iCarly 1x2

1. - Morning, Carly.

2. - Morning.

3. - Hey, you know what I hate?

4. - Mornings?

5. - Yeah.

6. - That's not your locker.

7. - Then explain this.

8. I traded it with

9. Arthur Gradstein.

10. - Why would Arthur want

11. your locker between

12. those two big sweaty

13. wrestlers

14. who fight all the time?

15. - He didn't.

16. Which is why I gave Arthur

17. Freddie's locker

18. and made Freddie take mine.

19. - I'm telling ya,

20. this is an illegal move!

21. - Yeah? But that's

22. different from this!

23. - Uh, guys, seriously—

24. - That's the same thing, dipwad!

25. - Dipwad?

26. - Okay, okay, time out.

27. Seriously, you guys!

28. You're crushing my sack lunch!

29. This violates so many rules.

30. Stop it, you guys.

31. It hurts.

32. Get off! Quit it!

33. - Hey! They're giving away

34. free meat in the parking lot!

35. - Stop it!

36. - Free meat?

37. - Protein!

38. - Look what they did

39. to my pudding cup.

40. - Give me your hand.

41. - Carly.

42. - What?

43. - Jake Krandle

44. and Stephanie Jeffers broke up.

45. - They broke up?

46. Hey, is it true?

47. - Yeah!

48. They broke up last night.

49. Which means that Jake Krandle

50. is single

51. for the first time

52. since third grade.

53. - Wait. Wait.

54. Wait a minute!

55. So we're all gonna lose

56. our minds

57. just 'cause one of us

58. has a tiny chance

59. to date Jake Krandle?

60. - That answer your question?

61. - And shattered my ear drum.

62. In five, four,

63. three, two...

64. - It doesn't matter.

65. - Yeah?

66. It's more than just cool.

67. It's really cool.

68. - He can't see us.

69. - I know. Shh.

70. - Okay, it's so not like me

71. to get all crazy

72. about a hot guy

73. like Jake Krandle.

74. - But?

75. - But, my God, he's so hot,

76. I wanna bake cookies on him.

77. - I'd eat those cookies.

78. If you like him so much,

79. say hi to him.

80. - What? You can't just go say

81. hi to a guy like Jake Krandle.

82. What if he says hi back?

83. Then what do I say?

84. - Just say, "I'm sorry I hit you

85. in the head with an apple."

86. - Why would I ask—

87. - Ow!

88. - Carly did it.

89. - Um, I think you accidentally

90. threw this at my head.

91. - Yeah...

92. Apples can be slippery.

93. Stupid Fuji.

94. - Well, I should get to class.

95. - Wait.

96. - Okay.

97. - You're Carly Shay, right?

98. - Yeah. Yes, I am.

99. How do you know my name?

100. - From your web show, "iCarly."

101. - You've seen it?

102. - Yeah, you're really good.

103. It's weird, I kind of feel

104. like I'm talking to a celebrity.

105. - That's weird, 'cause I kinda

106. feel like I'm gonna throw up.

107. - For real?

108. - No, no, it's fine.

109. I meant throwing up

110. in the good way.

111. - Oh.

112. Right, right.

113. So, we should

114. hang out sometime.

115. - Something wrong?

116. - No,

117. I just swallowed my gum.

118. But, yeah, we should

119. totally hang out.

120. You could

121. come by my house

122. and I'll show you where

123. we shoot the show.

124. - Oh, you shoot it

125. at your house?

126. - Well, apartment.

127. Or I guess it's more of a loft.

128. It has an elevator.

129. - You're really funny.

130. - Yeah, well.

131. - I'll see you around.

132. - Yes, you will.

133. - What did he say?

134. Tell me everything.

135. - He said we should

136. hang out sometime!

137. - Actually, I feel that teachers

138. should give us more homework.

139. - More homework

140. and more discipline.

141. - Yes.

142. - Discipline is very important.

143. I think it's a priority

144. in school—

145. - So, that's supposed

146. to be your body?

147. - Well, yeah.

148. You know, if I looked like this.

149. - It's like you're twins.

150. So why no head?

151. - That goes on later.

152. Okay, you ready

153. to splatter paint?

154. - Okay.

155. - And... Wait.

156. We need music.

157. - Yeah, we do.

158. - Okay, ready? On three.

159. One—I can't wait!

160. - Like this?

161. - Yes!

162. You are the splatter master.

163. - Cool!

164. - Try closing your eyes.

165. - Incoming!

166. - Yes! Feel the music.

167. Be the paint.

168. - How can I be the paint?

169. - Paint doesn't ask questions.

170. Good technique.

171. - I got it.

172. - Okay.

173. - Oh, hi, Jake.

174. Jake!

175. - Hey, I was

176. in the neighborhood—

177. - Wait here!

178. - Listen, if this is—

179. - What's going on?

180. - I have to make

181. myself attractive!

182. - How's it going?

183. - Why are you here?

184. - Oh, I just stopped by

185. to see Carly.

186. - Okay.

187. There. You've seen her.

188. Now why don't you just

189. scurry on out of here?

190. - Hey, sorry about that.

191. - No worries.

192. - It's okay, Carly.

193. I got the situation

194. under control.

195. I was just asking Jake—

196. - Come in, Jake.

197. - I don't think it's a good idea

198. to be letting this guy in—

199. - You're the best.

200. Yeah, just keep kissing

201. those frogs, Carly.

202. This prince can wait.

203. - So, your older brother

204. is actually shaped like that?

205. - No, no.

206. He has a head.

207. - Hey, look, I found hot pink

208. and orphan blue.

209. The saddest of all blues.

210. - Yeah, Spencer,

211. this is my friend Jake.

212. Jake, this is my brother,

213. Spencer.

214. - Oh, how's it going—oh,

215. I probably shouldn't—

216. - Yeah, don't.

217. I'm gonna take Jake upstairs

218. and show him

219. where we shoot iCarly.

220. - You two going

221. up there alone?

222. - Spencer.

223. - Okay.

224. But, remember,

225. I could pop up there

226. at any moment,

227. like a ninja!

228. - Oh.

229. - Uh, here, let me

230. get you a rag.

231. - And as far away from him

232. as possible.

233. - A ninja!

234. - And the third floor.

235. - Nice.

236. It's weird, this room looks

237. so much bigger on the Internet.

238. - Yeah, the Internet

239. can distort room size.

240. - Hey, Sam's remote.

241. - Wow, you really do

242. watch iCarly.

243. - Yeah, this controls

244. all the sound effects, right?

245. - That's it.

246. Oh, do it,

247. you know you want to.

248. - Sweet.

249. Hey, what was the name

250. of that song?

251. - Was it, uh, "Brake Lights"

252. by Cuddlefish?

253. - Impressive, I didn't think

254. anybody knew that song.

255. - I do, that was one

256. of the first songs—

257. - Sorry.

258. What were you saying?

259. - Just that that was one

260. of the first songs

261. I taught myself to play.

262. - You play guitar?

263. - And sing a little.

264. - Really? 'Cause Sam and I

265. have been talking about

266. maybe having live music

267. on the show.

268. Would you wanna do a song?

269. - Definitely.

270. Wait, let's check

271. and make sure

272. your audience is into it.

273. - Well, looks like

274. I'm singing on iCarly.

275. - Ah, it fell.

276. - I like it better on the floor.

277. Hello? Carly?

278. Is that you?

279. - Nah, Carly's upstairs

280. getting...

281. ready for the show.

282. What are you doing?

283. - Making a plaster cast

284. of my head to put on top

285. of my body sculpture.

286. - Of course you are.

287. What are the tubes for?

288. - Well, since I'm gonna be

289. in here for 12 hours

290. while the plaster dries,

291. this tube is for breathing,

292. and this tube

293. is for food and drink.

294. - Nice.

295. Well, I'm gonna leave now.

296. - Wait! Before you go,

297. would you mind pouring some

298. coffee down my drink hole?

299. - Sure, what are...

300. friends for?

301. Okay!

302. That was my breathing tube!

303. - So. You're tall,

304. you're an athlete,

305. every girl in school

306. thinks you're hot,

307. and now you're a musician, too.

308. - I guess.

309. - Can you fly?

310. - Actually,

311. my uncle's a pilot,

312. he's been giving me

313. flying lessons—

314. - Oh, forget it!

315. I'll be with my tripod.

316. - Do you know how many kids

317. came up to me

318. freaking out that Jake's

319. gonna play on the show?

320. - I know, it's gonna be huge.

321. What?

322. - Would you have ever believed

323. that Jake Krandle

324. could be in love with you?

325. - He's not in love with me.

326. Yet.

327. - Cinnamon buns.

328. Cinnamon buns.

329. Cinnamon buns.

330. Cinnamon buns.

331. - Why do that?

332. - I'm checking the microphone

333. and the acoustic resonance in—

334. - Whoops! Don't care.

335. - So, what time

336. does the show start?

337. - In about a half hour.

338. But, listen,

339. since we've never done

340. live music on the show before,

341. Freddie wants to do

342. a sound check.

343. So, you mind running

344. through a verse?

345. - Let's go for it.

346. All right, this is a song

347. I wrote myself

348. especially for iCarly.

349. Hope you guys like it.

350. How was that?

351. - Awesome.

352. I can't wait 'til we go live.

353. - Freddie, did you get

354. a good sound level

355. or do you want me to sing

356. another verse?

357. - No, no!

358. - Please don't!

359. - Yeah, we go live

360. in about 20 minutes.

361. - So maybe you should go

362. downstairs and get changed.

363. - Right, I gotta go

364. put on my singing shirt.

365. - Yeah. Put that on.

366. - Yeah, your singing shirt.

367. - Definitely.

368. - You go do that.

369. - Later.

370. - Well, I think we know

371. the results of the sound check.

372. Did it sound horrible?

373. - Check.

374. - You guys, this isn't funny.

375. - Did you not hear him?

376. - 'Cause it was pretty funny.

377. - Stop it.

378. What are we gonna do?

379. - We're gonna tell him

380. he can't sing on the show

381. 'cause he sounds

382. like a pile of poo.

383. - I can't just...

384. I can't just tell him

385. he's too poo-ish

386. to sing on our show.

387. - Carly.

388. - I like him,

389. and I think

390. he kind of likes me.

391. And if I tell him

392. he's a terrible singer,

393. it's gonna ruin everything.

394. If you let him sing,

395. everybody's gonna hear it

396. and viciously rip on him

397. for the rest of his life.

398. - Aw, man,

399. what am I gonna do?

400. The elevator!

401. - Right, we'll push him

402. down the elevator shaft.

403. - I'll do it.

404. - We're not gonna push

405. the hottest guy in Seattle

406. down an elevator shaft.

407. - You said the elevator—

408. - I meant

409. when he gets in the elevator

410. to come up here,

411. we kill the power

412. so he can't get out.

413. Then he'll be stuck

414. there while we do the show.

415. - Ah! Okay.

416. - He'll think it's an accident,

417. I won't have to tell him

418. he's a lame singer,

419. and nobody's feelings get hurt.

420. - Can't we lock him

421. in the elevator

422. and hurt his feelings?

423. - Yo, Jake.

424. - Show starts in 15 minutes.

425. - Yeah,

426. you better get on up there.

427. - Awesome. Let's do it.

428. - Whoa, whoa!

429. Where you going there, partner?

430. - Just going up to do the show.

431. - Well, don't take the stairs.

432. - You don't wanna get all sweaty

433. in your fancy singing shirt.

434. - No.

435. - No.

436. - Right.

437. I'll take the elevator.

438. - Yes.

439. - There you go.

440. - Do that.

441. - Enjoy elevating.

442. - You guys aren't coming?

443. - We'll be up in a few minutes.

444. - After we...

445. - Uh... blow our noses.

446. - Yeah.

447. Can't do a web show

448. with a nose full of goo.

449. - Where's the breaker panel?

450. - Behind the robot painting.

451. - Which one's for the elevator?

452. - The red one.

453. There.

454. Hey, what happened?

455. - Uh, I think the elevator

456. got stuck again!

457. Yeah, it's not moving!

458. - Well, don't worry!

459. We'll get you out of there!

460. - Eventually!

461. I got it.

462. Hello?

463. - Hey.

464. - Hi.

465. - Is Jake trapped?

466. - Like a monkey in a box.

467. - Why would a monkey

468. be in a box?

469. - What am I? A monkey expert?

470. - You just said—

471. - How much time

472. 'til the show starts?

473. - Nine minutes, 20 seconds.

474. - Okay, when it gets

475. to the part where Jake

476. was supposed to sing,

477. we'll just improvise

478. and talk about something funny.

479. - Like Freddie's haircut.

480. - I heard that.

481. - You were supposed to.

482. - Okay, when the show starts,

483. put the camera on me,

484. and Sam will come out when—

485. Hey!

486. I got the door up!

487. Hang on.

488. I'm out.

489. - Awesome.

490. - Yay.

491. We thought you'd be

492. stuck in there for a while.

493. Me, too.

494. But I found this little

495. emergency trap door

496. at the top of the elevator,

497. climbed up,

498. squeezed myself through it,

499. and here I am.

500. - There you are.

501. - Yay.

502. - So now you can be on the show.

503. - Yeah, good thing.

504. I don't wanna disappoint

505. my grandmother.

506. - Your grandmother?

507. - Yeah.

508. She's never heard me

509. sing before,

510. so when I told her

511. I was gonna be on your show,

512. she went out,

513. bought her very first computer.

514. - Aww.

515. - Yeah.

516. She'd been saving up

517. for a new foot,

518. but watching me sing

519. was more important to her.

520. - Your grandmother only

521. has one foot?

522. - Uh-huh.

523. - What happened

524. to the other one?

525. - She had this cat,

526. forgot to feed him.

527. I don't really like

528. to talk about it.

529. - We go live in six minutes.

530. - Ooh, I better get set.

531. - Okay, we're gonna go check

532. the lighting in the hallway.

533. - Who cares about the lighting

534. in the—

535. - We can't let Jake

536. sing on the show!

537. - You want him to disappoint

538. Grammy One Foot?

539. - You want him to be humiliated

540. in front of the whole world?

541. - The boy can't sing.

542. - So?

543. Half the pop stars

544. on the charts can't sing.

545. They fix their voices

546. with computers or something.

547. - Yeah.

548. Too bad we don't know

549. a computer geek

550. that'll do anything you ask.

551. - No.

552. - Can you fix his voice or not?

553. - Yes.

554. But I'm not gonna do it.

555. I'm not gonna help turn

556. "Mr. Awesome"

557. into "Mr. Totally Awesome."

558. - Please?

559. - No.

560. - Please?

561. - No.

562. - Please?

563. - If I do, will you kiss me?

564. - No!

565. - Then no.

566. - Oh, come on!

567. - I'm gonna puke

568. all over both of you.

569. - Freddie.

570. - Just one little kiss

571. on the lips.

572. - No.

573. - Cheek?

574. - No.

575. - Nose?

576. - No.

577. - Okay, fine I'll do it.

578. - Thank you.

579. - Let's go.

580. - And now—

581. - On iCarly—

582. - We're gonna do something

583. a little special.

584. - Carly and I are gonna start

585. punching each other in the face.

586. - The one with the last

587. tooth wins.

588. - We're just kidding.

589. - What we are gonna do

590. is our first ever

591. live music performance on

592. iCarly.

593. - Yeah, we are.

594. - So sit back,

595. keep your hands off that mouse.

596. - Or track pad.

597. - And get excited

598. for our special guest,

599. Jake Krandle.

600. - How you guys doing?

601. This is a song called

602. "Whatever My Love,"

603. and I'd like to dedicate this

604. to my grandmother.

605. Keep on hopping, Grandma.

606. - Get ready,

607. he's about to sing.

608. - I got him.

609. - Is it working?

610. ♪ And never

611. Aw. Pretty.

612. I'm kind of thirsty.

613. Where is my punch?

614. What flavour punch did I buy?

615. - Give me that nose.

616. - Yes! Yes!

617. That's my grandson!

618. That's my Jakey! Yes! Yes!

619. - Ugh, I hate mornings.

620. Why can't school start at,

621. like, 2:00 in the afternoon?

622. - And end at 2:04?

623. - Yes.

624. Someone who understands.

625. Uh-oh.

626. That's Jake's ex-girlfriend.

627. Why is he kissing

628. his ex-girlfriend?

629. You don't kiss your

630. ex-girlfriend.

631. That's the whole point

632. of the "ex!"

633. - Sorry, kiddo.

634. - I'm gonna go talk to him.

635. - You want backup?

636. - I'm good.

637. Hey.

638. - Oh, hey, Carly.

639. - Hey, Jake.

640. You sang so awesome.

641. - Call me.

642. - Or me.

643. - Nice.

644. - I know.

645. I've been getting that

646. all morning.

647. - Yeah, you've been having

648. all kinds of fun this morning.

649. - What do you mean?

650. - Well, when I walked in,

651. I kind of noticed you

652. and Stephanie.

653. - Oh. You saw that?

654. - Yeah.

655. - Listen, I really thought

656. we'd broken up for good.

657. But she saw me sing

658. on your web show,

659. and then she called to tell me

660. how great she thought I was,

661. and looks like we're

662. kind of back together now.

663. - Oh. Awesome.

664. - Yeah, but I guess things

665. happen for a reason, right?

666. I'm back with Steph,

667. and now I don't feel weird about

668. getting between you and Freddie.

669. - Me and Freddie?

670. Freddie and I aren't dating!

671. - Come on.

672. I saw you kiss his nose.

673. - Well, yeah,

674. but we're not dating.

675. - Let's all get to class.

676. - I'll see you around.

677. - But it was just a nose kiss!

678. Aw, come on!

679. It was strictly nasal!

680. - Hi, Carly.

681. Hi, Sam.

682. I love iCarly.

683. Okay, okay, check out

684. what I can do with my eyes.

685. Mmm!