1. Coach, can you sign
this get-well card?
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2. Not right now, Melissa.
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3. It's for Brendon.
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4. What's the matter?
Is he sick?
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5. No, his knee.
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6. Remember, last week
he twisted his knee,
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7. you told him to walk it off
and he collapsed in pain?
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8. Oh yeah, that was funny.
Now he's laid up,
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9. and it'd be nice to bring
him a get-well card.
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10. That is nice.
Will you sign it?
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11. No, I'm reading.
What are you reading?
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12. I'm reading a pamphlet.
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13. Can't you put it down
for two seconds?
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14. No, it's important.
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15. What is it?
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16. I'm getting my doctorate.
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17. Really?
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18. In the art of bartending,
or what they call mixology.
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19. It's not as easy as you think.
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20. Lot of training goes into that.
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21. How long is the course?
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22. It's two nights.
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23. Wow.
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24. Yeah, but you get a degree.
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25. It's not really a degree as
much as it is a certificate,
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26. but it's authenticated by
the government or something.
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27. Are you gonna quit soccer?
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28. Well, I mean, eventually.
Does that make you sad?
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29. A little bit.
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30. Really?
Yeah?
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31. You like this?
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32. Hmm. Could you just
sign the card?
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33. Um, yeah. Fine.
Let me see it.
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34. "Dear Brendon..."
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35. What do you usually
write, "Get well?"
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36. Yeah, "Get well soon,"
"Hope you feel better."
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37. "What's up, idiot?"
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38. "Love... "not "love."
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39. Don't scribble it out.
It'll look messy.
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40. What do I write
in place of that?
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41. Keep "love."
It's all right.
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42. "Lone." I'll
put "lone."
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43. Okay.
"Lone, Coach McGuirk."
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44. Okay. Thanks, Coach.
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45. I'm not done yet.
I know, but...
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46. "P.S. Going to
bartending school,
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47. "so when you get old enough
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48. "come by my bar, buddy.
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49. Love..."
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50. Oh, damnit.
Thanks, Coach.
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51. Hey, Brendon.
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52. It's Melissa.
What? Oh, hey.
Hey, guys.
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53. And Jason.
Hi, Brendon.
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54. How are you
feeling today?
Thanks for coming over.
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55. I have your homework.
Should I put it in the pile?
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56. Oh, mm-hm.
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57. I brought you a card.
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58. Really?
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59. I got the whole team to sign it.
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60. I'm not on the team
but I signed it.
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61. Let me see this thing.
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62. See a couple of names.
McGuirk, long-winded thing,
not reading it.
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63. "Happy Birthday,
from Jeremy."
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64. Does he think it's my birthday?
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65. Not everyone remembered
that you hurt your knee.
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66. I hurt it pretty bad.
I nearly cried.
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67. I'd say, pretty close to nearly.
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68. Shh!
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69. I brought you something too.
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70. What's that?
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71. That's my dad's beard trimmer.
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72. Thanks.
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73. He doesn't use it anymore
and it's in a nice case.
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74. I thought it'd make
a nice gift for you.
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75. Yeah, mm-hm.
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76. Oh, boy.
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77. Should we talk about
the movie, Brendon?
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78. Yes.
Would you like us to get
you anything to drink?
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79. Do you want me to call someone,
like your mom or a doctor?
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80. Or a hospital?
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
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81. You're shivering.
Does anyone
check on you?
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82. I really have to go
to the bathroom.
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83. Like a halfway house here.
Where's your mom?
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84. I cried wolf a few
too many times
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85. and she took my bell away.
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86. I'm gonna crack the window,
get a little circulation.
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87. Yeah, it's a little
stuffy in here.
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88. Wheow.
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89. What did you just say?
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90. Did you just say "wheow"?
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91. Wheow. Wheow.
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92. What does that mean?
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93. It's my new saying
that I invented.
You like it?
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94. Not really.
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95. A lot of people of do.
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96. Oh, oh!
I know, I know.
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97. Right here!
Right here's perfect!
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98. What?
We shoot the whole movie
here in the bedroom.
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99. That solves all the problems.
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100. It's not a great idea, Brendon.
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101. How are we going to shoot a film
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102. about a talking horse
in your bedroom?
That's crazy.
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103. Wait... Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just call me crazy?
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104. Yeah.
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105. So, remember, we
use colored water
to make drinks
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106. because it's a heck of a lot
cheaper than using real booze.
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107. Oh, that's horrible.
Where's the real booze?
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108. I guess you weren't listening.
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109. We don't use real alcohol yet.
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110. Huh.
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111. Mind if I...?
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112. No, go ahead.
Teach me, Teach.
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113. Let me introduce you to
somebody that I've known
for quite a long time.
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114. Folks, say hello to R.O.B.
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115. What's R.O.B.?
It's the Rules
of Bartending.
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116. The first rule
of bartending is this.
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117. "G.B.T.B."
"Go Beyond the Book."
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118. Go beyond the book!
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119. See these books you bought?
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120. Get rid of 'em.
Throw 'em out.
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121. You made us buy 'em.
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122. You're not gonna need it.
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123. It was $45 for the book.
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124. What do you mean,
"Throw it out?"
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125. Second rule is "A.F.A."
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126. What's that?
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127. Hold on, let me get the book.
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128. A.F.A. That's not
right. Hold on.
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129. I have a question, sir.
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130. Yes?
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131. I have a question.
How do you make
a Manhattan?
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132. Manhattan?
Yeah.
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133. We're gonna get
to that later on,
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134. because this class here
is not about mixing drinks.
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135. Any old Joe could put
a Manhattan together.
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136. What you're gonna
do is making something
more than drinks.
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137. Right, but what are
the ingredients
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138. that you put in a Manhattan?
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139. You're gonna learn
that later on.
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140. Do we eventually get
another teacher?
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141. Are you here for the day
or are you the whole class?
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142. I'm afraid we're
stuck with each other.
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143. Let me backtrack.
I paid $145 for this
two-day seminar.
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144. Yes. Um-hmm.
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145. Can I get my money back?
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146. Hold on...
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147. No.
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148. Is that your wife?
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149. What the hell's going on?
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150. Yikes!
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151. Good morning, Brendon.
Breakfast.
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152. Thank you, Mom.
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153. How's the knee?
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154. Terrific. I think
something weird happened
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155. over there at the new
neighbors' last night.
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156. I don't know what
it was but I saw
something strange.
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157. What are you talking about?
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158. I was looking out
the window and...
Brendon!
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159. And something weird
was going on.
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160. Don't be looking in
other people's windows!
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161. That's not polite.
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162. He didn't see me.
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163. Especially when they're just
moving into the neighborhood.
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164. What are they gonna
think about us?
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165. "We better watch our step.
These people are watching us."
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166. You shouldn't spy on people.
You wouldn't want someone
looking over at you.
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167. Well, I like attention.
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168. Okay, give me the binoculars.
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169. No, they're mine.
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170. They're not even good.
They hardly work.
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171. Hey!
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172. You need to get
out of this room.
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173. I'm going to the grocery store
later. You should come.
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174. It's just your knee. You can
get out for an hour or so.
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175. No, no.
You can ride in
that little basket.
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176. I'm all set.
I'll carry you
like a little doll.
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177. As tempting and embarrassing
as that sounds, no thank you.
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178. Eat your breakfast and
stop looking in other
people's windows, okay?
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179. Bah.
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180. Do some homework.
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181. I will. I'm totally
almost going to.
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182. Perfect. I'll see you
when I get back.
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183. Excuse me. Could you
help me, ma'am?
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184. I can't, for the life of me,
locate the parmesan cheese.
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185. Oh, yeah, the shakey cheese.
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186. "The shakey cheese."
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187. I have kids. We call it
"the shakey cheese."
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188. How wonderful.
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189. I think it's in the spice aisle.
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190. "Spice aisle,"
which would be...?
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191. Aisle number seven.
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192. It's got cinnamon and sugar
in the teddy bear.
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193. Josie loves that.
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194. Yes. Well, you seem to be
quite a colorful character.
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195. Raymond Burley.
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196. Oh. Paula Small.
Nice to meet you.
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197. Wait a minute.
Forgive me, but I think
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198. I moved in behind your house.
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199. Oh, yeah. Hi.
You're... Of course.
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200. Yeah, no, I heard
the new... Well, welcome
to the neighborhood.
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201. Paula!
Oh. Hey, John.
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202. Hey, what are you doing here?
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203. You need some help?
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204. Me?
You want a basket?
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205. No, baskets are for wusses.
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206. Ah, machismo. Last gasp
of the Neanderthal.
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207. Raymond Burley.
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208. Geez, watch your feet.
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209. John, this is my
new neighbor Raymond.
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210. Clean-up on aisle two.
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211. Raymond just moved
into the neighborhood.
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212. Raymond, this is John McGuirk.
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213. Nice to meet you, John.
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214. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Ray, you drink?
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215. Occasionally.
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216. I'm gonna be a bartender,
gonna open my own bar.
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217. So, you know, buying some stuff.
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218. Well, maybe we'll have like
a mixer in the neighborhood.
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219. Yeah, that sounds like fun.
I'd bartend your mixer.
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220. Oh.
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221. So, anyway...
This is
pleasantly awkward.
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222. Woops. Sorry.
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223. Hey, Brendon...
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224. Brendon, what... Brendon!
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225. What?
What do you think?
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226. Wanna know what I think?
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227. I think there's been a murder.
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228. A murder? Wheow.
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229. What are you talking about?
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230. Last night, I'm pretty
sure I saw an argument
and there was a tussle.
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231. A tussle?
A tussle.
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232. What is a tussle?
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233. I think my new neighbor
killed his wife.
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234. This is silly. You
don't have any proof.
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235. Did you say "poof?"
"Proof!"
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236. Wheow!
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237. The whole "wheow" thing,
it's getting annoying.
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238. The "poof" thing is
a little annoying too.
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239. Wheow.
I said "proof."
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240. Clean out your ears.
Clean out your mouth.
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241. Clean up your attitude.
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242. Oh, Brendon?
Yeah?
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243. My dad wants his
beard trimmer back.
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244. All right, here we go.
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245. What do I need a stupid
bartending school for?
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246. I can teach myself right here.
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247. Let's see who drops into
McGuirk's bar tonight.
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248. Judy. Cute. Waiting for
her roommate, Alicia.
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249. All right, let's do it.
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250. Welcome to McGuirk's.
What can I... Woops.
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251. Girls, what can I get you?
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252. Sex on the Beach?
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253. I'll have that too,
but the real one.
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254. You name the beach
and I'll have sex on it.
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255. Sex on the Beach
coming right up.
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256. Just give me a minute here.
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257. Sex on the Beach.
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258. "Sex on Ice. Sex on the
Driveway. Sex on the Beach."
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259. Vodka. I was right.
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260. Vodka. So what do you
do for a living?
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261. Stripper!
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262. Wow, that must be tough work.
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263. God, I'm drunk.
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264. All right, here you go.
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265. Give it a try.
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266. That's awful.
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267. Oh my God, I screwed it up.
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268. Oh, your roommate's
here. Alicia.
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269. Nice to meet ya, Aleetcha.
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270. What are you drinking?
Something easy, I hope.
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271. A Kamikaze.
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272. All right, can do that.
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273. You two talk amongst
yourselves and one
kamikaze is coming up.
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274. Ooh, my God.
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275. Let me make you
a specialty of the house.
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276. How about that?
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277. Some of my own ideas.
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278. That's the
"Yeast Infection,"
rum and milk.
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279. Or make you a "Dirty Frenchman,"
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280. wine with olive juice.
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281. What are you doing?
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282. Who moves furniture
at 3:00 in the morning?
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283. Wheow.
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284. Did I just say "wheow"?
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285. Huh. Huh, huh.
Let's do another drink.
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286. Pour some whiskey...
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287. What's left in here?
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288. Mustard.
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289. Add a little ice
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290. and some milk
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291. and some parsley.
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292. There's a pimento on the floor.
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293. Boom!
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294. Suck it down.
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295. That's good.
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296. It's the hot mustard.
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297. If what I think I saw last
night is still what I think,
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298. in that trunk I think
there might be a body.
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299. So, the person you think
he might've murdered
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300. is maybe in the trunk you
think you saw him moving?
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301. Is there anything you saw
that doesn't have "think"
in front of it?
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302. I don't think so.
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303. So there may not be
a trunk, a murder or a guy.
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304. Hold on, let me clarify.
I think there may not be.
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305. That answer your question?
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306. I don't remember what
my question was.
Not really.
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307. His car is gone.
He left.
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308. There's nobody there.
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309. If I can only sneak over there
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310. and see what's
inside that trunk,
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311. then we would answer
all these questions.
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312. About this possible murder.
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313. About this definite
possible murder.
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314. That you maybe saw.
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315. That I maybe think I saw.
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316. So, do you have to go over now?
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317. I'd love to go, but my knee.
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318. Right, and you have
a horse costume on.
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319. I'll go.
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320. Jason, come
with me.
What?
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321. No, no.
Okay, it's settled.
You two go.
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322. I can't.
We'll set up
a signal.
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323. If the guy comes back,
I'll pull the shade down,
like this.
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324. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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325. That's reassuring.
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326. Okay, look around, Melissa.
Where's Jason?
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327. Don't goof off, guys.
Come on, find the trunk.
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328. Find the trunk.
Where's Jason?
Where's Jason?
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329. What are you doing over here?
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330. You're supposed
to be with Melissa.
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331. Want a rice cake?
No.
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332. You're supposed to be
in there with Melissa.
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333. I went downstairs.
I told you I wasn't going.
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334. I don't blame you.
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335. I can't believe
she's in there, huh?
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336. She's crazy.
She's gonna get arrested.
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337. I told her not to go.
And I told her to go.
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338. - Women.
- Women.
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339. Oh, no! He's back!
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340. Wheow. Let's give
her the signal.
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341. Oh, dear.
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342. Wheow, wheow!
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343. Wheow, wheow!
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344. What are you doing?
The signal.
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345. Why are you doing it at me?
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346. 'Cause she's all
the way down there.
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347. Wheow!
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348. Wheow!
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349. Wheow! Wheow!
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350. Oh, boy.
What's she doing?
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351. I think she's learning to fly.
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352. Why is she flapping her...
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353. Hello?
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354. What happened to the signal?
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355. Brendon, he's gonna kill me!
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356. He's gonna kill me!
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357. Uh-oh.
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358. This isn't going well.
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359. He hears her.
I can't watch.
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360. He's in the room!
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361. I don't want to hear.
La la la la la la la.
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362. She got out! Yay!
All right, Melissa!
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363. Okay, ouch. That's
a little tight.
Sorry.
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364. I'm not saying it's bad,
it's just a little tight.
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365. I thought we were...
It's fine.
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366. Ow!
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367. You're supposed to be
pulling the thorns out.
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368. I thought you
pushed them through.
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369. Melissa, you are awesome.
Were you scared in there?
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370. No, not a whole lot.
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371. You looked scared
when you called and
you were screaming.
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372. Where did I look scared from,
from the safety of your home?
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373. You looked terrified.
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374. That was the last
time I thought I'd
ever talk to you.
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375. Oh, no.
What?
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376. My cell phone.
Where's my cell phone?
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377. Oh, no!
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378. It's on the windowsill.
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379. Hey, kids, we have a guest
for dinner tonight.
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380. I'm sorry about
the rude reception.
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381. Quite all right, Paula.
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382. Sometimes my kids just... Kids!
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383. Well, Brendon's mine
and these are his friends.
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384. Yes.
Well, anyway.
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385. So, let's say
dinner at 6:00?
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386. Splendid. Six it is.
I insist on bringing
the wine.
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387. Fine.
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388. I happen to know
a killer cabernet.
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389. Oh, sounds great.
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390. Excellent.
Okay.
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391. I'll let myself out.
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392. All right.
Ciao, ciao.
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393. Bye-bye.
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394. Are you crazy?
He's a murderer!
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395. What?
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396. You invited him in,
so he can't be stopped.
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397. You're thinking
of a vampire, Jason.
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398. Or a Jehovah's Witness.
Or both.
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399. Whatever.
He's a murderer.
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400. I'm sorry to interrupt,
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401. but how rude of me
to presume red.
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402. Is red wine okay, Paula?
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403. No, it's perfect.
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404. I do also know
a chardonnay that
is to die for.
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405. Oh, no, red's fine.
I'm making lasagna.
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406. Well, then,
splendid fit.
Lasagna, red.
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407. Okay.
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408. Au revoir.
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409. He's a murderer, Mom.
He killed his wife.
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410. Me again.
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411. Killer house, by the way, Paula.
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412. Oh, thank you.
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413. Absolutely murderous.
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414. Yes, thank you very much.
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415. Yes. Ta ta.
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416. Ta ta.
Tally-ho.
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417. Don't be ridiculous, Brendon.
He's not a murderer.
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418. He's new in town, been
married seven years.
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419. He's a professor,
for crying out loud.
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420. Where's his wife now?
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421. She's in Greece.
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422. Probably up to her neck in it.
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423. She's Greek. Her family
lives in Greece.
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424. She's arriving in
a couple of days.
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425. If you were married to
someone for seven years,
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426. wouldn't you have their
picture on your night table?
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427. Well, you know, just my opinion,
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428. but some Greek women,
they're not that attractive,
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429. with the facial hair and all.
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430. He doesn't have any pictures.
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431. I'm Greek.
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432. How do you know?
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433. I'm just guessing.
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434. Did you sneak into his house?
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435. "Sneak" is such a strong word.
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436. Are you kids out of your minds?
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437. What were you thinking?
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438. Mom, cancel the dinner, please!
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439. Please, Mrs. Small,
you have to cancel.
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440. Still a little stung
about the Greek thing.
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441. I am not canceling the dinner.
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442. You kids are gonna
have to stop spying
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443. and calm down and stop
being so ridiculous.
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444. By the way, Coach
McGuirk's coming too.
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445. Coach Mc...
Really? Why?
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446. He wants to be our bartender.
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447. When Burley comes
over for dinner,
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448. I'm gonna go and get
my cell phone,
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449. but you guys have to make sure
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450. he doesn't leave
until I get back.
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451. If he wants to leave,
there's no way
we can stop him.
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452. I just said you have to!
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453. I understand, but if
he wants to leave...
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454. We won't let him leave
until you come back.
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455. Thank you.
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456. Unless he wants to.
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457. Make sure he doesn't
leave until I get back.
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458. Listen, can we
finish this scene?
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459. Breathing's not
easy in this thing.
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460. I don't know how
horses do it. Action!
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461. I just... I can't.
I mean, I will someday,
but not now.
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462. There's an old saying, Jenny,
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463. that if you fall off a horse,
you should get right back on,
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464. and I think it applies to you
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465. because you really
and truly fell off a horse.
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466. I know, but...
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467. You're scared.
I understand.
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468. Quit it.
I can't breathe.
Talk faster.
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469. He said he was jealous.
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470. That's why he threw
me off yesterday.
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471. I can't breathe.
Your horse...
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472. Yes, yes, yes.
My horse can talk.
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473. He's driving me crazy.
Can't breathe.
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474. Are you beating that thing?
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475. Your mom tells me
you kids think your
neighbor killed someone.
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476. Oh, yeah.
Mm-hm.
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477. I love it.
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478. Who needs a refill?
Anybody? I'm open.
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479. I'll have a little more wine.
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480. All right. Step up.
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481. Red or white?
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482. The red's fi...
Or do you want a mix?
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483. Yeah, that's good.
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484. Give ya a red-white mix.
Perfect.
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485. You want ice in that?
No, just wine is good.
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486. Throw an orange wedge
in that. There's a stick.
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487. You learned a lot
at school, Coach.
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488. Yeah. Anybody else?
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489. How's your meal?
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490. Of course, my internal
clock has been way off,
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491. and I've been waking up
at ungodly hours.
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492. Then, of course, I hate my wife.
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493. Does it show?
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494. Nope.
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495. I work a lot and she doesn't.
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496. She nit-picks,
pecking away at me
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497. with that shrill voice.
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498. Brendon, why don't you go
get a drink from the bar?
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499. Um, okay.
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500. I guess the only thing I have
left really is my hobbies.
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501. If it weren't for them,
I think I would perish.
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502. He killed her, definitely.
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503. I'm going over there to
get my cell phone back.
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504. Make sure he doesn't
leave until I get back.
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505. You mean, Coach?
No, Burley.
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506. Hey, everyone. I have
to go to the bathroom.
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507. This could be a while.
Don't wait for me.
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508. That was good.
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509. So, kill anyone lately?
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510. Pardon me?
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511. Nothing.
What'll ya have?
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512. I'll have a Sex on the Beach.
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513. Give that a whirl.
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514. Oh, no. Really?
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515. Um, that one... That one's tough.
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516. How about a beer?
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517. Sex on the Beach,
bartender. Please.
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518. All right, coming up.
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519. I believe this is a beer.
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520. No, that's a Sex on the Beach.
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521. But it's a beer.
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522. It's a Sex on the Beach.
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523. But I'm tasting it.
It's a beer.
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524. Well, you're wrong.
I'm a bartender.
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525. I think I know what I'm doing.
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526. Sex on the Beach.
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527. I'll make you another one
if you don't like that one.
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528. Let me see it.
Thank you.
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529. There we go.
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530. Another Sex on the Beach.
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531. Sir, I saw you open
a can of beer
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532. and pour it into a glass
and put ice cubes in it.
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533. And then an umbrella.
That is not
Sex on the Beach.
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534. I implore you, make me
a Sex on the Beach.
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535. All right. Send it back,
I'll make you another one.
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536. It's a big waste
of Sex on the Beach.
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537. Sir?
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538. The trunk.
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539. Now I guess I will leave.
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540. Wonderful dinner, Paula.
Nice to meet
your dirty children.
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541. Did you really like it?
No.
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542. Oh.
Good night.
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543. Jason, Melissa's not
back yet. We can't
let him leave.
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544. But if he wants
to leave, we can't...
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545. We need a plan to
keep him here, okay?
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546. Let's...
Let's think of something.
Come on.
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547. Let's kill him.
Okay. No. Then we'll be
no better than him.
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548. Let's grab onto his legs.
That's a little obvious.
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549. What are you doing?
Nothing. Just relax.
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550. If you don't mind,
I'm trying to leave.
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551. That's okay. Don't
worry about it.
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552. Yeah, it's cool.
Hey, Brendon.
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553. Hey, Jason.
What are you doing
over there?
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554. Hanging out.
Um, Paula...
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555. Open. Come on,
ya damn trunk.
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556. Please, I must go.
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557. What? Come on. We're
just having fun.
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558. Yeah, we're kids.
Right.
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559. We're having fun.
Pretend to be our dad.
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560. Yeah, pretend to be our dad.
I don't want to...
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561. Come on! Pretend
to be our dad.
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562. Be our dad for a second.
We haven't seen you
in a long time.
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563. That's coming from my house.
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564. Take that, you stupid...
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565. Good God.
Melissa, stop it.
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566. Melissa, what happened here?
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567. I'm sorry. I thought
it was your wife's
dead head.
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568. Shim-sham.
Why are you beating it up?
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569. Good point.
Raymond, I'm so sorry
about all the trouble.
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570. They're kids.
They thought you
murdered your wife.
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571. You people are crazy.
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572. I'm calling the police
and having you all arrested.
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573. Let me get this straight.
You're a ventriloquist?
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574. My name is Shim-sham.
What's yours?
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575. Brendon. But your lips
are moving.
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576. Shim-sham, now's not the time.
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577. But I wanna do a show!
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578. We're not doing
a show now, Shim-sham.
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579. You're an idiot!
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580. - Shim-sham, please don't...
- You don't!
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581. - Shim-sh...
- Shim-sham!
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582. - Shim-sham, ple...
- Shim-shample...
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583. We live next to
a ventriloquist.
This is amazing!
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584. Brendon, we have to go home.
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585. I'm gonna be here
every day,
watching him.
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586. Hey, kid, where you from?
I'm from right next door.
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587. - Okay, let's go, kids.
- Ooh, that must be great.
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588. Okay, Ray...
Shim-sham, please,
he's just a young boy.
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589. - Don't yell at him.
- I'm not a dummy.
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590. - What?
- You're the dummy.
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591. I'm not a dummy.
You're a dummy.
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592. This guy's a real ass.
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593. It's not me.
It's Shim-sham.
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594. - Get back in the box.
- You get in the box.
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595. - Get in the box!
- You get in the box.
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596. - No, you get in the box.
- No, you get...
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597. Closed-Captioned by
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
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