iCarly 3x6

Directed by David Kendall

Mary Scheer as Marissa Benson • Kit Pongetti as Martha • Ryan Ochoa as Chuck • Crawford James as Cop #2 • Jeremy Rowley as Lewbert Sline

After a prank on Lewbert Sam loses her phone in his office, when her and Freddie get it back Sam steals a personal box from Lewbert’s office. Sam, Freddie and Carly look through it, only to find some interesting stuff about Lewbert, biggest him having had a girlfriend. Getting an Idea they set out to reunite him with her so he can be happy and leave them alone, only to find out Lewbert doesn’t exactly “like” her. Meanwhile after a rash of robberies Ms. Benson signs Spencer up to a watch group with a little pest from his past.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay,

2. so Thursday afternoon.

3. - Me and Carly were walking

4. through the lobby...

5. - Minding our own business...

6. - While Lewbert was sitting

7. at his desk eating falafels.

8. - A spherical

9. Middle Eastern food

10. made from the... chickpea.

11. - Chickpea.

12. And now, we're gonna show you

13. what Lewbert did.

14. - Thanks to Freddie's

15. hidden cameras.

16. - Playback.

17. Hey!

18. Hey!

19. No song singing in my lobby!

20. - What's your problem?

21. - You!

22. - He pelted us

23. with falafel balls.

24. - Which is why we decided

25. it's time for

26. another installment of...

27. Messin' with Lewbert!

28. - So after school today...

29. - Me, Carly, and Fred-pus

30. snuck into Lewbert's office...

31. - And installed

32. two more hidden cameras.

33. - And, we also left Lewbert

34. a little surprise.

35. - Which we're gonna give him

36. right now.

37. - Going live to Lewbert.

38. - Bushwell Plaza.

39. - Don't go into your office.

40. - What? Who is this?

41. - And do not open the cabinet

42. over the TV

43. - Don't open the what—

44. Nobody tells me

45. what cabinets not to open!

46. - Switching to the office cam.

47. - I don't take orders

48. from no unanimous caller.

49. I'll open any cabinet

50. I feel like!

51. It's in the hole!

52. In five,

53. four, three, two...

54. - Oh, yeah, that's fine.

55. - And definitely

56. best part of the night.

57. - Yeah, for sure.

58. - Yeah, we all love that.

59. - Okay, who would like

60. a super special after web show

61. snack?

62. - What sort of snackage

63. we're talking about here?

64. - We are talking about

65. a tray of red velvet cupcakes

66. with cream filling.

67. - Whoa.

68. From Cupcake Jake's?

69. - Yep.

70. Cupcake for you,

71. cupcake for Sam,

72. cupcake for me.

73. - Mm-hmm.

74. - My cupcake's hollow.

75. - So's mine.

76. What happened

77. to the cream filling?

78. - They're all empty.

79. - How did they...?

80. - So what do you think

81. happened?

82. - You snuck downstairs

83. before the web show

84. and sucked the filling

85. out of all these cupcakes.

86. - Your point being?

87. - You call Cupcake Jake's

88. right now

89. and order us 12 more of these.

90. - Okay.

91. - Can you believe her?

92. - You're surprised?

93. No.

94. - Hey, where's my phone?

95. - Maybe

96. you accidentally inhaled it

97. when you were de-creaming

98. the cupcakes.

99. - I know I left my phone

100. in this pocket.

101. - Hey, didn't you call your mom

102. from Lewbert's office

103. when we were rigging

104. the golf balls?

105. - Oh, man, I left my phone

106. in Lewbert's office!

107. Come, help me get it.

108. - No, I have to try and

109. give my cupcakes a transfusion.

110. - Then, you're helping me.

111. - Oh, no.

112. I'm not gonna

113. risk getting caught

114. and then having my mother

115. find out that—

116. Oh, come on!

117. Sam, how do you do this?

118. We'll be back in a few!

119. - Cupcake sucker!

120. - You kids have fun.

121. - No, no!

122. - Kay pasta?

123. - What up with the vest?

124. - It's my

125. building watch uniform.

126. - Oh, yeah,

127. how was the tenants' meeting?

128. - You know three more apartments

129. in this building

130. were robbed last weekend?

131. - What'd they steal this time?

132. - Same thing, TV remotes.

133. What kinda burglar

134. breaks into people's apartments

135. just to steal TV remotes?

136. - A remote control freak.

137. - Anyway, I fell asleep

138. in the meeting,

139. and was unwillingly

140. appointed to be

141. on the building watch patrol

142. by Mrs. Benson.

143. - I got it.

144. Comin'!

145. - Oh, hi, Mrs. Benson.

146. What can I do for you?

147. - I've assigned you

148. a building watch partner.

149. - A partner?

150. I see.

151. Aren't you...

152. - Gabriella.

153. - Right.

154. Well, I certainly look forward

155. to you and me patrolling the—

156. - Gabriella is

157. my watch partner, stupid.

158. - Okay, well, then who is mine?

159. - Have you met Chuck?

160. No.

161. - Stupid golf balls,

162. all over my floor,

163. almost killed me!

164. Like my life ain't sad enough!

165. - Ready?

166. - What's the plan?

167. - Aah, Freddie!

168. - Aah!

169. No, who dumped 'em over?

170. - Him.

171. - Me? No.

172. No, no, no—

173. - You're gonna help me

174. pick up every dang last one

175. of these balls!

176. My mother raised me...

177. - Aww.

178. Lewbert on his seventh birthday

179. with his new bicycle.

180. - Aww. He almost seems normal.

181. - Yeah.

182. Uh oh.

183. What?

184. "Lewbert on his

185. seventh birthday,

186. after being run over by a car."

187. - Aww.

188. - Carls, come look at this.

189. - No, I don't feel right about

190. looking at Lewbert's personal

191. items.

192. - Lewbert's modeling portfolio.

193. - Lewbert was a male model?

194. Hh-mmm.

195. - Show me, show me,

196. show me now!

197. - Open it.

198. - Okay, hold your sauce.

199. - No way!

200. - Medio litro.

201. Oh, man, ooh.

202. - Oh, boy.

203. - Look, no wart.

204. - These must have been taken

205. before it grew.

206. - Yeah, I doubt

207. there was a big demand

208. for male models

209. with humongous cheek warts.

210. Hey,

211. check out this DVD.

212. Happy Valentine's Day

213. to Lewbert, my love.

214. - That can only be

215. from his mother.

216. If she's blind.

217. - Uh-uh. Look...

218. "From Marta".

219. - Should we play it?

220. Play it!

221. - We're going to play it!

222. We're going to play it.

223. - Come on, put on the DVD.

224. - I—it has to load.

225. Okay here we go, here we go.

226. Oh, my God!

227. - Lewbert had a girlfriend.

228. - And, she's human.

229. And, like, not hideous.

230. - Lewbert's smiling.

231. - He actually looks

232. not miserable.

233. And wart free.

234. Awww.

235. I can't believe

236. that at one point in his life

237. Lewbert was actually happy.

238. - Well, you know

239. what we have to do.

240. - Get my mom

241. to start shaving her armpits?

242. It's like two sweaty jungles

243. up in there.

244. - Sam.

245. We gotta find

246. this Marta Trundel woman

247. and hook her up

248. with Lewbert again.

249. - Why?

250. - So he'll be happy.

251. - Yeah, can you imagine

252. how much better

253. our lives would be here

254. if Lewbert was happy?

255. - I really doubt

256. balloons would rain down.

257. - But we could get hot towels.

258. - And fancy fruits.

259. Okay, but that video

260. was made like ten years ago.

261. For all we know, this Marta

262. Trundel chick could be dead.

263. - She looked like she was

264. in her 20s in that video.

265. How could she be dead now?

266. Car accident,

267. poison taco,

268. fork in the neck,

269. mauled by bears.

270. - She's not dead.

271. I just found her

272. SplashFace page.

273. Look at this.

274. Marta Trundel, age 34,

275. lives in Portland, Oregon.

276. - Oh, and she is single.

277. - And check out

278. her mood, lonely.

279. - Okay, I think

280. our mission is clear.

281. - Yep.

282. - We email Marta,

283. then buy a weed whacker

284. for my mom's armpits.

285. - Ew.

286. Help, help.

287. I've been robbed.

288. Help, my apartment was robbed!

289. - No way, what happened?

290. - Well, I left my house

291. at around 4:30

292. and then I went to build-a-bra,

293. where I built

294. the most lovely bra.

295. And then I just got home

296. and all my TV remotes

297. were missing.

298. - Gaaahhh! the burglar

299. musta snuck right past us.

300. Augh!

301. - I just don't know what to do.

302. - Well, neither do I!

303. - I've never been

304. burglarized before.

305. - Ma'am.

306. - What if the burglar—

307. - Ma'am!

308. I know you're upset

309. and I understand

310. that you feel violated.

311. - I do.

312. - But right now,

313. the best thing you can do

314. is go home,

315. have a glass of milk, relax,

316. and let us do our jobs.

317. My partner and I

318. are gonna find the guy

319. who took your TV remotes,

320. and we're gonna take him down.

321. - All right.

322. Thank you.

323. - Wow. That was impressive.

324. - What is that, a compliment?

325. - Maybe.

326. - I thought you hated me.

327. - I thought you hated me.

328. - That was then.

329. Now, we're

330. building watch partners.

331. - Building watch partners.

332. You know when I kicked the wall?

333. - Yeah.

334. - I hurt my foot bad.

335. - Marta?

336. Okay, just wait

337. a few more seconds.

338. Marta's right outside.

339. - Where's Lewbert?

340. - He's in there.

341. - Start the music.

342. Okay.

343. - You're rolling?

344. - In 5...

345. - Are you rolling?

346. - Yes.

347. - Hey, Lewbert!

348. - Lewbert!

349. I'm comin'!

350. - Get out!

351. Oh, my God.

352. No!

353. Oh, God. Get out.

354. Get out.

355. - Marta, why don't you

356. wait there

357. and I'll go talk to Lewbert?

358. - Sure.

359. - Lewbert, open the door.

360. Are you alone?

361. - Yes.

362. Ooh.

363. - How did she find me?

364. - We called her.

365. - Oh, why?

366. - To make you happy!

367. - What makes you think

368. that beast would make me happy?

369. - Well, we sorta

370. looked through your box

371. of deeply personal items

372. and we found a DVD that—

373. - You what?

374. You've ruined my life!

375. - He's really excited

376. that you're here.

377. Why?

378. - You're staying at the hotel

379. across the street.

380. Right?

381. - Yes.

382. - Maybe you ought

383. to go check in.

384. Freddie, take her bags.

385. - Sure.

386. - Thank you.

387. No!

388. Calm down!

389. I ain't going out there!

390. - She's gone, open the door.

391. - Where's Lewb?

392. - In the corner, rocking.

393. - Argh!

394. - What's wrong with you?

395. I mean, other than

396. all the usual stuff

397. that's wrong with you?

398. - You little chickens

399. don't realize what you've done!

400. That monstress

401. nearly ruined my life!

402. - But in the pictures we saw,

403. you and Marta looked so happy.

404. - That was the first two weeks

405. of our relationship!

406. But once women get you,

407. they change.

408. Have you ever noticed this wart?

409. - No, not really.

410. - I haven't.

411. - She caused it.

412. It's sprouted when that devil

413. came into my life!

414. - Oh, come on!

415. That nice lady

416. did not cause your wart.

417. Did too!

418. The doctors call it

419. a stress wart.

420. It's getting bigger.

421. You wanna feel it?

422. - Oh, no.

423. - No, thank you.

424. I'm a vegetarian.

425. - Look, just get outta here!

426. - Come on. We're sorry.

427. - We'll just tell Marta

428. to go back to Portland.

429. - No, she won't leave!

430. She's relentless!

431. - What do you mean?

432. - Ten years ago,

433. after we dated for five weeks,

434. I tried to break up with her,

435. but she refused.

436. - Then, how'd you get away?

437. - I took her on a cruise

438. and when we were a mile

439. off the coast of Porta Viar-Toe,

440. I jumped overboard

441. and swam to shore.

442. Then I moved to Seattle,

443. changed my last name,

444. and got a job

445. as a stinking doorman.

446. Now, that she's found me,

447. she will never leave me alone.

448. - Oh, that's silly.

449. Lewbert,

450. are you in there?

451. Lewbert?

452. Lewbert?

453. - Hey, hey, what's this guy?

454. - Hi, hey.

455. - Hold up there, gym bag.

456. - What? me?

457. - We'll ask the questions.

458. - What's in the bag?

459. - Nothin'.

460. If you'll excuse me—

461. - Hold it.

462. - Open the bag.

463. Get him!

464. - Any TV remotes?

465. No.

466. Just a bunch of fig nooters.

467. What-up with the fig nooters?

468. - Talk.

469. - Okay, okay.

470. They're my favorite cookie,

471. and my wife,

472. she won't let me eat 'em.

473. So four nights a week

474. I fill that bag

475. with fig nooters,

476. and I tell my wife

477. that I'm going to the gym,

478. but I'm not going to the gym.

479. I'm going down

480. to the parking garage

481. and eat as many fig nooters

482. as I can.

483. Please.

484. Please, don't tell my wife.

485. Please, don't tell her.

486. Please.

487. - It's okay, man.

488. - We won't tell her.

489. - You can take your fig nooters

490. and go.

491. - Oh, thank you.

492. Thank you.

493. - Wait!

494. Give us some nooters.

495. - Now, get outta here,

496. you make me sick.

497. - Marta's here.

498. - Where?

499. - Down in the lobby.

500. She just walked

501. into Lewbert's office.

502. - Why?

503. I don't know.

504. I can't see through doors.

505. - Ow.

506. - Man, I'd kill to know

507. what's going on down there.

508. Well,

509. we do have the hidden cameras

510. we set up

511. for messing with Lewbert.

512. - Yeah, but I don't know

513. if we should— on screen!

514. C'mon, Lewbert. I got

515. us front row seats to the

516. Seattle Philharmonic.

517. No!

518. But we'll have such fun.

519. - See? She's totally nice.

520. I don't wanna go

521. anywhere with you.

522. - You'll do what I tell you!

523. - And there it is.

524. - You need a haircut!

525. - A haircut?

526. I don't want a haircut!

527. - Did I ask what you wanted?

528. Come here.

529. - No! No!

530. No! Lemme go! Lemme go!

531. - Who gives haircuts

532. by force?

533. - I don't know, but if

534. this was a real TV show,

535. it'd be more popular

536. than anything on NBC.

537. She is a monstress.

538. - What have we done?

539. - So here's the thing.

540. When we called you and said

541. you should come to Seattle

542. and hook back up with Lewbert,

543. we were wrong to do that.

544. - No, well, I've been trying

545. to find Lewbert

546. for the better part

547. of ten years,

548. and I never would have found him

549. without you.

550. - Yeah, I know.

551. But, I think Lewbert's,

552. you know,

553. changed since you guys dated.

554. And now, maybe, you're not

555. so right for each other.

556. - You skunk bag!

557. - Huh?

558. - I know exactly

559. what's going on here.

560. - Well, then

561. explain it to me 'cuz—

562. - You want me

563. out of the picture

564. so you can have

565. Lewbert to yourself.

566. - Lewbert for my—

567. I'm fifteen.

568. - Hey, Chuck.

569. - Oh.

570. What's up, Spence?

571. - You were supposed to meet me

572. on the 9th floor 20 minutes ago.

573. - Yeah, I just have to take out

574. this garbage first.

575. - In a pillowcase?

576. - I meant "laundry".

577. - But, that's not

578. your apartment.

579. - I know.

580. I'm doing laundry for the people

581. who live here

582. while they're in Wisconsin.

583. - And, who lives there?

584. - You know,

585. Mr. And Mrs.

586. Harlen... sen... chester.

587. - No, the Harlensenchesters

588. moved out over a year ago.

589. - Dang it.

590. - TV remotes? Why?

591. - 'Cuz my dad grounded me

592. and he won't let me watch TV

593. for a month.

594. And if I can't watch TV,

595. then nobody gets to.

596. - But, if you're the thief

597. then why did you join

598. the building watch patrol?

599. - 'Cuz no one suspects

600. a guy in a vest.

601. - Well, I'm sorry, Chuck.

602. But you've dishonored the vest.

603. I'm calling the police.

604. - Then you better tell 'em

605. you need a need

606. a new pear phone.

607. - Why? This is the new G5.

608. What's wrong with it?

609. Hey!

610. Come back here, Chuck!

611. - You punks ruined my life!

612. - Carly's upstairs

613. talking to Marta right now.

614. - So?

615. - She's gonna get her to leave.

616. - Oh, you don't know Marta.

617. Nothin' will get rid of her.

618. She's a virus with bosoms.

619. - Yeah, well,

620. I think Carly can handle Marta.

621. Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

622. - Stop running!

623. Sam!

624. If you think

625. you can come

626. between me and my Lewbert—

627. Sam! Sam!

628. Uh—

629. - Thanks, Sam.

630. No worries.

631. I like hitting ladies

632. with pineapples.

633. - Hit her with it again,

634. she's still breathing!

635. Hey!

636. Leave me alone!

637. Come here, Chuck!

638. - You better back off!

639. - You're not fit

640. to wear that vest!

641. Come here, hey!

642. Come back here!

643. - Hold it!

644. Everybody, stop right now.

645. - Now, what's goin' on here?

646. - What is going on here?

647. - Officer, I'm Spencer Shay,

648. building watch patrolman.

649. - Good for you.

650. What's the problem?

651. - Well, you know

652. how there's been

653. a bunch of burglaries

654. in this building?

655. - Yeah?

656. - I caught the thief.

657. - Well, who is it?

658. - I'll tell you who it is.

659. It's...

660. - Me!

661. - What?

662. - Yeah.

663. I stole all the TV remotes.

664. - Well, it's my bedtime.

665. - Oof.

666. - Lewbert, why would you

667. steal TV remotes?

668. - Because I love the way they

669. feel against my skin in the

670. moonlight!

671. Just take me to jail!

672. Away from her!

673. - How long will he be in jail?

674. - For stealing TV remotes?

675. Probably 30 days.

676. - I can wait 30 days.

677. - Ugh.

678. How long for slapping a cop?

679. - Six months.

680. - Oh!

681. - That's it. Let's go.

682. - Huh. See you, Marta.

683. - Hey, Carly, Sam and Freddie.

684. My name is Matt,

685. I'm going to juggle, diapers.

686. Here we go.

687. Love you guys' show so much.

688. Keep on keepin' on.

689. Thanks for watching.

690. Say goodbye, say goodbye.

691. - Mm.