1. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KEENEN IVORY WAYANS.
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2. WHAT'S UP?
HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
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3. ALL RIGHT, GOOD,
YOU READY TO HAVE SOME FUN? YEAH!
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4. ALL RIGHT, COOL, COOL.
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5. WELL, I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS
AND THIS IS IN LIVING COLOR.
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6. YOU KNOW, UH—
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7. YOU GUYS SOMETHING.
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8. MIKE TYSON INVITED ME TO COME,
LIKE, CHECK OUT HIS FIGHT.
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9. Y'ALL THINK IT'S A SETUP?
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10. I FIGURED I'D TELL THE WORLD
SO IF ANYTHING HAPPENS,
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11. WHAT'S UP, OKAY?
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12. BE WATCHING MY BACK.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, SAY HELLO TO MY D.J.-- S.W. ONE.
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13.
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14. MY FLY GIRLS,
STARTING OVER HERE WITH CARI,
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15. DEIDRE, CARRIE ANN,
MICHELLE AND LISA.
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16. ALL RIGHT,
GIVE US A FEW SECONDS, WE'LL BE BACK, SIT TIGHT.
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17. HIT IT.
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18. ARE YOU BORED? NOTHING TO DO?
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19. LIKE FAMILY NAP TIME? WELL, WAKE UP!
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20. IT'S TIME FOR FUN WITH
THE MICHAEL JACKSON POTATO HEAD KIT.
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21. THAT'S RIGHT.
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22. OF MICHAEL JACKSON...
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23. POTATO HEAD KIT.
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24. FOUR HUNDRED MOLDED,
PLASTIC FACIAL FEATURES...
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25. MICHAEL'S EVER-CHANGING FACE...
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26. HIS PLASTIC SURGERY OPERATIONS.
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27. POTATO HEAD LOOK LIKE HE LOOKED...
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28. THE JACKSON FIVE, WITH A STRONG AFRO-AMERICAN NOSE...
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29. AND A BIG 'FRO.
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30. INTO THE MICHAEL OF APRIL, 1986,
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31. HIS THIRD NOSE JOB,
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32. CHEEKBONE RECONSTRUCTION...
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33. ADDED TO HIS CHIN.
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34. NOW, KEEPING THE APRIL 1986 FACE AS IT IS,
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35. WITH HAIRPIECE NUMBER 139-D...
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36. AND LOOK WHO YOU'VE JUST MADE.
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37. IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON'S
OWN IDOL— DIANA ROSS!
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38. NOW, JUST ADD
MOLE NUMBER FIVE-D,
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39. AND YOU'VE MADE MICHAEL'S
FABULOUS SISTER, JANET.
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40. TAKE AWAY THE NOSE COMPLETELY,
AND YOU'VE JUST MADE LATOYA.
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41. LOOK, EVERYBODY!
I'VE MADE MICHAEL LOOK...
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42. ON THE FRONT OF HIS BAD ALBUM.
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43. THAT'S GREAT, SON.
BUT YOU KNOW, SOMETHING'S JUST NOT QUITE RIGHT.
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44. I KNOW.
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45. THAT'S RIGHT.
WITH JUST AN ORDINARY KITCHEN VEGETABLE PEELER,
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46. YOU CAN SIMULATE MICHAEL'S
CHEMICAL FACE PEEL AND DERMABRASION SCRUBS.
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47. YOUR FAMILY'S IMAGINATION.
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48. THE MAXIO FACIALARY FUN.
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49. POTATO HEAD KIT FROM DEM-CO.
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50. ACCESSORY SOLD SEPARATELY.
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51. HE'S A LOVER, HE'S A FIGHTER.
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52. HE'S KEENEN
AND DAMON'S BROTHER.
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53. YOU'VE SEEN HIM SPIN RECORDS
ON IN LIVING COLOR.
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54. IN HIS SCREEN DEBUT.
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55. THE WAYANS COMPANY,
IN ASSOCIATION WITH TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE,
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56. IS PROUD TO PRESENT S.W. ONE
IN DISC JOCKEY, DEATH JOCKEY.
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57. A THEATER NEAR YOU.
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58. WE'LL BE THERE.
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59. THE "AMBIQUITY" THAT I FEEL...
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60. NEVER JUSTIFIES ITSELF.
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61. THERE'S ALWAYS THE PUNGENT ODOR
OF LIFE'S CONSTIPATION...
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62. CONFLICTS WITH THE DETRIMENTAL INSTABILITY,
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63. HITHERTO FORE, SIX-EIGHT,
WHO DO WE APPRECIATE,
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64. THE UNIFICATION OF CONGRESS—
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65. EXCUSE ME. CONDOMS—
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66. OF PROFANITY...
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67. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
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68. HERE, LET ME
DIGRESS MY BOWELS FOR A MINUTE...
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69. THE NONDESCRIPT HERNIA...
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70. OF FETAL, OR FECAL,
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71. YOUR HEAD IS AT.
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72. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.
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73. BY THE POMPOUS FEDORA...
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74. THE EQUILIBRIUM FORTIFIED...
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75. BY THE GOVERNMENT'S INABILITY
TO ERADICATE,
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76. OR FORESHADOW, TAKEN FROM
THE HEBREW WORD— FORESKIN.
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77. PAID FOR BY...
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78. NOW, EDNA LOUISE,
I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN...
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79. WRITE AN APOLOGY LETTER TO MR. FERGUSON.
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80. PULLING OFF THE PRINCIPAL'S
HAIRPIECE WAS NOT VERY NICE.
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81. YEAH, BUT SURE WAS FUNNY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
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82. I SAID, SURE, HONEY.
DON'T BE A SMARTY-PANTS.
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83. AS FOR YOU, PARNELL, THERE'LL
BE NO TALKING FROM YOU. YOU'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS.
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84. PARNELL, YOU'RE IN
ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS.
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85. HEY, IT'S YOUR FAULT
I'M IN HERE, EDNA.
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86. HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
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87. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE
MRS. KEY MY CHOCOLATE BAR IN THE FIRST PLACE.
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88. IT WAS A LAXATIVE, PUKUS-MAXIMUS!
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89. YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE.
BLOW IT OUT YOUR HINEY-HORN!
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90. GOOD ONE.
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91. DEAR MR. FERGUSON,
I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE BALDHEADED...
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92. WITH THAT UGLY WIG THAT DOESN'T FOOL ANYBODY.
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93. THAT YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY...
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94. AND NOBODY LIKES YOU,
NOT EVEN YOUR WIFE,
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95. SMELLS LIKE ROADKILL.
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96. ACCEPT MY APOLOGY. EDNA LOUISE.
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97. THERE.
I THINK HE'LL LIKE IT.
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98. HEY, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING, BARF-A-SAURUS.
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99. IN YOUR WEB OF INTRIGUE. PARNELL, LOOK.
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100. DANCE WITH THE DEAD!
DANCE WITH THE DEAD! DANCE WITH THE DEAD!
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101. OF BIOLOGICAL PETRIFICATION...
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102. SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES ONLY.
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103. OH, YEAH? WELL, I THINK
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOM. DOES NOT!
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104. DOES TOO!
HEY, MRS. PARNELL, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT.
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105. YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU AND THAT BUTT-HEAD SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME BONE STRUCTURE.
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106. TO DANCE OVER HERE?
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107. DANCE WITH THE DEAD!
DANCE WITH THE— UH-OH!
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108. HEY, PARNELL.
WAY TO GO!
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109. PARNELL?
PARNELL? PARNELL? PARNELL? I'M NOT LISTENING!
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110. YES, YOU ARE.
AM NOT.
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111. ARE SO.
AM NOT.
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112. ARE SO.
AM NOT.
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113. ARE SO!
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114. YOU BETTER STOP—
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115. I HATE IT WHEN—
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116. I SORTA—
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117. MRS. KEEGAN!
MRS. KEEGAN!
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118. HEY, PARNELL, HERE'S
MY IMPRESSION OF YOU.
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119.
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120. SHUT UP.
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121. MY TEETH DON'T
LOOK LIKE THAT. THEY DO SO!
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122. WATCH OUT, EVERYONE!
HERE COMES PARNELL'S TEETH!
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123. THEY'LL EAT YOU UP!
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124. HEY, PARNELL, LOOK!
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125.
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126. FOR DOG WEENIE.
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127. I'M SURE.
PARNELL, LOOK AT THIS.
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128. IT'S MY OLD FRIEND,
TOADY WOADY NOADY GOADY. RIBBIT!
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129. IT'S NOT A TOAD, IT'S A FROG.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND. OH, DUH.
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130. I DO TOO.
IT'S A DEAD FROG.
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131. IT'S A SOUTH AMERICAN
SPECKLED LEAPER,
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132. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISS.
OH, PARNELL.
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133. YOU ARE SO SMART.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YEAH?
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134. YOU KNOW WHAT, PARNELL?
I HEARD THAT IF YOU, UM,
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135. AND YOUR HAND IS BIGGER,
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136. THAT MEANS YOU'RE
SUPER-INTELLIGENT.
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137. I'M REALLY A GENIUS. - NOT!
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138. OH, WAY TO GO, EDNA!
NOW MY NOSE IS STARTING TO BLEED!
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139. PARNELL. PARNELL,
HEY, I KNOW HOW TO FIX A NOSEBLEED.
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140. HOW?
YOU HAVE TO LIE ON A FLAT SURFACE.
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141. HERE, YOU BETTER LIE
ON MISS KEEGAN'S DESK. WHAT?
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142. YOUR LEGS UP IN THE AIR.
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143. SOMETHING IN-BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
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144. HAVE TO PLUG YOUR EARS UP...
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145. AND YOU HAVE TO SAY,
"SNOT, SNOT," OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
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146. THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
IT IS TOO! JUST DO IT! SNOT, SNOT, SNOT.
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147. OH! SNOT, SNOT,
SNOT, SNOT, SNOT,
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148. SNOT, SNOT,
SNOT, SNOT, SNOT...
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149. - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- MRS. KEEGAN,
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150. TO THE EDUCATIVE PROCESS.
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151. COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS MIND. I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT.
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152. - ... SNOT, SNOT, SNOT, SNOT...
- EDNA. EDNA LOUISE, GET YOUR BOOKS.
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153. EDNA, GET YOUR BOOKS.
COME ON. SHH.
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154. I THINK WE'D
BETTER LEAVE VERY QUIETLY. PARNELL IS HAVING PROBLEMS.
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155. YES. YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE,
MRS. KEEGAN?
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156. I THINK I'D BETTER STAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL TOMORROW,
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157. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH
A TERRIBLE TRAUMA. SNOT, SNOT, SNOT, SNOT.
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158. WELCOME TO UNCLE JOE'S FAIRYTALES AND BARBECUE RECIPES.
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159. NOT SO FAR AWAY, THERE LIVED A GAL NAMED RAPUNZLE.
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160. SHE WAS PRETTY.
I MEAN, SHE WAS FINE.
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161. BUT HER DADDY DIDN'T WANT
ANY OF THE YOUNG MEN TO MESS WITH HER.
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162. HUH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
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163. SO THAT NOBODY COULD GET TO HER.
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164. RAPUNZLE! RAPUNZLE!
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165. FAIRER THAN THEE.
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166. ON FIRST,
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THEE,
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167. PORTEND, MY FAIR MAIDEN,
AND LET ME PROVE THYSELF TO THOU.
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168. AND COULD FLY UP TO THEE.
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169. SOAR ON WINGS OF LOVE...
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170. FOR THEE, FAIR MAIDEN,
RAPUNZLE!
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171. I AIN'T UNDERSTOOD
A WORD YOU SAID.
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172. RAPUNZLE DON'T
LIVE HERE NO MORE. SHE GOT EVICTED.
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173. BATWINDA MOLICA HIGHTOWER JR.
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174. AND I ON THE CUSP OF VIRGO.
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175. SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST COME ON UP HERE AND BUST THAT RESCUE MOVE?
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176. LOOK HERE, BABY, UH,
THROW DOWN THOSE CURLY LOCKS,
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177. AND I'LL CLIMB ON UP
AND WE'LL GET BUSY.
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178. OUCH! OHH!
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179. DAMN HAIR WEAVE!
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180. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
PULLED IT SO HARD, STUPID!
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181. GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
I'M HUBERT—
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182. NO, I'M-I'M FRED—
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183. AM I RON O'NEIL?
DON CORNELIUS.
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184. DON CORNELIUS.
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185. ALL THE WAY FROM ETHIOPIA.
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186. THAT'S ENGLAND.
ENGLAND. ETHIOPIA, ENGLAND.
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187. BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT,
LET'S GET TO THIS, A GROUP—
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188. OF THE GROUP.
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189. FINE ONE CARNIVAL.
FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS.
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190. THAT'S RIGHT,
FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS.
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191. BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT,
LET'S GET TO A GROOVE...
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192. THAT'S SURE ENOUGH GONNA
MAKE YOU WANT TO BOOGIE WHILE YOU WOOGIE, BOOGIE—
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193. ON THE DANCE FLOOR!
ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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194. MY MAIN MAN, FAT G.
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195. THAT'S HEAVY D!
AND THE BOYS.
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196. AND RIGHT NOW,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET TWO MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY.
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197. OLD TRAIN DANCERS.
YES, TWO OF THE OLD TRAIN DANCERS.
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198. AND YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN?
METHUSELAH.
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199. AND YOU?
JANE PITTMAN.
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200. AS YOU BOTH KNOW,
YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS...
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201. THE NAME OF A VERY FAMOUS TALKING HORSE.
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202. AND I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT—
IT'S NOT LIONEL RICHIE.
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203. AND WHILE THEY DO THAT,
WE'LL DO THIS.
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204. YES. AND YOU ARE?
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205. ♪ DRIVES ME CRAZY AND I— ♪ YES, AND YOU?
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206. OH, YES, YES.
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207. YOU ALL MUST BE...
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208. VERY... VERY PROUD
OF YOUR SUCCESS.
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209. WELL, WE FIRST STARTED OUT—
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210. AND DO ANOTHER SONG FOR US?
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211. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GIVE IT UP FOR FINE ONE MAMMAL.
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212. YES, THAT'S
ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR BOOGEYING TODAY.
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213. AND I'M DON... CORLEONE.
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214. AND, AS USUAL,
IT'S ALWAYS IN PARTING...
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215. THAT WE WISH YOU LOVE,
PEACE AND...
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216. SOUL!
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217. GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
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218. I'M ROGER SPITTMAN FOR
THE WILD WORLD OF SPORTS.
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219. THE FINAL ROUND...
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220. SWEETHEARTS BODYBUILDING COMPETITION...
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221. LAS VEGAS, NEVADA.
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222. IT'S THE GREASED-UP POSE
PORTION OF THE SHOW.
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223. PRETTY FIERCE HERE.
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224. OUR FIRST COMPETITOR.
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225. SHE'S SARA SUNKIST
FROM SALAMANDER, CALIFORNIA.
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226.
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227. THIS IS HER FIRST FINALS,
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228. NOT A LOT OF MUSCLE MASS,
AND STILL QUITE FEMININE.
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229. AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I DON'T LIKE THAT AND NEITHER DO THE JUDGES.
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230. SHE'S GONNA HAVE
A TOUGH TIME HERE TODAY.
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231. NEXT IS CARLA MEALS.
SHE'S 5 FOOT 7, 140 POUNDS,
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232. FROM BEAVERTON, WISCONSIN.
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233. PRETTY GOOD DEFINITION.
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234. BUT SHE'S HAVING TROUBLE GETTING
RID OF THOSE DARN BREASTS,
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235. AND THAT'S GONNA
COUNT AGAINST HER.
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236. I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
THEY JUST WON'T GO AWAY.
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237. AND FINALLY, THE COMPETITOR
EVERYONE'S BEEN WAITING TO SEE. VERA! VERA! VERA!
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238. VERA! VERA! VERA!
VERA! VERA! VERA! YOU CAN FEEL THE ANTICIPATION.
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239. OH, BOY!
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240. OH, BOY!
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241. YEAH! WHAT AN ENTRANCE!
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242. THE LADY, THE CONTROVERSY,
THE PRODUCTION.
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243. DeMILO.
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244. OH, SHE IS AWESOME!
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245. SOME SAY SHE'S GONE TOO FAR,
BUT I HAVE TO DISAGREE.
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246. OF COURSE, SHE'S THE ONLY
WOMAN ON THE CIRCUIT WHO GOES TO THE BATHROOM STANDING UP.
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247. OH, YEAH,
SHE IS WORKING IT TONIGHT.
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248. SHE IS IN TOP—
OH! OH! LOOK THERE! THERE SHE GOES.
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249. THE PREGNANT OBSTETRIC PUSH.
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250. IT'S HER ODE TO
THE MYSTERY OF MOTHERHOOD.
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251. OH, BABY!
SHE IS HARD AS A ROCK!
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252. MAGNIFICENT!
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253.
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254. AFTER A PERFORMANCE LIKE THAT,
CAN THERE BE ANY DOUBT? NO!
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255. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE JUDGES HAVE COME TO A DECISION.
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256. AND THE WINNER IS...
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257. DeMILO!
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258. ON A GREAT VICTORY FOR YOU, PRINCESS.
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259. THAT YOU HAVE USED STEROIDS.
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260. UH, DO YOU CARE TO COMMENT
ON THAT, LITTLE LADY?
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261. YES, I WOULD, ROGER.
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262. I DON'T KNOW WHO'S
STARTING THOSE RUMORS,
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263. ARE A LOT OF JEALOUS PEOPLE OUT THERE...
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264. WHO AREN'T WILLING
TO DO THE WORK IT TAKES TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
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265. LET'S FACE IT, WOMEN SEE ME,
THEY WANT TO BE ME.
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266. WELL SAID. WELL SAID.
COULD YOU JUST TELL ME ONE MORE THING THEN, VERA?
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267. SURE.
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268. I GOT TO ASK YOU THIS.
UH, WHAT IS THAT BULGE IN FRONT OF YOUR TROUSERS?
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269. NOW, NOW.
A GIRL'S GOT TO HAVE HER LITTLE SECRETS.
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270.
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271. THAT'S WHERE I KEEP
MY CHEWING TOBACCO.
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272. STILL HAVE THAT WONDERFULLY FEMININE SENSE OF HUMOR.
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273. OH, THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND
AND TRAINER, BART. AND-AND WHAT A LUCKY MAN.
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274. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BABY.
LOOK AT HER! ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL? OH! OH!
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275. VERA! VERA! VERA! VERA! VERA!
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276. VERA! VERA!
THERE YOU HAVE IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
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277. A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
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278. FOR WILD WORLD OF SPORTS,
I'M ROGER SPITTMAN. CATCH YOU NEXT TIME.
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279. VERA! VERA! VERA!
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280. THANK YOU.
HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
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281. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME AROUND.
TAKE CARE. BYE-BYE!
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