iCarly 2x8

Directed by Roger S. Christiansen

Mary Scheer as Marissa Benson • Jim Pirri as Mario • Wendy Haines as Trudy • Guistina Chirco as Funeral Attendee • Kathleen DeCarlo-Leavitt as Funeral Attendee

When the group's favorite pie shop closes down due to the death of the head chef, they go out to find the recipe for their favorite pie. The only person believed to have the recipe is the chef's granddaughter. She agrees to give them the recipe if she can go on a date with Spencer. She takes it a bit too far, and confesses that she never owned the recipe. Carly, Sam and Freddie hatch a plan to find the recipe. Meanwhile, Mrs. Benson's cousin's baby visits for a few days, making Freddie uneasy about it because his cousin always has a blank expression when she sees Freddie. Freddie tries finding a way to succeed in making his cousin laugh.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - Hey, hey. I'm not here

2. for your entertainment.

3. I'm a foot.

4. Leave me alone.

5. - Oh, foot.

6. - Hey, Carly.

7. - Oh, hey.

8. - Is Sam here?

9. - No, why?

10. - 'Cause I pulled a prank

11. on her.

12. - You pulled a prank on Sam?

13. - Uh-huh.

14. - What,

15. are you tired of living?

16. Why would you mess with Sam?

17. - Because she put a dead fish

18. in my locker. Smell this.

19. - No. Gross. I don't wanna smell

20. your fishy backpack.

21. What prank did you play on Sam?

22. - Open the door!

23. - Call the police.

24. Open this door!

25. - Leave me alone, Sam!

26. We're even.

27. Come here, Benson!

28. - You handcuffed her to Gibby?

29. - She put a dead fish

30. in my locker.

31. - Gibby's way worse

32. than a dead fish!

33. - My mom thinks I'm awesome.

34. - Just give me the key!

35. - Give her the key.

36. - Only if she promises—

37. - No, Sam. Don't, don't!

38. - Go away. Go away!

39. - No, no, no!

40. - Carly, call the police!

41. - Freddie—

42. - Somebody help me!

43. - Ow, my arm!

44. - Where's the key?

45. - In my front pants pocket,

46. left side.

47. - Get the key out of his pocket.

48. - Okay.

49. Eww, no.

50. - Just let me up

51. and I'll give you the key.

52. - Please!

53. - Now, unlock me.

54. - Like Gibby's therapist

55. didn't have enough to deal with.

56. - Come on, you put a dead fish

57. in my locker.

58. I handcuffed you to Gibby.

59. We're even.

60. - Yay! Who wants lemonade?

61. - I don't play to get even.

62. Mama plays to win.

63. I'm gonna get you.

64. Maybe not today,

65. maybe not tomorrow,

66. but I'm gonna get you.

67. - I'm not scared.

68. - Really?

69. - Are you gonna throw up in it?

70. - Uh-huh.

71. In five, four, three, two—

72. - Spencer hikes the ball.

73. He looks, he sees—

74. Spencer Shay

75. is handsome and open,

76. pressure, laterals,

77. touchdown!

78. - We're back.

79. - S'up, Spence?

80. - Hey!

81. - Hey.

82. Where have you guys been?

83. - A movie.

84. - We saw "The First Kiss."

85. - Eww. How was it?

86. - Same as every other stupid

87. teen chick movie ever made.

88. - It made me embarrassed

89. to be a teen chick.

90. - So what up with that thing?

91. - He wants to be

92. a professional football player.

93. - Hey, come on.

94. It could happen.

95. - Sure, if all the other

96. professional football players

97. are eaten by lions.

98. - Uh, wrong.

99. The Seattle Cobras

100. are holding open tryouts

101. for the first time ever

102. and I'm going for it.

103. - It's his dream

104. that will never be.

105. - Oh, yeah?

106. Hold this.

107. - What are you doing?

108. - Sam, you throw pretty hard,

109. right?

110. - Yeah, I can throw.

111. - Good.

112. I want you to throw me that ball

113. as hard as you can

114. then I'm gonna run it

115. all the way back

116. through that door

117. and see if you guys can stop me.

118. - What's this gonna prove?

119. - We're ninth grade girls.

120. Just throw the ball!

121. Ahhh!

122. - Sorry.

123. - Are you okay?

124. - I'm fine.

125. Just next time,

126. if you can throw the ball

127. a little higher,

128. that'll be great.

129. - Hey.

130. What's the baseball bat for?

131. - Nothin'. As long as Sam

132. keeps her distance.

133. - Relax. I'm too tired

134. to get you back tonight.

135. - Good.

136. So, how was "The First Kiss"?

137. - Worst movie ever.

138. - I told you guys

139. that movie was gonna be awful.

140. I mean, even the title,

141. "The First Kiss."

142. - I know.

143. - So, who was yours?

144. - Who was my what?

145. - Your first kiss.

146. - Sam.

147. - Come on,

148. we're all friends here.

149. Well, two friends

150. and a coworker.

151. Who was your first kiss?

152. - Okay.

153. It was Ben Hoobsher.

154. - Nobody's last name

155. is Hoobsher.

156. - Yes, it is.

157. He kissed me

158. under a kumquat tree

159. and his lips tasted

160. like potato salad.

161. - Was it good?

162. - Hmm, just an average

163. little kiss.

164. - No, the potato salad.

165. - Oh, yeah. Really good.

166. - Nice.

167. My first kiss was with

168. Buddy Hinten

169. at a Cuddlefish concert,

170. in a porta-potty.

171. - Hmm, so romantic.

172. - Whatever.

173. All I know is, now I can't stop

174. thinking about potato salad.

175. Does that little market

176. across the street

177. stay open late?

178. - Yeah, 'til 10.

179. - Does that skeevy guy

180. still hang around out front?

181. - Yeah.

182. - I'll be back.

183. - So, who was your first kiss?

184. - You don't need to know.

185. - I absolutely need to know.

186. - Ah, I need money

187. from other people.

188. - Okay. Then, just tell me

189. her first name.

190. - Oh, is that a new ceiling?

191. - Who was your first kiss?

192. - I haven't had my first kiss.

193. - Oh, shut up.

194. - I've never kissed anyone.

195. - But what about

196. that rotten girl

197. you dated last year,

198. Valerie?

199. You kissed her, right?

200. - No.

201. Well, for like

202. half a second at school

203. with a bunch of other kids

204. hanging around.

205. But, no, I've never had

206. a real kiss.

207. - Oh.

208. Well, I think it's kind of sweet

209. that you haven't kissed

210. anyone yet.

211. - It's not sweet.

212. It's lame.

213. And you've gotta swear to me

214. that you won't tell anyone,

215. especially Sam.

216. There's nothin'

217. to be embarrassed of.

218. Carly, I mean it.

219. Promise me?

220. I promise.

221. - Catch it.

222. Catch it!

223. Catch it.

224. Yes! Now, run!

225. Go! Run, run, run!

226. Good! You got it!

227. You got-oh! You fell down.

228. - Aren't you supposed

229. to be training

230. for the Cobra's tryouts?

231. - I am training.

232. I'm watching football,

233. learning about football,

234. snuggling a football.

235. - I knew you weren't

236. gonna take this seriously.

237. - I am too

238. taking it seriously.

239. I just can't get—

240. - Off your lazy butt?

241. - All right.

242. There.

243. Look, my butt's up and moving.

244. - Great, 'cause I'm sure

245. all professional

246. football players do that.

247. - They would if they could.

248. Oh, cramp! Oh, cramp!

249. Oh, cramp.

250. Cramp!

251. Oh! Ow!

252. Ow!

253. - Okay. Now that you're done

254. doing the butt-cramp dance,

255. you need to exercise.

256. - Well, it's hard to exercise

257. when you don't have

258. someone there to motivate you.

259. - Do you really wanna be

260. a Seattle Cobra?

261. - Yes, with all my heart.

262. - Okay.

263. Then I'm gonna motivate you.

264. - Huh.

265. - You're gonna start

266. by building up some muscle.

267. - I have muscles.

268. - Do you?

269. - Yes.

270. - Then, take off your shirt

271. and jump up and down.

272. - I don't want to.

273. - Why not?

274. - 'Cause I'll jiggle.

275. - Then you need

276. to build some muscle.

277. - How?

278. - Oh, I'll show you how.

279. - Come on!

280. - I'm going.

281. - Is that all you got?

282. - Be a man!

283. - You can do better than that!

284. - Stop jiggling!

285. - Come on!

286. - It burns!

287. - Hurry up!

288. A hundred and ten percent.

289. - Oh.

290. Oh, god.

291. Oh, man, how long

292. have I been running?

293. - A minute and 45 seconds.

294. Keep going!

295. - It's so boring,

296. just going around in circles.

297. - Okay, then take me upstairs.

298. - What?

299. - You heard me. Upstairs!

300. - Okay!

301. - Quit complaining.

302. Come on!

303. - Oh, this is impossible!

304. Move it!

305. What have

306. you been eating?

307. You can do it.

308. Oh, my groin!

309. - Okay. Next on iCarly—

310. - Please enjoy this preview

311. of a new movie called—

312. "Kelly Cooper.

313. Terrible Movie."

314. she just wanted to fit in

315. with the popular crowd.

316. - You wanna fit in

317. with the popular crowd?

318. - I do.

319. - Well, too bad!

320. - No!

321. But Kelly

322. had other ideas.

323. She tried on a bunch

324. of different clothes...

325. danced all around...

326. fell down

327. a few times...

328. and somewhere

329. along the way,

330. she met the guy of her dreams.

331. - I can't be your boyfriend.

332. - You can be whatever

333. you wanna be, Chad.

334. And now, Kelly's

335. turning the whole town

336. upside down.

337. - Come on, everyone,

338. jump around with me.

339. I can't believe this!

340. I never lose.

341. - Guess you got

342. your comeuppance.

343. - Sorry, Natalie.

344. Or should I say, Nata-loser.

345. A comedy

346. no one wants to see.

347. It's really bad.

348. - Oh, oh, please.

349. - Yeah, thank you so much.

350. Thanks, really.

351. - It's definitely

352. too much of us, really—

353. - Okay, that wraps up

354. iCarly for tonight, so—

355. - Oh, wait.

356. Just one more little thing.

357. - What?

358. - You guys all know

359. our technical producer, Freddie.

360. Show yourself

361. to the people, Freddie.

362. - Hello.

363. - That was Freddie, who last

364. week, handcuffed me to a nerd.

365. So now, guess what?

366. Freddie has never kissed a girl.

367. Never. Not once.

368. I heard him say so myself

369. and Carly is a witness.

370. Okay. Later.

371. - Sam! Sam!

372. You just ruined Freddie's life!

373. I don't wanna be here.

374. - Come on. Come on.

375. I don't wanna—

376. I don't—I—

377. - Come on.

378. - I don't wanna be here.

379. - You can't ditch school.

380. - Everyone's gonna make fun

381. of me.

382. - You're being way too dramatic

383. about this.

384. Now, come on,

385. take off that insane disguise.

386. See? No one's laughing.

387. I told you, you're being

388. way too dramatic—

389. - Hey, it's Benson.

390. - Give me my afro.

391. - No.

392. Just 'cause a few rude guys

393. made kissy noises at you

394. is no reason—

395. - Freddie.

396. Freddie, I don't mean to be rude

397. but I hear you've never kissed

398. a girl.

399. - Well, thanks for stopping by.

400. - The important thing

401. is to be proud of yourself.

402. You need to face the world

403. with shoulders cocked and say,

404. "I am Freddie Benson,

405. and I have never kissed a girl."

406. - Hey there. Stop that!

407. Stop laughing

408. at this unfortunate misfit!

409. - Okay. So far, things aren't

410. going that well, but—

411. - Can I go home now?

412. - I would.

413. - Hey.

414. - Hello, Gibby.

415. Carly's not home

416. from school yet.

417. - I know.

418. She sent me here.

419. - Carly sent you here?

420. - Yeah.

421. She was supposed

422. to help you train this afternoon

423. for your football tryouts,

424. right?

425. - Yeah.

426. - Well, she had something to do

427. so she sent me

428. with a list of instructions.

429. - Well, that's really nice

430. of you, Gibby,

431. but I decided I'm gonna bail

432. on the whole Cobras

433. tryout thing,

434. so you can run along

435. and do whatever it is

436. Gibbys do, okay?

437. What was that about?

438. - Well, Carly said,

439. "If Spencer tries to be lazy,

440. throw a cup of water

441. in his face to perk him up."

442. - Right.

443. Well, that was hot coffee!

444. - Oh.

445. Well, can I have a cup of water?

446. - No!

447. - Look, I promised Carly

448. I'd work out with you,

449. so let's do this!

450. - Okay.

451. We'll go for a run

452. around Woodley Park.

453. - But that's all the way

454. across town.

455. - I know. Here's $10.

456. You take a bus

457. and I'll run there.

458. And that way

459. I'll get even more exercise.

460. - Why can't I just run

461. with you—?

462. - Trust me

463. this is a great plan.

464. - I promised Carly

465. I'd work out with you.

466. - Don't worry your pretty head

467. about it.

468. - What time do you think

469. you'll get to the park?

470. - You'll see me soon.

471. - Are you sure

472. this is a good plan?

473. - You'll get tons of exercise.

474. Happy birthday, Gibby!

475. - It's not my birthday—

476. - I know you're very pretty.

477. - Hey. Sorry I'm late.

478. - You're always late.

479. - So? It's cool.

480. The show doesn't

481. start for three more minutes.

482. Where's Fredweird?

483. - Freddie's not coming.

484. - What?

485. Okay. He stayed home

486. from school all week,

487. he missed two iCarly rehearsals,

488. and now he's gonna

489. miss the show?

490. That's so unprofessional.

491. - You really hurt him.

492. Every time he leaves the house,

493. he gets teased

494. 'cause you told the whole world

495. he's never kissed anyone.

496. You know, he won't even talk

497. to his mom.

498. He just sits

499. on the fire escape alone

500. 'cause he's too embarrassed

501. to see anyone.

502. You, like, ruined his whole life

503. and you don't even care.

504. - All right.

505. I'll go apologize.

506. - It doesn't even matter

507. if you apologize,

508. kids are still

509. gonna give him a hard time

510. 'cause you can't take back

511. what you said.

512. - Look, I didn't mean—

513. - You went too far this time.

514. And you can't fix it.

515. - We got to start the show.

516. - Well, how can I do the show,

517. now that you made me feel

518. all depressed?

519. - I don't know. Just get in

520. front of the camera and do it.

521. In five, four, three, two—

522. - I'm Sam.

523. - And I'm Carly.

524. - And this is iCarly.

525. - The only web show

526. that contains no trans fat.

527. - And keeps kitty's litter box

528. smelling fresh all day.

529. - And now, what you've all

530. been waiting for.

531. - Carly and I are about

532. to have our very first—

533. Meatball war!

534. - We have our slingshots.

535. - And 100 meatballs.

536. - But, um, before we start

537. our meatball war,

538. I wanna say something.

539. On the last iCarly,

540. I told you guys that Freddie

541. never kissed anyone.

542. And that was really personal

543. and I shouldn't have said it

544. on the show.

545. And for all you people out there

546. who've been teasing Freddie

547. about it, lay off,

548. 'cause I bet a whole lot of you

549. haven't kissed anyone either.

550. Including me.

551. Yeah, that's right.

552. I've never kissed anyone.

553. So, if you wanna tease someone

554. about it, tease me,

555. which is a bad idea unless

556. you live near a hospital.

557. - Ahm, our meatball war

558. will be happening soon,

559. but for now, please enjoy

560. this photo

561. of a man with shrimp up

562. his nose.

563. - Why did you stop the show?

564. - That was amazing.

565. What you just did.

566. - Eh.

567. - You lied so people

568. would stop teasing Freddie.

569. - I didn't lie.

570. - Wait.

571. You've seriously

572. never kissed anyone?

573. - You shocked?

574. - Well, yeah, but just because

575. you always seemed so willing.

576. - I'm gonna go talk to Freddie.

577. I'm taking these meatballs.

578. - What's up?

579. - Nothing.

580. - Meatball?

581. - No, thanks.

582. That was really brave.

583. What you said.

584. - You heard?

585. - You didn't think

586. I'd miss iCarly.

587. - I'm sorry about telling people

588. you never kissed anyone.

589. And about putting

590. blue cheese dressing

591. in your shampoo bottle.

592. And about sending your

593. cell phone to Cambodia.

594. Everything, okay?

595. - So this means you're not

596. gonna mess with me anymore?

597. - No, I'm still gonna mess

598. with you.

599. I'm just gonna apologize

600. every few years

601. so I can start fresh again.

602. - Good.

603. - Good?

604. - Yeah. It'd be too weird

605. if you didn't make my life

606. miserable all the time.

607. But you know, maybe you

608. could pull back

609. just a little bit—

610. - I don't think so.

611. - Yeah, I didn't either.

612. - It's so dumb.

613. - What do you mean?

614. - You know, how people

615. get all freaked out

616. over their first kiss.

617. Stupid.

618. - So you weren't lying?

619. You've really

620. never kissed anyone?

621. - Nope.

622. Sometimes I just wish

623. I could get it out of the way.

624. - Yeah, I know, me too.

625. Right?

626. You know, just so

627. I can stop worrying about it.

628. - Yeah.

629. - What?

630. - Nothing. It's—

631. - Tell me.

632. - No, it's dumb.

633. - Say it.

634. - Okay. I was just gonna say—

635. - That we should kiss?

636. - You're gonna break

637. my arm now, right?

638. - No.

639. - Well, should we?

640. Just so both of us

641. can get it over with?

642. - Hmm.

643. Just to get it over with.

644. - Just to get it over with.

645. - And you swear we both go

646. right back to hating each other

647. as soon as it's over.

648. - Oh, totally.

649. And we never tell anyone.

650. - Never.

651. Well, lean.

652. - Well, that was, um—

653. - Nice?

654. - Yeah, nice, uh...

655. - Good work.

656. - Thank you. You too.

657. - Hey.

658. I hate you.

659. - Hate you too.

660. - Hey, Carly.

661. Hey, Sam.

662. My name's Tom Placid

663. and I can play basketball

664. and ride the unicycle

665. at the same time.

666. Mmm!