Home Movies 4x12

1. Coach, I didn't even know you wore glasses.

2. I don't, but I should've been for the last ten years.

3. I can't see anything. Really?

4. I can see you, but you're just a ball of blur.

5. Right. Orange and blue. Just colors.

6. It's beautiful. Yeah.

7. Where are you? I'm over here, coach.

8. I hear your nasally voice, which is so annoying, so I know it's you.

9. Mm hmm. I use my ears. That's how I've gotten by.

10. My sense of hearing is elevated. Right.

11. Sometimes when one of your senses fail, like my eyes,

12. your other senses take over. Like Lou Ferrigno. Or Helen Keller.

13. But, coach, you're gonna let people point laser beams in your eyes?

14. Why not just get glasses? Glasses are for dorks, Brendon, period.

15. No offense to the baby.

16. Although babies with glasses are even worse.

17. They're like super-dorks.

18. You're gonna let somebody cut open your cornea.

19. It's a one-time thing, Brendon, then I'm done.

20. Then I see perfect for the rest of my beautiful life.

21. And this is a one-time offer, today only, $115 for an eye.

22. $115 an eye? Is this guy even licensed?

23. Do you work for the C.I.A., Brendon? Mind your own business.

24. I want to see clearly. I'm sick of being blind.

25. What about contacts? You wear contacts.

26. You wear contacts. No, you do it.

27. You do it. I can't read this. Paula, fill it out for me?

28. John, how long is this actually gonna take?

29. I don't know, Paula. I'm not a surgeon.

30. I got some stuff to do. I'm sorry.

31. I'm just saying I wish you didn't spring it on me right after soccer practice.

32. Paula, I wish you wouldn't complain to me before I get surgery.

33. I'm the one going under the knife in about two minutes.

34. What should I put here for your Social Security number?

35. I don't know. Just make up a couple numbers.

36. Closest family number in case of emergency?

37. I know I have an uncle. Perfect. I'll put uncle.

38. Just put my uncle. I'll put that in quotes, actually.

39. Okay. Number two.

40. So this is safe, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely safe.

41. Yeah. You wear glasses, huh? Yeah.

42. I'd think that you'd have the surgery. I mean, you perform laser surgery.

43. Oh, no. No. I don't do lasers or needles.

44. What are these, doctor?

45. Oh, sometimes... You know, you have to stay still.

46. Uh... Okay.

47. You sit here, watch this, and I better go eat something or I'm gonna pass out.

48. How long before the drugs kick in, doc?

49. I don't know. For me it's pretty quick.

50. But if you don't feel anything in a few minutes, grab a few more.

51. Great. How many can I take?

52. I generally go by whatever can fit in your fist.

53. I also brought my own, so... Oh, what do you have?

54. I have Percodan. Okay.

55. And Percocet. Mm hm.

56. And alcohol. Just watch the video.

57. Hello, customers. If you're watching this, you may or may not be a candidate

58. for laser eyeball surgeries. How do you do? My name is Pingpong Von Laserstein.

59. Today we're going to talk about your eyes.

60. Eyes? Vat's that?

61. Hello, Toocool. I did not see you come in.

62. Sorry to sneak up on you, Pingpong.

63. But what is "eyes"?

64. Well, you know what laser eye surgery is, right? Uh huh.

65. The eyes is what laser topographical reshaping takes place upon.

66. Oh! You mean, like eyeballs. Exactly, Toocool.

67. Now I understand it, but let's talk more

68. about the laser topographical whatchamacallit.

69. Topographical Eyeball Corneal Laser Reshaping. Here's what we do.

70. First, we give you some sleepy-time feelgood pills.

71. Then we put you on the table and tape down your head so you don't wiggle giggle sniggle.

72. Then we prop open your eyes. You mean, eyeballs.

73. Right, Pingpong? That's right, Toocool.

74. And we cut open your cornea. Whoopee!

75. That sounds like fun.

76. And then what, Pingpong? Laser time!

77. Wowwee! Hey, you feel like gettin' a headstart on your homework?

78. Do you feel like getting a headstart on my homework?

79. Come on. What do you got? Oh, well.

80. We're supposed to be doing these family trees.

81. Boring, stupid, crappy family shrubbery.

82. Family trees? Yeah.

83. That'd be fun. Kinda neat to see who we're related to.

84. Here's what I like. I like that you're

85. getting excited about doing this for me.

86. What if we're related to someone really famous?

87. Like, I don't know, like Neil Diamond?

88. That would be interesting.

89. When we go home, we'll go online and we'll find one of those websites

90. that helps you find out your lineage. All right.

91. Have I ever told you where babies come from, Brendon?

92. Yes. Every day. Good.

93. And then you can see real good.

94. Right? That's right, Toocool.

95. And then you put in the magical eyedrops.

96. Whoopee! That will help with Mr. Stingee.

97. Heh heh heh heh. I hate Mr. Stingee, Pingpong.

98. Heh heh hah hah hah. Hey, drugs working yet?

99. Ho hah hah hah. Oh, I'd say that's a yes.

100. Hey, Pingpong and Toocool.

101. I hate Mr. Stingee, too.

102. I'd like to kill the son of a bitch.

103. Okay. Hold still.

104. Doctor, I love Pingpong and Toocool. Mm hm.

105. That was funny. Okay.

106. Play it again. Okay.

107. You'll feel a slight pressure in the eyes.

108. Okay, that's me cutting into them.

109. Awe... some.

110. Now see, I burned your cheek.

111. You have to sit still.

112. Is that a laser? Yes.

113. And you hit my cheek? Well, you moved.

114. Oh.

115. I smell burning eye.

116. Is that a problem? Nope.

117. Doctor, it was a pleasure.

118. Oh! You're a good man.

119. Thank you. Good stock.

120. Okay... Give me another hug.

121. All right. One more... okay. Come on.

122. Brendon, go start the car.

123. All right, doctor. You did your job. Okay.

124. I will give you some money. John?

125. There we go.

126. There's your money. Thanks for the surgery.

127. Y-you're welcome. Idiot.

128. I can't see.

129. Whoa. Well, he should be fine.

130. Um, just take him home and check on him every couple of hours.

131. Home? To his house. He's gonna need some attention

132. for the next couple of days. He-he's not ours, actually.

133. Oh, he can't be alone. Can you give him to somebody else?

134. Does anybody owe you a favor? Come on, Mom. Let him stay.

135. He shouldn't be by himself.

136. Yeah, Mom. Slumber party!

137. I can't believe we have to do this stupid family tree.

138. Yeah. What do you do?

139. Family stuff's personal. I thought you don't have to talk about family in school.

140. Isn't there something like family and school should be separate?

141. What kind of stupid assignment is that? Am I right?

142. That's church and state.

143. Oh. Not family and school.

144. My mom's doing mine, so, you know...

145. My parents are in Tunisia so I can't do it. 'Cause I can't contact them.

146. They didn't leave you a number to get in touch?

147. I faxed their hotel. Hopefully they'll fax me back my family tree.

148. Wake up, Mr. Sleepypants.

149. Paging Dr. Sleepingbird.

150. Hello, good morning...

151. Do not approach me, Brendan, when I'm sleeping. Ow.

152. That's how you get hurt. That... is how you get hurt.

153. Don't you want to take off the bandages, see what your new vision is like?

154. Mm... yeah.

155. Paula. Take a look.

156. Are there any more bandages here? No, you're all clear, John.

157. My eyes are open now, right? Yeah.

158. Yeah, hi. Hi. I'm blind.

159. Very funny. Very funny.

160. I'm not kidding. I can't see. Very funny.

161. Seriously?

162. Doctor, I can't see. I-I understand.

163. When do I get my eyesight back? I want it back! You said it was coming back!

164. It is. What time do you have there?

165. What do you mean, "there"? What time zone are you in?

166. Never mind. What are you talking about!

167. It's gonna come back.

168. I want it back now! You said it was coming back!

169. Hold on. Yes, Mr. Sullivan, I'll be right there. Look...

170. Why are you whispering?

171. Because I have people here.

172. Where are you? I'm at my other job.

173. What other job? I have to go!

174. I thought you were an eye doctor!

175. I am! Don't ever call me at this number again.

176. Wait. Wait.

177. Oh my god!

178. How am I gonna get to work? I gotta get to work.

179. I can't see... aahh!

180. Coach? Brendan. Don't drink the chocolate milk.

181. It's gone... bad.

182. Hey guys, I've traced back the lineage of Peepopo, my ferret.

183. His family's been through quite a lot.

184. Really? How do you know all that?

185. Uh, contacted the ferret breeder. He has detailed records.

186. Wow. Did you know that Peepopo is from the Ukraine?

187. No. Yeah, but his family came over on the slow boat.

188. Really? Why'd they do that? Uh, to escape communism.

189. And they settled in St. Louis in the '40s. Wow.

190. Anyway, Peepopo had more brothers and sisters,

191. but they were put away because they carried the Ebola virus.

192. Wow. Which wiped out St. Louis in the '60s.

193. - If our families are only as interesting. - Yeah.

194. Well, I mean, your families are, you know... not ferrets.

195. He's got a point Guess you're right.

196. I can't get anything out of my dad. Every time I ask

197. him about my mother's side he starts acting all weird.

198. What do you mean? He starts laughing and crying and laughing and crying...

199. He just wants attention. Why not just call her yourself?

200. - Yeah. - Okay. I'll do that.

201. You know something, Melissa? Nobody's gonna know your family history.

202. Just make up the whole thing.

203. Yeah, who cares about family trees, anyway?

204. - It's Wednesday. - Chocolate Milk Day!

205. What the hell? This is horrible!

206. Please don't drink the chocolate milk.

207. It's gone bad. I repeat, the chocolate milk has gone bad.

208. Guys. This is so weird.

209. Uh. Coach! You're psychic!

210. You are psychic, did you know that?

211. Of course you do, you're psychic.

212. I'm telling a psychic he's psychic...

213. It's because you went blind. Yeah.

214. Right, Brendan told us about the whole chocolate milk thing

215. and you predicted it... It happened, Coach! It happened!

216. It happened! Right. You're like a wizard.

217. Coach, this is amazing. Listen, we have a lot to do.

218. First, we need to use your powers to fight crime.

219. Definitely. Duh. You know?

220. What'm I gonna do when I grow up? Who'm I gonna marry?

221. Where will I live? Am I gonna be a famous composer?

222. Composer? Really? Yeah.

223. I play recorder. When's our next pop quiz?

224. Uh... Coach, can you give us the answers to the homework?

225. What is the number of the hotel in Tunisia where my parents are staying?

226. Coach? And where is Tunisia?

227. I think he's asleep with his eyes open.

228. I am a robotic doctor, my friend.

229. And I'd like a taste of your vein.

230. If I make you a robot like me, which you practically are,

231. then they'll put my picture on the very front page.

232. Run away, Timmy, until you can't run anymore!

233. Yippee! Yay!

234. This is the best day of our life.

235. What are you guys doing here?

236. We're gonna be millionaires!

237. We just found out. Coach McGuirk just told us our fortunes.

238. Wait. What, he did?

239. Yeah, and it only cost us $20.

240. Everybody heard you guys talking about him going blind and becoming psychic.

241. He's charging you to hear your fortune?

242. Yeah. You better do it quick. The line is getting long.

243. Yay! Yippee!

244. Brendon? Loan me $20.

245. How's my husband? I see a mustache.

246. Yes. Did he have a mustache?

247. He did. And boots. He was a working man.

248. He did work. Yeah.

249. I see water. Is there water?

250. He was afraid of water.

251. Right. Yes. And he die... He's dead, right? Yes.

252. He passed on. He loves you very much.

253. He does? Yes.

254. Will you give him a message for me? Sure. What is it?

255. I found another man. Oh, that's nice.

256. Twenty bucks, please. Thank you.

257. You're a great man. All right, get out. Next!

258. I think my partner's embezzling from me. Am I right?

259. Yeah, I guess so. That's 20 bucks. Next.

260. How can I catch this guy? Keep the line moving. Next?

261. Hi. How will I die? Can you foresee that?

262. Yes. Come here, let me touch your head.

263. You're gonna die peacefully in your sleep.

264. Oh. Yeah, it's gonna be nice.

265. Unfortunately, it's gonna be soon. Oh.

266. Twenty bucks. Next!

267. Okay. This guy's still alive and he's our second or third uncle.

268. And he's out of prison now.

269. Well, that's good. At least he's out.

270. Instead of tarnishing the family name.

271. Yeah, but he's technically on probation.

272. Good to know we come from good stock.

273. Yes, it is. Most of them seem to be carnies.

274. Or on the lam. I feel like not including them in the family tree.

275. I wouldn't object. So what do we got?

276. You, me, your father, stepmother, grandparents and sister.

277. My sister. What do we really know about her?

278. She hasn't been to prison yet.

279. We don't really know that, do we?

280. There were two days where I lost her. Yes.

281. Brendon? Outside. What?

282. Big drama outside pronto.

283. I can't make the tree work.

284. I don't know what to put down.

285. Somebody doesn't have a good family.

286. I know, okay? That's the problem.

287. I don't know what to put down.

288. Just calm down. It's okay. I can't calm down.

289. Look at all these branches. They're blank.

290. I don't know what they expect with this stupid project.

291. It's just... It's just an assignment, Melissa. It's no big deal.

292. What happened to making the whole thing up? What happened to that idea?

293. She tried, Brendon, but her made-up family wasn't believable.

294. Melissa, you put down Cinderella as your mother and the Lion King as your father.

295. Mm hmm. Jason, get some paper and an Entertainment Weekly.

296. Let's do this right. What am I, your intern?

297. Just do it, Jason. Sorry.

298. You sleeping in my bed now?

299. I'm blind. I have no idea where I am.

300. Looks like you made a lot of money today.

301. Yeah. Turns out psychics make a lot of money.

302. Let me ask you something. How do you see the visions?

303. Does it come to you in a metaphor? Does it come in a weird acronym?

304. Basically, it's fairly easy. I make 'em up.

305. You make it up? Well, people will believe anything.

306. Wait. I know you're psychic. You predicted the chocolate milk.

307. No, I just told you about it.

308. The lunch lady told me to put away the milk.

309. I forgot, left it in the sun. It went bad. I told you about it.

310. Wait, so you're not even psychic?

311. Course not. You insane?

312. But I told everybody you were. This is embarrassing.

313. It's not embarrassing. I'm making money.

314. And keep your mouth shut because I'm doing a big seance,

315. which means more money, and don't need you wrecking it.

316. I can't even look at you right now.

317. Hey, gimme that. What the hell is this? You're reading a magazine?

318. Yeah, I like magazines. You're supposed to be blind!

319. Shh! That's absolutely despicable. You make me sick.

320. Coach, when'd you get your sight back?

321. It's immaterial, Brendon. When did you get your sight back?

322. I was blind for a little while.

323. Were you blind when we took off your bandages? Uh, yes.

324. Were you blind when you broke my fish tank? No.

325. Okay. Were you blind when you peed all over the hallway?

326. No. Were you drunk?

327. Yes. Now we're getting somewhere.

328. Can I pinpoint a time that I have not been blind and drunk?

329. Mm hmm. No.

330. Well, how's your vision now? It's pretty great.

331. Let me tell you something.

332. I'm not gonna tell about you being a fraud, but I want 50% of everything you made today

333. and everything you're gonna make at the seance. Whoa, Brendon.

334. Yes, 50%. What happened to the holier-than-thou,

335. I was doing the wrong thing attitude from a minute ago?

336. Now you want my money. Couple minutes ago I didn't know you were a fraud.

337. I see. I like your style. You're a liar and a cheat.

338. That's cool. I'll give you 10%. Five.

339. Okay. You just went down, by the way. What?

340. You just went down. I did?

341. I offered you ten. You said five.

342. I meant to say... 20? Probably.

343. Ladies and gentlemen,

344. before we bring out the psychic, we ask that...

345. Please keep your table talk down to a minimum.

346. And turn off all cell phones and pagers.

347. And now... we give you... the blind prophet!

348. I feel that I'm being pulled in this direction.

349. Did someone over here lose a loved one?

350. Hmm? How 'bout over here?

351. I'm getting a strong feeling from... here?

352. Here.

353. Say between here and here. Anyone?

354. Between this hand and this hand, going all the way back.

355. No. So you mean to tell me that in this room full of people, no one...

356. You don't know anyone who's died?

357. No one. Nothing.

358. Look. It is statistically impossible that no one here

359. knows someone who died.

360. All right. Who wants me to channel some dead celebrities? How 'bout that?

361. Ooh. That'd be fun, huh? All right, here we go.

362. Mmm. I'm Ji... I, uh, I'm Jimmy Stewart.

363. I miss you. I miss doing movies. I gotta go.

364. Hey, pilgrim. What're you doin'?

365. I miss doin' movies and I'm John Wayne.

366. Ask not what your country can do for you.

367. Ask what you can do for your country.

368. That's some wacky, wild stuff. I'm Johnny Carson.

369. I'm Zeus, God of lightning and thunder.

370. I'm Jimmy Cagney. Be good to yourselves, you dirty rats.

371. It's all right. It's all right.

372. It's all right. It's all right.

373. Now, does anyone have a question for...

374. King Arthur of the Round Table?

375. How about you over there in the blue?

376. Hey, Mr. McGuirk, I thought you were supposed to be blind.

377. I am. I'm blind. I thought you were King Arthur.

378. I am King Arthur. How come you answered when I called you McGuirk?

379. Because I thought you said King Arthur.

380. This guy's a phony. I want my money back.

381. - Hey, hey, hey. - Boo.

382. Hold on, everybody. Hold on. Just relax.

383. I can explain this whole thing.

384. Let me just make my way... to this door.

385. Because there is something outside this door

386. that will explain everything.

387. Okay? See you later.

388. I have something to tell you guys about Peepopo my ferret's family tree.

389. Yeah? It's crap.

390. You know what else? Peepopo escaped a year ago.

391. I don't know that I had a ferret in the first place.

392. I think he was imaginary. Then how could he...

393. I don't think there even is such a thing as ferrets.

394. All right. Sorry.

395. - It's okay, Jason. - Yeah, it's all right.

396. We didn't really believe you anyway. Here's the weird part.

397. Jason's imaginary ferret had a bigger family than ours. Look at this. Right, Mom?

398. Yeah, but that's not bad. Having a small family's a good thing, Brendon.

399. We don't have to send out a lot of Christmas cards.

400. I guess so. I like our intimate little group.

401. What are you going to put for Josie?

402. Well, you know, she's adopted. Mm hmm.

403. Her parents wanted to remain anonymous, so what do you do?

404. Yeah, but... We have suspicions.

405. Don Ho and Eartha Kitt. How can it not be? Look at her.

406. Like Don Ho and Eartha Kitt.

407. Who'd you end up deciding on for parents, Melissa?

408. Hi, everyone, and welcome to my family tree.

409. My life is great. As you can see here, my mother is the beautiful princess Cinderella.

410. You may know her from such films as Cinderella.

411. She and my father met shortly after he left the WWF

412. and just before being elected the first independent governor of Minnesota.

413. I have seven brothers. Their names are Happy, Sleepy,

414. Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Lumpy and Stu.

415. And my uncle, Hulk Hogan, comes over every week to read me bedtime stories.

416. This is a reenactment of Peepopo's cross the Atlantic adventure

417. coming to the New World to escape the Red Menace.

418. Welcome to Ellis Island. What's your name?

419. Peepopowitz. Well, in America you're just Peepopo.

420. Where are you from? Ukraine.

421. All right. Get in line with the other ferrets.

422. Where are my bags? I don't know.

423. Okay. I love America.

424. Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA