1. This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.Copy !req
2. Morning. Good morning.Copy !req
3. Oh, please, just observing.Copy !req
4. Where is the Post Office?
There's one on the high street.Copy !req
5. Opens at nine. High street?Copy !req
6. Have you got anything for me?
Oh, yes.Copy !req
7. Home Office. I'll add it to the bag.Copy !req
8. Erm... May I?Copy !req
9. Ah. Morning, Sami.Copy !req
10. Good morning.
Any news from Yasmin?Copy !req
11. Let me check again.Copy !req
12. No.Copy !req
13. I have a question. Shoot.Copy !req
14. What is E?Copy !req
15. E is for Elliot.Copy !req
16. Who's Elliot?Copy !req
17. Elliot is John's father.Copy !req
18. So, what's the plan, Stan?
What's today?Copy !req
19. Post Office. 9am. Why?Copy !req
20. I show them my registration card.Copy !req
21. The government gives me money
while I wait for asylum application.Copy !req
22. So they bloody should. Peter?Copy !req
23. I'm picking up John after school,
yes. What are you gonna do with him?Copy !req
24. I've got a plan. Yeah.
What is the plan?Copy !req
25. A surprise.Copy !req
26. Because, you know, if it's a petting
zoo and a packet of Quavers,Copy !req
27. he'll hate that.Copy !req
28. Well, it's not. He's not a twat.Copy !req
29. I know. It matters,
afternoons like this.Copy !req
30. Message received.Copy !req
31. We'll have fun.Copy !req
32. Morning.Copy !req
33. It's ready.Copy !req
34. Come upstairs, Sami.
John's got a surprise for you.Copy !req
35. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
36. Oh...Copy !req
37. OK, come upstairs.Copy !req
38. What is this? Sami,
it looks like you may need...Copy !req
39. John, kill the music, love.Copy !req
40. Sami, it looks like you may need
to spend some more time with us,Copy !req
41. so I'd like to give you
the spare room.Copy !req
42. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
43. Thank you very, very, very much.Copy !req
44. Yes, I was using this
as office space,Copy !req
45. but it's yours now, apparently.
We talked about this, Peter.Copy !req
46. No, no, no, it's fine. I mean, this
is how Trump happens, but it's fine.Copy !req
47. Please enjoy the spare room.Copy !req
48. Peter, I insist you share this
with me for your work.Copy !req
49. Right.Copy !req
50. Well, obviously, I'd have to base
myself near the router.Copy !req
51. The Wi-Fi signal here
is as weak as barley water,Copy !req
52. but if I could kind of
hot desk between the hookahCopy !req
53. and the bin, then we might
be in business.Copy !req
54. Good. Yep.Copy !req
55. Excellent. John set all this up.Copy !req
56. Is it like Damascus?Copy !req
57. Almost exactly. Thank you, John.Copy !req
58. The rug's facing east.Copy !req
59. I checked on my compass.Copy !req
60. OK.Copy !req
61. He downloaded a call
to prayer as well.Copy !req
62. Mo Salah and Mo Farah.Copy !req
63. To give it a bit of atmosphere.Copy !req
64. They're your mob, aren't they,
the Mos?Copy !req
65. We're aware you probably haven't
had a chance to pray yet,Copy !req
66. so, you know, now's your chance.Copy !req
67. Right.Copy !req
68. Thank you very much.Copy !req
69. Can I speak to you outside, please?
Yeah.Copy !req
70. I'm...Copy !req
71. I'm not Muslim. What?Copy !req
72. I'm Christian. Piss off!Copy !req
73. Really? Really. Oh.Copy !req
74. I do not know the Muslim prayer.
Right.Copy !req
75. It's just he's gone
to so much trouble.Copy !req
76. Could you busk it?Copy !req
77. And, when you think about it,Copy !req
78. that would be
the Christian thing to do.Copy !req
79. OK. Busky, busky.Copy !req
80. May I be alone please?Copy !req
81. Oh, of course. Mm.Copy !req
82. Amen.Copy !req
83. Thank you, I feel better.Copy !req
84. I'm sure she'll call soon, Sami.
I hope so.Copy !req
85. First day back at school, John.Copy !req
86. Very exciting. I hate this tie.Copy !req
87. You look handsome, darling.Copy !req
88. I look like Mr Bean.Copy !req
89. I'm going in here.Copy !req
90. First day at a new school.Copy !req
91. A new school?Copy !req
92. A new school where his mum is
the head of year.Copy !req
93. It is the nightmare.Copy !req
94. It is the nightmare.Copy !req
95. He was at a private school,
but his dad stopped paying the fees.Copy !req
96. Elliot? Yeah. I see.Copy !req
97. Abu reiha.Copy !req
98. What was that?Copy !req
99. I'm calling him a very bad name.
Abu reiha.Copy !req
100. Ooh, what does it mean?Copy !req
101. The father of stinky smells.Copy !req
102. Right.Copy !req
103. I was expecting something worse,
to be honest.Copy !req
104. Well, I've never met him.
Give it another go.Copy !req
105. El sharmouta.Copy !req
106. What's that?
Son of a bitch. That's better.Copy !req
107. His mum never liked me anyway.Copy !req
108. Hi. Morning.Copy !req
109. Just one treat, OK?Copy !req
110. Hello. Hi.Copy !req
111. Aren't you going to introduce us?Copy !req
112. Er...Copy !req
113. This is Sami. All right. Hi!Copy !req
114. And what is this gentleman's name?Copy !req
115. I don't know.Copy !req
116. What do you mean, you don't know?Copy !req
117. I mean, I don't know.Copy !req
118. We've never done names.Copy !req
119. He owns your nearest shop.Copy !req
120. What is your name? Erm, Raj.Copy !req
121. Wow! Raj.Copy !req
122. Raj, meet Katy and John.Copy !req
123. John and Katy meet Raj.Copy !req
124. Hi. Hi, Raj.Copy !req
125. I mean, the shop is called Raj.Copy !req
126. My name's above the shop.
Yes, but I didn't know you were Raj.Copy !req
127. Pretty likely though, isn't it?Copy !req
128. Sami is from Syria.Copy !req
129. Right. So, you know... What?Copy !req
130. You probably have
a lot... to talk about.Copy !req
131. I'm from Streatham. Right.Copy !req
132. Oh, you mean because
we both have brown faces?Copy !req
133. No, I didn't say that. No, no.Copy !req
134. It's fine. You're right.
We all tend to keep in touch.Copy !req
135. What shade of brown is that?
I call it desert sand.Copy !req
136. You? Kit Kat.
I like these brown conversations.Copy !req
137. We should do this more often.
I think so.Copy !req
138. Right, better get going
or we'll be late.Copy !req
139. Thanks, Raj. Thank you, Raj.Copy !req
140. Know where you're going? Yeah.Copy !req
141. Know where you're going?Copy !req
142. Do you want me to walk in
with you? No.Copy !req
143. See you later.Copy !req
144. I don't want to be here.Copy !req
145. Deep breath in.Copy !req
146. Deep breath out.Copy !req
147. I am the master of my fate.Copy !req
148. I am the captain of my soul.Copy !req
149. I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.Copy !req
150. Come on, come on, come on.
Everybody inside.Copy !req
151. You snooze, you lose. Good morning.Copy !req
152. Got your registration card? Yes.Copy !req
153. £37 and 75p per week.Copy !req
154. That's right. Is that a lot?Copy !req
155. Not for me to say, sir.Copy !req
156. How much is a stamp? 67p.Copy !req
157. It is not a lot. It's fuck all.Copy !req
158. If you don't like it, mate,
you can piss off home.Copy !req
159. Sorry? We're full up, sunshine.Copy !req
160. Brexit.Copy !req
161. We're not a soft touch any more.Copy !req
162. Please, believe me, I do not want
to take this money.Copy !req
163. Well, don't then. We've got our own
to look after, eh?Copy !req
164. We've got old people, kids.Copy !req
165. We've got an abandoned generation
of children in this country.Copy !req
166. Please, you take it.Copy !req
167. Fuck off.Copy !req
168. Really, for your family.Copy !req
169. I am sorry. I am so sorry.Copy !req
170. Besides, we don't fund terrorists.Copy !req
171. Don't do it, son.
That'd be a mistake.Copy !req
172. Here, take this.Copy !req
173. No, no, no. I can't.Copy !req
174. Yes, you can.Copy !req
175. Yes, you can.Copy !req
176. Don't give him your money.
It's fine.Copy !req
177. No, it's not fine. It's fine.Copy !req
178. Because you're gonna give me
your money.Copy !req
179. Eh?Copy !req
180. You're gonna give me your money.Copy !req
181. No. Yes.Copy !req
182. Make me.Copy !req
183. I can't make you,Copy !req
184. but he can.Copy !req
185. I'm not even gonna ask.Copy !req
186. It's just gonna happen.Copy !req
187. David's my grandson.Copy !req
188. Extraordinary, isn't it?
What a funny little rainbow we are.Copy !req
189. I'm one of the abandoned generation
of children you were chatting about.Copy !req
190. He is.Copy !req
191. It doesn't make me proud
to say this,Copy !req
192. but if you don't give it to him,
he's gonna open your lid,Copy !req
193. turn you upside down
and tap the shit out of you.Copy !req
194. Thank you.Copy !req
195. I fought in Suez.Copy !req
196. Tarted up in me best khaki, had a
shit sandwich and came home again.Copy !req
197. Don't know why I was there.Copy !req
198. It turns out why I was thereCopy !req
199. was partly for the reason
you're here...Copy !req
200. ..so history connects us.Copy !req
201. Mind-blowing, isn't it?Copy !req
202. Now, on your way before I start
sucking me own cock.Copy !req
203. It's not normally this complicated.Copy !req
204. I suppose it means getting
a bit carried away,Copy !req
205. liking the sound of your own voice.Copy !req
206. Sucking your own cock?Copy !req
207. Huh.Copy !req
208. The Guardian?Copy !req
209. You want one? This one likes me?Copy !req
210. This one likes you.Copy !req
211. This one likes you too.Copy !req
212. Oh... This one hates you.Copy !req
213. This one hates you.Copy !req
214. This one really fucking hates you.Copy !req
215. This one would hate you, but it's
still extremely busy telling usCopy !req
216. about the death of Princess Diana.Copy !req
217. And this one... hates you.Copy !req
218. Which ones do you sell the most of?Copy !req
219. Can I have some potato chips
instead?Copy !req
220. Hello? Sami, it's Peter.
Oh, hello.Copy !req
221. Ten minutes
until delivery.Copy !req
222. I need a hard copy of the inventory.Copy !req
223. Yes. Coming, coming.Copy !req
224. You need to go back home
and meet John after school.Copy !req
225. Work's got me over a barrel.
You know how it is.Copy !req
226. OK, but I thought you were going
to take him... I am.Copy !req
227. I'm just gonna be an hour late
or so. Just hold the fort.Copy !req
228. Like Davy Crockett? I've no idea.Copy !req
229. Just be back home at four, OK?Copy !req
230. Oh, and don't tell Katy
about this, will you?Copy !req
231. Ah, of course.Copy !req
232. Don't worry, Peter,
it shall be our little...Copy !req
233. Peter, did you get that? Coming!Copy !req
234. Hello?Copy !req
235. No! No, no, no!Copy !req
236. Please, please! I need my phone!Copy !req
237. No...Copy !req
238. Afternoon, Katy.Copy !req
239. Oh, hi, Diana.Copy !req
240. How was Year 8 History?Copy !req
241. Took some pretty heavy fire.Copy !req
242. Had to be choppered out.Copy !req
243. You'll get a medal for this,
soldier.Copy !req
244. Good summer hols?
Quite eventful actually.Copy !req
245. We're keeping it a bit quiet,
but we're trying to adopt.Copy !req
246. Oh, congratulations.Copy !req
247. I've adopted. Have you?
A Syrian boy.Copy !req
248. I had no idea.
That's wonderful. How old?Copy !req
249. 36. Erm...
Found him in the boot of our car.Copy !req
250. Comes as standard now
with Audis apparently.Copy !req
251. Oh, my God, a refugee? Yeah.Copy !req
252. He's staying with us for a bit.
And you're comfortable with that?Copy !req
253. With what?
With him being in the house?Copy !req
254. Why wouldn't I be?
Well, around John.Copy !req
255. Better woman than me. Good for you.Copy !req
256. Right, time to win
some hearts and minds.Copy !req
257. Peter? Peter?Copy !req
258. Oh. Hi.Copy !req
259. Hi.Copy !req
260. How was the first day of school?Copy !req
261. OK. Where's Peter?Copy !req
262. He's running late.Copy !req
263. Please do not be disappointed.Copy !req
264. What's the matter?Copy !req
265. Nothing. What is it?Copy !req
266. Somebody stole my mobile phone.Copy !req
267. It had my SIM
in the cover.Copy !req
268. All my photos, all my numbers.Copy !req
269. My wife's number.Copy !req
270. We'll find it.Copy !req
271. I'm good with these things.Copy !req
272. Well, the delays to the glass
partitions are non-critical,Copy !req
273. but I've talked to
the Swedish suppliers...Copy !req
274. Sorry, can I just take this?
Two seconds, two seconds.Copy !req
275. Hello, mate. Listen, sorry we're not
spending the afternoon together...Copy !req
276. Sami's had his SIM stolen.Copy !req
277. We need you to bring the car
and help us find it.Copy !req
278. Right. He has all of
his numbers on there.Copy !req
279. OK. That's bad luck, I recognise
that, but I can't leave work, John.Copy !req
280. We're at a crucial delivery stage.Copy !req
281. If you don't help us, I'll tell Mum
you were late for our play date.Copy !req
282. OK, that is a new low.Copy !req
283. You forced me to go there, Peter.
I'm not proud.Copy !req
284. I didn't want a sewer fight.Copy !req
285. I don't want a sewer fight either.
Don't sewer fight me!Copy !req
286. I'm gonna give you the count
of three, then I'm gonna ring Mum.Copy !req
287. No. One.Copy !req
288. No. Two.Copy !req
289. OK, so, if Katy asks what we did...Copy !req
290. Pizza Express.Copy !req
291. Right. Arancini
and a shared dough ball starter.Copy !req
292. Then? American Classic.Copy !req
293. Good. Padana, extra goat's cheese.Copy !req
294. Leggera range... Sloppy Jeffrey.Copy !req
295. Giuseppe! Giuseppe. Sami, Giuseppe.Copy !req
296. I need to know I can rely on you.
Don't worry about me.Copy !req
297. I will be there for you.Copy !req
298. Tiramisu for dessert?
Sounds too much fun.Copy !req
299. It's you. Keep it disappointing.Copy !req
300. Good. Good, good! Found him!
What? Who?Copy !req
301. Idiot took a selfie and
he's uploaded it to the cloud.Copy !req
302. Look at that. What? The sign says
Cotdene Estate behind him.Copy !req
303. Cotdene Estate? Cotdene Estate,
Cotdene Estate. OK, OK, OK!Copy !req
304. Is that him?Copy !req
305. Yes. OK.Copy !req
306. Stay frosty.Copy !req
307. John, wait in the car.Copy !req
308. I'll do all the talking.Copy !req
309. Wait. No, no! Don't, don't, don't!Copy !req
310. Good afternoon. Erm...Copy !req
311. You stole my phone today.Copy !req
312. That's fine, that's fine.Copy !req
313. But I need it back.Copy !req
314. No.Copy !req
315. Look, I am new here.Copy !req
316. That is the only way I have
to communicate with my family.Copy !req
317. You have to understand.Copy !req
318. You understand this, mate? Fuck off!Copy !req
319. OK.Copy !req
320. We can do things the easy way...Copy !req
321. .. or we can do them the hard way.Copy !req
322. You didn't just steal from him.Copy !req
323. You stole from me.Copy !req
324. And that phone,
it's a company phone...Copy !req
325. .. just like this is
a company fleece.Copy !req
326. You just stole from the eighth
largest commercialCopy !req
327. and residential developer in the UK.Copy !req
328. You just opened Pandora's box,
my friend.Copy !req
329. Walk away.Copy !req
330. Peter...Copy !req
331. Hey, leave him alone!Copy !req
332. John, relax.
Give him back the phone!Copy !req
333. John! You want some more?Copy !req
334. Hey, stop!Copy !req
335. You're the guy from the post office,
innit? So are you!Copy !req
336. What now? He stole my phone.Copy !req
337. You need to stay out
of trouble, fam.Copy !req
338. Oh, I know.Copy !req
339. Seriously, you're like a bullshit
magnet or something.Copy !req
340. I know. I'm just having a bad day.Copy !req
341. Thank you. My guardian angel!Copy !req
342. Yeah, guardian angel.Copy !req
343. Even got wings, innit?Copy !req
344. Keep your head down, yeah?Copy !req
345. Thank you.Copy !req
346. Now then, fellas, how was it?Copy !req
347. Yeah, good, actually.
A bit of Pizza Express.Copy !req
348. Nice! Yeah, arancini, dough ball
starter. Oh, I had the lot...Copy !req
349. American. Pepperoni
and cheese, basically.Copy !req
350. Ah! You had a good time, darling.Copy !req
351. Jesus, what happened to you?Copy !req
352. It's fine. I fell over.
What happened?Copy !req
353. Nothing, he... Katy, please.
Somebody stole my phone.Copy !req
354. John helped me get it back. What?Copy !req
355. Yes. We called Peter at work.
It's my fault. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
356. You called Peter at work?
Why were you at work?Copy !req
357. You should have been out with him.
Petting zoo and a packet of Quavers.Copy !req
358. I was late. I got his phone back.
This happened, but it was worth it.Copy !req
359. You let my son get into a fight
for a phone?Copy !req
360. It was the SIM, actually.
Fuck the SIM, Sami.Copy !req
361. God bless you and all who sail
in you, but fuck the fucking SIM.Copy !req
362. We didn't let him get into a fight.
He just waded in. Went berserk.Copy !req
363. I went mental. And where do you
think he gets that from?Copy !req
364. If I'd have wanted this
for us, Peter,Copy !req
365. I'd have stayed with his father.
I screwed up. I'm sorry.Copy !req
366. Please, I'll get my things.
I go now.Copy !req
367. Yeah, mate. It's probably
for the best. No, it's not.Copy !req
368. You're going nowhere. In fact...Copy !req
369. .. stay as long as you like, Sami.
Hang on. He is not staying...Copy !req
370. Oh, tell me what I can do in my
own house, Peter! Please tell me,Copy !req
371. because I am dying to know!Copy !req
372. Yasmin! Hello?Copy !req