Home 2x4

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It's now been eight months since he arrived in Britain, and Sami is still playing the waiting game for the right to remain in the UK. Everything is in limbo, all Sami can do is make himself useful to his hosts in Dorking.

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1. Come in!

2. Hello again.

3. I knew it, he's not coming. Good. Good? What do you mean, good?

4. He's my son's father. John's gonna be devastated.

5. Actually want them to spend more time together, do you?

6. Well, no, it's a complicated situation, Peter.

7. I'm John's father figure. Not him. He's not seen you for weeks,

8. Joe Le Fucking Taxi, none of us have.

9. So put your hybrid in park for one second

10. and remind him what you look like.

11. Yeah, well, I have to keep the money coming in

12. because you're in the middle of... schoolgate.

13. Schoolgate?

14. John!

15. Here he is. Come here.

16. Come here.

17. So, erm, where are your seats?

18. Are they near the stage, or...? Do you know the O2?

19. Not really, no.

20. See, I thought we'd do the whole corporate box thing

21. cos apparently Drake's bringing this absolutely sick light show.

22. So we've got a great view of the... Home straight after, all right?

23. You're a big Drake fan. Massive Drake fan.

24. What's your favourite Drake song? Erm, don't know.

25. Love Lockdown. I love Love Lockdown.

26. That's a Kanye song. Oh.

27. So you're not such a massive fan after all, are you, mate?

28. Oh, you prick.

29. Do you know his real name?

30. Know what? Drake's real name, do you know it?

31. No.

32. Aubrey. Is it really?

33. Wiki'd him to make sure he's age appropriate.

34. He isn't, but, hell, I watched The Singing Detective when I was 15,

35. we all rebel. Enjoy the concert, John.

36. Aubrey.

37. Surprised you didn't know that, mate.

38. Not exactly a massive fan, are you?

39. Get your big coat, darling. I don't know where it is.

40. So, you met Dr Phillips.

41. Yes, we discussed my, erm, wheezy breathing.

42. Your wheezy breathing?

43. The wheezing breathing, yes, but there's nothing to worry about.

44. With the wheezy breathing? With the wheezy breathing.

45. You've got peaceful, wheezy breathing. Sorry?

46. The Eagles.

47. Oh.

48. Oh!

49. You don't know them, do you? No.

50. So, Sami, I'm Nurse Johnson.

51. Naomi Johnson.

52. And I'll be giving you a basic medical today. OK.

53. So, you've filled out the form. Yes, yes, yes.

54. So, blood pressure. Blood pressure.

55. I know this.

56. OK...

57. Ooft. Sorry.

58. Oh, my!

59. It's very...

60. .. squeezy.

61. OK. Ooh.

62. Is it all right?

63. Er, 130 over 80, so it's a little high but we can live with that.

64. It's been higher.

65. Don't worry, I've got a good heart.

66. Hm. Good heart.

67. So, I'm going to give you...

68. Naomi Johnson, would you like to meet someplace

69. and do something sometime? .. this and ask you to provide

70. a stool sample. The toilet's down the hallway on the left.

71. Of course.

72. Shit.

73. Still quantity surveying, then, eh?

74. Yep. Yeah, I mean, I've got to hold my hand up, mate,

75. I have got absolutely no idea what that is.

76. Well, it's not so different from what you do.

77. Oh, contemporising.

78. Well, I work with buildings, you work with singers.

79. I need to know the volume of materials used

80. in a construction project,

81. you need to know the volume of people in...

82. So Solid Crew. So Solid Crew?

83. Haven't been relevant in, like, 15 years.

84. So you don't know how many people...

85. Lisa Maffia, Romeo, Megaman, Oxide, Neutrino,

86. Harvey, G-Man, Scat D,

87. Swiss, Face, Mac, Kaish, Asher D.

88. 13.

89. How many doors are in this house?

90. Front door,

91. lounge,

92. kitchen, garden, closet,

93. bathroom, bathroom,

94. toilet, toilet,

95. bedroom, bedroom, bedroom, cat flap.

96. 13 also.

97. I think you'll find it's 14.

98. No, I think you'll find its 13.

99. 14 doors...

100. Sorry, I don't know who that is.

101. That's Jim Morrison.

102. He used to be in a band called...

103. .. The Doors.

104. Oh, God, that's really good.

105. I think I'd better call a cab.

106. It's very nice to see Kate so happy, mate.

107. You're a better man than me, mate.

108. You know, she's a little bit like the O2, actually.

109. You know, boring old Millennium Dome when she was with me,

110. a bit square, faded.

111. And then you come along and plough your money in,

112. give her a face-lift and then everybody wants in there.

113. Good for you.

114. Your Uber's here.

115. What? How do you mean?

116. I thought you... I lost my job.

117. I'm driving a cab at the moment.

118. Are you taking the piss?

119. Jesus Christ, Pete.

120. Life moves pretty fucking fast in Dorking, doesn't it?

121. You might want to wait in the car, it's just outside.

122. No, I'm not going to use you. Yes, you are.

123. I've accepted the job. No.

124. Listen, this is not who I am,

125. but it is what I am doing.

126. Things haven't been easy at the moment. I lost my job.

127. Katie has been suspended from school. Why?

128. Well, if you must know,

129. she's been wrongfully accused of sexual misconduct.

130. Oh, bloody hell.

131. And we are... Right, he's ready.

132. Bloody hell, Kate.

133. You've still got it, love. What?

134. What have you said? I'm driving them.

135. Straight home after Aubrey, OK?

136. Good.

137. All done.

138. All done? Yep. Wow.

139. I'm sorry about earlier.

140. Oh, no problem.

141. I'm going to give you something for the wheezy breathing.

142. But Dr Phillips...

143. Dr Phillips can't prescribe you this. OK.

144. The wheezy breathing thanks you.

145. Thank you.

146. Goodbye. Bye.

147. No! Thank you so much.

148. When are you going to call her? Already have. No!

149. I'm seeing her tonight.

150. What are you going to do? I don't know yet.

151. What has been your favourite date? Ooft.

152. Cafe Rouge, followed by a bukakke party in Harpenden.

153. But I understand that's not for everyone.

154. Got to be a pub. I don't drink. Don't care.

155. All first dates are the pub. It's in the Magna Carta.

156. But which pub? A pub is a pub, no?

157. Are you trying to get your self deported?

158. "Pub is a pub!"

159. Got to be a sexy pub.

160. How do I know if it's a sexy pub?

161. Wasabi peas.

162. Wasab... Does it serve wasabi peas?

163. If it does, that's a start.

164. But there's so much else to consider, Sami. Like what?

165. Well, what's the rest of the menu like?

166. Burgers and gentrified Scotch eggs. Piss off.

167. We're looking for a goat's cheese salad.

168. We're looking for sharing boards.

169. Talk to me about the smoked almonds. Sharing board. Distractions.

170. No television showing any sport,

171. especially football, horse racing or mixed martial arts.

172. An exception is tennis, either Wimbledon or the French Open,

173. but only past the quarterfinal stage. Quarterfinals.

174. Self-respect.

175. How wet are the beer mats?

176. These are the pub's nappies and must be regularly changed.

177. Are there locks on the toilet doors?

178. Are there toilet doors? I may not do a pub.

179. Clientele - is anyone arguing with themselves?

180. Is anyone drinking in a hospital gown?

181. Side bar - is anyone drinking while attached to an active IV stand?

182. Thank you, my friend. I love you. Good luck!

183. Oh, Jack Johnson!

184. Are they playing fucking Jack Johnson?

185. Johnson, yes. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

186. Hello?

187. Out here.

188. Hey. Hey.

189. Has John gone to the concert? Yeah.

190. Haven't seen him this happy...

191. .. and that makes me feel sad. Hmm.

192. Selfish, isn't it?

193. No.

194. I feel very far away from me.

195. And this thing at school is just...

196. ..you know?

197. Speaking of inappropriate flirting that should carry a prison sentence,

198. I have a date.

199. Is it the nurse on the bus? Mm-hm.

200. Get you! It's not a date, really.

201. It's not anything, really.

202. Maybe just a new friend. You're allowed to be excited, Sami.

203. I know.

204. We're seeing each other this evening.

205. What you wearing?

206. This. Ah.

207. No, you're not. Come on.

208. Ooh, there she is.

209. The rock and roll crown of thorns.

210. You excited? Yeah!

211. All right. Cheers, Pete.

212. You're going to get a very big tip, my man.

213. I don't want a tip.

214. What kind of star rating do you think we should give him, mate?

215. Hmm. Five.

216. No, let's not go nuts because, you know, I mean, he did drive us

217. right into that snarl up in Wandsworth, didn't he?

218. So I'm thinking we should go...

219. .. four. Oh, harsh!

220. Yeah, well, you know, you've to keep him hungry.

221. You've got to keep him hungry.

222. You have a lovely evening

223. and I'll bring him straight home after.

224. I'm going to wait here.

225. We're going to be ages, you silly sausage.

226. It's fine. I mean, are you even going to be a cabbie

227. by the end of the evening?

228. Because, you know, I mean, you were a quantity surveyor this afternoon.

229. So...

230. .. who knows? You might be a marine biologist by ten o'clock.

231. I'm not going to be a marine biologist.

232. He can't swim! He can't swim?

233. I choose not to swim.

234. I had a verruca cluster the month of the Lockerbie bomb...

235. Laters, potato!

236. Oh, my.

237. What do you think?

238. I think if the Medellin cartel does not accept our offer, we take

239. the war to Escobar.

240. Yeah, drugs are sexy!

241. I mean, it fits. Which is crazy.

242. But what?

243. It feels too nice for me. You deserve some nice.

244. Let's get it. Grab your stuff.

245. How much is it, please?

246. Tags on the inside pocket.

247. Tag is on the inside pocket. Oh, cool.

248. I think you're disgusting. Sorry?

249. I know who you are.

250. Our niece goes to your school.

251. Now, hang on a minute. You should be ashamed of yourself.

252. You have no idea about me or my situation.

253. And you just said drugs are sexy.

254. I was joking. I heard you. Help Syrian refugees.

255. What?

256. Help Syrian refugees?

257. What about it?

258. I am a Syrian refugee.

259. Oh. I was wondering, can you help me?

260. What do you need?

261. I need...

262. I am ashamed to ask.

263. Don't be ashamed.

264. I need you to stop being a bellend.

265. Sorry?

266. I know. It is a small thing, but every little helps,

267. stop being a bellend.

268. How dare you speak to me like that.

269. Also, you should know he's about to walk out of your shop in that

270. suit without paying for it. You can't.

271. You can't walk out of the shop without... You're appealing for

272. clothes for Syrian refugees.

273. Well, the Syrian refugee has received them and he thanks you.

274. I thank you. No need for money.

275. Cut out the middleman.

276. You're a disgrace. That is very charitable of you.

277. What is this? The British Twat Foundation? Are they gonna sack you?

278. Well, we'll see how it all unfolds.

279. I can't wait to see how it unfolds. YOU can't wait to see how it all unfolds?

280. No, I can't wait to see how it all unfolds.

281. Oh, stop it.

282. Oh, look, it is unfolding. Stop it!

283. Oh, it's unfolding dreadfully! Stop it!

284. There's 40 quid.

285. I'm not a monster.

286. Oh, God!

287. Oh...

288. Are you all right? I'm fine.

289. No, you're not.

290. Hey, Mr Bluebird's on my shoulder.

291. What time are you meeting her?

292. About 45 minutes. Sami, go!

293. No, I'm walking you home. Sami...

294. ..I'm fine.

295. Go get her, tiger.

296. I was told I should bring her to a pub.

297. This is better.

298. Nature's pub.

299. A vineyard in Dorking, who knew?

300. Only in Britain would people not know about this.

301. Do you make wine in Syria?

302. Of course.

303. Mountains near Latakia.

304. You can get it here, they smuggle it out.

305. Will you go back? Some day.

306. It is my soil.

307. Oh!

308. British wine!

309. Top notes of Greggs, with just a hint of Piers Morgan.

310. Pairs excellently with divorce and self-loathing.

311. Mm. It's actually lovely.

312. Is it strong? Well, it's white and English.

313. I'd say 52%. Try.

314. I have water. You don't drink?

315. Well, since all of this, I have to keep a clear head.

316. It's OK to get a little fuzzy sometimes.

317. Maybe. Do you feel like you don't

318. deserve to be happy?

319. Could you come over here, please?

320. Why? It's an NHS requirement.

321. I'm sorry. No, you didn't do anything wrong.

322. It's, er, too soon.

323. So what did you think of being backstage?

324. Yeah...

325. How did you get us?

326. My job.

327. Did you notice that Drake was drinking bottled water?

328. Yeah. Yeah.

329. It's just great to be around fellow health-choosers.

330. So what was the last gig you went to, then, Pete?

331. I don't know.

332. Yes, you do.

333. Come on. Alfie Boe at Hampton Court. Alfie Boe!

334. Alfie Boe - now there is a powerful voice. Magnificent voice.

335. Come on then, sing us one of your favourite tracks.

336. Just concentrating on driving. Ah, come on, come on!

337. Give it both barrels. Road safety is my priority.

338. He's shy. I'm not shy.

339. There's nothing wrong with being shy.

340. I said, I'm not shy.

341. Some people just don't know how to express themselves.

342. I'm not shy! Give us a fucking song, then.

343. If you try to cut in one

344. more time, I'm gonna Mad Max this shit right up your arsehole!

345. Yeah, we can all honk!

346. Not today, my son.

347. You wanker!

348. My son.

349. What did she look like?

350. Beautiful.

351. Tres beautiful. Tres beautiful. Tres, tres.

352. Couldn't do anything.

353. You're just not ready.

354. No. No... I am...

355. I am finished.

356. That door is closed.

357. Taxi for Mr Winkie.

358. Oh!

359. I mean, I hear ya.

360. I walk down my high street and people think I'm a predator.

361. Come home, my boyfriend can't look me in the eye.

362. I couldn't pull a hamstring. Pull a hamstring!

363. Perfect woman - cook in the kitchen, whore in the classroom. Oh, don't say that.

364. Meanwhile, Peter is still up there on his cross.

365. On his cross. Yes.

366. He's climbed up there and he's found the extension lead

367. to his fuckin' nail-gun.

368. At least John is OK. Oh, John...

369. In the old days, if he was unhappy, he'd just punch someone at school.

370. I remember. At first I was relieved.

371. Now, I realise it's not fight.

372. It's flight.

373. He's running from all our shit.

374. Towards the worst, worst man...

375. ..I know.

376. He'll be back. He's just like his mum.

377. All he wants is to fall into the arms of a man who'll tell him

378. everything's gonna be all right.

379. Everything is going to be all right.

380. Oh! Oh!