1. When you're single,
and your friends start to get married,Copy !req
2. every wedding invitation presents
a strange moment of self-evaluation.Copy !req
3. Will you be bringing a guest
or will you be attending alone?Copy !req
4. What it's really asking is,Copy !req
5. where do you see yourself
in three months?Copy !req
6. Sitting next to your girlfriend,
or hitting on a bridesmaid?Copy !req
7. I always checked
that I was bringing a guest.Copy !req
8. I was an optimist.Copy !req
9. Who the hell am I gonna bring
to this wedding?Copy !req
10. Ted, have you ignored all of my
teachings?Copy !req
11. For the most part, yeah.Copy !req
12. You don't bring a date to a wedding.Copy !req
13. That's like bringing a deer carcass
on a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.Copy !req
14. No, no date!Copy !req
15. Deer carcass, really? That's the
metaphor you're going with here?Copy !req
16. Ted, it's a simile.Copy !req
17. Well, it's too late now.Copy !req
18. If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece
of chicken/salmon will go uneaten.Copy !req
19. I gotta bring someone, but who?Copy !req
20. Of course I knew who I
wanted to bring.Copy !req
21. Robin. The big unanswered question
in my life.Copy !req
22. Problem was, she was dating
this really rich guy named Derek.Copy !req
23. Derek!Copy !req
24. Well, Derek and I just broke up.Copy !req
25. No, that's terrible. Are you okay?Copy !req
26. Yeah, do you need a drink or something?Copy !req
27. No. We never really clicked.Copy !req
28. I felt bad though.
He was pretty bummed.Copy !req
29. Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine.Copy !req
30. I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.Copy !req
31. He can put his platinum card
on a fishing lineCopy !req
32. and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.Copy !req
33. Thanks. I feel a lot better.Copy !req
34. I think I'll get that drink now.Copy !req
35. Okay, guys. I gotta say something.Copy !req
36. I think my feelings for Robin
may be resurfacing.Copy !req
37. Oh, please.
They were buried in a shallow grave.Copy !req
38. Not again.Copy !req
39. Come on. Dude, we all know
how this movie ends.Copy !req
40. Ted falls in love.
Love kicks Ted in the sprouts.Copy !req
41. Roll credits.Copy !req
42. No! You guys just have to look
at the whole picture.Copy !req
43. Fact.Copy !req
44. Robin was into me
when we first met.Copy !req
45. Fact. Even though
she didn't want a relationship,Copy !req
46. we had an amazing kiss on the roof.Copy !req
47. Fact. On New Year's Eve,
we kissed again.Copy !req
48. Fact.Copy !req
49. I need a date to this wedding.
Wish me luck.Copy !req
50. What I don't get is
why is Claudia marrying Stuart?Copy !req
51. She's way hotter than him. How way?Copy !req
52. Way way.Copy !req
53. This wedding does sound
pretty amazing though.Copy !req
54. Fancy hotel ballroom.Copy !req
55. Everybody all dressed up.Copy !req
56. - Here we go.
- What?Copy !req
57. We can't get anywhere
with our wedding plansCopy !req
58. because I want it to be fun
and Marshall wants it to be lame.Copy !req
59. Oh, yeah, okay, that's a pretty fair
assessment of our two arguments.Copy !req
60. - I thought so.
You know what,Copy !req
61. excuse me if I don't wanna get marriedCopy !req
62. barefoot in the woods next to
Lake No One's Gonna Drive That Far.Copy !req
63. Yes, I want a ballroom.Copy !req
64. And I want a band. And I want shoes.Copy !req
65. I've been dreaming about this day,
since I was, like...Copy !req
66. A little girl?Copy !req
67. What up?Copy !req
68. Okay, I'm just saying
that it's my wedding, too,Copy !req
69. and I should have a say in it.Copy !req
70. Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.Copy !req
71. Well, I thought marriage was about two
equal partners sharing a life together.Copy !req
72. Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.Copy !req
73. I mean, seriously. Claudia and Stuart?Copy !req
74. I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lassCopy !req
75. who was beneath
my level of attractiveness.Copy !req
76. But, you know, I was drunk.Copy !req
77. There's no way Claudia
has been drunk for three years.Copy !req
78. You know, I've always foundCopy !req
79. that the best way
to get over a failed relationshipCopy !req
80. is to celebrate someone else's
successful one.Copy !req
81. Makes sense.Copy !req
82. So, with that in mind,Copy !req
83. our friends Claudia and Stuart are having
this crazy black tie wedding on Saturday.Copy !req
84. You wanna be my plus one?Copy !req
85. Oh. Plus one.
You make it sound so romantic.Copy !req
86. Fine.Copy !req
87. You wanna be my date?Copy !req
88. Your date?Copy !req
89. I'd love to.Copy !req
90. How fancy are we talking about here?Copy !req
91. Oh. You're gonna wanna bring
your "A" game.Copy !req
92. Oh. I'll bring it.Copy !req
93. I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna
look like a big white bag of crap.Copy !req
94. Lily, I need a dress.Copy !req
95. You're going? That's awesome!Copy !req
96. Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?Copy !req
97. I know. It's a suicide mission.Copy !req
98. Well, if we leave nowCopy !req
99. - we can still have a fighting chance.
Let's do it.Copy !req
100. Bye, babe.Copy !req
101. Did you see how fired up she was?Copy !req
102. I don't know, there's something there.Copy !req
103. And come Saturday, little music,
little dancing, a lot of champagne.Copy !req
104. - Who knows?
- Wow.Copy !req
105. Ted, you're gonna have to find
another gender for yourselfCopy !req
106. 'cause I'm revoking
your dude membership.Copy !req
107. Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?Copy !req
108. Invigorating, thanks.Copy !req
109. Okay, I wasn't going to say
it in front of the guys,Copy !req
110. but back then
I really thought that's how it worked.Copy !req
111. You put yourself and a girl you like
in some romantic setting.Copy !req
112. The stars line up,Copy !req
113. and shazam!Copy !req
114. I know now that life is never that simple.Copy !req
115. - Hey.
- Claudia!Copy !req
116. Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla!
You wrote it down wrong?Copy !req
117. No, no, no! Listen to me.Copy !req
118. If I go to my wedding and the cake
is not Tahitian vanilla,Copy !req
119. I will come down there and burn
your little shop to the ground.Copy !req
120. Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding?
Yeah, goodbye.Copy !req
121. - Hey!Copy !req
122. How's it going?Copy !req
123. My wedding is in two days,
that's how it's going.Copy !req
124. Don't worry. It's gonna be great.
I'm so excited.Copy !req
125. You should be. Lots of single girls.Copy !req
126. Well, yeah, I'm bringing a date.Copy !req
127. - So I'll be off the market.
- What?Copy !req
128. - I'm bringing a date.
- You're not bringing a date.Copy !req
129. Yes, I am.Copy !req
130. No, you're not.Copy !req
131. - I checked plus one.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
132. Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...Copy !req
133. Ted! You did not check plus one!Copy !req
134. You are not bringing a date
to my wedding!Copy !req
135. But I already invited someone.Copy !req
136. You are not bringing a guest, Ted.Copy !req
137. The guest list has been closed
for months. Months.Copy !req
138. But I checked plus one.
I always check plus one.Copy !req
139. You absolutely did not check plus one.Copy !req
140. If you had checked plus one,
I'd have called youCopy !req
141. to get the name of your guest, so
I could have the place cards printed up.Copy !req
142. Did I call you to get the name
of your guest?Copy !req
143. Is there a place card
with her name printed on it?Copy !req
144. She doesn't need a place card.
She knows her name.Copy !req
145. What's she eating?Copy !req
146. You ordered the chicken.
What did she order?Copy !req
147. Do you see how your story is full of
holes?Copy !req
148. Come on, Claudia. We go way back.Copy !req
149. Isn't there room for just one more
person?Copy !req
150. Don't make me hurt you, Ted.Copy !req
151. I don't believe this. Claudia's crazy.Copy !req
152. But to be fair, she's also hot.Copy !req
153. I totally checked plus one. I'm sure I
did.Copy !req
154. - Yeah, right.
- I did!Copy !req
155. Yeah, I don't think you did.
You know why?Copy !req
156. Because deep down, you didn't want
to show up at this thing with a date.Copy !req
157. See, for all your big talk about
being ready for a relationship,Copy !req
158. deep down you're single.Copy !req
159. It's your default setting.Copy !req
160. Ted, you know
what's in the back of your brain?Copy !req
161. Oh, great, here comes
the little Barney speech.Copy !req
162. Behind a curtain, in a dark little room,Copy !req
163. secretly controlling your every move...Copy !req
164. - A little Barney.
- A little Barney.Copy !req
165. A little Barney.Copy !req
166. And you know what he said?Copy !req
167. "Ted, you will bring no date
to this wedding.Copy !req
168. "You will hit on drunk bridesmaids
with actual size Barney."Copy !req
169. Wow, please stop.Copy !req
170. I gotta call Claudia.
If I just explain to her...Copy !req
171. Ted, no. Let it go.Copy !req
172. She's about to get married.
She's got enough to worry about.Copy !req
173. Then what am I gonna do?Copy !req
174. The only thing you can do.
Tell Robin she can't come.Copy !req
175. Just a second.Copy !req
176. - Hey.
- Hey. Listen...Copy !req
177. Wait, two things. First of all,Copy !req
178. I've been laying groundwork
all afternoon.Copy !req
179. Totally subtle. Totally cool. Not pushing.
Not even nudging.Copy !req
180. Just, the theme of today is, "Ted rocks!"Copy !req
181. And she's picking up
what I'm laying down.Copy !req
182. - Lily, there's a problem...
- Wait, no. Thing number two,Copy !req
183. the dress. We got a dress.Copy !req
184. Go.Copy !req
185. Well, did I bring it,Copy !req
186. or... did I bring it?Copy !req
187. I think I brought it.Copy !req
188. - Wow!
- That's what I was going for.Copy !req
189. I'm so excited about tomorrow.
We're gonna have so much fun.Copy !req
190. Yeah, about that...Copy !req
191. I'll pick you up at 5:00.Copy !req
192. So, the dress?Copy !req
193. - I don't have a plus one for the wedding.
- What?Copy !req
194. I ran into Claudia and she told me
I didn't check plus one on the reply card.Copy !req
195. - Why didn't you check plus...
- I did check plus one.Copy !req
196. - But Robin is so excited.
- I know.Copy !req
197. - And the dress.
- I know.Copy !req
198. Oh. Okay, okay. We'll sneak her in.Copy !req
199. We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.Copy !req
200. - I wish we were ninjas.
- I know.Copy !req
201. You could always ask Stuart.Copy !req
202. - Can I do that?
- Well, sure.Copy !req
203. You guys have been friends
for a long time.Copy !req
204. And it's 40% his wedding, too.Copy !req
205. I don't know. It's gonna be a tough sell.Copy !req
206. - Dude, no problem whatsoever.
- Really?Copy !req
207. Sure, the more the merrier.Copy !req
208. Wow! Wow, thanks for being
so cool about this.Copy !req
209. 'Cause you know, Claudia said...Copy !req
210. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This morning at the rehearsal,Copy !req
211. Claudia called our 7-year-old
flower girl a whore.Copy !req
212. So don't take it personally,
she's just a little stressed.Copy !req
213. - Yeah, she's not usually like that.
- No.Copy !req
214. Well, thanks, Stu.
It's gonna be a great wedding.Copy !req
215. Honey, this magazine says
more and more couplesCopy !req
216. are opting to have non-traditional
weddings out in the woods.Copy !req
217. Well, if a magazine says so, we should
go get married in the woods,Copy !req
218. like a couple of squirrels.Copy !req
219. Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.Copy !req
220. Like you could possibly know that.Copy !req
221. I did it. I did it.
I'm taking her to the wedding.Copy !req
222. - Nice.
- What? How?Copy !req
223. - I talked to Stuart.
- Oh.Copy !req
224. You went around the bride.Copy !req
225. Oh. This hornet's nest looks harmless.Copy !req
226. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick.Copy !req
227. Oh, look, some gremlins.
Let me go feed them after midnight.Copy !req
228. Did you know about this?Copy !req
229. - It may have been my idea.Copy !req
230. What? Stuart doesn't get a say?Copy !req
231. Ha! So you admit it.
The groom should have an equal say.Copy !req
232. Oh, yeah, sure.Copy !req
233. On the stupid stuff, like who comes.Copy !req
234. So I can invite whoever I want?Copy !req
235. Sure. There's plenty of room in the
woods.Copy !req
236. - It's Claudia.
- So it begins.Copy !req
237. Come on. It can't be that bad.Copy !req
238. Here, Lily, you answer it.Copy !req
239. What? Why?Copy !req
240. Because this whole thing was your idea.
And Claudia scares me.Copy !req
241. But you're the guy who's wanna...Copy !req
242. Oh! Ted's phone.Copy !req
243. Oh. Hi, Claudia.Copy !req
244. What?Copy !req
245. Now, I wasn't there,
but from what I heard,Copy !req
246. it went something like this.Copy !req
247. Oh. By the way, honey,
Ted stopped byCopy !req
248. and I told him he could bring his date
to the wedding.Copy !req
249. You what?Copy !req
250. I told him he could
bring a date to the wedding.Copy !req
251. just tell me, instead of
always undermining me at every turn.Copy !req
252. try to show a little flexibility.
But no. It's all about you.Copy !req
253. And your mother.
Calling me all the time...Copy !req
254. You know what? The wedding's off.Copy !req
255. They broke up.Copy !req
256. - Ow!
- Uh-huh? Uh-huh?Copy !req
257. - It's not because of me, is it?
- Uh-huh?Copy !req
258. And my dad already paid
for this huge wedding.Copy !req
259. He's gonna kill me.Copy !req
260. - Then he's gonna kill Ted.Copy !req
261. Then I'm gonna kill Ted.Copy !req
262. - It's Robin.
Answer it.Copy !req
263. - Lily's phone.
- Ted? Where's Lily?Copy !req
264. I need to tell her about
these awesome shoes I just bought.Copy !req
265. Lily's busy.Copy !req
266. Oh, okay. Well, I just wanted to say
they're gorgeousCopy !req
267. and Ted's gonna love them.Copy !req
268. That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.Copy !req
269. Listen. I really wanna keep talking
but now's not a good time.Copy !req
270. So, I'm really excited
about tomorrow, okay, bye.Copy !req
271. - Okay, bye.
- Crap.Copy !req
272. She bought some expensive shoes.Copy !req
273. She's really looking forward to this.Copy !req
274. - Do you think she's into me?
- Ted, focus.Copy !req
275. Okay, okay, sweetie.Copy !req
276. Just calm down.
Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?Copy !req
277. I wanna go somewhere and drink.Copy !req
278. Okay. Meet me at MacLaren's.
I'll see you there.Copy !req
279. - I feel terrible.
- Well, feel terrible later.Copy !req
280. Right now we gotta fix this.Copy !req
281. Lily, you go down to the bar
and comfort Claudia.Copy !req
282. Ted and I'll go and try to talk
some sense into Stuart.Copy !req
283. Tell Claudia I'm sorry.Copy !req
284. Did she seem pissed at me?Copy !req
285. She said if there's no wedding tomorrow,
you owe her father $400,000.Copy !req
286. What say we get these crazy kids
back together.Copy !req
287. Hi, sad eyes. What's got you down?Copy !req
288. Stuart and I just broke up.Copy !req
289. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
290. That's just... That's...
Two vodka cranberries, please.Copy !req
291. You remembered
I drink vodka cranberries.Copy !req
292. Remember?Copy !req
293. When it comes to you, how can I forget?Copy !req
294. They all drink vodka cranberries.Copy !req
295. So, is there anything else
you need, sweetie?Copy !req
296. You got $400,000?Copy !req
297. No. But I do have a hug.Copy !req
298. Thank you.Copy !req
299. Stuart, I don't know what to say.Copy !req
300. - If I caused this in any way...
- Ted, for all I know you did meCopy !req
301. the biggest favor anyone's ever done me.Copy !req
302. - Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that.
- No, I do.Copy !req
303. If this whole thing's made me realize
I miss being single.Copy !req
304. I miss staying out late and making
messes and not cleaning them up.Copy !req
305. - I miss owning porn!
Dude, who doesn't?Copy !req
306. Yeah. And, you know, I'll see some
super hot model chick and I'll think,Copy !req
307. "Why am I with Claudia?
I could be with her."Copy !req
308. That's just crazy.Copy !req
309. I mean, you're the luckiest...Copy !req
310. You and Claudia both are the luckiest.Copy !req
311. The point is, I wanna get married.
I want to settle down.Copy !req
312. But right now, that's just not who I am.
I'm not a commitment guy.Copy !req
313. I'm a single guy.Copy !req
314. Stuart, you don't have
to be one or the other.Copy !req
315. Everybody feels this way sometimes.Copy !req
316. Relationships aren't easy.
They're hard work.Copy !req
317. It's about compromise, growing together,
all that Dr. Phil crap.Copy !req
318. Yeah, how would you know?
You're not even married.Copy !req
319. Okay, ask this guy.
Nine years he's been with Lily.Copy !req
320. He's the pro.
This guy knows relationships.Copy !req
321. Tell him, Marshall.Copy !req
322. Stuart, don't get married.Copy !req
323. - What?
- Dude!Copy !req
324. Look, I'm sorry.Copy !req
325. Being in a couple is hard
and committing,Copy !req
326. making sacrifices, it's hard.Copy !req
327. But if it's the right person,
then it's easy.Copy !req
328. Looking at that girl and knowing
she's all you really want out of life,Copy !req
329. that should be the easiest thing
in the world.Copy !req
330. And if it's not like that,Copy !req
331. then she's not the one.Copy !req
332. I'm sorry.Copy !req
333. You know I don't have $400,000, right?Copy !req
334. Maybe we got together too young.Copy !req
335. Maybe that's what the problem was.Copy !req
336. I mean, I'm 28 years old,Copy !req
337. and I've really only ever been
with one man.Copy !req
338. That's just... That's...Copy !req
339. Two more vodka cranberries, please.Copy !req
340. Claudia, it's all gonna be okay.Copy !req
341. Thanks for listening, Barney.Copy !req
342. It really means a lot to me.Copy !req
343. Isn't it weird that we should
run into each other like this?Copy !req
344. Two souls...Copy !req
345. of equal levels of attractiveness.Copy !req
346. Both fitting together like
two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.Copy !req
347. - Oh, hell no!
- Ow.Copy !req
348. Ow!Copy !req
349. Claudia is getting married tomorrow,Copy !req
350. and, so help me God, if I catch youCopy !req
351. even so much as breathing
the same air as her,Copy !req
352. I will take those peanuts
you're trying to pass off as testiclesCopy !req
353. and I will squeeze them so hard
your eyes pop out,Copy !req
354. and then I'll feed them to you like
grapes.Copy !req
355. Wait. My eyes or my testicles?Copy !req
356. - One of each.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
357. Claudia.Copy !req
358. Stuart!Copy !req
359. - I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry, too.Copy !req
360. - I love you.
- I love you, too, babe.Copy !req
361. Marshall and Ted set me straight.Copy !req
362. And when Marshall told me
not to marry you it made me realize I...Copy !req
363. - Wait. Marshall said what?
- No, no, no...Copy !req
364. It's more complicated than that.Copy !req
365. No, he made me realize
how much I love you.Copy !req
366. These guys got us back together.Copy !req
367. Okay, I'm cool. I'm cool.Copy !req
368. So, where'd we land
on the whole plus one thing?Copy !req
369. - Ow!
- No, no, no, no. no.Copy !req
370. It took three more vodka
cranberries to subdue Claudia.Copy !req
371. But eventually she graciously
agreed to let me bring Robin.Copy !req
372. Still wow.Copy !req
373. Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.Copy !req
374. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
375. I thought about leaving it at home,
but I figured, I don't want to get thereCopy !req
376. and realize I need it and have to go
all the way back to get it.Copy !req
377. So, yeah, I brought it.Copy !req
378. - Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
379. Hello?Copy !req
380. Oh, my God, tonight?Copy !req
381. You're kidding.Copy !req
382. They want me to anchor the news
tonight.Copy !req
383. Really?Copy !req
384. Like, anchor anchor?Copy !req
385. Well, what happened to Sandy?Copy !req
386. Okay.Copy !req
387. Okay. Sure. What time do you
need me to... Right now?Copy !req
388. Oh.Copy !req
389. Do it.Copy !req
390. Do it.Copy !req
391. Okay, I need, like,
five minutes to change,Copy !req
392. and I'll call you from the cab...Copy !req
393. I see a million facesCopy !req
394. But still My heart embraces...Copy !req
395. So admit it.Copy !req
396. This wedding is both indoors
and amazing.Copy !req
397. I'll give you the crab puffs.
The crab puffs are good.Copy !req
398. The crab puffs were incredible.Copy !req
399. We should totally have them
at our wedding.Copy !req
400. Definitely.Copy !req
401. Wait. We just agreed on something.Copy !req
402. - Did we just start planning our wedding?
- I think that we did.Copy !req
403. There's nobody else...Copy !req
404. We totally have to get
that brown dipping sauce.Copy !req
405. Oh. I think the red sauce
was, like, awesome.Copy !req
406. My God, were you born
without taste buds?Copy !req
407. What?Copy !req
408. I love you.Copy !req
409. Coming up, are there snakes
living in your walls?Copy !req
410. The answer may surprise you.
After the break.Copy !req
411. Man, you know something,
Stuart's my new hero.Copy !req
412. If that dude can bag a nine,Copy !req
413. I gotta be able to bag, like, a 16.Copy !req
414. What's a 16?Copy !req
415. Those two eights right over there. Yeah.Copy !req
416. Yeah.Copy !req
417. - Hi, Ted.
- Claudia.Copy !req
418. We just wanted to get a pictureCopy !req
419. with the woman who almost
ended our relationship.Copy !req
420. Yeah, where is she?Copy !req
421. Um...Copy !req
422. She couldn't make it.Copy !req
423. - What's so funny?
- Plan a wedding. You'll see.Copy !req
424. Look at that.Copy !req
425. That's how it's supposed to be.
That right there.Copy !req
426. Easy. Simple.Copy !req
427. It's just not like that with Robin.Copy !req
428. It's not easy, and on some level,Copy !req
429. it has to just be easy.Copy !req
430. Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted.
Bridesmaids.Copy !req
431. By the way, I almost forgot.
We found this.Copy !req
432. I didn't check plus one.Copy !req
433. You were right.Copy !req
434. Of course I was right.Copy !req
435. I'm single.Copy !req
436. Maybe that's just who I am.
And you know what?Copy !req
437. - I like being single.
- Being single's the best.Copy !req
438. - Yeah! Stay out as late as you want.
- Answer to no one.Copy !req
439. The whole world
full of endless possibilities.Copy !req
440. Never having to go to a farmer's market.Copy !req
441. Okay, doing some math here.Copy !req
442. Table six has got three bridesmaids.Copy !req
443. An eight, an eight, and a seven.Copy !req
444. I am willing to give you
one of the eights,Copy !req
445. lowering myself to a fifteen.Copy !req
446. Which means, you owe me...Copy !req
447. So there we were.
Two single guysCopy !req
448. doing our usual single guy thing.Copy !req
449. For whatever reason,
I had let myself believeCopy !req
450. that this night would be a turning point.Copy !req
451. That this was the night my life,
my real life, would finally begin.Copy !req
452. The funny thing is,
I wasn't totally wrong.Copy !req
453. Because that night was just beginning.Copy !req