iCarly 3x15

1. - I am so sorry.

2. - Hello?

3. Dad, what's going on?

4. Ah, nothing.

5. I just got my hand in a chicken.

6. Yeah, it's dead.

7. Where are you?

8. Oh, cool.

9. - Hi.

10. - Hey.

11. - There's a chicken

12. on your hand.

13. - No, Carly just walked in.

14. Yeah, sure. For you.

15. - Who is it?

16. - Our creator.

17. - Dad?

18. - He's on a submarine.

19. - Oh, cool.

20. Dad, hey.

21. Yeah, we're doing

22. iCarly tonight, why?

23. No way. How?

24. - How what?

25. - Shh.

26. Really? Oh, my God,

27. that's so great!

28. - What's great?

29. - Shhh.

30. So, everyone? On the whole sub?

31. - Every who on the whole what?

32. - Just stuff your chicken!

33. That's so amazing.

34. Right, so I guess

35. I'll see you tonight.

36. I mean, I won't see you,

37. but you'll see me.

38. You know what I mean. Yeah.

39. Okay, you wanna talk

40. to Spencer again?

41. - Yay.

42. Oh, you don't.

43. - Oh...

44. - Okay, bye.

45. - What?

46. - His submarine's docked

47. right off the coast of Alaska

48. where they have Internet access.

49. So, he and the whole crew

50. are gonna watch iCarly tonight.

51. - Fo realz?

52. - Fo yeah.

53. It's gonna be the first time

54. he's seen our show live.

55. And why is your hand

56. in a chicken?

57. - I got a date.

58. - Who with?

59. - With a real woman.

60. - As opposed to?

61. - I just mean she's, like,

62. a really classy lady.

63. Get this. Her name is Candice.

64. - Classy.

65. - She's the president

66. of her own company.

67. She reads books,

68. and she wears pantyhose.

69. - Impressive.

70. - Yeah.

71. - So you're making her dinner?

72. - Uh-huh.

73. She wrote in her online profile

74. that she likes sophisticated men

75. who can cook.

76. So I'm making her dinner,

77. and I bought these.

78. Sophisticated?

79. - I guess.

80. Where'd you get those?

81. - You know Socko's cousin,

82. the optometrist?

83. - Isaac?

84. - Yep.

85. - Ummm, I think

86. your cell phone's ringing.

87. - Yeah. You see it?

88. - Could it be in your chicken?

89. Aw, man.

90. - Pretty sophisticated.

91. In five, four, three, two.

92. - Hey, Carly.

93. - Yeah?

94. - Is it weird if a guy

95. grows hair between his toes?

96. - Why? Do you?

97. - No...

98. - Carly!

99. Did you see Sam's e-mail?

100. - No, what e-mail?

101. - She's in jail.

102. - What? What happened?

103. - She was at the Jiffy Mart

104. buying a snack

105. and a guy cut in front of her.

106. So she shoved a hot chili dog

107. down his pants

108. and it turns out the guy

109. was an ambassador from Mexico.

110. - Aw, Sam.

111. So then what happened?

112. - He yelled:

113. "Los frijoles calientes

114. queman mis pantalones.

115. Ooohh!"

116. - No, I mean, with Sam!

117. - Oh, the cops showed up

118. and took her down to juvie.

119. - Awwww.

120. - Her mom's on her way there,

121. but Sam says there's no way

122. she's getting out 'til tomorrow.

123. - So, you're canceling iCarly?

124. - Well, I don't see how we're

125. gonna be able—

126. - No, we're not

127. canceling iCarly.

128. We've never canceled the show.

129. And my dad's watching it

130. live tonight for the first time.

131. - I thought

132. Spencer was your dad.

133. - Gibby!

134. - Well, how are we gonna

135. do the show without Sam?

136. - Spencer!

137. - Normal? Here I come.

138. - Spencer, Spencer.

139. - Yeah, what's up?

140. - I need you to fill in for Sam

141. on iCarly tonight.

142. - Why? Where's Sam?

143. - Juvy.

144. - Again? What'd she do?

145. - She shoved a hot chili dog

146. down a foreign

147. dignitary's pants.

148. - Señor Gutiérrez?

149. - Yeah, how'd you know?

150. - He tweeted about it.

151. - How come you follow señor—

152. - Please, shut up.

153. Will you do iCarly with me?

154. - Can't.

155. - But dad's watching tonight.

156. We have to do it for dad.

157. - You know, I have a date

158. with Candice.

159. - So, reschedule it.

160. - She's already on her way.

161. - Come on, just have Candice

162. wait down here

163. 'til the show is over.

164. - Or she can come up and watch.

165. - Yeah.

166. - Noooo.

167. She's a very

168. sophisticated woman.

169. I can't have her thinking

170. I spend my time

171. hanging with teenagers

172. doing goofy stuff.

173. - That's, like, all you do.

174. - Yeah, but I can't

175. have her thinking that.

176. She wears pantyhose.

177. - Please?

178. This is really important to me.

179. - Any other night,

180. you know I would,

181. but this date is—

182. It's—she's—she's not—no, no.

183. Carly, don't. No, don't.

184. Unicorns... and taffy.

185. Lip gloss.

186. Okay, okay.

187. I'll fill in for Sam tonight.

188. - Yay, be upstairs

189. in four minutes.

190. - Three minutes.

191. - I feel duped!

192. - Just a moment!

193. - Hello, Candice.

194. - Spencer.

195. - Won't you come in?

196. - Thank you.

197. - May I take your coat?

198. - I'm not wearing a coat.

199. - Touche.

200. - What a charming place,

201. so many toys and things,

202. very whimsical.

203. - Well, I have—

204. I have a teenage sister.

205. You know, teenagers,

206. what with their whimsical toys

207. and such.

208. Spencer!

209. - Oh, that's her now.

210. Here, why don't you have

211. some cucumber water

212. and I'll go see

213. what Carly needs.

214. - Thank you.

215. - Until I return.

216. - I'll be here.

217. Spencer?

218. - Yes?

219. - I think these are

220. pickle slices in the water.

221. Ah, pickles.

222. The cucumber's grumpy cousin.

223. - I'm here, when do we start?

224. - 45 seconds.

225. - Tell me what I do.

226. - Okay. Freddie says:

227. "In 5, 4, 3, 2..."

228. then points at us,

229. then we introduce the show.

230. After that we go

231. to that wheel over there

232. and do a bit called

233. Put That in Your Man Purse,"

234. which you don't know about

235. but just play along

236. and you'll figure it out

237. as we go.

238. - Why doesn't Freddie say: "In

239. five, four, three, two, one?".

240. - No one knows.

241. - I know.

242. - No one cares.

243. Now hurry, take your jacket

244. and glasses off.

245. - But I look so sophisticated.

246. - This is iCarly.

247. We don't do sophisticated.

248. Come on.

249. - Ten seconds.

250. - Now, stand here next to me.

251. - I am.

252. - Shhh.

253. - Ready or not,

254. in five, four, three, two.

255. - I'm Carly.

256. - And I'm Spencer,

257. filling in for Sam, who's...

258. - ... been unexpectedly...

259. - ... detained.

260. - Yes, detained.

261. Now, this is a very special

262. iCarly tonight,

263. because my dad—

264. - Our dad.

265. - He's both our dad.

266. - We're siblings.

267. - They know that.

268. My dad, colonel Steven Shay

269. of the United States Air Force

270. is watching iCarly live tonight

271. from a submarine

272. just off the coast of Alaska.

273. - I don't think you should

274. give away his position.

275. - Uh, I meant

276. the coast of Nebraska.

277. - Yes, deep in the

278. "Nebraskan Ocean".

279. Okay, the first thing

280. we're gonna do tonight...

281. - ... Uh, is play

282. a little game called...

283. - Put That In Your Man Purse!

284. - Yay!

285. - Yo!

286. Yes!

287. - Now, this is a man purse.

288. It belongs to our

289. nasty doorman, Lewbert.

290. - So nasty.

291. - Last Thursday,

292. Lewbert threw this man purse

293. at our technical producer,

294. Freddie.

295. - It hit me in the neck.

296. - So we're gonna fill it

297. with something fun.

298. This way!

299. - I'll go that way.

300. - We're gonna spin this wheel

301. and whatever it lands on...

302. - ... that's the substance

303. we're gonna pour

304. into Lewbert's man purse?

305. - Who catches on fast?

306. - Me!

307. - And now it's time to...

308. - Spin that wheel!

309. - Go Spencer!

310. - Well, okay!

311. - Awwwww.

312. - Sour milk.

313. - Ta-da.

314. - We left this gallon of milk

315. out in the sun for two weeks.

316. - Whaa.

317. - Whoah.

318. - Jeez.

319. - Ohh.

320. - Augh.

321. And now let's open

322. Lewbert's man purse.

323. Ewwww.

324. - Ahh.

325. - Go.

326. Oh, gross. Augh.

327. Merry Christmas.

328. Oh, ho-ho-ho.

329. Oh, ho-ho.

330. - Okay, now we'll

331. let that marinate.

332. - Now, please enjoy

333. our little friend Gibby

334. as he teaches us

335. new vocabulary words

336. while simultaneously

337. brushing his teeth with mustard.

338. Gibby?

339. - Fiduciary.

340. - I'll be right back.

341. - Where are you going?

342. - Candice doesn't know

343. I'm doing this.

344. I have to stall her.

345. - Okay, but hurry back.

346. - Will do.

347. Aah. I know, I know.

348. - There you are.

349. - There you are.

350. I was starting to worry.

351. - Ah, I was just helping

352. my little sister with an issue.

353. You know how teenage girls

354. can be.

355. - Oh, yes.

356. What was her problem?

357. - Why don't we sit down?

358. - All right.

359. Right this way.

360. Here we are.

361. That is a purple dress.

362. Now, why don't you try

363. some of these mushroom tartlets?

364. - Ooh, I'd love one.

365. - And I'll be right back

366. after I run upstairs just to—

367. - You know the first time

368. I ever had a mushroom tartlet?

369. - No, I don't.

370. - Well, I just finished

371. business school

372. and one of my professors

373. invites me to this party

374. at his condo.

375. - Oh-ho, professors and condos.

376. Listen, I'll be right back—

377. - Wait, wait, wait.

378. So I show up at the party

379. dressed casual.

380. Casual?

381. - Business casual.

382. But when I get in,

383. I see it is black tie formal.

384. So I'm hopelessly underdressed.

385. - No.

386. - Yes.

387. And then, he says...

388. - Why isn't Spencer back yet?

389. - I don't know,

390. but Gibby's been doing this bit

391. for four minutes.

392. - So it's at least an hour

393. and a half later,

394. and I come back to the party,

395. now dressed appropriately—

396. - Yay, a happy ending!

397. Now, I really should go upstairs

398. and check on Carly.

399. - Wait, I'm getting to the part

400. about the mushroom tartlet.

401. - Are you?

402. - Can I stop?

403. - Spencer's not back yet.

404. - Keep going.

405. - Torture.

406. It tastes so bad.

407. - Heinous.

408. - Where have you been?

409. - Candice was telling me

410. a story about mushroom tartlets

411. and wouldn't shut up.

412. - Well, hurry up

413. and put on that cowboy stuff.

414. Okay.

415. Cornucopia.

416. - Psst.

417. - Sorry Gibby,

418. that's all we have time for.

419. - And now...

420. - Hi.

421. - Oh, well, hello there,

422. farm girl.

423. - You have a squirrel

424. on your face.

425. - Why, no ma'am.

426. The only furry thing

427. upon my face

428. would be this a'here mustache.

429. - Really?

430. - Well, excepting for these,

431. which is eyez-brow.

432. - Those are baby squirrels.

433. - What?

434. No ma'am, you've made a mistake,

435. part two.

436. I'm afraid I must reittamerate:

437. "There ain't nary

438. no squirrels upon my face."

439. - You're stupid.

440. - Oh.

441. What's up?

442. - Hi.

443. - Hey-hey, hey, hey.

444. - Hey.

445. - You just done went

446. and bit my foot.

447. - Shhhh.

448. You'll wake up the squirrels

449. on your face.

450. - There ain't a'no squirrels

451. on my face.

452. - This concludes

453. tonight's installment of...

454. And now, please enjoy

455. this pre-taped,

456. super-slow motion footage

457. of Carly

458. shaking her very wet hair

459. much like a dog after a swim.

460. - Please, don't go

461. back downstairs

462. 'til the show's over.

463. - I have to.

464. - Dad's watching.

465. I want the show to be great.

466. - I'll be back

467. up in three minutes.

468. - You said that last time.

469. - I promise.

470. Eyebrows... Oww!

471. - Okay, after the wet

472. hair thing,

473. play a couple more clips

474. while I set up

475. for "Hey, What Am I Licking?"

476. - Okay.

477. - Who's gonna be the licker?

478. - You.

479. - Awesome.

480. Here I come!

481. Sorry, it took so long,

482. but Carly needed—

483. Aah, aah!

484. Aah.

485. Who's hungry?

486. - I am.

487. Are you all right?

488. - Sure, why? What?

489. - Well, you just tumbled down

490. a flight of hardwood stairs

491. and you're wearing

492. a big fake mustache.

493. - Oh, yes.

494. I was just helping Carly

495. with a biology project

496. for school.

497. - How's a fake mustache tie in

498. with a high school

499. biology project?

500. - Do you like yams?

501. - Sure.

502. - Good!

503. 'cause I made a lovely yam puree

504. with almond butter

505. to go with

506. our roasted stuffed chicken.

507. How's that sound?

508. - Delicious,

509. and it smells divine.

510. - Divine.

511. Now, you sit there.

512. - All right.

513. And here's some yam puree...

514. - Thank you.

515. - Try it.

516. - Okay.

517. Mmm, the almond butter

518. gives it such a rich...

519. - Okay, is it a shoe?

520. - No, no! Keep guessing.

521. - Ummm, is it a guitar?

522. - No, lick it again!

523. C'mon, 23 seconds left!

524. - Ummm, um, is it a basket?

525. - Oh, wrong, not a basket!

526. Listen to your tongue!

527. - My tongue is still numb

528. from the mustard.

529. - Ten seconds!

530. - Oh, uh,

531. is it a tennis racquet?

532. - Yes!

533. - Wow!

534. Good licking, Gib.

535. - Yeah, baby!

536. - This has been...

537. - Okay, coming up next,

538. the Englishman

539. who was a terrible father

540. to his two children

541. named Fuffley & Peeta.

542. - Fuffley and Peeta!

543. - But for the next two minutes,

544. please enjoy this footage

545. that Freddie shot

546. of a crazy old man

547. screaming at a stop sign.

548. - Playback.

549. - I'm in a hurry,

550. you red octagonal demon.

551. Turn green!

552. What happened to Johnny Carson?

553. Answer me that.

554. - Me!

555. Yay.

556. - What is that sound?

557. - It's your new baby,

558. me little brother.

559. - I have no new baby!

560. - But of course you do,

561. his name is Lumpley.

562. Look, the nanny

563. is bringing him now.

564. - Here's baby Lumpley.

565. - Yay, yay, yay!

566. It's my family!

567. Yay, I live in England!

568. Baby Wumpley want to have

569. an English accent!

570. Yay!

571. - That is not my child!

572. - Oh.

573. - Remove him.

574. - But sir, you requested

575. I bring him.

576. - He is indeed

577. your child, father.

578. - Poppycock!

579. - Poppycock!

580. Baby Wumpley wanna do

581. the poppycock dance.

582. - Yay!

583. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

584. Now baby hungee!

585. Waaaah!

586. - Someone feed that beast!

587. - Yeah.

588. - Might I also have

589. some food, father?

590. - No, floss my toes.

591. - Oh, father!

592. - Get between daddy's toes.

593. - Floss.

594. - Father, please.

595. It smells like gorgonzola.

596. Yay, baby so hungee!

597. - Have some creamed fish.

598. - Yay, hungee, hungee!

599. Whoa, maaaah.

600. Creamed fish is bad.

601. No, no more.

602. I don't want it.

603. - What is going on here?

604. - Uh-oh.

605. Baby was worried

606. this would happen.

607. - Spencer?

608. - Could you give me

609. like five minutes

610. and I'll be right down?

611. - I've been waiting

612. almost a half-hour

613. down there by myself.

614. And what is all this anyway?

615. - It's a live web show,

616. and we refuse

617. to break character.

618. - Who is this woman?

619. Off with her head!

620. - If her head does come off,

621. might I please eat it?

622. - I feel it's time

623. for baby Lumpley

624. to have some more creamed fish.

625. - Oh!

626. - Oh! Oh, good heavens.

627. Baby Lumpley has creamed fish

628. stuck in his gullet.

629. - I'll heimlich his tummy.

630. Uh-oh.

631. That wasn't very sophisticated.

632. - You're all freaks.

633. - Come again.

634. - Strumpet.

635. - Bye, bye, pantyhose!

636. - Well, I think that's it

637. for this unusual episode

638. of iCarly.

639. I love you, Dad. Stay safe.

640. Bye, Daddy!

641. I'm sorry if this

642. embarrasses you.

643. - Wait, before we go,

644. I think baby Lumpley wants

645. some more creamed fish.

646. - Nooooo!

647. - Now I will play the part

648. of a teenage girl

649. who's upset about many things.

650. - And I will play the part

651. of her friend

652. offering helpful suggestions.

653. Action!

654. - My mom hates me!

655. - Then go to iCarly.com.

656. - I flunked my French test!

657. - Then go to iCarly.com.

658. - I feel bloated!

659. - Then go to iCarly.com.

660. - The globe is warming!

661. - Then go to iCarly.com.

662. - Obama won't return

663. my phone calls!

664. - Then go to iCarly.com.

665. - I wanna be a vegetarian,

666. but I love meat!

667. - Then go to iCarly.com.

668. - So should I go to iCarly.com?

669. - Pretty much.

670. Mmm!