Homicide: Life on the Street 1x8

1. You came across the body this morning?

2. I thought, my God, what is this?

3. It didn't look real to me for a moment.

4. It looked like a mannequin.

5. It didn't register right away that

6. I was looking at a dead person. A man.

7. What time was this?

8. Uh, about six o' clock.

9. I got up early to check on my perennials.

10. I covered them last night with plastic sheets.

11. There was a threat of frost in the forecast for overnight.

12. What time this morning? Six o'clock?

13. Yeah. I just said that, didn't I?

14. Yeah, you did.

15. I just wanna make sure you have it.

16. Don't worry. If she doesn't I do.

17. And you don't know the victim?

18. No.

19. Howard, are you okay?

20. Yeah, I'm fine.

21. You sure? You just got real pale all of a sudden.

22. Sure did.

23. Could ya just go on with what you were saying?

24. I use plastic to cover my rose bushes and crysamethmums.

25. Now I've been trying to conserve; everyone here in Union Square is recycling.

26. But the plastic keeps the, the air from freezing around the plants;

27. keeps them moist. I wouldn't have used plastic otherwise.

28. Call yourself an environmentalist, huh?

29. Cigarette hangin' outta your mouth?

30. You know how many toxins are in those cigarettes?

31. C'mon! Suck it in!

32. Four thousand chemicals in every puff and over forty of 'em cause cancer.

33. You have twice the chances of hittin' the heart attack lottery

34. of somebody who doesn't smoke.

35. And twenty times more chance of gettin'

36. I never said I was an environmentalist!

37. —lung cancer

38. You have empysema. Chonic bronchitis?

39. Come on!

40. Cancer of the mouth, of the throat, of the lungs,

41. of the stomach!

42. Cataracts, uh

43. loss of vision, sinus infection

44. Oh my God, you quit smoking.

45. You committed this madness without consulting me first?

46. Are you nuts?

47. No no no, you're selfish.

48. You ex-smokers're more relentless than AA or,

49. or the moonies or those born-again vegetarians!

50. Well, tell you what

51. I'm not gonna let you bully me about this.

52. I don't wanna hear about

53. how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's

54. or how you, you're free of mucus and phlegm.

55. It's all a bunch of crap.

56. It's all a bunch of nonsense.

57. I don't want you counting the number of days

58. you go without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back.

59. You're puttin' my life on the line!

60. I'll put in for hazard pay.

61. No — you know what?

62. I'm gonna put in for another partner.

63. Beau.

64. Beau! Would ya

65. We're not finished here!

66. Oh, damn.

67. Alright, whatta we got?

68. The Homicide Team présente

69. 1x08 Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

70. Synchro : keumar

71. It's a suicide, Munch

72. Could be a murder staged to look like a suicide.

73. You've been doin' this for too long.

74. Hey, this is a pretty elaborate setup.

75. I mean,

76. look at these knots and the way this is rigged and everything.

77. And she's not a big person.

78. How'd she get that high?

79. She was on a horse.

80. Died with her boots on.

81. Yippie ki yay yi oh.

82. Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Frank.

83. We found 'em coupla blocks away.

84. Speeding?

85. Be right back, ok?

86. Was this country and western music on when you got here?

87. Uh,y es sir.

88. This is what killed her you know.

89. The country and western music.

90. I don't follow.

91. You don't follow?

92. Listening to songs like "I'd be Better Off in a Pine Box"?

93. Well, I like country and western.

94. Sorry to hear that.

95. Whatta you get when you play a country and western song backwards?

96. What?

97. You get your wife back, your job back, and your dog back.

98. That was the lieutenant.

99. He said since this is a suicide that we have here

100. and the squad is shorthanded

101. he wants us to hop over and investigate a suspicious death.

102. Where?

103. Harbor Hospital.

104. That's not a suspicious death, that's malpractice.

105. See ya Frank.

106. Take care Roy Rogers.

107. Yeah.

108. How you doin'?

109. All right.

110. Alright.

111. Who did you see last night at Union Square?

112. Can I help you?

113. Nope. But thanks.

114. Who are you?

115. Don Falls. Public Works Inspector.

116. I'm taking air quality measurements.

117. Says who?

118. Says the city.

119. City Council passed the air quality ordinance three years ago.

120. Every public access building in the city gotta be tested.

121. Three years ago, you're now just getting around to it.

122. Work order falls in my box yesterday,

123. I come in today.

124. That's all I know for the paycheck I get.

125. This is a what?

126. It's a fibrous aerosol monitor.

127. This'll tell me how much dust and fibers in the air?

128. Yeah. Continuous reading.

129. Is this good?

130. Yeah. It's reading less than seventy.

131. Any reading less than seventy particles per square millimeter

132. is okay by EPA standards.

133. So it's safe to drink my coffee.

134. Yeah.

135. This building? It's not so bad.

136. Cause it's so old.

137. It's the newer buildings.

138. The ones built between the 60's and 70's.

139. Whew.

140. They wrapped up those buildings tighter than a rubber ball.

141. Those are your hot potatoes. Your gas chambers.

142. But we're safe here.

143. Safe? Oh, yeah. More than safe.

144. And you won't bother my detectives anymore?

145. Me? Oh. I'm gone. I'm history.

146. You know this probably doesn't say much for me,

147. but you're about the closest thing I got to a best friend.

148. And so without further ado, I want you to see my baby.

149. Your baby?

150. My baby.

151. Aw, Meldrick. She's a beauty.

152. I think it looks like an angel.

153. Not just an angel, Crosetti.

154. It's a high-riser.

155. 427 overhead Cam V-8 with dual *holly cards*.

156. Six hundred horses of power in this baby.

157. She flies like the Wicked Witch of the West!

158. I'm gonna have to move to Nevada.

159. Oh lemme see lemme see.

160. Where are the doors and the tires? And the—

161. Aw, you know, see?

162. This is the petty minor details.

163. What you have in your hand

164. is the heart and the soul of the Cobra that I am building.

165. Let me tell ya that doesn't play with me.

166. See, when ya buy a house, ya don't buy pile of dirt with a toilet on it.

167. You buy four walls which constitutes a dwelling.

168. You, if you look very closely, have squat here.

169. So you're makin' fun of me, and I appreciate that.

170. But what I have there is the foundation of a classic sports car.

171. What you have on your tie, is ink.

172. Homicide, Detective Goodwrench.

173. Ink on my t—oh that's what this was — tie.

174. What's the matter with you?

175. I'm okay.

176. Forgot my damn lighter.

177. Gimme the light.

178. I don't, I don't got one.

179. You sure? Maybe you do.

180. I don't.

181. Well how do you know?

182. Why don't you check your jacket pocket?

183. I don't have one cause I don't smoke anymore, Frank.

184. I know. But I just thought maybe you had had a match from—

185. I can't have lighters or matches or anything on me.

186. I can't have spicy foods, I can't drink beer for a while.

187. I can't have ashtrays in my house.

188. Okay. I just thought maybe, you, you had one from before.

189. I have the patch on.

190. Yeah. One of those nicotine reduction systems.

191. You know, it's gonna wean me off the addiction.

192. I'm on my second set.

193. You know I was comin off of, what was it?

194. You know like, uh, was it three packs of these disgusting things,

195. you know, every day, huh?

196. Pfft. I feel better.

197. That's good.

198. You know, and and and and I, and I sleep better Frank.

199. The things that I eat, the foods that I eat?

200. You know I, I gotta stay away from the spicy foods and all that,

201. but but but vegtables, Frank.

202. Vegtables, you know, they just never tasted so sweet.

203. I'm gonna get a light in the car.

204. No no no no.

205. You stay right here Frank.

206. You sat in the smoking section, you get yourself a light.

207. You got those rights.

208. Can we have matches please?

209. Look. No. don't worry about it, Tim.

210. No Frank. Just sit down, alright?

211. Smoke your cigarette right here, alright?

212. It doesn't bother me Frank.

213. Please, just sit down.

214. Tim? Tim? Does this bother you?

215. No.

216. Yeah. I didn't know, I didn't know.

217. That's not the point.

218. I thought the patch took away the urge.

219. It does, alright, and there's no problem, Frank.

220. Look it. Aha. Matches.

221. Oh, well.

222. Yeah.

223. Oh, great, great great...

224. Now I don't have the urge anymore.

225. Yeah, you do.

226. I don't want the cigarette anymore.

227. Nah, nah, you do. You just —

228. No, no, I don't.

229. Just light the match, light the match,

230. light the cigarette, alright?

231. I, I can't light the match because it'll just bring back a very negative uh,

232. you know, kind of a negative...

233. And, and then you want me to the cigarette?

234. Uh, yes. Please. Light the cigarette.

235. Even thought I don't want it?

236. Light the match oh for God's sake, please.

237. Just light it. Yes?

238. So this is really you lighting the cigarette,

239. and somehow you're sublimating it through me.

240. You're nobody's fool, Frank.

241. Great. Tops off a meal, doesn't it?

242. You're one sick puppy, you know that?

243. Why are cops such big country and western fans?

244. Bobbie Sue this, Billy Ray that.

245. Two-minute stories about how much a dog knows about life.

246. Morality talkes.

247. Slices of life.

248. If dogs knew so much about life, they sure as hell wouldn't hang around with humans.

249. So what kind of music do you like?

250. I don't know.

251. You don't know?

252. How could you not know what kind of music you like?

253. Elvis. I like Elvis.

254. Elvis. Elvis Presley? The King?

255. Yes, Munch.

256. The King?

257. Has left the planet.

258. The man was a god.

259. The man was a junkie.

260. They put him on a postage stamp.

261. Hey, they'd put Ted Bundy on a postage stamp if they thought it would sell.

262. Patient's name is Howell.

263. Percy Howell.

264. Fourteen years old.

265. Died an hour ago of a cerebral hemmorage.

266. What makes you think it was a murder?

267. The hemmorage is a result of severe trauma to the skull.

268. By a blunt object.

269. Mugging?

270. Probably.

271. Can we talk to the paramedics who brought him in?

272. Ambo didn't bring him in.

273. According to the admitting clerk, he just suddenly appeared on the waiting room couch.

274. You mean he walked in under his own steam with a cerebral hemmorage?

275. It's possible.

276. According to the scan, he sustained the blows to the head a few days ago.

277. Ugh. Not another teenager.

278. Don't old people die around here anymore?

279. Why would someone get whacked on the noggin and then wait days for treatment?

280. Mr. Howell, we're very sorry about your loss.

281. God's will be done.

282. Was Percy mugged recently?

283. I don't know.

284. Well, how do you explain the way he came home a few days ago an' he was all beat up?

285. He didn't.

286. And you didn't ask?

287. In this neighborhood, people get attacked every day.

288. That may be true, but we're talking about your son.

289. Did he, uh, complain? About anything? Pain?

290. He said he had a headache.

291. I gave him Bufferin.

292. When's the last time you saw your son?

293. Last night.

294. He went out with one of his friends.

295. What's his friend's name?

296. I don't know.

297. He didn't introduce me.

298. Are you a Jew?

299. I'm Jewish, yes.

300. I can always tell.

301. Let me get that coffee.

302. I don't think it was a mugging.

303. I wonder if it was child abuse.

304. Father.

305. What a cold fish, huh?

306. I mean, he had no feelings.

307. Just, just nothing about his son.

308. I've never been a father, but h- how can you have no feelings about your kid?

309. You regret never being a daddy?

310. I regret everything.

311. What's happening with you and Dr. Blythe?

312. I I I just... I haven't called her lately.

313. Well, you've been preoccupied.

314. Yeah, uh huh.

315. Went over last night to pick up the last of my things from the old house,

316. cause my wife is moving to California.

317. She wants to be somewhere where it's always sunny.

318. She says to me, you ruined my life.

319. Like I did it on purpose, right?

320. Like, you know, I had a plan when we first met,

321. on that first date to ruin her life.

322. So. Um, I'll call District,

323. see if uh, Hal Senior has any priors on child abuse.

324. Good. Let's do it.

325. Let's get this one fast.

326. Lookin' good, Gee.

327. I'd give everything to have a child that size again.

328. Hey, you wanna make a baby, you gotta get you a new wife, man.

329. It's like ridin' a bike.

330. I had a wife.

331. Yeah well you know you can always get another one, huh?

332. Jim *Sinter* and I would watch the same football games every weekend.

333. We'd read the same newspapers.

334. We'd buy our clothes and ties from the same store at the same clearance sales.

335. Every day when the shift changes we'd pass each other,

336. we'd talk about open cases, being understaffed, our ulcers, sports, whatever.

337. Twelve hours later, we'd repeat the dance.

338. Huh. Uh huh.

339. Every day of those twelve years Jim Sinter was there.

340. I guess I thought he always would be.

341. You know, well, it's... you know, it's...

342. I don't like change.

343. So what is it? Sex, or money?

344. What?

345. Somethin' powerful to influence you to give up smoking.

346. Either you made a bet with somebody,

347. or you're sharing your party favors with a very significant other.

348. Sex and money are the only two things in this world more potent than tobacco.

349. What are you talkin' about?

350. I hear rumors.

351. Rumors about you and Assistant States Attorney Ed Danvers.

352. So what kind of bet you got goin' with him?

353. I don't have any bet goin' with him.

354. Oh! So you went out to dinner and then back to your place,

355. and after a night of hot steamy, sweaty bone rattling,

356. you lay back and light a cigarette.

357. And he gets on your case about the smoking, right?

358. C'mon, it's about love. Right?

359. Shows, huh?

360. Yeah.

361. I feel tawdry just thinkin' about it.

362. I must be crazy. Certifiable.

363. I should go see the Department shrink about it.

364. What?

365. Ed Danvers is an alpha male.

366. He's a stallion among ponies, huh?

367. He's a man larger than life itself.

368. Large. You mean large as in, uh...

369. Hm hm.

370. Huh.

371. Why else would you think I'd quit a two pack a day habit?

372. Whoa whoa whoa. You—

373. We're talkin' about Ed Danvers, right?

374. The midget dweeb?

375. Huh.

376. C'mon, cut it out.

377. Naw, he drives me insane.

378. Makes me see stars.

379. I walk around feelin' all this sweet pain.

380. I shouldn't be hearin' this.

381. How d'ya you talk about somethin' like this, ya know?

382. And he's constant.

383. How— Howard.

384. I mean anywhere.

385. All day, all night.

386. In the park, in the car, in the movie theater.

387. I've had to set some ground rules.

388. He can't touch me in restaurants or in a church.

389. Howard, Howard, I think you're goin' too far.

390. Frank.

391. Frank.

392. I was only kidding.

393. I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed Danvers.

394. I gave 'em up for me.

395. You were kiddin'?

396. Yes.

397. About everything. About... Uh...

398. Yes.

399. Yeah. Hm.

400. No.

401. Aw, come on Howard.

402. Hey, see?

403. I guess you'll never know.

404. Do you know where those Polaroids are?

405. This girl wants to talk to someone about the Howell case.

406. Why don't you sit down, honey?

407. I'm gonna get some coffee.

408. Yeah.

409. Go ahead, it's alright.

410. You can sit down.

411. Pretty sweater you got on.

412. My name is Stanley. What's your name?

413. Anna Prager.

414. Anna Prager. Beautiful name.

415. No it's not.

416. It's pretty terrible what happened to Percy, huh?

417. Did you come to tell me something about Percy?

418. I was up in my room, and I couldn't sleep.

419. Now this was the night that, that Percy was hurt?

420. Yeah.

421. You know what time it was?

422. I was supposed to be asleep and then I heard yelling.

423. I went to the window and saw Percy with another boy.

424. Do you know the other boy's name?

425. No.

426. Have you, uh, seen that other boy around before?

427. Yeah. A lot.

428. I seen him with Percy all the time.

429. He has a car.

430. What kind of car?

431. Red.

432. Th-this other boy.

433. Um, did you see his face?

434. S-sorta.

435. He had on a hat you know, one of those ones with the funny snap in the front?

436. Funny snap in the front?

437. Yeah. One of those ones from the old man golfers?

438. Uh, ay. Look.

439. Look at that.

440. Is, is that the guy in the hat we're talkin' about?

441. Yeah, but it wasn't snapped.

442. Now, sweetie, I'm a real old man golfer myself.

443. Wasn't snapped, huh?

444. You know what, Anna?

445. We're gonna go to another room, and we're gonna look at some pictures of boys,

446. and we're gonna see if we can find the one who was with Percy that night.

447. I, I wasn't supposed to say anything.

448. I know what could happen if that boy came back.

449. I see red cars all around my house.

450. He must be coming around.

451. But you came because Percy was your friend.

452. Yeah. I never told him, but I was hoping he'd be my boyfriend.

453. I understand.

454. Let's go look at those pictures. C'mon.

455. Hey, Gee.

456. What's new on the Union Square murder?

457. Had a witness in here yesterday.

458. Now all I gotta do is find the killer and hope the witness can i.d. 'em.

459. Well, keep me posted.

460. The mayor hates the idea that someone got whacked in Union Square — it scares the tourists.

461. Wouldn't want that.

462. Hey Gee.

463. Tim.

464. You look contemplative Gee.

465. Everything's empty.

466. Tim.

467. You took the last coke, Tim.

468. I didn't.

469. Really.

470. But if you want me to, I'll, I'll run up to the third floor and get you somethin'.

471. What, whaddya need?

472. You need a Coke?

473. It's okay.

474. No, it's all right. I'll make the run up there.

475. Just give me some money. You're hung over, you wouldn't — I'll go.

476. No.

477. Well c'mon, Gee.

478. I'm willing to run up to the third floor for you and only you.

479. No. Then I'd be beholden to you. I'd owe you.

480. You make it sound like you're playing chess with death.

481. Maybe I am.

482. What the hell is goin' on here?

483. I know you're upset, Al.

484. I'd be upset too.

485. I didn't know you hadn't been informed of this asbestos removal.

486. Yeah, right.

487. It wasn't seeping into the air.

488. The insulation and fireproofing is still intact.

489. No money is being spared in the budget on this removal.

490. This cleanup is in strict adherence to Federal guidelines and procedures.

491. This is a safe procedure.

492. This building would be safe if you didn't remove the asbestos.

493. I'm gonna make a phone call.

494. What?

495. I'm gonna make a couple of calls.

496. Who are you calling?

497. We have the makings of a great story here, don't we?

498. I mean, I have asbestos flying around here and no one tells the rank and file?

499. The men and women who put their lives on the line every day working out of this homicide unit?

500. There are no asbestos fibers flying around in the air!

501. Let's see what the Baltimore Sun, radio, and local television stations do with this story!

502. It's a non-story, Al.

503. Oh it is, huh? Is that why the two of you are down here?

504. To tell me this *shift will turn*? How non a non-related story this is?

505. What do you want?

506. What, I want something?

507. Oh, come on Giardello, you're cute and all, but not that cute.

508. Oh, I'm a heartbreaker! You can't bet against that!

509. Tell me what you want.

510. What do I want? What do you want? What should you want?

511. If you didn't want something, youda made your phone calls a long time ago.

512. Alright.

513. I want my people to have chest x-rays and physicals paid for by the city.

514. Done.

515. I want the information about the asbestos removal going on given to them.

516. I want them to be able to make the choice of whether or not they should come into this building while this asbestos removal is going on.

517. Done.

518. I want there to be a follow-up every year about this, paid for by the city, for every single detective in this department.

519. Done.

520. None of the work should proceed until this health issue is resolved.

521. Hey, I'm on a tight schedule.

522. I can't afford any delays.

523. If I hear one air compressor going off,

524. if I see anyone walking up to that top floor,

525. then I will post six of my biggest detectives in front of that exit and seal *the building* off until next spring.

526. You're a commanding officer.

527. You can't take this personally.

528. That's what they tell someone in prison just before they punk 'em.

529. Are you tryin' to punk me here?

530. I didn't say that, Al.

531. I wouldn't say that to you.

532. You already got us on this one, Giardello!

533. What? You want an ounce of blood out of us? Huh?

534. You want some sort of revenge? Would that satisfy you?

535. An ounce of your blood to satisfy me?

536. My Sicilian ancestors believed that revenge is best served cold.

537. I want you to pray with all your heart, my friend,

538. that if any one of my detectives comes down with asbestos sickness, if any one of those detectives even has a funny cough,

539. then I want you to remember the Sicilian's blood oath: *Te setero*, my friend.

540. I will bury you.

541. Ah, the glamour boys are here.

542. Oh, man.

543. Hey DeSilva, you thinkin' about movin' in?

544. Forget about it, you'll ruin the neighborhood.

545. Well, we ran out of room next door.

546. I don't expect you to be the welcome wagon lady, but uh,

547. we just made the biggest drug bust in Baltimore history.

548. Uh oh. Get out the body bags, have the M.E. stand by.

549. Why?

550. Well, because, you know, these narcs.

551. They make a seizure, they get a few headlines, next day we gotta clean up three, four bodies — dealers, middlemen, innocent bystanders.

552. And that's my fault.

553. It's the law's fault.

554. Hey Russ, what's up? What's goin' on?

555. It's the biggest bust in history.

556. You know what that means.

557. I'm not bitter. I can use the overtime.

558. But just this week.

559. Alright.

560. You know, marijuana's only illegal because of William Randolph Hearst.

561. Hearst. You mean the Citizen Kane Hearst?

562. Yes. And the DuPonts.

563. Marijuana's the flowering tops of the hemp plant.

564. The hemp plant also produces a very high quality fiber. Better than wood fiber.

565. Hm. Oh.

566. The Hearsts' also owned tremendous timber acreage.

567. They would've lost a fortune.

568. And the DuPonts', they wanted to introduce a newsynthetic to the world. Nylon.

569. Ah...

570. To take the place of hemp rope.

571. I see. So then they, uh they outlawed the hemp.

572. Until World War Two.

573. And then the Japanese invaded the Phillipines, took over the hemp plantations, and there was a shortage of rope during the war,

574. so the government had all the American farmers grow hemp.

575. Matter of fact, they made a little film, Hemp for Victory.

576. Hemp for Vi— I saw that film.

577. Yeah, well they showed it to all the 4-H clubs.

578. Well then Hearst, after the war, helps the government get hemp illegal again, which made marijuana illegal again.

579. That's a lotta *bull*.

580. Yeah, it's well put, but I've heard that Hearst theory before.

581. How d'ya explain the fact that marijuana is illegal in most other countries?

582. First of all, it's not a theory.

583. Second of all, Hearst had a very long arm. Hearst had a very far reach.

584. You really believe that?

585. I really believe that.

586. No wonder you guys can't solve a murder.

587. Well, I wouldn't solve yours.

588. Alright, so I'll be the primary. Cool?

589. Alright. Why?

590. I need the money.

591. Two hours here at the scene, three hours for the interrogation, three more hours for the paperwork, four hours for the autopsy.

592. That's twelve hours at time and a half.

593. You're a whore.

594. I'm a man buildin' a Cobra.

595. Can I make a call?

596. Who would you like to call?

597. My ride. I been here an hour.

598. Hm. Well, soon as we're through here, we'll get you a ride. Okay?

599. Evan? You own a red Camaro, don't you?

600. Yeah.

601. Do you know Percy Howell?

602. No.

603. We have a witness, Evan, who saw you with Percy Howell the night he was attacked.

604. Me? Nope.

605. We have a witness.

606. Sh— I don't care. I don't know the man.

607. Evan? When you say you don't know the man, do you mean that in the philosophical sense,

608. as in "no man really knows another man",

609. or are you refering to the Biblical sense in like, say, Lot knew his wife?

610. Man, what's he jaggin' on about?

611. Look, you're a lying bastard aren't you?

612. You think we're stupid? Huh?

613. Answer me! You think we're stupid?

614. I don't know. I don't know you.

615. You don't know me, you don't know him, you don't know Percy, do you know anybody?

616. Huh?

617. Huh? You're a lying liar, you know that?

618. You're just a liar! You make me sick!

619. You're charged!

620. Charged with what?

621. Charged with what?

622. With being a lying liar, okay?

623. You lying piece of detritus!

624. I didn't lie. What is detritus?

625. Detective Munch, I'm afraid that we're gonna have to subject Mr. Hess here with an electrolite neutron-magnetic scan test.

626. Uh, uh, a what?

627. Detective Bolander, I think that's an excellent idea.

628. A very good idea.

629. WE'RE GONNA NEUTRON THIS LITTLE BASTARD!

630. And I can't wait.

631. Let me get this clear in my mind.

632. What you want me to do is section off a non-smoking area for the two of you, right?

633. Not just for the two of us, for any non-smokers.

634. Uh huh. Where are all these non-smokers?

635. If you build it, they will come.

636. Is that right?

637. Where do you suggest I find a place to create, to build this non-nicotine Field of Dreams?

638. In the coffee room, would that suit you?

639. You'd give us the coffee room?

640. Sure.

641. I'd give you permission to post a notice.

642. You put up a sign to ban all cigarette smoking in the coffee room.

643. No, I think that the, uh, coffee room is sacred to the guys, Gee, you know?

644. You're not as dumb as you look, Bayliss.

645. Thanks, Gee.

646. Coffee and nicotine, mom and apple pie, hot dogs and mustard, sex and latex —

647. Somehow you mess with any of the combination of those, you're taking your life in your hands.

648. There's a statute from OSHA that mandates—

649. — that no smoking areas be designated in each and every public working place.

650. Oh, OSHA, huh?

651. Alright, there are federal statutes and state statutes and city statutes

652. mandating that people curb their dogs, play their stereos at a reasonable volume,

653. and respect the office of the Presidency.

654. But who cares about any of that? OSHA.

655. You refuse to enforce a federal law?

656. Yes, I do. I most certainly do.

657. Gee, sometimes being in command means issuing unpopular orders.

658. Are you calling me a coward?

659. No no no no no no, sir.

660. No. I'm not.

661. Sure you are.

662. Sure, in so many words, you're saying that I'm too scared to put a cigarette in this squadroom.

663. I watched Crosetti try to quit smoking.

664. Crosetti without smoking is an unnecessary terror.

665. You may be right, I may be a coward, but you may be right, and needlessly stupid and reckless at the same time.

666. Now get out of here, both of you.

667. Evan computes as a part of a loosely formed gang called the Zeps.

668. Think it was them that mugged Percy?

669. I don't know.

670. We see what we find out.

671. Alright, bring him in!

672. Mr. Hess, according to Federal regulation seven dash seven dash b dash point six,

673. I have to inform you that continued exposure to this machine, the electrolite neutron-magnetic test scanner,

674. can be lethal.

675. For your own health, I'm gonna urge you to answer these questions quickly and truthfully. Understand?

676. Th-that's only a copy machine.

677. Copy machine?

678. You know, a machine that makes copies.

679. Hey, Beau.

680. Ay, uh, Stanley, your ex-wife's on the phone.

681. Right. I'll get back to her.

682. You guys doin' the electrolyte neutron-magnetic test scan?

683. Yes.

684. Now, I've asked you guys, I don't even wanna be in the building when that thing's turned on, alright?

685. Alright Mr. Hess, take your right glove off and place your right hand in the designated area.

686. Let's go.

687. C'mon, I don't want to waste time with this thing.

688. Mr Hess, is your name Evan Hess?

689. Yes.

690. So far, so good.

691. Do you belong to a gang known as the Zeps?

692. Yes.

693. Very good.

694. Just keep tellin' the truth, Evan.

695. You ready?

696. I don't wanna be gamma-rayed, man!

697. Alright.

698. Do you know who killed Percy Howell?

699. Uh... Uh...

700. Come on.

701. No!

702. You can't fool it. It's the space age.

703. Do it again, and just keep doin' it till he tells the truth.

704. I hafta get outta here because I can't afford to lose any more of my sperm count.

705. Yo! Wh-wh-what?

706. I guess we didn't tell you.

707. There's an eleven percent chance of penile *stustification*.

708. Penile st-stust — oh, geez.

709. Okay. Okay, okay.

710. It was Colin, man.

711. Colin Dietz. The leader of the Zeps.

712. He hit Percy with a baseball bat.

713. Baseball bats.

714. Weapon of choice of the Nineties.

715. Cheap, legal and you can get 'em in any sporting goods store.

716. You know, I can remember when kids used to use baseball bats to hit baseballs with?

717. Am I gonna die?

718. Am I gonna die from these neutron rays?

719. Aw no, man.

720. You're not gonna die from neutron rays because, hm, smart guy,

721. this _is_ a copy machine. Come on!

722. That Union Square killing?

723. I just got the address of a bar our suspect frequents. Dean Foreman.

724. Great. Let's go.

725. Hey, Dean Foreman?

726. I got a warrant on that guy for one of my cases. The Lily murder.

727. Yeah.

728. Hey, uh, Howie, there's no way I'm ridin' with you if I can't smoke.

729. You're not smokin' in the car, Beau.

730. I'll ride with Kay. Okay?

731. Oh, salvation.

732. It's for you.

733. What? What you doin' man?

734. What's it, a diamond engagement ring, some kind of necklace or somethin'?

735. Hey hey hey!

736. That's a genuine Cobra rear view mirror, and look who is behind the wheel!

737. Where'd you get this?

738. I still got some connections, you know?

739. Ay. Wow. Man, what can I say?

740. Well, you could say... you could say you're gonna buy me a round at the Waterfront.

741. Yeah, I could say that.

742. You could, you could.

743. I could. You serious?

744. You're gonna buy me at least a, like, pack of cigarettes though no problem...

745. Well, I could say that I'm gonna buy you one.

746. I'm gonna bum one—for you from somebody else.

747. You're gonna buy me—

748. I'll bum you a cigarette, that's what I'd do.

749. You know, you are such a cheap bastard. I spent my money—

750. I'm cheap?

751. I spent my money on that thing!

752. Where did you get this? Where did you get it?

753. I'm not gonna tell you where I got the damn thing!

754. Okay, one beer.

755. One beer!

756. And, And..

757. And a shot.

758. And a shot.

759. A shot and a beer.

760. You get your own cigarettes.

761. And a pack of cigarettes! I want the cigarettes, too, you dirty, rotten, son of a—

762. It's impossible to be partners with someone who's trying to quit smoking.

763. It's the guilt trip they run, right?

764. I feel like I gotta post bond every time I want to take a cigarette out.

765. Every time I go to light one up, I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.

766. I quit once.

767. I'll quit again. Someday for good.

768. Me too.

769. I quit for three months once.

770. Eight months.

771. Eight months?

772. That's impressive. Eight months?

773. Well, not straight, no. Uh, over the years, I've quit smoking ten times for a total of eight months.

774. Hmm.

775. You bought a pack of cigarettes.

776. Yeah. But I threw 'em away as soon as I opened the pack.

777. Ayah, but you bought a pack of cigarettes. How'd it feel?

778. Great. And I said real calm, I said, "A Pack of Winstons, please."

779. Ohhh, Winstons! Good choice.

780. Yeah, so I paid for 'em, you know, and I walked out, my heart is just

781. pounding away, and, you know, my hands are all sweaty, and I, I opened the pack.

782. Oh, yeah! That little red band on the Winstons that

783. opens the cellophane.

784. Mm hm. Threw away the pack since I opened it though.

785. Ya see? That's willpower.

786. Absolutely. Then I, you know, I walked over and I picked 'em up again,

787. cause that package just felt so good in my hands, you know?

788. You know how a new pack of cigarettes, you know, how it,

789. how it just lies in the palm of the hand so lightly yet so solidly.

790. Huh, you say what you want about America,

791. but we still make a damn fine pack of cigarettes.

792. Yeah. Huh.

793. We should stop smoking.

794. Our partners, they know what they're doin'.

795. They do, don't they? Self-righteous bastards.

796. Well, they're right to quit.

797. You're right, they're right.

798. I was off the smokes for three months.

799. You know, I said to myself, "Hey, I got this thing beat".

800. Then I go out on this one case standin' in this room that got all these burned bodies.

801. Yeah?

802. S'all so quick. So sudden.

803. Things come out of the blue. Wire shorts out. Family's dead. Bing. Just like that.

804. It's all random. Every damn thing.

805. It is. I stepped on the street, after seeing this family burned to death, I don't know.

806. I don't know how the cigarette wound up in my mouth, but there it was, all lit up.

807. Yeah.

808. Colin Dietz. You Colin?

809. That you? Colin, I want you to turn around and face the front of this truck.

810. Turn around, son.

811. Reach up in the bin of the truck.

812. You have the right to remain silent.

813. You have the right to have an attorney.

814. If you can't afford an attorney, Colin, I'm gonna get you one, alright.

815. You understand that?

816. You understand?

817. He asked you a question!

818. Yeah, I understand!

819. Well, let me ask you somethin' else then.

820. Percy Howell was what, fourteen years old?

821. He's not a very big guy physically, is he?

822. But you and your gang, you surround him, don't you?

823. And you beat him with a baseball bat.

824. Now why? Hm? Money?

825. How much money he have on 'em?

826. That's funny to you, isn't it, Colin?

827. Well, I wanna try to understand the humor here, son! Alright?

828. We weren't mugging him, we were making him.

829. Percy wanted to be a Zep. He wanted to be in the gang. So—

830. So you hit him in the head with a baseball bat to see how tough he was? Some kind of initiation?

831. No. I hit him with that bat because we're brothers.

832. Brothers in pain.

833. You see, not everyone in this world's born rich, not everyone in this world's smart,

834. but there's one thing we all know, everybody, everybody knows pain.

835. I hit him with that bat to show him that I understand his pain.

836. I hit him with that bat to show him that I love him.

837. Well, you killed him. Get him outta here.

838. Man, you don't get it, do you!

839. Do you? Uh huh, that's cool.

840. Murder ain't what it used to be.

841. How 'bout those nicotine patches? They work?

842. Hm?

843. Patches?

844. Ah. Yes. Absolutely.

845. I just remembered - I gotta talk to Frank for a minute.

846. What d'ya hafta talk to Frank about?

847. Hey, Tim?

848. Hi. Hi, Frank.

849. Hey.

850. Hey, can I get a cigarette?

851. What?

852. Just— just give me a damn cigarette, alright?

853. Give me a cigarette, Beau.

854. He's cracking up already. Look at him.

855. You're so funny. Okay.

856. Hey, that's him. That's the guy.

857. We killed him, you know?

858. Yeah, we killed Elvis.

859. It's just as if we'd taken a gun and put it to his head.

860. Think so?

861. He's just a country boy

862. He's lookin' for some lovin' you know, like everybody else — he's no different.

863. Yeah, yeah

864. We turned him into a bloated, drug-addicted monster.

865. That's what we do, you know.

866. The people that we identify with...

867. Somebody comes along, and they say what's in our hearts,

868. and we love them so much for that, that we push 'em away.

869. We make 'em them isolate themselves.

870. And, and I'm not just talkin' about, you know building yourself a fortress like Graceland or anything like that,

871. I'm talkin' about... You know, Elvis got fat.

872. Shyeah.

873. He got famous, he got fat.

874. Real fat.

875. Boy, he ate.

876. And he ate, and he ate, and he ate, and he turned himself into an island, huh?

877. Orson Welles, did the same thing.

878. Brando? Liz Taylor? What for though? I mean really, what for? S'it...

879. For love? Is it for love? Huh.

880. Just the other day, I saw the body of a kid.

881. Just a teenage kid.

882. Some other kid killed 'em with a baseball bat.

883. Oh.

884. Yeah. I mean, the kid stands there, and lets the other kid hit him with a baseball bat, because the kid just has no love in his life.

885. Yeah, the bat. I mean, gettin' hit with that bat.

886. Maybe that's the most affection he ever got. Yeah.

887. Hm. *Wow*.

888. My wife and I danced to Elvis on our first date.

889. You did?

890. We were hot, we were hot.

891. Sure.

892. My ex. We just got divorced after twenty-three years of marriage.

893. That's a long time, isn't it?

894. I know, I know.

895. We loved each other when we were married.

896. We did. Uh, yeah. I, I, I, I, I really think..

897. I mean, I don't... I don't know if I remember. I'm not sure.

898. Here's to tomorrow!

899. Yeah.