Home Movies 4x8

1. Brendon, Melissa. I have a bird and you don't.

2. We know, Jason. Yeah.

3. Take a good look.

4. We've seen it. We're not blind.

5. - I'm like a town character now. - That's right.

6. 'Cause I have a bird, and everyone knows who I am. I'm Jason, the bird guy.

7. Yeah. Right.

8. When's your mom coming? She's coming.

9. By the way, my bird can talk. Really?

10. Let's hear him talk. Yeah.

11. He talked this morning a whole bunch.

12. Like, almost a whole conversation. Let's hear it.

13. And I got the feeling I might be able to teach him to read.

14. Well, make him talk. Let's hear it. Go for it.

15. This morning he said... "ssswim"... something like "swimming."

16. "Swimming." That's weird.

17. Yeah. In regards to what? Anything in particular?

18. I don't know. He's just riffing. I wanna hear him say something.

19. Hold on. Tonto, speak.

20. - That's my cue word for him. - Mm-hm.

21. Tonto, speak. Tonto... speak.

22. Maybe he's tired. Yeah mayb...

23. Shh. He can do it. Give him a second.

24. Maybe he's nervous. Sometimes I get quiet around people.

25. Yeah... I bought him because he talks. It said talking parakeet.

26. Right. It's a parakeet?

27. I think so. That's what it said on the sign.

28. Was "talking" in quotes? What do you know about birds?

29. I bought him. He can talk. Lemme move him into a better position.

30. Okay. Open his mouth with my finger.

31. Tonto. Tonto! Speak.

32. Don't do this to me. Please speak.

33. Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

34. - Is that what... - Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

35. Is that how you're supposed to do it? You're scaring him. Yeah...

36. This is frustrating. Hold on.

37. Say hi. Hello. Hello!

38. Hello! Hello! It's okay, Jason. It's... You don't really...

39. Bad Tonto! Bad bird!

40. It's all right. Jason, jeez.

41. Talk!

42. - Hey! Ow. - Sorry.

43. Tonto, back! Jeez, he hit me really hard.

44. Don't swing at a bird. They're defenseless. I didn't swing.

45. My hands were at my side, and he hit me.

46. It's not Tonto, it's you guys. You're provoking him.

47. What are you guys still doing here? Practice is over.

48. Hey, hey!

49. Bad bird, Tonto. Heel!

50. Next time that thing comes near me, I gonna eat it. Got that, Tonto? Behave.

51. I'm leaving. Shouldn't you go too? I can't leave you here. I mean, I do, but...

52. My mom's picking me up. And she's driving us too, right?

53. Yeah. Right, and Tonto too. Right, buddy?

54. My bird? My talking bird.

55. Brendon, you have a note pinned to your chest. I do?

56. Yeah. I do. Hey. How long has that been there?

57. It's been there all day. I thought you knew. It has?

58. You haven't read it yet? No. I can't read it from here.

59. It's addressed to me.

60. It's from your mother. Yeah?

61. Guess what, she's not picking you up. She isn't?

62. No. She wants me to drive you home. Really?

63. Why wouldn't she just tell me? What are you doing?

64. I'm writing her back. "Dear Paula... No.

65. Love... Coach... McGuirk."

66. See ya later. See ya later. Wait.

67. Why do you think your mom would give you a note?

68. You probably have a crappy relationship with your mom, huh?

69. I know. She must think you'd forget.

70. Probably, yeah.

71. She must think you're completely irresponsible.

72. Yeah, apparently. That's not cool. No, it isn't cool.

73. It's embarrassing. That is embarrassing.

74. Walking around with a note, I didn't know about it.

75. Everyone was talking about it. Really?

76. That's great. Now I'm getting mad. You have a right to be.

77. Note pinned to your chest from your mom. Yeah.

78. I mean, come on. My dad used to do that to me in nursery school.

79. No way to live. The nerve! Putting notes on people.

80. That's the way you're gonna do things? Whoa. Right?

81. If you're gonna put notes on human beings, then hello! Brendon, seatbelt.

82. No-no-nnnn... Because... Stop the car!

83. That was close.

84. Almost hit that dog.

85. It's not even a dog. It's a puppy.

86. Can anybody help me outta here?

87. My bird talked.

88. No more rides, ever.

89. Wow. He clearly doesn't have any tags. He's abandoned.

90. It's clear, he's totally abandoned. We'll call the police.

91. Call the... Sure. Right, call the police.

92. And if it's somebody's dog, they'll be able to get him back.

93. But if they don't... Right.

94. Then... Uhh..

95. Yep. Then it's our puppy.

96. Then it's our puppy!

97. Oh, boy.

98. I know.

99. We have a puppy, guys.

100. Okay, wait. We have a puppy, guys. Oh, my God.

101. Okay, wait, wait.

102. We need to decide who's gonna take him tonight. I will.

103. Me. I'll take him. Me.

104. I'll take him. I'll take him. Me.

105. This isn't gonna work. I got it.

106. I got it, guys. Potatoes. Potatoes? We'll do Potatoes.

107. Perfect. What are you talking about?

108. Potatoes. Potatoes, Melissa.

109. Watch and learn.

110. Whose potato, my potatoes, high potato, low.

111. One, two, three and here we go.

112. First hand up wins, I win. Ohp...

113. That's not... Sorry. You guys lose, I win.

114. - My puppy. - Man.

115. Give me the puppy. Give it. Jason...

116. Tonto, you have been replaced.

117. - Who wants a bird? - Here Brendon.

118. I don't want that bird. Take his string.

119. Okay, class. Now I'm gonna draw the lower intestine for you.

120. It's not an exact drawing. This is the lower intestine here.

121. Oh... blechh.

122. Excuse me, Mr. Lynch? Why aren't you using chalk?

123. Uh, we don't seem to have any today. It's a budget thing.

124. We got no chalk. This school is messed up.

125. Take a look at it before it dries out.

126. I think that's for me. Go. Just hurry up.

127. Shut up, Tonto.

128. Brendon, this dog is sick or something.

129. He's been splattering poop like a racehorse.

130. I don't think racehorses are known for splattering poop.

131. Oh. What am I thinking of? You're thinking monkeys?

132. No, monkeys throw poop. Right, that's throwing poop.

133. You're sure about the racehorse thing?

134. Yeah, that's peeing like a racehorse. Oh, right.

135. You can say he's been splattering poop like a monkey's been throwing it.

136. Let's do that. Now, what's going on? What's up?

137. This dog can't stay at my house anymore. Why?

138. Because he's been splattering poop like a monkey's racehorse.

139. Right. So what do we do?

140. Either you or Melissa will have to take him

141. because we can't have him in my house anymore.

142. What is going on out here? Uh, nothing.

143. Nuh... Nothing, um... Well, good.

144. Let's wrap it up, mister, and Jason, you should...

145. Oh, my God! What a beautiful puppy!

146. Oh, yeah. You know, we found him...

147. Oh, hello, little man!

148. Aren't you a good boy, huh?

149. What's your name, little fella? He doesn't have one.

150. He's sick.

151. Oh, are you sick, little buddy?

152. Ugh. Okay. Okay.

153. Told you. Whoa.

154. Oh, man.

155. - Whoa. - Hello.

156. Guess I'm gonna get outta here. Clean this up, Brendon.

157. Yeah, clean it up, Brendon.

158. And no dogs in school.

159. He isn't sick, children.

160. He's just nervous, so he's experiencing an upset tummy.

161. Why is he nervous? Hard to say.

162. Some animals are emotionally unstable, just like human ladies.

163. What? Nothing.

164. My point is, this little fella has gone through a lot of change over the past few days.

165. He doesn't know if he's coming or going. It's nerves. What should we do?

166. He needs to be put on a stable diet. What have you been feeding him?

167. Uh... I fed him Thai food. Is that bad?

168. I would start feeding him dog food.

169. And I would name him too. You guys have an idea for a name?

170. Um... not yet. Not really.

171. I'd give him a name right off. That'll give him an emotional center.

172. Basically what you got here is a fairly healthy dog

173. who may have severe emotional distress.

174. Sometimes dogs, especially lost dogs, have emotional trauma for the rest of their lives.

175. They don't forget it. They log it in their memory like women.

176. I think we should go to a new vet.

177. Oh, I'm not a vet. What?

178. Nothing.

179. What's wrong with Mr. Pickles? Mm.

180. Mr. Pickles, Melissa? Hello. Yeah.

181. Jason has a point. Hello. Honkey Magoo.

182. Honkey Magoo is the best name. I mean, look at him.

183. A Honkey Magoo if I've ever seen one.

184. I'm gonna disagree with you, Brendon. Smatchmo.

185. Smatchmo the Trumpeteer.

186. That's the one that would work best.

187. Mm, I'm gonna say nope, Honkey Magoo.

188. Hello? Mr. Pickles. That is the best name.

189. Well, I'm not budging. Hello? Hello? Neither am I.

190. - Hello? - Hello?

191. You hear that? Brendon, you hear that? That was us.

192. No, it... That was Tonto?

193. His mouth didn't move. "Hello." He said, "Hello."

194. No, he didn't. Tonto. Tonto, say it again. Hello?

195. That was us. Hello? Hello?

196. He said it. I'm telling you. Your bird can't talk. Hello?

197. You don't know how many times he said hello to me this morning.

198. So you're telling me that you're my wife and you're my kid?

199. Yep. Yep.

200. Shh. Quiet, Smatchmo.

201. Should we...? Yeah, yeah.

202. So but yesterday I was a rich bachelor,

203. and I went to sleep and now I have a fam... family?

204. Shut up, Tonto. Bad bird.

205. I didn't think I wanted a family, but now I...

206. Honkey Magoo, please! Out, Mr. Pickles.

207. Out. Get out. Move over there. Tonto, get outta here!

208. I didn't think I wanted a family, but now I don't think it's so bad.

209. Really? So you'll stay? Of course. I...

210. Hey, hey, down!

211. Bad. Bad, Mr. Pickles.

212. Really? So then you'll stay?

213. I now realize my bachelor lifestyle was a shallow existence.

214. I met a lotta ladies, but there was a void inside me, a void now filled by a lovely wife

215. and a child that I have now due to angelic forces, so of course I'll stay... And cut.

216. You can let him go now, Jason.

217. And that is a wrap.

218. Cool. I'm gonna go downtown and sell my bird.

219. So when do we start editing? Soon, soon.

220. Can we edit out the dog and the bird?

221. Sure, yeah, but first there's something else we need to discuss.

222. Right. Which one of you two gets the dog tonight.

223. It's between me and Melissa. I think it should be me.

224. No. Let me go next, and then... it'll be your turn.

225. We can't do it that way. Why not?

226. Fair and square. Uh... Melissa, Brendon. May I suggest Potatoes.

227. All right, Potatoes. Potatoes it is. Fine.

228. Ready? Mm-hm.

229. Potatoes, potatoes, first hand wins. Me. No way. No.

230. No, Brendon... He won, Melissa.

231. Two outta three, two outta three.

232. Potatoes, I win. Three outta five, three outta five.

233. Potatoes, I win. Four outta seven.

234. Potatoes, I win! You're so bad at Potatoes.

235. Yeah, you're no good at... That's embarrassing. I really want the dog!

236. Sorry. I wish... I wish I could give it to you. You could!

237. I wish I could, but it'd be violating every rule of the Potatoes.

238. Brendon, Melissa, The dog and the bird talked last night.

239. Hi, Mom. Hey, sweetie.

240. Hey. Dinner's about ready.

241. That's okay, I'm gonna go up to my room. What?

242. I'm not hungry. What's in that box?

243. Nothin'. It's... How's it goin'? Oh, my God. What is that thing?

244. Um... it's just a box.

245. Brendon. Yeah?

246. It's moving. Uh-oh.

247. Oh, my God. Brendon. Hold on.

248. There's a wild animal in the house. Get him!

249. Can we keep him?

250. Keep him? Get that thing out of here right now. He's in the kitchen.

251. He'll calm down eventually. He always does.

252. Where did he go? I don't know.

253. You don't know where he is. There's a wild beast in our house.

254. He's not wild, he's a puppy.

255. Whose dog is that? It's our dog.

256. It's everybody's. What do you mean "ours"?

257. It's Jason and Melissa and mine and Coach McGuirk's...

258. If it's Jason's dog, we should call Jason's... No, it's everybody's.

259. We gotta take care of him tonight. Brendon, the dinner!

260. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

261. We're supposed to talk about the dog before you... Mom, no!

262. Every child wants a dog and we have a conversation,

263. then I say, "No, you can't get a dog."

264. Why don't you just put another note on my chest?

265. I did. I put a note on that said "No dog." You did?

266. You probably missed that note too.

267. Oh, my God. My everyday plates and dishes... broken.

268. My good china, if I had it... it would be gone.

269. My God, my laptop. You little monster.

270. You're an animal. A vicious, ungrateful...

271. Are you listening? 'Cause this is the same speech I'm gonna give to you in a minute.

272. Hello? Melissa?

273. Yeah? Hey, buddy.

274. My TV, ruined. How's it going?

275. Hi, Brendon. Hey, good news.

276. I know I won the thing, but tonight's not a great night to have Honkey Magoo here.

277. You mean Mr. Pickles. Fine. Mr. Pickles.

278. Where's your sister? Think you can pick him up and take care of him tonight?

279. You want me to pick up Mr. Pickles.

280. Swing on by. Yeah, no.

281. Think you can... No? No.

282. Really? Probably not. Did you try Jason?

283. Yes, of course. He can't. You're the only one that hasn't taken him.

284. Technically, you haven't taken him either.

285. Right, but tonight's a bad night.

286. Same with me. Please, Melissa. Help me out? Huh?

287. Yeah, I wish I could... but I can't.

288. So you're not even gonna bother with an excuse?

289. To tell you the truth, I ran the idea by my father

290. and he wasn't that excited about it, yeah.

291. He wasn't that excited about it. No.

292. Interesting. And on top of that...

293. he told me that's not how you play Potatoes.

294. What does he know about Potatoes?

295. Oh, he knows a thing or two about Potatoes. Please help me out.

296. Come on, please. Anyway, thanks for calling.

297. Oh... It was nice chatting.

298. Have a good night.

299. Well, I agree with the vet, Brendon.

300. This fella needs a little consistency.

301. It isn't good to have him sleeping in a different place every night.

302. Right, but can you take him tonight? Responsibility, Brendon.

303. That's what it all boils down to. I-I-I understand, yes.

304. Animals depend on you, and you need to be responsible. —ponsible, yes.

305. Watch this.

306. Jeez. How many cats do you have?

307. Five, Brendon. Five.

308. And they all rely on me to live.

309. I want you to meet Anjelico, Fernilico...

310. Mumu, Senior Twiginsky...

311. and last but not least, Sanchi-San.

312. Wow. That's really impress...

313. Uh-oh.

314. No! Oh, my God!

315. Mumu! Lulu!

316. I'm doing Mumu. There's still others. All right, fine.

317. Anjelico! Sanchi-San!

318. Kitties...

319. I bet you're sorry you named 'em those weird names,

320. 'cause now you have to say 'em really loud and stuff.

321. I'm sorry. That's a mean thing to say.

322. I realize that now. You lost your cats. I'm sorry. Mm.

323. Ahhh...

324. Hey, good morning, buddy.

325. Oh, jeez! You little monster!

326. - You pooped in my bed? - In my bed!

327. Oh, my God!

328. You ate our movies!

329. Those were the master copies! You little...

330. Get over here! Get over here, get over here.

331. Little monster.

332. I hope they find your real owners, because I'm through with you.

333. Got it, punk? Punk. You little punk. Punk.

334. Brendon, honey, we gotta talk about the dog.

335. I hate to say this, but you may lack the responsibility to take care of...

336. No, I don't!

337. Oh, really? Why, what? Ye... Nuh... Yes?

338. I don't think so. You have not shown me any signs of responsibility in a long time.

339. Stop saying the R-word. This is why I don't want you to keep...

340. I'm filled up to here with responsibility!

341. I'll tell you what. I-I-I can prove it.

342. Give me one week with him. I'll have that dog trained.

343. That's impossible. One week, I'll have him trained.

344. Look at him. Everybody else abandoned him.

345. Melissa, Jason... Nobody cares about him. Whether he lives or dies.

346. I'm all that little ing piece of's got.

347. What did you say? Nothing.

348. There is no way we can... One week, Mom, please.

349. Okay? Okay, okay, I hear you, okay?

350. You want one week? I'll give you a week. Good.

351. And if he's trained, promise that we can keep him.

352. I have to promise? Yeah.

353. We'll talk. Fine.

354. Good. Don't forget your lunch today, okay? All right.

355. Looks like we got a week together, you little bastard.

356. What? I'll see ya later!

357. Uh... He forgot his lunch.

358. Okay. And, uh, other animals have various, uh, systems.

359. A cow has, uh, four stomachs, believe it or not.

360. And, uh, here's a cow.

361. Mr. Lynch? That looks like a cat.

362. It... It does look like a cat.

363. It looks a lot like... Anjelico.

364. Anjelico had a spot right here...

365. and a little spot here...

366. and Mumu would always make fun of those spots.

367. "Why do you have spots?"

368. My cats!

369. I'm never gonna see 'em again.

370. And we don't have any chalk!

371. Because this school doesn't have any money!

372. Meow, meow. Meow.

373. Brendon, your dog is insane.

374. Oh, no, he calms down eventually.

375. We've been watching him run in circles for about two hours now.

376. We gotta train him, Coach. What do you think we should do?

377. We should put him to sleep. But you're co-owner of him. Don't you get it?

378. First, what? And second, no, I'm not.

379. Yes, you are. You helped save his life.

380. Remember when he was out in the road? 'Member that?

381. You, me, Jason, Melissa, we all own him. No.

382. He's not my responsibility. He is.

383. You gotta go home. No, we still got a lot of work to do, I mean...

384. Get off... my property. This week... Okay.

385. Jason, Melissa, where have you guys been?

386. Um... Because remember the dog? Jason?

387. Hello? Jason. Hm? Hi.

388. Jason, why are you not making eye contact with me? Melissa? Melissa?

389. Jason and I wanna know where we are in finishing the movie. Yes.

390. Oh, really? The movie. Well, well...

391. What about Honkey Magoo, huh? Don't you wanna know how he is?

392. Huh, Melissa? Huh, Jason?

393. How is he, Brendon? Like you care. Huh?

394. Like you care. Look at you, Melissa. Whatever became of your beloved Mr. Pickles, huh?

395. What about Smatchmo the Trumpeteer, huh?

396. Why, it felt like hours ago that you scrambled to be near him.

397. "I wanna hold him." "No, I wanna hold him." "No, he likes me the best."

398. What about now, huh? Huh? Huh!

399. Stop yelling, Brendon.

400. You two make me sick, it's official. It's not our fault.

401. No, hey.

402. Where's Tonto, Jason, huh?

403. Who? Tonto! Your bird!

404. Oh, the bird, oh. You just forget about him too?

405. No, Brendon. No, I didn't. I released him into the wild, where parakeets belong.

406. I couldn't keep him caged anymore. It was too painful. Okay. So I let him go.

407. And now he lives in the forest with the other birds. That's not fair.

408. How come you get to abandon your responsibility and I'm stuck with this stupid dog?

409. Brendon, do you think it was easy for me getting rid of Tonto? No.

410. It wasn't. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!

411. It's okay, Jason.

412. Well, actually... Are you happy now?

413. It was sort of easy. In the sense that I really just opened the window.

414. I'm gonna ask this one more time. And then I opened his cage.

415. What are we gonna do about finishing the movie? Then he flew out.

416. Nothin'. We're gonna do absolutely nothing.

417. Know why? Honkey Magoo ate it. No.

418. Yes. Know what? I'm glad he did. I think the three of us are finished too.

419. You're gonna have to excuse me, 'cause I got work to do with my dog.

420. So I'm afraid you're gonna have to, like, excuse me, I know I said that.

421. Oh, no. No, Tonto.

422. No. Go away! Bad bird!

423. Damn this bird. Go away!

424. I don't want you! Go back to the forest!

425. Here, kitty. Here, kitty. Who likes fishies?

426. Kitty, get away.

427. Kitties? Mumu? Kitties?

428. Whoa.

429. Whoa, hey, little fella.

430. Hm. I know you.

431. What are you doing out here by yourself? What are you doing?

432. Oh, good, you stopped him.

433. I've been trying to train him and he got loose.

434. Boy, he really seems to like you, Mr. Lynch. Yes, he does.

435. Yeah, he sure does.

436. You know, I know a thing or two about training dogs.

437. Welcome, everyone, to the Honkey Magoo Perfectly Trained Puppy Exhibition.

438. Please be patient. We'll be starting shortly.

439. I kinda feel guilty about the dog thing. I know, me too.

440. Me too. Why do you feel guilty, Mrs. Small?

441. Because I just got off the phone with the puppy's owners. Oh, my gosh.

442. You did? They're coming to pick him up tomorrow.

443. Mr. Pickles? Smatchmo.

444. No. Actually, turns out his name is Woogie. Ooh.

445. Woogie? Ew. Awful.

446. Does Brendon know they're taking him away?

447. No, they just called. But Brendon's gonna be heartbroken.

448. He did so much work. I know, Melissa, I know.

449. Look at him over there.

450. They move so well together. He's so happy.

451. I guess we'll have to tell him after the exhibition.

452. God, I feel awful. Oh, well. They're getting started. Yeah.

453. Want some popcorn? Sure.

454. Come here, Honkey Magoo!

455. And... sit!

456. Honkey Magoo, lay down!

457. Honkey Magoo, lay down!

458. Oh, no!

459. Honkey Magoo, come back here!

460. Bad dog! Get back here! Honkey Magoo!

461. Heel. Did we work on that? Heel!

462. Heel! He should heel.

463. He should. He's not heeling. Sorry, everybody!

464. Oh, no... No...

465. The dog's at us. Hey. The dog has us.

466. And he's humping us. Save us.

467. Yeah, save us. In a while. Yeah, in a while.

468. In a while. Oh, no. Oh, no.

469. Oh, no. Oh, no.

470. Mom, I'm so sorry about all this. What a catastrophe.

471. It's not your fault. You did your best.

472. And now the rightful owners are gonna come pick up the dog.

473. Thank God. Can I tell you something? I'm a little relieved.

474. Really? Yeah. I kinda hate that dog.

475. That makes two of us.

476. But I feel like I showed some... responsibility.

477. Uh-huh. I feel bad for dragging Mr. Lynch into this thing.

478. He's gonna be a mess. He lost five of his cats.

479. And now he's gonna lose a dog he doesn't even have. Where is Mr. Lynch, anyway?

480. Oh! Oh, kitties!

481. Kitties! Thank God you're safe!

482. Anjelico, Fernilico, Mumu,

483. Sanchi-San, Senior Twiginsky, they're all here!

484. Okay, stay there. Lynch, why are you talking to a tree?

485. Oh, good, McGuirk. What are you, high?

486. What? No, my cats. There's my cats up there and I gotta call the fire department.

487. But they're in the tree. Yeah.

488. Oh, I'll get 'em. Here. What?

489. Ready?

490. There you go. All right? Oh! Sanchi-San.

491. That was fun.

492. Okay, kitties. Okay. Stay on. Okay, stay on and we'll go home.

493. Well, this is it, Mr. Honkey Magoo.

494. We're gonna miss ya. Sure will.

495. - Kinda. - Yeah.

496. It's amazing how good he is now compared to when he pooped all over my house.

497. Hello. What?

498. Hello. Jason, your bird can talk.

499. I know, he can talk, he can talk. Big deal.

500. Hello. Wow, he can say hello.

501. Hello. Your bird's really talking.

502. That's pretty amazing. It's pretty much all he's been doing.

503. For the last 48 hours. Hello.

504. Wow. Shout out.

505. Shout out? Shut it out.

506. Shut it out. Play it.

507. Play it?

508. Honk. An amazing mimic, your bird.

509. Honk. Honk. That looks like them. Better wrap up.

510. Get your bird to... I can't get him to shut up.

511. Say your last goodbye. Say your last goodbye.

512. Now he talks really well. Now he talks really well.

513. The bird talks really well. The bird talks really well.

514. Pretty bird. Pretty bird.

515. Pretty bird. Pretty bird.

516. This is fun. This is fun.

517. I'm havin' fun. Havin' fun.

518. - Pretty annoyed right now. - Lotta fun.

519. Lotta fun. All night. Uh, pretty annoyed.

520. All night, outta sight.

521. Say goodbye to the dog! Gotta go. No problem.

522. Mrs. Small, will you ask those people if they want a bird?

523. Well, I'm kinda relieved you're going, buddy.

524. You were a real pain in the...

525. Oh! Oh! Oh! Good boy. Good boy.

526. Get off me. Get off me, boy.

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