Horace and Pete 1x6

1. Oh.

2. So.

3. - This is nice. - Huh?

4. - This is a nice place.

5. - Yeah, yeah.

6. - What?

7. - Well...

8. Okay.

9. - Are you okay?

10. - Yeah, I mean, it's just that, this is—

11. - What's wrong? You're upset.

12. - Thank you.

13. You're upset, I think.

14. - No, I'm not. Why?

15. - Look, I— You know, I didn't—

16. If you want to go, you can just go.

17. - Go where?

18. - Yeah, okay.

19. - Hey, I mean—

20. I'm not sure what's going on with you.

21. This is always weird, but...

22. We're total strangers, but I mean,

23. if you would just tell me...

24. I mean, are you disappointed in my looks or...?

25. - I'm not.

26. - Because you should know, I mean, if that's the case,

27. that doesn't— That doesn't hurt my feelings.

28. - I'm not, you're the one. - I'm the one what?

29. - Look, I—

30. I was pretty damn honest on my profile, you know?

31. I put my real age and a current picture

32. and a preference for women in my age group, so I expect to meet

33. someone who's expecting me, okay?

34. Because it's not exactly fun to show up and— and see a cute

35. young girl looking at me like, booby prize.

36. Do you think that's fun for me?

37. - Whoa, wait a minute. I'm not—

38. - Maybe you should just be a little bit more careful about

39. looking at the person that you choose.

40. You know, I mean, what did you expect?

41. - I expected you.

42. You look exactly like your picture.

43. You look your age, you should...

44. look your age.

45. - Were you gonna tell me you look 45?

46. - Okay, look...

47. I'm the one, okay?

48. I put myself as older.

49. - Why do you do that?

50. - Because, I don't know.

51. Can we just look at the food?

52. Because, I'm actually hungry.

53. Or do you really just want to leave now?

54. - Yeah, let's look at the food.

55. - What are you getting?

56. - Why do you put yourself as older?

57. I mean— I mean, who does that?

58. Nobody does that.

59. - Okay. - I'm sorry, I—

60. I mean, I don't get it.

61. - Well, we can talk about this, but...

62. I don't really know you.

63. And you're not really letting the conversation get started,

64. so how do we get— - You sort of put us behind

65. the eight-ball by lying about your age from jump.

66. I mean, how old are you, really?

67. I mean, maybe we should just go.

68. - I'm 26.

69. - Okay, well...

70. That's young.

71. I mean, I'm old enough to be your ancestor.

72. - Not really.

73. - Come on, when I was in high school,

74. your parents were in junior high school.

75. - My dad is older than you.

76. It's not as bad as you're making it.

77. - Well, so why— why then—

78. - I like older guys.

79. - Okay, but see...

80. I didn't, you know...

81. Put that I want younger woman, all right?

82. I mean, I know some guys do that, but I didn't.

83. You know, I mean, I'm not like that.

84. - I know.

85. I don't like guys that are.

86. See, I like older guys,

87. but I don't like older guys that like younger women.

88. Those kinds of guys are a drag.

89. I like...

90. I don't know.

91. - Okay, well...

92. What do you want to do?

93. - Well, we could just go now.

94. Since it's all weird.

95. Or we could have dinner and talk.

96. Hi. Can I get you guys a drink to start?

97. - Um... - I'm okay with water.

98. - I'll have a white wine.

99. Do you have anything that's okay?

100. I have a pinot grigio.

101. - Yeah, sure. Thanks.

102. - So...

103. What do you want to talk about?

104. - Um...

105. What do you do?

106. - I work at a bar.

107. - Oh, cool.

108. - Why? Why— Why is that cool?

109. - Because— I don't know.

110. 'Cause you won't really talk, because you're mad

111. and being weird,

112. and so I just said "cool"

113. because you're doing nothing to make me comfortable.

114. - Sorry. I'm sorry.

115. It's just "what do you do" doesn't exactly raise my stock

116. any further, all right?

117. I mean, I work in a bar, it's my family's bar.

118. And...

119. I— I keep the place clean and in ship shape,

120. and I live in a small room in the back.

121. It's not exactly impressive.

122. - Well... so?

123. I'm a temp and a barista and I have a stupid blog

124. about books I stopped writing two years ago.

125. No one's impressive anymore.

126. You're really just gonna have water?

127. - Well, I don't drink.

128. - Mm.

129. That's actually pretty refreshing.

130. Almost everyone I know drinks.

131. It's boring, you know?

132. Well, most people my age, anyway.

133. I'm so sick of boys my age.

134. - Yeah, you said that.

135. So, I mean, you like older guys, huh?

136. Does that, like, float your boat or whatever?

137. - If you ever tried dating boys my age, you'd understand.

138. You don't even realize, you're a person.

139. You held the door open for me, you slid out my chair.

140. You dressed up.

141. Boys just show up all smelly and look at the floor.

142. You seem like you were well-raised, like someone taught

143. you manners and chivalry.

144. - I mean, not really.

145. I used to watch a lot of old movies.

146. Um...

147. Guys like Cary Grant.

148. I don't know, you don't need somebody to tell you to treat

149. a lady with respect,

150. it's something that you're just compelled to do.

151. You know, I mean, because women are special.

152. And I don't mean like that, like, uh, you're lesser than men

153. or anything, or different.

154. In fact, I feel that women and men are equals.

155. - I don't.

156. - You don't? - No.

157. I mean, depending on how you're measuring, in some ways,

158. we're better than men, or above men,

159. but other ways, you guys are way ahead.

160. - Yeah? - Yeah, of course.

161. - That would get a guy killed

162. for saying that these days. - Who cares?

163. I mean, what fun would it be if we were totally alike and equal?

164. - Yeah, I guess.

165. - Like, men are stronger than women, you know, physically.

166. I mean, and that's a turn-on,

167. that's part of what we like about you.

168. - Well, I'm not that strong.

169. - Yeah, but you could knock me out.

170. I mean, you could hold me down.

171. If we were in a fight, you could fuck me up really bad.

172. - Okay.

173. - I'm sorry, I'm being— I'm being weird.

174. - Yeah, kind of. - Uh, it's just—

175. You know, it's the truth.

176. It's stupid to pretend that it isn't.

177. Men can run faster and hit harder.

178. I don't care how butch or tough a woman is.

179. When she's gotta move,

180. she calls some guys to pick up her furniture.

181. And sure, she'll have her hair in a ponytail

182. and she'll put on a tank top.

183. But at the end of the day, there's gonna be some guys

184. coming to lift that shit.

185. Come on.

186. - Yeah, true.

187. But... uh...

188. women are morally superior, I think.

189. - Oh, my God. Are you serious?

190. - Yeah, I think so. I mean,

191. if I was gonna trust someone,

192. it would be a woman first.

193. They're gentler and more thoughtful.

194. - You know, Pete.

195. You have a lot more good qualities than you think.

196. - Why do you say that?

197. - I think you sell yourself short.

198. - I don't. I know I have good qualities.

199. - You do?

200. - Sure. - Like what?

201. I'm interested in what you see in yourself.

202. That's interesting.

203. - I don't know.

204. - Yes, you do. You just said you do.

205. Come on, tell me what you know to be some

206. of your good qualities.

207. - Um...

208. I'm fit.

209. I mean, I'm not a fat guy.

210. And, um... (clearing throat)

211. I think the left side of my face is handsome.

212. - You do?

213. - Yeah, I do.

214. I mean, when I look at myself from that angle,

215. I know it looks good.

216. - Wow.

217. Good.

218. That's attractive.

219. Well, that you're aware of your own good looks.

220. What else is good about you?

221. - Um...

222. I have a good memory.

223. - You do?

224. - Yeah, kind of a perfect memory.

225. - Like, you remember a lot of detail or you remember

226. very far back?

227. - Both.

228. - Well, what's— What's an early memory?

229. Like, what's your earliest memory?

230. - Uh...

231. Like, Easter.

232. - Easter?

233. - Yeah, when I was three.

234. - Was it nice?

235. - I don't remember the whole day,

236. but I remember a lot of Easters,

237. because it's a big thing at the bar.

238. You know, at our— at our place.

239. Yeah, every year, we do a big shindig on Easter.

240. - That sounds nice. - Yeah.

241. So this Easter, when I was three, there was this

242. very old guy and I guess he came into the place a lot,

243. and he came that Easter,

244. and you know, I was there with all the other kids

245. and we were eating some kind of chocolate, and this old guy,

246. he, uh—

247. he bends over and he gets this really weird look on his face,

248. and he's holding a paper plate with ham on it or something,

249. and then all of a sudden, he drops the plate,

250. and he starts throwing up,

251. like, black blood all over the floor.

252. Um... and, uh...

253. - Oh, my God. - And he—

254. And he died.

255. - Oh, my God.

256. - Yeah.

257. And...

258. You know, the second he fell, we could all smell

259. that he shit himself,

260. and even though I was three, I knew he was dead.

261. And ever since then, I haven't been able to eat chocolate.

262. - Jesus.

263. That's horrible.

264. - Well, I said I had a good memory,

265. not that I have good memories.

266. Well, what are some of your good qualities that you're aware of?

267. - Um...

268. Oh, God.

269. - Come on, what do you got? - Mm.

270. I'm good at...

271. Nothing.

272. Pretty much.

273. Oh, no, this is lame.

274. I made you do it and you knocked it out of the park

275. and now I'm just— I'm bombing.

276. - No, it's like you said, we're—

277. We're not equals, so maybe that's something that I can do

278. that you can't.

279. - Yeah. I guess so.

280. - So let me do it for you.

281. - What?

282. - Here, look at me.

283. Okay, so...

284. You have pretty eyes.

285. And you have...

286. Your hair is shiny and bouncy and...

287. - Well, it must be my shampoo.

288. - I'm not done. Look at me.

289. You have a cute smile.

290. And...

291. You're smart.

292. You're brave.

293. You're kind.

294. You listen.

295. You put yourself out there.

296. And...

297. You're decent.

298. You're humble.

299. Honest.

300. You're different.

301. - Different?

302. - Yeah, you're—

303. You're totally, utterly different from any girl

304. I've ever met.

305. Woman, I mean.

306. - Girl is fine.

307. - Did you close up downstairs?

308. - Yeah, I closed up.

309. Should I open the wine?

310. - Yeah, if you want.

311. I mean, I don't think that's the kind of wine where it gets

312. better when you let it breathe or anything like that.

313. - You don't think I got good wine?

314. I thought it was good.

315. 25 bucks for the bottle.

316. - I'm— I'm sure it's fine, I'm just saying,

317. I don't think it's that kind.

318. - Well, what are you basing that on?

319. Did you look at it? - Not really.

320. - Then why do you say that?

321. - I don't know, Pete.

322. - I feel like you're trying to make me feel bad

323. about the wine I got.

324. - That's in your head.

325. - Okay, fuck you, Horace.

326. - What? What did I do?

327. - Make a comment and then you don't stand behind it.

328. And then— And then you try and make me

329. feel like I'm being crazy.

330. - Well, you are being crazy.

331. - Yeah, like I said, fuck you.

332. - What time is it?

333. - It's around 7:00 almost.

334. - What is he upset about?

335. - I'm not.

336. He makes a comment about the wine and then he pretends like

337. nothing happened.

338. - It's fine. You got good wine, Pete.

339. - I didn't say he didn't.

340. - You know, Horace, just—

341. Stop your pressing his fucking buttons with your

342. passive-aggressive shit.

343. - Okay, fine.

344. - The guy in the wine store said that this was a good wine

345. for the price,

346. and that if you open it up an hour before you eat,

347. it gives it time to breathe and for the aromatic—

348. - Well, he's the wine guy, don't ask me, I'm not the wine guy.

349. - Well, why do you take it upon yourself—

350. - 'Cause you fucking asked me, Pete.

351. - Horace, where'd you get these spices?

352. - I don't know, those are the— those are the spices.

353. - They've just sort of been here?

354. - Yeah.

355. Grandma got some and Mom probably got some.

356. Marsha, I guess, bought some.

357. Jesus Christ, Sylvia.

358. - I'm not living with a dead person's spices.

359. It's morbid.

360. When I die, you can get rid of these, too.

361. - I'm opening the wine.

362. - Yeah, that's a really good idea, Pete.

363. - Fuck you. - Uh-huh.

364. - Hey, Sylvia, thanks for cooking up a big dinner.

365. - I'm not cooking up a big dinner.

366. I would have loved to cook a big dinner, Pete, but you only told

367. me about this a few hours ago.

368. You know, I'm making pasta and I got some meatballs already

369. cooked from the deli.

370. - Well, thanks for that.

371. - Look at Chris Christie.

372. Look at that face.

373. God damn it.

374. He's done.

375. - I'm thinking, like, Trump has something over him.

376. - Right? - Something, right?

377. - Yeah. - It's gotta be.

378. How does Trump— I mean, no matter what he does,

379. no matter what he says,

380. he just keeps getting stronger.

381. - No, it's—

382. I think that the Republicans,

383. that's why they have to stop him.

384. Like, they gotta forget this election,

385. stop Trump and then that'll save them,

386. because it's like, even if you don't like them, you'd have to

387. admire them for that. - That's not the point, guys.

388. It's guys.

389. It's all guys.

390. It's all about the boys, you know?

391. You think maybe it's time for a woman.

392. - You really think that if Hillary was president,

393. this would all be better?

394. Like, she would do a better— - I'm just saying, we've had—

395. We've had 44 men in a row in that job

396. and the world is going to shit.

397. So how about you try a woman?

398. You know, just to try it.

399. - Just, any woman?

400. - Yes, any woman.

401. All right, here we go.

402. - Hey, guys?

403. Can we just be, uh...

404. Okay?

405. Horace.

406. Sorry. Hi, Jenny.

407. - Hi, Pete.

408. Hi.

409. - Oh, this is my brother and sister, this is Horace.

410. - Nice to meet you.

411. - Sylvia. - Hi.

412. - Hello.

413. - Nice to, um... - Come on in.

414. - I brought wine.

415. - Oh. - Nothing fancy.

416. - All right, 'cause I got—

417. - Pete bought wine, honey, and he's very anxious about it,

418. so let's serve his wine.

419. - That's okay.

420. You don't have to open this now.

421. You can have it another time.

422. - Dinner will be ready as soon as this water boils.

423. - Okay, um, no hurry.

424. - Um... - Want to have a seat?

425. - Sure. - Yeah.

426. - Oh, thank you.

427. - So where are you from?

428. - I grew up in Michigan.

429. - Mm, what part?

430. - Do you know Michigan? - No.

431. - Oh. It's—

432. It's a really small town called Engadine.

433. - Sylvia, do you need to wash the pots or so— You wanna?

434. - Yeah.

435. - Hi. - Hi there.

436. - Nice to, uh...

437. Mm.

438. - ... meet you.

439. - So, Michigan— Engadine, Michigan?

440. - Yeah. - Uh-huh.

441. - Yeah, Engadine is—

442. It's in the U.P. - Uh-huh.

443. - What they call the upper peninsula, in Michigan.

444. - Is it cold up there?

445. - In the winter, yeah. Right.

446. - Yeah, Jenny was telling me

447. that when her dad died, it was the winter,

448. and they couldn't bury him until the thaw.

449. You know, the ground was too hard.

450. - Wow, that's... Mhm.

451. - That's...

452. - Just saying, that's how cold it is.

453. - Yeah.

454. So, how'd you guys...

455. How'd you end up here from Michigan?

456. How did you end up in—

457. - I— I went to Brooklyn College.

458. - Brooklyn College?

459. I thought just New York kids went there.

460. - I really wanted to live in New York, since I was little.

461. Uh-huh. - It was my dream.

462. Brooklyn College was the only school I could get into

463. that I could afford.

464. It's funny, I pictured living in Manhattan,

465. but I've only been to Manhattan maybe three times

466. since I got here.

467. - And how long ago was that?

468. That you got here? That you were in college?

469. - I'm— I'm 26.

470. - Got it.

471. - So, uh... - How'd you guys meet?

472. - We met online, I told you that.

473. - Yes, you did.

474. - Yeah.

475. I know it's kinda lame, but...

476. It's just not easy to meet people these days.

477. - I've also heard that online relationships don't last,

478. but Pete seems pretty darn serious about you.

479. - Sylvia.

480. Come on, I—

481. I didn't say we were serious.

482. - It's okay.

483. We are serious.

484. I'm crazy about Pete.

485. - That's nice. - That's terrific.

486. - Yeah.

487. - I'm gonna pour some wine.

488. - Is everything okay?

489. I'm— I'm sensing that there's something—

490. - No, no, it's all right.

491. - No, you're— Pete's new girl, you know.

492. Since you guys are so serious, we're getting to know you.

493. - Well, I appreciate that.

494. Maybe you could consider that I'm pretty nervous and,

495. so you're not really seeing me as I am right now, because...

496. Well, this is weird.

497. - What's weird about it? That you're half his age?

498. - Sylvie. - Come on.

499. Sylvia, stop. That's— You're being mean.

500. - I am? - Yeah, pretty fucking mean.

501. - Uh, the pasta.

502. - Oh, yeah.

503. - Can we— Should we sit?

504. - Listen, don't—

505. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

506. - Worry about what? We're fine.

507. - Nothing, nothing, it's okay.

508. Should I sit down? - Yeah.

509. Here you go. - Thanks.

510. - Thank you.

511. - Ah, coming through.

512. - This looks good.

513. Thank you. - Yeah.

514. - Thank you.

515. - You want some cheese?

516. - Please.

517. - Thank you. Mm-hm.

518. - Oh, excuse me.

519. Um...

520. Jenny's a Baptist, so she's accustomed to saying grace.

521. - Really?

522. - It's okay, we really—

523. We don't have to. - Yeah, we don't—

524. We don't say grace here.

525. - Well, it wouldn't kill us to say grace.

526. I mean...

527. I mean, you know, if someone who is present who says grace,

528. especially if they're a guest,

529. I think we could do her the honor.

530. - That's—

531. That's fine with me.

532. - I feel funny.

533. - No, go ahead, by all means, say grace at our table.

534. - Go ahead. Go ahead, Jenny.

535. - Pete, don't— - Don't make her do it.

536. - Why don't you say it? You should say it, Pete.

537. - All right. (clearing throat)

538. Um, thank you God for this meal.

539. Thank you for our food.

540. And... thank you for bringing us Jenny, um...

541. to share this meal with us.

542. And thank you, um...

543. For our blessings.

544. Thanks for our brother and sister.

545. - You fuck. You're gonna lie to God now?

546. - Sylvia. - Well?

547. - What?

548. - He's not our brother.

549. Horace and I are brother and sister, Pete's our cousin.

550. - Oh. - It's not that simple.

551. Well... - We— We grew up as siblings,

552. in our childhood and then we found out late—

553. - Okay, do you mind if I tell my life?

554. At my own choice? - You brought her here, Pete.

555. What? Did you want us to lie, too?

556. - It's not a lie. I—

557. What the fuck do you care what I tell her?

558. - I'm just saying, you bring somebody home,

559. you know, and you want us all to be family with her or whatever

560. your fantasy is, you think you'd tell her the truth.

561. And yes, Jenny, I have cancer, by the way.

562. - Oh, I'm sorry.

563. - I mean, Pete, I saw the look on her face.

564. You could have done the poor girl a favor, you know, when you

565. invited her, you could have said, oh, by the way,

566. my sister— my cousin,

567. has cancer, so she didn't have to look horrified

568. when she walked in the door.

569. - I wasn't horrified.

570. - Okay, Jenny?

571. This is my cousin, Sylvia and my cousin, Horace.

572. And Sylvia has cancer.

573. And we used to be brother and sister, until the man

574. who I thought was my uncle

575. dropped the news that he was my father,

576. and then he shot himself.

577. Okay? Is that enough?

578. Is that honest enough for you, Sylvia?

579. Because apparently,

580. I have to ask you what I can tell or not tell

581. the girl I'm in love with?

582. - Pete. - Well, actually, I—

583. I do think there is more you could tell her.

584. No, don't. Don't.

585. - What? I just think if they're in love,

586. she has a right to know.

587. - Maybe don't tell me.

588. Don't say it.

589. Sylvia, don't say it.

590. - All right, never mind.

591. Just... - Never mind!

592. Sorry, Jenny.

593. - It's okay.

594. Kind of.

595. - No, really, I'm— I'm very sorry.

596. I truly do apologize. You must be in hell.

597. You seem like a very nice person

598. and this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

599. - It's really— It's okay, whenever you go

600. to meet a guy's family, it's always...

601. - It's just that when you get to be older, you're gonna see guys

602. his age with a girl your age,

603. it's gonna make you want to puke.

604. Of course, it doesn't now, but it will.

605. - Okay. - Oh, my God.

606. Oh, my God.

607. - Is there any way at all we could talk about something else?

608. Yes. Please.

609. - Well, let's see.

610. Before you got here,

611. the boys and I were discussing Hillary Clinton.

612. I was just saying that after all the war and graft,

613. I thought maybe it was time to let a woman have a try.

614. What do you think?

615. - I, um...

616. I like it better when a man is president.

617. - Pete is a heavily medicated outpatient...

618. of a mental hospital.

619. - What? - Horace.

620. - He takes something called Probitol.

621. If he doesn't take it, he has—

622. He thinks there's snakes and monsters everywhere.

623. He starts screaming.

624. - Wait.

625. Pete...

626. - Why'd you just say that?

627. - Well...

628. - Pete, is that true?

629. - Yes. Jesus.

630. Uh...

631. Yeah, he had a psychotic breakdown when he was 16.

632. He was committed to a mental hospital when he was 25

633. and lived there on and off

634. and 'til they invented Probitol, thank God,

635. depending on who you ask, and now he is, you know,

636. a stable enough man,

637. he lives in a little room downstairs,

638. pushes the broom around,

639. unless the drug has him in a stupor.

640. That's Pete.

641. Jenny, this is Pete. Meet Pete.

642. You ready to take that on?

643. All of 26?

644. You ready to handle that and all that that comes with?

645. 'Til you see him into his old age

646. in all of, like, 20 years from now?

647. - Fuck.

648. - What? Come on. What, it's fine.

649. We are a family. Everybody eat your pasta.

650. - I... I better go.

651. For the record,

652. I don't know you guys.

653. But that was mean,

654. the way you just told me that.

655. And I don't care if he's your brother or your cousin.

656. I wouldn't treat a dog the way you just treated Pete.

657. I'm sorry. No, that's—

658. That's rude to say, but, you don't seem exactly concerned

659. with how you talk to me, so...

660. I'm gonna go.

661. Pete...

662. Okay.

663. Good night. - Good night.

664. - You know, Sylvie,

665. if you really loved me, this all would have

666. been okay...

667. if you really

668. ever showed me any love.

669. - She seemed really nice.

670. - This country's going to shit in a handbag.

671. This is good.