In Living Color 1x12

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A cable repairman benefits when LaQuita tries to impress a producer. Also: a "Ray Charles in Charge" segment.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KEENEN IVORY WAYANS.

2. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

3. I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS, AND THIS IS IN LIVING COLOR.

4. GOOD TO BE HERE TONIGHT. GOOD TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE.

5. BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU'RE UP THERE.

6. I LIKE SHAWN. I WANT TO BE WITH SHAWN.

7. SHE COULDN'T GET THE DANCE NUMBER DOWN, SO—

8. SAY HELLO TO D.J. AND ONE OF MY FLY GIRLS, CARRIE ANN AND S.W. ONE.

9. THESE OTHER GIRLS BACK HERE, START WITH CARI, DIEDRE,

10. LISA AND MICHELLE.

11. WE'RE READY TO GET LOOSE AND HAVE SOME FUN,

12. FOR ABOUT A HALF.

13. BE RIGHT BACK. KICK IT.

14.

15. AND WAKE UP!

16. OH!

17. ALL RIGHT, ANOTHER VOLUNTEER. YES, YOU, SIR.

18. LET'S GIVE HIM A HAND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

19. AND YOUR NAME IS? EUGENE CARMICHAEL III.

20. ALL RIGHT, EUGENE CARMICHAEL III, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

21. - COMMODITIES BROKER. - COMMODITIES BROKER.

22. LET ME ASK YOU, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HYPNOTIZED?

23. NO, I HAVEN'T AND FRANKLY, I'M QUITE SKEPTICAL.

24. ONE, TWO, THREE, TRANCE!

25. NOW AT MY COMMAND, YOU WILL CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN.

26. ONE, TWO, THREE—

27. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA—

28. - BEG YOUR PARDON?

29. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SKEPTIC.

30. I ASSURE YOU, HE WILL REMAIN THIS WAY AS LONG AS I— AHH!

31.

32. OH, MY HEART!

33.

34. HE'S NOT BREATHING. CALL AN AMBULANCE QUICK!

35. OH, MY GOD! COME ON. GET UP!

36. IT'S NO USE. HE'S DEAD.

37.

38. YOU BASTARD, LIVE!

39.

40. NOTHING BUT BURGERS. MAY I HELP YOU?

41. ALL RIGHT.

42. NOW JUST CONCENTRATE.

43. ON THE COUNTER,

44. AND CONCENTRATE.

45.

46. EXCUSE ME?

47. OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HEAR ME.

48. I'M STARVING! I WANT A BURGER!

49. LOOK, BUD, I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS. I'LL CALL THE POLICE.

50. YOU CAN'T COME IN CLUCKING AND GRABBIN'. WAIT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

51. THIS GUY'S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.

52. I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS ON GERALDO.

53. CAN YOU WRITE IT DOWN?

54. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

55. I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS.

56. "I'D LIKE A HAMBURGER...

57. "AND A COLA, PLEASE.

58. I AM STARVING."

59. OKAY. OKAY.

60. "CLUCK, CLUCK."

61. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T READ THAT CHICKEN SCRATCH.

62. OH! PLEASE! PLEASE!

63.

64. THAT WENT AWRY...

65. FOR A LONG DESCENT TO A PLACE STRANGER THAN NIGHTMARES.

66. A PLACE CRUELER THAN HELL.

67. HE'S ENTERED A PLACE CALLED THE VORTEX OF FEAR.

68.

69.

70.

71.

72. COMING THIS FALL ON ABC.

73. MUFFIN, SKIP, YOU KIDS OKAY?

74. WE'RE FINE, MR. CHARLES.

75. THE KIDS AREN'T HIS, BUT THEY'RE HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

76. HE'S RAY CHARLES IN CHARGE.

77. FOUR OF A KIND. READ 'EM AND WEEP.

78. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SKIP?

79. MATH.

80. THAT'S GOOD. AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, MUFFIN?

81. WE'RE STUDYING ANATOMY.

82. GOOD. GOOD. YOU'RE FINE CHILDREN.

83. MOVE OVER, MR. BELVEDERE, AND HIT THE ROAD, JACK.

84. HE'S RAY CHARLES IN CHARGE.

85. THE STEVIE WONDER YEARS.

86. THEY'RE BLIND AND THEY'RE BLACK,

87. THEY'RE BACK-TO-BACK, TUESDAYS ON ABC.

88. NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS,

89. IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE STORYTELLER.

90.

91. HELLO, SWEET BABIES.

92. HOW Y'ALL DOING TODAY?

93. WOULD Y'ALL LIKE TO HEAR A STORY?

94. THEN SHUT UP.

95. ANYWAY, TONIGHT'S STORY IS CINDERELLA.

96. CINDERELLA WAS THE PRETTIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL AND MOST TALENTED ONE IN THE FAMILY,

97. AND ALL OF THEM HATED HER.

98. JUST LIKE ME. SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO TALENTED.

99. AND THEY ALL HATE ME, YOU KNOW. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

100. THE PRINCE,

101. AND EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT PRINCE, PRINCE, PRINCE.

102. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN' ABOUT PRINCE. PRINCE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO ME.

103. ON MY THRONE UNLESS HE'S IN A HIGH CHAIR.

104. THAT'S RIGHT, I'VE SEEN HIM. THAT LITTLE TINY MAN, POSING NAKED ON A HORSE,

105. WITH ONE HAND.

106. WITH ONE HAND, WHY BOTHER?

107. SHUT UP.

108. SO, ANYWAY, CINDERELLA HEARD ABOUT THE KING'S BALL...

109. AND SHE GOT ALL EXCITED, JUST LIKE I DID.

110. I LOVE A GOOD BALL.

111. ANYWAY, KINGS ARE ALWAYS KNOWN...

112. AND I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT ELVIS.

113. OH, NO, ELVIS WAS NO KING. I'M SORRY.

114. ELVIS COULDN'T EVEN TIE MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES.

115. I WOULDN'T LET HIM PET MY HOUND DOG. OH, NO.

116. IF ELVIS IS THE KING, THEN WHAT AM I?

117. SHUT UP.

118. SO, ANYWAYS, CINDERELLA WAS VERY SAD BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T GO.

119. THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, HER FAIRY GODMOTHER CAME AND GAVE HER A BEAUTIFUL GOWN,

120. SILVER SLIPPERS, AND A WHITE CARRIAGE WITH HORSES.

121. YOU KNOW, THEY NEVER GAVE ME NOTHING.

122. THAT'S RIGHT. I HAVEN'T GOT A GRAMMY YET.

123. THEY NEVER GAVE ME NOTHIN'. McCARTNEY A GRAMMY.

124. WHEN I HEARD THAT, I SCREAMED LIKE A WHITE LADY IN CHURCH.

125. MM-HMM. WHERE WAS I?

126. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY STOLE FROM ME. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

127. I CAN'T TELL THIS STORY NO MORE. I HAVE TO TELL THE REAL STORY.

128. EVERYONE STOLE FROM ME. STEVIE WONDER AND RAY CHARLES?

129. I WAS BLIND FIRST. OH, YES. I DID THAT FIRST.

130. OH, AND DIANA ROSS? DIANA ROSS— TALL, GLAMOROUS WOMAN?

131. YOU KNOW WHO DID THAT FIRST.

132. OH, AND JAMES BROWN? STOLE MY HAIR. STOLE MY CAPE.

133. MM-HMM. HE'S IN PRISON, RIGHT WHERE HE BELONGS.

134. OH, YES, HE IS. YOU KNOW, PAPA'S GOT A BRAND-NEW BAG NOW.

135. SOME SHOES TO MATCH.

136. SHUT UP.

137. ANYWAY, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR LIL' RICHARD'S PLAYHOUSE.

138. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. BYE-BYE, SWEET BABIES.

139.

140. GREAT SET, DELLA. THANK YOU, BUSTER.

141. HI, I'M DELLA REESE.

142. IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU SUCK UP FOOD...

143. SUCKS UP HAIR BALLS.

144. BUT I GOT TO WATCH WHAT I EAT.

145. AND, HONEY, SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT A WHOLE PORTION.

146. I JUST WANT A LITTLE TASTE.

147. AND THAT'S WHY I DEVELOPED DELLA REESE'S PIECES.

148. HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HAVING WHOLE PORTIONS ANYMORE...

149. BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY TAKEN BITES OUT OF EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

150. SEE? THAT'S ALL I WANTED.

151. WAIT A MINUTE.

152. LET ME GET A LITTLE SMIDGEN MORE.

153. FOR LATER TOO.

154. YOU GONNA GET...

155. WITH DELLA REESE'S PIECES.

156. IT'S THE SIMPLE WAY TO STOP MAKING A PIG OUT OF YOURSELF, HONEY.

157. SOMEBODY COMES IN YOUR FACE...

158. WITH A BIG OL' MEAN DRUMSTICK LIKE THIS,

159. YOU SAY, "UH-UH, BABY. I'M EATING DELLA REESE'S PIECES."

160. NEW DELLA REESE'S PIECES.

161. WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY STARVING FOR JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING.

162. TODAY'S THE BIG DAY. I'M MOVING UP.

163. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, MY BROTHER.

164. THEY AIN'T NEVER GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN.

165. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? PETERSON TOLD ME...

166. I'M IN THE NUMBER ONE POSITION FOR THIS PROMOTION.

167. SOMETHING, MY BROTHER.

168. THE WHITE MAN AIN'T NEVER...

169. IN CHARGE OF HIS FRENCH FRIES.

170. THEY JUST DON'T GIVE US THAT TYPE OF POWER.

171. MAN, WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE? HEY, I AIN'T NEGATIVE.

172. I'M JUST REAL, MY BROTHER.

173. SEE, BROTHERS DON'T GET THEM TYPE OF POSITIONS.

174. LOOK AT ME. I'VE BEEN HERE FIVE YEARS.

175. WHAT AM I DOING? MOPPING.

176. YEAH, BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU FAILED YOUR FRENCH FRY APTITUDE TEST. TWICE.

177. HEY, MAN, THAT WAS A CULTURALLY-BIASED TEST, MAN.

178. A BLACK MAN FROM COMPTON...

179. WHITE POTATOES FROM IDAHO?

180. SWEET POTATOES. I'LL TELL YA ANYTHING ABOUT A YAM.

181. YAM FROM THE MOTHERLAND. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

182. MAN, MAYBE YOUR PROBLEM IS YOUR ATTITUDE.

183. HEY, I AIN'T GOT NO ATTITUDE, MY BROTHER.

184. THERE'S A CONSPIRACY OUT THERE. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?

185. THERE'S A CONSPIRACY.

186. A C-O-N— SPIRACY.

187. EXCELLENT WORK, NUMBER FOUR. YOUR PLAN TO GET RID OF MARION BARRY WORKED BEAUTIFULLY.

188. THANK YOU, SIR. NEXT?

189. AND YOU, NUMBER FIVE, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

190. THANK YOU, YOUR WHITENESS.

191. WELL, WELL, WELL.

192. NUMBER SIX. MR. SCREWUP.

193. IT REALLY WASN'T MY FAULT, NUMBER ONE. WHAT HAPPENED— SILENCE!

194. THEIR JOBS WELL. BUT YOU HAVE FOULED UP TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

195. FIRST, YOU LET EDDIE MURPHY BECOME THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR IN THE WORLD.

196. IT WAS THE WRITING. AND BRYANT GUMBEL?

197. I LEAKED THE MEMO. ARSENIO HALL?

198. COULD GO ALL THE WAY.

199. PAT SAJAK? IT'S THAT KIND OF DIMWITTED THINKING THAT'S GOTTEN YOU INTO THIS MESS.

200. AND NOW THE LAST STRAW. I JUST HEARD THAT A BLACK MAN IN YOUR SECTOR...

201. IN CHARGE OF FRENCH FRIES.

202. - FRENCH FRIES! - NOTHING I COULD DO. WHAT COULD I DO?

203. YOU'RE PATHETIC. WAIT OUTSIDE. YES, SIR.

204. GET ME SENATOR THOMPKINS.

205. MELVIN? MELVIN? MELVIN!

206. HELLO, MR. PETERSON. MELVIN,

207. THE LIST OF PEOPLE FOR THE NEW FRENCH FRY SUPERVISION JOB.

208. YEAH? AND I JUST WANNA TELL YA...

209. MORE QUALIFIED THAN YOU.

210. ALL RIGHT! SEE, I TOLD YOU.

211. BUT THEN THIS MORNING, I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO AND I HEARD THE FUNNIEST THING.

212. APPARENTLY, SENATOR THOMPKINS PASSED A BILL...

213. ANYWHERE IN THE STATE.

214. IT PASSED UNANIMOUSLY.

215. SO I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO BE ON THAT MOP FOR A WHILE LONGER.

216. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S SHUT DOWN THOSE FRYERS.

217. SEE? I TOLD YOU, MAN.

218. A CONSPIRACY OUT THERE.

219. C-O-N— YEAH, RIGHT. I KNOW.

220. SPIRACY.

221. BY THE WAY, GUYS, WE HAVE A NEW TRAINEE TODAY.

222. SHOW HIM THE ROPES, WILL YA?

223. HEY, YOU! GET YOUR FEET DOWN OFF THERE!

224. NICE TO HIM, BROTHER.

225. THAT'S YOUR NEW MANAGER.

226. MAN, YOU CRAZY.

227. ISN'T HE?

228. LAQUITA, I'M HOME!

229. HEY, SWEETHEART.

230. WHERE'S MY SUGAR? MM!

231. THAT'S MY BABY. I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF PAINTING MY NAILS.

232. NAILS? WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

233. STEAMIN' ON THE STOVE.

234. PIGS FEET? AY, YI, YI!

235. TO MARRY A CRAZY REDHEAD FROM COMPTON.

236. WELL, YOU DID.

237. I'M HAVING A VERY IMPORTANT PRODUCER...

238. ON MONDAY NIGHT. PRODUCER? PRODUCER?

239. RICKY, SIT DOWN. RICKY, LOOK.

240. BE INTERESTED IN A FEMALE RAPPER?

241. RICKY! LET ME "SPLAIN" SOMETHIN' TO YOU.

242. "SPLAIN" TO ME?

243. DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY LANGUAGE. YOU AIN'T GOT NO LANGUAGE.

244. LAQUITA, I AM GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING...

245. FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME.

246. I DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR HAREBRAINED SCHEMES TO GET INTO SHOW BUSINESS.

247. BUT, RICKY! COME ON, MAN. I COULD BE THE NEXT QUEEN LATIFAH!

248. NO BUTS!

249. NOW, GO ON IN THERE AND SET THE TABLE.

250. SHOOT! I'LL GO TO THE CHINESE RESTAURANT DOWNSTAIRS...

251. A LITTLE MORE FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

252. AND DON'T FORGET, THE CABLE MAN IS COMING.

253. HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

254. WHAT'D YOU SAY?

255. HI, LAQUITA. IT'S ME. ETHEL! ETHEL!

256. COME HERE. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

257. YO, CHECK THIS OUT. RICKY'S GONNA HAVE A BIG-TIME PRODUCER...

258. COMIN' OVER HERE TONIGHT. A PRODUCER!

259. A PRODUCER. SO I FIGURED WE COULD DO OUR SALT 'N PEPA ROUTINE.

260. OH, LAQUITA, I DON'T KNOW. COME ON! IT'S OUR BIG CHANCE!

261. WELL—

262. THAT'S HIM! THAT'S HIM. JUST FOLLOW ALONG.

263. JUST BUST A MOVE. WHATEVER I DO, YOU DO. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

264. THE MERCADO RESIDENCE?

265. YES, IT IS. YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR MR. MERCADO.

266. I'M FROM CONTINENTAL TELEVISION. WE WERE EXPECTING YOU.

267. COME ON IN. COME ON IN.

268. HAVE A SEAT. HAVE A SEAT.

269. OKAY. ETHEL, GET THE NICE MAN SOMETHING TO DRINK.

270. SOME RIPPLE.

271. ON THE ROCKS.

272. YOU WANT A MASSAGE? A LEG MASSAGE?

273. UH, YEAH. SURE, I GUESS. HERE YOU ARE.

274. SOMETHING TO EAT? THANK YOU. YEAH. OKAY.

275. DO YOU LIKE MUSIC? WELL, I GUESS SO. I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T?

276. WELL, PEEP THIS OUT.

277. ONE, TWO. ONE, TWO.

278. OH, THAT WAS GREAT! I MEAN, YOU TWO REALLY SHOULD BE ON TV.

279. YES!

280. NOW, JUST LISTEN. I GOT A SERVICE CONTRACT RIGHT HERE.

281. LET ME PUT MY JOHN HANCOCK ON IT. WAIT A MINUTE! NOT SO FAST.

282. UNTIL I TAKE CARE OF THE PHYSICAL CONNECTION.

283. WHAT? YOU KNOW,

284. INTO THE BOX.

285. OH, LAQUITA! I DON'T KNOW. DO WE HAVE TO?

286. THIS IS STANDARD PROCEDURE. IT WILL ONLY TAKE ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

287. MAYBE A LITTLE LONGER. THIS IS MY 12th ONE TODAY.

288. TWELFTH?

289. TOOK ALMOST TWO HOURS.

290. MM-HMM. THE POOR WOMAN COULDN'T REMEMBER WHERE HER BOX WAS.

291. AND WHEN WE FINALLY FOUND IT, IT WAS ALL RUSTED SHUT. HAD TO USE A CROWBAR.

292. OH, MY GOD! LAQUITA, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

293. COME ON, ETHEL. COME ON. COME ON AND THINK.

294. JUST THINK ABOUT IT! WE TALKING THE BIG TIME HERE.

295. SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO AND THE BYRON ALLEN SHOW.

296. BYRON ALLEN?

297. WANNA DO IT, LADIES? WE AIN'T NO FREAKS!

298. IN THE BEDROOM, OF COURSE. OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

299. YOU KNOW, I GOT MORE THAN 100 FEET OF CABLE. OH, NO!

300. LOOK AT HIS TEENY FEET. HE AIN'T GOT NO 100 FEET OF CABLE.

301. AND RIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW. - OH, NO, LAQUITA!

302. OH, NO. PLEASE! THIS IS OUR BIG CHANCE.

303. PLEASE, ETHEL. PLEASE. WELL—

304. COME ON. YOU KNOW FRED AIN'T THROWIN' DOWN IN THE BEDROOM ANYWAY.

305. WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

306. ALL RIGHT, SIR, YOU CAN DO ME FIRST AND THEN MY FRIEND.

307. ARE YOU KIDDIN'? I CAN GET A SPLITTER AND TURN YOU BOTH ON.

308. WE'LL JUST DO IT ONE AT A TIME IF YOU DON'T MIND.

309. FINE WITH ME. LET'S GET IT OVER WITH. AREN'T YOU GONNA LEAVE THAT?

310. AH! THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB.

311. WELL, IF YOU SAY SO.

312. HEY, LADY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

313.

314. RICKY!

315. HI, HONEY. THIS IS THAT PRODUCER I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

316. PRODUCER?

317. BUT IF THAT'S THE PRODUCER, THEN— WHO—

318.

319. DID YOU LET THE CABLE MAN IN?

320. NOPE. ETHEL DID.

321. ETHEL! WHAT HAPPENED?

322. FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING.

323. LAQUITA!

324.

325. WHAT?

326.

327. WE'RE HAVING TOO MUCH FUN, BUT WE GOTTA GO.

328.

329. WE OUT OF HERE. SEE Y'ALL LATER.