Home 2x5

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As she prepares for the worst at school, Katy's self-loathing is matched only by John's fury and Sami's despair. Everyone is looking for a way out, but when did running away ever solve anything?

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1. This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

2. How long since your interview? 182 days.

3. And you still haven't heard? The suspense is killing me.

4. Peter, we're letting you go.

5. Tell me what is wrong. I lost my job.

6. I need to do something.

7. No-one's fucked you in years.

8. A 15-year-old boy has accused me of groping him.

9. It's your father, John. What does he want?

10. If it's because I cut off the mortgage repayments...

11. Absolutely not.

12. Elliot has not been here for a long time, John.

13. Maybe don't get his hopes up. You can talk.

14. You left your family, too.

15. He's just like his mum. All he wants

16. is to fall into the arms of a man who'll tell him

17. everything's going to be all right.

18. Heard you got some action last night.

19. Sorry?

20. Date.

21. You went on a date. Oh!

22. Yes. A little one.

23. Good for you.

24. Or, get in!

25. As a man on Sunday Brunch would say.

26. Get in. Yes.

27. I can't remember the last time we went on a date night. Mm.

28. It was sometime between Baby Shark and the proroguing of Parliament,

29. which would probably spice things up a bit, eh?

30. Could you pass the coffee, please? Of course.

31. I actually, um...

32. .. went to the pharmacy yesterday,

33. to buy some Viagra.

34. And the chemist said to me,

35. "Did you know, for £20, you can get it over the counter?"

36. I said, "That is a bold claim!

37. "Here's £50, strap a feather duster to it,

38. "I'll do the tops of your shelves."

39. Do the tops of your shelves! Ho-ho! I'm wasted here!

40. I'm wasted here.

41. He knows. No, he doesn't.

42. And John? He's not talking to me.

43. Katy, it was nothing.

44. It was nothing. Let's not talk about it, then.

45. But I think we need to. No, we don't. It didn't happen.

46. It's Google+, it's Madonna falling over at the Brits.

47. I... I just want to say how sorry I am.

48. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about,

49. and this conversation is finished.

50. Today's my case hearing at school,

51. so I really need to save all my regret and self-loathing for that.

52. Yes.

53. Excuse me.

54. You do not have to say anything.

55. I'm just going to sit right here.

56. I will not pretend it did not happen.

57. You can't. I saw it. Yes.

58. I can't forget it. It's in there.

59. Like your nine times table. Yeah.

60. Nine times six?

61. See? The thing you think is important, it goes.

62. It fades. 54.

63. But you had to think about it.

64. There's a trick with the nine times table.

65. Both numbers always add up to nine.

66. 36, 45, 54.

67. It's a cheat. I did not know that.

68. You never forget a cheat.

69. It was a mistake, John.

70. Make them with your family,

71. not mine.

72. I'm so sorry.

73. I'm too young for this.

74. John?

75. Hey.

76. Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing? You have school.

77. Put your uniform on. I'm going to stay with my dad for a few days.

78. I didn't know about this.

79. Did you know about this? I didn't know about this.

80. Please go to school, John. Listen, mate.

81. We're all trying really hard to keep this ship afloat, OK?

82. I need you to cooperate.

83. So drop the attitude, do what your mum says.

84. Monica, I am done waiting. Khalas, no more!

85. Let's get busy now, huh? Busy-whizzy.

86. Sami, you're doing so well,

87. but I told you, the asylum process is a queue.

88. You know, this queue,

89. it feels a lot like a fucking circle. I want an answer now.

90. Please don't use language like that.

91. Apology accepted. No hard feelings.

92. What is the name of the man who did my interview?

93. I can go see him in Croydon. No, it doesn't work like that.

94. Well, then, tell me how it works, Monica!

95. Well, he doesn't handle it any more.

96. Your case has very likely been passed down the chain.

97. Somebody else in Croydon? Well, probably Bootle.

98. Bootle? It's near Liverpool.

99. Then maybe I should tootle off to Bootle.

100. Sami, I really don't think...

101. No, you really don't, do you?

102. What's wrong?

103. Just spoke to my lawyer. No, there's something else.

104. Did you bring sexy back?

105. Who?

106. I'll take the identity of this woman to my grave.

107. Katy!

108. Oh, Sami.

109. I know.

110. This is Diana and Dodi all over again.

111. What are you going to do? If I'm going to stay here...

112. ..I have to leave them.

113. Leave to remain?

114. Leave to remain.

115. Where is Bootle?

116. It's a long way away. Why?

117. My fate lies in Bootle. Well, that's a first.

118. How much is a train ticket? I need to get there and back again.

119. Be about... 200 quid.

120. For a train? I know.

121. For 200 quid, I want a reach-around from Chuggington

122. while the Fat Controller slow dances for me in a man-nappy.

123. I can't afford it. You don't have to.

124. I'll text you the booking reference.

125. I... I don't know what to say.

126. Your fate lies in Bootle? My fate lies in Bootle.

127. Well, OK, then.

128. I cannot repay you.

129. Here's how you repay me.

130. If you really leave, say goodbye.

131. OK.

132. Some people hate goodbyes. I don't.

133. It's the people you don't get to say goodbye to...

134. ..you never see again.

135. Again, please...

136. How would you describe that? Well... dismissive.

137. "This is finished, get to class."

138. And the boy alleges it was more...?

139. Something... bolder,

140. more irreverent, maybe a little bit cheeky.

141. This is a misconduct hearing, not a wine tasting.

142. Yes, yes, I know. Er, something a bit more...

143. And I suppose the question we need to ask ourselves

144. about something like that is,

145. when does that stop being, you know, um...

146. .. end-of-the-pier, "Oo-er, that's a handful,"

147. Carry On... Tits sort of thing,

148. and become something a bit more... sinister?

149. Well, it's inappropriate to do that to a pupil.

150. I didn't do that to a pupil.

151. It's inappropriate to do that to anyone. Well, quite.

152. I didn't do that to a pupil.

153. But I do think context is important.

154. I mean, there are pats on the bum and there are pats on the bum.

155. For instance, Simon,

156. you did it to me at the Christmas concert last year.

157. And I understood that it was a perfectly innocent act

158. in an empty room without any witnesses

159. that was entirely devoid of any sexual motive whatsoever.

160. Y... yes.

161. Maybe we should turn to the language you used.

162. Enough. Sorry?

163. Enough. We do actually have a lot to...

164. No, I've spent weeks thinking about this. Weeks.

165. Hours and hours and hours about what to say, how to defend it.

166. I could deny any of this happened,

167. that would be the presidential response.

168. Or I could apologise for nothing,

169. that would be the prime ministerial one.

170. But I'm not them. I'm me.

171. And I think...

172. ..you're right to ask these questions.

173. I believe in the system.

174. I know this isn't a witch-hunt.

175. Does it feel like a witch-hunt?

176. Well, let's just say, a month ago,

177. I kept the peace in that corridor.

178. And someone's told you my olive branch

179. was a fucking broomstick.

180. But I think I'll just say...

181. .. sorry.

182. Not for what didn't happen,

183. but for what happened, from the bottom of my heart.

184. What I said and did, it came from the right place

185. and ended in the wrong one.

186. Shall we move on to the letters? What letters?

187. This is the first we've heard of them.

188. Letters didn't form part of the allegation.

189. The letters between yourself and Jason.

190. There were no letters.

191. These.

192. "My darling, you are my greatest adventure and I almost missed it."

193. Let me look at that, please.

194. That's Mr Incredible.

195. Sorry? "You are my greatest adventure and I almost missed it."

196. Mr Incredible said that.

197. Is Mr Incredible your nickname for Jason?

198. Are you saying the boy's allegations lack credibility?

199. It's a line from the film The Incredibles.

200. It's a cartoon.

201. Mr Incredible says that to his wife.

202. My son's watched that film about a thousand times,

203. sounds like Jason wasn't that far behind him.

204. I think we should compare handwriting, don't you?

205. Let me give you an example of mine.

206. I'll be outside.

207. Hello, can I ask you one question? Do you...? No.

208. Please, please...

209. Excuse me, sir? Excuse me. Do you...?

210. Please.

211. Please, miss. Hello. Excuse me. Excuse me.

212. Do you work here? Yeah, what do you want?

213. I just want to talk to somebody who works here.

214. You need to fix an appointment. No, no, no, now.

215. I have travelled a very long way. Look, I don't know who you are,

216. but we aren't actually allowed to discuss cases... Please, please!

217. No. Let me buy you a pint. I said no.

218. Wasabi peas?

219. Eh?

220. The pub shall be beautiful. It shall serve wasabi peas.

221. What is wrong with this country? They're from Japan.

222. You took the worst thing from Japan,

223. and put it in my mouth!

224. It's like Marmite.

225. You like Marmite? No.

226. You? It's complicated.

227. I've been here a long time.

228. Six months. Yes.

229. I know, there is a queue.

230. But I was... I was hoping you could tell me how long this queue is.

231. About 14,000.

232. 14,000? Yeah.

233. I see.

234. We're trying to clear it, but, you know, it takes time.

235. I've only been here a few months. Me, too.

236. You are making decisions?

237. I'm a decision-maker. We all are.

238. What are your qualifications to do this?

239. What was your... your previous job?

240. I worked in Carphone Warehouse.

241. Look, I know you cannot...

242. .. discuss my case.

243. I don't know your case.

244. Please just be honest with me.

245. How much time could this take?

246. Don't worry.

247. Don't worry. I'm from Syria.

248. We are good with bad news.

249. We have to meet these key performance indicators.

250. And new cases are better for hitting targets.

251. So if your case extends beyond six months, it becomes less...

252. .. compelling to us.

253. Less compelling.

254. What is the longest case you've dealt with?

255. Six years.

256. I'm sorry. It's OK.

257. It's been a long journey.

258. I thought I could see land, but...

259. ..I'm still here.

260. All at sea.

261. How'd it go?

262. Thought I'd try something light-hearted,

263. but I'm having quite serious second thoughts, to be honest.

264. I'm so sorry. What for? Everything. You don't have to be sorry.

265. You didn't do anything.

266. Will you do something for me? What?

267. Will you bring my boy home?

268. Hello? Sami, it's me. Hi.

269. Katy wants me to get John from Elliot's house, and I may need you.

270. Where are you? I'm in Liverpool. What are you doing in Liverpool?

271. Beatles tour. Yeah? Well, buy a ticket to ride and get back, day-tripper!

272. It's time to come together and help. Don't let me down.

273. That was very clever. What? You just said all those Beatles songs.

274. What Beatles songs? Getting train now. See you at Euston.

275. Where's Elliot? We're here for... You brought the gear? What?

276. Yes, we brought the gear.

277. Hello. Where is it? We do not have your gear. Yeah, hop it, Zammo.

278. Want a drink? Thought you'd given up. Yep, so did I.

279. Turns out it's really,

280. really hard so, you know, 12 steps forwards, one steps backs.

281. Where's John? He's around.

282. Do you really think this is an appropriate

283. environment for a 13-year-old boy?

284. Well, this isn't an appropriate environment for, you know,

285. a 45-year-old man.

286. Do you know that I just saw somebody snorting

287. ketamine off a photograph of my nan?

288. I'm going to need counselling! I mean...

289. You know, it demeans us all.

290. You have no idea how to look after him! He's just...

291. I was always going to have this party. He just... Hello.

292. He just knocked on the door and, you know, I mean,

293. he's welcome to be here, but I'm not just going to drop everything,

294. so stop mollycoddling him! Right, I'm going to look for him.

295. Stay here. Stop mollycoddling!

296. The kid's got more father figures than Luke fucking Skywalker!

297. And even Darth Vader!

298. The dead farmer from the first one, and Obe 1 Habibi.

299. Olive?

300. You're fucking huge, aren't you?

301. But surprisingly, for your size, strangely unintimidating,

302. like a whale.

303. Or Canada.

304. Everything just bounces off you, does it?

305. I suppose it has to, doesn't it?

306. Cos, you know, if you were to lose your temper...

307. ..you'd get deported.

308. You all right, mate? You OK? No, it's OK. Didn't you see him here?

309. Come one. Let's go.

310. Come on!

311. No, it's all right, it's all right, come on.

312. Is he all right? He's drunk.

313. My boy! What is he, 14? He's 13.

314. I was drinking my father under the table when I was 13. Let's go.

315. I don't want to hear from you again. Except you're in surge prices, eh?

316. Fuck off! No, no, no, no, no! Come on. Come on.

317. There's a good place in Canada.

318. I can see why Katy fell for you.

319. What? Yeah, John told me. Told you what? Ignore him. Let's go.

320. Please don't do this!

321. What did he mean?

322. I'm so sorry.

323. What did he mean, Sami?

324. Thank you.

325. Thank you for everything. Time to go.

326. What did he mean?

327. Sami? Yeah, it's me. I have to get out of here! What time is it?

328. It is midnight. I have run away from the party.

329. Believe me, my carriage has turned into a fucking pumpkin!

330. I don't understand. What's happened? What have you done?

331. I've ruined everything! I have to get out of the UK!

332. Please, let me come to Berlin! Tell them you want me to join you!

333. That is all you have to do. Sami, let's talk about this tomorrow.

334. I need time to... No, I have run out of time!

335. There is no more time to give! It has to be now! Don't shout at me!

336. Please, tell them!

337. George?

338. Yasmine, I am trying to make things better!

339. Why can't you fucking understand that?

340. George...