOOD STUFF.
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139. WELL, I—
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140. JHERI CURL DEACTIVATION CENTER.
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141. OH, YEAH!
YEAH.
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142. YOU KNOW, THE HARDEST THING
I EVER DID, MAN, WAS STAYING AWAY FROM THAT ACTIVATOR, MAN.
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143. I-I JUST NEEDED THAT ACTIVATOR ON MY HEAD.
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144. OH, YEAH!
YES, IT WAS TERRIBLE, MAN.
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145. BUT I'M ON MY WAY BACK,
MAN. MM-HMM.
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146. NEXT WEEK I'M GOING
TO GET A FLATTOP! OH, YEAH!
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147. THAT'S RIGHT!
A SEA HAS PARTED!
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148. OH, YEAH! EPIPHANY!
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149. EPIPHANY.
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150. SO YOU SEE,
THERE IS HOPE.
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151. WON'T YOU PLEASE
SEND YOUR DONATIONS AND YOUR LOVE?
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152. THIS JHERI CURL SYNDROME.
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153. IS IT TIME...
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154. FOR ME TO SING?
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155. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS YEAR
WE COULD NOT GET CLEARANCE ON "NEVER WALK ALONE."
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156. I WAS DEVASTATED.
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157. SO I WROTE MY OWN SONG.
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158. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
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159.
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160. MARTY? MARTY?
LISTEN TO ME, OKAY?
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161. YOU CAN'T RUSH
A TRACY CHAPMAN SONG, ALL RIGHT?
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162. THE CREATIVE PROCESS IS.
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163. MAN, THAT'S JUST THE WAY
I GET INSPIRED.
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164. I WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
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165. HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN?
ALL RIGHT. THEN CHILL OUT, OKAY?
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166. I'LL HAVE THE SONG TOMORROW.
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167. PEACE.
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168. HEY, YOU GIVE ME BACK MY POCKET BOOK!
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169. SHUT UP,
YOU OLD BAG OF WRINKLES! OH!
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170. [ Brakes Screeching,
Crash ]
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171. OH, MY GOD!
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172.
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173. I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
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174. ON TRIAL FOR HIS SINS.
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175. FORGIVE ME.
I LOVED IT. DID YOU?
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176. LIAR! YOU ONLY
LOVE YOUR FREEDOM.
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177. IS THAT A SIN?
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178. A SAD AND LONELY ONE.
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179. I HEARD THAT.
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180. YOU BELONG TO NO ONE.
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181. YOU BELONG TO NO ONE.
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182. YOU BELONG TO NO ONE.
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183. IS A SIN,
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184. THEN I'S BE GUILTY!
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185. OPPRESSION FOR BLACK MEN.
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186. IF ONLY HE WASN'T SO DARK.
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187. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
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188. IS JUST SUPER.
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189. THE DECOR IS INTERESTING.
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190. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY,
WE GOT SOME MORE CUSTOMERS IN HERE!
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191. Y'ALL GO ON AND SIT
WHEREVER Y'ALL WANNA SIT.
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192. BY THE ROACH MOTEL.
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193. DON'T SIT THERE.
THAT TABLE'S RESERVED.
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194. AT MAMA'S PLACE BEFORE.
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195. WHERE SHE AIN'T GOIN' TO.
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196. MAMA GONNA HAVE TO SPANK YOU.
MAMA GONNA HAVE TO SPANK YOU.
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197. WAS AN ASTRONAUT!
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198.
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199. I'M THE ONLY ONE HEAR
THE PHONE RINGIN', HUH?
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200. FIRST BREAK I GET,
EVERYBODY ELSE GOES DEAF.
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201. MM-HMM.
LET ME SIT.
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202. HELLO. SNACK AND SHACK.
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203. THERE'LL BE A 45 MINUTE WAIT.
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204. PRINCE?
I DON'T CARE IF YOU THE QUEEN OF SHEBA,
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205. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT
ALONG WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.
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206. THINK THEY'RE ROYALTY,
THEY GET SPECIAL TREATMENT.
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207. I DON'T CARE.
PICK IT UP!
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208. FOOL, I SAID "BEANS,"
NOT "GREENS."
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209. YOU SAID "GREENS."
I SAID "BEANS!"
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210. ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO. BEANS.
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211. AND WEIGH IT.
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212. DON'T MESS
WITH MY PRESSURE, WOMAN. DON'T GET MY PRESSURE UP.
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213. GOIN' TO GET UP ANYTIME SOON.
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214. IN THAT HEARING AID, THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.
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215. I DIDN'T ORDER NO GREENS!
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ORDER NO GREENS.
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216. YOU DIDN'T ORDER NO CHICKEN,
BUT YOU GONNA GET THAT, 'CAUSE HE NEEDS NEW BATTERIES.
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217. GETTIN' ON MY NERVES.
CAN'T HEAR NOTHIN'.
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218. WHY DON'T Y'ALL GO ON
AND GET YOURSELF SOME WATER OR SOMETHIN'?
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219. ACTIN' LIKE YOU A STRANGER HERE
AT MAMA'S PLACE.
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220. MAKIN' ME FEEL
ALL BAD LIKE THAT.
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221. IF YOU KEEP ON—
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222. I'LL TAKE JOAN COLLINS
TO BLOCK!
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223. OH, LORD.
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224. OH!
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225.
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226. HELP ME.
I GOT SOME TERRIBLE BUNIONS.
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227. ONIONS.
PICK IT UP.
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228. MAMA'S GONNA TAKE CARE
OF YOU, BABY.
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229. MAMA GONNA SPECIAL TREAT YOU.
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230. WE'RE COOKIN' NOW.
OH, LOOK AT YOU, BABY.
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231. EYE JUST LIKE MY GRANDBABY.
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232. A LITTLE TREAT FOR YOU.
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233. GOT DOWN HERE.
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234. YEAH. HOW ABOUT A PIECE
OF PECAN PIE FOR MY BABY?
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235. UH, I'LL JUST, UH—
I'LL SAVE IT FOR LATER, OKAY?
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236. MAMA'S FEELINGS LIKE THAT? YOU WANT A PIECE OF PIE?
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237. NO, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD LIKE? IS A NEW FORK, IF I COULD.
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238. THIS ONE IS FILTHY.
SAY WHAT?
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239. I'D LIKE A NEW FORK.
YOUR FORK IS DIRTY?
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240. OH, BABY, THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A LITTLE BIT OF DRIED-UP CABBAGE.
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241. MY FEET STINK! THANKS.
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242. THERE YOU GO, SWEETHEART.
IT'S AS GOOD AS GOLD.
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243. BABY, LOOK AT YOU.
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244. AS YOU WANNA BE.
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245. SKINNY AS A BEAN POLE.
AIN'T SHE SKINNY AS A BEAN POLE?
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246. - SKINNY AS A BEAN POLE.
- FILLET OF SOLE! PICK IT UP!
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247. UM, I WOULD JUST LIKE
THE SALMON CROQUETTES, PLEASE.
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248. BABY, YOU GONNA HAVE
THE SALISBURY STEAK.
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249. I'M A VEGETARIAN.
OH, I'M A CAPRICORN.
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250. NO. SEE—
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251. NO, SEE,
SHE DOESN'T EAT RED MEAT. THAT'S WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY.
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252. OH, YOU THERE,
SMARTY-PANTS,
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253. MY LITTLE GRANDSON.
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254. BABY, SALISBURY STEAK
AIN'T RED. IT'S BROWN.
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255. SEE, I DON'T EAT ANYTHING
THAT GRAZES.
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256. THAT'S WHY YOUR TEETH
ARE SO YELLOW.
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257. JELL-O! PICK IT UP!
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258. LUTHER! LUTHER!
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259. I NEED A SALISBURY STEAK...
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260. OF MACARONI AND CHEESE.
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261. - AIN'T NO MORE SALISBURY STEAK.
- WE ALL OUT OF SALISBURY STEAK.
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262. - LUTHER, WE OUT
OF SALISBURY STEAK? - AIN'T NO MORE SALISBURY STEAK!
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263. FORGET THE STEAK.
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264. A PERRIER, PLEASE?
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265. YOU WANT A PAIR OF WHAT?
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266. NO, A PERRIER.
IT'S BOTTLED WATER. IT'S FRENCH.
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267. OOH, THIS WIG ITCHES!
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268. OH, LORD!
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269. FEELS LIKE SOMETHIN' DONE
CRAWLED UP UNDER MY HEAD AND DIED.
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270. THIS IS DISGUSTING.
I'D REALLY LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER, PLEASE.
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271. BABY, MAMA GOT—
AW!
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272. MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO THE OWNER?
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273. OOH, MY HAIR FALLIN' OUT
ON ME.
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274. TO THE OWNER? YEAH.
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275. LEON, LADY OVER HERE
WANNA SPEAK TO YOU.
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276. A BOOGER TALK!
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277. ALL RIGHT.
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278. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
AS USUAL, WE HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
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279. DOIN' IT FOR YOU.
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280. STARTIN' MAY 27th,
TELL THEM WHERE THE PARTY'S GONNA BE.
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281. SUNDAY!
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282. PEACE!
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