iCarly 1x20

1. Hey, what's that?

2. Lunch.

3. Low fat cheese in a can?

4. This is what your mom

5. gave you for lunch?

6. Hey, I'm just happy

7. she woke up before noon.

8. Hello, ladies, or should I say,

9. "Lady and Sam?"

10. Hey.

11. You can have this back

12. when you learn

13. to handle squirtable

14. cheese responsibly.

15. Hi, Lisa.

16. Hi, Freddie.

17. - Who's that?

18. - Ms. Gatlin.

19. She told our class that if

20. everybody got A's on our quiz,

21. she'd dress up like a chicken

22. - for the whole day.

23. - Impressive costume.

24. Yeah, that's the best

25. Ms. Gatlin's looked

26. in three years.

27. Hey, Freddie, thanks for

28. letting me borrow your notes.

29. Hey, anything to get

30. a teacher in a chicken suit.

31. Yeah, what's better than that?

32. Maybe a chicken

33. in a teacher suit.

34. Awesome, he'd be all...

35. Do your homework.

36. You make funny chicken noises.

37. Thanks. All right.

38. Well, I gotta go give

39. a nerd a wedgie.

40. Late.

41. Hey, who is he?

42. Jonah.

43. A guy in my French class.

44. - Freddie, go to your locker.

45. - Why?

46. - I don't need to go...

47. - Go to your locker.

48. Okay. Okay. Okay.

49. You love Jonah.

50. Kinda, he's so cool.

51. Then you should ask him

52. to hang out.

53. Nah, a guy like that

54. won't wanna hang out with me.

55. Why not?

56. He makes chicken noises

57. and bothers other children.

58. He's perfect for you.

59. Forget it.

60. I gotta go squirt cheese down

61. Gibby's pants before class.

62. Hey, Gibby,

63. don't you run, Gibby.

64. Gibby.

65. - Open your mouth.

66. - I can't do that.

67. Come on, Gibby...

68. Freddie, do you believe

69. in love at first sight?

70. Yes, I do. I always did.

71. I mean Sam likes

72. your friend, Jonah.

73. Oh. Tell Jonah to ask Sam out.

74. No.

75. Jonah never did

76. anything bad to me.

77. Come on.

78. Sam doesn't like many guys.

79. - No.

80. - Please, for me?

81. - Don't do that.

82. - What?

83. You think whenever you say,

84. "Please, for me?"

85. That I'll just do anything

86. you want.

87. - Well, not this time.

88. - Please, for me?

89. Okay.

90. In five, four, three, two.

91. - Hey, Jonah.

92. - Hey, what's up?

93. You remember that

94. girl that was with me

95. when you gave me back my notes?

96. Yeah, she seems cool.

97. Cute too.

98. I'm talkin'

99. about the blonde one.

100. Yeah, I know.

101. Her name's Sam, right?

102. Right.

103. So, I hear

104. she kind of likes you.

105. Does she?

106. - Tell me about her.

107. - Sure.

108. Well, she's got

109. really great teeth.

110. That's great,

111. but what's she like?

112. Well, she's, like,

113. she's really nice, cool,

114. and pleasant to be around.

115. Man, are you okay?

116. You look kind of sick.

117. Yeah.

118. So, why don't you ask Sam out?

119. Okay, I will.

120. Thanks for hooking me up.

121. I'm talkin' about

122. the blonde one.

123. Yeah.

124. Okay.

125. All right, little buddy.

126. Now, I know you don't want

127. a fat neck, do you?

128. No, of course you don't.

129. I'll just mold it down a little

130. and it'll be nice and slender.

131. Okay, okay. I know.

132. He probably had a fever

133. and didn't know

134. what he was saying.

135. Will you stop and just be happy

136. that Jonah asked you out?

137. But why would he ask me out?

138. Why wouldn't he?

139. Well, you know.

140. Some boys find me

141. kind of abrasive.

142. No.

143. It's true.

144. - Hi.

145. - Hey.

146. Oh.

147. You made me slice the head

148. off my space hamster.

149. Space hamster?

150. I thought

151. our government cancelled

152. the Space Hamster Program.

153. That's a clay hamster.

154. Clay space hamster, which

155. I'm sculpting for my movie.

156. - You're making a movie?

157. - Yeah.

158. The Seattle arts council

159. is having a short film contest,

160. so I'm using

161. my sculpting skills

162. to do a little claymation.

163. What's claymation?

164. See, if I were made of clay

165. and you take a video camera

166. and shot one frame

167. of me like this,

168. and one frame like this,

169. and then one like this,

170. then one like this,

171. and then one like this,

172. and then you played it

173. all back,

174. it'd look like this.

175. So, what's your movie about?

176. Well, it's about an alien

177. with five arms

178. that buddies up

179. with a space hamster,

180. and they travel

181. across the universe

182. in search

183. of the ultimate burrito.

184. Oh, it's Jonah. Shh.

185. I wasn't even talking.

186. What's up?

187. Sure, cool.

188. He wants to take me

189. to a movie tonight.

190. You said you had

191. a ton of homework.

192. I didn't say I was gonna do it.

193. Hey, how was French class?

194. Terrible.

195. I got a b plus on a test.

196. A b plus?

197. That's not part of the

198. Freddie Benson master plan.

199. Yeah, well,

200. 'cause Jonah was sitting

201. right next to me Text messaging

202. Sam the whole time.

203. You know, they spent, like,

204. every second together

205. for the past three days?

206. Yeah, they're like

207. a total couple.

208. I know. It's disgusting.

209. It's not disgusting.

210. It's nice.

211. Hey, we were

212. just talking about you.

213. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

214. Shh, Jonah just texted me.

215. The back of your head

216. is totally cute.

217. Aw, he's thinking about

218. the back of my head.

219. Not just thinking about it.

220. I'm looking at it.

221. Hey, I missed you.

222. - I missed you too.

223. - Want to go get some lunch?

224. Sure, as long as you promise

225. not to sniff the fruit salad.

226. Sniff the fruit salad?

227. We were at the

228. Groovy Smoothie yesterday.

229. We saw this dude.

230. Oh, you had to be there.

231. - Come on, let's go.

232. - Okay.

233. - The fruit.

234. - And we sniffed it.

235. And the grape.

236. You had to be there.

237. Oh, give her a break.

238. And be happy for Sam.

239. She hasn't had a boyfriend

240. since fifth grade

241. When Frankie Murkin

242. rudely dumped her.

243. She broke Frankie's leg.

244. Yes, and then

245. he rudely dumped her.

246. - Your tea.

247. - Thanks.

248. Okay, we only have

249. half of the next

250. "iCarly" planned out,

251. so let's figure out

252. What else we're gonna do.

253. Sam, where's the list

254. of "iCarly" Ideas?

255. Sam?

256. This is a drawing of you

257. and Jonah

258. in a big heart surrounded

259. by smaller hearts.

260. Oh, give me that.

261. Okay.

262. We were talking about

263. doin' either the bit

264. with the giant fan

265. that blows stuff

266. or the wedgie-bounce.

267. I don't know.

268. The wedgie-bounce thing

269. kind of scares me, you know?

270. Sam, what do you think?

271. - Sam.

272. - Shh.

273. Okay, this is getting annoying.

274. How are we gonna rehearse

275. if she won't

276. quit texting Jonah.

277. Maybe like this?

278. Hi, I'm Carly, and I'm Sam.

279. And this is a new bit

280. we like to call,

281. "Obsessively texting

282. your boyfriend."

283. Hey, your hair looks pretty.

284. Adjust.

285. Shoot, print.

286. Adjust.

287. Shoot, print. Sports drink.

288. What's he doin'?

289. He's making a claymation movie.

290. Oh, cool.

291. Is that a hamster

292. wearing a space helmet?

293. Don't touch my movie.

294. It's all very precise.

295. If you move or change

296. one little thing,

297. I got to start all over again.

298. How much have you done?

299. Fifteen more shots, I'll have

300. the first two seconds finished.

301. Two seconds?

302. How long's the whole movie?

303. Ten minutes, which means

304. I got about 14,367 shots to go.

305. Shoot, print.

306. 14,366.

307. Hey, where are you going?

308. Jonah's at the Groovy Smoothie.

309. Gotta go meet him there.

310. Wait.

311. But we're supposed to...

312. What's her deal?

313. Sam has a new boyfriend

314. and he's all she thinks about.

315. Ah, the honeymoon phase.

316. What do you mean?

317. Well, when someone's

318. in a new relationship,

319. It's like they're blind

320. to everything else

321. but that other person.

322. Like when I started dating

323. that girl, Jennifer,

324. I had a bad case of poison

325. ivy for two whole weeks.

326. I didn't even know.

327. What made you finally notice?

328. Well, it spread to places.

329. Where?

330. - Oh.

331. - Yeah.

332. Where is she?

333. Rehearsal was supposed

334. to start a half-hour ago.

335. I'm calling her.

336. Put it on speaker.

337. I want a piece of this.

338. Hey, you got my voicemail.

339. I'm here with the

340. awesomest guy ever.

341. And I'm here

342. with the cutest girl ever.

343. Oh, baby.

344. We're gonna be at the

345. water park all afternoon.

346. So, don't bug us.

347. And don't sniff

348. the fruit salad.

349. - Goodbye.

350. - Goodbye.

351. Can you believe her?

352. She blew off

353. "iCarly" Rehearsal.

354. So she could go play

355. with Jonah?

356. Well, I know

357. how we could get back at her.

358. Huh?

359. You and I should start dating.

360. That way...

361. - Freddie.

362. - I know.

363. - Sam.

364. - I didn't do it.

365. Oh, it's just you.

366. Yeah. It's just me.

367. The girl from iCarly who showed

368. up at rehearsal yesterday.

369. I was with Jonah.

370. Yeah.

371. We need to talk about this.

372. Okay. Let's talk.

373. I'm really happy that you're

374. going out with Jonah but...

375. It's me.

376. - Isn't that cute?

377. Jonah recorded it to play

378. every time he texts me.

379. It's adorable and I thought

380. we were talking.

381. We are. Sorry.

382. I was saying,

383. I think it's great that...

384. It's me.

385. Look, I'm really glad

386. you're all happy.

387. And have a boyfriend

388. and everything,

389. but iCarly is important to me

390. and Freddie.

391. It's important to me too.

392. Then start acting like it.

393. It's me.

394. If you try to open the locker,

395. I will bite your hand off.

396. Listen, I'm sorry

397. I missed rehearsal,

398. it's just Jonah makes me

399. so happy

400. and, you know,

401. I haven't had a boyfriend,

402. since Frankie Murkin

403. fell out of that tree

404. and broke his leg.

405. Yeah. "Fell."

406. Fell, was pushed.

407. The point is I've been

408. single a long time.

409. It's me.

410. Be at rehearsal on time today

411. and be focused on us.

412. Okay. I'll be there.

413. Promise.

414. Hug?

415. I will hug you when I see you

416. at rehearsal.

417. - Deal.

418. It's me.

419. - It's me.

420. - Carly, wait, my phone.

421. I got it.

422. Okay, let's make sure

423. this baby works.

424. Yeah. Okay. Okay, okay.

425. Okay, it works.

426. Sorry.

427. Yeah.

428. Say you're sorry to my hair.

429. Hey, you're here.

430. And she brought Jonah.

431. What's up, player?

432. Carly.

433. Uh, listen.

434. iCarly rehearsals

435. are kinda private so...

436. Oh, no worries.

437. He's just gonna sit over there

438. and look cute

439. while we do our stuff.

440. You won't even know I'm here.

441. Okay.

442. Let's rehearse the wig bit.

443. - Oh, I love the wig bit.

444. - Okay.

445. Rehearsing in five,

446. four, three, two...

447. Hi, I'm Carly.

448. I live with my brother Spencer,

449. I do my homework,

450. and I shower every day.

451. Good one.

452. I'm Sam.

453. I do bad things, harass people,

454. and eat everything that

455. doesn't eat me first.

456. Okay, good stuff.

457. You guys wanna try

458. the fan bit next?

459. - Sure.

460. - Yeah, the fan bit.

461. Uh, here's the thing.

462. Jonah doesn't think it's funny.

463. It seems kinda lame to me.

464. Okay.

465. Well, then maybe

466. we should talk about

467. a new "Messin' with Lewbert."

468. The guy in your lobby

469. with the big wart on his face?

470. Yeah.

471. You know what you guys

472. should call that dude?

473. "Captain wart burger."

474. Captain wart burger?

475. That's gold, baby.

476. Captain wart burger?

477. No, you gotta say it

478. like Jonah did.

479. Yeah, and Carly,

480. when you're doing the wig bit,

481. You gotta act more like Sam.

482. Weird.

483. I thought

484. I was acting like Sam.

485. Have you ever thought

486. taking acting lessons?

487. I can't believe it,

488. "You won't even know I'm here."

489. He was totally

490. bossing us around

491. Sam was encouraging him.

492. Shh.

493. They're right behind us.

494. Oh, they won't hear me.

495. They're too busy giggling

496. about captain wart burger.

497. Yeah, you could be all,

498. "Hello there,

499. "Captain wart burger.

500. "Would you like

501. a side of wart fries?"

502. Wart fries?"

503. - I need a snack.

504. - Fruit kebab?

505. Sure.

506. Hey, what's going on over here?

507. Oh, Carly's brother

508. is making a movie.

509. Check out this dude.

510. No, don't touch that.

511. Okay.

512. Mr. Space hamster, we're...

513. oh my god.

514. My movie is ruined.

515. I have to start all over again

516. and my deadline's

517. in less than 24 hours.

518. Ha, ha, look, its arm came off.

519. Ha, ha, yeah.

520. Why don't you stay for dinner

521. and rip my heart out?

522. Dude, don't cry about it.

523. Oh, fruit kebabs.

524. I'm out.

525. - Text you later.

526. - Kick it!

527. Aw, how cute is he?

528. Yeah.

529. Hey, you wanted talk to me,

530. Carly-o?

531. No need to add the "O,"

532. Just sit down.

533. Sure.

534. Jonah, I wanna

535. talk to you about Sam.

536. My lady.

537. Yes.

538. I'm really happy you guys

539. are so into each other.

540. But I need Sam for the show.

541. So you can't

542. keep distracting her

543. and coming to rehearsals...

544. Sam hasn't complained about it.

545. Yeah, 'cause she's so into you,

546. she can't think straight.

547. Oh.

548. You don't like me spending

549. so much time with Sam.

550. No.

551. So maybe I should spend

552. a little less time with Sam

553. and a little more time

554. with someone else.

555. What are you doing?

556. - Kiss me.

557. - What?

558. Sam doesn't have to know.

559. Ow, did you just thump me?

560. How dare you try to kiss me

561. when you're dating Sam?

562. You're icky,

563. and I'm telling Sam.

564. Whoa, whoa.

565. You don't wanna do that.

566. Oh, well, why not?

567. 'cause think about

568. how happy I make Sam.

569. What kind of friend

570. would you be

571. If you ruined her first great

572. relationship by rattin' me out?

573. Carly, I got the...

574. hey, cupcake,

575. What are you doing here?

576. Carly asked me to come over.

577. Yeah.

578. To tell help me

579. with my imitation of you

580. for the wig bit.

581. I'm Sam.

582. I like to eat pork chops

583. in bed.

584. That's exactly

585. how I'd say that.

586. - You're so helpful.

587. - Yeah.

588. 14,327, 14,326.

589. Hey, Spencer, how's the...

590. Carly, Freddie is here.

591. 14,325.

592. I'm freaking out, Freddie.

593. Freaking out.

594. - Did you talk to Jonah?

595. - Yeah.

596. And he tried to kiss me.

597. He totally tried to kiss me.

598. - No way.

599. - Yeah.

600. You're sure

601. Jonah tried to kiss you?

602. Well, let's see.

603. He said, "Kiss me,"

604. Then puckered his lips.

605. So call me crazy,

606. but I think the boy wanted

607. some Carly kissin'.

608. That jerk.

609. No one tries to kiss my girl.

610. No one tries to kiss you.

611. So are you gonna tell Sam?

612. I was gonna, but Jonah makes

613. Sam really happy

614. and I don't want her

615. to get hurt.

616. Yeah.

617. Hey, we should get upstairs.

618. iCarly starts in three minutes.

619. 14,317.

620. 14,316.

621. 14,315.

622. 14,314.

623. 14,313.

624. I am having a horrible time.

625. Hey, you were supposed

626. to get me an iced tea.

627. Oh, yeah.

628. There wasn't any.

629. - You guys ready?

630. - Ready.

631. Yup.

632. Sweetie, why don't you stand

633. over there behind Freddie.

634. Whatevs.

635. Okay, girls.

636. iCarly starts in five,

637. four, three, two...

638. - Hey, welcome to iCarly.

639. - Dot com.

640. And I hope you know

641. what "Com" Stands for.

642. 'Cause we don't.

643. Hey, Sam, ever wonder

644. what it'd be like

645. if we were each other?

646. Yeah.

647. But do you mind

648. if we don't start off

649. with the wig bit tonight?

650. Uh, okay.

651. So what do you wanna do first?

652. But we haven't tested it yet.

653. So, let's test it now.

654. But who are we gonna get to...

655. Okay, iCarly fans,

656. we're gonna start off the night

657. with a new bit starring

658. my boyfriend, Jonah.

659. Woo.

660. Get up here, Jonah.

661. What am I doin'?

662. Trust me, baby,

663. this is gonna be awesome.

664. Yes, yes, it is.

665. Okay, Jonah,

666. you stand right here.

667. Okay.

668. Next, I climb up

669. and get the big red rope

670. with the large hook.

671. - Pretty cool.

672. - Yeah.

673. And now, Sam hooks the rope

674. onto the back

675. of Jonah's underwear.

676. My underwear?

677. Just go with it, Jonah.

678. Relax, this is gonna be fun.

679. Okay, Freddie.

680. Is the button on Sam's remote

681. ready to activate

682. our special surprise?

683. Yup. Bottom button.

684. And now, iCarly Presents

685. The wedgie-bounce.

686. The wedgie-bounce?

687. Wait, wait, wait.

688. - Guys, I didn't...

689. - It begins!

690. Sam, this feels weird.

691. Sam.

692. This is so invasive.

693. So you found out.

694. I heard you

695. and Freddie talking.

696. I'm really sorry.

697. Why are you sorry?

698. 'Cause I know he made you

699. all happy and stuff.

700. Come on.

701. Pork chops make me happy

702. and they don't try

703. to kiss my best friend.

704. - It's cool, I'm all right.

705. - Good.

706. But now

707. I kinda want a pork chop.

708. I know, right?

709. So when are we gonna get

710. to see Spencer's movie?

711. Right now.

712. I just finished

713. burning the DVD.

714. So how'd you finish it early?

715. Oh, just watch it.

716. I am a space hamster.

717. Burritos are food.

718. That was it?

719. Well, it would've been longer

720. if Jonah hadn't

721. ruined everything

722. and made me start over.

723. Don't worry, Sam took care

724. of Jonah on iCarly tonight.

725. - What do you mean?

726. - Come look.

727. Guys, come on, seriously.

728. This is so uncool.

729. You wedgie-bounced him?

730. Are still wedgie-bouncing him.

731. This is happening live.

732. Sam.

733. This has been going

734. on for two hours.

735. My underwear, it's hurting me.

736. Hi, Carly, Sam and Freddie.

737. I'm Liliana.

738. I'm twelve years old

739. and I'm from California.

740. I love your show, you guys.

741. Bye.