1. So there was this one night,
before I met your mother,
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2. when I really wanted to go to the bar.
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3. The bar. Big surprise.
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4. You sure spent a lot of time in bars.
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5. Well, that's just what we did back then.
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6. Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin.
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7. We all used to hang out
at this one bar called MacLaren's.
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8. But then one night...
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9. - Why don't we go to MacLaren's?
- Let's go to MacLaren's.
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10. You guys talking to each other?
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11. - Nobody's listening?
- What's wrong with MacLaren's?
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12. MacLaren's is bore snore.
Ted, tonight we're gonna go out.
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13. We're gonna meet some ladies,
it's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!
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14. I had no idea
why I hung out with Barney.
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15. You didn't phone-five, did you?
I know when you don't phone-five, Ted.
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16. Come on. We always go to MacLaren's.
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17. Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.
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18. MacLaren's is this much fun.
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19. What I'm offering
is the chance to have this much fun.
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20. See, you say that.
You say it's gonna be this much fun,
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21. but most of the time,
it ends up being this much fun.
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22. This much fun is good. It's safe.
It's guaranteed.
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23. This hand-gesture thing
doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
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24. No, it doesn't.
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25. Get in the cab. Marshall, you, too.
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26. I wish I could.
I think Lily and I are just gonna...
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27. - I understand. Get in the cab.
- Why can Marshall say no?
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28. Because he's getting laid.
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29. Consistently.
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30. Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here.
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31. You keep going to the same bar.
You're in a rut.
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32. And I am a rut-buster.
I'm going to bust your rut.
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33. It's not a rut, okay?
It's a routine and I like it.
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34. Ted, what's the first syllable
in "rut-tine"?
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35. Peace out, suckers!
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36. All right, so what's this legendary plan?
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37. First, we gotta pick someone up
at the airport.
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38. - Okay, I'm out of here.
- Estaban, doors!
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39. Okay, we just do this one little thing
and the rest of the night is ours.
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40. Why do you have those suitcases
and who are we picking up?
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41. I don't know. Maybe her. Or her.
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42. Wait. So, when you said you were
going to pick someone up at the airport,
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43. you meant you were going to
pick someone up at the airport?
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44. Scenario.
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45. Couple of girls fly into town
looking for a fun weekend in NYC
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46. when they meet two handsome
international businessmen
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47. just back from a lucrative trip to Japan.
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48. Sample dialog. You have a wheelie bag?
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49. Why, I have a wheelie bag.
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50. - You've got to be kidding me.
- False.
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51. Sidebar. Tuck in your shirt.
You look sketchy.
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52. - I'm sketchy?
- Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.
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53. Don't say legendary, okay?
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54. You're too liberal
with the word legendary.
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55. We're building an igloo in Central Park.
It's gonna be legendary.
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56. Snowsuit up!
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57. Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here!
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58. This is happening.
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59. Now, you can either put the bags
on the carousel now
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60. or you can listen to me
give you a really long speech
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61. convincing you to put the bags
on the carousel. Your move.
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62. Ted, since the dawn of time,
mankind has struggled...
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63. That night,
Marshall had a ton of studying to do.
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64. So, Lily went out with Robin
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65. who was new to New York
and looking for a friend.
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66. I'm so glad we finally get to hang out,
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67. - just the two of us.
- Yeah.
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68. And you sure you're okay
giving up your Friday night
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69. to hang with an old, almost-married lady?
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70. Oh, please.
I'm so sick of the meat-market scene.
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71. Guys are like the subway.
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72. You miss one,
another one comes along in five minutes.
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73. Unless it's the end of the night,
and then you get on anything.
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74. Compliments of that guy.
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75. Really? Sweet.
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76. Oh. For you it's $6.
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77. I guess that's one drawback
to being engaged.
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78. - I'm sure that's why he did it.
- Hey.
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79. Oh, hello.
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80. So, did you just get in from Detroit?
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81. Japan.
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82. Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready?
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83. 'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge.
Cute girls are not from Buffalo.
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84. Time out. Ten o'clock.
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85. You ready to rock this, Tedder?
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86. All right, I think we need to refine
our back-story first.
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87. - How did we...
- Ted! You klutzy, great guy you!
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88. Hey. Barney.
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89. - Hi.
- My God, are you okay?
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90. - I am so sorry.
- It's fine, no.
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91. You were a little shaky on your landing.
I'd give you a 9.2.
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92. Hi, I'm Ted.
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93. Laura. Look, I'm really sorry
that we have to hit and run,
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94. but we've got a plane to catch.
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95. - Oh, where are you headed?
- Philadelphia.
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96. - Philly? That's where we're headed.
- You are?
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97. - Well, then, we'll see you on the plane.
- Yes, you will.
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98. - Follow them. Tickets on me.
- No. Barney!
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99. Don't you get on that escalator!
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100. And don't you dare
get on that subsequent escalator!
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101. Studying law
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102. Making a responsible choice for my future
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103. On a Friday night
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104. Bein' a lawyer had better be awesome
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105. What's up, Ted?
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106. - Are you all right?
- Yeah.
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107. Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... Ready?
Plane to... Ready? Philadelphia.
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108. - That is awesome.
- Hey, is that Marshall?
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109. Marshall, stop whatever you're doing,
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110. get in that hoopty-ass Fiero of yours
and come meet us in Philly.
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111. It's gonna be legendary!
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112. Man, I wish I could, guys...
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113. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sent you
some pictures on my phone. Check it.
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114. Philly!
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115. Admit it, you're having fun.
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116. This much... 35,000 feet of fun.
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117. Well, I didn't think
I'd be flying to Philadelphia
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118. when I woke up this morning,
I'll give you that.
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119. Attaboy. Now let's go talk to those girls.
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120. Wait, wait. The seat-belt sign's on.
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121. Ted, you've been living your whole life
in a seat belt.
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122. It's time to unclick.
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123. - Sir, seat-belt light's on.
- Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
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124. Well, I grew up in Park Slope.
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125. Oh, I love Park Slope.
When did you move to Manhattan?
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126. - You're from Park Slope?
- No, she is.
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127. So, where are you from? Heaven?
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128. Yeah, I'm a ghost.
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129. I died 15 years ago,
like that pick-up line.
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130. - God, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, believe me, I've been there.
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131. I have this line that I use
when guys come up... Check it out.
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132. Hey.
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133. You take this one,
I'll save it for the next one.
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134. - So, what brings you guys to Philly?
- We're visiting our boyfriends.
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135. I think Chris is gonna propose
this weekend.
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136. Isn't that great?
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137. So great.
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138. So, there we were,
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139. stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia
with two very un-single girls.
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140. All thanks to your Uncle Barney.
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141. Aren't they cute?
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142. - They're both linebackers for the Eagles.
- Both!
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143. Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.
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144. You're going to Philly? Why?
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145. I didn't ask.
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146. Well, it sounds like
you're having a lot more fun than I am.
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147. I'm just talking to guys' backs
while they hit on Robin.
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148. Well, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.
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149. Don't you bet I get that a lot?
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150. Not with a ring on your finger.
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151. I mean, you know, guys see the ring,
it's, like, Marshall parking only.
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152. Oh, of course. That's it. The ring.
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153. I guess I'm not used to it yet.
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154. Oh, it's totally the ring.
If you took that ring off your finger
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155. you'd have a ton of guys
crowding your junk.
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156. I'm not gonna take off my ring.
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157. Wouldn't you be jealous of guys
swarming all over my beeswax?
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158. Oh, yeah. You know me,
I'm the jealous type.
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159. Any goon so much as looks at you,
I'll sock him in the kisser!
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160. No, seriously,
you girls have a good time tonight.
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161. Bye.
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162. Robin! Robin!
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163. Hey, I'm over here.
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164. Going to Philly!
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165. Marshall, don't come to Philly.
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166. But we're on an adventure.
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167. We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia.
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168. Crazy adventure.
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169. Fine.
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170. No. No. The night has just started.
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171. Look, airport bar. Flight attendants.
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172. They'll get your tray table
in its full, upright position.
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173. - Say what?
- Passengers Mosby and Stinson?
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174. Please come with us, gentlemen.
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175. - Keep your hands where I can see them.
- Barney, I am going to kill you.
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176. Don't say you're gonna kill someone
in front of airport security.
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177. Not cool. Not cool.
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178. This is an outrage.
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179. We are international businessmen
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180. on a very important
international business trip.
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181. I demand you release us immediately.
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182. You demand?
No, no, no, no, he does not demand.
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183. We have no demands.
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184. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to remain calm.
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185. Okay, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.
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186. We've got footage of you placing two bags
on JFK carousel three,
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187. and abandoning them to purchase
a last-minute flight with cash.
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188. - Those bags were your responsibility.
- They were your bags.
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189. Sir, please.
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190. We're assessing the bag situation.
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191. Look. This is all just...
It's a misunderstanding.
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192. Please.
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193. We are international businessmen.
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194. My colleague
accidentally left the bags there.
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195. Now, please let us go before we miss
our international business meeting.
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196. Can't remember the last time
I saw an international businessman
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197. with an untucked shirt.
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198. In addition, we received this footage,
taken over the last few months.
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199. Believe it or not,
that duffle bag thing worked.
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200. The truth is, my friend,
he does this thing
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201. where he goes to airports
with fake luggage to pick up girls.
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202. And we followed some here
to Philadelphia.
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203. That's it. That's all this is.
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204. Nobody's that lame.
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205. Yes, he's that lame.
Tell him you're that lame.
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206. - We are international businessmen...
- Oh, come on!
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207. Sir! Lower your voice
or I will restrain you.
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208. Dude, seriously, relax.
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209. - We at least get to call our lawyer.
- Exactly.
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210. We have a lawyer?
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211. Listen to me.
You're both American citizens.
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212. Don't let them pull any Patriot-Act
voodoo. You both retain the right
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213. to refuse to answer any questions
without an attorney present.
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214. So don't say anything
until I get there, all right?
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215. Okay, goodbye.
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216. To Philly!
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217. The adventure continues
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218. Destroy!
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219. Oh, it's ridiculous in here.
Why don't we go somewhere else?
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220. No. This place is great.
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221. - What are you doing?
- What?
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222. With your lips and everything?
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223. My lips are always like this.
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224. You had to play the race card.
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225. Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong.
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226. And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now
if you'd have tucked in your shirt.
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227. Go ahead, JFK.
What is the baggage status?
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228. They're clean.
It's just a whole bunch of condoms.
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229. And a PowerBar.
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230. You're free to go.
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231. Don't come to Philly.
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232. - Man, I'm almost halfway there.
- Yeah, we just got released
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233. and we're heading back on the next flight.
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234. Meet us at MacLaren's.
Maybe we can still make last call.
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235. - Can't we just...
- No, we can't "just," we're going home.
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236. - We're going to Sascha's.
- Who the hell is Sascha?
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237. Sascha.
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238. She's having friends over for drinks
at her house.
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239. It's gonna be legend... Wait for it,
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240. and I hope you're not lactose intolerant,
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241. 'cause the second half of that word
is "dairy."
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242. - No!
- Legendary!
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243. - Legendary? That sounds awesome!
- No, Marshall, we're going back.
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244. Fine.
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245. Hold on, I have another call.
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246. - Hello?
- Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.
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247. No, we're not.
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248. Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. Yes, we are.
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249. Sorry, buddy. Two against one.
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250. - Look, a booth opened up.
- Really?
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251. Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk
and you're not listening to me,
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252. - so I'm gonna walk away.
- Yeah, yeah, booth.
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253. - Hey.
- Hey.
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254. I'm engaged. You know, I'm sorry.
I took my ring off.
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255. It's very, very sweet of you
to come over and talk to me, but I just...
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256. Yeah, I'm gay.
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257. I just came over to let you know
that you sat on a grape.
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258. Damn it!
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259. So, Barney and I hit the town.
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260. Philadelphia, PA.
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261. Our first and only stop, Sascha's party.
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262. So, you're Sascha's friends, huh?
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263. You know it.
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264. You guys, keep the volume
down. You're gonna wake my grandpa.
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265. Who wants hard lemonade?
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266. Philly!
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267. Philly.
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268. Back at the bar, girls' night out
wasn't going as Robin had hoped.
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269. - Lily's phone.
- Robin? Where's Lily?
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270. - She's...
- Is she talking to some hot guy?
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271. You can tell me. It's totally cool.
It was my idea.
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272. Hell, I told her
she could take the ring off.
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273. Really? Well, I thought it was
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274. kind of weird,
but if you're cool with it...
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275. Yeah, it's off,
and she's talking to some guy.
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276. - Do you want me to go over and...
- No! Don't interrupt. It's awesome.
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277. So, the ring's really off, huh?
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278. Awesome.
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279. Well, just tell her I called
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280. and tell her that she's awesome.
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281. Really, really awesome
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282. Our relationship is built on mutual trust
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283. I can't breathe!
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284. Did you hear that, Ted?
Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
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285. I do okay.
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286. Wow, it must be
really well cordoned-off over there.
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287. Do you ever go behind the rope
and touch it?
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288. Only all the time.
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289. You ever, like, stick your head inside it?
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290. Yeah.
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291. - Do you ever lick it?
- Nope.
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292. I have never licked it.
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293. I bet nobody in history
has ever licked the Liberty Bell.
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294. If someone were to pull that off,
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295. I dare say it would be... What's the word?
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296. - Well, this is my stop.
- Ted, legendary.
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297. Barney, I'm going to the airport.
Sascha, thank you.
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298. And tell your grandpa I'm sorry
I walked in on him in the bathroom.
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299. I'll get some club soda for that stain.
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300. Lily, I thought tonight
was about us hanging out?
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301. What are you doing?
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302. Just fending off the advances
of that totally hot guy.
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303. - Dude, I think that guy is gay.
- I know that guy is gay.
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304. It's just... Marshall and I
have been together for nine years.
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305. I haven't been single since high school.
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306. You wanna be single?
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307. You wanna fight off loser guys all night?
Does that seem like fun to you?
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308. I guess I just wanted to throw this net
back into the ocean
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309. and see how many fish I could catch.
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310. So far, one. One gay dolphin.
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311. And Marshall.
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312. Lily, all these girls here tonight
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313. are all hoping to catch
what you've already got.
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314. You're right. I know.
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315. Hey, do you wanna go get coffee
and have an actual conversation?
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316. If by coffee you mean cheesecake,
then yes.
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317. Hey, I got the club soda.
Let's see that booty.
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318. Thank you so much.
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319. You wanna mess, pal?
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320. That's my fiancée's hot backside
that you're dabbing!
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321. - Marshall, no!
- Baby, please.
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322. Don't ever take that ring off again,
no matter how awesome I say that it is.
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323. - It's okay, man.
- Back off, hombre!
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324. I'm not that afraid to fight you!
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325. You wanna test this, guy?
Be my guest, come on.
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326. Marshall, he's gay.
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327. Oh, thank God.
I've never been in a fight before.
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328. You don't say.
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329. So, it turned out Uncle Marshall
really was the jealous type.
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330. Unfortunately, that guy's boyfriend?
Also the jealous type.
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331. Could've licked the Liberty Bell.
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332. We're going to the airport.
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333. Bong.
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334. Bong.
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335. Why do I hang out with you? Why?
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336. All I wanted was to have a regular beer
at my regular bar,
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337. with my regular friends
in my regular city.
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338. Ted, Ted, Ted.
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339. - You're not even looking.
- No, I'm not.
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340. Look, our forefathers died
for the pursuit of happiness. Okay?
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341. Not for
the sit-around-and-wait of happiness.
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342. Now, if you want, you can go to
the same bar, drink the same beer,
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343. talk to the same people every day.
Or you can lick the Liberty Bell.
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344. You can grab life by the crack
and lick the crap out of it.
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345. That was beautiful, man.
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346. Thanks, Leonard.
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347. Ted, you're missing out
on a valuable life lesson here.
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348. Look, I don't need you to teach me
how to live, okay? I know how to live.
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349. If you wanna go lick the Liberty Bell,
just go lick it yourself.
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350. - No. It has to be the two of us.
- Why? Why do you need me?
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351. Because you're my best friend, all right?
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352. You don't have to tell me I'm yours.
But the way I see it, we're a team.
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353. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno.
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354. So, fine.
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355. If you wanna go home, then we'll go home.
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356. Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.
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357. Good, 'cause we're here.
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358. I had no idea how Barney redirected
the cab without me knowing,
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359. but we got out, Dana let us in,
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360. and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell.
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361. - And you know what it tastes like?
- What?
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362. Freedom.
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363. No, actually it tastes like pennies.
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364. Oh, my God. Did you guys really do that?
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365. We really did.
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366. And that was when I realized
why I hung out with Barney.
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367. I never got where I thought I wanted
to go, but I always got a great story.
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368. So, that girl you were talking to,
that was Mom?
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369. Kids, every story in a man's life
is like a dot
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370. - in an impressionist painting, and when...
- So that's a no?
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371. Yeah, that's a no.
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372. What? Come on.
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