Impractical Jokers 0x2

1. Aah!

2. Let's just get this started.

3. Are you kidding me?

4. Who's a good guy?

5. With special guest, post malone.

6. Me? I don't think he should have done that.

7. Today, we're at the american dream mall

8. Asking shoppers to mind their manners.

9. We'll be giving etiquette advice to people

10. That didn't even ask for it.

11. If you can't deliver your advice to people, you lose.

12. Are you guys kidding me? We just talked about etiquette.

13. We talked about their etiquette.

14. Guys, this is a hard challenge, right?

15. Yeah, it's gonna be.

16. Sounds like a job for... Hard jimmy.

17. Sal and q: Oh!

18. The return of — that's where you've been.

19. What if we just did a switcheroo where we made you wear

20. Jiggy's jacket and, like, a baseball cap for this turn?

21. Let's do it.

22. Nicknames. They're fun. Hard jimmy.

23. Murr, you're looking dangerously close

24. To a person I'd hang out with.

25. Watch yourself.

26. Get back in those cotton dockers with pleats.

27. Oh, see this kid over there that's swirling the chair?

28. Yeah.

29. Just get his mom, please.

30. Oh, god.

31. Hi.

32. "control him, please."

33. Do me — can you do me a favor?

34. He's never gonna do it.

35. Q: Yeah, he's insane if he does it.

36. Control him, please. Okay.

37. Right?

38. He's just a little out of control

39. With the swinging around the chair.

40. Keep him under control. Q: Oh!

41. Hey, buddy.

42. hard jimmy.

43. Hard jimmy.

44. Q: Alright, murr, the guy in the blue shirt there,

45. Just go up to him and be like, "hey,

46. Come on, come on, get off the phone."

47. Hey, hey, come on. Get off the phone.

48. - Yeah, right. - No, seriously.

49. Get off the phone? Get off the phone.

50. "etiquette, bro. Etiquette."

51. - Why are you asking me that? - You know, it's good etiquette.

52. Why don't you do me a favor?

53. Yeah.

54. Why don't you go yourself?

55. How's that sound?

56. Yes! Hard jimmy out.

57. What are you, nuts? Are you a psychopath?

58. You know what it is? I'm talking my little girl.

59. Are you crazy? Oh, that's great. You have a little girl?

60. That's excellent. Why don't you mind your business?

61. That's great. You're gonna get your ass kicked one day.

62. Q: "no cussing."

63. Back the up. Also...

64. Back up, whacko. Also, no cussing. No cussing.

65. I'm warning you. Just curse less.

66. Especially with a kid on the phone.

67. Q: Oh, my god!

68. Hard jimmy.

69. Whoo, man, hard jimmy.

70. Damn, hard jimmy.

71. Murr, murr, murr.

72. He's going to security.

73. He's jawing at you still, dude.

74. He is heated.

75. He's saying you're crazy, cuckoo.

76. Ooh!

77. Guys, should I go calm him down?

78. Oh, god. Oh, god.

79. Dude...

80. Holy shit, it is you!

81. It is you!

82. He didn't even recognize him!

83. Hard jimmy! Hard jimmy! He didn't recognize him.

84. He was hard jimmy.

85. I was like, "what is this guy telling me?

86. I'm talking to my daughter."

87. I can't believe it's you, man.

88. So funny that the hat was like clark kent's glasses.

89. Hard jimmy.

90. Q: Oh, man. Hard jimmy survived.

91. Alright, q, it's a lovely day in the mall,

92. And it's your job to teach people some manners today.

93. If there's one thing I think of when I think of q,

94. I think of proper etiquette.

95. Q, you see the woman in yoga pants?

96. Yeah, I see her.

97. - Sit next to her real quick. - No.

98. Come on, man.

99. "excuse me. I hate to bother you."

100. Excuse me. I hate to bother you.

101. I don't normally do this, but...

102. "keep yoga pants at the gym."

103. Uh, you know? Oh, my lordy, lordy.

104. q, do it.

105. You know, the thing about the yoga pants,

106. They're good for the gym.

107. Oh! Not — not the mall.

108. Sit there. You don't move.

109. You don't move.

110. You didn't sit there and look at her.

111. Sal and murr: Oh!

112. No way, dude.

113. Q, the guy with the blue hat.

114. Strike up a conversation with him.

115. Excuse me, do you know if there was a walgreens down that way?

116. Did you see one? Oh, yeah.

117. The walgreens. It's definitely in here, though.

118. Q, "do not interrupt me," and clap your hands.

119. The only thing is I need to go get suppositories.

120. I got to go get those, and I think they sell them over there.

121. It's at the end of the hall.

122. Do not interrupt me.

123. I need suppositories.

124. Thank you so much. Thank you.

125. Alright. Have a good day. Thank you.

126. I don't know how that looked graceful,

127. But the guy didn't get mad.

128. I'm done.

129. - Alright, sal. - Alright, sal.

130. Sal, you see the guy laying there on the couch?

131. Go up to him real quick.

132. Excuse me.

133. "pull your shirt down."

134. Uh...

135. Pull your shirt down.

136. Q: Oh!

137. I got your back.

138. You're welcome.

139. How did he turn that into a community-building...

140. He did. Exercise?

141. It's easy. I'm soft sal.

142. Oh! Soft sal.

143. Soft sal, everyone.

144. Sal, stop this guy in the black shirt.

145. Excuse me.

146. "it's rude to stare, sir."

147. It is rude to stare, sir.

148. Q: Oh, my god, dude.

149. He's still staring at you.

150. "rude!"

151. It's rude. It's rude.

152. It's rude.

153. Oh!

154. Oh, he's still looking.

155. Sal's hiding behind a chair.

156. Dude, he's still looking at you. He's still looking.

157. No, he's not. Sal, go up to him.

158. "putting on sunglasses will not hide your staring, sir."

159. Soft sal, man.

160. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

161. Excuse me.

162. Q: Dude, he's still looking at you. He's still looking.

163. No, he's not.

164. Q: Sal, go up to him.

165. "putting on sunglasses

166. Will not hide your staring, sir."

167. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

168. Sir, putting on the sunglasses will not hide the staring.

169. Soft sal. , soft sal.

170. Staring. You're staring.

171. Murr, q, and sal shared sound advice,

172. Keeping them safe from the loser board.

173. And we're live.

174. Today, we're playing producers, and we've hired someone

175. To do a live product review.

176. Precisely one minute before we go live,

177. We'll have to give the on-camera talent a bunch of odd details

178. That they'll need to remember during the taping.

179. The goal is to get them

180. To remember as many specifics as possible.

181. Whoever's spokesperson remembers

182. The least amount of details loses.

183. And we're out.

184. Q and sal: Here we go.

185. Hi, julie. How are you?

186. I'm james. Nice to meet you. Thanks for your help today.

187. So, this person thinks they're coming in

188. To give a product review.

189. But little do they know, murray's going to make them

190. Try to remember all these ridiculous details to it.

191. So, julie, this is the product.

192. It's called a four-in-one pen tool.

193. We'll have you explore the product

194. When the commercial starts. During the commercial,

195. There's some details I want you to remember.

196. - Two minutes. - Two minutes? Okay.

197. So, julie, a couple of things. - Here we go.

198. The slogan for the product is,

199. "damn, gina."

200. At some point, if I point to you,

201. I want you stand at attention.

202. We pipe in "the star-spangled banner" at the start of

203. With the flag superimposed, okay?

204. Stand at attention. It's a star-spangled banner.

205. Do I really...?

206. You don't have to salute. Q: Yeah, she can salute.

207. No, I mean, yeah, salute, salute, for sure.

208. In a pinch, this could function as a tampon.

209. If you needed it to, it could function as a tampon.

210. It's got an absorbent tip. Remember that?

211. She's overwhelmed. She's like —

212. When you order the product —

213. This is so much. If I actually had this before —

214. Focus with me, okay? Okay.

215. One minute. Okay, one second.

216. When you buy it, it'll appear on your credit card

217. As "deez nuts."

218. It appears on your bill as "deez nuts," okay?

219. If the world were to end, you could use this to get laid.

220. It will get you laid. It will get you laid. Alright.

221. Alright, going live in 10...

222. Remember, it'll get you laid, "deez nuts,"

223. Tampon, "damn, gina,"

224. "star-spangled banner." okay, ready, julie?

225. Three, two, and julie, you are...

226. I am looking at this amazing product right here.

227. I'm super excited.

228. "damn, gina."

229. Q: We got one.

230. This is a pen — four in one.

231. And is this a screwdriver?

232. There's a screwdriver?

233. She saluted.

234. She saluted. In the middle of nothing.

235. "is this a screwdriver?"

236. Oh, my gosh.

237. You know what, ladies? You could use this as a tampon.

238. Oh!

239. I'm just — there are so many amazing things about this.

240. "deez nuts."

241. I don't remember that part.

242. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

243. So, buy it now at "deez nuts"...

244. Yes! And we will get

245. The phone number out to you.

246. Buy it at "deez nuts."

247. Murr, you're running out of time, buddy.

248. She still needs to say "get laid."

249. There's so many things just keep coming to my mind

250. Between the tampon and being able to write and measure.

251. No, no.

252. Honestly, if I saw a guy who had this, he might get laid.

253. And that's a cut.

254. Yes! You did so good.

255. Wow!

256. How were the sales? We sold 800 pens.

257. Wow!

258. The most requested reason for buying was for the tampon.

259. The tampon. Oh, my god.

260. - Hi. What was your name again? - Lorena.

261. Lorena. Okay.

262. - Alright. - Here we go.

263. We're going for, like, an unboxing-type feel.

264. It's gonna be live.

265. There are a couple of things that we need you to hit.

266. What are those things?

267. You have to say really fast, "has caused cancer in lab rats."

268. This item has caused cancer in lab rats.

269. Perfect. Okay. This is great.

270. Our company is dedicated to destroying female illiteracy.

271. "we go, girl!"

272. Each pen, yes, it is sopping with hog "phermones."

273. Pheromones. Not "phermones."

274. - Okay. We'll just run them — - one minute.

275. So simple, even mom could use it.

276. Only two more — certified eagle-friendly.

277. Certified eagle-friendly?

278. By the american federation of bald eagles.

279. Alright, so they weighed in on this one.

280. There's no way. She's getting two.

281. "33 and a 1/3 seconds."

282. - 33 and a 1/3 seconds. - Alright. Thank you, dan.

283. That's not being too helpful.

284. And then an official brand sponsor

285. Of the gathering of the juggalos.

286. That is interesting. Do you know what juggalos are?

287. They're the clowns.

288. - Oh, no, I don't. - Okay.

289. Here we go. We are live in five...

290. Here we go! Go, q, go!

291. 3, 2, 1! Juggalos, juggalos, juggalos.

292. Action!

293. Hello. So, this pen is —

294. It has caused cancer in lab rats,

295. But we don't want to talk about that.

296. It's so simple and it's so easy to use that even mom can use it.

297. Mom can use it. She got another one.

298. It has actually helped with female illiteracy.

299. We go, girl!

300. Yes!

301. She's nailing it.

302. No way is she getting hog pheromones.

303. This is, uh...

304. It's a pen that helps the hogs.

305. That doesn't count.

306. 30 seconds left.

307. Oh, and the clowns, the clowns.

308. This could potentially help the clowns.

309. It's the official sponsor of the green hogs.

310. She just mixed things up.

311. eagle. - Eagle.

312. This actually has helped eagles and jiggalos.

313. This is a full crash and burn.

314. You suck, q.

315. Yeah, this is — this is a perfect pen.

316. You need to buy this.

317. We go, girls!

318. That's a cut.

319. That was disastrous, q.

320. Dan, is there any feedback from the...

321. "oh, man, the lens cap was on the whole time."

322. Oh, was the lens cap on the whole time?

323. Oh, great.

324. Here we go, sal.

325. Yeah, it's a couple of minutes out, still, but we're getting close.

326. Dan, "four minutes!"

327. Four minutes!

328. Oh, god, dan.

329. This is where you'll be standing.

330. There's a couple of other things that the manufacturer

331. Wants us to mention during the live segment.

332. Now turn the page over, sal.

333. So, we want you to say "it makes a great gift

334. For, like, emotionally distant fathers."

335. "now free of any gang colors and insignias."

336. That's important.

337. Q: "it was a bloodbath."

338. It was a bloodbath when they had that.

339. And so, now on the heels of that,

340. It can be weaponized in a scuff.

341. You can shank somebody? If you need to. I mean, look at this thing.

342. "the product is not intended to aid with conception."

343. So...

344. What?

345. And then the last thing here,

346. Just say, "deadass, this pen will change you, deadass." so —

347. Wait. I have to say all these things?

348. Okay, ready?

349. Q and murr: Five, four, three, two, one.

350. And you're live!

351. Wait. I have to say all these things? Okay, ready?

352. Q and murr: Five, four, three, two, one.

353. Hi. My name is fola, and I am from maya sol reviews.

354. Today, I have an amazing four-in-one pen tool.

355. It is the best gift that you can give dad on father's day.

356. For emotionally detached fathers.

357. Oh! Q: Whoa!

358. Oh, it's also free of any, um,

359. Gang affiliations or insignias.

360. Wow! She got another one.

361. But you can use it in a fight.

362. She got another one. She got the fight.

363. And listen, this pen is not for...

364. it's not for conception.

365. She got it.

366. This pen will deadass change your life.

367. Q and murr: Wow!

368. Hey!

369. What?

370. Hey, sometimes you got to deadass...

371. Got them all.

372. Q couldn't produce a win.

373. So he's tonight's big loser.

374. Alright, first things first.

375. On tonight's show, we have rapper, singer, songwriter,

376. And the best dude on the planet, post malone.

377. And we're punishing him!

378. No. Second thing is you lost.

379. Oh, come on, man.

380. Q, today, you're gonna be a parking-garage attendant

381. Returning cars to their owners.

382. And don't worry, buddy.

383. I mean, nothing happened to any of their cars.

384. But if it did, you're the one held responsible.

385. You can't mess with...

386. I mean, we're in the garage.

387. There's $100,000 cars right behind us.

388. We're not messing with people's cars.

389. No, we're not. We're not. You are.

390. What? Don't be so good at this so fast.

391. What's the matter with you?

392. Alright, q.

393. Today, we're a little man parking for your punishment.

394. How you feeling, buddy?

395. No. I don't feel good.

396. Post is gonna be on staff with you.

397. But he's gonna be helping us to basically stoke the flames.

398. So, post, how old are you, buddy?

399. I'm 27. I think.

400. And we've been on the air 12 years.

401. Which means... - You were 15?

402. 15, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

403. Have you been watching the whole time?

404. Yes, sir. Ooh!

405. I've seen every season. Every season.

406. - What? Are you serious? - Yeah. Yeah.

407. And you want to come here and hurt your old pal, bq?

408. You've been very naughty, q. Alright. Let's do it.

409. Here we go. Here we go.

410. Q: Hello.

411. Good, good.

412. Alright, these people are picking up their car,

413. And that means that it's showtime for posty.

414. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

415. Post, go take your position, buddy.

416. Oh, my god. What's about to happen?

417. The car has been secretly brought up to our floor.

418. We're gonna have our way with it

419. And send it back down with post.

420. Get ready for this, q.

421. Alright, q.

422. Here comes the car.

423. Okay. This is probably you.

424. look at the car.

425. The car is hot-boxed.

426. Post, just come out of the car, be coughing a little bit

427. And be like, "I would give it 5 to 10

428. If you don't want the contact high."

429. Alright.

430. Boss, thanks for letting me smoke that up in there, man.

431. About 5 to 10 if you guys don't want the contact...

432. Contact high.

433. Not...

434. Alright, q, let's see you explain this.

435. That was my call, because the cops

436. Are still busting chops about all that stuff.

437. Oh, but I'm allergic to this.

438. Oh, really? Oh. Yeah.

439. Uh...

440. What are you allergic to?

441. The tobacco.

442. Oh, don't worry about that. It's not tobacco.

443. - Oh, I'm the manager. - You're the manager?

444. - I am the manager, yeah. - I want corporate's number.

445. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

446. Post, come out and bring q febreeze.

447. Thank you. Okay. I'm so sorry.

448. I'll blast this out with febreeze.

449. No. I want corporate's number.

450. But febreeze neutralizes on contact.

451. Febreeze neutralizes on contact.

452. Oh, yeah, that's right in your face.

453. I could see how you'd be upset by that.

454. Well, usually the smoker bone is about five minutes.

455. Post, can you bring out

456. The coupon for $1 off the next visit?

457. This is for you guys.

458. Uh-oh, q.

459. Oh! Here you go.

460. You're all set. Here you go.

461. So, this is $1 off your next visit.

462. this is awful.

463. What is that?

464. q.

465. Post, go back and sit in the car and be like,

466. "I just want to get the last little bit of it that's in here."

467. Do you mind if I get the last little bit that's left in there?

468. Alright, he'll go in there and suck out the rest.

469. Q, they absolutely hate you.

470. You should get out of the car. You should get out of the car.

471. Alright, thank you so much.

472. This is crazy.

473. Alright, here we go.

474. Q: You guys are picking up a car?

475. The white jeep grand cherokee.

476. White jeep grand cherokee.

477. "oh, the white jeep?"

478. Oh. Oh, the white jeep.

479. Alright, q, here comes the car.

480. Uh...

481. "a thing kind of happened."

482. - Are you okay? - A thing kind of happened.

483. "I got to show you something out of the trunk."

484. I mean, it's — here, I'll show you.

485. "I'm just gonna take this one out of here."

486. I'm just gonna take this one out of here. Alright.

487. Oh, my god.

488. - Oh! - This is crazy.

489. "I got to show you something out of the trunk."

490. I'm just gonna take this one out of here. Alright.

491. Oh, my god.

492. What is that?

493. - Why did you put it in the car? - Yeah, why is it in there?

494. "because it was ridiculous to leave him in the street."

495. Well, it happened —

496. It was ridiculous to leave him in the street.

497. Why would you put it in the car?

498. "you guys have got scrubs on.

499. I thought you guys could save him."

500. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys have the scrubs on.

501. I thought that you guys...

502. Oh, dental students.

503. Okay, listen. Understood. I totally apologize.

504. Alright, you ready, bud?

505. Okay. I'm ready. Go handle your business.

506. Post, febreeze the out of the car.

507. Oh, yeah. I got this. No, don't touch it.

508. Don't touch it anymore.

509. No, I got you guys. It's fine.

510. No, it's fine.

511. It neutralizes on contact, this stuff, though.

512. Post and q, lift it up and get it into the backseat.

513. - Alright. Alright. - Alright. Alright.

514. So, we're moving this to the backseat?

515. Okay. Alright. Just...

516. I don't know where —

517. I guess — Put it in! Put it in! Put it in!

518. Post, keep febreezing, keep febreezing.

519. Febreeze isn't gonna work.

520. Oh! No!

521. - Guys, get it out. - It's gross!

522. Oh! Oh! No! I can't! I can't! I can't!

523. I don't know. This is insane.

524. Post, say, "we do accept tips, by the way."

525. We do accept tips.

526. There's no tip. There's no tip here.

527. This job is bullshit!

528. This is bullshit!

529. It's my first day.

530. Alright, q, last one.

531. Going home? Done with work?

532. Say, "oh, if you got to leave early,

533. Let me get my groceries out of your car."

534. Yeah, you can stop right there

535. 'cause if you're gonna leave early,

536. I just got to —

537. Q, you got to say it. It's a punishment.

538. I just got to get my groceries out of your car.

539. Yeah. Okay.

540. I don't think he believes you yet.

541. Oh, my god.

542. Oh!

543. Yeah. Just get these out. I'll just put this over there.

544. Yeah, I got it. Just help me out.

545. Yeah, just grab those. I'll put them right here.

546. Oh, okay, great. Thank you.

547. He's helping!

548. Alright, post, get out of here. Go get him.

549. I think that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

550. And I got flowers for the wife.

551. Q, "can you grab the fireworks out of the back seat for me?"

552. Yeah. And the fire...

553. You traveled across state lines to get fireworks.

554. The fireworks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the fireworks, too.

555. Oh, q, here comes post.

556. Boss, did you show him — did you show him this?

557. What's that? Did you show him this?

558. I did not show him this.

559. Thank you very much. Yes, sir.

560. You piece of. You got a ticket?

561. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So — so the thing is...

562. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

563. When I went to get the fireworks, I parked

564. The car a little bit too long, and they gave me a ticket,

565. Which is on your car and your license plate

566. And stuff like that. - Yeah, $40.

567. But you know what the good thing is?

568. That's no points on your license.

569. He's paying, q.

570. Yeah, you got to pay that, because if you do that,

571. What they do is, they put fees and...

572. - Perfect, perfect, perfect. - Here's the turn.

573. Yeah, I don't think you should have done that, boss.

574. Sir, it was not me.

575. It was my boss here, sir. I just — I just work here.

576. Oh! Oh! Oh!

577. I wasn't expecting that.

578. Yeah. I didn't...

579. Oh, no.

580. You don't have to call the cops.

581. Oh, I didn't kill no one.

582. I'll take care of it.

583. Q, "the fireworks are worth $60.

584. I'll give them to you, and you just give me 20 bucks."

585. Well, he's calling the cops, guys.

586. The punishment's over if you say it.

587. Alright. The fireworks are worth $60.

588. I'll give them to you, you just give me $20,

589. And we're all set.

590. Fix this. Fix this.

591. I got to fix this? You fix this!

592. You're over here telling him — you fix this.

593. What is the matter with you?

594. He's on the phone with the cops.

595. Get him off the phone.

596. Get ready to bail post malone and q out of jail.

597. Not me. Don't sign me up for this.

598. Oh, you're going down for this.

599. You're going down for this one. No, no, no.

600. Q's going to jail.

601. He started off helping you remove the groceries,

602. And he ended with calling the cops.

603. And I think that is a success, my man.

604. Do we need to still be here for this, or is this over?

605. - I think we can book it. - I think we can book it.

606. I think we should start getting out of the vicinity.

607. Why don't we just — let me get my phone.

608. Good job, post! Great job, post.

609. Everybody! Good job, buddy.