iCarly 1x23

Directed by Steve Hoefer

Mary Scheer as Marissa Benson • Rachel G. Fox as Amber Tate • Samantha Hanratty as Morgan • Chris Flanders as TV Dad • Dakota Floeter as Guitarist

A television programming director realizes that iCarly is funnier than anything his network currently has available for the upcoming fall lineup. Unfortunatley, upon acquiring the show, the network takes it further and further away from Carly's original vision, and exploits and torments Freddie more than Sam and his mother combined.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Spencer, would you get that?

2. - It's open.

3. What are you doing?

4. Fencing with my robot.

5. - You beating him?

6. - Not yet.

7. But he's scared.

8. Wanna see me take him down?

9. Nah, I'm gonna go swallow

10. some of your food.

11. - Ha!

12. - Ah!

13. Hey, Freddie wants us

14. upstairs

15. so he can check the lighting

16. before the show.

17. Before I can even think

18. about "iCarly,"

19. what is this slop?

20. That slop is veggie pudding.

21. My cousins

22. are coming this weekend,

23. so I have to make stuff

24. they can eat.

25. The Dorfmans are coming here?

26. - This weekend?

27. - Yes.

28. I've told you three times.

29. Awww.

30. What? You hate your cousins?

31. I didn't say I hate them,

32. but, yes.

33. Well, what's wrong with them?

34. Besides their last name

35. being Dorfman?

36. And they're just all dorky

37. and goofy and weird

38. and have allergies

39. and sing songs.

40. And they stop by here

41. every year

42. when they take

43. their dumb family road trip

44. to the Fresno raisin parade.

45. How come I never met them?

46. 'Cause I like you.

47. - Let's go!

48. - Coming.

49. "iCarly" time.

50. - Aha.

51. What makes you waifs

52. think you can pass Spencer

53. the fencer?

54. Wait— don't.

55. Have a good show.

56. - In five, four, three, two.

57. Okay, and now

58. for another first on "iCarly."

59. Sam, you got a mouth full

60. of little watermelon seeds?

61. Uh-huh.

62. Watch this, people.

63. Go.

64. She spits. She scores.

65. Till next time.

66. Keep checking us out

67. right here at iCarly.com.

68. Not iSnarly.

69. iSnarly is just a web site

70. of a snarling dog.

71. - Not so good.

72. - See you.

73. Bye.

74. And we're out.

75. Whoo.

76. Okay, people,

77. let's go celebrate.

78. Whoa, you are not going out.

79. Why not?

80. 'Cause you only have

81. a week left

82. to read your book for school,

83. and you haven't

84. even started yet.

85. Sam? Read a book?

86. I can read a book.

87. Name three books you've read.

88. "Boogie Bear,"Boogie Bear II"

89. and "Boogie Bear III,

90. the Return of Boogie Bear."

91. Oh, my God, Sam,

92. you never read a real book?

93. I've been busy.

94. She couldn't read a book

95. If she tried.

96. Says you.

97. - Wanna bet?

98. - No.

99. - Sure.

100. - Oh.

101. I'll bet you I can read

102. "The Penny Treasure"

103. by the end of the week.

104. - Don't bet.

105. - It's a bet.

106. And they bet.

107. And shall we bet the yoozh?

108. - Don't bet the yoozh.

109. - The yoozh it is.

110. They bet the yoozh.

111. If we go, you promise

112. you'll start reading

113. as soon as you get home?

114. Yes, mother.

115. - You coming?

116. - Sure, where?

117. - Glitter Gloss?

118. - Ah.

119. What's Glitter Gloss?

120. It's the most boring,

121. girliest store ever.

122. Well, next to Build-a-Bra.

123. - Oh, let's go there too.

124. - Yeah.

125. I hear they got

126. new glow-in-the-dark straps.

127. And titanium hooks.

128. Ah.

129. - You coming or what?

130. - No.

131. - Good.

132. - Later.

133. Man, I cannot keep hanging out

134. with girls all the time.

135. You wanna come hang with me

136. at the fencing studio?

137. Is it fun?

138. Like, what goes on?

139. Just a bunch of guys

140. with swords,

141. Swinging them around

142. and fighting,

143. your basic dude fun.

144. - No gloss.

145. - No bras?

146. - Just bros.

147. - Let's go.

148. Alright.

149. Good work.

150. Nice lunging.

151. Let's all take a break.

152. - Well, what'd you think?

153. - It's pretty cool.

154. Can I try?

155. You think it'd be okay

156. with your mom?

157. - No.

158. - Let's do it.

159. Okay, now, the goal

160. is to land a touch,

161. on your opponent like this.

162. - Got it.

163. - En garde!

164. Oh, gosh.

165. - Like that?

166. - Yeah.

167. This is your first time

168. fencing?

169. - Uh-huh.

170. - Wow.

171. And you're already better

172. than me.

173. - Jerk.

174. - What?

175. Kidding,

176. you sensitive little beast.

177. Come on, let's go some more.

178. - En garde!

179. - Oh, gosh.

180. Hey, Spencer, you finally find

181. someone you can beat?

182. What's it to you, Toder?

183. - Who's he?

184. - Toder.

185. Just a rotten teenager

186. who thinks he's all bad,

187. cause he's good at fencing.

188. How many times have you

189. and me fenced?

190. Oh, I don't know, like 30?

191. And how many times

192. have you lost?

193. I don't know, like 30.

194. Yeah well I'd like to see you

195. beat my man Freddie here.

196. - Him?

197. That kid couldn't even beat

198. my boys Tripp and Cleeshay.

199. Yeah, he couldn't even beat us.

200. I got this.

201. Talk's cheap, Toder.

202. - Spencer. Is this a challenge?

203. Cleeshay,

204. did he just Challenge me?

205. I think he just did.

206. Friday night, eight o'clock.

207. Bring your saber.

208. Come on, guys,

209. let's go get some French toast.

210. Dude, why you do that?

211. I don't know how to fence.

212. Yeah,

213. but I hate that Doug Toder.

214. Hey, Spencer.

215. You guys!

216. One second.

217. Yeah.

218. You genius.

219. Come in.

220. That's a foul.

221. So is your social life.

222. What's up, Carly girl?

223. I'm making dinner.

224. Oh,

225. mama came at the right time.

226. So what you got for me

227. to taste?

228. You'd hate everything.

229. This is food for my cousins.

230. Ah, the Dorfmans.

231. You know how hard it is

232. making dinner for six,

233. without meat, lactose,

234. sugar, sodium, fat or gluten?

235. - How hard?

236. - Quite.

237. And don't take this

238. the wrong way,

239. but why are you here?

240. Because I need some place quiet

241. to get cracking on this book.

242. How come you can't read

243. at your house?

244. Ah, 'cause my mom

245. keeps screaming at the cat

246. to get a job.

247. Yeah, I don't know.

248. Hey, Carly, Freddie and I

249. are gonna head over

250. to the fencing studio.

251. No, you have to stay

252. and help me get ready

253. for the Dorfmans.

254. I'll be back in time to help.

255. He's got to get me ready

256. to take on Doug Toder.

257. But you have to help me

258. set the table to make sure—

259. Uh, sorry, can't hear you.

260. You're breaking up.

261. We are not talking

262. on cell phone.

263. - Bye.

264. - Later kiddo.

265. Boom, you're it!

266. Ah!

267. Wow, man.

268. You are good.

269. You got me like

270. 20 times in a row.

271. Twenty-two,

272. but who is counting—I am!

273. Alright, kid.

274. Don't get cocky yet.

275. You're good,

276. but you're not Doug Toder good.

277. Aww, can Toder do this?

278. Yes.

279. - Better practice some more.

280. - Ha!

281. En garde!

282. Ha-ha-ha!

283. Okay.

284. Come check out this clip

285. some kid sent in "iCarly."

286. This is insane.

287. You wanna know what's insaner?

288. The Dorfmans are gonna be here

289. any second,

290. Spencer's not back yet?

291. - Did you try calling him?

292. - No, Sam.

293. I'm just keeping my cell phone

294. warm here

295. between my cheek

296. and my shoulder.

297. He's not answering.

298. Well, maybe

299. something important came up.

300. Stop. Seriously.

301. Okay. Stop.

302. If he was doing

303. something important,

304. then

305. why didn't he just call me?

306. And—

307. The Dorfmans. Ew.

308. I'll be upstairs reading.

309. No.

310. Stay here

311. and have dinner with us.

312. You said they're

313. a bunch of dorks—

314. - Sam.

315. - Okay.

316. Yay.

317. I'm not eating

318. any of that jank food you made.

319. Hello, Carly.

320. Hi.

321. Hello.

322. This is my friend Sam.

323. Sam, this is my uncle Barry,

324. my aunt Tess, and my cousins,

325. Ozlottis and Faye.

326. Uh, what's that thing

327. around his neck?

328. Oh, Ozlottis has a scab

329. on his chin.

330. The cone keeps him

331. from picking at it.

332. I'm out.

333. Be right back.

334. You said

335. you'd have dinner with us.

336. Yes.

337. And then I met them.

338. Come on,

339. Spencer's not back yet,

340. and I don't think I can make it

341. through an evening alone

342. with the Dorfmans.

343. Oh, how bad can it be?

344. Duck.

345. Duck.

346. Duck. Duck.

347. Goose!

348. Carly, now you have to chase

349. Faye.

350. Okay.

351. Come here, Faye.

352. Hi.

353. Sorry, I am late.

354. - Hello, Spencer.

355. - Me too.

356. - Spencer.

357. - Hi.

358. We missed you at dinner.

359. Listen, I feel really bad

360. about being late,

361. but I was helping

362. Carly's friend, Freddie,

363. with his fencing.

364. - But I'm here now.

365. - Yeah, not good enough.

366. Whoa! The Dorfmans gotta hit

367. the road.

368. Yes,

369. we have a long drive to Fresno.

370. Right, for the raisin parade.

371. We haven't missed

372. the raisin parade in 12 years.

373. Ozlottis has a scab

374. on his chin.

375. - Okay. Come on, family.

376. - Bye, Spencer.

377. - Bye.

378. - Bye, Carly. Bye, Spencer.

379. We will see you next time.

380. - It's nature's fruit.

381. - You're mad at me.

382. - Yep.

383. - Look, I'm sorry.

384. But the time just got away

385. from me.

386. Well, I wish the time

387. had gotten away from me,

388. but no.

389. I got to spend

390. the last two hours

391. on planet Dorfman.

392. - You have every right to be

393. mad.

394. - Clearly.

395. See, Freddie's got to fence

396. this really mean kid named, Doug

397. Toder.

398. I don't wanna hear

399. about Doug Toder.

400. - But—

401. - Eh—

402. - Carly—

403. - I said, "Eh."

404. Your fencing

405. with Freddie days are over.

406. - But—

407. - No more fencing with Freddie.

408. Okay.

409. And since I made you

410. suffer through—

411. I did suffer.

412. I'll help you clean up

413. the kitchen.

414. No.

415. You'll go in there

416. and you'll clean up the kitchen

417. yourself.

418. Okay.

419. Hm.

420. Sam, you can come back

421. downstairs now.

422. - The Dorfmans left so—

423. - Shh.

424. You're actually reading

425. your book.

426. Sure am.

427. I am impressed.

428. Who's the dude?

429. David.

430. I hired him

431. read the book to me.

432. Then why is he rubbing

433. your feet.

434. 'Cause he was late.

435. So I started reading

436. the book myself

437. and it is fantastic.

438. These things are great.

439. It's like TV in your head.

440. Well, I'm happy you

441. like reading.

442. But I still didn't get

443. why David's rubbing your feet.

444. I already paid the kid.

445. I had to make him do something.

446. Please call my mother.

447. Harder.

448. Well, I guess this is it,

449. Senor saber.

450. I will never thrust you again.

451. It's open.

452. - What's up, Spence?

453. - Nothing.

454. Come on.

455. I just had a nap,

456. drank two cans of peppy cola,

457. and now I am ready for action.

458. I can't.

459. Why not?

460. Carly got mad at me

461. for missing dinner

462. with the Dorfmans.

463. Now I' not allowed to fence

464. anymore.

465. So you're just gonna

466. let your little sister

467. tell you what to do?

468. Oh, come on. Don't go getting—

469. What was that?

470. I sliced your banana.

471. What are you gonna do

472. about it, huh?

473. I'll show you

474. what I'm gonna do.

475. En garde!

476. Give me it.

477. Oh!

478. You promised me

479. no more fencing.

480. He sliced my banana.

481. Anyway, you can't stop us

482. from fencing.

483. Oh, can't I.

484. - Where is she going?

485. - I don't know.

486. Either of you guys

487. got any lotion?

488. - Sorry, buddy.

489. - Nope.

490. - Who's that?

491. - No idea.

492. He what?

493. - My mom.

494. - Oh, my God.

495. How dare you teach Freddie

496. something as dangerous

497. as fencing?

498. Mom, you don't know

499. anything about fencing.

500. It's not dangerous.

501. I know more about fencing

502. than you think.

503. You're coming home with me

504. right now

505. and having a tick bath.

506. I don't have ticks.

507. 'Cause the tick baths

508. are working, aren't they?

509. - Ha-ha. Tick bath.

510. - I should give you one.

511. Hey, Sam.

512. We found a tub

513. of old mayonnaise

514. in the dumpster

515. by the cafeteria.

516. We're gonna fill

517. these balloons with it

518. and throw it

519. at Ms. Briggs' car.

520. Come on.

521. Shh.

522. Reading.

523. Make sure

524. you get her windshield.

525. - Hi.

526. - Hey.

527. Freddie.

528. I'm sorry about the tick bath.

529. I was just really mad

530. at Spencer so I—

531. I am not upset

532. about the tick bath.

533. I get those every other week.

534. It's just—

535. Well, I do "iCarly" with you

536. and Sam all the time,

537. and I love it.

538. But it was just kinda cool

539. hanging' out with a guy,

540. you know?

541. Now you hate me.

542. Carly, come on.

543. You're like my best friend.

544. Your best friend that you hate.

545. I am not bad I promise.

546. Maybe we'll go get

547. a smoothie later, okay?

548. Okay.

549. Hey, Sam.

550. Does your mom drive you

551. on pickup truck?

552. - Yeah.

553. - It's on fire.

554. Shh. Reading.

555. - Absolutely not.

556. - But if I hadn't told you,

557. you never would've even known.

558. I will not allow Freddie

559. to fence.

560. But it's not dangerous.

561. - Ha!

562. - Come on.

563. Freddie needs some guy time.

564. And he and Spencer get along

565. very great,

566. so I think you should let him—

567. - What's going' on?

568. - Nothing.

569. Go home

570. and check yourself for ticks.

571. I'm trying to talk your Mom

572. into letting you fence.

573. - No.

574. - Why not?

575. I'm really good at it.

576. Don't you ever say that again?

577. - We're going home right now.

578. - No!

579. Fredward Benson!

580. Give me one good reason

581. why I shouldn't be allowed

582. to fence.

583. The Fencin' Bensons.

584. The Fencin' Bensons?

585. Sit down, Freddie.

586. I never wanted you to know.

587. What?

588. Your great grandfather,

589. long before you were born,

590. He led a troop

591. called the Fencin' Bensons.

592. They performed

593. with the Tingling

594. Brothers Circus.

595. It was him, his brother,

596. and their seven cousins.

597. They were gifted fencers,

598. wildly popular.

599. The Tingling Brothers?

600. Yes.

601. Your great grandfather

602. was a master at fencing.

603. But he became obsessed with it.

604. He forced my father to fence.

605. And later, my father made me.

606. Fencing's in our blood,

607. Freddie.

608. And I never wanted you

609. to become obsessed

610. like our ancestors.

611. Ah, come on.

612. - It's true.

613. - Right.

614. You know, my great grandfather

615. was a magic penguin.

616. His name was Pingo.

617. Mom, not letting me fence

618. is bad enough.

619. I can't believe you'd make up

620. such an insane lie.

621. I will not stand here

622. and be called a liar

623. by my own son,

624. or you, sassy pants.

625. Mom, you let me fence

626. against Doug Toder tonight

627. or else—

628. Or else what.

629. I'll never make another puzzle

630. with you again.

631. Freddie.

632. I mean it, Mom.

633. What's in that first aid kit,

634. an ambulance?

635. Just everything I need

636. in case Freddie gets hurt.

637. - He will be fine.

638. - You better hope so, Missy.

639. Well.

640. - You boys ready?

641. - Yes, sir.

642. You're going down, Fredward.

643. Ready.

644. Fence.

645. Point, Benson.

646. Alright, Fredo.

647. - Brilliant, Freddie.

648. - Kick his butt, Freddie.

649. - I can't believe it.

650. - Yeah?

651. Well, believe it punk.

652. Ready.

653. - Fence.

654. Point Benson!

655. - Whoo!

656. - Insanity.

657. Way to poke his chest, Freddie.

658. Poke it again!

659. One more point Benson wins.

660. What are you doing, Toder?

661. You're losing' it, man.

662. I know what I'm doing.

663. Ready.

664. Fence.

665. - What? Foul.

666. Come on.

667. - Out of my way.

668. You want a piece of me, Toder?

669. - Ah! Hey, help me.

670. Somebody get her.

671. - Yeah? Good luck.

672. Mom!

673. - Run!

674. Who's the best now, Toder?

675. Go get him, Mom!

676. - Alright!

677. - Yeah!

678. - Alright!

679. - So that's him?

680. - Yup.

681. That's my great granddad.

682. I always had a feeling

683. you came from circus people.

684. Come on.

685. Let's go rehearse for "iCarly."

686. - Let's do it.

687. - Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

688. Not so fast there, circus boy.

689. Pay up.

690. - Pay what up?

691. - I won the bet.

692. I read "The Penny Treasure"

693. cover to cover.

694. Yay. Good for Sam.

695. Let's go rehearse.

696. - Wait.

697. I don't believe you.

698. - Quiz me.

699. - Okay.

700. Who goes into the cave

701. and what does he find?

702. Jarvis goes into the cave

703. and finds the key

704. to tranquility,

705. four feet from Gideon's grave.

706. - Pay up.

707. You bet the yoozh.

708. Let's do it, boy.

709. Give me.

710. I'll get the mop.

711. Okay, do you think you've seen

712. everything new

713. there is to see at "iCarly"?

714. - Is that what you think?

715. - Well.

716. - You haven't. Nope.

717. - You ain't.

718. - You can see new videos.

719. - New pics.

720. - New blogs.

721. - New games.

722. - New lunch meats.

723. There are no lunch meats

724. at iCarly.com.

725. - Can we fix that?

726. - Shh.

727. The point is you can see

728. tons of new stuff.

729. Stuff you've never seen before.

730. - All at iCarly.com.

731. - iCarly.com.

732. You think we've said

733. Yeah. Wait, no.

734. - Mmm!