iCarly 1x22

Directed by Russ Reinsel

Mary Scheer as Marissa Benson • Anthony De Longis as Emile • Dalton O'Dell as Ozlottis Dorfman • Shane Partlow as Dr. Dorfman • Daniel Samonas as Doug Toder

Freddie's in need of some guy time, so he tags along with Spencer to go fencing. Freddie's a natural, but things get complicated when Spencer gets him involved in a match with the amazing Doug Toder. Meanwhile, Carly has to plan a dinner for her weird relatives, the Dorfmans, and with Spencer busy fencing, she might not get much help. Sam reveals that she has never read a real book, and a bet begins between her and Freddie: can Sam finish a book?

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1. Janky water fountain.

2. Carly Shay from "iCarly,"

3. right?

4. Yeah. Hi.

5. Philip Brownly.

6. I'm a junior

7. over Briarwood Prep.

8. Oh. Cool.

9. The water fountain

10. kind of sprayed me.

11. Ah.

12. I didn't want you to think

13. I was sweaty or drooly.

14. You're even funnier in person.

15. Listen, I'm

16. the student council president

17. at Briarwood.

18. Oh, fancy.

19. You know, We're the number one

20. private school in Seattle.

21. Yeah. I heard that.

22. Don't you guys have, like,

23. your own private jet?

24. - Helicopter.

25. - Right.

26. I know it was

27. some sort of flying vehicle.

28. Yeah.

29. Well, anyway,

30. on behalf of Briarwood,

31. this is for you.

32. What is it?

33. An invitation for an interview

34. with our headmaster,

35. Mrs. Peeloff.

36. She thinks you might fit in

37. nicely at Briarwood.

38. Wow, thanks.

39. But wait, isn't Briarwood

40. really expensive?

41. Full scholarship.

42. If Mrs. Peeloff meets you

43. and everything goes well,

44. you get to go at Briarwood

45. for free.

46. But why me?

47. Cause you're kind of famous.

48. You're the star of "iCarly."

49. Well, are you offering

50. the same thing for Sam?

51. We were until we checked

52. Sam's grades.

53. I understand.

54. So think about it

55. and someone will be in touch.

56. Okay. Thanks.

57. Hey, Seth.

58. Do me a favor and press

59. the water fountain button

60. there.

61. Sure.

62. Just push it?

63. Yeah. When I say "go."

64. Okay. Go.

65. - In five, four, three, two...

66. Okay, Mr. Man.

67. Here comes my ball.

68. Oh.

69. Ha-ha. You missed.

70. Yeah.

71. You just wait, buddy,

72. cause I'm coming for you.

73. Oh, hey.

74. Sorry.

75. I didn't mean to interrupt

76. your conversation

77. between you

78. and your wooden man friend.

79. He's not my friend.

80. See, I'm in for a job to design

81. a new mini golf course.

82. - Oh, cool.

83. - Yeah, it could be.

84. See, I gotta create

85. a bunch of test holes,

86. Shoot a video of them

87. and then, send it off

88. to the dude in charge

89. of that mini golf park.

90. You know,

91. the one down by the airport?

92. - King putts?

93. - Uh-huh.

94. Do you want to get that?

95. Of course not,

96. you're made of wood.

97. It's true.

98. Hey.

99. I grabbed your mail for you.

100. How did you get in our mailbox?

101. Yeah. You need the key.

102. No, you don't.

103. Hey, let's go rehearse

104. one more time

105. before the show tonight.

106. - Freddie is not here yet.

107. - Give me your cell phone.

108. What are you doing?

109. Texting Freddie—

110. and send.

111. Oh, what's all that stuff?

112. Golf holes.

113. Spencer is up

114. for a job designing—

115. Carly, I just got your text.

116. You mean it for real?

117. What did your text say?

118. I love you.

119. Oh, get over it.

120. You were unloved before,

121. You're unloved now.

122. Nothing's changed.

123. A scholarship

124. to Briarwood Prep?

125. Oh, yeah. How funny is that?

126. - Briarwood?

127. - That snotty rich kid's school?

128. For the rich and snotty?

129. They offered you a scholarship?

130. Well, sort of,

131. If their headmaster likes me.

132. But I don't think

133. I'd want to go to Briarwood.

134. - Good.

135. - You better not leave Ridgeway.

136. Did I just not say

137. I don't wanna go to Briarwood?

138. I'm not sure.

139. I'm too focused on doing this.

140. Oh!

141. Yeah, buddy.

142. You see that?

143. Ow.

144. Whoo. Look at this.

145. Briarwood

146. has its own ice hockey rink.

147. You said

148. you didn't wanna go there.

149. I know.

150. Then quit

151. looking at their dumb website.

152. Man, we're live in 15 seconds.

153. Off my laptop.

154. Pushy.

155. Okay.

156. We're live

157. in five, four, three, two.

158. Hey.

159. Thanks for coming here

160. to iCarly.com.

161. Warning.

162. The following greeting

163. maybe frightening

164. to younger viewers

165. and the elderly.

166. Freddie,

167. it's monster voice time.

168. Go for it.

169. I'm Carly.

170. I'm Sam.

171. And this is—

172. - iCarly.

173. - iCarly.

174. - iCarly.

175. - iCarly.

176. - iCarly.

177. - Okay.

178. So, you guys know

179. how golf is like

180. a really boring sport, right?

181. - Wrong.

182. - That's right, wrong.

183. 'Cause Carly's brother,

184. Spencer, is building

185. One of the coolest golf courses

186. ever.

187. Well, mini golf.

188. - Which is like regular golf.

189. - Only minier.

190. Check this out.

191. Carly's brother calls

192. this the "toilet bowl hole."

193. And he calls this one

194. "the crazed toddler."

195. Let's putt d'putt.

196. Yes.

197. You see that?

198. Oh, yeah.

199. All right.

200. Yeah.

201. Okay.

202. Okay, here we go.

203. - Oh.

204. - Yeah.

205. Hole-in-one.

206. - Hey.

207. - Hey, Spencer.

208. - Hey.

209. - Whatcha doing?

210. I'm trying to fix this thing.

211. For some reason,

212. the bell won't ring

213. When the thing—

214. - Spencer.

215. - Are you okay?

216. Yeah.

217. Yeah.

218. I think

219. the bell is working now.

220. Ah!

221. - Come on, get up.

222. - Okay.

223. Hey, Gibby.

224. What you doing here?

225. We saw the mini golf stuff

226. on "iCarly."

227. - We wanna play.

228. - Whoa, whoa, you guys.

229. This isn't a real course.

230. We'll give you money.

231. Okay.

232. Five bucks per kid.

233. Hey, I can't take money

234. from children.

235. I can.

236. Come on.

237. You want these kids

238. to spend 10, 20 bucks

239. At some boring mini golf course

240. out there in the cold and rain

241. Where bad kids may tempt them

242. with unhealthy snacks?

243. Well,

244. when you putt it that way.

245. Please enjoy the course.

246. Yeah!

247. Let's do this.

248. Hi.

249. I got a package for Shay,

250. comma, Carly.

251. I'm Shay, comma, Carly.

252. Those are turkey legs.

253. Well, okay.

254. Who's it from?

255. What does the card say?

256. It says,

257. "Please consider joining us

258. "as you enjoy

259. this fine turkey legs.

260. Your friends, the students

261. and teachers of Briarwood."

262. They sent you turkey legs?

263. Wow. They really want you

264. at that school.

265. Yeah.

266. Carly—

267. What are you thinking'?

268. I'm thinking about

269. a bunch of sad turkeys going,

270. "What happened to my legs?"

271. "Have you seen my legs?"

272. Hey.

273. I was wondering where you were?

274. I were here.

275. Did all those kids finish

276. playing golf downstairs?

277. Yeah. I finally got them all

278. to go home.

279. You know that redheaded kid,

280. Ernie?

281. He swallowed two golf balls.

282. Oh, my God. What did you do?

283. Should I have done something?

284. You're checking out

285. the Briarwood websites?

286. Yeah.

287. Do you think

288. I'm being dumb about this?

289. Why, are you thinking

290. you might wanna go there?

291. I'm not gonna leave

292. Ridgeway and Sam and Freddie,

293. and all my friends.

294. - You don't have to.

295. - You're my brother.

296. You're supposed to encourage me

297. to take on new challenges.

298. Well, if you wanna explore

299. the possibilities—

300. Just tell me what to do.

301. Okay. Listen.

302. I'm your older brother

303. so I'll help you

304. through

305. this difficult decision.

306. Just close your eyes.

307. Okay.

308. Okay.

309. There are two roads

310. in front of you,

311. road "A".

312. And the one on the left—

313. Thank you.

314. And surprisingly,

315. 17 members of congress

316. could fit

317. into one pair of his pants

318. which proves

319. that William Howard Taft

320. was the fattest president

321. the United States

322. has ever known.

323. Um, will this all be

324. on the test?

325. Oh, Carly, here at Briarwood

326. we don't have tests,

327. we have frozen yogurt.

328. Frozen yo—

329. Oh. Okay.

330. Would you like any toppings?

331. Well, I do like nuts.

332. Nuts.

333. Now, who can tell me

334. how many sides a triangle has?

335. - Three.

336. - Correct.

337. David, please give Carly

338. a hundred dollars.

339. I get a hundred bucks

340. whenever I answer

341. a question right?

342. Of course.

343. This is Briarwood.

344. Massage time.

345. Oh, oh, this school is amazing.

346. I'm gonna have

347. some more of my yogurt now.

348. Oh.

349. Oh, it was just a dream.

350. Hey and welcome

351. to the web show.

352. Huh?

353. Carly is not on this show

354. anymore

355. 'cause she goes

356. to Briarwood now.

357. And made all new friends,

358. But don't worry

359. I'm not alone here.

360. I'm Gibby.

361. And I'm Sam.

362. And this is a little show

363. we like to call—

364. iGibby. Okay.

365. Okay, first,

366. I had a sweet dream,

367. now I'm having

368. a nightmare.

369. I wanna dream sweetly

370. some more.

371. Oh.

372. Oh.

373. This is nice.

374. I like Briarwood.

375. Briarwood.

376. Briarwood.

377. And frozen yogurt.

378. Frozen yogurt.

379. Frozen yogurt.

380. With nuts.

381. Nuts.

382. Nuts.

383. Nuts.

384. Yeah.

385. Sam.

386. Sam, my mom has been

387. in a horrible accident.

388. - Calm down.

389. - I got to get to the hospital.

390. My mom's car

391. is in the bottom—

392. Your mom's fine.

393. But, I just got a message

394. saying—

395. I sent the message

396. to your teacher.

397. I needed to get you

398. out of class so we could talk.

399. How did you?

400. Yes, can you please give

401. a message to Freddie Benson.

402. His mother drove her car

403. into a swimming pool.

404. You are a sick person.

405. We've got a problem.

406. What kind of problem?

407. In homeroom, Carly told me

408. she's gonna have that interview

409. with the headmaster

410. of Briarwood.

411. Briarwood?

412. Carly's gonna go there?

413. If the headmaster likes her.

414. Well, who doesn't like Carly?

415. That's the problem, wiz pants.

416. Of course she'll like Carly,

417. and then Carly will go there,

418. make all new friends

419. and then bye-bye us.

420. I don't want to be bye-bye'd.

421. Good.

422. 'Cause I have a plan,

423. and you're gonna help me.

424. Come on.

425. Come on.

426. What's taking so long?

427. I'm still on hold.

428. Are you sure

429. we should be doing this?

430. Yes. We're doing it for Carly,

431. She would not like Briarwood.

432. I know, but—

433. And if she stays here

434. there's a better chance

435. she'll fall in love

436. with you someday.

437. You're right.

438. We have to do this for Carly.

439. But what if the headmaster

440. doesn't believe I'm Spencer?

441. I mean, like, what if she—

442. Hello, this is Spencer Shay.

443. Sound like Spencer

444. not Darth Vader.

445. Ah, yes,

446. this is Carly Shay's Brother.

447. Instead of Carly

448. coming to meet you

449. at Briarwood,

450. could you meet with her

451. at our apartment?

452. Why?

453. Because I sprained my buttocks.

454. Right, so can we say

455. around 5:30 this afternoon?

456. Excellent.

457. Yes, the same address

458. that you sent the turkey legs.

459. I look forward

460. to meeting you too.

461. - Ha, nice work.

462. - Thanks.

463. But why does

464. moving the interview

465. to Carly's place help us?

466. Well, the headmaster

467. wants to make sure

468. Carly is, mm,

469. Briarwood material, right?

470. A nice proper good girl?

471. Yeah.

472. Well, imagine an interview

473. in an apartment

474. filled with dozens

475. of loud screaming kids,

476. playing mini golf.

477. "Free mini golf

478. "tonight

479. at Carly Shay's apartment,

480. 5:30 to midnight."

481. Uh-huh.

482. You're bad.

483. Uh-huh.

484. Hey,

485. what you doing in the sink?

486. Ah, it's backed up.

487. Some kid shot a golf ball

488. down the drain.

489. There.

490. I wish that hadn't happened.

491. Yeah, look,

492. would you help me

493. pick out an outfit

494. for my interview?

495. Do I go with black dress?

496. Or is the black dress

497. too serious,

498. 'cause

499. I don't want to look like

500. I'm trying all hard

501. to be serious,

502. but, oh, my God,

503. I'm so nervous.

504. Okay, everybody right this way.

505. Hey, hey. What's going on?

506. - Mini golf party.

507. - Right now?

508. I'm getting ready to leave

509. for my interview.

510. Your Briarwood interview?

511. Is that tonight?

512. Yes, it's tonight.

513. Don't worry,

514. We're just gonna play

515. a few rounds.

516. Come on you guys,

517. this isn't the time for—

518. I'll be right back.

519. The mini golf course is full.

520. I'm sorry.

521. My name is Linda Peeloff.

522. Are you Carly?

523. - Yeah.

524. I'm the headmaster

525. at Briarwood.

526. I'm here for your interview.

527. Oh. Ah.

528. Please come in, Mrs. Peeloff.

529. Interesting.

530. Yeah,

531. wasn't I supposed to meet you

532. in like two hours at Briarwood?

533. Originally.

534. But I received a phone call

535. ask me to come here at 5:30.

536. - But who would—

537. - Move lady.

538. Dear, is this really

539. where you live?

540. Yes, ma'am,

541. but it's usually not like this,

542. You see my brother's an artist

543. and—

544. Hey, Carly.

545. Who's the chick?

546. This is Mrs. Peeloff,

547. the headmaster of Briarwood.

548. Hey, hey.

549. What's up, Peeloff?

550. Hello.

551. Aha.

552. And this is my brother.

553. Spencer, this is the headmaster

554. of Briarwood.

555. - Oh.

556. - Hello.

557. How are your buttocks?

558. My buttocks?

559. Fine.

560. Firm.

561. So, you're Carly's guardian?

562. Yes I am.

563. Oh, this is just food.

564. Lovely.

565. Oh!

566. Mrs. Peeloff,

567. it's so noisy down here,

568. Why down we go upstairs

569. and do the interview?

570. Very well.

571. We can take the elevator

572. over there.

573. - Why is she here?

574. - I don't know.

575. I thought we were gonna

576. meet her at Briarwood?

577. - So am I.

578. - This is terrible.

579. - She asked about my buttocks.

580. - Forget about your buttocks.

581. - Just do your interview.

582. - Okay, I'm gonna do it.

583. - Shh.

584. - Okay, you "shh!"

585. Ohh.

586. [indistinct chatter,

587. music playing]

588. Oh, um...

589. Okay, everyone.

590. Please go play downstairs

591. for a while.

592. Guys.

593. People.

594. Please get out now.

595. Hurry along.

596. Please sit down, Mrs. Peeloff.

597. Thank you.

598. Now Carly—

599. Why don't you start

600. by telling me

601. a little bit about you?

602. Well—

603. Flush.

604. Hey. Quiet down.

605. Hey listen up.

606. Okay, whoever finds

607. the magic purple golf ball

608. wins a special ticket

609. that gives you free mini golf

610. for a year.

611. A whole year?

612. Well, give us a hint

613. where it is?

614. Okay.

615. It's upstairs

616. in the iCarly studio,

617. inside

618. a grown up ladies pocket.

619. First one to find it wins.

620. Well, Carly,

621. you're a charming young lady.

622. Oh, Mrs. Peeloff.

623. I'd really think

624. the student body at—

625. Where is it?

626. Where is it?

627. What are you doing?

628. Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

629. Give me the ball, lady.

630. I want that ball!

631. Giddy, what are you doing?

632. Trying to find

633. the purple golf ball.

634. What purple golf ball?

635. The one Sam and Freddie

636. told us about.

637. We are good.

638. We are.

639. Why?

640. Why what?

641. I'm not playing.

642. Why did you guys intentionally

643. sabotage my interview?

644. Don't nonchalantly sip

645. your drinks.

646. Answer me.

647. We didn't want you to go.

648. You wouldn't like it

649. at Briarwood.

650. We were just thinking of you.

651. No, you were just thinking

652. of yourselves.

653. Carls.

654. This interview

655. was really important to me.

656. You don't wanna go

657. to snotty rich kid school.

658. Maybe I don't or maybe I did,

659. but it doesn't matter now

660. 'cause I'll never be

661. able to make the choice,

662. 'cause you guys ruined it

663. for me.

664. Come on,

665. what we did wasn't that bad.

666. Hey. Purple ball.

667. They—they wanted

668. a purple ball.

669. I never had a purple ball.

670. I'm going home now.

671. - Wait.

672. - Mrs. Peeloff.

673. Don't blame Carly

674. for all this stuff.

675. She had nothing to do with it.

676. We tried to mess up

677. her interview cause—

678. 'Cause,

679. she's like our best friend.

680. And we didn't want her

681. to leave our school.

682. 'Cause we'd miss her.

683. But she's likes the best kid

684. you could ever get

685. at Briarwood.

686. So don't not let her in

687. just because she's got

688. a couple of rotten friends.

689. You guys aren't rotten,

690. usually.

691. Well, I do think,

692. there's something to be said

693. for a girl who has friends,

694. who care so much about her.

695. We do.

696. So I might still get in

697. to Briarwood?

698. Well I won't make any promises,

699. but I think

700. there's a good chance

701. a student—

702. There she went.

703. Give me the purple ball.

704. I don't have the purple ball!

705. There she is!

706. Get her!

707. Oh, my God!

708. Go help her.

709. Okay.

710. Hey, guys get out of there.

711. Come on.

712. They chased her

713. into Spencer's shower.

714. I didn't really want to go

715. to Briarwood anyway.

716. - Hey.

717. - Here's 17 reasons

718. It's way funny.

719. - Carly's hot.

720. - Freddie is hot.

721. - Spencer's insane.

722. - Sam's hilarious.

723. The website is well-designed.

724. There's tons of things

725. that you can click on.

726. - Carly's hot.

727. - You said that.

728. - Cool pics.

729. - Killer music.

730. - Funny blogs.

731. - Carly's hot.

732. Stop it.

733. And that's 17 reasons—

734. - Why iCarly.com.

735. - Rocks.