In Living Color 1x11

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Sketches include the homeless Anton defending himself in a people's court; a parody of rapper MC Hammer; Ted Turner's "colorized classic" version of "The Kid."

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE STAR OF NIGHT COURT AND HER OWN TELEVISION SHOW,

2. MISS MARSHA WARFIELD.

3. HI. I'M MARSHA WARFIELD.

4. YOU KNOW, KEENAN ASKED ME TO COME HOST THE SHOW FOR HIM TONIGHT,

5. I'M GONNA DO IS CHANGE THE WAY THEY DO THINGS AROUND HERE.

6. I'M A GET RID OF THESE LITTLE TIRED TRAMPS. OH, THEY GONE ALREADY. GOOD.

7. 'CAUSE ALL FIVE OF THEM TOGETHER, DON'T EVEN ADD UP TO ONE OF MY CHEEKS.

8. MR. DEEJAY. MM-HMM.

9. COME ON DOWN HERE, MR. DEEJAY.

10. OH, YES, YOU.

11. COME ON DOWN HERE, DOLL. WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

12. THAT'S— THAT'S S.W. ONE.

13. COME HERE. UNBUTTON THAT SHIRT.

14. MM-HMM.

15. OH, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE HELP. COME HERE. I GOT IT.

16. YOU GOT IT? MM. ISN'T HE SOMETHING?

17. LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE YOUR THING.

18. YEAH, I'M A GET FIVE MORE LIKE HIM AND PUT HIM ON MY SHOW.

19. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. COME ON, DARLIN'.

20. FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S THE MOST NONTHREATENING BLACK MEN ON TELEVISION,

21. THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

22. WHOO! WHOO!

23. HIT IT, TOM.

24. HEY, TOM. YES, TOM?

25. UH, WAIT. HOW CAN WE BOTH BE NAMED TOM?

26. EASY. WE'RE NAMED AFTER OUR UNCLE.

27. OH, BOY. KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

28. SPIKE. SPIKE WHO?

29. HOPE IT'S NOT SPIKE LEE, THAT LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER.

30. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

31. SAY, TOM. YES, TOM?

32. COMING TO LIVE WITH US? THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

33. UH, TOM. YES, TOM?

34. WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE ALL OVER? US.

35. WHOO-HOO!

36. GOOD-BYE.

37. COMEDY HOUR IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WHITE OUT.

38. IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT, YOU CAN PRETEND IT DOESN'T EXIST.

39. UH-OH. UH-OH. UH-OH, UH-OH.

40. WATCH OUT, BABY. HEY, GET ME OUT.

41. I CAN'T SEE NOTHIN'. WHOA!

42. HELP! WHOA! HELP ME. GET ME OUT OF THIS THING.

43.

44. STOP. HAMMER TIME.

45. OLD HORROR MOVIES, DON'T YOU? YEAH.

46. SEEN THIS ONE 50 TIMES. WHICH ONE YOU LIKE BETTER?

47. THEATRES KNOW THAT NOTHING IS MORE ANNOYING...

48. A MOVIE WHILE PEOPLE IN THE THEATER ARE TALKING.

49. THAT'S WHY WE TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON OUR MOVIES...

50. REALLY HEAR YOURSELVES TALKING.

51. DON'T GO IN THERE! - DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR, STUPID!

52. WHOO! DON'T TAKE OFF THAT HOOD NOW.

53. HE'S GOING TO TURN INTO THE FLY, RIGHT NOW. WATCH. WATCH.

54. HE'S A FLY! I TOLD YA NOT TO TAKE OFF THAT HOOD.

55. - I WANT HIM! HE'S SO FINE!

56. WHO ARE SPEAKING PLEASE BE QUIET?

57. I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE FILM. WHO IS THIS GUY?

58. COME ON. YOU'RE UP, AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE.

59. HE TOOK MY ARMREST.

60. CINE-GLOBE THEATRE. ADMISSION MAY BE REDUCED IF NO MOVIE IS SHOWING.

61. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT.

62. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. MY NAME IS CALHOUN TUBBS.

63. HARD FINGERS.

64. SEE, THAT'S 'CAUSE BACK IN 1947,

65. FOR OVER 36 HOURS STRAIGHT... FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

66. THAT'S RIGHT. I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.

67. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

68. YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME Y'ALL TO MY 75th ANNIVERSARY SHOW.

69. THAT'S RIGHT. SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS IN THE BUSINESS OF THE BLUES.

70. STILL TRYING TO MAKE IT. I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

71. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.

72. NOW YOU KNOW, I DONE KNOWN ALL THE GREATS.

73. MUDDY WATERS, HOWLIN' WOLF, JOHN LEE HOOKER.

74. BUT I AIN'T NEVER PLAYED WITH NONE OF 'EM. NO.

75. BUT I USED TO SEE 'EM WALKING DOWN THE STREET. I'D SAY, "HOW YOU DOIN', WOLF?"

76. AIN'T NEVER WAVED BACK. I EVEN KNEW STEPIN FETCHIT.

77. BOY, THAT BOY TALKED JUST LIKE A WHITE BOY... WHEN HE WASN'T WORKING.

78. BUT, YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE HE WAS KIND OF LIKE A GENIUS THAT WAY.

79. I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

80. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

81. BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA LET Y'ALL IN ON A SECRET.

82. SEE, YOU GOT TO HAVE YOU A GIMMICK TO MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS OF MUSIC.

83. IN AND THROUGHOUT MY ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER.

84. "PEG LEG" CALHOUN.

85. BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT TOO GOOD 'CAUSE MY FEET SWOLE UP SOMETHING AWFUL...

86. SITTIN' ON MY KNEECAPS ALL DAY.

87. THAT'S WHEN I SWITCHED TO "BLIND BOY" CALHOUN. THAT WORKED LIKE A CHARM, MAN.

88. STOLE ALL THE PENNIES OUT MY CUP.

89. I AIN'T WRITIN' NO SONG ABOUT THAT. BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.

90. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

91. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

92. I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL ARE SAYING. YOU SAYING,

93. "THIS OLD MAN, HE DON'T NEVER FINISH HIS SONGS."

94. NOW, SEE, THAT'S KINDA LIKE MY NEW GIMMICK.

95. NOW, SO FAR, I DONE WROTE OVER 12,000 NEW SONGS...

96. AND AIN'T NONE OF 'EM LONGER THAN 13 SECONDS.

97. BUT, YOU KNOW, THE MUSIC BUSINESS KEEP PASSING ME BY, MAN.

98. YES, SIR. BUT I GOTTA LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

99. I FIGURE I'VE BEEN A SUCCESS AT BEING A FAILURE FOR OVER 75 YEARS.

100. NOW THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING, AIN'T IT? WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

101. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

102. HELLO AGAIN. THIS IS FILM VAULT KING TED TURNER...

103. WITH MORE CLASSIC FILMS.

104. OF THE GRAPES OF WRATH.

105. LITTLE VIEW-MASTERS AND TRY TO MARKET THEM...

106. THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS ON 'EM.

107. NOW, I UNDERSTAND A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE AN INNATE RESPECT...

108. FOR THE ARTIST'S ORIGINAL VISION.

109. A RECEIPT OF PURCHASE.

110.

111. NOW HERE'S ANOTHER FILM I'VE WORKED THE OLD COLORIZING MAGIC ON.

112. MIGHT LIKE IT. MIGHT NOT.

113. EITHER WAY, I'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

114. MY NEW COLORIZED CLASSIC, THE AFRICAN QUEEN...

115. STARRING LITTLE RICHARD.

116. SEEMS LIKE A NATURAL, DOESN'T IT?

117. I'M STILL TED TURNER. JANE, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER...

118. FLOSS MY TEETH.

119. 22 MILLION BLACK VICTIMS OF AMERICANISM ARE WAKING UP.

120. THE PLAINTIFF, HACBAD MACBAR,

121. CONVENIENCE STORE,

122. AND SUFFERED UNDUE ANGUISH.

123. IN THE AMOUNT OF $850.

124. THE DEFENDANT... WHERE IS HE?

125. DON'T PUSH ME. I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

126. THE DEFENDANT, ANTON JACKSON, IS COUNTERSUING...

127. AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

128. THE AMOUNT HE'S SEEKING IS... $5?

129. ALL RISE, THE HONORABLE JUDGE WAPNER PRESIDING.

130. - COURT IS IN SESSION.

131. EXCUSE ME, YOUR MAJESTY.

132. AS YOU CAN SEE, I DO NOT HAVE ANY REPRESENTATION.

133. JACOBY AND MYERS...

134. BUT THEY WANTED A RETAINER.

135. AND I WASN'T ABOUT TO GIVE UP MY JOCKSTRAP TO NOBODY.

136. SO, I'D LIKE TO ACT AS MY OWN "EXECUTIONER" ON THIS HERE CASE.

137. MR. JACKSON, I ASSURE YOU YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY...

138. WHEN THE TIME COMES.

139. BUT, FOR NOW, YOU'LL HAVE TO ASSUME THE PROPER POSITION.

140. AH, MAN. AGAIN? DAMN.

141. LOOK, I ASSURE YOU, THE CHOKE HOLD WON'T BE NECESSARY.

142. - MR. JACKSON. - WHAT?

143. YOUR PROPER PLACE IN THE COURTROOM.

144. IF YOU NEED AN INTERPRETER, I'LL GET ONE FOR YOU.

145. - OKAY. - NOW, LET'S START WITH THE PLAINTIFF,

146. - MR. MACA— MAC— - MACBAR.

147. - MR. "COC-MAC." - MACBAR!

148. - STATE YOUR CASE. - WELL, YOUR HONOR, OKAY.

149. LAST WEDNESDAY, I NOTICED WE WERE RUNNING LOW ON BEER.

150. ONE OF THE FINEST FREEZERS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, MAY I—

151. OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR. THAT'S PURE CONJECTURE.

152. SUSTAINED.

153. I'M JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU.

154. - LET'S CONTINUE MR. ... "KNAPSACK." - MACBAR!

155. WHATEVER. ANYWAY, I GO INTO THE FREEZER TO GET SOME BEER.

156. ON THE ICE MACHINE... CHANGING HIS UNDERWEAR.

157. SAW THIS TOO. THEY START RUNNING OUT OF THE STORE,

158. AND I LOSE MUCH MONEY.

159.

160. I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

161. SOME PRIVACY, YOU UNDERSTAND?

162. MY SECOND SHOW.

163. SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DO. I'M A STREET PERFORMER.

164. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS ONCE HELD OVER AT CARNEGIE HALL.

165. FOR HOW LONG? UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVED?

166.

167. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, YOUR HONOR. "TILL THE POLICE ARRIVED?"

168. MR. JACKSON.

169. I'M GONNA PUT THAT IN MY ACT. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

170. MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH, YOUR HONOR? I GUESS SO.

171. YOU SEE, I WOULDN'T— WHOA!

172. OH, 'SCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR. I JUST HAD SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD.

173. MR. JACKSON, ONE MORE OUTBURST LIKE THAT, AND I'LL CLEAR THIS COURTROOM.

174. LIKE THAT, AND I'M SURE THE COURTROOM WILL CLEAR.

175. YOU WERE MAKING A POINT?

176. OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. MY POINT. EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

177. YOU EVER GET ONE THAT— TRY THIS.

178. - YEAH, THAT WORKED. THAT'S GOOD. - YOU KEEP IT.

179. WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH. MY CASE.

180. OKAY. NOW I NEED TO, FURTHERMORE, GET MY EVIDENCE TOGETHER.

181. PUT EVERYTHING OUT. HE SEEMS TO HAVE COME PREPARED.

182. HERE IT IS.

183. EXHIBIT "A."

184. - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? - THESE ARE MY UNDERWEAR.

185. THE SAME DRAWERS I HAD ON...

186. AT THE NIGHT IN QUESTION.

187. THE NIGHT WHEN MR.-- OVER THERE...

188. THAT'S RIGHT.

189. MR. LUNGIES KICKED ME IN MY ASS.

190. - YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! - THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING—

191. YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER, MR. JACKSON!

192. I'M OUT OF ORDER? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER. MR. "MAC-HAKS" OUT OF ORDER.

193. COURT SYSTEM'S OUT OF ORDER!

194. OH, THAT WAS A SCENE FROM AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

195. YOU KNOW, I WENT UP FOR THAT PART, BUT THEY BLACKBALLED ME.

196. - YOU WANNA SEE? - LOOK, HERE'S $20, OKAY?

197. HERE'S 20 BUCKS, GET OUT OF MY COURTROOM. DON'T EVER COME BACK.

198. WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.

199. I NEED THAT.

200. HERE COMES THE DEFENDANT NOW. UH, MR. JACKSON?

201. WHAT? MR. JACKSON, UH, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE RULING ON—

202. OH, GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

203. NAH, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

204. ON POOR PEOPLE'S COURT—

205. CAN I SING A SONG?

206. YEAH! ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

207. OUR SPECIAL GUESTS—

208. WHERE Y'ALL AT? COME ON OUT HERE.

209. OUR GUEST DANCERS, THE SOUL BROTHERS. THANKS FOR DROPPING IN.

210. SEE Y'ALL NEXT WEEK. GET OUTTA HERE.