Home Movies 4x13

1. Give me the film. We make exchange now.

2. Give me the diamonds, then I give you the film, then we make the exchange.

3. - That is the exchange. - Brendon!

4. Melissa, what the hell are you doing? Get in the game.

5. You were supposed to come alone. You brought soccer coach?

6. He followed me. It isn't safe here.

7. Let's go. I hope a paper boy doesn't come.

8. Extra, extra, read all about it.

9. Secret spy exchange going on during kids' soccer game.

10. Hey, boy, I'll take one. Here you go, ma'am.

11. Enjoy reading about your own death.

12. What? What?

13. I gotta go.

14. - You'll never catch me. - The diamonds are in the ball!

15. Brendon, what did I tell you about making movies during soccer games?

16. You said, "No making a movie during an away game." I did?

17. What the heck was that supposed to be?

18. What kind of comment are we supposed to give?

19. I don't know. It was weird.

20. Okay, focus group. Ready? Passing out the comment cards.

21. Now, I want everyone to be as honest as you can possibly be. Okay?

22. Hah. You serious? Oh, yeah.

23. Okay.

24. You don't think it's too big?

25. For the last time, it's not that big. I got the good one.

26. Yeah, but we're not a big family, John.

27. You told me, "Go to the store, get a grill." I went to the store, got a grill.

28. I know. It's just it's so big. I know.

29. Paula, listen to me. A grill is something you buy once in a lifetime.

30. Maybe twice or three times. Till it breaks. Oh.

31. You gotta get a good one and a big one.

32. I don't know. Look, when this comes together, Paula,

33. you'll be grilling everything. Chickens, steaks, anything. Things you find in the yard.

34. Honestly, it was a little more than I wanted to spend.

35. Paula, look at me. Do I know grills? Do I? I do. Okay.

36. I went to the store. I got the right grill for you.

37. This is perfect. Look at the picture.

38. It looks nice in the picture.

39. They have a grill. It's this grill.

40. Now you have it. All right? I guess.

41. It's called America. Okay.

42. Look how happy that family is. Except the kid.

43. Is he crying? It's just so big, you know?

44. Paula. Yeah?

45. It is big. But we are gonna have the biggest grill in the neighborhood.

46. Believe me, a lot of people... You haven't had a grill before.

47. I just wanted to cook a couple burgers, you know?

48. No, no. It's way beyond that, Paula.

49. How do you open this box?

50. I think you just tear there on the perforated line.

51. Oh, it says "Open here."

52. Hey, Brendon? Is Coach McGuirk gonna be your dad?

53. I don't think so.

54. Why is he helping your mom make a grill?

55. 'Cause she wanted... It's kind of a dad thing.

56. Yeah. Get the grill all set up?

57. Yeah, I don't know. They kinda do look good together.

58. They're a good height for each other.

59. They're both, like, dumpy.

60. They both have the biggest collection of sweatpants than any other human I know.

61. That's never a good look. Yeah.

62. Maybe your mom needs to put in a little extra effort.

63. Yeah. Then she can attract a guy.

64. I don't know what to say about that.

65. She's never gonna get a man looking like that.

66. Yeah. She should wear a little makeup.

67. Yeah? Melissa, you got a little makeup on.

68. I do. Yeah. I was waiting for you guys to notice.

69. You're wearing a touch of makeup.

70. Just a little bit. Little experiment.

71. Did you have help?

72. I did it myself. I just sat in front of the mirror...

73. You had a mirror?

74. Yeah. Wow.

75. Looking good. Yeah, excellent.

76. Thank you. Not bad.

77. Can I ask is there any left? Yeah.

78. In the world?

79. The reason he said it is because it looks very good.

80. Thank you. Right, because there's a lot...

81. Guys, stop. I'm blushing.

82. Wow. We'd hardly be able to know. Yeah.

83. Maybe we should go down, check on those comment cards.

84. Yeah. You think they're about finished with those?

85. Probably.

86. Looks horrible, right? Yeah.

87. I'll tell you right now, that movie sucks.

88. I didn't get it. Didn't make any sense.

89. Nope. It stunk. Guys, did you write it on the comment card?

90. No, we drew pictures.

91. Here's my card, Brendon. Okay.

92. Read it. I'm supposed to read them later.

93. No, read it now. It says, "Boo."

94. There wasn't enough room on the card

95. to tell you everything I thought was wrong.

96. So I just summed it up. Um, okay. Well, thank you.

97. I can go through it right now for you. That's...

98. I know it'll be a help. One of the things I thought...

99. Well, let's start with character. Okay.

100. Wrong. Just got it wrong. I just got it wrong?

101. Yes. The character's an empty vessel. Right.

102. And even the vessel part's not working for me.

103. I mean, I never understand the character's motivations.

104. You start scenes too early and you get out way too late.

105. Well, you... There's no composition.

106. The composition of the frame's like telling the story.

107. But you didn't write that down, though, on the comment...

108. No, I wrote, "Boo," because... Well, I'm...

109. I would give you a comment if I thought something could salvage it.

110. Well, um, I had actually...

111. I'm gonna go home and type something up.

112. All right, well... Do you have a fax?

113. My mom has a fax.

114. No, I don't think we have a fax.

115. Oh. I know what I can do!

116. I can go home and shoot my own movie

117. about how bad your movie was.

118. I'll see you later.

119. Fenton has bad breath.

120. I heard that! Shh!

121. Write it down on a comment card.

122. I did. Oh, okay.

123. "Perry has nice hair and Fenton has bad breath."

124. Will you two do me a favor and shut up for one minute?

125. Brendon, is that how you thought it would go?

126. No, Melissa.

127. Didn't go so well, did it?

128. I was hoping it'd go a little better.

129. Actually, I was hoping that the movie would be received well

130. and we wouldn't have to change anything.

131. Maybe we shouldn't have made the spy movie during a soccer game.

132. Guys, guys, guys!

133. Maybe our lead starlet should get a better accent

134. that's not fake German-Russian.

135. Maybe our writer...

136. Stop!

137. God, can't you see that you're tearing us apart?

138. My God, we can't sit around and argue like this.

139. It gains nothing.

140. Brendon, give me a boost.

141. Ow, ow, ow!

142. What are you doing? Going up.

143. Remember this?

144. Wow. Wow, it's our first one.

145. Our first movie.

146. Numero uno.

147. Remember what it represents.

148. What it represented. Our journey was just beginning.

149. We weren't jaded.

150. We weren't stars.

151. We were struggling, but we were happy.

152. We had passion!

153. We did it because we loved making films and we loved the process.

154. We loved...

155. It's okay, Jason.

156. No, it's not okay, idiot.

157. - Hey! - Why don't you put more makeup on?

158. I just reapplied.

159. And look at you, Brendon.

160. Huh? Look at you. What's wrong with you?

161. Jason, come down off the... No!

162. I'm not coming down until we settle this.

163. It's settled. Let's watch the movie.

164. Oh, is it settled? Yeah.

165. Yeah. All right, I'll come down.

166. You think we lost 'em, man?

167. I don't know, man.

168. I think we lost 'em.

169. Mama, I don't think we lost 'em, man.

170. Let's get on our bikes and ride, Mama.

171. We stand here at a crossroads. Which way do we turn?

172. It don't matter. We just gotta ride, sister.

173. No, we stay and fight, man.

174. No, man.

175. We stay and fight, man! No, no, no, man.

176. Wow. Yeah.

177. Whoa, that's an old movie.

178. I can't believe it. We never finished it.

179. What? We never finished the movie.

180. How come we didn't finish it?

181. I, for one, see that as a finished movie.

182. No, Brendon, there's no ending to it.

183. We couldn't agree on an ending, remember?

184. - Oh, right. - That's right.

185. Remember, I wanted the throw-up monster to come...

186. The big monster, he throws up

187. and everybody who gets in the way of the throw-up...

188. That was how you wanted to end all our movies.

189. You went through a real throw-up monster phase.

190. Guys, I have a great idea. Are you ready?

191. Let's finish the movie.

192. Let's do it. Let's finish our first movie.

193. Not that one. Yeah, that one.

194. It'll be fun. Come on.

195. Maybe what we can do is this.

196. We can come up with our own endings, shoot 'em,

197. have the focus group decide which one's best.

198. I know I have my ending R.T.G. Throw-up monster.

199. So I'm in on that. I'm in.

200. Hey, Coach. How's it going?

201. Good. I'm on my third beer. Good.

202. That's when it all starts to get a little clearer.

203. Sure has taken you a long time to put this thing together.

204. You can't rush a grill, Brendon.

205. I believe you might be able to.

206. It takes time. Look at all these pieces.

207. They all go someplace and I don't know where they go.

208. So, what are you dressed like a geek for?

209. I'm not a geek, I'm a biker.

210. You're a biker? Yeah.

211. Why do you want to be a biker?

212. No, it's for a movie.

213. Right. It's never real with you.

214. Well, I like to...

215. It'd be nice if you wanted to be a biker.

216. Instead of pretending I was something I'm not?

217. You can't live in a fantasy world your whole life.

218. So far I've been doing an okay job at it.

219. Pass me that beer and that wrench.

220. Beer and a wrench. Don't mix 'em up.

221. So you're doing another movie?

222. Yeah, I'm doing another movie, but...

223. I don't know. I'm supposed to be writing an ending,

224. but I'm having a lot of trouble just ending it.

225. Well, end it with a grill. Put the grill in it.

226. Put a grill in it?

227. Have everybody grilling in the end and then film it.

228. Think that's a good way to...

229. I don't think there's ever been a great grill scene in a movie.

230. No, there hasn't really... Name one.

231. I'll have this baby up and working in an hour.

232. Yeah?

233. Thank you and welcome to a very special showing of our new film.

234. My name is Jason Penopopolis

235. and I am one of the co-producers.

236. We're going to show you three different endings,

237. and you, focus group,

238. gets to decide which one we use in the final movie.

239. Isn't that exciting?

240. Yay!

241. Okay. So let's roll the film.

242. We stay and fight, man.

243. No, man.

244. We stay and fight, man. No, no, no, man.

245. Wait, I have a magic wand.

246. Surprise!

247. I'm really Princess Pretty and I'm gonna save us all.

248. I'll turn you two into handsome princes

249. who are also excellent fighters.

250. We are now fearless warriors, in tights

251. that are too tight.

252. Fearless and handsome, we will fight and win.

253. Quiet! I think I hear my mother's voice

254. calling me through the wind.

255. She has returned to my father and is calling me.

256. "Princess Pretty!"

257. I will fly away to be with my mother and father,

258. and I will return for you two later.

259. I need to fly back to my family now.

260. I can't get her up. I want to fly.

261. I want to fly!

262. I'm flying, I'm fly...

263. It's official. I have the creeps.

264. It doesn't work. There's no justification for her actions.

265. It's false.

266. She's magical, Fenton. It's false!

267. Any other questions for the auteur of that ending?

268. Yes? Who does your makeup?

269. I do.

270. You should have someone else do it.

271. Or you should have someone else be in the movie besides you.

272. High five, Perry. Whoop!

273. Okay, okay, okay. Here's your next ending.

274. It's by yours truly, me.

275. Enjoy.

276. We stay and fight, man.

277. No, man.

278. We stay and fight, man. No, no, no, man.

279. Oh, no! Oh, my God!

280. It's the throw-up monster!

281. Don't throw up on us!

282. Oh, what a mess!

283. Who's gonna clean this up?

284. Ow!

285. Everything looks like acid!

286. So, wasn't that pretty great?

287. With a nice twist in the end.

288. Any comments or questions for me?

289. That was not so great, but...

290. that's better than the princess bull.

291. Hey!

292. That's not a twist! It's just stupid.

293. Save it for the comment card, Fenton.

294. Well, I'm sorry. That was not good.

295. Fenton, I appreciate that you have opinions,

296. but if you can keep them to yourself, that'd be great.

297. Well, what's the point of having a screening

298. if we keep our opinions to ourselves?

299. You just don't want to hear criticism that it was bad.

300. I have an idea.

301. What if, in the end,

302. me and Perry walk up... That's good.

303. In front of the camera and dance?

304. Yeah, I like that. Like this.

305. Like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh."

306. Brendon, where's your ending?

307. I thought you had an ending.

308. The screening has been postponed.

309. Why?

310. Because... I want to see it now.

311. It's not prepared yet.

312. The other endings are fresh in my mind. I want it now.

313. I'm having a difficult time wrapping it up.

314. What do you mean?

315. It's very difficult to come up with an ending.

316. What do you mean? It's at the end!

317. It's at the end, but it's hard to come up with...

318. Why are you stammering so much?

319. Because you're standing very close to me.

320. I'm trying to find out where the ending is.

321. You're talking very loud to me.

322. Now you're breathing... I want to see it!

323. Stop it! I want to see it!

324. So, um, there's the first pass.

325. John, can I...

326. I know it looks a little bit like a lump of metal,

327. Uh-huh. but it's gonna be a grill eventually.

328. I'm gonna get it into shape.

329. Believe me, my expectations are low at this point.

330. Oh, that's helpful. Listen, I need...

331. I lost some parts, 'cause I got mad and I threw stuff.

332. Okay, we'll deal with that later.

333. Let me ask you something, John.

334. Sure. Did you send Brendon to buy beer for you?

335. No! No! Why would I... Are you kidding me?

336. I'm 38 years old. Uh-huh.

337. I wouldn't send a kid to... No!

338. Hey, Coach. Here's your I.D.

339. Brendon, you took my I.D.?

340. Here's your fake mustache back.

341. This is definitely something between you and your son, Paula,

342. so work it out.

343. Where's my money? Here you go.

344. Thanks. Paula, deal with him. Punish, punish.

345. Jason, come here.

346. Mom, I need to talk to you about Melissa and her face.

347. Hey, Brendon. Hey, Brendon.

348. Hey, guys. How's it going?

349. How did the endings test? How did the beginning test?

350. Not a lot of comments on the ending.

351. I've tallied up everything and there was 24 "hated it,"

352. and so far, zero "liked it."

353. Yeah, it's kind of varying degrees of how much they hated it.

354. So, the word "hate" came up, the actual word "hate"?

355. Yeah, pretty much on every card.

356. There was one, two, three, four... seven death threats.

357. Seven death...

358. They're stuff like, "I'll kill you."

359. Hey, kids.

360. Hi, Mrs. Small. Hi, Melissa.

361. Wow, look at you. You're all made up.

362. Yeah.

363. Yeah. It looks, um... Looking all made up.

364. Yeah.

365. Hey, you want to come upstairs for a minute,

366. have a little girl talk?

367. Sure. Can we go right now?

368. Sure. I'll meet you up there.

369. Here's the thing about the way you've got the makeup on now.

370. You look like a lunatic.

371. But pretty, right?

372. Oh no, you're beautiful, Melissa.

373. You're a very pretty girl, Melissa.

374. Thank you.

375. With beautiful features. I love girl talk.

376. Yeah, that's why we want to bring them out, not cover them up.

377. Okay.

378. How many containers of blush did you actually use, Melissa?

379. Two.

380. Okay, that's an easy mistake,

381. but you know you're trying to accentuate your features.

382. Do you know what that means?

383. I see where you're going, but I need an example.

384. Okay, um...

385. How would you do my lips differently?

386. It's probably that you don't want the lipstick to be thick.

387. But I like when I drink something

388. and the lipstick's all over the cup.

389. Well, maybe just a tad less.

390. Less is more.

391. Okay. These are all good tips.

392. Now, I don't mean to mother you...

393. No, please. By all means.

394. It's not my place to say this,

395. but you're a little young to be wearing makeup.

396. You think so?

397. I didn't start until I was, uh...

398. I don't think I've ever seen you wear makeup.

399. Good point. I'm actually not sure I've ever worn any.

400. I've always thought that makeup's for special occasions,

401. like if you're on a date, or you're at a funeral.

402. You never really date though, do you?

403. Melissa, I date.

404. Hardly.

405. Maybe not very often, but what's so horrible about not dating?

406. It's not so bad.

407. Don't you want to date?

408. Let's not talk about my dating anymore,

409. 'cause I'm getting a little sensitive.

410. But it's girl talk. We're talking about makeup and dating.

411. It's fun. Sort of.

412. Coach, can I talk to you for a second?

413. Sure.

414. What is going on with you and this grill?

415. We love each other.

416. Besides that. What more do you want?

417. I just want to know. You're not finishing this thing.

418. It's taking an abnormal amount of time.

419. Typically does not take over a week to build a grill.

420. That's what I'm saying.

421. I've made occasional mistakes.

422. I've seen you backtrack a few times.

423. Sometimes you have to start over when things go really wrong.

424. I've done that a few times.

425. It's really easy to put one of these things together.

426. It's a lot easier than you're allowing it to be.

427. And it's not really your grill. Think about that.

428. Wow, Brendon. You know how to hurt a guy.

429. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just saying...

430. It is partly my grill. I'm putting it together. I went and bought it.

431. My mom paid for it, so I mean, like...

432. What I'm saying is I think you're setting yourself up

433. for some kind of disappointment here.

434. Number one, you can't put a money value on everything.

435. All right? Okay.

436. It's not just who paid for it.

437. It's who put the care and the time and the effort

438. into trying to build it.

439. You are so drunk.

440. Yeah, I am.

441. Brendon, get over here and give us a hug.

442. Come on.

443. Okay.

444. We love each other, me and you

445. and the grill, and we're gonna grill!

446. Coach, are you moving into the back yard?

447. Can I ask? Because of the tent?

448. Yes, exactly.

449. I didn't want to bring up the tent.

450. I stayed last night. I was working late on the grill.

451. All right. The generator keep you up?

452. Yeah, the generator did keep me up.

453. I had to put light on the...

454. Believe me, it's gonna get done today.

455. All right.

456. We'll be grilling by... What time is it?

457. We'll be grilling by six.

458. I can guarantee that.

459. Are you keeping the tent here?

460. I'll probably stay over tonight.

461. I mean, if we grill at six, I might as well stay.

462. We stay and fight, man.

463. No, man.

464. We stay and fight, man. No, no, no, man.

465. I'm sick of finding myself on the road.

466. It's been taking too long. These hotels are expensive.

467. I'm sick of looking at the map and the road at the same time.

468. I'll get killed if I keep doing that.

469. I don't want to find myself either.

470. It's more interesting not knowing where I might be.

471. Maybe we should build a house together

472. out of our bikes and random trash and live in it forever,

473. - together. - Yes.

474. Not a great house, but our house.

475. Not really a house, but a pile of trash.

476. Assembled out of random parts that were not intended to be put together.

477. But a strong foundation nonetheless, my friends.

478. Yes, though our windows are spoked and filthy,

479. and the door laden with bicycle grease,

480. its foundation be solid.

481. Solid like our souls.

482. for together we may weather fierce things and torrid horrors.

483. Yea, Lord, we fear not your wrath.

484. Be us flawed and possibly overcompensating for other things.

485. Oh, perhaps too fat, Hey!

486. Or terribly makeuped, Hey!

487. Or asthmatic and ratlike. Hey.

488. Regardless, we are strong together.

489. We are strong together! We are strong together!

490. We are strong together!

491. Real bad, Brendon, I give that a.

492. I give that too a.

493. Horrible! Smelly!

494. We get the point.

495. No, I don't think you do.

496. Horrible, horrible!

497. What do you guys know about anything?

498. Don't get mad at us, Brendon. We're your audience.

499. Yeah, you need us. Yeah.

500. Listen, the focus group was,

501. and has always been, a stupid idea!

502. Well, fine. Let's get out of here, focus groupers.

503. We're clearly not wanted

504. by these bad filmmakers.

505. Let's start another group.

506. Let's start a holding-hands group.

507. Okay, that's a group I could get behind.

508. Everybody hold hands! Let's go.

509. Do not touch my hand!

510. We're not going to fit through the door like this.

511. Don't touch me!

512. This guy needs to loosen up.

513. You know what I think, Walter and Perry?

514. Yeah? Makeover.

515. I hear that!

516. Don't touch my hair!

517. I have been looking at you this entire focus group, Fenton.

518. I want to give you a facial scrub so bad.

519. Your hair needs some serious...

520. Yeah, I want to pluck your eyebrows so bad.

521. You guys are... You're talking about... No one's...

522. Clean up your own back yards!

523. What? "Clean up our own back yards?"

524. Get out of here!

525. This is gonna sound weird, guys. I don't, honestly...

526. I don't think our movies should be watched.

527. - They shouldn't? - No.

528. Then why are we making them?

529. I have no idea why we make them.

530. All I know is this.

531. We keep coming here after school every single day,

532. and we just keep doing it.

533. I don't know, we just... And then we just do it.

534. It feels like we should be doing it.

535. Huh. Weird.

536. Weird. We are... God, we're weird.

537. What's wrong with us?

538. I don't know! We're weirdos.

539. Guys, upstairs! Grill's ready!

540. Yay!

541. Well, here goes nothing.

542. Family Grill D-9000, preparing for takeoff.

543. And here we go.

544. Everybody, give it a minute.

545. It's coming. Come on.

546. Maybe give it a little more gas.

547. Now, turn all the way.

548. That should do it.

549. Wow, that's a powerful stream of gas.

550. Everybody, you still there?

551. Give it another second. It's warming up.

552. Something smells wrong around here.

553. It's fine, Brendon! All right.

554. Get ready to...

555. Oh!

556. Oh, no.

557. So what does everybody want to eat?

558. Pizza? Someplace with a salad bar.

559. We like Chinese. Italian is definitely fine.

560. All right, shut up. Sorry I asked.

561. How do you guys feel about tapas?

562. I can go for tapas. I like some with seafood.

563. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Service, Inc. Burbank, CA