Impractical Jokers 6x17

1. What did you take home, three different girls last night

2. 'cause of me?

3. My friend just texted me,

4. "I just saw your balls on the news."

5. Prepare for something amazing.

6. Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

7. I want my mommy!

8. I will never forgive you!

9. Larry!

10. Today, we're sitting

11. in a waiting room at Focus Pointe Global

12. showing our text messages to strangers.

13. Except that the embarrassing texts that we're getting

14. have been sent to us by the other guys.

15. The goal is to get the stranger to help you write a reply,

16. and if they don't, you lose.

17. Oh, sorry, I was texting.

18. What are we doing? Of course he was.

19. What's with that sweater?

20. What's wrong with it?

21. I got this with you guys, on tour.

22. He fell for it. You shouldn't listen to us.

23. Turn the collar up for a second.

24. Yeah.

25. You look like you're being born.

26. Oh, here we go.

27. Fire up them texting fingers, buddy. All right.

28. Which focus group are you here for?

29. Um...

30. Oh, okay. Okay.

31. New text coming in. Me, uh, the —

32. Oh, excuse me one second.

33. I'm sorry.

34. Read it out loud.

35. Oh, man.

36. This is my buddy.

37. His mother has a very large nose.

38. It almost looks like a deviated septum, you know?

39. And she kind of talks...

40. I mean, he's taking it the wrong way, though.

41. I got to write a — oh, geez.

42. Right? Thank you.

43. "You're a terrific guy."

44. Oh, here we go.

45. I did a hashtag.

46. I didn't say her name or my buddy's name,

47. but I did #honkers.

48. I said, "Dude, I'm so sorry.

49. You weren't meant to see that.

50. But my offer is real."

51. Here you go.

52. Oh! Ah, geez.

53. "Ah, geez."

54. Do it, do it.

55. He's going for it.

56. I'll write, "Oh, yeah?"

57. Oh, my God, this guy's perfect. Oh!

58. Dude, give me a "yo mama" joke to write back.

59. I got to defend myself, here.

60. Not only does he have the guy's help,

61. but the guy is literally helping him

62. insult someone's mother.

63. Your mama's so fat...

64. "Your mama's so fat..."

65. she looks like she ate a live human being.

66. I hope that was his side job.

67. Wait, wait, wait!

68. He beat me to it. Are you kidding me?

69. He just wrote...

70. How is that...

71. This is some "Carbonaro" going on here.

72. I'm writing him back.

73. "I win in the long run, jerks."

74. Send.

75. I've written the first text.

76. Oh. Oh, boy, what do we got here?

77. That's text you don't want to get.

78. What?

79. Shoot.

80. Oh!

81. Nothing outrageous, you know,

82. just a little light revenge.

83. Oh, is this another one?

84. Yeah, I kind of lost the dog in the breakup.

85. So, what I did is, had my friend start dating her,

86. and I have a look-alike dog.

87. So, the plan is to, like... swap the dogs.

88. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

89. The saga continues.

90. What am I supposed to do? He switched them.

91. He's loving it.

92. He's, like, loving the situation he finds himself in.

93. What do you do in this situation?

94. I love this guy! I love him!

95. Q, good job, man. Good job.

96. You're really saving my bacon, here, pal.

97. Hold up. One more text, one more text.

98. Put — put — ah — ah, give me a phone.

99. Somebody give me a phone. Somebody give me another phone.

100. Start barking. Start barking.

101. I'll start barking. I'll start barking. Ready?

102. You go, "Get off me, get off me."

103. I'm the cop, you're the guy, you're the dog.

104. Brian, It's me. I'm running with the dog.

105. Put your hands where I can see them!

106. Man, I loved that dog.

107. Oh. Oh, boy, what do we got here?

108. Brian, it's me.

109. I'm running with the dog. I'm running!

110. Put your hands where I can see them!

111. I'm innocent! I'm innocent!

112. Put your hands where I can see them, now!

113. Yeah, but you said, "Take the dog and run."

114. But when I said "Take the dog and run,"

115. I didn't literally mean "run."

116. Well, that's what I told him!

117. I know how to get out of this.

118. "New phone... who dis?"

119. That'll get us out of this.

120. Well-done, Q.

121. Are you doing the dental focus group?

122. I got it. I got it. I got — here we go.

123. I did it a couple times. It's cool. It's easy.

124. It's like 15 minutes.

125. Oh, got a text here.

126. It says...

127. Oh! Uh!

128. Oh, yeah, I can see the confusion.

129. I mean, Christmas is something universal.

130. Everybody celebrates in some fashion, you know?

131. Yeah. I mean, it's out there in the commercial world and...

132. Here we go. Here we go.

133. Oh.

134. Yeah...

135. That's well-played, there.

136. You went for the kill.

137. It still says it.

138. Oh, my God, I've never seen Joe this way!

139. Staring at it's not gonna change it, Joe.

140. Oh.

141. It still says it.

142. Staring at it's not gonna change it, Joe.

143. Are they ready for me?

144. He's out. He's out.

145. What, you guys don't think I'm gonna say it?

146. Oh! Oh, no.

147. I would suggest you not say it.

148. Don't you dare.

149. "Also, super odd that you would do

150. a black Santa when you're white."

151. Oh.

152. All that worrying for nothing.

153. What should I write back to that one?

154. Wow. Thank you for that.

155. I appreciate that. That's well-said.

156. Sal, the texts begin now.

157. Oh, man.

158. My friend just texted me,

159. "I just saw your balls on the news."

160. Ugh. 'Cause I know what he's talking about.

161. A bunch of bullies from the neighborhood tied me

162. to the goalpost over at the school, there,

163. and they pulled my pants down.

164. So, they videotaped it, and they put it on YouTube.

165. Yeah.

166. I guess it went viral, and now, he did probably saw —

167. Oh, here we go. New text!

168. I live by the school,

169. and the eighth graders do this thing, you know,

170. a spring-break ritual tradition

171. where they haze people.

172. And I work on that block, so I pass the schoolyard.

173. All of a sudden, before you know it,

174. I'm on the goalpost of the soccer field.

175. And then, they did the Snapchat and everything.

176. And then, they put a cat face on my balls and all that stuff.

177. They thought it was funny, like,

178. they put all the filters on my balls and stuff.

179. New text coming in.

180. Okay. Oh, what is this now?

181. A video. Look at this.

182. "Dude, saw your balls on TV!

183. You're famous, bro!

184. Balls! Balls! Balls!

185. Yeah.

186. I can't get it to stop.

187. This thing won't stop. It's on loop.

188. That's the big issue is that

189. she is the one that's not enforcing anything.

190. She's not even recognizing the fact that his phone

191. is just yelling, "Balls!"

192. You know what I'm saying?

193. What's the word?

194. Balls! Balls! Balls!

195. "Balls"?

196. No.

197. Taveres. Taveres Jackson?

198. Are you guys — Oh, wait.

199. Don't even say it. Are you kidding me?

200. You're the balls guy!

201. Oh, my God. Aw, man.

202. Dude!

203. Balls! Guys, "Balls" is here!

204. Laugh at it. "Balls," like... Just laugh at it.

205. Just laugh at it. Just laugh at it.

206. I just want to save face.

207. What would be a good thing to tell them back

208. where it just puts this to bed for now?

209. And after all that, she didn't help you write back.

210. Sal's not LOLing

211. because he's first up on the loser board.

212. Tonight, we're competing head-to-head

213. at a single's mixer hosted by the dating app Bumble.

214. One of us will be trying to get a girl's number

215. while the other guy plays his wingman.

216. Catch is, the wingman will be doing

217. everything he can to sabotage the other guy's chances.

218. If you get a phone number, you win.

219. If you don't get a number, the wingman wins.

220. We're back in the game, boys.

221. Don't tell my wife.

222. Murr's trying to get a number.

223. Yeah, and Q's got to sabotage him.

224. Anything you dish out, I can explain away.

225. Oh, you think you got that, huh? Guaranteed.

226. Okay, watch this. Excuse me, excuse me.

227. My friend's been staring at you for 20 minutes.

228. He won't stop. It's weird, and I apologize for that.

229. I have. I have. You are so beautiful,

230. and I can't — I'm sort of shy.

231. And we're in. He's my wingman tonight, so...

232. Oh, I'm the wingman, yeah.

233. Yeah, like, just last night alone, what did you take home,

234. three different girls last night 'cause of me?

235. No, no, no, no, no.

236. I drive for Uber. I'm an Uber driver.

237. Oh. I took three different girls home.

238. Oh, nice.

239. You were saying that the girls here are too old.

240. Like, I feel like the old one.

241. Ouch!

242. See, you were saying that the girls here are too old.

243. Like, I feel like the old one.

244. Nice, Q.

245. Ouch.

246. He thought you were 32.

247. Um, but — I mean...

248. That's the game. That is the game.

249. Can I get your phone number?

250. Oh. Oh, yeah.

251. You're not in my age group?

252. So, wait, what just happened?

253. Well-played.

254. Best in the business.

255. There's two right there. Two bitties right there.

256. "Two bitties."

257. You went old school, like when we used to hang out.

258. To be clear, Joe used to say "bitties."

259. Are you two on a date

260. or are you gonna start talking to other people?

261. Where'd you get them egg rolls?

262. Where do you get them?

263. Hey. How are you?

264. This is my friend Sal.

265. What are we drinking? Jameson and ginger ale.

266. Oh, Jameson and ginger ale.

267. Yeah, he used to be a bartender.

268. So, he started —

269. Well, I owned the bar.

270. No more Jameson for me.

271. Oh, they own a bar? Do you go there a lot?

272. It's in Guam. You've been to Guam.

273. Yeah, I've been to Guam three times.

274. I know the, uh — the, uh — not the mayor of Guam —

275. what's it called? The ambassador.

276. The ambassador.

277. That's right, yeah. So...

278. Okay, 'cause...

279. Joe is trying to undercut Sal's credibility.

280. The governor. The governor. Yeah.

281. The governor and his family is friends with my family.

282. So, it's just weird that you're from Guam

283. 'cause I wrote to the governor yesterday.

284. Yeah. Tell her about your depression.

285. Nice one, Joey.

286. I used to be depressed.

287. So, can he get your number?

288. You want to give him your number?

289. I didn't — he's just kidding.

290. Anybody want to give him your number?

291. I would love it.

292. Really? Okay. Oh!

293. I know he's being forward, but that's cool.

294. Hey, why I'm here. I'm your wingman.

295. Murr and Joe don't need a date

296. because they're keeping each other company

297. on the loser board.

298. Today, we're at Lot-Less,

299. and Q and I are feeling awfully down.

300. What's bothering us?

301. Oh, don't worry. Sal and I are gonna tell you.

302. Yeah, and then, after we tell you,

303. you have to go up to a shopper

304. and get them to encourage you, no matter what we say.

305. I can't do it, man. Well, if you can't, you lose.

306. Oh, this guy looks depressed.

307. Oh, that's Q.

308. Aw, you look down, bud.

309. Q, you sure you don't want to play this game for real?

310. And just, like, you know, just tell somebody

311. what you're feeling so down about?

312. That's Classic Steakhouse?

313. Oh, okay, thank you.

314. You know what, I'm just having the worst day.

315. "I'm having trouble with the neighborhood bully."

316. I'm having trouble with my neighborhood bully.

317. He's not bothering me. No, no, no, he's not bothering me.

318. I'm paying him to bully my daughter.

319. I'm paying him to toughen up my daughter.

320. But I don't think he's harsh enough.

321. I don't think he's —

322. Wait. It's a dog-eat-dog world.

323. No, no.

324. This is called "discouragement and abandonment."

325. So, you think I've wasted $5,000?

326. No.

327. That was the clearest loss we've ever had.

328. Do you know if these are any good?

329. It's to cheer me up.

330. "I've been writing a letter

331. for the past six months, every day."

332. For the past six months, every day, I've been writing a letter.

333. "And I can't get Danica McKellar to write me back."

334. And I can't get Danica McKellar to read it.

335. Do you know who Danica McKellar is?

336. Do you remember the TV show "The Wonder Years"

337. in the '80s? Remember? Yeah.

338. You know, Winnie Cooper, who was the little girl?

339. That's Danica McKellar. I still have a crush on her.

340. I've been writing her a letter every day for six months —

341. 1821/2 letters —

342. and she just hasn't written me back.

343. So, that's my situation.

344. What do you think?

345. Well, that's neither here nor there.

346. Writing letters.

347. Yeah, 182.

348. That would be discouraging my current behavior,

349. and that's the opposite of what I need, here.

350. That's discouraging. That's discouraging.

351. Murr's gonna need all the encouragement he can get,

352. 'cause he's about to be punished.

353. All right, all right.

354. Somebody's missing.

355. Oh, there's a reason for that.

356. We've talked about, for years,

357. shaving Q's head to his scalp

358. and making a wig out of his luscious locks

359. and forcing Murray to wear it.

360. Yeah. But here's the thing — we're about to do that,

361. and Murray's gonna have to wear it

362. for the rest of the season.

363. Okay, have a seat. Let's get Andrew in here.

364. We're bringing in our friend Andrew of Andrew DiSimone Wigs.

365. What's up, Q? How you doing? Good. Listen —

366. Best in the business? That's right, baby.

367. 'Cause I don't trust this hair to just anybody.

368. No problem.

369. Oh, the front's the first?

370. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

371. You look crazy!

372. Wow. Oh, my God.

373. There it is. Wow.

374. You look like a complete psychopath right now.

375. Baby steps through. Baby steps through.

376. Come on, what's going on?

377. Here we go.

378. Aah! What is this?

379. Oh, my God!

380. No, no! That hair's going on that head.

381. You know how we always said

382. how funny it'd be to make a wig of his hair

383. that you have to wear for the rest of the season?

384. That was a joke, guys! Oh, that was no joke!

385. And here we are.

386. Here it is? This is it. Release the kraken.

387. Let's do this. One...

388. two, three.

389. Oh, my God!

390. And here we are. Here it is?

391. This is it. Release the kraken.

392. Let's do this. One...

393. two, three.

394. Oh, my God!

395. It's got the wave.

396. Q: Oh, my God.

397. Ew! Whoa!

398. Oh, my God. All right, here we go.

399. All right. Here we go. Turn around.

400. You got to turn around.

401. Don't look! You're looking over my shoulder.

402. I saw you!

403. Oh, my God!

404. On three, turn around.

405. One, two, three.

406. Is it bad?

407. Oh, my God!

408. Oh, my God.

409. So, Murr, you have to go get a passport photo.

410. We made you get a driver's-license photo

411. when you had no hair on your head.

412. And now we're making you get a passport photo

413. when you have that.

414. Stop screwing with my travel!

415. How long does a passport — isn't it like 10 years?

416. 10 years.

417. So, you just have to go ask people

418. where the passport office is.

419. Q: I don't think you're ready for the responsibility

420. of having great hair like that.

421. You think it's just flipping around looking sexy, it's not.

422. With great hair comes great responsibility.

423. Yeah, you got that right, pal.

424. It smells like Q.

425. What does it smell like?

426. It smells like whiskey and pot.

427. All you got to do is find the passport place, buddy.

428. I'm in a hairy situation.

429. I got to get a new passport fast.

430. I'm choking on my hair.

431. Oh, okay. I got plenty more, so it's okay.

432. It's okay.

433. When you go there, is it free or do you have to pay?

434. You have to pay.

435. Q, how did you have this on your head?

436. This is day one. Yeah.

437. This is months.

438. We're coming into the summertime, too.

439. Do I have to comb it? Do I have to wash it?

440. No, you can't wash it or comb it.

441. That's as fresh as the hair's gonna be, right now.

442. It's only getting worse, is your point?

443. It's deteriorating. It's like me.

444. So, that's it.

445. Now you got to go get a passport photo.

446. Guess what came in.

447. Is this my passport?

448. No!

449. Oh, my God.

450. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.

451. Wow. You are never getting through TSA.

452. Oh, my God.

453. Do you have your license on you?

454. Look at this. You know what's funny?

455. When he doesn't have the hair

456. and he shows this, they're gonna be like,

457. "What? Do you have anything else?"

458. And it's that.

459. He takes the license out.

460. You need two proofs of ID? Here you go.

461. Well, the good news is, your hair came in really nice.