iCarly 1x6

Directed by Steve Hoefer

Mary Scheer as Marissa Benson • Nicole Gale Anderson as Tasha • Reed Alexander as Nevel Papperman • L.J. Bologna as Dancing Kid • Charles Kim as Chuck

Carly, Sam and Freddie want their show to be reviewed. Carly risks receiving a bad review when she insults the annoying eleven year old who runs a popular site that rates web casts.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, class was so boring.

2. How would you know?

3. You were asleep the whole time.

4. Then I guess

5. I dreamed class was boring.

6. Well, your dream came true.

7. Hey! Guess what I got from

8. the audio-visual department?

9. Whoa!

10. - So cool! Amazing! Awesome!

11. - That's incredible!

12. - We don't know what it is.

13. - No, and don't care.

14. It's called a green screen.

15. We can use it for

16. special effects on iCarly.

17. You guys stand in front of it,

18. and I have this software

19. that can make it any kind

20. of background we want.

21. Oh, so you could make it look

22. like we were in a snow storm

23. or standing on the moon

24. or something?

25. Exactly.

26. Can you make it look like

27. I'm standing on your face?

28. Must you always

29. attack me with words?

30. You want me to use rocks?

31. Hey, guys!

32. - Hi, Tareen.

33. - Oh, man.

34. You'll never guess who I saw

35. at the Cuddlefish

36. concert last night.

37. Who'd you see at the concert?

38. Our history teacher, Mr. Stern.

39. Look, I got a picture of him

40. at the concert last night.

41. Look at it, look at the phone,

42. Are you looking at it?

43. - Yes, we see!

44. That's Mr. Stern?

45. Is he wearing shorts?

46. Teachers shouldn't

47. wear shorts.

48. No.

49. It looks like

50. he's stage diving.

51. He was! It was insane,

52. I still can't believe it

53. and I'm the one who took

54. the picture with my cell phone.

55. Can you believe

56. Mr. Stern was at the concert?

57. I can't, I gotta go.

58. I like Tareen,

59. but after she talks to me,

60. I feel like I need a nap.

61. I can't believe Mr. Stern

62. would go to a concert.

63. Yeah, you don't really think

64. about teachers

65. having lives

66. outside of school.

67. I always thought

68. they just locked them up

69. in the teacher's lounge

70. at night.

71. Hey, get to class.

72. You, stop laughing.

73. I said get to class!

74. Respect the bullhorn!

75. That Ms. Briggs is a joy,

76. isn't she?

77. I wonder what she does

78. when she's not in school.

79. She probably spits on puppies.

80. Hey, you, get to class.

81. Hey, that could be

82. a really cool idea

83. for our web show.

84. We spit on puppies?

85. I meant we could do

86. a whole segment

87. on what mean teachers do

88. when they're not in school.

89. Nice.

90. I love her brain.

91. My brain says thanks.

92. Come on! Keep going! Move!

93. So, how do we do this?

94. We follow Ms. Briggs around

95. after school, you know,

96. with a video camera

97. and just see what she does.

98. And what if she's boring?

99. Yeah, what if she's not mean?

100. Ms. Briggs,

101. I picked you an orange

102. from my mother's tree.

103. I hate citrus fruit.

104. Now get to class!

105. I'm thinking she'll be mean.

106. - In five, four, three, two.

107. OK,

108. inside this box is a new piece

109. of technological equipment

110. that's gonna blow

111. you guys away.

112. What is it?

113. You buy yourself

114. a robot girlfriend?

115. I don't need

116. a robot girlfriend,

117. 'Cause 20 years from now,

118. I guarantee you

119. I will be

120. Carly's second husband.

121. What happened

122. to my first husband?

123. Nothing you can prove.

124. Just show us

125. what's in the box

126. before I get bored and leave.

127. There's nothing boring about

128. being able

129. to videotape Ms. Briggs

130. with no chance

131. of her finding out.

132. What did you get?

133. A teeny video camera

134. disguised as a piece of pie.

135. Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?

136. It looks real.

137. Yes, a real gigantic piece

138. of plastic pie

139. with a camera lens on the side.

140. Look, it comes

141. with a giant fork.

142. Give it!

143. This is a quality piece

144. of spy equipment.

145. My Aunt Maggie's boobs

146. look more real than that,

147. and they're ridiculous.

148. I really don't think

149. you're going to fool anyone

150. with that thing.

151. Oh, you don't?

152. Where's Spencer?

153. Downstairs with some girl

154. he's been going out with.

155. B-R-B.

156. - Come on, please?

157. - No.

158. Pretty please?

159. No, Spencer.

160. Pretty please

161. with sugar on top?

162. I'm diabetic, and I said no.

163. I'll be your best buddy.

164. Oh, alright.

165. Yes.

166. That is—

167. Don't mind me.

168. I'm just a guy having' some pie.

169. Hey, is that one of those

170. pie spy video cameras?

171. No, it is not.

172. Oh yeah,

173. they were talking about those

174. on the food channel.

175. Or was it the spy channel?

176. You know,

177. I think it was the spy channel.

178. I don't know

179. what you guy are talking about.

180. This is just

181. a normal piece of pie

182. that doesn't record anything.

183. But there's a big lens

184. on the side.

185. Oh, just forget it!

186. Two hours of boring.

187. I think we've

188. learned what mean teachers do

189. when they're not at school.

190. Yep,

191. nothing interesting enough

192. to put in our webcast.

193. Nope.

194. Hey, hey.

195. She's opening her door.

196. She's just

197. taking out her trash.

198. Hey! Go away!

199. - Get out of here!

200. - It's just a bee.

201. You don't understand,

202. I am extremely allergic

203. to bees.

204. Get out of here,

205. you stupid bee!

206. I think he wants my pie.

207. That is a stupid bee.

208. Whoa! Ow!

209. - Where are you going?

210. I can't get stung!

211. Are you insane?

212. Get out

213. of Ms. Briggs' apartment.

214. You can't just— get away!

215. It's a fake pie!

216. Can't you see

217. the big lens on the side?

218. It's a fake pie!

219. Come on!

220. We can't stay in here.

221. If Ms. Briggs catches us,

222. we're dead. Let's go!

223. No! That bee's still out there,

224. and by now he know

225. my pie was fake.

226. He's gonna be madder than ever.

227. Here she comes!

228. - Go in there!

229. - Aah!

230. - Ah!

231. - Sorry!

232. - Now what do we do?

233. - Shh, I'm thinking.

234. You know,

235. this might not be so bad.

236. Just you and me,

237. together, alone.

238. OK, we are in

239. a serious situation here.

240. This is no time for you

241. to bust a move.

242. Sorry.

243. We cannot let

244. Ms. Briggs find us.

245. Well, maybe we can wait until

246. she goes into another room

247. then we can make a run for it.

248. Maybe. Now, shh.

249. - What's she doing?

250. - You don't wanna know.

251. Hey, thanks for doing this.

252. No prob.

253. How come you're not hanging

254. with Carly and Freddie?

255. A person can only take

256. so much Freddie.

257. How come you didn't ask

258. your new girlfriend

259. to model for you?

260. I broke up with Connie.

261. Found out she was juggling

262. for other guys.

263. Oh, sorry.

264. Yeah, it hurt.

265. So, how do I be

266. a sculpture model?

267. You just sit over there

268. and do nothing.

269. Cool, just like school.

270. Yes!

271. 77...

272. 78...

273. 79.

274. So many leg lifts.

275. I think I found

276. the light switch, shut the door!

277. Shh!

278. - Freddie.

279. - Yeah?

280. Am I hallucinating

281. or are we surrounded by 2,000

282. Randy Jacksons?

283. Why does Ms. Briggs

284. have all this stuff?

285. I don't know.

286. I guess if you're

287. gonna be obsessed

288. with an American Idol judge,

289. you might as well pick one

290. that's firm but fair.

291. Yeah dog, you did your thing.

292. You want Ms. Briggs to hear us?

293. Randy said it, not me!

294. She's coming! Hide!

295. - No!

296. - That was hot, yo!

297. Aw, please be quiet,

298. Randy Jackson.

299. Well, good afternoon,

300. Randy Jackson.

301. Oh, you are looking

302. spiffy today.

303. Now, is there something

304. you'd like to say to me?

305. Yeah, we got us

306. a hot one tonight, baby!

307. Oh!

308. Oh, R.J.

309. You know,

310. I just finished my workout.

311. Would you like to see

312. how toned my glutes are?

313. So this is seriously

314. the first time

315. you've ever modeled

316. for a sculpture?

317. First time.

318. How am I doing?

319. Good.

320. Can I... sneak a peek?

321. Uh, yeah, sure.

322. Why not?

323. - Spencer?

324. - Mhm?

325. That's a fish.

326. Yeah. A tuna.

327. Or I suppose

328. you could argue it's a trout

329. you know, 'cause of the way

330. his lip curls up right here.

331. I thought you were sculpting me

332. for the past three hours.

333. Well, I started off

334. sculpting you,

335. but then I started thinking

336. about aquariums

337. and... he happened.

338. Then why am I still here?

339. I get lonely.

340. - What?

341. - Sam, listen!

342. Freddie and I are stuck hiding

343. in the closet

344. in Ms. Briggs' apartment.

345. Really?

346. That's some nutty stuff.

347. Will you just get over here?

348. On my way.

349. Sam's on her way.

350. And will you quit eating

351. the Randy-Yos?

352. No way, she's torturing

353. Carly and Freddie?

354. Freddie, you're so stupid.

355. Bagpipes?

356. Eww.

357. This is torture.

358. - Sam?

359. - Yeah.

360. Where are you?

361. I'm right outside

362. on the patio.

363. - What's the plan, man?

364. - OK, you call Ms. Briggs

365. and keep her distracted

366. on the phone

367. while Freddie and I

368. sneak out the front door.

369. One distraction, coming up.

370. Give me 60 seconds,

371. then go for the door.

372. See you on the outside.

373. Briggs.

374. Hello ma'am, have you purchased

375. any suspicious milk lately?

376. Suspicious milk?

377. Who is this?

378. Uh, this is Agent McMuffin

379. with the

380. Federal Bureau of Milk.

381. The FBM?

382. Uh, sure.

383. See, there have been reports

384. of counterfeit milk

385. and other dairy products

386. in the Seattle area.

387. Oh, sweet mother.

388. I just bought a tub of

389. Zingleberry yogurt yesterday.

390. It's OK, ma'am.

391. Just remain calm and proceed

392. to your refrigerator.

393. Of course.

394. Moron.

395. It's been 60 seconds.

396. Let's make our move

397. and get out of here.

398. Wait.

399. OK, ready.

400. What'd you put in your pocket?

401. Randy Jackson cologne?

402. Why do you want this?

403. 'Cause...

404. it smells tight, dawg.

405. The milk smells

406. just fine to me.

407. Are you sure

408. there's a dairy prob—

409. We're losing precious time!

410. I already checked my milk

411. and the tub of yogurt.

412. Yeah, but...

413. you better inspect

414. that cottage cheese

415. on the top shelf.

416. Alright.

417. But I don't see why the—

418. How did you know

419. my cottage cheese

420. was on the top shelf?

421. 'Cause I'm a professional,

422. ma'am.

423. Uh, don't go near

424. your patio door.

425. There's a dairy monster

426. on the loose

427. and you don't want to see—

428. Busted! Now, get inside!

429. But I can explain.

430. I'm sure you can.

431. I can. See, I'm doing

432. this school project on...

433. On... how ladies react

434. when they think

435. their dairy products—

436. Freddie!

437. - Surprise!

438. - Surprise!

439. Yeah, happy birthday,

440. Ms. Briggs!

441. Let's sing our public domain

442. birthday song!

443. It's not my birthday!

444. Whoops, then, we better go.

445. - Come on, kids.

446. - Stop!

447. Happy... Hanukkah?

448. Kwanza?

449. Uh... I'm sorry I tripped

450. on your bagpipes.

451. - Are they OK?

452. - No.

453. He dented my blow stick

454. and punctured my squeeze bag.

455. Freddie'll pay

456. to have your bagpipes fixed.

457. And you think that'll get

458. the three of you

459. out of trouble?

460. Well, we were kinda hoping.

461. I don't think so.

462. Breaking into a teacher's home,

463. damaging property,

464. impersonating a dairy agent.

465. I could have you expelled.

466. I might even call the police.

467. Or you could let us run away

468. while you angrily shake

469. your fist in the air

470. and scream, "You rotten kids!"

471. Look, Ms. Briggs,

472. we never meant

473. to sneak into your house.

474. Then explain why you did.

475. Well, we were videotaping you

476. for our web show

477. to see what teachers are like

478. when they're not in school.

479. Ah, your web

480. show, iCarly.

481. I've seen it.

482. Nothing more than mucus

483. in the nose of the digital age.

484. Did she just call

485. our show a booger?

486. iCarly's great.

487. Thousands of people

488. watch it every week.

489. Thousands?

490. That's a pretty big booger.

491. Hmm, well,

492. since you're so interested

493. in showing your viewers

494. what teachers do

495. outside of school,

496. I think I have a solution

497. that will benefit us all.

498. What solution?

499. I won't suspend you from school

500. or call the police

501. if you let me perform

502. an original bagpipe song

503. on your web show.

504. You wanna be on iCarly?

505. - Just call the cops on us.

506. - Sam!

507. Why would you even wanna be

508. on our show?

509. Because, I see this

510. as a great opportunity

511. to show the world some culture,

512. To teach young people

513. about fine music.

514. Don't do it, Carls.

515. She's not even playing it

516. and I'm already bored

517. out of my mind.

518. Look, Ms. Briggs, I—

519. Put me on your webcast

520. or I will have you suspended

521. for breaking into my house.

522. And I will file a report with

523. the Seattle Police Department.

524. Your choice.

525. In five, four, three, two.

526. Hey, there. Welcome to iCarly.

527. - I'm Sam.

528. - I'm Carly.

529. - Blah blah.

530. - Blah blah.

531. Hey! Just read

532. the introduction I gave you.

533. Uh, tonight on iCarly,

534. instead of the worthless trash

535. we usually do here,

536. uh, please prepare to enjoy

537. some fine music

538. played on the bagpipes

539. by Ms. Francine Briggs.

540. Oops, wrong button.

541. Give me that.

542. And now,

543. here she is playing

544. an original song

545. she composed herself

546. called "Haggis and Moonlight,"

547. please welcome

548. the lovely and talented

549. Ms. Francine Briggs.

550. Thank you.

551. And now, for some real,

552. enriching entertainment.

553. This is so horrible.

554. Well, maybe we don't have

555. that big

556. of an audience tonight.

557. Sorry, look.

558. Whoa, all those people

559. are streaming us right now?

560. Biggest audience

561. we've ever had.

562. Yeah, and they all want us

563. to be out there

564. doing something funny.

565. Hey, hey, look at that.

566. Why is the number dropping?

567. 'Cause people

568. are turning us off.

569. We've lost over 10%

570. of our audience

571. in less than two minutes.

572. This is a disaster.

573. Do you know how hard we worked

574. to get that audience?

575. And Briggs is gonna ruin it

576. in one night.

577. Look, already

578. 20% of our audience, gone.

579. Man, this webcast is suckish.

580. I'd rather watch you.

581. Yeah! Go, balls, go!

582. How long is this song?

583. I don't even think

584. it's half over.

585. Well we've almost lost

586. over half of our viewers.

587. We gotta do something.

588. - What?

589. - What do you want?

590. The green screen.

591. - What about the green screen?

592. - Do you have it set up?

593. Yeah,

594. but I haven't tried it yet.

595. I was gonna test it out—

596. - Test it now.

597. - Or I'll test it now.

598. He'll test it now.

599. \

600. Hey, watch me juggle.

601. No way, baby.

602. This iCarly web show

603. is high-larious!

604. She's completely unaware

605. of the changing backgrounds!

606. We're getting

607. the audience back.

608. - Yeah!

609. - Hit me.

610. Thank you.

611. Aw! Your song's over?

612. Do another one.

613. Yeah! Come on, Ms. Briggs!

614. Do this! Come on!

615. Oh, Alright.

616. Hey, there's Ms. Briggs!

617. Thank you. Thank you all.

618. You see? That silly comedy

619. you girls do

620. is no match for

621. my true musical artistry.

622. You are so right.

623. Thank you for teaching us

624. that important lesson.

625. Certainly.

626. Freddie.

627. Mmm.

628. Mmm!

629. You smell delightful.

630. Thanks, Ms. Briggs.

631. Mmm.

632. Randy Jackson cologne?

633. It smells tight, dawg.

634. - Hey!

635. - You there.

636. You wanna see us do stuff

637. you can't see anywhere else?

638. - Do ya?

639. - I think they do.

640. Then go online to iCarly.com.

641. Yeah, go to iCarly.com.

642. Once you get to iCarly.com,

643. you can see me and Carly.

644. And Freddie and Spencer

645. do all kinds

646. of wacky, fun stuff.

647. You know you like wacky,

648. fun stuff.

649. So go online to iCarly.com.

650. And see stuff

651. you can't see anywhere else.

652. Only at iCarly.com.

653. - So go there!

654. - Do it!

655. Seriously!

656. Mmm!