Horace and Pete 1x10

1. - Mommy? - Shh, shh, shh.

2. Don't wake up your father.

3. Mommy, I can't find my quarter.

4. Okay.

5. Come over here.

6. Let me make you some cereal.

7. Mommy, I lost my quarter.

8. You had a quarter?

9. It's my bicentennial quarter.

10. Dad gave it to me.

11. All right, I'm sorry.

12. Sorry.

13. Hi, Ma.

14. Shh, Pete, shh...

15. You'll wake up your father.

16. Get some milk for your brother's cereal, please.

17. Hey, Mom.

18. Can I have Ronnie come to Easter?

19. Uhh, Ronnie?

20. My friend from my team?

21. Oh, yes. Uh...

22. I don't know.

23. We can talk about it.

24. It's just Ronnie has me over his house a lot.

25. You know, his family's really nice,

26. but I've never had him here, so I feel kinda bad.

27. Easter's a big deal.

28. Yeah.

29. We have people over for Easter I've never even seen before.

30. Ronnie's my friend.

31. - Have you seen my quarter anywhere? - No.

32. You need a quarter? I'll give you one.

33. It's my bicentennial quarter.

34. Dad gave it to me.

35. Oh.

36. No.

37. Mom, so Ronnie and I were thinking that we could...

38. Okay.

39. Dad?

40. Huh?

41. I lost the quarter you gave me.

42. Shut up now about the quarter, Horace, I told you, don't bother your father.

43. How'd you lose it?

44. Stupid.

45. Can I have another one?

46. What, am I gonna pay you to be stupid?

47. What are you doing over there?

48. Get over here.

49. Eat breakfast with your...

50. children.

51. I was gonna see my sister today.

52. - Since when? - I talked to her yesterday.

53. - Didn't say nothing to me about it. - No, I...

54. I'm gonna go there today around noon.

55. So.

56. The fuck are you... What are you doing?

57. Horace...

58. You're staying right here.

59. Mhm.

60. You're staying right here.

61. Hey, Dad.

62. Yesterday was the hottest in recorded history for this day for New York.

63. What are you smiling at?

64. Don't smile, you gotta be a tough guy.

65. You gotta be a tough guy.

66. Come on. Are you a tough guy?

67. Huh?

68. You a tough guy? Come here, come here.

69. Come here, come here. You a tough guy?

70. Come on. Come here, come here.

71. Be tough guy, tough guy.

72. Come on, let me see tough guy.

73. Show me tough guy, huh?

74. Huh? Come on.

75. No, no, no, no. Show me tough guy.

76. - Horace... - Show me tough guy.

77. Show me tough guy.

78. Come here.

79. - Horace... - Ow, ow, ow!

80. - Horace. - Yeah, there you go.

81. - Horace! - There you go.

82. - Ow! - That'll make you tough.

83. Where's Sylvia?

84. Um, she didn't come home last night.

85. - She's out with that... - No, she's out with Tina.

86. I told her she could stay at her's.

87. What are you doing? You're lying...

88. Two times, it's 9:00.

89. You already lied twice.

90. Every time you open that mouth, it's to lie.

91. You brush your teeth, you're lying.

92. The only time that mouth of yours is not lying...

93. And sports fans, the funs begins.

94. A classic matchup between Horace Wittel

95. and his formidable opponent, Mary Ann Wittel.

96. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

97. Gotta go to my game.

98. That sister of yours is a fucking snake.

99. All you... fucking broads are up to something.

100. Go put some real clothes on.

101. Go... Get out of your little baby jammies.

102. - I'm... I'm not done with my breakfast. - You had enough.

103. You had enough.

104. You dress him up like he's a... Like a little teddy bear.

105. Like a fag.

106. Look at me. Look at me.

107. Look at me.

108. Look at me.

109. You're not going anywhere.

110. You're staying right here.

111. Fucking...

112. Holy shit, it's hot out there today.

113. It's hotter than a four-titted Mexican woman on diarrhea.

114. Holy shit.

115. Then my truck breaks down, overheats, and I said...

116. I said fuck it.

117. I just left it right there in the middle of the fucking street.

118. Then I come in here to get a beer

119. and this shit is warmer than the shit

120. that's running out of my radiator.

121. Oh, fuck you, George. Get out if you don't like it.

122. I don't like it.

123. Why can't you fucking refrigerate your beer like everybody else, Pete?

124. Because fuck you is why.

125. I got all the machines downstairs to do it,

126. but every time I go to turn it on, I think, ah, fuck that black George.

127. If you want to cool off, go find yourself a big watermelon and climb inside.

128. Warm beer. I'll give you warm beer.

129. And you did give me warm beer, you Irish bastard.

130. The fuck you laughing at?

131. Nothing, Daddy.

132. You dumb, drunk bitches.

133. What the... Shut the fuck up!

134. - Make me, then. - Yeah, make her.

135. Just... You know what?

136. You take your lezzie friend somewhere and y'all lick on each other's balls.

137. Is that what y'all do? Hey, hey, hey!

138. Yeah, lick on each other's balls.

139. None of that in here.

140. None of what?

141. - What are you laughing at? - If you two are gonna...

142. do that to each other, just go somewhere else.

143. - Hey, Jimmy. - How you doing, Pete?

144. What do you hear, what do you say?

145. Nothing. Nothing.

146. You want coffee?

147. Only your best, Pete.

148. Nothing but your best coffee.

149. Horace.

150. - How are you, Horace Sr.? - Hi.

151. How you feeling, still got both your kidneys?

152. One's fulled up. I gotta empty out soon.

153. One of my balls, you know.

154. Duly noted.

155. No school today?

156. No, it's Good Friday, Pete, you heathen.

157. The students have to beat each other up at home today.

158. Fucking animals.

159. They're all right.

160. They just got too much energy for a classroom,

161. so once in a while, they crack each other over

162. the head with a fucking Snoopy lunchbox.

163. Yeah, but I hear the gangs are infiltrating the schools now.

164. Oh, my God, the gangs.

165. I was in Coney Island the other day,

166. I had my daughter for the weekend, pick her up at her

167. friend's house in Trump Village,

168. take her to Coney Island, the boardwalk.

169. We go on the Cyclone.

170. She says, Daddy, it's boring.

171. The Cyclone is boring now.

172. So we're on the boardwalk, ice cream, whatever.

173. You drink coffee in a bar?

174. Yes, ma'am.

175. Why the fuck would you come to a bar to drink coffee?

176. Hey, shut up.

177. Unless you want to get the fuck out yourself.

178. You gonna kick me out just for asking the man a question?

179. Yeah, Pete, it's all right, it's a legitimate question.

180. Why would I drink coffee in a bar?

181. Because he fucking likes it, okay?

182. Because it's his fucking business and not yours.

183. Anyway, you're a degenerate lesbian.

184. And...

185. Jimmy here is an educated guy.

186. So go fuck yourself.

187. I was gonna go with a more diplomatic response,

188. but it's Pete's bar, so I guess, go fuck yourself is an order.

189. Go fuck yourself, young lady.

190. How dare you ask the teacher a question?

191. Hey, Dad.

192. You wanna go lay down?

193. What?

194. Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a minute?

195. What for?

196. Maybe you're tired, maybe you want to lie down.

197. I'm fine.

198. I'm on the boardwalk, me and my daughter.

199. It's quiet.

200. Suddenly, you hear "Homicides, Homicides, Homicides."

201. Ooh, Homicides, the Homicides.

202. Worst gang in Brooklyn, worst gang in Brooklyn.

203. About 80 of them in their leathers running right towards us.

204. And they're yelling "Homicides, Homicides."

205. I'm looking at my daughter like, is there something you're not telling me?

206. Are you in a feud with the crazy Homicides?

207. They stole your pop rocks?

208. I don't know. They're coming right at us.

209. - What happened? - Just then, right behind us,

210. but in the same direction, four or five members of the Jolly Stompers.

211. Oh, that's the guys who's in the satin jackets.

212. Jolly Stompers, I mean, terrifying when you see them on the train,

213. but when there's 80 Homicides chasing them, fairly docile.

214. One of them had a little ball of shit rolling down his pant leg as he ran.

215. They were scared.

216. And then... So wait a minute, wait.

217. The Homicide gang were chasing them.

218. Thank Christ, at least from our point of view.

219. So these ill-fated Jolly Stompers run past us

220. and we're standing there frozen, can't move, and this

221. running mob runs around us like a herd of buffalo

222. and we're just standing there and then

223. ten seconds, just standing around us yelling.

224. Homicides, Homicides,

225. and running after these poor souls, who are probably dead by now, by the way.

226. And...

227. And ten seconds later, they're gone.

228. Just me and my daughter,

229. standing there, my 13-year-old daughter and me,

230. and we still have nothing to talk about.

231. Hey, Pete. Give me another one?

232. Cash first.

233. What?

234. Horace, come on. What is this shit?

235. Hey.

236. You ain't paid for the last three I poured you.

237. - Okay, okay, okay. - Cash first.

238. So I'm broke.

239. I've got...

240. I've got a quarter.

241. You know what?

242. What if I could make

243. a one dollar bill that you gave me change into a twenty.

244. - Ooh, I wanna see it. - I wanna go dancing.

245. Then you'll give me a free drink?

246. - What are you talking about? - If I can make your one into a twenty.

247. Can I... Can I borrow this? Swear you'll get it right back.

248. - I won't do... - Mm-hmm.

249. Do you have a... Could I...

250. Yeah?

251. Here, you take the twenty, I don't want to touch his money.

252. His money.

253. Your money, I don't do anything.

254. Just... Just fold it.

255. No, no, no. Fold it, fold it, fold it.

256. And then again, this way.

257. Crease it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

258. Like this. Yeah, yeah, good, good, good.

259. Here, so if I rub the twenty, just like this, here.

260. Can you see, your twenty?

261. - Yeah. - Look.

262. If I rub the twenty against the one, see, the ink'll start to change.

263. See? Here, you see your twenty?

264. I'm going to give you my one, but look.

265. If I just place the little piece on top

266. like this and I do that.

267. See, now, actually...

268. No...

269. - I kinda messed up. - Oh! That's a...

270. Fuck?

271. What the fuck? How did you do that?

272. I didn't do that.

273. It just happened.

274. Come on, what do you think...

275. Don't fucking touch me.

276. Now, just tell me how you did it.

277. How the fuck did you do that?

278. - Hey, it's a trick. - Tell him it's a trick, please.

279. It's a trick.

280. I don't know any tricks.

281. I just watch nature happen.

282. Nature?

283. You fucking freak!

284. What? My eyes didn't see that, all right?

285. What did you do? What happened?

286. It's all right, Pete, it's a trick.

287. He's doing... Show him the trick.

288. I don't know.

289. Show him the trick or we need you to go.

290. I don't know. Here.

291. Oh!

292. Okay, all right. Time to go, time to go.

293. Let's go.

294. - Okay, I'm going. - Let's go.

295. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Where's my twenty?

296. Look under Pete's watch.

297. Holy shit.

298. All right.

299. That's enough. Fucking scumbag!

300. - What the... - That's enough of your shit.

301. Let's go, goodbye.

302. What the fuck was that, huh?

303. Yeah.

304. I'm just gonna go.

305. - Where are you going? - I'm... See my sister, I told you.

306. Why are you going there?

307. I'm just gonna go to my sister's house.

308. I can go where I want. No, you're not.

309. - I don't need your permission, Horace. - No, you're not.

310. You have no right to keep me here like a fucking prisoner.

311. Just let me go, please.

312. All right, go ahead.

313. Thank you... Horace...

314. I told you to cut your hair.

315. So, anyone have an opinion on this peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter?

316. Looks like he's floating to the top of the sewer.

317. Could be our next president.

318. Well, anything to throw that fuckin' bum Ford out of there.

319. Okay, now, what's your problem with Ford?

320. Are you fucking kidding me?

321. You know what he said, he...

322. Here.

323. I saved it, all right?

324. Drop Dead."

325. He's been saving that headline for a year now.

326. Yeah. Fuck this guy!

327. He can go fuck himself forever.

328. You know what? I wish I had Squeaky Fromme right here

329. and I could fucking teach her how to shoot a gun.

330. Oh.

331. Fucking hippies, they send in a girl, you know?

332. I mean, she had a clear shot at Ford

333. and she throws the bullet like a girl.

334. Holy moly.

335. Pete.

336. I understand you have a hate for the president, but it's pretty severe.

337. Jeez. Oh, wait- Wait a minute.

338. Where does he get the balls, all right?

339. To tell America's greatest city to drop dead.

340. That's just it. He never said that.

341. The Daily News said he did, but he didn't say it.

342. Oh, I don't care. You don't, as leader of the free world,

343. tell this city, I mean, this great city, which by the way,

344. gave more of its sons and brothers to every war,

345. you know, since we kept the British from

346. crossing the Hudson River.

347. Not accurate, but I get your point.

348. How... How do you tell a whole city

349. of New Yorkers to drop dead, all right?

350. New York is the greatest city in the world.

351. Paris is a better city.

352. He's right. We got nothing on Paris.

353. I wish I was in Paris right now.

354. What's so fucking great about Paris?

355. Shut up.

356. Their cheese, their bread, the way they kiss, eau de toilett.

357. Cancan.

358. - Hey. - Everything's better.

359. Hey, hey, hey!

360. You fucking playing backgammon over there?

361. Close that shit up.

362. We don't do that here.

363. You heard me. Close it up now, and get out.

364. - Get outta here. - Get out.

365. Get outta here.

366. - Fuck, I didn't see that. - Get outta here.

367. Fucking backgammon.

368. Oh, shit.

369. Here come these two rummies.

370. Hi, Lenny.

371. - Hi. - Pete, you're gonna serve 'em?

372. Why not?

373. Fucking Ford.

374. He's a fucking piece of shit is what he is.

375. And he's a clumsy motherfucker.

376. Pete, I understand you don't like the president, but the fact is,

377. he never said "Drop dead, New York."

378. He probaly said... he said something a lot more boring, like,

379. I'll veto any bill that includes the bailout of the municipal government

380. of New York.

381. He said it, Jimmy!

382. - Okay. - He said it!

383. All right, all right, Jimmy, why don't you change the subject, huh?

384. What else is in the news?

385. Well, Namath going to the Rams.

386. - I mean... - Who cares?

387. Well, I for one, don't like it.

388. Anyone care to weigh in?

389. Joe Namath has a great tush.

390. Great tush? Great.

391. 'Cause you're a fucking fag.

392. No, I'm not a fag, I just appreciate a great tush when I see one.

393. No offense, Mike, but you are a fag.

394. You're a fag.

395. No... I am not a fag, you're not a fag.

396. Hey, I'm not... I'm not a fag.

397. Oh, yeah? Prove it.

398. All right, all right, all right. All right, he said it 'cause...

399. - What? - He said it 'cause you said it.

400. He said it 'cause you said it. But I'm not a fag.

401. Yeah, no, we know you're not a fag.

402. Right, you said it, 'cause you retaliated. Yeah, I said it 'cause you said I was-

403. - Right? - Yes.

404. All right, it's okay, Pete.

405. - Watch your mouth. - It's okay.

406. You watch my mouth.

407. - What? - Nothing.

408. Okay, okay. All right, Mike.

409. Mike, let me get... Let me buy you a beer.

410. It's okay, Pete.

411. I can't come, Abb.

412. He won't... He won't let me leave here.

413. I can't just leave.

414. He doesn't let me do anything.

415. Yeah, well, it's... That's easy for you to say, Abby, all right?

416. I will come and see you tomorrow.

417. And we'll talk about it, okay?

418. Wha... Why? Becau... Yeah, because he's my husband.

419. That is my fault and I can't do anything about that.

420. No, do not come here, I'm telling you, that's gonna make things worse.

421. Yeah, I know, I know. I know, I know.

422. I... I don't know what to do.

423. I don't know...

424. I don't know what to do, can't do this anymore.

425. I just want to die every day.

426. I can't.

427. No, do not... I can't, I can't, Abby.

428. Don't do that. I'm telling you, don't come here.

429. Just tell me that...

430. That you love me and that it's gonna be okay.

431. I know, but just say it anyway, will you, honey, please?

432. I'm dying over here, I need you.

433. I don't need you like that.

434. Why can't I? Why can't I?

435. I'm the one getting my ass kicked over here, it's not you.

436. Horace.

437. Yeah, I have children here, you don't know what that's like.

438. Yeah, but I'm not gonna do that.

439. What are you, crazy?

440. Yeah.

441. No, I can't do that.

442. Come her. Go downstairs, get mama a pack of cigarettes.

443. Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

444. I know, Abby.

445. Oh, okay.

446. Well, Little Horace, when he was about six,

447. he was in the little league and I coached his team, right?

448. And so he played right field, so right away, you know how good he is, right?

449. I mean, how many kids that age could hit it out to right field?

450. So he'd be out there, you know, picking his nose and staring off,

451. and then one day, he comes running up to me in the middle of the game,

452. up to the bench, he says,

453. Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete,

454. I gotta make a pee pee!

455. I said, get the fuck back out on the field!

456. What's the matter with you?

457. He said, time out, Uncle Pete, I gotta make a pee pee!

458. I said, I don't care if you gotta make a doo-doo.

459. You don't stop in the middle of the game.

460. What are you doing?

461. What is this, girls' softball?

462. And then he's crying like, wahh...

463. All right, all right, I had to call a time-out.

464. So I say to the ump, time out.

465. And then I go over to Horace, I said, okay, all right, come here.

466. Here, come here.

467. I said, all right, Horace.

468. I called a time out so you can go take a leak, all right?

469. I mean, what am I gonna do? He's my nephew and he's crying, right?

470. So I said, okay, honey, go to the toilet, I'll put Ralphie in right field, all right?

471. So you can go take a pee pee.

472. And he's crying, just standing there.

473. I said, what's the matter with you?

474. I thought you had to go make a pee pee?

475. Now go make a pee pee!

476. And he says...

477. Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete, it's too late!

478. I look and he's got piss all over his pants!

479. His pants are covered in piss!

480. Remember that, Horace?

481. Remember when you peed your pants in little league?

482. Where you going?

483. Oh, come on, you little crybaby!

484. Don't cry, little Horace.

485. He's all right. He's all right, Pa.

486. Oh, Jesus.

487. Hey, Horace, didn't your other boy play baseball, too?

488. Yeah. Yeah, Little Pete's good.

489. - Yeah. - He's on a team, he's great.

490. Shortstop, and he can hit it.

491. Fantastic.

492. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

493. Where you been?

494. Where you been?

495. Heaven.

496. Tell me where you been. What, are you fucking wearing lipstick?

497. When'd you start wearing lipstick?

498. Where you been? Tell me where you been and don't lie.

499. Don't tell me you been at Tina's, 'cause your mother

500. already colluded on that lie and I'm not buying it.

501. I don't have to lie to you, I don't have to tell you anything.

502. You're dating that nigger again.

503. Yeah, I don't date niggers, Dad, I just fuck 'em.

504. There's something wrong with you.

505. - Oh, yeah? - There's something wrong with you.

506. Yeah, what's wrong with me?

507. - Somebody should put you away. - Oh, yeah?

508. She's got a mouth on her.

509. I mean, the way she talks.

510. You know what I heard?

511. That all teenage girls,

512. they got, like, a hormonal imbalance,

513. so no matter what you do,

514. you know, you could smack 'em and smack 'em.

515. Beat the shit out of them, tell them right from wrong, it ain't gonna get through.

516. That's true. She gonna be married in another year anyway, Horace.

517. Let some other guy smack her out.

518. Your people do that a lot, don't' they, George?

519. Say what?

520. You smack the shit out of your kids.

521. Well, I just do what my daddy did, man.

522. A teenage girl hates her father.

523. She's supposed to.

524. It's a biological imperative so she doesn't fuck her father.

525. Hey, hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?

526. I loved my dad.

527. Hey, Dad.

528. We won.

529. Nice.

530. Hey.

531. You okay?

532. Where's Mom?

533. She's in there crying.

534. Oh.

535. Oh, hey, guess what I got?

536. What?

537. Guess.

538. What?

539. Look at the back.

540. Bicentennial.

541. Oh. Wow.

542. Thanks, Pete.

543. Sure.

544. Now I can show Dad I have another one.

545. Pete.

546. - What did you do to my stuff? - What?

547. What did you do to my pictures?

548. I didn't do anything.

549. I found all these fucking pictures in the trash.

550. Those are mine and you scratched out the faces!

551. Why do you think I did it!

552. Because you're a fucking retard!

553. You have mental problems, or you're queer or something, I don't know.

554. Just shut up! Shut up!

555. What is wrong with you, Pete?

556. Why can't any of us be normal? Shut up!

557. - Why can't anyone be fucking normal? - Just shut up!

558. - No! - Sylvia!

559. - I have had it! - Shut up!

560. - I have fucking had it with you! - Shut up!

561. - How dare you? - I didn't do anything!

562. I didn't do anything!

563. Why are we coming down here?

564. - Shh, shh, shh, shh... - Mom, this is so stupid.

565. You just sneak out?

566. Shh! You're gonna wake up your father.

567. So what, Mom?

568. - This is a fucking waste of time. - Yeah, you shut your mouth.

569. This is all because of you.

570. Because you had to stay out late. It's not my fault.

571. If I don't get us out of here, you have no idea what's going on...

572. It's not my fault you don't know how to fight back.

573. Horace, go, go, go.

574. - Okay. - Wait a sec.

575. - God. - Honey.

576. - Sylvie. - Hi, Aunt Abby.

577. God, here, please, Sylvia, take your brother out to the car right now.

578. - What? - Where are we going?

579. - This better be for real, Mom. - Take your brother out.

580. Shut up, Sylvie.

581. - Go, go. - Okay.

582. - Oh, my God. - What about Pete?

583. - My bag, my bag. - No, no, no...

584. - No, Mom, forget your stuff, just come. - Mary Ann, Mary Ann, just come now.

585. No, wait, I'll be right there, I'll be one second.

586. - Okay, hurry up! - What about Pete?

587. - Go on, kids. - Where are we going?

588. - What about Pete? - Shh, shh.

589. Hey, Mom.

590. Pete. what the hell are you doing?

591. I just have to get these filled up.

592. It's important.

593. You're gonna wake up your father.

594. I'll explain it to him, it's important.

595. He'll understand.

596. Pete, what the hell?

597. I told you, Mom, this is important.

598. Dad will understand, I'll explain it later.

599. Dad, listen.

600. I have to get all these glasses filled up before the sun rises.

601. It's really important.

602. No, Dad...

603. No!

604. Please, Dad! Stop!

605. Dad!

606. Please, stop!

607. Stop! Please!

608. Please! Dad!

609. Stop! Stop!

610. Dad, please!

611. Stop! Dad!

612. Stop!

613. Please, Dad!

614. Dad! Stop!

615. Please! Stop!

616. Please!

617. Please!

618. Dad! Stop!

619. Dad! Please! Dad! Stop!

620. Dad!

621. Please! Dad!

622. Please! Don't!

623. Found the box of Easter stuff.

624. Some of it is really fucking old.

625. And gross.

626. Anyway, you want to start decorating?

627. No.

628. Well, don't leave it for tomorrow. It's gonna be a clusterfuck.

629. - What are you doing? - Uhh, cutting limes.

630. - What for? - For fucking gin and tonics.

631. I'm not asking anymore, I'm just doing, it's fucking stupid.

632. You don't have to use them.

633. We're gonna have limes and lemons and olives like every bar

634. on the face of the earth.

635. Okay.

636. Hey, you know what? I figured out Trump.

637. - Yeah? - Yeah.

638. He's the neediest guy in the world.

639. Like, he's really needy and he really needs this to be president

640. more than anything, and we're

641. all gonna vote for him, 'cause we're a generous country

642. and we help people that are in need.

643. Maybe he just wants to give back.

644. You ever think of that, you cynical chimp?

645. No, he can't do that. He cannot give back.

646. That's gonna make his hole way deeper.

647. You understand that?

648. Google "Trump charity," okay?

649. All that's gonna come up is, you know,

650. some teenager blowing a black guy, which is what

651. everything connects to, but Trump has a president hole, get it?

652. Nothing short of the presidency is gonna fill that hole,

653. and he's gonna get it like he got that ten billion,

654. 'cause when he got the ten billion, it didn't fill his hole.

655. He went, oh, my God, there's still more hole and my...

656. my many Russian war brides aren't filling it,

657. and you know, saying hi to my doorman is not filling it

658. and my stupid show, I get to tell Penn Gillette what to do, that didn't fill it.

659. I need to be the leader of the free world and everyone has to love me,

660. like he knows what his hole is and he's going for it, you see?

661. And America, 'cause we're good, we're gonna help him.

662. Okay.

663. Okay, so we're all gonna vote for Trump because he's hurting, he's in pain?

664. We're actually gonna let him be our president to be nice,

665. or kind or something?

666. Yeah, yeah. Like Batboy.

667. Remember Batboy?

668. We're all in on it.

669. What was Batboy?

670. The kid with cancer and he wanted to be Batman,

671. so the whole city was like, you're Batman!

672. I had this friend and she's ten years old.

673. You know, she's...

674. She's my neighbor.

675. I mean, it's okay if I have a ten-year-old friend, right?

676. Yeah, you can have one.

677. Anyway, I talk to her the other day and she said that she had

678. a stomachache and so she...

679. she said to me, Big Boy...

680. Well, that's what she calls me, she calls me "Big Boy."

681. She said, um, my stomach hurts so bad, I wanna...

682. I wanna pound my stomach, 'cause it... 'cause it hurts.

683. And I said, well, that's not how it works, Esmeralda.

684. If your stomach hurts and you hurt it more, then you hurt more.

685. I said, you have to, you know,

686. find the place in you where it hurts

687. and be kind to it, be good to it,

688. give it milk and honey and medicine

689. and it'll heal and you and it will be okay and...

690. Then I thought, if someone's part of you, how do you stop them from hurting you?

691. And it's...

692. It's by being good to them

693. and being caring to them and giving them milk and honey,

694. you know, and you need to take care of people to hurt you.

695. Yeah, we're all connected.

696. That hippie shit is true.

697. That's not just Trump, that's our Trump, do you understand?

698. And he's in pain, and he's swollen, and we gotta get some ice on him quick

699. and get him in the White House.

700. Can't we just tell him he's the president?

701. You know, can't we just pretend, so he'll be okay?

702. - Like Batboy. - Yeah, like Batboy.

703. Can we Batboy him?

704. Ugh.

705. Who cares?

706. Whatever. I don't vote, I think it's annoying.

707. Sylvie.

708. Hey.

709. Hey, Ricky.

710. Hi, Ricky.

711. Hey, any news?

712. Uh, look, guys.

713. I've had everybody in the department looking for Pete.

714. You know, I mean, I've got someone in every precinct.

715. We put out a silver alert, even though he's not old enough,

716. we got his picture everywhere.

717. That's great.

718. Been checking even tri-state departments.

719. - Wow. - Friends up in New Jersey state.

720. I mean, we've looked everywhere, guys.

721. Nothing.

722. Nothing's turning up.

723. He ain't been to see Trisha.

724. Nothing.

725. Not a lead, or a story about someone seeing him.

726. Nothing.

727. I mean, I'm sorry, but we're striking out.

728. Well, thank you. Thanks for all that.

729. - That's... - Yeah.

730. Thank... Thank everybody, please.

731. - Yeah, just let us know. - Just let us... Yeah.

732. - Yeah. - If you get some more info.

733. - If there's an update. - Yeah.

734. Um...

735. Guys.

736. Look, this is the hard part.

737. Pete's gone.

738. Yeah, I know.

739. No, I mean, like, when someone is missing...

740. Hey, we've had more manpower on this than we've ever had

741. looking for someone.

742. I mean, I've got the fire department involved in looking for him

743. and I hate firemen.

744. - No. - No, it means a lot.

745. - Yeah. - Ricky, thank you.

746. No.

747. What I'm trying to say is...

748. You know, someone in Pete's condition?

749. He didn't go anywhere.

750. He couldn't have gone anywhere.

751. He's gone.

752. He's in the river or something.

753. And it's hard when a body doesn't...

754. Doesn't turn up.

755. Look, this isn't the first time I've had to have this talk, but...

756. when it's people you know, it's hard.

757. What are you trying to say, Ricky?

758. Horace, he's gone.

759. Pete's gone.

760. He's dead.

761. We gotta call it now.

762. We gotta call him dead.

763. I'm sorry.

764. That's what this is.

765. Huh.

766. I'm sorry, guys.

767. Yeah, give up, Ricky. That's fine.

768. Thanks a lot, man.

769. Thanks for trying.

770. Ricky, let's go.

771. - Sorry for your loss. - Thanks a lot.

772. - Thank you. - Ricky, thank you.

773. - Thanks a lot. - Okay, Sylvia.

774. You know...

775. Pete, he...

776. I know, I know, we knew.

777. Thank you.

778. Some of this stuff is from the '60s.

779. It's kinda cute, though.

780. Oh, I found the famous...

781. Horace & Pete's ham recipe, so, you know, I'm gonna...

782. I'll try to make that. We're not-

783. We're not doing Easter.

784. - We're not? - No.

785. Uh, well, it's tomorrow.

786. All right, um, Horace?

787. Listen.

788. It's been a month.

789. I didn't need Ricky to tell me what we already know.

790. He's gone. So... So what are you gonna do?

791. What are you talking about? What the fuck... What are you...

792. Why are you saying this to... What are you saying to me right now?

793. Why are you saying this? Horace, because,

794. right now is right now.

795. Pete is gone.

796. Are you gonna do Easter?

797. What are you gonna do?

798. What are you gonna do?

799. I'm not doing Easter. I'm not doing any of that.

800. None of that makes sense without Pete here.

801. Okay, so, then close this place down.

802. Go do something else.

803. I can't do that.

804. Why not?

805. Because he's gonna come back, 'cause he might come back.

806. He's... Horace, he is not coming back. Horace.

807. Pete is dead, Horace.

808. Fuck it. You know, Horace, it's time.

809. It's time for you to claim a fucking life.

810. You sat out the first half, now it's time of you to make something

811. of whatever time you fucking have left.

812. I didn't sit out my life.

813. No, no, you most certainly did.

814. You and fucking Pete, both you guys.

815. You guys together, like, you were half a guy each.

816. Together, you didn't didn't even add up to a whole.

817. Now, he is gone.

818. You have a chance to be a person.

819. To live a fucking life, I don't care, Horace, I'm saying all of it.

820. What are you going to do?

821. What are you going to do?

822. I don't know.

823. I don't know, I'm sorry.

824. Okay, well, there's something you need to know, brother.

825. I'm leaving.

826. - You are? - Yes, I'm going.

827. I'm getting the fuck out of here.

828. You can do what you want,

829. but Harold and I are leaving town on Monday and that's it.

830. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Where?

831. Where... I don't know where.

832. See the country or whatever, just... Just not here, though.

833. - You're telling me that now? - Yes, now.

834. Yes, now, Horace.

835. This is all you fucking have is right now. Do you understand?

836. I almost died and I got my fucking life back,

837. and I'm not spending it here, there's no fucking way.

838. I hope you don't either, Horace.

839. And I will miss you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you rot.

840. Oh, Pete...

841. - Pete. - Horace?

842. You can call him all you want.

843. He doesn't hear you, Horace.

844. Horace.

845. You know, fuck Easter, then, I mean, like, you know, fuck that anyway.

846. I am leaving on Monday.

847. Do something.

848. Please.

849. Don't make me think about you sitting there like...

850. Like that.

851. Hey.

852. Hi. I'm Mara.

853. I'm here for the interview. Sorry?

854. Oh, you sound like the guy I talked to on the phone.

855. Are you Horace?

856. - Yeah. - Oh, hey.

857. How you doing?

858. Gosh, it's so dark in here.

859. So, I'm here for the job interview. Oh.

860. Today.

861. We're looking for a bartender.

862. Yes. I'm the person, right here.

863. Look. Goodbye, gone.

864. When do I start?

865. Let's go.

866. Listen, this isn't a great time for me right now.

867. - Oh. - I'm sorry, I apologize.

868. Oh, I'm sorry, just give me ten minutes, though.

869. Just give me ten minutes and then you won't have to see me again

870. 'til tomorrow, at work.

871. Horace. You want an interview now?

872. Yes, please.

873. I mean, that's what you said and I'm in a hurry.

874. I have popsicles in the car.

875. Popsicles melt.

876. And then it's juice.

877. Who likes juice, Horace?

878. Please?

879. - Sure, have a seat, would you? - Thank you.

880. Okay. Now, I know this job starts tomorrow,

881. but I'm gonna need next weekend off

882. because I'm gonna go to Chicago.

883. They're having a bit of a...

884. Like, a little party thing that I want to go to.

885. And I like going to parties. In Chicago?

886. Yeah, in Chicago.

887. The land of pizza, yes.

888. This is a nice place.

889. Do you have any termites? Everything's wood.

890. - Yeah. - Yeah.

891. Are you okay? I mean...

892. - Yeah, no, yeah. - Okay.

893. - All right. - So, have you...

894. - Um, yes? - ... bartended before?

895. I have, I've bartended a lot, actually.

896. The last, I was in Greece, I worked at a taverna for a while in Athens, Greece.

897. And then I did a little bit of bartending in Mykonos,

898. 'cause I was there, and I bartended in

899. Chicago at a little club, but I hated the manager.

900. I'm not gonna give you his reference. I hated his guts.

901. I actually took his keys and I threw them in the snow

902. 'cause I knew he wouldn't find them 'til the springtime.

903. I just couldn't stand that guy.

904. I mean, I know I shouldn't be telling you that,

905. 'cause here I am trying to get a job, but...

906. And then I've been everywhere but pretty much, like, North and South Dakota,

907. I've never been. But I love Black Hills Gold,

908. so I should go there one day, right?

909. Are you all right?

910. You look... I've had a tough day.

911. Oh. I'm sorry, let me just..

912. God, it's driving me crazy, your eyes are, like, soaking wet.

913. They're, like, soaking wet.

914. Do you have an allergy problem

915. - or something? - Um.

916. - Look, I'm gonna just go like this. - Okay.

917. - And you're just gonna breathe. - Okay.

918. - Isn't that good? - Yeah.

919. You know, sometimes, if you just press on the temple...

920. You have a headache, don't you? A little bit, yeah.

921. Look, 'cause, like, your whole face is full of strawberries.

922. You're sensitive, aren't you?

923. Redheads are sensitive. Yeah, I guess so.

924. When's your birthday?

925. - Are you a Virgo? - Yeah.

926. I knew it, I knew it, see.

927. I do just a little bit of palm reading and can do horoscopes, charts.

928. This woman taught me.

929. - Who taught you? - Yeah, she was a pill-popping,

930. you know, astrologer, but she taught me how to read charts.

931. It's fascinating, so I'm really good...

932. I'm really good with people.

933. I'm really great with strangers.

934. So where did you work besides Chicago and Greece?

935. Oh, gosh, I worked in Vancouver for a while at this place called

936. the Golfin' Dolphin, but they didn't

937. have alcohol, but I served drinks, but it was just, like, you know,

938. water mixed with, like, flavored juice.

939. I didn't work there long, but that was in Vancouver and that was a lot of fun.

940. And then I worked in Iowa for a while

941. and then Washington, D.C.

942. and then I worked in.

943. South Carolina, Charleston. Where are you from?

944. Are you... Originally, I'm from North Carolina.

945. Raleigh, the capital.

946. - You been there? - No.

947. Near Cherry Point.

948. It's like a military base.

949. I went there 'cause I wanted to save my money to get a Hobie Cat, a boat.

950. Do you ever go sailing or anything like that?

951. - No. - Do you know anything about...

952. Well, you're sensitive.

953. I bet you want to stay out of the sun, right?

954. You probably frizzle, you burn, you know?

955. Ha, look at that, you're smiling!

956. Look at that smile.

957. See, you use every muscle in your face when you smile.

958. You're all sad sack.

959. You know?

960. Can I get you a drink?

961. Maybe that'll cheer you up.

962. Then I can prove to you how good I'm gonna be at this job.

963. Listen, Mora, can I have your phone number?

964. Maybe I'll call you when... Oh! My phone number?

965. I mean, just so I can call you when we figure out what we're doing,

966. 'cause I'm not sure what we're doing.

967. Okay, I'm gonna give you a phone number.

968. I don't really have a phone, but I know this guy...

969. It's a long story.

970. It's this guy I dated for a long time,

971. he was actually an alcoholic and gay and he came to my

972. house and he drank all the sangria

973. and then I had this watermelon and he picked it up and he threw it on the floor

974. and then he wet my bed.

975. I dated him for two years, it took me five to get over him,

976. but I'm gonna give you his number. He'll call you.

977. Ugh, he was a Sagittarius.

978. You know, they say if you look at something green

979. for ten minutes every day, it's supposed to cheer you up.

980. I didn't know that.

981. Why don't you come to Chicago with me?

982. I'm not gonna be there long.

983. I don't even know you. That's weird, isn't it?

984. - Right? - Sure.

985. Okay. Oh! You have a jukebox.

986. There's your fun over there.

987. - Yeah. - Do you have any money?

988. It's free, we just let you give...

989. Oh, free? Finally, something free, okay.

990. I'm gonna play a song and I'm gonna get out of your hair.

991. - Okay. - Okay.

992. Any song?

993. Whatever you want.

994. Okay. Here's one.

995. This one's for you.

996. Redhead.

997. Perfect. All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

998. - Okay. - Okay.

999. - Bye! - It's nice to meet you.

1000. See you around like a doughnut.

1001. Okay.

1002. I think I know what I'm gonna do.

1003. Pete!

1004. Pete!

1005. - Hi, Pete. - Pete.

1006. Pete.

1007. - Hi, Pete. - You all right?

1008. Hi.

1009. You're okay, it's okay.

1010. It's okay. It's okay.

1011. It's okay.

1012. It's all right.

1013. Horace, wait. Horace, wait a second.

1014. - Pete, Pete, Pete. - Pete, honey...

1015. Pete, Pete, Pete. Pete, honey.

1016. Pete. Pete. Horace, wait, wait, wait-

1017. Wait, wait, Horace, Horace! - Pete, Pete...

1018. No!

1019. This place is, like, famous, right?

1020. Oh, yeah.

1021. What's the story with this place?

1022. This...

1023. This, my friend, is Horace & Pete's,

1024. the true heart of Brooklyn,

1025. owned for 100 years by two brothers,

1026. Horace and Pete.

1027. Until one day Pete killed Horace and had to go away.

1028. And that's what happened to Horace and Pete.

1029. I gotta move the van soon, I'm parked bad.

1030. Yeah.

1031. Okay.

1032. So that's it from upstairs?

1033. Yeah, that's it.

1034. What are you gonna do with all this stuff?

1035. Uh, I'm not gonna do anything.

1036. You're just gonna leave it?

1037. What's gonna happen to the place? I don't know.

1038. And, uh, I don't care.

1039. Well, it's yours now, isn't it?

1040. No, it is not mine.

1041. And I am not its.

1042. Huh.

1043. You know, Sylvie, you could...

1044. Okay.

1045. Okay.

1046. Harold.

1047. We're walking out of this place and that is it for me and Horace & Pete's.

1048. Okay?

1049. Okay, all I'm saying is that you can take this and turn it into something new.

1050. Sylvia's place.

1051. Get rid of all these old ghosts and make it your own.

1052. Harold, you said you would help me get the fuck out of here.

1053. Please, just do that.

1054. It's okay, honey.

1055. - Okay. - It is okay.

1056. We're going.

1057. I promise.

1058. I'm gonna go get this van parked right.

1059. Okay.

1060. Thank you.

1061. We're gonna pack it up and get the hell out.

1062. - Hi, we're closed. - Yeah. Um, hi.

1063. Hi.

1064. Are... Are you Sylvia?

1065. Yes.

1066. You're my aunt, Sylvia.

1067. Holy shit.

1068. You're Horace?

1069. Yeah.

1070. Whew.

1071. Wow, there you are.

1072. Horace the fucking ninth.

1073. Gosh, no, nothing.

1074. Nothing.

1075. Wow.

1076. Guess it's kinda weird that we've never met.

1077. Yeah, it's kinda weird, isn't it?

1078. Well, I...

1079. I never knew my dad.

1080. Well, no, you didn't,

1081. but you could have, 'cause he was here every day, so...

1082. So...

1083. What... What was he like?

1084. What was he like?

1085. Uh...

1086. You know, he was nothing, really.

1087. He was no kind of man.

1088. He was not, uh...

1089. particularly funny or smart or kind or...

1090. You know, he was just...

1091. He was just some guy.

1092. But he was your father.

1093. Yeah.

1094. I'm sorry.

1095. Excuse me.

1096. Excuse me for a sec.

1097. Excuse me for a second, I'm sorry.

1098. Oh, my God...

1099. That's a wrap on "Horace & Pete," everybody!

1100. Yeah!

1101. Woo, woo!

1102. Shortest day of work ever!

1103. Thank you all.

1104. Bravo!